- Gentlemen, it has been a, a pleasure and an honor to meet you
and your, your people. The US government supports
you in every possible way, (fly buzzing)
(hand slapping) ideologically, of course. However, we cannot offer any
military aid at this time. - With all due respect,
ambassador, we need more than that. We are dealing with
terrorism on a daily basis. - Oh, that's unfortunate. - Warlords overrun villages. - Yes, that's regrettable. - Rapes, tortures, all
manner of human atrocities. - That's really sad, but the US military is
simply spread too thin. We can't afford another
intervention at this time. - But what we could use
your help with, really, is protecting our vulnerable, plentiful, and newly discovered, oil reserves.
- Oil? Excuse me one second.
(radio beeps) Operation Golden Eagle is a go. (helicopters whirring) (crowd gasps) (military drumming rises)
(propellers churning) Welcome to democracy. - Uh, we also have natural gasses! - Oh, yes, a lot, lots of it. (beatboxing theme music) - You sold me out, son. Now you going to end up with
a bullet in your head for it. (dramatic music starts) - You can't play me mother (beep). (dramatic music rises) I'm the mother (beep)
that plays mother (beep), mother (beep). (dramatic music rises and stops) - [Tom] Cut. (bell buzzes) (director clearing throat) - [Crew] All right,
everybody, let's get reset, we are going again. - Nigel, that's great. - (British accent) Oh,
great, it's smashing. Thank you so much. Yeah, Tom, well, it's
been an absolute honor, and what a great opportunity to be here and be able to play an American tough- - Well, I'm just so glad
that we got you out of that BBC commitment, so you can
play with us, so. (laughing) - Cheers, mate, cheers, cheers. - Antoine, listen, I'm just not buying that
you're someone that was born and raised in the
streets of Brooklyn. - (American accent)
That's weird, 'cause, uh, I actually was born and raised
on the streets of Brooklyn. (Nigel clears throat)
- Oh. - I was in a gang and everything. Most of this stuff
actually happened to me. - Wow. Okay. Well that's, that's, that's great for us. 'cause I want you to use it, okay? It's good first take. Let's just, uh, let's get going. Let's go, let's get going. - [Nigel] Thank you, Jim. (Tom clears throat) - Scene five, take two. (clapperboard claps)
(bell buzzes) - [Tom] And action. (dramatic music starts) - (American accent) You sold me our son. Now you going to end up with
a bullet in your head for it. - You can't play me mother (beep). (dramatic music rises) I'm the mother (beep) that plays mother (beep), mother (beep). (dramatic music rises and stops) - (sighing) Cut, cut.
(bell buzzes) Okay, Nigel, that was great. - (British accent) Oh.
- Brilliant. Just the way you move,
especially when you talk. I just really see this character coming to life before my eyes. It's fabulous, it's fabulous.
- Cheers, mate, cheers. Antoine, your performance, um, it's just not quite there yet, okay? I, I really need to see you
make more of a transformation, Okay, like Nigel here. - That dude's British. - Yeah. - Antoine, if I might jump
in with a bit of advice. - I don't think I need that. - No, no, no, no, look, hear him out. - Maybe you might want to
try thinking of something in the material that's
similar to something that's happened in your real life. - Mm. - For me, for instance, I like
to think of when (chuckles) me mom wanted me to attend
prep school in Leeds to become a barrister, but I
wanted to study the theater at Oxford.
- Thank God. - And so that was a
conundrum, really, for me. - I'm gonna stop you right, right there. 'Cause it's, it's just
confusing me, right? Like, I don't need that, 'cause I am from the streets. I was in a gang. They told me to kill my cousin. (tongue clicks) - Might be a bit spot on, no? - Yeah, that's a bit spot on. Do you have any stories
that involve your mom? - What's a mum? - Oh dear. - Scene five, take three. (clapperboard claps)
(bell buzzes) - [Tom] Okay, Antoine, remember, you're a gangster, okay? Betrayal, the streets? Okay, Nigel, you're perfect. Antoine, transform, and action! - You sold me out, son. (dramatic music starts) Now you going to get a blood
up in your head for it. - You can't play me mother (beeps). (dramatic music rising)
- I'm the mother (beeps) that plays mother (beeps), mother (beeps). (dramatic music rises and stops) - He's boring to watch. (sighs deeply) Cut.
(bell buzzes) - Ugh, that does not sound good. (Tom sighing deeply) - Antoine, I do not feel like you have found the
emotional core of this character. - Man (beep) this, nobody is more real than me, okay? I come from the streets! And nobody's going to tell
me what the streets is like. Nobody, you understand? - That's a great speech. I just wish that I believed it. You wanna give it a shot? - Sure, I'll have a go. Man, (beep) this. I'm as real as it gets! - Yes. - This (beep) streets is for real. I'm up in there man.
- You are. - I'm (beep) from the, from the (beep), from the earth from these streets. - From the earth-
- Something to that effect. - That, no, but I'm so with you. I am with you when you say that. Even when you're saying the wrong words. I just wish you could do that. - You know what? (Antoine punching)
(Tom grunting and coughing) - Oh, goodness. - Okay, that hurts, but I don't feel that it comes from the right emotional
place, for the character. Alright, here, give it a shot. Give, me a, watch, watch. (Nigel punching)
(Tom grunting and coughing) - (coughing) That's, that's great. - Thank you.
- I feel that in here, and in here- - That's very gracious of you to say that - In my heart, try that again. (Antoine punching)
(Tom grunting and coughing) I just, (gasping) I don't,
I don't believe you. (door sliding)
(dramatic music starts) - Okay, let's get this thing going. Everybody take a seat. We gotta have more meetings, homes. 'cause I'm telling you man,
we gotta get organized. (leader exhaling) (distant sirens wailing) - Carlito ain't got a seat
man, someone get him a chair. - Nah, I'm cool. - No, dude. Get him a chair, homes. - Nah man. I'm gonna sit gangster. - But Carlito, it doesn't look
like it's comfortable, man. Why don't you just sit in the chair? - I never sit in no chair, ese. Mm-mm. You never, ever, goin' catch
me sitting in no chairs. - Like ese, you know
that that's loco, right? - Nah, man, tsk. - It's cool, Carlito. No one's gonna think you're soft if you sit in a chair, homes. - We're all sitting in chairs. - Bunch of bitch-ass culeros, okay. I don't have no time to
sit in no (beep) chair. - Huh, okay. Now that we're all here... You know what, but why though? Like, it, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself
up with a rule like that. - No, it's like, limiting. - Yeah limiting, limiting.
- Ah, ah. - Sometimes people sit in chairs. - Man, (beep) all of you guys
with your bitch-ass chairs. (table crashes) - There. Okay, Carlito, quit playing
and sit in the chair, pendejo. - No. - Carlito, we have to have
this meeting now, ese, get up. - I'm good right here, man. - You know- - I'm chilling. Go ahead with your meaning. - Okay, but you know it's gonna be weird. You don't care that it's gonna be weird? - Weird for you, maybe - He doesn't care, okay. Okay, homies, so this
is what we have to do. (Carlito grunting) Like, we gotta sell more drugs. (Carlito grunting) And we gotta make more crimes happen. (Carlito grunting)
Roberto, where are we- - Carlito! You're bleeding, ese! (Carlito grunting) - Who cares, man? (Carlito grunting) Oh.
(blood squishing) - Yo, bro, you just got shanked, man! We gotta pull that out! - Leave it. - I'm chilling, homes. I don't care about that stupid shank. (dramatic music rises)
(Carlito grunting and exhales) - Carlito? Carlito wake up, man! (group chattering)
(bell ringing) Carlito! - (ethereal echo) Don't even bother, ese. - (gasping) Dios mio! I don't need those defibrillator. I don't even wanna come
back to life, homes. - Carlito... - [Medic] Clear.
(body thuds) Go back into your body. - My body's stupid, homes. I'm fine right here on the spirit plane. Life is for *******. (angelic singing) - Oh my. - Carlito.
(angelic singing continues) Carlito, go to the light! - No, I'm good man. - Carlito, that's heaven, man. - I don't need to go to heaven, homes. Heaven is for *******. - Oh boy. (mouth trilling) (bottles tapping) - Oh, well, well, well.
- (chuckling) Well. - (beep) Mexicans. - Oh, man, do not get me
started on the Mexicans. Hey, I'll just say it. They hold the ******* economy together. You know what, man? **** straight. If 12% of the Mexicans
that live in this country stop working, just 12%, the USA would shut down. - I don't even care who hears me. - Nope. - They, they, they, they,
they worked their asses off- - Mm-hmm. - And they got strong family values. - Essential immigrants. (bottles clinking)
- Hey, speaking of immigrants, how about Asians? - (beep) You know what brother? You wanna light that fuse,
then you better stand back, 'cause I got something I wanna say about those mother (beep). - I got three words for you. Studious, hardworking, industrious, - **** straight. Asians are the highest income, best educated, and the fastest growing
racial group in the US of A. - Plus, (chews) got the highest percentage of college graduates in the country. Good for them. And I, maybe this makes me sound racist, but those mother (beep), they're gonna save the country. There it is. You said,
you went and said it. (bottles clinking)
I just said it. I just came right the
(beep) out and said it. - It was in everyone's mind. - But I'm the one who said it.
- Who said it. - Hey, and you know what? While we're at it, I'm
going to break my spine. Tip, tap, dancin', wancin', prancing around the elephant in the room. - Yep.
- Blacks. - (beep) Blacks. - Blacks.
- (beep) Blacks, And you know what you done, done, did? You opened up the flood
gates now, my friend. Release the Kraken. - ******* victims of
institutionalized racism-my. - (squealing) And despite all that, they overcame the slavery
and the segregation just to become CEOs and entrepreneurs. - (laughing) And hey, one of
'em is gosh darn president! - And I mean, that's
just true, right there. That's just historical fact, man. You can't even argue that. (laughing) - Oh! How about the Indians? - (beep) Native Americans. - (laughing) I don't know
if I could get in trouble, these days, for saying
something like this, but they were here first. - Um, it may be unpopular, but it's true. We, we came to this country and we steamrolled on in
and we genocided them. I mean, hell, we owe 'em something. - Well, there you go.
(bottles clinking) I gotta tell you, man, that's not bad for a non-alcoholic beer. - Not bad at all. - All right, I gotta go home. (tapping table) Take care of my kids. - How many of 'em you got now? - Just adopted the 11th. - Oh.
- Can't help myself. - Man, that's always what happens when you volunteer for the
earthquake relief in Haiti. - Yep, yep, yep.
- (laughing) And what you gonna do?
- What you gonna do? You know, my wife makes
two thirds of what I make. - What? Y'all got the same job, man. That's just patently unfair. - That's right. We're both librarians. (man burping) You all right? - I'm okay. (dramatic orchestral music starts) (footsteps tapping) - You guys see anything? - (whispering) Nothing, yet. - Okay. (breathing heavily) We'll wait until dark and then sneak back across the line and rejoin our unit. (door creaking) Did you guys hear something? (gunshots firing) (dramatic orchestral music intensifies) (dramatic orchestral music stops) (soldier gasping) (dramatic orchestral music) Oh, hell. (dramatic orchestral music fades) (doors creaking) (dramatic orchestral music rises) - These Americans proved
to be no obstacle at all. Search the hotel. - Yeah. - You've done well to secure this position That could bode well for promotion. Speaking of which, guess who I saw the markets other day. - Who? - Oh, I don't know Adolf Hitler. - I love Hitler. - Who doesn't, but you
ever see him in person? - Oh yeah,
(face sizzling) at the Nuremberg rally. It was very inspirational.
- I know it was, I was there. Everyone was there. But up close, it's a whole different thing. For instance, it was the weekend and the little hairs
had just started to grow on the sides of the mustache, like this. So, I walk up to Hitler, casual- - El kommandant. - That's, that's rude. I'm in the middle of a story. You're not interested in
a story about our Führer? - Yeah, but- - Okay, good, Ava was there as well. Taller than you think, or
Hitler's shorter, or hard to say. But, any who, I'm buying some bread. Hitler's buying some bread. - Um, I must-
- So I'm, I'm assuming you've got
a better Hitler story? - But, no, but- - Then maybe don't interrupt. - (exhales) Yes, sir. - So I give him a salute, and he gives me one of
those half-Hitler salutes, you know, down low, very cool. - Right, right.
- You know? (fly buzzing)
Here's what you forget. He doesn't say Heil Hitler. Isn't that funny? (hand smacks) (dramatic music) - Uh, el kommandant?
- Oh wait, I think maybe next time I'll tell him how uninterested you are in my story. - Oh no, no.
- Is this is a jealousy thing? - No, no, no, no. - You know, I didn't meet
Hitler to hurt your feelings. - (stuttering) It's... Proceed, of course. - So I say to Hitler, I've
actually been quite busy. (food crunching)
(dramatic music) Hitler laughs, and then says, (laughing) you and me both. I mean he's the Führer. - It's so funny, because
it's an understatement. (soldier laughing)
I mean is he's super busy. As Hitler was taking his leave of me- - Okay, I have to interrupt you right now. - Do you speak during the cinema? The story has a build, but if you keep interrupting,
you kill the momentum. - I'm trying to tell you that body is moving! (dramatic music swells) - That's ridiculous. The Americans are all dead. But if it keeps you from interrupting my awesome Hitler story, I'll prove it to you. - Yes, very good, sir. (footsteps approaching) (dramatic music swells) (footsteps approaching) (dramatic music intensifies) (blade slicing) (blade slicing) (dramatic music slows)
(blade tapping) - (sighing) I'll never get used
to those final death throws - Death throws? der Mueller? What is wrong with you?
(dramatic music quickens) Those are not death throws! You're being an idiot! (gunshot fires)
(dramatic music swells) - Insubordinate and churlish. Pity.
(footsteps approaching) This is the best part of the story. As Hitler was taking his leave of me, he said, "ell there's no
point in getting bread "if you're not going to get," and at the same time Hitler
said, "cheese, I said "cheese," and then Hitler and I both said, "Jinx!" Both of us, it was like two
regular everyday peoples. You guys missed the first part, but this is all about Hitler. (shanty music swells) ♪ I once met a lass so fine ♪ ♪ She was drunk on barley wine ♪ ♪ I'd been to sea for months or three ♪ ♪ I knew I could make her mine. ♪ (crowd cheering) ♪ And the lass was past consent ♪ ♪ So, it was off with her we went ♪ ♪ And we threw her in
bed, and rested her head ♪ ♪ And we left because
that's what gentlemen do ♪ ♪ A woman has a right to a drink or two, ♪ ♪ Without worrying
about what you will do ♪ ♪ We say yo-Ho, but we don't say ho ♪ ♪ 'Cause ho is disrespectful, yo ♪ (crowd clamoring) ♪ There once was a gal from Leeds ♪ ♪ Who I heard was good on her knees ♪ ♪ So I docked my ship
for an overnight trip ♪ ♪ To take care of all my needs ♪ ♪ The was fine, to tales to tell ♪ ♪ And my mast began to swell ♪ ♪ So I laid her down and raised her gown ♪ ♪ And performed ***********
for an hour or so ♪ (crowd cheering) ♪ Always take care of your lady, faire ♪ ♪ 'Cause they deserve as
much attention down there ♪ ♪ We say yo-ho, but we don't say ho ♪ ♪ 'Cause ho is disrespectful, yo ♪ ♪ I once had a woman so fair ♪ ♪ Whose womb contained my heir ♪ ♪ With a sun by my side ♪ ♪ The seas we'd ride ♪ ♪ The child she would bear ♪ ♪ But my girl, she was no fool ♪ ♪ She was working her way through school ♪ ♪ So I did support when
she chose to abort ♪ ♪ Because it's her body,
and therefore, her choice ♪ (crowd cheering) ♪ No, we don't say booty unless
we're talking about gold ♪ ♪ We don't look at chests,
lest it's treasure holds ♪ ♪ With a hand, and a feather,
and a cutlass on our hip ♪ ♪ We'll never say "She" when
we're talking about a ship. ♪ ♪ We don't say *****
and we don't say ***** ♪ ♪ Because that language leads
to things like body dysmorphia ♪ (knife whooshing) ♪ There was a lady with a golden eye ♪ ♪ And the doctor said she would die ♪ ♪ So she emptied her
purse to lift the curse ♪ ♪ And prayed to stay alive ♪ ♪ She a awoke the very next day ♪ ♪ Hand in her grave she lay ♪ ♪ But the scariest part of
the story from the start ♪ ♪ Is I bet you assumed
the doctor was a man ♪ (knife thuds)
(crowd gasping) - (gasps) I'm so... Ta-ta-ta-ta... ♪ Women are doctors, too ♪ ♪ And earn a fraction of the doubloons ♪ ♪ We say yo-ho, but we don't say ho ♪ ♪ 'Cause ho is disrespectful, yo ♪ (crowd cheering) ♪ There was a **** with and **** to here ♪ ♪ and an *** that- ♪ (gun fires) (intense orchestral music)
(footsteps tapping) (intense orchestral music quickens) (intense orchestral music stops) ♪ 'Cause it is your yo-ho
but we don't say ho ♪ ♪ 'Cause ho is disrespectful, yo ♪ (crowd cheering)
(glass breaking) (beatboxing theme music) ♪ Oh, I want ya ♪ ♪ But I don't need ya ♪
