Kyle Kinane Has the Most Money He’s Ever Had

[Applause] oh hello snowflakes and fingerprints we're all special let's get it out of the way your parents were right you're all unique and different people anyway um i am getting a little uh sick and tired of uh television networks think they can just repackage the same show with a different name and like you'll just watch it like some sort of dummy like they'll sit there like oh you're like uh you like wife swap where's uh trading spouses you're stupid watch it that sounds that's the attitude they have you're dumb it's the same thing you watch it you'll watch it like i took my favorite show my favorite show is i shouldn't be alive that's my favorite show and uh e-television got a hold of it and they just call it keeping up with the kardashians and they think i'm not gonna notice oh that's a funny joke and it's a sad truth um uh i have more money than i've ever had in my entire life right now before you get excited it's not a lot of money i can i can confidently put a down payment unlike an 09 camry right now cloth seats i mean as far as the payments who knows i don't know that thing's going to get repossessed by december probably but for a good couple seasons i can roll big uh i just i have the amount of money any 34 year old should have if they applied themselves at their job as an assistant manager at foot locker for the past 14 years but i got it from comedy so i got i got it from doing something i like so i don't have the responsibility that comes along with that money like i see that money and i just like i see my bank statement i'm like oh well you know what you need kyle you need a brand new electric guitar that's what you need no what i need is to go to the dentist because i can't breathe in cold air without wincing like i tried taking a light socket that's what i need i i need to be able to eat a piece of candy without having to move it back and forth in my mouth like a game of labyrinth so it doesn't hit the magic tooth that makes me forget my middle name for two hours that's what i need so so why don't you get off the bc rich website because you're trying to find the guitar cece deville played and talked dirty to me why don't you go over to 1-800 dentist and get your face fixed like i still have 10 i still have like poor people i use junk mail to cover food in the microwave i think that's okay that's i think it's resourceful people are trying to tell me like you can't do that why not i got target coupons i'm not going to use i got some chili i want to have problem solved well you can't heat up ink that's not you're not a scientist don't tell me you can't heat up ink it's a dumb thing but i have to do things to get that but there's still sacrifices being made even although i get to do what i love they're still sacrificial like i have to go and sometimes i have to go to places like winnipeg canada for two weeks at a time yeah boy cheering not at all um winnipeg canada's greatest tourism selling point is that they are the geographic center of north america that's it stop on by we're in the middle of everything else we're of equal distance away from anything else you'd rather be doing when you're in winnipeg canada the hottest not the sexiest night i had in winnipeg i'll tell you it was a monday and i got stoned on marijuana even yeah i got stoned then i ordered a pizza then i forgot i ordered the pizza then i got emotionally involved with a tv show on country music television canada called pick a puppy which if you cannot deduce from the title of this program the premise is that they will take a person or persons and then they will present them with a selection of puppies as if every other problem in the world has been solved this is what drama is in canada so by minute nine of the show i'm standing on the couch just yelling get the golden retriever it's a loyal creature it's going to love you forever dalmatian get off my tv you dumb at which point the doorbell rings and i immediately think it's the police because nobody in the history of winnipeg has ever expressed that sort of emotion past the hour of 8 30 p.m i open the door i i'm too high to make eye contact i'm presented with what i think is a giant they're probably only three inches taller than me i can't tell if it's a pizza man or pizza woman i just look at the pizza they're like how's your night i'm like oh well we're trying to pick out puppies which you can't say out of context that sounds real strange it gives me the total i i get the money out of my pocket i forget i have canadian money i look at it i remember it's all light blue and pink with a queen on it and i just laugh and i say you have lady money i i then proceed to take the lady money and what i thought was a kind gesture offer it up to the giant or giant test so i'm taking money i'm laughing at and dangling it over the head of a person who has to deliver me a pizza like the biggest in the geographic center of north america that's me kyle canadian thanks everybody have a good night you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 314,146

Keywords: Kyle Kinane, John Oliver’s New York Stand-up Show, New York, Kyle Kinane comedian, Kyle Kinane stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian

Id: gwMhu_xA4pg

Length: 6min 16sec (376 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 28 2021