Jim Gaffigan Live Stream

[Applause] Finland in Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegal here what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scale I can't believe cross-country skiing teams even a part in townhouse gang where you're trying to get over to the lift this is fine and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian people learn things from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks information mind you said dude you're white but you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European you guys people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's if I was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's what we call you anyway it does seem like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with the last name gold man Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go I always should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the house how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your sunny it looks just like a raper it's so fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey it worked for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality Guido fizzer his name sounds like an ethnic slur get out of here your Guido Fister Go Fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed anything your delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you hi Dad hi Dad why are my appendix removed all right still counts I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was kidding he's like gratefully didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory girl when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife will you have jaundice come here oh my gosh I have drawn this too we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most Cutting Edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre Care Unit which is better than we couldn't care a less unit those guys are home it was wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] Cravings those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery because it's every day once you do at work honey brain surgery it's Finland Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegal here present do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing I can't believe cross-country skiing trying to get over to the lift what if we just did that foreign [Applause] you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian it's from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks information mind you said dude you're white thank you in fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles are like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors you're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a tonight guys I'm Eastern European people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am my point is only good family news has passed along like if your great grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that great grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings this Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's if I was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name who was that that's why we call you anyway looking like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with a last name Goldman Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go I always should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the house how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your son it looks just like a raper the fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey it worked for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality Guido fizzer his name sounds like an ethnic slur out of here your Guido Fister Go Fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed anything like when I order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you hi Dad hi Dad why are my appendix removed appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them exactly he thought I was getting his eye so grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh ah appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory bro when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife will you have jaundice see come here oh my gosh I have jaundice too we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station Jim you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre Care Unit which is better than we couldn't care less unit those guys are home wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] Cravings those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors they clone thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons and the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery because it's every day what you do at work honey brain surgery it's Finland Finland I was invited to take us on I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegal here what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scale I don't believe cross-country skiing awkward part in townhouse gang where you're trying to get over to the lift this is fun and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some get some oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian people learn things from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks White but you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles they're like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors you're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings this Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals they put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's what we call you anyway I think like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the loan successful so I'm gonna go with the last name Goldman Goldman what are you going with wiener I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes is my last name or Raper I wouldn't leave the house how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your son he looks just like a raper so fun getting all the rapers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister sister and and obviously there were sensitive to it sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey it worked for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into hospitality Guido Fister his name sounds like an ethnic slur get out of here your Guido sister go fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show foreign I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed yeah the truth is I don't like to do anything like when I order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you panics removed I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was kidding he's like grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian thank you yes that's about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows you never heard science doesn't know but Earl has a theory oh when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife well you have jaundice come here oh my gosh I have drawn this too when my wife would nap I go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station Jim you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospital is like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre care you which is better than we couldn't care a less unit those guys are home it's wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] foreign but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon of us can even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery cause it's always brain surgery every day what you doing work honey brain surgery Finland in Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegally here antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scare I can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport awkward part in downtown skiing where you're trying to get over to the lift foreign [Applause] you know what don't turn around let's go across the country you enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks they send you information mind you said dude you're white in fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my God oh my God I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a sorry I guess I'm Eastern European people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's if I was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's why we call you anyway being like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with the last name Goldman Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the house how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your son he looks just like a raper it's so fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive to it sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey work for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality Guido fizzer his name sounds like an ethnic slur to hear your Guido sister go fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed anything delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you hi Dad hi Dad why are my appendix removed still counts I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them hopefully he thought I was getting his eye so grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh ah appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory girl when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife will you have jaundice come here oh my gosh I have jaundice too when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption thank you how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre care you which is better than we couldn't care less unit those guys are home it was wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] Cravings no Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon not even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons shouldn't the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery because it's all day what you do at work honey brain surgery it's Finland Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegally here present do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing I can't believe cross-country skiing team trying to get over to the left what if we just did that foreign [Applause] you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs that's oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks you said dude you're white fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a foreign people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are my point is only good family news has passed along like if your great grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's if I was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's why we call you anyway looking like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with a last name gold man Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the house how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your son he looks just like a raper so fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey it worked for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality Guido fizzer his name sounds like an ethnic slur to hear your Guido Fister Go Fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed anything order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you hi Dad hi Dad why are my appendix removed I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was getting his hair so grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh ah appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother tell her and smear her blood on my face I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory girl when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER just here to see my wife will you up jaundice come here oh my gosh I have jaundice too you all have John there when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station you're a monster different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospital is like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it I get a phone call I'm gonna take it right we're like the mediocre care you which is better than we couldn't care less unit those guys are home it was wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] Cravings those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery cause it's already day once you do at work honey brain surgery it's Finland in Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegally here okay what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scale I can't believe cross-country skiing seems even hanging out of That Awkward part and Down House Gang where you're trying to get over to the left [Applause] and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs foreign I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks information mine just said dude you're white you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are yeah is only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals thank you hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's why we call you anyway looking like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with the last name gold man Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the house we can go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your sunny it looks just like a raper so fun getting all the rapers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister that was the name the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had a pee at the front so it was the puff hister your work for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality his name sounds like an ethnic slur can I hear you queeno sister [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed the truth is I don't like to do anything like when I order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you panics removed I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was kidding he's like grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian that's about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory girl when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife wake up jaundice oh my gosh I have drawn this too all have jaundice when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most Cutting Edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like a Shawshank Redemption selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station Jim you're a monster there's different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it a phone call I'm gonna take a cake which is better than we couldn't care less unit those guys are home wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] I get these Cravings those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons shouldn't the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery because it's all it's everyday once you do at work honey brain surgery Finland in Finland I was invited to take us on it I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegal here okay what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scale I can't believe cross-country skiing to see hey you know that awkward part in townhouse gang where you're trying to get over to the lift [Applause] Ed and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs foreign I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks information mine just said dude you're white you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am my point is only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals foreign hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's why we call you anyway I think like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with the last name gold man Goldman what are you going with wiener I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my life or right bro I wouldn't party if two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper this your sunny it looks just like a raper so fun getting all the rapers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister that was the name the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had a pee at the front so it was the puff hister work for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into hospitality his name sounds like an ethnic slur I hear you queeno sister [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed the truth is I don't like to do anything like when I order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you panics removed I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was kidding he's like grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian yes think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory girl when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting every look sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife way up jaundice oh my gosh I have drawn this too we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like a Shawshank Redemption [Music] there's different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it a phone call I'm Gonna Take It which is better than we couldn't care less unit those guys are horrible wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery cause it's always brain surgery every day once you do at work honey brain surgery Finland in Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegally here what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country scam I can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport awkward part in townhouse gang where you're trying to get over to the lift foreign [Applause] you know what don't turn around let's go across the country Joy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks foreign they send you information mine just said dude you're white in fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles they're like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my gosh I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European as people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk your grandpa's likely to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's if I was in Ireland at that time I would have been oh no some Viking ladies coming to pillage me I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals hopefully she can help me put together that table they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name was that that's what we call you anyway like some last names were chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with a last name gold man Goldman what are you going with wiener I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go you would let someone named Raper sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last number right bro I wouldn't leave how do you even go out to dinner party of two Raper is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper it's your son he looks just like a raper it's so fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive dates sounding weird so they had a pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey I work for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name is Guido Fister why don't I go into hospitality Guido fizzer his name sounds like an ethnic slur get out of here your Guido sister go fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show foreign I don't care I like to eat I like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed the truth is I don't like to do anything like when I order delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you appendix removed I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them luckily he thought I was kidding he's like grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh appendix I I thought you said lungs maybe they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian foreign it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother kill her and smear her blood on my face it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory oh when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone look sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife well you have jaundice come here oh my gosh I have drawn this too we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption [Music] there's different sections in hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it a phone call I'm Gonna Take It which is better than we couldn't care a less unit those guys are horrible wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria [Applause] those Snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us none of us could even get in med school urgent ghost Echo school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery cause it's always brain surgery every day once you do at work honey brain surgery Finland in Finland I was invited to take a sauna I was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all I could think is is fun illegal here the antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skin I can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport hey you know that awkward part in townhouse King where you're trying to get over to the lift this is fun and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried I mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs oh I did one of those genetic tests I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian foreign you do learn things from those genetic tests like I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks information mind you said dude you're white in fact you're very white I hope you feel guilty they didn't even break out my nationality they just highlighted all the British aisles like you're trash from here wherever people need sunscreen but what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests like oh my God I'm related to my ancestors we're only gonna find out bad news you see it in the commercials I thought I was Italian but it ends up my great grandma was a so I guess I'm Eastern European sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am is only good family news has passed along like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln you'd already know that grandfather to go uh I don't remember I think he worked in a bar Chief gutter inspector I do know I have some Irish ancestry but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records because well draw your own conclusion some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing I'm Irish but I have blonde hair supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded pillaged and probably other stuff those Vikings the Scandinavians I don't know if you've been to Sweden it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johansson's petals hopefully she can help me put together that table foreign they say last names can tell you something like if your last name is Cooper that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels if your last name is Cantor that means somebody along the line was a singer my last name is Gaffigan which is Gaelic for highly anxious and when I learned that all I could feel was highly anxious how anxious do you have to be for people to go you should go with that as your name who is that that's what we call you anyway his name is we're chosen to impress right you know someone's like you know what I want the ladies to know I'm successful so I'm gonna go with the last name gold man Goldman what are you going with Weiner I want the ladies you know I like hot dogs but who knows maybe last names mean nothing you know where I'm from in Indiana there is a guy who owns an RV dealership and his name is Tom Raper that's his name and there are Billboards come see Tom Raper and people go well we should check it out now I don't know why we would let someone named rapers sell RVs they are essentially mobile crime scenes if my last name were Raper I wouldn't leave the party of two raber is there a raper here are there family reunions are you a raper I'm a raper is this your son he looks just like a raper it's so fun getting all the rappers together in Milwaukee I stayed in a hotel named the Fister and and obviously there were sensitive to it sounding weird so they had to pee at the front so it was the puff hister hey it worked for Michelle Paul Pfeiffer and that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister what's up my name's Guido Fister why don't I go into Hospitality Guido Fister his name sounds like an ethnic slur to hear your Guido Fister the fish somewhere else [Music] [Applause] I've always talked about my weight and my stand up but in the past after shows if I ran into audience members they'd be like Jim you're not that fat you're not that fat but now after shows people are like good show you nailed it I don't care I like to eat I'd like to eat when you know when you like to eat what's weird is people assume you enjoy cooking you must know your way around the kitchen I know where the food is but you must love to cook look I like to sleep it doesn't mean I want to build a bed anything I ordered delivery I'm kind of annoyed they don't know what I want already [Music] I did lose some weight last summer thank you thank you hi Dad hi Dad why are my appendix removed no counts I didn't know what the appendix was and since I'm an idiot I just pretended like I did the doctor was like we have to remove your appendix and I was like both of them hopefully he thought I was kidding he's like ah so grateful he didn't call me out I don't know what it would have said you know there's only one appendix oh ah appendix I I thought you said lungs to me they sound similar because I'm dumb I didn't know what the appendix was but I don't feel that bad the doctor told me science isn't even sure what the appendix does exactly science isn't even sure why the appendix exists and I heard that I was like oh my gosh the appendix is like a Kardashian think about it it's a mystery to everyone but for some of us causes excruciating pain and needs to be removed with a knife obviously I'm not promoting violence against any of the Kardashians just the mother there's always one person that gets too into that joke yes kill the mother tell her and smear her blood on my face I think it's strange science doesn't know what the appendix does that means nobody knows Universe science doesn't know but Earl has a theory bro when you were cleaning the toilet you mumbled something how is that an acceptable it's got to be hard to work in a hospital that hospital lighting everyone looks sick in that hospital lighting I walked in they're like we should get you to the ER we should get you to the ER I'm just here to see my wife will you have jaundice come here oh my gosh I have drawn this too we all have jaundice when my wife would nap I'd go to the cafeteria hospitals have the most cutting-edge medical equipment but they're still serving food like it's Shawshank Redemption how about selling an MRI machine and getting a pasta station Jim you're a monster different sections and hospitals there's the emergency room the Intensive Care Unit which sounds scary but I don't know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit it kind of implies the rest of the hospitals like look we care but we're not going to be a spaz about it phone call I'm Gonna Take It we're like the meat which is better than we couldn't care a less unit those guys are home wild my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through I'll probably stop and get lunch I don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid I was gonna run into him in the cafeteria foreign but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best I don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition America's got tumors Heidi Klum thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons shouldn't the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery because it's

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 214,077

Keywords: entertainment, comedy, comedians, humor, Comedy Dynamics, sketch, stand up comedy, funny, comedy video, comedy central, laugh factory, just for laughs, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight

Id: 25p5WT3RR-I

Length: 109min 39sec (6579 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 01 2022