Ben Roy | Hyena (Full Comedy Special)

foreign [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] what's up creepo how are you hey thank you all so much for being here how the [ __ ] are you tonight come on Hi how are you what's going on weirdos hey how are you so [ __ ] good to be here real quick give a big round of applause to The Comedy Works in downtown Denver the greatest greatest comedy club in the country [Applause] for being here and what a night I want to say this right off the bat if at any point you're easily offended oh I don't [ __ ] care like I truly don't give a [ __ ] if anything I say upsets you [ __ ] off like legitimately and I want to say times are crazy I want you to know I'm carrying a knife because of some [ __ ] that happened at the Oscars you know so I'm [Applause] right now and I'm gonna be honest with you all I don't know how to hold this [ __ ] thing which actually makes it feel far more dangerous doesn't it act that I'm holding my knife like that feels like it'd fall out of my hand at any time get up on stage say what you want you want do it yes I'm on God what a time to be alive oh God I uh oh I also want you to know I walked down the aisle and I shook a bunch of hands I shook your hands I want to get this out of the way I'm vaccinated before anybody [ __ ] gets weird about it I did that you don't even have to worry I don't know why the [ __ ] I did it I'm gonna be honest with you like I grew up in Maine uh in the middle of just yeah the person who would never been to Maine I mean it's a ship people are always like man that's gorgeous you like lighthouses and warm butter with your Lobster but there is eight hours of buggy hot and somehow cold all at the same time racist Inland and that's where I'm from and so but I want you to know I grew up in a small town which means I don't know why I got the vaccine I'm chock-full I am a pinata of deep Reddit ideas like I am accuracy theories and [ __ ] like that my upbringing was I grew up in an area that was so Stephen King I remember that the first time that me and my friends saw the movie Stand By Me our only criticism of the movie was Oh yeah it's a fine [ __ ] movie and all but if their dad's a such bad alcoholics how come they're tree house is finished thank you that was our only criticism of the movie because if you grew up in a rural area like we did where all your friends dads were alcoholics you didn't get a tree house like they had you can get that cedar plank Tower Johnson's a reasonable 12 feet off the ground what you got was four or five boards that your dad in a rare moment of sobriety before any of a dozen funerals that summer nailed in the crook of a birch tree 45 [ __ ] feet in the air it was the most unsafe thing in three states so we saw that movie and we were like that's [ __ ] Hollywood [ __ ] [ __ ] that [ __ ] but the rest of the movie spot on yeah good [ __ ] click a freight train will do that to a body that's true hahaha I got I did went and got the vaccine and I get I don't know why the [ __ ] I did it I was one of those people that was out there like just outgoing dang take the vaccine read the science I want to be clear to you all I've read none of the signs yeah I was just trying to sell you on the I don't know what the [ __ ] was in that thing kill me I don't know I don't know I have no [ __ ] clue I just decided a while ago that I would rather die than live on the planet with a bunch of anti-vaxxers and saying that not because I hate anti-vaxxers but can you imagine how insufferable they're gonna be if they get this one right like really think about it they've been wrong on a number of occasions and then they reel in the biggest [ __ ] fish of all time you'd think they're ever gonna let you live that town there's no [ __ ] way every doctor after that if they knew you took the vaccine and survived they're gonna be like oh what's the matter with you I don't know I think I got shingles right on hey you know what make them put a pine cone in his ass what put a pine cone in your ass that doesn't even sound like Madison oh it doesn't doesn't vaccine boy because I think you were wrong a couple times before now I want you to go with the pedals going up okay you got that's the only way it works I can't be an anti-vaxxer I drive a Hyundai Elantra that Punisher sticker is going to take up the entire back window on that car the rear window on that foot that [ __ ] it's crazy I want you to know people are like why are people so vaccine hesitant now me I'm the reason I'm telling you people are hesitant for vaccines because of my generation that's it I'm a child of the 90s like I play in a pump I still torn a punk band I still love playing punk rock I've been playing in bands since I was 15 years old do you know how many songs I wrote that were like [ __ ] rage again 90s we're listening to [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah you know how much of us love that song I've seen memes going around like remember when we said [ __ ] you I won't do what you tell me and now we're getting in line we did all say that I want to be clear I said that I did say all that but I want to be clear about something we didn't mean don't take medicine it's not what we we're talking about you know maybe if you're um like Zach delaroka a person of color and you're in a city in like Los Angeles and there's a notoriously racist police organization policing your city and you get pulled over and they want to go search your stuff hold your middle finger up if they don't have probable cause that's your right or maybe you're like I am and you go to a redneck school and you're born genetically a man but you identify as a different gender and you just want to live the way you want to live without a bunch of morons ruining your [ __ ] day stand up I'll stand with you I will yeah hey and people medicine not horse medicine unless you're at a rave then take horse medicine foreign that's the way it works and if you have too much of the horse medicine go back to the people medicine hey it's always worked horse medicine is recreational no one actually tries to solve [ __ ] with him I have so many friends though who are like you need to [ __ ] tell off your family members if they if they are anti-baxters you need to I'm not going to be part of disowning members of my family not going to do it people want you to just cut off people who don't agree I'm not going to be a part of it these people raised me they're good people they like do I agree with them I don't but I have friends on the left who are like can you [ __ ] believe that these people are taking horse medicine and I'm like yeah yeah yeah totally that in your body I used to Huff gas it's like a fair amount of gasoline I mean from 98 to 01 I was a gas some all yay I could get one nostril in the can of a of a five gallon tank and just be like oh you know I'm getting notes of scotch grass and Mesquite I'm gonna say this is an 89 that came in off the coast of Galveston tell you what [ __ ] me if I'm wrong that's some good [ __ ] I I destroyed my body I don't have a right to criticize him so I'm gonna [ __ ] put whatever you want in here I also don't have a right to criticize what people put in their body when I am eating an aggressive amount of marijuana edibles yeah I know and no you know it's because the marijuana edibles industry and we're in Colorado right now it is the definition of shady like nearest I can tell the entire marijuana edibles industry is run almost entirely by three of the lowest performing marketing students on the planet and an out of work surfboard that's who's running the entire show I remember when the Edibles industry started even like 10 years ago that [ __ ] was the Wild West I'd be eating [ __ ] out of dispensaries that was stapled shut I went in and bought food been stapled closed to apparently keep the freshness out I don't know why Mike think about it could you imagine going into a grocery store if I walked into one and I bought food items that are packaged in the same manner marijuana edibles are I'd definitely be talking to a manager there's zero question I'd walk in and be like running this place I just bought all these gummy worms and they came in an expired Valium container [Laughter] it's spelled with a z on the back it says it's made in Lolita California where the [ __ ] is Lolita California Battle Creek Michigan that's where food lives everybody knows that it's crazy I love for a while remember you used to buy a marijuana edible and it would just come in a package that said like weed bar or something on it insane and it was as if the FDA stopped in and was like oh stop stop you all have to stop this [ __ ] and they were like what what you have to put a number on the package the marijuana edible industry was like what kind of number five twelve percent threes Dash hyphen it I don't [ __ ] know that's my it could be honestly my favorite part about marijuana edibles favorite part is that they even put a [ __ ] dosage on it bar and on the candy bar it'll say there's a hundred milligrams of THC in this candy bar and they're right there is [Applause] but where in the candy bar well that's that's anybody's guess I don't know that's up to luck and gravity I suppose better hope you don't get the weed bar that was made on the dented pan that afternoon you're gonna get 100 milligrams of THC right in the [ __ ] center of it which has happened to me before like the most insane thing well I went in to a to a dispensary and I bought some edibles and the woman behind the counter was like these are mild and I didn't believe her for some reason so I took these shits home and I cut them in half and the first one that I ate I ate half of it and it was [ __ ] great I hate my hips a little looser that's all I want I want a little I want something to get my body roll flexing you know what I mean how can I lock you know and I felt great mild High two weeks later I go into the back of my refrigerator and I find the other half of that edible and I decide to eat it thinking I'm going to be treated to the exact same experience ever but you see y'all that's my fault see I think logically and that's my cross to bear you know what I mean because one half is going to be like the other I took the other half and it wasn't a hip gyrating time I took a ride on my face for four [ __ ] hours that I didn't sign up for and honestly try calling anyone if you've overdosed on a marijuana edible try calling for help the audio recordings of it end up on the [ __ ] internet when you do it you did it's May 23rd of this year I passed 12 years of sobriety which is [ __ ] yeah thank you 12 years of not drinking and doing pills I used to take Klonopins and alcohol I'd love to take three Klonopins put them on my tongue and wash them down with whiskey which is the chemical equivalent of unreading books it makes you so [ __ ] stupid foreign ose on pills it is all hands on deck you can't get help to your house quick enough you call somebody because you OD'd on Xannies and this is what you get hey what's going on man it's like three in the morning what's happening hey uh dude I took too many um Xanax and I've been graying out and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the morning holy [ __ ] okay hold on honey call the ambulance okay Ben over he's overdosing again hey what's going on what's going on stay on the line stay alert talk to me what's happening with you what's going on are you what's been happening in here you know what we should we I'm sorry I haven't been around I've been so busy but I just like like stay on the line with me relax what's going on that's what you get but if you call somebody because you're getting a divorce and you're renting a 300 square foot room from a stranger and you've taken too many marijuana edibles by yourself this is how that call goes hey what's going on dude it's [ __ ] three in the morning hey can you hear me yeah what's going on hey you know foreign like I'm getting divorced and like trying to work on some of my past uh childhood [ __ ] and and uh now I'm renting that room and oh well yeah well I took uh too many error like marijuana edibles and I am I am [ __ ] losing my mind dude what are you doing taking drugs alone you [ __ ] idiot who are you Timothy Leary seriously don't ever call me again and they hang up on me they'll always hang up on you guarantee you he hangs up and his wife is like what's going on yeah Ben took too many marijuana edibles he'll be fine are you sure he's not gonna [ __ ] die because that's that's our biggest that's what we care about in our culture are you good is it gonna die no he's fine and you're all right you are correct you will not die if you overdose on marijuana edibles worse that'll happen is you'll be spiritually waterboarded for half a day what is what the [ __ ] happened to me I had all of my failed dreams poured into my mouth for an evening the worst part is I took them back to The Dispensary I brought him back I've walked into that dispensary and I slammed them down on the counter and I was like those are uneven and the woman that sang for Four Non Blondes who is now apparently working there she looked at me and was like what and I was like they're uneven she was like what do you what do you mean they're uneven and I was like I took half of one of those the other day normal two weeks later I take the other half I went God the [ __ ] knows where then this is legitimately what she said she goes oh well did you eat the second half with a lot of fat it was like I'm sorry I'm sorry I must have misunderstooded the question I I asked did you take the medicine with fat because if you take the medicine with fat you can get a lot higher off it and I was like did you just have the audacity to say that and then call that medicine because this would be [ __ ] ashamed of yourselves could you imagine going into your doctor and walking in and being like yeah doc I pulled my Lumbar and I think it's on my sciatic because it's just my leg is on fire and your doctor being like I'm gonna you know I'm gonna refer you to a to a chiropractor in the meantime I'll give you some Percocet take one at night should help you with the pain and get you to sleep right on but if you want to unlock a secret level eat it with ham mer read it with a bunch of Honey Baked Ham and you'll get [ __ ] up and uh yeah I was [ __ ] up man and I'll tell you what I could not get out of my head like I was in this room freaking out and that's a new roommate and I'm like I don't want to freak her the [ __ ] out and I'm like how am I gonna calm down I need to calm down and then I hear this voice in my head go you need to watch the Great British baking show [Applause] yes yes yes I do one handshake from Paul Hollywood and those piercing blue eyes they I love that they say things like stodgy cake is dodgy do you watch it do you watch it you don't watch it you show oh it's the best [ __ ] television show on they say things like that look at you oh all your legs would be a lot harder but they're a bit stodgy they say I don't even think that that's how that word is used but it's great stop oh God I love it thanks for being up here bud thank you God I love it you should watch the show so I immediately get into my head and I'm like [ __ ] yeah I gotta watch The Great British baking show so I take out the remote and I go over to the bed and I put my my knee up on the bed and I turn the TV on and I click into the search engine and I start typing Great British baking show into the search engine and then I get lost in a thought can I start having this Vision that I was born with a forehead where my bones had fused like a like a little staircase like it had a not a big one but like a three-stepper you know just and that it looked from the profile it looks like a little staircase it's some weird genetic thing that I have and then I'd imagined if that had happened that I could have got like a little parakeet and I would let this parakeet walk up the steps of my forehead and I'd have a hat with a beanie on that had a flag on it and every morning people would come down to the mall and they'd watch as the parakeet and ascended my forehead and then with this tiny little Beak he would raise the flag and maybe I could train him to put his wing up I can't oh God I laughed about that for anywhere from five to 45 minutes I lost I lost track of that I I time warped it but I'll tell you but I came out of that visualization and I was frozen like I came out of it and I was like I still had my leg up on the bed my arm extended and the remote's still in my hand and I was like what the [ __ ] am I doing and then I look on the screen and in the search engine so all I had typed in the search engine b and a lowercase a another capital B another lowercase a and then a question mark I typed in the search engine Papa out of me it's a 12 year old Persian boy looking for his grandfather and a lot of people have asked me they're like Ben how can you say you're sober and you you eat marijuana I'll tell you why I believe that sobriety comes in the form of quitting whatever substance ruins your life whatever makes it difficult yeah stop to me and marijuana does not do what I want it to do at all very very difficult slogan should be weed hey do you want to be aware of your own heartbeat for 90 minutes that's what's about oh god it feels so good get in here stop it stop it stop it I was on extended basic cable television Jesus thank you I did write out it's crazy I I had that experience and then almost immediately afterwards like the next day while I was coming down I got norovirus which yeah those of you that that have had it you just if you heard everybody in here you heard a very low base grown like a because if you have had norovirus you know it it is the worst illness if you don't know what it is it's that virulent stomach illness that lasts only like 20 hours but it docks cruise ships right I didn't think you could get this [ __ ] unless you came into contact with a limbo stick that hadn't been properly sanitized you can get this [ __ ] on dry land and oh my God was it bad I mean that's the most sick I've ever been I've not been I learned [ __ ] from norovirus seriously for instance man has pondered for Generations whether it is possible for one's own soul to exit out one's own [ __ ] and I'm here to tell you all I know the answer now and the answer is no it can't but it can poke its head out and my soul got a gandal around because it almost came out of me technologically very primitive illness that one a king killer the kind of illness that halted the exploration of continents it was bad like I like to imagine if norovirus is a person he's just a real straight shooter yeah you know what I mean if norovirus was a guy he's like covet that's a designer illness I mean really think about it what does covet do you know what I mean a long covet you have all these crazy symptoms you know you got lots of sense of smell or taste you've got brain fog neuropathy the shakes ride fever every illness is different for every person it tailors it to you that is a nice illness that is covet is the JD Power and Associates illness of the Year and that is a nice Illness but not me norovirus not me I'm a meat and potatoes type of guy just give me a lot of liquid out the face and butt that's what I like because I [ __ ] died 18 hours oh my God have you ever been so sick like that that it's like you're just sitting there and at some point you're just like there's nothing left at one point I had been [ __ ] and barfing for so long so aggressively that at one point I heard my own voice I don't remember saying it heard it reverberate off our bathroom tile just heard my voice shrill and go though now you're just showing off [Applause] it's like my body was out doing donuts on the 50-yard line and it's El Camino check it out bro oh there's more down here whenever human beings get too high on themselves norovirus is there to remind you of what you are we're always we're too we believe ourselves to be too much we're always like oh human beings the most evolved species on the planet whenever I hear somebody say that I want to be like oh really and then hold up a Polaroid just the profile of them naked their ass sealed to a porcelain hole in a house legs up on a Squatty Potty they look like a gargoyle outside a bed bath hair scraggly in their hands a giant steel pot usually reserved for slow simmering family stews but not today it's for the front half of you again like a yoga studio ceiling pulled up a photo of that person oh we're the most evolved species are we and one of God's Miraculous Creations we are primitive just watch somebody have diarrhea to tell you how primitive we are I am speaking and [ __ ] your pants did you know like right before a human being dies it shits itself I mean it lets go everything it shits and pits it's itself because we have a lot of Pride muscles you know what I mean like just muscles that are vanity muscles that are concerned with how you appear to other people and when you die your body's like [ __ ] it I don't have to do this anymore like it's done here he's dead right I didn't realize that culture does that as well cultures [ __ ] their pants when they're about to die and I have witnessed one of these proverbial pants shittings of Western culture in the form of a new television show on Netflix that is just titled is it cake that's the name of a [ __ ] television show right now is it cake that's how [ __ ] dumb we've become as a culture we used to have puzzle shows hundred thousand dollar pyramid Jeopardy Wheel of Fortune and then we started to backslide a bit you know and I thought we had hit the bottom when we got to are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader trench of intellectualism was right there and now we're just like is that cake honest man I'm gonna say that's cake wrong get the [ __ ] out of here ma'am cake or not I think it's cake too he just said that fall off a cliff you dude from Massachusetts I'm gonna be honest I don't think that's [ __ ] cake at all you're right [ __ ] yes thank God here's 25 000 fix your face like so [ __ ] stupid most of the world is starving around us and we're sculpting things out of food how many different show ideas do you think Netflix went to until they arrived at that where they're like cookies or concrete let's do it contestant is guessing whether or not that's a snickerdoodle or actually a chunk of I-70 that rolls into the medium let's see if it is or perhaps my favorite idea would be just a game show called it's asbestos this sounds so fun to me it's so good like when when the contestant gets the answer wrong all the audience goes that's not cake [Music] [Applause] all right thanks for being here tonight now thanks for joining us on it's as best as Kyle here from Branson Hills Kyle is playing the game show if you're not familiar how it works her contestants have to guess whether or not that is a cake made of the finest ingredients on the planet or two and a half pounds of pure unabated asbestos now let's check in with them guile right now is willing to bet that that is a tres leches cake and not and not 26 ounces of questionable insulation from an inner City High School Kyle I want you to take a bite of that for me now here he goes hey buddy that's not cake oh misophilia oh my God are we having a blast call the strong arm too much fun tonight asbestos come on you'd watch that [ __ ] game show watching this show alone has anybody you like that show [ __ ] yeah yeah if you don't know what a loan is this Show's [ __ ] awesome it's it's awesome I've left alone it's the best show it's so [ __ ] good if you don't know alone is a show where they take like 10 survivalists and they drop them in the middle of a hopeless area it could be the Canadian Arctic it could be a swamp in Arkansas could be Newark and they leave them there and and then they have to like survive as long as they can building their own huts and and hunting their own food and everything it's amazing it's it is it's basically the Great British baking show but for people with outstanding warrants like it asks for criminals like the hideaways and whatnot it's us my favorite part about this show is that they go like the in the intro they go alone are contestants must live as primitive man did and they're right oh boy they nailed it yeah it's exactly like primitive man A Primitive man were given a small porn Productions allotment of camera equipment to drag through the woods with them ten survival items of their choosing to start with and a satellite phone with a panic button that summons a boat filled with antibiotics and rescue workers that whisks them away to a Denny's at the first sign of Dremel but aside from that it is the Paleolithic period out just those my new little details of these shows like I've got so I've watched every season of naked and afraid I've watched all of like I love shows like project Alaska and stuff like that but I've realized it's because I'm a nature cuck like because there is nothing I love than to sit in the corner of a room and watch as Mother Nature [ __ ] my fellow man right I love to watch it I just sit there and I'm like yeah [ __ ] them real good mother nature yeah he's got a cut on his finger he got this morning chopping wood yeah I bet that's gonna get infected isn't it oh and I bet he's got a fever right now doesn't he now drop a blizzard on his ass Mommy foreign I love this [ __ ] it makes me so [ __ ] it makes me so happy just so good I love all of this stuff I love I just think it is so funny that people believe that it is a child like this childlike level of delusion to believe that we can go back to primitive living there are seven billion of us on the planet 330 million Americans we cannot agree on everything or anything at all and you think we can go back to the most primitive and difficult way of living your crate I I love when people say they're paleo because it's code whenever a buddy is like yo I went paleo I'm like oh I know what you mean you mean you don't want to eat tomatoes or listen to women that's what you mean foreign that's all you need like paleo people are like all they mean is they're just like yeah bro a Paleo now paleo I do it that's the craziest the Paleolithic period was like two million years long it extended over such a long and fast time span and area there were so many different and the best part is Paleo people take it as I get to eat meat three meals a day that's basically what it means do you know now that they think that hunting for big game was a mating ritual because it was so fruitless that was such a difficult thing to do big game was very difficult to come about most people just foraged for everything that's why just once I want to hear somebody go we went paleo whole family and they actually went Paleolithic like they're like yeah whole family went paleo great so you're having bison with every meal now no no no no most of my protein is coming from uh spiders that I dig out of the corner of the shed and I'm getting a fair amount of my greens that grow up as dandelions around the walkway retract infection for the last three straight months and seven of our first ten kids died in childbirth it's not easy I'll tell you that it's not easy it's a sacrifice that's why I'm three feet seven inches tall [ __ ] dumbasses we're This Tall cause of corn did this and not the band that would be sweet God if the band corn was responsible for our development my buddy is always trying to get me to take primitive survival classes he's like dude you want to come and take some outdoor survival classes no what you don't want to no all right bro I thought you said you wanted simpler living yeah I meant I want to read more and I don't want to wash my face at night okay but I don't want to fight raccoons for my food are you [ __ ] crazy look at me I'm an indoor girl this is what it looks like I'm American without my Pontiac G6 and my condominium I am just an unpeeled banana just loudly stomping through the woods at a profoundly trackable rate like be amazed at how quickly an animal could eat me there first I'm already in the posture of a corn dog look at me Americans on survival shows where the Faberge eggs of this [ __ ] planet we are the most delicate needy group of people on this planet that's why I love this show because I love seeing the hubris of Americans when they get on the show they're always like I'm gonna make this blitz or no wolves see we've all seen all seen seeing the Revenant or the gray or whatever we've seen movies we think you're gonna get eaten by mountain lions it's not in the wild it's the little [ __ ] that kills you and that's what I realized from the show like I watched an episode of alone one night where a field mouse took a man for everything it was [ __ ] worth foreign and it was the greatest [ __ ] thing I've ever seen in my life it was so good this big rough guy from Montana's in his shed and he wakes up in the morning and he opens up his food store and he's like oh [ __ ] oh my God all my blueberries I harvested are gone what the [ __ ] and he looks out the door and there's this fat little field mouse sitting there covered in blueberries and [ __ ] just scowling at him and he's like what the [ __ ] and he runs and it takes off and so the next day this guy gets up and he goes back to his food and he's like [ __ ] [ __ ] oh my God what the and he looks out in there it's that Mouse again cheeks stuff full of mushrooms just scowling at him and so he's like I gotta do something about this this thing is gonna he's I'm gonna starve so the guy makes a trap and he hangs a little bit of his meat in the Trap and he goes to bed and in the morning he checks the Trap and the trap is still set and the meat is still hanging there but in the hardest rodent Flex of all time he noticed that the mouse just chewed all of the fat off of the Moon and did not trip the Trap and this man went full PTA mom it was amazing Boyce got shrill and he was like this isn't the order of things you're a mouse you stay outside and if you come inside I humanely trap you and I put you outside thus allowing Karma to shine down on me that's the way it works and this mouse was sitting out there like I ain't your typical [ __ ] City Mouse am I came out here to do two things that's [ __ ] and chew the fat off stuff and my wife didn't want to [ __ ] this morning so it looks like you're up to bat you pink disappointment and that guy just leaned on a log and was like oh my God he started crying started crying it was so good the mouse actually looked like it felt bad for her like the mouse was like oh come on man I didn't do you that bad last guy they dropped off out here I ate his entire King James Bible in front of him I didn't even like the taste I just love to listen to him scream at the Moon every night every [ __ ] time because there's one word if you watch alone there's one word that tells you they're gonna tap out you'll hear it they'll be down they'll be sitting there on a rock 40 pounds lighter just like shaking and they're like I can't do it anymore and then you'll hear I just want a donut and that's it that's the out the minute the human brain goes to that's it give up cause the donut the thought of a donut is universal acid it'll chew through your will and drive you just want a donut so bad that's why we can't go back because there's no going back from Donuts there's only forward from donuts and even if you don't like a donut which I don't want to know you if you don't foreign stands for hot ready-made trash at our beckoned call none of us can go back to primitive life because we've all had pizza you've all had broccoli at any time of year that snaps fresh from the stock you've all had a kombucha can't go back from that so the best thing you can do is be kind to each other grab some neck feathers on this Albatross and ride this [ __ ] bird down until it dies from all the plastic it accidentally ingested yeah yeah because if you haven't got hip to it yet we're all gonna [ __ ] die out here let's have fun while we're headed that show doesn't scare me because it's not a reality I'll ever face people are like doesn't alone terrify terrifies me no it doesn't scare me if you ever want to make a show that terrifies me don't make a show called alone make a show called Lonely Now That's terrifying make a show called Lonely listen to how terrifying that word is your lonely holy [ __ ] you're all so [ __ ] lonely right now I could you imagine if I invited you over to watch alone and I explained the premise and it's about survivalists they go out try to live if you guys want to come over have a beer and watch it you'd be like [ __ ] yeah but if I was like hey you want to come over and watch uh this show called Lonely [ __ ] is that about it's just about 10 to 12 random Americans trying to go throughout their work day having an actual human connection with someone else [ __ ] would I ever want to watch that for God no I'll just look in a mirror for 45 minutes straight you're also like that's the craziest [ __ ] I love the idea of lonely verse alone I've always imagined that that alone verse lonely is the universe battling the human body you know what I mean like biology like the universe in physics was like we've created alone the most terrifying idea there is basically you take one organism or object isolate it from any other like organism or object by a large large swath of area and you leave it isolated and that object starts to question what it is and starts to self-destruct and it starts to lose sight of where it belongs in the greater thing it's very terrifying very powerful alone is very powerful and then the human body sauntered in drunk and was like cool story hold my beer I can make a human being feel like that in a crowded [ __ ] room I can make you all feel like that wherever look at how lonely this guy is look at that's what life is look at how lonely that guy is and his face is inches from the comic stick and he still feels so alone how is that possible oh God [Applause] look at me look at me dress different and this wouldn't happen okay I think they're synonymous they're not I love the way they change a sentence like if I like if I were to say I am alone up here on stage that's factual I am the only comic on this stage right now but if I say I'm lonely up here all of a sudden that's a lot more [ __ ] sad isn't it a little bit of a cry for help you all laugh a little harder because I may walk straight into traffic after this show [Laughter] I Think We're Alone Now there doesn't seem to be anyone around I Think We're Alone Now the beating of our hearts is the only come on constant classic 80s Tiffany remake of that classic song about two lovers who finally found some privacy to explore each other's bodies that's a hit song I think we're both lonely now it doesn't seem to be anyone well that's the story of a couple who goes home draws the blinds opens the oven and blows out the pilot light together that's the soundtrack to a murder-suicide practice but Holly Culkin as a precocious nine-year-old child left alone by his well-meaning parents to fight off would-be thieves that's a [ __ ] Christmas movie but home lonely well that's just Macaulay Culkin now [Applause] [Music] [Applause] poor little guy I'm incredibly lonely I think that's part of the human experience is to feel loneliness and it's weird and you and I discovered though that you can like you can go your whole life thinking you're alone though you can wait your whole life to like be like just to have a moment though where you feel like you're connected to something else like you can go your entire life waiting for that moment where like the clouds the proverbial clouds part and the warm healing rays of Truth Cascade upon your off to unused eyes and you realize I'm not alone out here on this floating Rock I am connected to other people you can die never having experienced so I feel grateful when I can say that I Benjamin Roy at the age of 42 years old Anno Domini I have one of those experiences when I was in the mountains and I witnessed a semi-truck slam into one of those runaway truck ramps firsthand and it was the greatest [ __ ] moment of my entire life some of you didn't applaud at that I'm sorry [Applause] for those out in TV Land if you don't know what we're talking about dotted along thousands of miles of pristine Colorado highways are these sand trenches dug up into hillsides for truckers whose breaks have inevitably overheated from traversing dozens of spiraling traffic-filled roadways to just haphazardly slam their truck into it is the most beautiful Confluence of modern automotive technology and we're all out of [ __ ] ideas here [Applause] I love it that was their best idea like what other ideas like the trucking companies were like what were we supposed to do not Doug is saying trance what were we supposed to do go to these truck manufacturers and say manufacturer your trucks and your in your automotives with a set of brakes that are capable of handling the load they're saddled with so as to keep our blue collar and union workers safe out there on the road oh [ __ ] off no what would that tell them that we care about their lives no here's what we're gonna do what we did was this wasn't our first idea okay I want you to understand that okay now first of all we had thought about putting a giant slingshot at the bottom of the hill there for when the truck is out of control to slam in that giant rubber band and to extend all the way up to the end and then it would fire them straight back up the hill and we'd do some mathematics of course and it would uh it would time out to land them straight in the cargo bay of a Brakes Plus but the um but the migratory elk their antlers kept getting caught uh inside the band and the libtards had a field day with us on that one so so then we went to the idea of putting hundreds and thousands of bottle rockets tape to the front end of this so when the brakes went out the driver would get out with an acetylene torch and it would create enough drag to slow him down but the uh Quicks uh kept getting wet in the inclement Colorado weather so we had to trash that one and then we were fresh out of ideas at that point so we opened it up to kindergarten children from around the United States and it was a little Tommy Jenkins from hog bone Memphis area of Tennessee and he drew this drawing of a of a flaming rectangle just uh careening into a Sandbox here and we thought that was a pretty good idea so we did it pretty much to spec of course we could not find a 40-foot calico cat so uh that did not happen he threw that in there but that that didn't make it into the specs foreign it was the greatest thing I'd ever seen I'm not joking I watched it happen we were driving things by us and let me just say runaway truck ramp is adorable for what I witnessed that's not a good name that makes it sound like the truck has a painted on beard and a fake cigar and a stick with a bindle and it's heading out on its own right doesn't want to live with its stepfather Todd anymore or whatever that's what it feels like no what I witnessed so much more violent Grant because you can't call it what it really is which is a careening GED coffin that's what it is a man with a in a in a high school and as he flies down a hill he was just like and you can't hear him because he's behind glass and he's like everybody's going and he slammed into it and I watched it happen and see I thought that my reaction was appropriate because I'd never seen this before but my wife at the time called it deeply unsettling I was like [ __ ] car over I want to look at it she pulled the car over and I was like holy [ __ ] and she was like was that necessary and I was like no you're hard I get fear boners I was just like oh my God oh my God it was so cool he just like I like she looked over and she's like are you crying and I was like what she's like you didn't even cry at your grandmother's funeral and I was like well my grandmother didn't die by careening in the 300 feet of biscuit sand because if she had maybe I could have squeezed a couple salty ones out for her but how did Nana die she [ __ ] gave up that's how she [ __ ] died did that man give up no he saw it all the way through and he's alone well he's not technically alone he had a sleeper cab which means there's probably a sex worker in the back but you all know that once the semi truck stops and you have no more electricity you can't support the life of a sex worker anymore so the driver has to haul up onto the top of the roof and lean over the top and open the door and be like you go on you did and he asked he releases that sex worker into the Colorado Highlands [Music] you know that um don't you shake your [ __ ] head once you do that you know y'all ancient Ute Legend says that sex workers released from the cabs of giant semi trucks into the Colorado wilderness that's where wolves come from the weirdest crowd it was the coolest [ __ ] I've ever seen and I just I can't I can't even I I had so much fun you should be able to Camp you know what I mean you should be able to camp at the base of these runaway truck ramps I just [ __ ] wait you and your family roasting marshmallows ah here comes a big Walmart [ __ ] he's smoking God damn it it's the new whale watching it's white trash whale watching it's so good [Applause] so much and the best the best part is the best part is when he was done the driver didn't do anything he just got out of his truck and he just stood there and smoked a cigarette and I was like what a wasted opportunity do you know what I mean like it just feels like a a wasted opportunity it feels you know what it feels like I've always thought that at the top of one of those runaway truck ramps there should just be a nice bench for subtle reflection driver just climbs out of his truck and gets to the top of the hill it just has a [ __ ] seat and then he looks down beside him and there's a binder with plastic on it to survive the weather and on the outside of that plastic binder it says so you wanted to be a truck driver did you and then when he opens up the binder there's just dozens of brochures to reasonably price trade schools and community colleges Johnson and Wales I always did love to watch my Nana's hands while she cooked and um I'm a dad now and yeah I mean I've been a dad for a long time my son is really here my son is 17 years old and he's here with at the show like he's got a wristband on and they were like don't let him drink um my son is here yeah I have a 17 year old kid it's crazy I'm I I it's so nuts having a teenager I wanted a teenager the entire time I was I had him Young and the whole time he was growing up I was like I want a [ __ ] teenager teenager because the whole time he's been growing up everybody's like well do you have a teenager Ben what do you get some teenage years when he gets to the teenage years kids these days they're [ __ ] different that's what everybody's they're [ __ ] different I have a teenager now and I'm here to tell you all they're not any [ __ ] different they're the exact same [ __ ] things they've always been it's crazy in fact my son when he was turning 14 I remember this vividly I went to him and I was like hey dude what do you want to do for your 14th birthday and he was like I don't know and I was like make it cheap let's not go I thought he wanted to go to like a gaming cafe or the race drones or do something futuristic and he was like no you know what Dad honestly I just think me and my friends want to go roller skating [Applause] and he's like yeah I just think we want to go roller skating and I was like that's a that's the most American teenage thing ever what one of us says teenage kids didn't go roller skating when we were in middle school or whatever look at you even you felon looking guy you're like yeah [ __ ] yeah roller skated it's crazy it's we all did it and do you not you want to know what my son and his dork friends did at that roller skating Frank do you want to know then [ __ ] roller skate it do you know what I've never done in the hundreds of times I went to a roller skating rink between the ages of 11 and 13 years old I'd never put on a pair of roller skates once I used to just stand in front of the door of happy wheels Skate Center and rip Marlboro mediums one right after the other and plan my next fire that's what I did I just stand up front in a Def Leppard shirt and be like we're gonna burn down Carl's Tough Shed after this right but my son and his friends they actually skated they played the claw game they had pizza it was adorable and you're all like Ben how do you know that he actually did that because he's a teenager you can't trust him oh I'll tell you how I know to go roller skating with him at his birthday party he was like Dad do you want to come along to my birthday party and I was like foreign and I was like I've been to jail and I was like my dad would I would have never invited my my parents anywhere like I would have never and he invited me and it was so cool and I was like [ __ ] I'm going roller skating with my boy oh what am I gonna wear like that's a big thing and I was so [ __ ] pumped and I'm like what are we gonna do and he was like Dad why are you so psyched to go roller skating and I was like kiddo I used to roller skate as a kid I even been into one of those shits in like 26 years I can't wait to go inside that building and see all the cool ways in which they've updated it foreign are laughing because you know hasn't [ __ ] happened at all I walked in the door and I was like holy [ __ ] and he was like what and I'm like it's exactly as we left it he was like really and I'm like yeah I'm pretty sure my joint is still behind the locker it's a [ __ ] time capsule in fact I've become totally convinced that there is only one Contracting Company on the planet that has the license to build every roller skating rink on the planet in perpetuity forever right like if your town wants a roller skating rink you just call this company a and a pot belly guy in a hard hat shows up and he's like hey man what's going on someone said you all wanted to put up a roller skating rink up here or what like yep right on man you want me to build you a squat windowless cement building set pack in a dirt parking lot that looks totally out of place in your town yeah that sounds about right right on cool man you want me to carpet that thing on the inside with all the [ __ ] wall uh yeah I think I do oh man you want me to carpet the [ __ ] walls [ __ ] yeah I want you to carpet the [ __ ] walls I want to get a rug burn on my elbows if I'm just walking somewhere why are the walls always carpeted them no one has ever asked that question what a weird weird design thing and everyone it's uniform and just like the roller skating rinks turn into the creepiest BDSM clubs at after Howard like at two in the morning or they're just [ __ ] cable Executives cheese grating their balls on the [ __ ] wall that and I had forgot that roller skating is a [ __ ] enigma it's one of the weirdest weirdest pastimes on the planet because if you think about it it's one of the few pastimes on the planet where if you're really really really [ __ ] good at it it sort of creeps everybody the [ __ ] and if you aren't laughing at that because you're an adult to roller skate and you're a [ __ ] creep is what you are don't think I don't see you down there now listen I do want to say this it is totally sexist this is a very real sexist divide if you're a woman and you can roller skate it's kind of hot like it is kind of hot I kind of like it's fine it's fine you get out there a little disco music you know it's it's hot but if you're just an adult dad say save it say this say you're having a birthday party for a little kid out it's a softball game right and you're the dad that shows up and every time you're up to the plate you're like all right kids back up Mr Roy's at the plate now and you're just pranking home runs over the fence do you think anybody is bummed about that no no one is upset all the other kids are like holy [ __ ] [ __ ] he just sit down in the [ __ ] road I don't know why this kid has a thick Boston ass it's an odd character choice or say you're having a bowling party and you're the dad that shows up and without even trying you just lay out a 270 without even blinking you think anybody's bummed about that no no all the other dads are watching you bowl this game from their area and they're like honey that's his eighth strike in a row hey you know what bud [ __ ] my wife I want you to [ __ ] my wife I want you to raise my son because you're more of a man than I'll ever [ __ ] be Ebola 258 on an amateur Lane get the [ __ ] out of here but if you have a roller skating party and everybody arrives and you're the dad that's already there before anybody gets there and when they come in they get to the rink and you just come whiffing around the corner backwards and you cross in front of that open area and you're like everybody lace up couple skates starts in three songs and you're doing that weird sideways crotch Buffet all of a sudden everybody in the building is like hey did you know that Ted's a sex offender I had no [ __ ] clue I didn't I didn't see that coming he works for the state they're not doing background checks anymore huh oh [ __ ] yeah look at that he's skating backwards again okay you know what kiddos uh we're gonna stay away from old feels on wheels for the rest of the year well I don't know it just looks like your uncle Ted is working through a few things out there you all know that guy we used to go to a roller skating rink it'd be 130 tweens out there on the [ __ ] roller skating rink and then just one 40 year old dude [ __ ] ripping it up can't feel it it's electric and then it crosses in front and does this [ __ ] where he gets low and then foreign [Applause] you think it's funny you're sitting here laughing you're like yeah that's me I escaped well but little do you know playing with [ __ ] fire because if you don't know it let me tell you all if you're an adult male over the age of 35 years old and you turn a corner at a roller skating rink by Crossing one skate over the other as you go around that corner you are automatically a level two sex offender in the state of Colorado yeah you now have to register with your neighbors when you move into an area you want to be a dad who roller skates get your ass out grab the railing pull yourself along the wall no one is scared of this guy hi guys you all have been an amazing audience tonight thank you so much thank you flipping in here [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: 800 Pound Gorilla Media

Views: 109,853

Keywords: 800PGR, 800 pound gorilla records, Comedy, Stand Up, Record Label, comedians, stand up comedy, comedy video, stand up comedy english, stand up comedy latest, comedy show, jokes, humor, comedy shorts, comedy youtube, 800 pound gorilla, 800lb gorilla, 800 lb gorilla, funny video, comedy youtube channels, stand up jokes, ben roy, ben roy comedy, hyena, hyena full special, hyena full comedy special, comedy special, full comedy special, america, american, american comedy

Id: U9utAoUdykM

Length: 75min 28sec (4528 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 11 2023