Master of His Domain: Best of George Costanza

who are you George Costanza I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met you know just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual it doesn't help I'm only paying yes you can't do that why not he's a doctor you got to pay what he says no no no I pay what I say you had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad didn't you uh you know if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything but you had to have that big she invites me up at 12 o'clock at night for coffee and I don't go no thank you I don't want coffee it keeps me out too late for me to drink coffee I said this to people this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live nice to meet you well I wish I could say the same but I must say with all due respect I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization in the past 20 years you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock all for the glorification of your massive ego hire this man I'm gonna walk back in that's the toughest move in the business you're sending me out into no-man's land and if I get shut down I have to crawl all the way back well I can't do it I can't do what I tell you I proclaim this the summer of George I don't think I could do it no they always remember the first time I don't want to be remembered I want to be forgotten Jerry I've been preparing for this moment my entire life you know George the ocean called they're running out of shrimp oh yeah well the jerk star called they're running out of you know Mike when a woman says make love to me it's intimidating the last time a woman said that to me I wound up apologizing to her read that book I can't read it on you my glasses you don't need glasses you're just weak you wig all right George it's time for the Festivus feats of Spanky don't come i just ii just said let me be she pulled he yelled Cartwright I missed it who's caught right I'm caught right you know if I wasn't in these shackles but you're a [ __ ] the shackles I can't wait to read my time magazine maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park supposed to be a beautiful day have a nice life 7/7 these pretzels are making me thirsty but I'm disturbed I'm depressed I'm inadequate I don't know is it flowing I like flowing cascading hair thick lustrous hair is very important to me George is getting upset it's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office is that correct was that wrong you're not gonna do it what am I you're not gonna do it okay I'm not an orgy guy are you crazy this is like discovering plutonium by accident it's not a lie if you believe it you know George that's an onion okay yes it is fancy Oh take out there you're not out there I am - you're not out there you can't be because I am out there and if I see you out there there's not enough voltage in this world to electric shock me back and took a heron from now on when you take a chip just take one dip and end it well I'm sorry Timmy but I don't dip that way oh you don't huh no you dip the way you want a dip I'll dip the way I wanna do give me the chip yeah is it right now I have relationship George but there is also independent George that's the George you know the George you grew up with movie George coffee-shop George lier George horny George I love that do it me too and he's dying Jerry if relationship George walks through this door he will kill independent you're a George divided against itself cannot stand don't shout drugs and stuff to the Saints we're trying to watch the movie and if I have to tell you again we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like you understand me now shut your mouths are all shut in for you and if you think I'm kidding just try me try me because I would be hot shower let me go 6:30 time for you bathroom George I'm hungry hang on all right I'll tell you the truth I'm not gay my name is buck naked I'm a point away I feel like my old self again totally inadequate completely insecure paranoid neurotic it's a pleasure yeah I'm really sorry I was at the pool I was in a ball I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden so please a little respect for I am Costanza Lord of the idiots I'm an architect you're an architect I'm not my mother caught me caught you doing what you know I was alone we're not gay nothing there's anything wrong with that no of course not I mean it's fine if that's who you are absolutely I mean I have many gay friends my father's gay heard it was a job right look you want to have sex right now do you want to have sex with she says that's very dirty that's absolutely filthy then she starts talking about her panties I'm gonna need some water hand it's all up you get it what happened I told it in the kitchen which was risky cuz it's near all the knives I started with the word listen I said huh listen Marlene and the next thing I know I'm in the middle of it and there's this voice inside of me going you're doing it you're doing it and then she started to cry and I weakened a little bit I almost relented but the voice Jerry the voice said keep going keep going you're almost out it's it's like I was making a prison break you know and I'm I'm heading for the wall and I trip and I twist my ankle and they throw that light on you you know so somehow I get through the crying and I keep running then the cursing started he's firing at me from the guard towers son of a bang I get to the top of the wall the front door I open it up on one foot away I take one last look around the penitentiary and I jumped you asked me here to have lunch tell me you slept with a lane and then say you're not in the mood for details now you listen to me I want details and I want them right now I don't have a job I have no place to go you're not in the mood while you'll get in the mood what delay industries you're way way way off well yeah yeah that's the right number but this is an apartment yeah Oh my name is George I'm unemployed and I live with my parents I'm going to the bathroom come on let's go what about Elaine hell with a life she'll be furious we're dyin here that's her she's here I'm sorry I'm so sorry where is dad he's in the bedroom you're giving me the it's not you it's me routine I invented it's not you it's me nobody tells me it's them not me if it's anybody it's me Oh George it's you you're damn right it's me believe it or not George is it at home please leave a message at the beep I must be out or I pick up the phone the sea was angry that day my friends like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli I got about 50 feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me I tell you he was 10 stories high if he was afoot as if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow I said easy big fella and then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing its breathing from where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish now whatever I learned what did you do next then from out of nowhere a huge tidal wave lifted me tossed me like a cook and I found myself right on top of him face to face with the blowhole I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand then tilt around and pulled out the obstruction

Channel: License to Review

Views: 2,915,102

Keywords: seinfeld, George, costanza, Jerry, The Contest (TV Episode), elaine, kramer, best, favorite, moments, scenes, marine, biologist, vandelay, television, tv, show

Id: BGkq3MeHrcY

Length: 12min 58sec (778 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 08 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/Bonghunter]

Is that a Titleist?