The Weird Stuff You Do When You Live Alone - Kyle Kinane

I'm 35 now I'm 35 I just got my own place toka while some people my age are astronauts I'm just excited that I get to pee with the door open which is what I did at my old place just made my roommate sad Thank You 35 I think you can close the door I'm like you're 40 and living with a guy that pees with the door open maybe you need to get your life together judge not lest how the rest of that goes I just like yeah you get reminded of like your own immaturity like I was using one of those accelerator hand dryers like the super high powered ones and it realized if I put my hands just right I can make a totally wicked fart sound and rise I perfected the farts I remember like oh yeah one of my best friends from high school is a surgeon but then I was just like that's too bad he's got no time to make wicked fart sounds and right he's got a scrub up and get right to the operating room rough life for him rough life he's missing out I don't know if I got my own place because like I'm 30 like that's right like it was the pressures of like societal pressure that's what you do you 35 you're a grown man you live by yourself and you're an independent man you live by yourself you start drinking scotch instead of crappy beer and you switch back to briefs that's what you do cuz you're growing man and that's what grown men do or if I got my own place cuz I realized I'm about to get the type of weird that I can't even have people witness on accidentally things are about to get strange and I'm gonna need some solitude and I think it's much more that it's not so much like I'm gonna pay my bills on time and read more books it's much more like Twizzlers look like they fit in buttholes and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory when dr. Kyle is conducting his experiments just corkscrew-shaped lick them and stick em fellas find out about your bodies it's 2012 it's not gay it's about loving yourself it's okay a lot of people think Henry David Thoreau went into the woods civil disobedience self-reliance nope Twizzlers and buttholes tea and the bee that's what he needed read Walden real close T and to be that is stupid oh man hey you guys ever get so lonely and sleep on your own couch it's doing your own begged at least that way it feels like you're laying next to somebody looks like I'm a little spoon again tonight maybe throw an ex-girlfriends old t-shirt on a pillow not for humping just for cuddling nobody's weird here loneliness is a subjective term you know it's different for everybody man you're castaway on an island there's nobody around that's lonely you know but it could also mean you like the simple courage to be able to say hello to somebody sitting next to you on a bus that's lonely too no for me I can define loneliness I can just hone it in as the very moment that I realized that I had forgotten I was masturbating at a motel in Green Bay Wisconsin that's it that's the point that's where I remember because that's what happens I'm a comedian my dream came true a lot of my dream is just me in a hotel room treating myself like an animal just says it's not even sexual anymore just like an aggressive shooing away of a nuisance at this point so I gotta get out of here it's like I'm taking a broom to get raccoons off the porch like come on come on yes yeah yeah like I understand now a dog and hump something but still look right at you like I understand it you see a dog like what this feels good and you're my buddy what's why the other one making it weird what what it was they just like in the shower and there's a boners like that roll up your sleeves no it's like shoveling snow at this point you know what we do something you got to do is dead-eyed staring at a wall I realized that on the Shelf there I bought the little size of shampoos I bought dandruff shampoo an accident and I saw that and I was like I don't have dandruff and I remember that's like the old head and shoulders jingle because I was like I don't have dandruff and then out loud I just went exactly and I got a little chuckle a little chuckle to myself oh that's my good if you're making jokes like this and you're in a shout you're right to go out there and pursue your dreams Kyle you're on the right path you're doing this stuff in the shower you're cutting yourself up you're doing the right thing with your life anyway what else what were we doing [Music] oh man that's good I got my own place because like instead of going to the gym like I could just stay home and cry now so that's pretty awesome macho guys crying yet you're doing any of that stuff tough guys having a good cry Waylon Jennings you're getting one I love a good old cry it's good for you do what you got to do allow that it's not good to keep that stuff but do what you do pull the drapes put on DVD How to Train Your Dragon let it out let it out it's not good to keep all those emotions bottled up inside of you now it's not great to uncork them all at the grocery store at 11:30 at night but once you've allowed yourself these triggers you don't know when that magical Linda Ronstadt song is gonna play and yours in the frozen food section like we're doing this here we're doing this here okay Stouffer's frozen dinner for two looks like I'm gonna have leftovers on that one yeah she is gone all right never see a TV dinner just abandoned in the beer aisle yeah that's me I did that that's my street art take that Banksy I turn him to mess up anybody's wall or nothing just left some sales berry steaks on top of some Coors light's I think you get the message you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 535,868

Keywords: Kyle Kinane, Whiskey Icarus, Kyle Kinane comedian, Kyle Kinane stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, living alone, peeing, roommate, fart, Twizzler, loneliness, masturbating, crying, grocery store, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: uBKBi5C6oMI

Length: 6min 57sec (417 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 23 2020