Meet The Dumbest People Of r/AskReddit (1 Hour Reddit Compilation)

College university admissions officers over debt what's the dumbest thing you've seen on an application arrest a I am NOT an applicant I am in a plea can I'm using this the last time this question was asked about admissions essays I shared the story of my favorite English teacher marking provincial exams and coming across some gem students quoting because lazy my favorite teacher in high school used to grade provincial English exams basically they put you in a room and you write essays out of 5 all day you have to do one paper every 5 10 minutes and you're supposed to do it an absolutely stone-cold silence he's in the middle of grading a pretty Blas a paper and he can just sense the guy beside him losing his crab he's practically convulsing he's trying so hard not to laugh he cracks and his openly howling and people start to get up and gather around to see what's funny the kid ended every single sentence in exclamation marks we went to the mall today the mall was really packed we went to buy shoes the kind I wanted went there I was sad but then I bought another pair of shoes they're okay I like my new shoes who does that I reviewed applications for fellowships at a university hospital one application letter was written in text speak including emoticons in defense of this doctor she was an international applicant and online chatting was probably how she learned English I had a student tell me she was applying because it was her dream to study under Professor Emeritus she had read all of his papers and follow a prophetess work for years she asked me if he preferred to be addressed as Doctor emeritus oh my god I thought you were using that as a fake name until I read the post again that's hilarious my aunt works in College Admissions and complains about the kids who attach bribe money usually a five dollar or a twenty dollar sometimes jokingly sometimes serious as she said she rejects those applications without looking at them she also complains about the helicopter parents who callin and want exact detail on their kids admission status how well the application looked what they thought of the essay etc good god I thought that the bribe money thing was only on AP tests I work with adults with special needs and we had one person participating in the program who had what we would have referred to as Asperger's syndrome nice guy very sharp he was writing an essay for admission and he asked me to read it over he started it with I am qualified to be a part of your institution because I survived I was ready to wrote in my eyes but I read on and dang this kid rolled for once for every stat urine character creation he'd been hit by a car electrocuted nearly drowned and been hospitalized six or seven times for various infections over the years he wasn't stupid and his family weren't monsters he was just possessed of a preternatural ability to attract bad events and then to survive them the universe had tried very very hard to kill this kid and he somehow managed to dodge the overwhelming majority of it I told him not to change a word he got him it's like you want your school to be the epicenter for the apocalypse iishe in my 10th year working professionally in college admissions the dumbest thing is the sheer number of parents who blatantly admit out loud in actual words to us that they are the ones filling out their students college admissions and scholarship applications no shame or even a hint that there might be something wrong with this I've seen two essays written by parents not just essays where you could tell from the writing that it was written by an adult but essays by mothers written in first person about their sons needless to say neither gotten and one probably would have otherwise since he had the grades so a few days ago someone from the CSU system came to my high school to talk about essays one example was a girl who apparently decided a topic was on a Korean boy band or more specifically how obsessed she was with it she pulled all-nighters to make some fan website had became popular to the point of the band noticing went as far as to learn Korean because screw English translations and said that despite seeming really crazy it was proof that she was very dedicated to whatever she did the admission guy said he approved her this sounds crazy but it's really impressive my friend learned fluent Mandarin solely because she has a huge Chinese boy fetish and now she's getting dong left and right in China this may not be exactly what you're looking for but I used to intern in the admissions office there was a policy that if you didn't bring an AC t-scores you had to take a placement test not an entrance exam just a placement test community college if you did bring an AC T scores and had at least a 12 in each section for those unfamiliar highest possible score is 36 very rare you could start out in standard classes below that you had to take the placement test and potentially take remedial courses this girl comes in one day and plops down her application and everything I run through it all and inform her she'll have to take the placement test but I thought if I brought in my AC T scores I wouldn't have to take the placement test you don't have to take the placement test if you score a 12 or above in each section well I didn't really look at it what did I make look again to make sure I read it right overall six oh is that bad it means you have to take the placement test here are the forms you need I used to be an administrator in an admissions office and would read applications before passing them on to the people who make the actual decisions my favorites included someone's personal statement that said I think so far outside of the box there is no box the person that included a copy of their pleasure boat driving license the Prince of maths who included a 45 minutes DVD of himself solving equations interspersed with dance routines the guy that submitted his personal statement showing the track changes including comments such as they can never say no to you and summon the tiger within and the many many people who offered me bright despite explaining until I was blue in the face that I had no effect on the decision and also it was illegal the Prince of maths who included a 45-minute DVD of himself solving equations interspersed with dance routines that might be YouTube gold I worked at a university that did not require admissions essays unless they were specifically asked for this meant you were wait-listed for example or something whirring stood out on your application the rest of the essays were only read by the data-entry crew one student had an extremely large amount of absences in his/her high school career and was asked to explain why the student said he/she had an intense fear of worms and because he/she walked to school was unable to attend when it had recently reigned as the sidewalks would be covered in worms it is an unusual explanation but specific phobia can cause irrational avoidance behavior as an admission counselor I see a lot of dumb essays I get more frustrated but dumb emails asking questions that are easily answered on the website do you have a nursing program number no we don't but the essays that most people are referencing here are not dumb but memorable which are the ones that get you accepted compelling essays even about complex theft cilantro beans arrests once I read an essay about a student's arrest the actual arrest not the crime are the ones that get acceptance letters do you realize how many thousands of essays we read each year if it sticks out Weil advocate for you when it comes to committee time I processed applications for a grad school admissions office when I first started working at my university and until a few years ago a lot of paper application materials were still being mailed in so I opened some doozies one math PhD applicants assay literally said I like math in red crayon I think he figured his 4.0 GPA and awesome gray quiet school was all he needed he didn't get in to international applicants sent in a photo of them conducting a military band in a chicken suit I have no clue why it went up on the wall of WTF in our office three my favorite a disturbed paranoid woman applied to PhD in psychology in person by coming to the admissions office and hand filling out one of the rare few paper applications we still had lying around then promptly pulled a letter from a recommender form her pocket that was on a folded up piece of paper not in a sealed envelope or anything we explained to her it's customary for such documents to be in a sealed envelope with a signature across the seal to show it hasn't hasn't been interfered with by the applicant she demanded an envelope which she shoved the lettering licks seals then wrote her name across the seam she came by a handful of times after that to hand-deliver documents for her application as she didn't trust a US Postal Service and said it would deliberately lose her letters because the government doesn't want people of her race to get higher education my favorite was when a letter of recommendation arrived for her this time in the mail in a sealed envelope sent by the recommender himself it said and I quote the only way X should be admitted to the gradual program in psychology as as a patient the recommender was a pastor and when she finally received her inevitable rejection from the psych program she mailed the graduate school an itemized bill for her application and gray fees gas for all her trips to the University and stamps for things she never mailed us through the racist USPS because she wanted us to reimburse her the application asked about residency status that says international US citizen permanent resident the applicant checked visa and wrote in MasterCard next to it they knew what they were doing the reasons that I have for wishing to go to Harvard are several I feel that Harvard can give me a better background and a better liberal education than any other University I have always wanted to go there as I have felt that it is not just another college but is a university with something definite to offer then too I would like to go to the same College as my father to be a Harvard man is an enviable distinction and one that I sincerely hope I shall attain the 23rd of April 1935 John F Kennedy my friend wrote one about how he invented penicillin he got accepted crap I should write one about how I invented in our essay qualifications or certifications I'm ordained and can marry people in Minnesota turns out he wasn't fricking with us seen a few years back when I was still working for admissions I got into my selective college based on my essay and a CT score because my HS grades were crap anyway my essay was called romancing the secretary and it was about all the school secretaries I knew growing up and going through school I was a weird kid with a host of issues so I spent a lot of time in the school offices getting to know the secretaries they were lovely women who got to know me and protected me from bullies and some of the teachers who hated me whenever I couldn't deal with class or was having a bad time I'd go see the secretaries and they'd cheer me up excuse me from class and make me feel like a valued human being instead of like a worthless piece of crap I didn't really have friends in high school but I had the secretaries and also the janitors and they protected me and kept me sane they were the only people to ever acknowledge my birthday's or even sign my ebooks I met the guy who read my essay and he said it made him cry cause he was the weird kid once too he said he put my application on the top of the stack and knew that I had to go to that college because he knew I would find my people there and sure enough I did my essay was so awful that my principal got mad at me for disrespecting the school you have to post it now I had a student who never had their application matched up with their other materials test scores transcripts etc because the social security numbers didn't match that's because their mother had filled out the application and written in her SSN instead I work in admissions at an online college we work in a physical office and you'd better believe we get plenty of crazy things funneling through one of my favorites was an application we received for a 27 ish year-old student who was applying for a graduate degree she had worked in her field for several years with the bachelors a few weeks after receiving this application we started getting calls from her mother demanding day day progress reports on the status of the application helicopter parents are crazy we also get plenty of people who opt to write things such as is this really necessary and I don't have time for this with my busy work schedule where they are supposed to attach a resume needless to say if you don't have time to update your own doing resume you probably don't have time to take on a full college workload the writing prompt for my top choice college when I applied was what would you do with an industrial-sized jar of mustard one of my high school friends wrote about how corrupted the UC admissions offices it was hilarious but the arguments he made were actually fair and thought-provoking he got into Berkeley I got accepted into Cornell University by writing an essay about how much I hate cilantro dang you must really hate cilantro I apparently dropped several curse words in a scholarship essay the award covered about 50% of tuition every semester I was accepted and was later told while some of the reviewers were offended we appreciated your honesty always proofread your I definitely online submitted an essay to a prof where I forgot to change the file name from Douglasville crap Lynette doc oh well my sister wrote her MIT essay about how she games a large department stores pricing inconsistencies to turn a profit to buy on sale return at regular price etc she had a pretty complicated system going she essentially wrote about how she steals from department stores she got him she also discussed the ethics of it and at the time we were pretty poor but yet for my assay for the University of Chicago I explained that I really didn't feel like writing an essay about anything they asked me to write about and so I was just going to write short answers instead I then wrote really sarcastic answers to each of them and didn't even answer one I got in that's genius I could see how they would love it though if it were well done basically as long as you're a good writer and it's well done you can do whatever but it's a big risk and I'm not that clever or skilled of a writer so I've been sticking to the prompts and playing it safe let's see where I get in I go to rice and my entire common app essay was about Lisa Simpson merry-men offered it what was that done thing you did during your dating phase that you can't believe your wife ended up overlooking I get very nervous around women rental me and especially when I know she's watching me do something even something trivial on an early date we went to the local shop to pick up some things for a picnic including some gum I was thinking really hard and aware that I was being watched I had this money on the counter gum in your mouth money on the counter gum in your mouth easy suffice to say when I put the gum on the counter and the 2 euro coin in my mouth the cashier was baffled and my girlfriend now wife was crying with laughter turned her down when she suggested we go on a date Reba's I'm super awkward I was working for Starbucks she was a regular customer I was new in town and noticed her a couple times she was a regular customer and we got to some small talk chatting about places to eat she said there's an amazing taco place down the road we should go sometime I misheard her thinking she said you should go sometime I replied with I'll definitely check it out I handed her a drink and she left very awkwardly she was back in the next day and against all odds I was able to clear up the misunderstanding and I wrote my number on her Starbucks cup we went to that taco place for our first date and she was right it was amazing three years married and two kids later really glad she saw through my awkwardness I forgot her name once when introducing her to a friend this was maybe a month into our relationship I was all alike hey and by the way this is my girlfriend I have a DD and every now and then my brain pulls a stunt like this my mom was the same as kids we'd get called by the name of one of our dogs now and then I thought it was hilarious my sister not so much not my story but my parents some backstory my dad has a brother who's only a couple years older growing up they'd commonly try to steal food off each others plates just to be buttholes to each other this was remedied by plate guarding and defensive maneuvers with utensils if hands got too close on my parents first date my mom reached for something to try off my dad's plate and he instinctively stabbed her hand with his fork drew blood and everything he was obviously mortified glad my mom was crazy enough to keep dating marry and procreate with a fork stabber on our second date I arrived 1h late when I went to greet her with a little hug yep that's how we greet people around here I accidentally knocked her phone off her hand it hit the ground and cracked the screen but I wasn't sure if it was already cracked I apologized she said it was okay in that the screen was already like that before almost a year later she confessed that I actually broke her phone that day she had just gotten it from for her mum all phones she ever had was secondhand very simple ones and she couldn't afford a new one at the time but still she lied and kept using the broken phone so I wouldn't feel bad my heart sank we've been married for two years now and I've given her a brand new flagship phone every year ever since true consumerist love sent from my iphone 11 wife was a devout animal lover and activist planned proposal at a fancy tokyo restaurant that only takes three tables at night and has 11 courses which was filled with all sorts of innovative things so you're never quite sure what's coming next in between one of the courses the chef brings out a cute little glass bowl for us to play with some squid the chef informs us these are Firefly squid that's local to the Bay my wife is delighted and practically named them two courses later they reappeared as entrees floating on a glass plate lit up from below and arranged to look like they're swimming she still said yes but have never let me forgot that I took her on literally the worst dining experience she had and I had paid the most ever for played weird al' CDs non-stop for a six hour car trip to the beach she didn't ditch me but haven't been allowed to play we're down in her presence for the past 24 years got tickets to see him this year on our anniversary and knew better than to ask her to join me so I took a couple of my kids that appreciate the finer things in life best anniversary gift ever great show soon-to-be-wife here when we first met it was during an introduction class or something like that he kept kissing the teachers bus and talking we're I too much and just being kind of a show-off I wanted to punch him in the face come to find out he's in almost all my classes and for lunch a couple of girls and I decided to go to McDonald's he invited himself I was annoyed two months into our relationship he confessed that he saw me and was intrigued and wanted to get to know me so he did everything to get my attention he's an extrovert I'm an introvert I'm surprised he managed to actually get my attention we've been together for 10 years getting married on the 23rd of September on my first date with my wife we got to talking about tattoos I have a rule that if I have an idea for it - - I sit on it for a while to see if I really would still want it I mentioned this to her and explained how glad I am that I do this because otherwise I'd be covered in tulle the band tattoos or some other dumb crap she rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm well you did tell her you liked the band and wanted to talk to them on your body at some point that's way better than having to show your - lyric tattoo to someone who doesn't even know the band five years ago after dating for two weeks I accepted a job offer on another continent I told how we didn't know each other well enough for me to pass up an opportunity like that and if it was meant to be it would work itself out well it was meant to be and we got married this spring we had a couple great dates and things were looking promising then I got super busy at work and didn't contact her for about three and a half weeks without giving her a heads-up she decided to move during this time after things calm down at work I text her again we worked things long-distance and finally got married she reminds me that I didn't ask her out again for a very long time every few months my husband kept calling me by the name of his previous girlfriend on our first date I finally told him to give her a call because they clearly had unfinished business to talk about he did and she reminded him why he was happy to have her out life and he never called me by her name again forty years later and it seems to have worked out in my favor nicely handled my husband broke my thumb one night when we were slightly tipsy horseplay got too rough and I think drunk memory he slammed my hand against something we both heard the pop and I went to tears holy crap that must have been one heck of an awkward night not the married man but on probably our third or fourth date my man mixed our soups I got a watermelon gazpacho a cold soup and he got a seafood bisque I am a sharer sir we both tasted and didn't love mine but we loved this after the tasting he boldly ignore sleet's mine is so great I got this while pouring our two soups into one it was the worst lukewarm thing I've ever tasted five years later and we've never mixed soups again too risky this would make me believe my date was some sort of psychopath there's no reason that even - but soups off similar theme should be mixed it defeats the entire freakin purpose of ordering a specific soup accidentally set her hair on fire with a match while lighting a cigarette not good we are still married 29 years later I don't smoke anymore reminds me of the story my grandpa told me on his first date with my grandma he wanted to see exactly how flammable hairspray was she wears a lot and he held up a match near her hair she had a bit of hair missing for a while I wouldn't been out 100% his dumb boss antics have drastically declined oh not me but my first door neighbor's story I didn't know their story until one day another friend told me what happened and she confirmed it she was at a party and caught him looking at her every now and then she kinda liked him so she decided to make the first move she took a few shots for courage and went in as time passed by she continued to drink while talking to him and got pee drunk like not being able to walk drunk he was a type of guy that didn't drink that much at all and presume she can drink a lot but when she stood up from couch after few hours the alcohol swept her to the so as a gentleman he offered to carry her home no that was when we were late teens no car no money so he started Pidgey bat her home that was like 30 - 45 mins walk like normal sober walk he managed to carry her on his back about 500 meters from her home and stoped to take a break for a moment his back hurt him AF so he decided to carry her in his arms a few steps away and he notices very unpleasant smell since he isin't for now parts and he was rural area he asked barely conscious her what is that fricking stink she just mumbled I shat my pants then proceeded to pass out in his arms only coming back to mumble Frick sorry and passing out again so one guy bows he brings her home and lies her on floor since he was afraid of messing up her bed or couch and left home but few moments after he comes back wakes her up and asks would she mind if he helped her shower since she can't sleep 8 HL shut up mostly because it's not hygienic safe and her whole house and everything would smell she agreed and after he bathed her she asked him to sleep in her bed in case she needed him so one time I asked guy how the Frick did he got over that he said they clicked at the first glance and he just felt that he needs to take care of her because he took responsibility to bring her home all right and if she said no to bathing he would back off he'll then world be with her cuz crapping yourself while dead drunk is still understandable but sleeping whole day like that would be too nasty he laid besides her until she fell asleep and then watched TV until she woke up they were inseparable since then since that first date I have never seen them apart it's been almost 15 years since then and just recently they got beautiful little daughter so many stories of relationships that start this way it's almost as if the poo in their pants becomes fertilizer for their growing love a gross yet beautiful we drank a lot on our second date you bird home next day went back to get his car and it wasn't there he was so devastated he just bought it recently and it was stolen we filed a police report took forever and just generally sucked we walked to his friend's house nearby and there was his car perfectly unstow ylim he drank so much he forgot he moved it before our date now once in a while when we're trying to find our car in the grocery store parking lot or wherever one novice will say it's stolen call the police I was sitting on the couch as we were playing Wii bowling she was standing behind the couch lovingly holding me I draw back the Wii mote and Wham I whack her in the face with the Wii mote at full strength her mom was also in the room soon as I saw playing Wii I knew I didn't really do it but I thought he would be weirded out anyways very first time he stayed at my house after about three hours of my two male roommates trying to make him uncomfortable we went to bed and he put his contacts and two shot glasses of water because he had no case with him I don't know if that's a dumb thing to do I've never worn them maybe we were drinking and that seemed like a good idea anyways he had never had a patent was kind of weirded out by my cat standing beside him and yell meowing at him all night is that normal is he mad at me or something woke up the next day to find out the cat drank all the water from the shot glasses contacts included ty had to help him home because he is seriously blind without them he still wanted to see me again even though the night was weird and the cat became his best friend despite some initial skepticism on both their parts comma he's seriously blind without them , he wanted to see me again nice insisted that everything in San Francisco was walking distance from everything else and decided we should walk from pier 39 to Golden Gate Park it is walkable but not third-date walkable or whatever shoes she happened to be wearing that day walkable as someone unfamiliar with San Francisco I googled it six point five miles apart a two-hour walk according to Google and by the looks of it a crap ton of Hills Google is giving me a warning I've never seen before that walking directions may not reflect real-world conditions and it looks like the elevation changes back and a couple hundred feet more than once my uncle didn't call his now-wife for over a year after they first met and he got her number he kept the paper she wrote it on and ended up finding it and calling her asking if she still remembered him and was still interested in going on a date so what you're saying is there's always a chance why they're about three weeks into dating my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and spin me around in his driveway unfortunately it was not his most brilliant idea and he tripped and we fell right onto the concrete next to my car reader he landed on top of me you cushioned his fall how sweet of you I can tell you for him we were leaving his new apartment keep in mind we've been dating for a short amount of time we haven't been through a lot of firsts yet his apartments was on the back of the building so we had to walk through a small passage to get to the other side in order to leave imagine this passage is slightly shadow but the light shoots through it so it creates this romantic silhouette as we left his apartment and walked into this passage area he grabs my hand and pulls me towards himself I'm thinking all he is going to put my hand around his waist how romantic locks my hand on his butt and loudly farts it was a very brave move for a new couple would being married for 13 years now given the amount of fart related stories I'm beginning to suspect that flatulence is actually a human mating call wife here it's about three weeks into dating my husband invited me to a house party at his best friend's place we were playing beer pong having fun the other team is up they toss the ball I leaned forward to try to block it my now husband extends his hand out in front of me at the same time catching the ball but at the same time hitting me in the eye and somehow pulling out three strokes four of my eyelashes he felt terrible about it and tried to burn off his eyelashes and drunken sympathy he hates when I bring it up but I think it is the funniest story she was about to sneeze and she was sitting half on my lap so I kind of thought she was gonna sneeze on me and idk what I was thinking but I put my hand up to block her sneeze except I had a glass in my hand and I blocked her own hand from covering her sneeze and instead she slammed her face into my glass - married six years now she still has all her teeth I made myself a burger for dinner before heading over to her place to hang out unfortunately I'm not the best cook and left a little too much pink in that burger while we were at her house I bet her I could fit through the doggie door and crawled right through then she immediately closed it behind me and we raced to the front door she won and she locked it now at this exact moment my bowels decided they had enough fog that burger from earlier and I felt my stomach cramp luckily I held it all in and ran back to the back door with my cheeks clenched and starting knocking desperately in the door she was laughing at first but when she saw my face goes suddenly serious and I said very calmly I need you to open the door now please she unlocked the door and asked if I was okay I told her to stay downstairs and turn the tv up loud she agreed but was very confused so I ran upstairs and then had one of the most violent shoots of my whole life I thought the worst was behind me until I went to wipe and of course no TP so she took my instructions really well and when I yelled to her texted her and called her I got no answer after probably like 10 missed calls she finally answered and I asked her to bring me some TP and leave outside the door and try not to breathe on the way upstairs she was great about it and immediately started making fun of me when I came back downstairs now quite a few years later a couple kids and cat she's still making fun of me man I was so expecting this story to end with you getting stuck in the doggie door and crapping your pants we were taking a shower together and she was soaping up while I was under the hot water rinsing off and she slipped and instead of grabbing helping her I pulled away thinking for some reason that I had already rinsed off and didn't want to get soapy thank God she caught herself on the shower curtain and didn't get hurt she was not happy my explanation of my faulty thinking didn't help at all we laugh about it now but had took some serious smoothing over at the time oh yay it's not like you are in the shower and can't just rinse again I know what my husband would say because I still tease him to this day we had been dating for two weeks and were spooning on his futon watching a movie out of nowhere he says I'm really sorry I can't hold it in anymore and rips a huge fart my husband was a very clean tight-knit prudish kind of guy so I couldn't help but let out the biggest laugh while he turned about as red as his beard little late to the party but here's my story when we had only been dating a month or so my then boyfriend went to pick me up I assumed and accidentally threw my head through the ceiling and gave me a concussion he's six feet eight inches and just really misjudged the distance I also had a hard time getting used to his height and very regularly kneed him in the balls for about two years while cuddling so I think we're even we've been together six years now and proud to say we haven't injured each other in about for my first GF did that almost every time we cuddle - but she was a sweetheart so it was all right I had just started a job working with her and unbeknownst to me at a time her mom her mom and I did not get along my move was what's up with that thick B insert name she said oh I'll tell my mom you said hi I was dead but hey here's we are married 16 years so it wasn't until after we were married that my wife told me that I almost didn't get a second date because I talked while ride too much during the movie I don't really remember it but apparently I was leaning over every 30 seconds or so to tell her what I was thinking also Valkyrie with Tom Cruise probably wasn't that great of a date movie but it all worked out in the end eta please forgive me my movie talking sins everybody I was a dumb teenager and she's really pretty I was just quite anxious for things to go well first date with my wife end of the night I went to kiss her on the cheek being all sweet and crap she thought I was leaning in for a hug and leaned in to as she leaned in I turned my head and instead of her cheek I kissed her neck turned super red and embarrassed and goodbye and almost pushed her out of the door at my apartment by immediately texted her sorry as well and she laughed three years into marriage she apparently didn't care on our first dinner date my husband ordered a crap-ton of food to show me his favorites at an Indian restaurant and forgot his wallet at home and only discovered doing so when the check had arrived cleared me out well over a hundred bucks and he was absolutely mortified but we've been married for near two years so my card got declined on the first lunch date we went on the bill was less than $20 I was freaking mortified fifteen years married now when we were dating my husband and I were holding hands when he had to cough instead of letting go of my hand and covering his mouth he continued to hold on brought it up to his mouth and coughed into my hand it was a dry cough if it was anything more I would have run my girlfriend did this to me and is still horrified whenever I catch her about to do it again I didn't ask her for her number the first time we hung out knowing I may never see her again my brother got it and I later got it from him she had an xbox and staying the night she woke up to me playing some arcade a hockey game and providing commentary of Google gold gold gol small goalie tailed my then-boyfriend at the time that I wanted to have sex for the first time and he made me wait until his Magic the Gathering tournament was over I decided to not shave for a few months since I was going to be serving in the jungles of Ecuador and wanted to be a wild man as it turns out a thick blonde neck that isn't very attractive we met our first day of high school so there are many my least her family's favorite is when I left her messages this was before cell phones and her parents owned a business they set their voicemail in a business manner in that you dial one for father to for mother and so on I found out later it was practice for their office line and that this line went to the same recording or no matter what I left so many messages of call me ramblings they were on vacation her her four siblings and her parents listened to it all on speaker in a then we kept it secret for us until we didn't it's never stopped I got fairly intoxicated and decided to tie a towel around my shoulders while completely naked and run in front of her on FaceTime screaming look at my dangle yes but she does remember you when I kneeled to propose I landed on a sharp rock and we had to go to the because it lodged in my kneecap everything just really everything our first kiss is the one that sticks out in my mind we kissed and right as we kiss some air moves in my throat sounded like a burp that it wasn't it seemed like I burped right into her mouth and I was mortified she now knows it wasn't a burp it's at a time not so much I'm such a lucky fool and had some big blunders early while learning Who I am and who she is I'm lucky someone so wonderful surpassed the stupid young person I was I Hank those esophagus gurgles my wife and I get them I get gas gurgles like that too sounds like a fart but it's just my stomach moving around transitioning from that uncomfortable to the comfortable phase I was sitting across the room while she did homework I farted pretty loudly and she looked me in the eyes and fired back luckily I had another in the chamber and asserted my dominance to my surprise which she matched for a second time but even louder having this all happened in a span of 2 seconds and thinking it was pretty funny I tried to top her by forcing one more out to reign supreme well let's just say it wasn't a fart I forced out one of her favorite stories to tell close friends and family we've been married for going on four years though so L guess it all worked out for me TLDR crap yourself in front of potential mates if you want to get married no guts no glory find the wife probably a year into us dating we fought about something neither office can remember now to make up for it he went and bought us both dessert which was a sweet gesture of course he went and did it right after dinner so I was still full and said I would shower and eat it when I finished my shower well when I was in the shower he decided for some godforsaken reason to eat the dessert he bought for me after eating his own serving of it everyone who has heard the story is very surprised our relationship lasted after that night I did bring it up in my vows as an example of how I'll love him even when it's not the easiest thing to do he when we were first dating my husband had a massive night out drinking I was trialing some antidepressant medication and Wizard Bull of anxiety barely slept all night I woke up to texts from him saying he had grabbed some bacon and egg rolls for breakfast but was locked out but I got up and found him passed out in my doorway and he'd eaten both roles sucker I once spear tackled my then girlfriend out of misplaced enthusiasm in high school I was excited to see her and handled it as badly as was possible it was in front of a bunch of Val friends and I ended up knocking the wind out of her and making her cry that was about 17 years ago and we're still together I also licked my plate at a fancy restaurant because the salad dressing was so good she still brings that one up every few years edit my most upvoted comment ever is me recounting my most shameful relationship fails the internet is weird plate liquors unite so basically your man puppy the night I made my husband he stared at me while I was sleeping for four hours straight it's been three years he still stares at me until I scold him for it then he waits until he thinks I won't notice and start staring again I love him to the moon and back even though he'd sure as heck stare at me the entire trip my GF does it all the time although flattering it's still pretty creepy to wake up to what was the dumbest assignment you were given in school in my eighth grade English class we had a South African teacher who really wanted to teach art instead we read maybe too the entire years but we made about 15 paintings related to books we read on our own right before winter break she told us we would each be writing a 50 page fiction book over the next month and a half including the break we had to make a proposal and summary of our story and present it to the class for a grade barely anyone worked on their book over the break which rarely peed the teacher off I started writing my book ten days before it was due at one point I wrote 20 pages in a day but usually did 4-6 pages a day naturally my book was flailing nonsense mostly lifted from Magic the Gathering law and it kind of just ended at a certain point but I spent a crapload of time working on it so whatever the assignment was brutal for an eighth grader especially coupled with other homework so I was just happy with writing the full 50 pages when we turned our books in one of my friends told me he only wrote 20 pages of actual content and the rest was random words strung together and another friend only wrote 25 pages I was pretty proud of myself for legitimately trying then our teacher had us sell our books to her by wearing dress clothes and pitching our stories to her we received three grades for that but she didn't even grate us on the actual books or even read them my friends who bullshitted the assignment made the same grades as me I could have given her 50 pages of greeting and got in the same grade it was the most fruitless freaking thing I've ever done and she didn't even give us the books back no matter how many times our parents asked it was without a doubt the worst assignment I've ever done and nothing else has even come close that hurts my feels the teacher for my AP government class used to make us grade the tests and papers from his other classes because we were smart enough to learn the material on our own we never really complained about it because grading tests is more fun than doing actual work but in the end it kinda sucked cause most office did bad on the AP exams there are three branches of the government and by the time the AP exams rolled around we had only gone over to in class sounds like a super crappy teacher in Spanish class we had to write a haiku in English this is Spanish class we should be learning Spanish teach frickin Spanish I went to an abstinence-only school district in eighth grade health class we took brown paper lunch bags wrote my abstinence on them and magic marker and decorated them then filled them with slips of paper listing reasons we should stay abstinent we were encouraged to write things like I'll lose my self-respect I might get an STD etc then we had to carry these dang things around for a week our teacher could stop us at any time in class or in the hallway and demand to see it and we lose points for not having it I drank a cup of water and rated it this was for a senior stats class in high school this was a test grade the 7th of August 2010 too much water in high school we had to write a letter about a rule or policy we didn't like and address it to someone in a high position at a company or in the government or whatever everyone thought it was just an exercise so most of us just wrote a letter to the principal about a stupid school rule that we didn't like turns out the teacher actually sent every letter without telling us one at a time we were called into the principal's office and about three strokes four other class got detentions for it that's such BS I got a punishment exercise once that's was to write about the life of a ping pong ball had to be 400 words so I think I started it off with I was bought for three pounds and 99 pence then I was taken out of the box and my life consisted of ping pong ping pong for another 378 times I was given another one for being a smartest on an exam in university we had to make a PowerPoint presentation but not with a computer or anything no that would be too reasonable instead we had to draw a bunch of boxes on white paper and fill them in with pictures words and whatnot coloring was expected this was in a third-year engineering course we wrote letters to Santa then a month or two later the teacher read us a story which mentioned Santa not being real yay high school sucks we had to take a test to find out our social class as if we didn't already know I am sorry Timmy you're in the poor class and can't associate with your friend Jackie anymore go sit with Martin comma Bert Martin smells like a pig's butt hole well get used to it Timmy because you're about to get crap on your whole life we once had a crossword in chemistry crass words are stupid assignments anyway but this one took the cake instead of clues to figure out and write in blanks the clues were the words the assignment was literally to copy the words into the blanks the teacher used some old windows95 program to make them the program could make either crosswords or word searches I'm pretty sure she meant to make a word search and made a crossword by accident but you think she would have realized at some point she did realize that said Frick it I don't want extra work go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and write a paper on the experience it felt like such an invasion of privacy I had an English teacher in high school it was his first year teaching there that was not well liked for some of his policies regarding his class he knew this and towards the end of the year maybe three stroke 4sn gave us a choice of two assignments a very long essay about the characters and simbook we were reading or a one-page letter addressing why we don't like him and what he could do to change it turns out only myself and three other kids in class chose the letter how do I know it was only three other kids because he reported us all to the principal and we were called in one day to get a lecture about how disrespectful we had been to the teacher and we all got in-school suspensions daang it's actually not that bad of an assignment but it was just funny we had to create movie cast for a book we were reading and explain why we cast the actors in each role we created Tyler Perry's the Scarlet Letter and just put Tyler Perry in every part I'm fairly sure we got a good grade this would make a terrifying film in gym class we had a fitness contest teacher must have goofed up because ten sit-ups were one point and each bench hop was ten stand on one side of the bench with both hands on it and hop over it sit-ups were first so I did ten and stopped I looked at the others powering our 60 70 then came been chopped and as they were all cramped from sit-ups I powered out about 100 Congrats you won Jim my biology teacher during my senior year wanted us to collect all these plant samples in winter on the west coast of Canada where about 75% of the plants she assigned us weren't blooming at all during this time but to be fair she was from South Africa but honestly maybe research the area before assigning a project like that it's impossible to find dandelions and maple leaves when it's fricking January you can't find Maple Leafs during the playoffs either unless you work on a golf course third grade create something that serves a purpose but has never been invented before for those wondering I wrapped a coat hanger around a handheld fan and put an ice cream cone in it never got to do much field testing but I'm pretty sure it melted just as quickly faster convection being a thing and all that the one where they test if you read the test over before answering first question was to read everything carefully last was telling you to not answer any of them middle questions I got it every year of elementary school for some stupid reason to in my grade 10 IB math class one day our teacher was absent and one of the pay teachers subbed in this guy was an awesome energetic paid teacher but knew absolutely nothing about math so he begins class with assigning as some textbook work then telling everyone that there was going to be a test at the end of class with the IB program being accelerated learning everyone in the class was freaking out in furiously studying for this surprise test with about ten minutes left in class the teacher tells everyone to take out a piece of paper and to answer the question on the overhead we had until the end of class to complete our answer he turns on the projector and the only thing written as I just got a new boat what should I name it s s go Frick yourself once in high school we had to pick a classmate and write a poem about them we'd then have to read it out and have everyone guess who it was about I had social anxiety and no friends in the class I wrote the poem about myself loophole unlocked in Community College our sociology professor wanted us to go to Little Tokyo in downtown LA and ask World War 2 related questions to anyone who looked Japanese I decided to drop that class and get a W instead we dropped something a little different on anyone who looked Japanese and got a different kind of W instead our science teacher did not think seat belts did anything we disagreed she told us to do a five page paper on why seat belts are ineffective she told us not to voice our opinions in it only present the one side of the argument her side if only she then got in a car crash and got saved by a seat belt after assigning it but before it was due so she had to end up reading about why what saved her life was useless took a business class in high school the first assignment was learning to sing a song about which presidents were on which bills there were accompanying arm and body motions I was aghast that's hilarious to write a story about my peoples festival of lights instead of writing about Christmas my people don't celebrate a festival of lights yay public elementary school I was tutoring some Saudi children last year and one of the girls was given a similar assignment no one knew what it was her teacher sent home angrier and angrier notes about why the assignment wasn't handed in despite several notes from home being written asking what this festival was create a Facebook profile for a book character easiest grade I ever got I had this same assignment we had to do it for Romeo and Juliet tailed to get naked and look at myself in the mirror for homework for geometry class we had to choreograph a dance to show how lines move through things like translations dilations and rotations our group never took any of it seriously and we got a 100% on it that sounds like a cool assignment for a magnet art school if you had to perform it there it would be annoying in a public school since you may not be interested in choreography write a rap about the Bill of Rights it was kind of dumb but looking back at it it was fun at the time so some Broadway is making a bunch of money off this idea ahem Hamilton I had to write the numbers 1 - 500 when I was in third grade my mom was the last person to make excuses for me but she wrote a note to the teacher saying that she told me I didn't have to do it because it was fricking pointless we did this in first grade except it was a number scroll where each page had 100 boxes for kids to continue writing numbers and attaching it to their long number Scrolls complete busywork memorized the whole class's name about 40 students and we were going to be quizzed on it this was a freaking Latin class in the first week of high school I quit the class and took Spanish instead lived in Okinawa and went to her Dodds high school for American military children 9th grade science teacher broke her hip they shipped her to Hawaii and replaced her with app a certified instructor but she had no idea what she was doing 95% of the students refused to do their work since they could use the excuse of the teacher switching and then being oh so confused by the switch in styles come end of the year she had to offer extra credits to raise their grades the assignment give a presentation on some part of the human body you get a free 100 added to your grade I'm sitting pretty with my 97 so Frick the report presentation the kids who did it did terrible half-ass projects with incorrect info a teacher literally added a 100 to their overall grade 117 percent 133 percent I had a weird class in college that was about how philosophy sociology psychology biology and other things relate to the human brain but all in a very pop science way it was kind of the fun fact or cool trick class we had one assignment where we had to go outside and write down everything we could hear but not like birds chirping or car going by we had to write on a mat appear like tweet tweet or froom froom but if you went that common cliche with your sound words you'd get a bad grade title pages marked on the quality of our artwork in math and science in high school never did one to pick up a piece of wood or shell or Ark and discuss how it represents you as a person I have never felt more uncomfortable and stupid in front of other adults but this hunk of dirt is crumbly like my sanity very hippie Oprah rainbow guru crap ap statistics class teacher wanted to prove a point about guessing on tests or something he gave us a scantron sheet with 25 questions and told us to bubble in random answers he then applied a curve so the person with the most right questions got 100 percent and graded from there I think I got a ten percent or something it wasn't a test grade thank God but it was a quiz grade the worst assignments I got was not really for a grade but school fundraisers they varied in scope throughout the years usually ranging from wrapping paper to magazines they were always overpriced crap and most fundraisers only gave the school ten cents to every dollar sold : we had to write an essay about how the Hobbit animated film from the 70s or so could be interpreted as a Christian allegory one of the prompts the teacher gave was to think about how the ring could be seen as a divine gift from God to help Bilbo succeed I did not enjoy that one whoever thought of the One Ring as a divine gift obviously didn't read a book very well the kettle project minimum four pages on the history and development of kettles in HS I had a permanent substitute for our geometry class it was evident that she had no clue how to teach geometry or even do the math this is just one of the bogus assignments right five math quotes from Stand and Deliver but she was such a bad teacher that she influenced me to become a math teacher seven years later I am having students take interest in scientific and mathematical discussions and learning in a very high need area I couldn't be any happier learning English we had to write all irregular verbs with alphabet soup I refers to do it and turns out just fine hope you still pose the class in my first year of university we took a test worth twenty-five percent of our grade that was so filled with errors that it was borderline incomprehensible multiple-choice questions with answer options from a different question true or false questions like how long ago approximately did we separate from chimpanzees there were 90 students in an exam hall writing this test the supervisors did their best it ended up being Bell curved 23% upwards because the average grade was 45% I recently had to take notes on a paragraph then use my notes to write a paragraph about the topic of the notes so I was made to rewrite a paragraph over the course of two days our ninth grade English teacher told us a long rambling story about his father's life but then assigned us all to write a page long essay on how his father was a hero I had to make a website for a high school class in 1999 that wasn't a stupid assignment but the way it was graded was I was a nerd and I created a website on my personal server the problem is that the entire thing was written in PHP I turned it in along with a copy of the source code and I got an F because it wasn't in HTML and the teacher didn't understand it freaking web site was basically in a commerce site with a shopping cart and everything pisses me off just thinking about it I have had to do sell City three times basically draw something that can be an analogy for a cell and then within it draw things that could be considered to be analogies for individual organelles mind-numbing leezak incredibly boring and completely an informative my friend did event lab for that assignment got a ninety five in junior high I had a teacher that wouldn't let us go to lunch until everyone laughed for two minutes straight if she saw someone not laughing she started the clock over again finally we were allowed to go to lunch ten minutes later after lots of forced hangry laughter from peed off 14-year olds lawyers public defenders of Reddit what is the dumbest case you have ever had to argue client was charged with violating his probation by failing to provide her drug screen his defense he tried so hard he shouted so it's not like he chose to not give a screen thirty some-odd year old man testifying to that in court straight-faced that i had to duck behind the podium to stop laughing if he took a crap you must acquit I represented a guy who asked chick-fil-a if they would denied anything as a giveaway for a car show he was running they agree and hand him like three hundred free chicken sandwich coupons the thing is there was no car show the guy just convinced them there was an pocketed all the coupons for those wondering this is theft by deception Sheik Phyllis theoretically out like four dollars per sandwich Sheik filler doesn't sue they just tell the cops and they take care of the rest I didn't handle final disposition but he'd have gotten probation dude beat off in the library the librarian saw him they collected his semen from the carpet in the DNA matched there was a video we went to trial client hired accountant accountant did work client decided not to pay accountant Accountants ends me demand letter for full Sun plus interest since their contract stipulated thread the interest for late payment I convince accountant to settle for full amount owing under contract but no interest client doesn't pay countin files statement of claim and gets summary judgment for amount owing interest and legal fees I don't act for that client anymore I had to prosecute a woman in the Tampa Bay area because she had received a citation for not having her cat on a leash while it was outdoors the poor old lady brought in pictures of her outdoor cat to show how cute it was I'm not even fully convinced she owned the cat as all as she did to care for it was put some food and water outside by her shed at that point I was fully convinced of two things the first being that my civic duty had been more than satisfied by imposing a fine upon this poor old women also that Florida was not the place for me as everyone in the courtroom actually seemed to think getting a fine from this women was just and worth the taxpayer time wasted to achieve the same at Florida is an interesting place I represented a condo board that wanted to evict a woman the condo bylaws allowed for up to two casts provided the board gave permission this woman had 19 casts none of which had approval this woman showed up to court and argued that she shouldn't be evicted since there were only six cats once had to defend a juvie charged with animal cruelty four freaking moms Pomeranian since mom had caught him red-handed or whatever choices of defense were limited but since the statute defined animal cruelty as inflicting unnecessary pain or torture on an animal I argued that the defendant hadn't violated the statute because he'd used shaving cream as lube if he hadn't that would have been unnecessary pain or torture judge ruled against my client of course and nearly locked me up as well just on general principles bar the life father PD mums Pomeranian is all distended you did not use creamers intended my friend represented the city in a theft case he was forced to prosecute a one-legged elderly man who took some cans from a curbside recycling container don't freak with city property folks not a lawyer but my dad works for a hotel chain that got sued what happened essentially was a son and a father were staying as this resort and were checking out but had a few hours to kill before flight beside him they wanted to got jet skiing they asked the lady at the front desk of a place they could go to she suggested a place that was no way affiliated with the hotel was just a company nearby well they go jet skiing but the dad falls off his jet ski and the son drives over him and kills his dad so instead of realizing hey that's a tragic accident they see you not the ski company that rented them the jet ski ice know the hotel where they asked where they could jet ski public defender here just last week I had a client who was charged with kicking in somebody's door to steal a kitten but quite literally a cat burglar I chuckled I have two core stories ones I heard secondhand but still good if you don't mind the first I heard while at lunch with the state prosecutor and public defender the case was pretty cut-and-dry guy robbed a bank at gunpoint teller gave him the money in a bank bag and pressed the silent alarm the police show up quickly and she gives a description of the guy cops are able to catch him not far away he dropped the bank bag in the pursuit so they had that against him never found the gun did that tell a positively IDs him so whatever case is presented in court and the jury goes back to deliberate should have taken a very short time the prosecutor figures but winds up being forever they finally come out and give a guilty verdict the prosecutor later finds out that the jury deliberation was held up by a single woman who must have seen too much and sis or something because she wouldn't shut up about wanting to see the gun is proof the rest of the jury was ready to vote guilty but she just would not shut up then one of the other female jurors shuts her up where's the gun I want to see the gun he isn't guilty if they don't find a gun any listen you by arch you want to know where that gun is he hid it so that when you release him on this idiotic pretense he can come and Rob your but the woman quickly shut up and they all voted in favor of guilty the other case was a paternity case dealing with the child of a teenager the DNA results showed that the child was not that of a girl's current boyfriend but she insisted that he was the only man she had slept with the judge asked her to really think back to the time in question and consider any times she had slept with other men in the room or whatever the new mother explained that well there was one time she and her friend had slept with their boyfriends in the same room but they both used the condom what do you mean they both used the condom the judge asks the girl proceeds to explain that they only had one condom at the time so the friend in her guy Frick then turned the condom inside out for the now new mom and her guide to use it was quickly ruled that the baby belonged to the friends boyfriend that last story my god obligatory not me but I watched while I clerked for a judge a cokehead shot his cokehead friend in a dispute about the latter smoking more than his fair share the guy who was shots girlfriend drives him to the air it has warrants so literally kicks him out of the car and speeds off he only got shot in the arm so the hospital had him patched up in no time and he told the cops the whole story while still on those good Hospital drugs flash-forward to trial the men are friends again and the guy who was shot has written a letter in the most shockingly beautiful cursive stating I verily swear that Bob did not shoot me I don't know who did thank you he also recorded a crappy cell phone video where he verily swears even the guys defense attorney was convinced the letters were actually more damning than the confession they didn't even ask their own client questions on the stand they just allowed him to testify which is the ethical way attorneys balance their clients right to testify without supporting perjury but wouldn't you know it the jury found him not guilty everyone including the shooter was visibly shocked he got to go home scot-free when the jury was questioned they were basically the other guy verily swore Juris you never know I studied this case in a law class and it's hilariously stupid but it went to the Washington Supreme Court a five-year-old moved an old lady's chair before she sat in it and she fell over she sued the five-year-old for battery the court found that five-year-olds can indeed be liable for a tort I defended a conversion case essentially a civil theft allegation where the parties were fighting over possession of a giant collection of Lord of the Rings memorabilia like tens of thousands of dollars worth I know those books backwards and forwards I occasionally worked lines into the pleadings it would have been intolerable not to but my favorite was off to evil will shall evil nah not a lawyer but in my previous job loss prevention we had to go to court almost weekly for our cases while waiting there was a woman that was on the stand for prostitution she had a translator and the translator lawyer and judge negotiated judge says translator please let your client know that I could send her to jail for this translator does translator please ask your client if she would be able to afford a $100 fine the defendant very loudly says be please I have 300 in my pocket right now judge slams the gavel the fine will be 300 then father is a personal injury attorney heard this story from a circle of his friends woman driving at night ends up running over a drunk in the middle of the road turns out the drunk is rich woman decides to sue his estate for the injuries sustained to her neck when her car went over his body not my client but I listened to a hilarious plea negotiation for a granny who was busted for a DUI she was like 83 and arrested driving a boat off a caddy anyway negotiations were going well until the prosecutor who was flipping through pages and pages of this granny's rap sheet gasps and says at me Moore was tried for attempted murder in 1973 witty Barb's were traded the defense attorney argued the merits of granny's acquittal and eventually the prosecutor offered a reasonable plea but not until after much speculation about whether granny did it this isn't from the lawyer's point of view but the defendants my dad is in a doctor he had a patient coming with an eye infection since he is not an ophthalmologist he could not diagnose or treat a disease of the eye he gives the lady some eyedrops to help with the pain and tells her to go see an ID okay safely to get the infection actually treated bTW he sent her home with written instructions to so lady goes home and never sees the eye doctor infection gets worse she ends up needing a cornea transplant because she's a fricking idiot then she sues my dad for malpractice and somehow frickin won luckily my dad's malpractice insurance covered it but JFC the kicker is that malpractice suits in my state have a time limit of file hers was filed right before the time limit expired because that's how long it took for her to find a lawyer to take the case not me neither friends dad was a public defender for a drug dealer and they had freaking video with audio of the deal going down that the guy still wanted to go to court I have no idea why after sitting on a jury I have little to no faith that any jury trial blend in the obvious and rational verdict not lawyer but family self defended so kinda my grandparents sold their house right on closing day the buyers called them up and told them they were withholding thirty thousand dollars from the sale price because my grandparents had left holes in the walls from paintings and such removed trees and plants from the backyard and removed an entertainment unit which was specifically listed as not included in the sale documents literally wasted six months of our lives defending ourselves gave my grandma and also from the stress and they lost in the end and were forced to pay for pain and suffering and partner ups they literally had zero ground to stand on we think that they were assuming that most people couldn't afford to be out twenty-five thousand dollars and potential legal fees when they had just bought a new home but my grandparents were downsizing and not in the mood to be flicked with my grandpa defended himself and man oh man he is scary as crap to be questioned by as a grandfather let alone on a witness stand apparently the wife of the buying couple almost cried when questioned by him the judge later complimented his legal abilities haha the neighbor testified that no plants had been taken and that the buyers had basically tried to coerce him into not testifying that the holes in the walls were tiny as crap and to be expected in the wall unit BS was just the craziest being that it was thoroughly listed in the sale as not included it wasn't built in but looked like it the sad thing is my grandma literally cleaned the house spotless like she already has a house clean enough to eat off the floors and left them a welcome gift basket they're such freaking nice people and two bottles decided they could be easily flicked with people who try to take advantage of the elderly are among the worst kinds of scum every time I do an eviction me did you pay the rent tenant No em why not T X Y and Zed are wrong with the unit em ok did you tell the landlord or put anything in writing t no this is mostly because I work in LA and we have professional tenants they know I'll never be able to track them down to get payment off try evict them they also know they can extend their free stay by making the case go to court solicitor I did work experience with had a pretty dumb case client was prosecuted for using a hidden camera to take an appropriate photos of women he was let go from his job when a co-worker read the entire story in a newspaper and showed his boss who chose to fire client as the company had many female workers who would be uncomfortable working with him client even has to move house to a new area because of the publicity client then tries to sue his old employer for wrongful termination he lost I charged a defendant with introduction of contraband in a jail he was arrested on a separate warrant and smuggled em inside his but to pass the time behind bars deputies located him strung out in his cell and his excuse was that a group of scary men burst into his cell with the drugs and forced him to get high cameras easily disprove it n ghosts duress defense works every time not me but when I lived overseas with the military I decided to sit in on a trial because why not the trial was about a guy who bought TVs on base which are somewhat cheaper because of no taxes and used them for a private business of his off base which was a mixture of an American breakfast restaurant in the morning and a Buffalo Wild Wings in the afternoon and evenings with a trivia and sports game anyways living in East Asia at the time it was nice to get a slice of home apparently buying stuff on base and using it off base for a profit his counting as black marketing because he was exploiting the advantages of the exchange on base department store the ending of being convicted and the T vs he bought with his own money were confiscated and the people that took them went to gentle with the wiring the owner eventually had to close the restaurant because the TV gimmick was what really drew in business real shame I had a client who was arrested for a misdemeanor charge when he was at the jail and going through booking the guards noticed that he was digging in the back of his pants long story short the guards did a strip search and found a huge bag of em way up inside in this guy's but to make it worse there was a video of god´s holding him down while the jail doctor pulled a bag out of his butt needless to say he was charged with possession of methamphetamine what happened he decided to claim it wasn't his and that he didn't possess it yes you read that right this moron actually wanted to argue that he didn't possess that M despite the fact that it was up inside of his but in fact he was so adamant about him not possessing it that he decided to testify against my advice mind you and tell the jury that one he didn't know it was there and two that a quote didn't have nothing up his butt a jury deliberated for under five minutes I counted guilty verdict not me but I was watching a case where this kid was throwing burning dog crap on his neighbor's porch and running away the public defender just looked like he could give two shoots and forced the kid to plead guilty and got four years in a juvenile detention center while working as a law clerk I saw a case where a woman had sued her ex-husband for child support the couple had lived abroad where the husband had an all costs paid high salary executive position and the woman was a stay at home mom the woman cheated on him with the tennis coach they divorced and she moved back to Sweden the husband moved back as well and claimed he was unable to pay child support because he was now unemployed in all his savings like $1 2 million had gone to the apartment he bought a purchase he justified by saying there was no other apartment available another story young guy gets charged with jumping a subway turnstile and assaulting an officer who tried to eject him case goes to trial and the public defender says his client is not guilty in fact the guard was the aggravator and assaulted his client who only acted in self-defense the prosecutor shows the course CCTV footage which clearly shows the guy jumping the turnstile fighting the garden then kicking him in the groin the defender who somehow had missed the existence of the video asks for a short break and then changes his position a lady was abducted by a stranger at gunpoint from a CVS at one am forced to drive two counties over and then are paired the client maintained that the encounter was consensual and that he was just too good-looking to have to force women to hook up with him this is only sort of answering the question that it's my favorite thing that has happened in course so I'm posting it anyway I used to work out of a courthouse in Virginia where a tie was taken very seriously and the wrong attire was seen as a sign of disrespect toward the court a guy showed up for his case wearing really baggy jean shorts and an oversized t-shirt we were in a particularly strict courtroom that day and the judges head deputy told this young man that he had to leave because he was dressed inappropriately for court he didn't cause too much or the fussing stepped out into the hallway his case got called a few minutes later and when the judge asked the attorney why the defendant wasn't standing in front of him the attorney explained that he had been asked to leave the courtroom because of his outfit the judge looked peed and the attorney quickly said your honor to be fair he's in front of you on an indecent exposure charge so he is dressed a lot better than he was at the time of the offense the judge did not find this amusing but the rest of the courtroom totally cracked up you've encountered the lost treasure of Captain Gus fish head subscribed to receive some of his gold if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent 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Views: 352,204

Rating: 4.7605748 out of 5

Keywords: dumbest, dumbest people ever, dumbest criminals, dumbest people, dumb, dumb people, dumb person, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy

Id: likak-qIsis

Length: 78min 38sec (4718 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 24 2020