Marriage Ruins Everything. Jim Colliton - Full Special

how are you going to feel my heartbeat if i roll over i could care less just roll over nice to be here i'm a married man do we have some married people here good good for you i've been married uh 23 years and it's still good it's just very very different now like when i first got married my wife say things like this man i love when you lie right next to me and we're sleeping i can feel your heart beat that was 22 and a half years ago the other night she turned she goes can you roll over you're breathing right on top of me it's disgusting it's hot it's going on my neck and it feels gross who sleeps with their mouth that wide open it's gross shut your mouth while you're sleeping use your nose we've talked about this haven't we use your nose how are you gonna feel my heartbeat if i roll over i could care less just roll over i could pass away in the night you wouldn't even know about it i'll live with myself roll over actually go brush your teeth then roll over and put some socks on too i don't want your feet touching me anymore either they're gross your nails are cutting me it's disgusting brush your teeth cut your nails you know what you can stay downstairs too i don't even need you back up here let's both get a good night's sleep tonight so it's just it's just a little different that's all i uh my wife doesn't even get mad though after 23 years she would rather have these little sings she likes to use a new favorite saying did you mean to do that did you mean to put the clothes in the dryer and then not turn it on yes i did i'll have to let the clothes sit in there for a couple days get them good and moldy then the kids can wear them to school no one's gonna want to hang out with them with moldy clothes and they won't bring other kids back to a house and eat all their food so yes i did mean to do that arriving in the car last valentine's day had the radio on and people were calling in and they were saying the special things that their spouses do to keep their marriage going one lady from down south called and goes well some nights and cold nights my husband will put my pajamas in the dryer and then warm them up for me i threw up in my mouth i couldn't even comprehend that in my married man's brain my wife's ever wandering off fam on a cold night can you warm my pajamas up what did you say to me can you warm my pajamas up in the microwave [Music] yeah i can do it i don't think it's healthy got uh i got three beautiful children at home here's what i've learned from having three kids we've got some younger couples maybe here tonight i want you to remember this if you're thinking of having children you're gonna need to get yourself a paper shredder because children produce a mass amount of artwork and not all of it is refrigerator worthy and it crushes their little heart if they see their artwork in the trash can that's why you need to shred it at night when they go to bed and get yourself an industrial shredder because some of this stuff has macaroni glue to it my kids are older now it goes by i miss them when they were younger i think my favorite age was two you ever hang out with someone who was two you were hanging out with the most honest person you will ever meet in your life because at two year old they haven't even learned how to lie yet you can ask a two-year-old any question they will tell you the truth did you hit your sister with that block yes i did daddy yes i did i hit her right in the head she was watching tv didn't even see me coming bang three's a fun age too if you hung out with people who were three they tend to ask a whole lot of questions one of my daughter's favorite question was just what you doing daddy hey what are you doing daddy i'm just making us some breakfast here honey hey what are you doing daddy i'm still still making the breakfast here honey hey what are you doing daddy now i'm mixing a drink how about a little tangerine with that sippy cup yeah play hide and seek with a three-year-old they tell you where they're gonna go hide daddy go hide in the kitchen okay i'll come find you at halftime long as we're all being honest with each other i had my uh two girls first then i have my boy my boy's great he just seems a little harder to raise after the girls it was probably the potty training it was like three three and a half we got him out of the diapers we're at the beach the whole family we're having a good time he comes up and goes daddy i gotta go pee i go you know we can do joe we can on the ocean we can pee in the ocean we compete in the ocean yeah it's kind of an unwritten law but let's go so i walk them down i get those knees i said okay buddy just go pee right here he proceeds to pull down his bathing suit spin around just start peeing hi mommy yeah appeared with my daddy i mean i was peeing at the time too i'm like what are you doing i didn't really grasp the whole concept 45 minutes later now we're up at the blanket we're doing sand castles he comes over and goes daddy go go poo this day will never end more of course you need to bring them up to the porta potties they're up there in the parking lot i did what any good parent would do turned to my oldest child and said i will give you 5 000 if you bring your brother for the porta potties my oldest nose with all the kind of cash at the beach so there we are up at the porta potties now a three-year-old boy cannot really grasp disgustingness of a port-a-potty he was in absolutely no hurry to leave the port-a-potty i got to go in there with him and hold his hands got a little and he wanted to fall in he's just looking around it is smelly in here daddy huh this place is really really smelly a lot of flies in here too we should take a fly home for a pet we're gonna catch something don't you worry about it all right listen dad is about ready to pass out so you need to focus it up here young man can i get you a cup of coffee or a sports page or something longest 20 minutes of my life finally he finishes up i pull him down he looks around goes hey daddy no place to wash my hands in here i go you know we'll do joe we'll go down the ocean wash our hands in the ocean he goes the ocean i just peed the ocean we have a dog my dog is uh beautiful too she's probably the favorite person in my house it's a female dog and my wife is jealous of all the attention i give the dogs especially been traveling on the road she goes the first thing you do when you come in the house of being on the road is you go right to the dog i'm like well if you shake your rear end like that when i walk in the house i will scratch your belly first huh it's a good wifey i love people and their pets i love how crazy it's getting we have a young couple they live across the street from us uh no children they have two cats they're going to europe this summer for like a month ask me and my son to go feed their cats so we're over there they're explaining everything to us they go you have to give the brown cat a pill every morning i said oh does it have worms or something i said oh no no a brown cat is depressed i said you're kidding me really i said no no it's very serious is it cat's depressed i said how did you know your cat was depressed so was walking around and licking himself a lot i said you know who's not depressed you're veterinarian they're printing money when they see you people walking i shouldn't make jokes because kids have a turtle at home that has adhd we cannot seem to get his medications free it's hard raising kids no one tells you how hard it is to do it yourself i told him last week my second little girl helping her do her math homework math word problems she's having a hard time she put a pencil down she was dad do i really need to know this stuff said yes you do honey this is the stuff you need to know as an adult then i kind of felt like a liar as i was walking away [Music] when's the last time anyone's ever called you hey can you pick me up at the train station yeah what time do you get in well i leave on a train out of new york city at 3 p.m and that train will be traveling at 60 miles an hour the train also has two stops 10-minute stop in hartford connecticut a 15-minute stop in providence rhode island you tell me what time arrive in boston [Applause] [Music] make sure you show your work before you come pick me up son forgot his lunch last week i have to bring it down to school 8 15 in the morning i'm not much of a morning person i go walking in the school i said i have a joe collins lunch lady behind the counter goes okay what is his teacher's name i have three kids they seem to rotate a new teacher every year i'm gonna go out on a limb and say i have no idea who his teacher is i was kind of hoping someone here would have that information for me listen i'm not gonna lie to you i don't even care if the kid gets to lunch okay you can eat the lunch she can eat the lodge someone can eat the lunch all i know is i can't bring this brown bag back to the angry woman who sent me down here at 8 50 in the morning listen between me and you i don't even know if i'm at the right school right now saw some kids i saw some buses i took a chance i came in please just take the lunch from me will you my kids seem smart they get good grades in school but i worry about their common sense this is a perfect example i'm working a cruise last summer i was flying out on a saturday coming home the next saturday we're all having breakfast saturday morning so listen i'm flying out today i'll be gone for seven days make sure you help your mum around the house good luck on your sporting events i'll see you next saturday wednesday my son calls my cell phone hey dad you pick me up over andrews [Laughter] i said no i'm in the middle of the ocean right now can you get me later so let me ask you a question it's wednesday you haven't noticed i've been gone since saturday is mom with you i'll tell you what i will pick you up later on how's that goes by fast my oldest child is in college we spent all last year looking at schools one of the schools my daughter wanted to attend was providence college right now providence college is 64 000 a year one year of school 64 000 and i said to her what do you want to study if you go to school there and she said i don't really know 64 grand guess i'll figure it out when i get there we took a tour of the school little girl gave us a tour that goes to school issues the greatest thing if you come to school here and live in the dorms all the laundry is free 64 grand you can wash your jeans and your socks for free i said to my wife if she goes to school there i'm driving down there every saturday [Music] and i'm washing the whole family's laundry i'll collect laundry from the neighborhood and start a small business [Music] just to get my 64 grand back my daughter decided to attend american university in washington dc which is only 62 000 so we're very happy with that savings we dropped her off on september 1st very hard dropping your first child off at college then i get a call on october 1st from american university they said is this mr carlton i said yes it is we'll call american university want to know if we can count on you for a donation this year i said has my daughter used up her 62 000 worth of knowledge in the first four weeks i said all this has nothing to do with tuition this is a donation we were hoping to get from you so while you people have some giant balls don't you i said right now we have duct tape holding our washing machine together so we're probably going to hold off on the donation if that's okay they go is there a better time to call you back how about when hell freezes over how's that sound let's just circle that on your calendar just had a birthday light they're not fun you don't get excited you know what saying i hate two people oh 40. it's a new 30. no it's not when you're 30 you get up oh why does my knee hurt oh yeah i had a softball game last night and i slid into third when you're 40 you get up and go why does my knee hurt oh yeah i slept on it wrong the sheets were tucked in too tight i go to a physical every year around my birthday it's a waste of time my physical it's just questions my doctor asked me all these questions first one he always starts with uh mr carlton do you drink alcohol i'm like yeah yeah i do well how many drinks would you say you consume in a week oh my god i can't give him the real number here i gotta cut that in half divide by two throw a pie number in there somewhere i'm like 14 14 12 12 8 8 6 4 two two a little wine at church a little wine at church [Laughter] who's married anyone married here sir you're married man yeah how long you been married 20 years 20 years that's great what do you think the hardest thing 20 years of marriage has been i totally want to get her birthday you don't know what to get it for her birthday okay well yeah that's a hard thing you could give him an idea it's been 20 years maybe write something down you got those sticky notes just leave them a note that is hard gifts are i think the hardest thing on me and my wife's relationship driving in the car together if i can offer any advice to new couples take two cars wherever you go [Music] because when you have two people in the car you have the driver of the car and then you have the person that wishes they were the driver of the car usually the person that wishes they were the driver of the car likes to treat the driver like they're a complete they like to tell them things like honey this light's red up here you know you're gonna have to stop hell thank you honey you know when you're not in the car with me i usually fly right through these our exit isn't three miles we should really be in the right hand lane now two miles not sure what we're still doing in the passing lane one mile we're not gonna make the exit i'll tell you that right now we're not gonna make the exit we got a gps you know the dash of the car you plug in where you're going little voice comes on it goes half a mile take a left onto main street that's a month goes in a half a mile we need to take a left on the main street i couldn't do this without you you know that you complete me [Laughter] [Music] even songs i hear on the road you ever hear this aerosmith song in the song stephen tyler sings i would lay awake just to hear you breathing now first of all who wants that in a relationship no no honey you go to sleep i'm gonna stay up for a while watch you breathe imagine waking up in the middle of the night your husband's just standing over you how you doing just been watching you breathe the last couple hours you seem a little congested tonight want me to get you the vicks vapor rub i'm in bed the other night my wife's in the bathroom she's got the door shut she's putting cream on taking cream off whatever the hell she does for that 45 minutes before she comes to bed and honestly some nights i think she's just waiting me out in there i will file my nails all nice i've been no rush to get out there that second glass of red wine should be hitting him right about now the men are laughing but they don't even get the joke do they ladies i still have guys come up to me after the show and go i had no idea that was going on my wife would start vacuuming at 11 30 at night i could never figure out why working at a comedy club in aruba last winter the guy that runs the comedy club called me and said hey we'll fly your wife down if you'd like i said oh that'd be great let me see if we can find someone to watch the kids and we're able to find a babysitter we show up at the airport and goes hey i just looked at our tickets our seats aren't together on the airplane i said oh let me see if i can handle this i walk up to the counter i put the tickets down i saw the girl behind the counter i just want you to know you're doing a great job and i may seem angry when i walk away but believe me i do not want you to touch these tickets [Music] i'd like to stay in 3a i'd like her to stay in 22 bait [Music] just want to fly down and listen to music that's all it is hard though you have been in first class and your wife has to go back to coach like pull the curtain pull the carton you food shop for the family sir 20 years of marriage do you i don't do it anymore and you know why dad never buys the right thing everything dad buys is the wrong thing so i quit i'm done last time i went food shopping about paper towels why because it was on the list and i drag in 36 rolls of paper towels and wife goes are those the paper towels you bought i said this blocking dummy of paper towels i'm dragging in the house i would never purchase this paper towels i brought these home to show you what other men would bring home to their families well of course you've lived in this house 20 years you don't know what kind of paper towels we use i said i'll do you one better i don't even know where we keep the paper towels if they're not right by the sink i use my t-shirt i carried a bagel around yesterday morning and wore the t-shirt all day you still have your spark in your relationship after 27 years you hope so yeah you got that look in your eye like hopefully [Music] i got that a younger comedian thinking of getting married we're in the green room he's asking me all these questions because be honest now do you guys still have a spark in your relationship i start laughing i go we have three kids and a dog running around the house we're pretty sure someone's peed on the spark well not lighting much believe me you know what i really should take that back every now and then winter time my wife for her flannel pajamas to bed and then i will see some sparks [Music] do you see someone coming in the room looking like an ll beating catalog may not be your night my friend my wife just went home bought herself new slippers they actually cover her ankles good call honey i see some bare ankles come in the room i'm thinking it's go time and you you've got everything covered up nicely right there i like the hooded sweatshirt too no miscommunication whatsoever you got a whole cocoon and no love going there okay ask you one more question since you've done pretty well your wife ever sent you back in a party you've just left to get her tupperware container today that happened tonight where did you go this afternoon that you were having a tupperware container she just kicked you she doesn't want you to talk don't talk to him anymore that's done we left in the car someone could break in here take the i don't know if the women's connection with tupperware is crazy we're at a party and we say goodbye to everyone this hugs just as we get back to cars like we need to run back in go grab our tupperware container like we left a child behind enemy lines somewhere i'm like we'll come back tomorrow i'll get it later we're not waiting for tomorrow we need to get it now got a yeti cooler here in salt lake city you got a yeti cool you know what i'm talking about yeti coolers yeah i don't have one you know why yeti coolers like this size 300 coleman cooler the same size thirty dollars i'm over buddy's house for a cookout this summer goes hey man you gotta get one of these yeti coolers keeps the ice cold for three days i said we're on your deck right now we are 15 feet away from your for refrigerator dollars you could have bought an extension cord and brought your whole refrigerator right out here [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we could be making ice right now he goes no no no you need this if you go on a boat overnight you need to keep the ice cold overnight i said you you don't own a boat you have a kayak that's the only boat you have where are you kayaking overnight you need to keep the ice cold if i'm going to spend 300 on a cooler i want to put two beers in that at night come down the next morning open the lid and have 32 beers in it it's growing beers that's why they're so expensive honey it's like a petri dish of coolers ask you one more question before i go sir you got some children 20 years of marriage two what was your name clay what'd you get last father's day for a gift you want me to tell you you got crap didn't you like it that's my whole point dads get crap and no one cares about it you know what i got three children a wife i got a nose hair trimmer my whole family's like we love you we just think you're disgusting and when i took it out of the package my oldest shells are you can use it on your ears too dad ah thank you i'm sorry anyone has to look at me as i walk around this house i don't surprise my wife anymore mother's day rolls around i go just give me something me and the kids can buy it she goes you know what get me a new tennis skirt and i said okay she was hey make sure you get the kind it's got a pocket on the side holds all the tennis balls for you said all right i guess we can do that i grabbed my son so let's go you're gonna come with me we're getting mama mother's day present we go to this big sporting goods store the minute we get there he runs off he's looking at baseball bats now i'm by myself just thumbing through women's tennis skirts little girl who works her store comes over and she goes can i help you with something sir i said yeah i need to get a new tennis skirt you got the kind that hold the balls i probably could have worded that differently she didn't even answer me on the house phone and dialed in 86 which is the code for there is a predator in the store and as security is walking me out of the store i have to like came with the little boy find that little boy i came with hey you guys been a great crowd thanks a lot for coming you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 918,849

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jim Colliton, Jim Colliton Dry Bar Comedy, Jim Colliton Comedy, Jim Colliton Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Marriage, MGTOW, married man, Marriage ruins everything, dbc, stand up, lunch, school

Id: 9MWzSZgAYFA

Length: 24min 10sec (1450 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 19 2021