Eddie Pepitone - Losing Your Virginity to Your Professor - This Is Not Happening

she says well one I should come over to my apartment in Greenwich Village and we'll go over Das Kapital and I was like welcome that this is not happening I'm your host Roy Wood jr. think about your best friend your spouse your partner it's been enough time with anybody they are going to annoy you never truly get you which is why I came up with [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] my story is the story of that the flowering of me my fur yes the deflowering of me and people are already rubbing their heads going on [ __ ] and no but it happened in 1977 I was about 19 years old and it was with my college professor history teacher so you know it was hot it was really hot and [ __ ] up hot and [ __ ] up and that that basically describes the young me now it's just [ __ ] up and not hot but if you could picture it it was 1977 Jimmy Carter was president Son of Sam was running around is in New York it's in New York the only place really that matters so anyways in the United States anyway sorry I had just had a nervous breakdown in a college in another College Fordham University and so then I went to the College of Staten Island and I went to this history class and the woman teaching it was extremely attractive but the thing that really attracted me to her most was her politics like she was teaching a class in revolutions and capitalism the book we were using was Das Kapital by Frederick angles and Karl Marx and I was super into that she would just talk about revolutions that went on throughout Europe you know like you should have seen her talk about the storming of the Bastille it was and I was just I was so hot and and I think the moment I think the moment I fell in love with her was when she was talking about I don't know if any of you remember this probably not but if you're students of history probably not that's just the way people are these days but it was she was talking about the the uprising in the Polish shipyards and it was led by a guy named black well lesser and it was something about the way she was saying the name lack Walesa and just like these workers these workers rising up the workers rising up and the reason I loved it so much is that my dad was a union leader and my dad he was a union leader for the teachers he he was a union leader with Albert Shanker and he gave me a book when I was a young kid called the rich and the super-rich and it was all about how the rich are [ __ ] us and I was so into that I don't know about you but I love to [ __ ] figure out like the society we live in and now the rich really are like they were [ __ ] us back then but now it's just they've drugged us they have us in a trunk they're [ __ ] us they're making us dig our own graves but I was on top of that [ __ ] I was on time in rallying about that [ __ ] everybody's late to the party everybody everybody now that Trump is presidents like what's going on it's been going on forever forever I mean they storm the bed they [ __ ] killed the Mar docks in France they [ __ ] they've been there's been revolutions all over and there will be one here eventually but that's not the story so I was so into her because she was like I read the rich in the super-rich and my dad gave it to me and he was like they're [ __ ] you ed and I thought he was trying to deflect the bad parenting from him and my mother like no I think you're [ __ ] perspire my family was the Cirque de Soleil of this functionality was un-fuckin'-believable just [ __ ] on the trapeze of [ __ ] you know neuroses it was it was so [ __ ] up and since I could hardly relate to mine what's the matter you [ __ ] six I could hardly look since even though it's being taped for TV I hop I'm just a comic and when I see oh my god I'm sorry I'm sorry have whatever reaction you want just know it's gonna be met with extreme hostility but I do mean how would I I overreacted see that you see I'm glad you saw that because you saw that because that is how I've been conditioned my father my father was always like oh [ __ ] and this was the Tony used and I'd be like father I'm in the family the way I jumped on you so anyway so anyway I was in her class and this woman by the way she spoke four [ __ ] languages I'm from Brooklyn we lived in Staten Island basically I knew how to grunt you know what I mean like I was into the rich and the super-rich like finding out how they [ __ ] us but I was like what the [ __ ] this woman I would be in the back she spoke four languages he spoke serbo-croatian French German and English right and and I was like what the [ __ ] she's beautiful she speaks four languages bad no idea she was into me I was making eyes at her but when she went on about lek Willis and the Polish shipyard uprising I was like unfucked and believed and so I would ask her questions after class just to [ __ ] look at her it'd be like I don't understand feudalism and what's this about the workers are making surplus capital for the for the men who own the means of production and they're using that surplus capital to further enslave them what does it mean and she goes to me she goes to me out of the blue she says well why don't you come over to my apartment in Greenwich Village and we'll go over Das Kapital and I was like [Music] now you also have to picture me you also have to picture me and this may be hard I wasn't life hadn't beaten the [ __ ] out of me yet like I had a full head of hair I was a bike messenger when I in Manhattan and so I looked way better than Kevin Bacon did and Quicksilver I was like I was just like [ __ ] tight you know now it's a different story now that was this was pre prozac it was free a lot of things I was just like but I was animalistic and I still when she said to me come over to my apartment in Greenwich Village I was still like I didn't know she wanted to [ __ ] me I was like this is very nice of her this is very nice supportive and so but I was still so kind of intimidated by her but really really into her and I'll never forget I was waiting for her on one of these beautiful you know Greenwich Village beautiful little European streets tree-lined beautiful brownstones nothing like in LA and I would I would no character out here it's like Los Feliz go [ __ ] yourself so so I remember waiting for her in front of her apartment I got there early which was typical of the relationship that ensued like I was always like the guy who was like where are you I was in front of her I was in front of her door and she came down the street and she had a [ __ ] I'm like the beret I can't I come from Staten Island where people only communicate by hitting each other with bats that's how they say I love you just like BAM she had a beret on and that's it's hopital of sticking out of the grocery bag and I kid you not I'm like baguettes but gets and you know she comes and she goes hi and I'm like and we go up into her apartment I'm like I'm like just thinking we're gonna read Das Kapital she's like you know would you like you know some French dish she had made and I was like okay and and then we lay down on her carpet and we're reading the US Capitol she's pointing out different paintings to me like oh this is Paul clay a German expressionist painter I'm like holy [ __ ] what did I walk into there's nothing like this on Staten Island and then and then she we're reading Das Kapital and then she turns to me after about I don't know half hour of it who's the [ __ ] I wasn't even I couldn't I couldn't do our bodies with her she goes to me do you want to smoke a joint and I still am like well this must be another teaching technique you know and I was a big pot head back then so I was like yeah okay so we smoked we smoked a joint and I don't know if you guys know but like after I got high it all hit me I was like in my head I'm like she wants to [ __ ] me like you know when you get high and you just writ like all the [ __ ] you were pushing away like it can't be this it can't be this it just was I was like talk I was like and then I just I just froze I was just like and um so we got high and then she just started kissing me and that was the end of that and then we made animalistic love as I already told you I look like way better than bacon and Quicksilver just there was blood flying all over the place you know I was Stanley Kowalski with a little bit of knowledge of how the workers were getting screwed and so then we started this ill-fated like just it was so ill-fated it should have been a one-night stand but it wound up going on and off for six years because I know that is so funny and it was just like that tooth I was the little femme fatale bimbo who had nothing to talk about and she was super [ __ ] busy she had a kid from another marriage this beautiful little girl and I was always like who are you looking at what are you doing what do you what do you mean you have to go to a conference at the new school I want to get high with you and [ __ ] what do you mean what do you mean you're going to Paris for a conference on the Nobel laureates god damn it touch my penis I have nothing to live for but you I was so into her and she would take me to these parties where people are speaking different languages and they're talking about just all kinds of historical things and I just felt like I was in a museum like watching these people and after they would talk there we go Eddie what are you doing I go I could put bread and water see the bread get bigger and then and it was it was like it was it was horrible on campus too because I was on camp by the way I did get an a that year in that course totally aced it but you know it there was one day where I like came up to her and I grabbed her hand on campus and she was like don't hold hands with me on campus and I was [ __ ] crushed and I couldn't take it anymore I couldn't take it anymore I I I just walked into her class one time I had already you know finished with her class I walked into her class I just you know it was just like she just wasn't into me the way I was into it was it shouldn't have been you know she was like 40 I was like 20 you know I had nothing to talk about night just I was just like it so I walked into her class while she was teaching and I was like it's over it's over it's while she was teaching students like what [ __ ] and then I just left college I walked right out of college because of that [ __ ] I never got a degree thanks everybody Eddie Pepitone

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 838,849

Keywords: Eddie Pepitone, This Is Not Happening, Eddie Pepitone comedian, Eddie Pepitone stand up, Eddie Pepitone in ruins, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, soul mates, soulmates, storytelling, deflowering, virginity, virgin, sex, college, professor, politics, Das Kapital, union, father, family, rich, capitalism, communism, New York City, weed, drugs, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: ZfjF0NtyIrE

Length: 15min 9sec (909 seconds)

Published: Wed May 29 2019