- All right. How are we doing tonight? Awesome. What a hot crowd. This is fun. This is fun. There's some people in here who know me, some people who don't,
let's clarify some things. My name is Lace. That is my real name. It's not made up. It's not short for anything. Right? It's not short for anything. Right? But people don't accept that. When they meet me, their
response is always, That is so unique. What's
your story that goes with it?" And I don't have a story. Lace is just the name you get when your parents are
17 when they have you. That's right. You too could share a name with an original American gladiator. If your mom was unsupervised
after cheerleading practice. That's right. That's right. I have this little fantasy
about like why my parents had me so young and I like to imagine it wasn't just because
they were good looking horny teenagers down in
Warner Robins, Georgia, you know? Getting it on in a 1975 Gremlin. A gremlin that my dad painted
with yellow house paint. - I like to imagine my mom
could see the future, right? She's a psychic and she was
like, "Listen here, David, one day, we're gonna have
a daughter named Lace. And she's gonna find
herself broke and childless in her 30’s. As a has-been beauty queen bartender. Pursuing her big dream of
being a standup comedian, performing all over the country, right? In clubs and barbecue restaurants. And living rooms sometimes. Performing usually for free in front of tens of people at a time. So here, honey, hold my pom poms. Help me get out of this
cheerleading uniform. We're gonna breed
ourselves a winner. Woo!" Thank you. Thank you. And she did. She did. My parents are great. They are still together. That's very rare, very rare. They are together. They shouldn't be, but they are, right? They're just together outta
spite at this point, you know? I'm not gonna let anybody
hate you the way that I do. And that's sweet. That's true love. That's the goal for all
of us really, isn't it? Isn't it? They're amazing. They're very supportive of me. It took them a while to
be supportive, right? 'Cause nobody wants their kid to grow up 'Cause nobody wants their kid to grow up 'Cause nobody wants their kid to grow up to be a standup comedian. Nobody wants that. First of all, not a real job. Okay. Second of all, they put a lot
of work into me, you know? And I know when they see me
up on stage, they're like, oh, we're so glad that we
sacrificed our childhoods to raise you so you could make fun of us in front of strangers for validation. Cool. Cool. Here's the thing. They'd be way more impressed
if I had grand babies though. That's what I do know. Right? They're supportive of me, but they wish I had grandchildren and it makes sense that they
want grandchildren, you know, 'cause they're in their late 40s so. It's about time. It's kind of late actually. My mom likes to send me hints that she's ready for grand baby. She sends me links to
cute little baby clothes she finds online. "Wouldn't it be so cute if one day you had a little baby girl and she wore this little
crochet bumblebee costume that I found on Etsy that
I've already bought three of?" And I don't appreciate that.
That's too much pressure. Right? So I've just been replying
to her emails with links to cute little nursing homes, just- The cheap ones. I'm like this one had a COVID outbreak. And- I like to tell her, you
know, I might be broke, but Costco has caskets. And I've already bought two
of them so, you know? Gotta keep her on her toes, which is all fun in games until I remember how close in age we are
and I'm like, oh no, we'll be in the nursing
home at the same time. We gotta be careful. Gotta be careful. Here's the thing though,
when you have a name, like the title of a country song, you have a lot of pressure on you. All right? 'Cause prior to comedy, I did pageants. And that's just what you have
to do when your name is Lace. Right? It's like it it's your
responsibility to go out and make it in the big city, right? To keep the family farm alive. Except we didn't have a
farm. It was just a trailer. But still. You know? When you have a name like Lace, like here's your one chance,
Lace, don't let us down. Okay? And that's what I had to do so I had to do pageants,
for years I did that. And people are always like, And people are always like, "That's so weird that you
went from pageants to comedy. That's so different." And I'm like, "No, it's not." It's actually very similar. Okay? Right? You're on stage being vulnerable, being judged by mostly gay people, like it's the same. It's the same thing. But the cool part is is like nowadays I still
get to be on stage, but I don't have to act like
I care about world peace. Thank you. Thank you. I love that. Right? I also like get to keep all the food I eat and I think that's great. That's fun too. The easiest part is
getting ready for the show because like, if I do a comedy show, I don't have to now put a
piece of tape on my hoo-ha while I'm backstage- To keep it smooth like Barbie. So I don't have to do that.
That saves me a step back there. That's nice. That's nice. That's
something we did by the way. It's important. It's
important that we did that. You know? 'Cause they won't give you a scholarship if they can see camel toe. It is very important. That is a real thing by
the way. We did that. We would put a piece of tape on, okay? That's what we did. It
was called Tootie Tape. They don't sell it in the stores. Okay? Not yet. I will be selling some after the show. So if anybody's interested
in freshening up their lake days this summer, I gotcha. I gotcha. If you're gonna try it out though, you gotta use medical tape, all right? That's very important.
It comes off much easier. All right. You don't wanna make a mistake. And use duct tape. Not again. Not again. Be careful. Okay? It hurts. And you might
end up with one less lip. And listen, I- I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure you need all four. I don't know why, but you need all four of 'em, folks. Gotta use medical tape. It's much easier. It's very important. Very important. Speaking of pageants. I know I got some pageant
people in here tonight. Who's my pageant people? Some back here, some down here. Awesome. Good to see y'all.
Everyone else is like, why? Why'd you do that? Listen, it got me here. Okay? So I'm happy. I've been missing my
pageant body lately though. I have been, all right? Did pageants a while
back now at this point. They kick you out. You
can't stay in 'em forever. They don't let you stay in. You age out and they just call it that because they can't tell you that you're no longer allowed to compete because now you have
opinions and cellulite. So- That's what they call it. They say you age down,
not in there anymore. And people are like, "Oh my God, you could still do pageants." And I'm like, "No, no I couldn't." But that's sweet. I
appreciate that support. Right? That's why I love my girlfriends. 'Cause as soon as I told them
that I was ready to, you know, get my pageant body back, they're like, "We're supportive of you. You can do it." Right? They're like, "You joined Noom. It's gonna happen." Right? And I love that. I love to have supportive friends because they're like, "We
love that journey for you." And that's sweet. I appreciate it. 'Cause that is just the modern day version of bless your heart. We know you're not gonna
stop drinking alcohol or start showing up to
Orange Theory Fitness no matter how much you pay a month for it. And those are good friends.
Those are good friends. Okay? It sucks though, because I do comedy It sucks though, because I do comedy so like I happen to have a lot
of Gen Z friends by accident and you can't tell them
you wanna lose weight. You can't tell 'em you wanna lose weight 'cause they're like, "No! You gotta love your body. Love it for all that it is." And I'm like, first of all, I went through puberty in the 90s, okay? I've hated my body longer
than they've been alive so- Don't tell me how to love my body. It's like call me when you get off your parents' health
insurance, first of all, when you have an actual body to fix, okay? And you'll change your
mind about that. Right? But here's the thing.
Maybe they have it right. Maybe these Gen Zers have it right. Maybe body positivity is the way to go. It's healthier for the
younger generations. I appreciate that. Right? It's a healthier way to go. And you know what? I've picked
up a couple ideas from them. For instance, like maybe I
shouldn't call it cellulite. For instance, like maybe I
shouldn't call it cellulite. I call it cellulite. I shouldn't. Maybe I should just start
calling it fingerprints. Right? Just little trophies. Just left over from all
the good times I've had. Be proud of it. Right? And maybe I need to stop worrying about my boobs sagging one day, right? I don't need to worry about that. You know, maybe boobs just get heavier. 'Cause they're full of secrets. Left over from all the good times I've had so maybe that's what it is. And guys, all right. I don't wanna leave the
fellows out of this. Gentlemen. Listen. Your balls. All right. They're not getting longer
and more disgusting. I'm just kidding. They are. That is exactly. It's exactly what's happening. All right? It's exactly what's happening. All right? First of all, why are they on the outside? Okay? If they're so important, why aren't they protected by your abdomen? All right. Also they are by far the
most confusing body parts between all the sexes, right? If it's hot, they're long
and stuck to your thighs. If it's cold, they disappear. The only body part that
plays peekaboo with itself. Very strange. Very strange. When you guys sit down, where do they go? Are you sitting on 'em? It's just a strange body part.
That's all I'm trying to say. Don't get me wrong.
Penises. Big fan. Love 'em. Love 'em. Love a Dick. Love 'em. Mm-hmm. This is how you know women
don't care for balls. When we buy vibrators,
are there balls attached? Nope. No. 'Cause they're weird. Right? Also women are supposed
to be the weaker sex yet I can take you down with one flick. Boom. I'm done. One tiny
flick of the finger. One little tap with the back of my hand. You're fucking down. Who's weak now? All right. Thank you. You could punch my titty. I'll come back for more, right? Like that doesn't... Can't stop me. Kick a twat. Nothing's gonna happen. All right. I can fight harder then. Okay? I can fight harder. I don't know. Speaking of bodies, anyone else spend the pandemic trying to grow their
own pair of boy shorts? Anybody else or was that just me? No one else wanted to push
their body hair to the limit? See what their pubes
were capable of? Nobody? It was a fun game I played with myself. I knew it was possible because I know I have very
strong body hair game. I know that because I used to
play a fun game with my mom when I was a kid, it was hours of fun. It was called help me find the whisker. Anybody else play this game? So fun. Right? It's normally your mom or
a female relative. Right? And they've got their hand on their chin. Right? Maybe it's on the back
of their arm. Right? But you've got the tweezers. Okay. Takes two. It's very important. Right? You're both looking for
like an eight inch long jet black hair, looks like it came off a Rottweiler. Real thick and spiky. Wasn't there 15 minutes ago. Right? Fun game, fun game. Y'all know what I'm talking about. It's the kind of hair you go through like an entire day of work
and then you get in your car and you look in the rear view mirror and the sunlight hits you. And you're like, oh cool. Screw all my friends. Screw 'em all. Nobody? Nobody? No customer, no friend, no coworker saw like a phone charging cord hanging out of the bottom of my chin just dangling there? Nobody could have pulled me to the side, done a courtesy pluck or anything? Help a bitch out. Nobody? All day? Right? And I should have been prepared. I should have been
prepared that it was coming 'cause I used to make fun
of my mom and I'd be like, "Ugh, you're disgusting" And she's like, "Ha ha. You just wait." And she's right, because I was getting ready
for a show the other night and I was plucking my nipple whiskers. And- It's like that were-bitch
knew what was coming. She knew. Now, first of all, I need to
address the energy in the room. I don't appreciate like all the laughs I got for the chin hair bit. And then I started telling the truth- And then all the women are like. I don't know what she's talking about. 'Cause you're worried that
your men are gonna find out, Guess what? Your men know! They know about your nipple hair 'cause when they're down
there and they see one, they pluck it out with their teeth. They keep moving. They are horny and nothing
can stop them. Okay? Also I don't appreciate
the judgment. Okay? I don't. 'Cause there's no way statistically I'm the only woman in
this room with hairy-olas. There's no way that's possible. Maybe look down a little
bit more, ladies. All right? And if you don't have those yet, I bet you at least are
rocking a sas-crotch because that's a fun thing
we all had to find out about. No one gave us a heads up that this area doesn't stop growing. Nobody told us that. Right? School books, like if
you were in health class, they would just show you a body with like a triangle
down here to cover it up. And you're like, oh cool. It just stays in that shape. It's called a bikini line
'cause it stays in your bikini. No, it doesn't. Not at all. Not even a little bit. All right? It's like it's
got a mind of its own. Just makes its way down your legs. Heads to the back of your thighs. Connects to your knee hair. That's fun. Right? Just like a bunch of pioneer hairs making their way out West. Just I'm gonna go invent Mormonism. I'm gonna head out over to the plains, like a pioneer. I used to wonder why my grandmother would wear ruffles
around her bathing suit. And now I know. Now I know and I want one. I want one. Oh, man. Despite all of that, y'all,
somehow I got married. I don't know how. Thank you. Thank you. How did it. I caught him in my net. My thick course net. Just caught him in there. Right? I did though. I got married, y'all. We just celebrate our four
year wedding anniversary. Thank you. Thank you. Y'all, I love being
married. Gonna be honest. Love being married. Love being able to tell people
I married my best friend. That's the best.
- Aw. - Aw, thank you. That's so sweet. I love being able to say
it. I say it all the time. "I married my best friend." I don't mean it, but I say it. 'Cause it sounds good. Right? Like I saw a couple who
shares a Facebook account say that about each other and
I was like, that's healthy. Here's the deal. He's great. I love the man. He's amazing. He's not my best friend. Okay? He's a soulmate. I would call him that. He's my soulmate. He's-
- Aw! - Thank you. He's a soulmate or the
first one who ever asked. It's one of those. I don't know. It's hard to tell. It's tough. It's tough. I just wanna say he is my best
friend, like he's a friend. He's a friend at best. Like that's what he is, like he's- He's there a lot. Legally. Right? Like I knew I wanted a
house with vaulted ceilings and I forgot to ask him how
often he'd be in that house. That's my bad. That's my bad. Okay. Here's the thing though. He's great. But I have a real best friend. All right? She's been around way longer. All right. She knows all my secrets. She's way cooler than he is. And most importantly, y'all, she's never tried to stick it in my ass and I think that's- That's where I draw the
line for best friends. That's not what best friends
do to each other, folks. Okay? Unless that's your agreement
and then cool. All right? Best friends don't do that. Best friends don't go out to a restaurant, see you drink two margaritas
and then make a plan, right? That's not- That's not what best
friends do to each other. Right? We get home, getting frisky, he's back there, he
goes for and I go, huh? No. No thank you. And he's like, "Oops, wrong hole." Oops? You knew exactly what you
were doing back there, bud. First of all, you can
see the holes, I can't. What do you mean, "Oops, wrong hole"? And then he's all disappointed. He's got a notepad on the nightstand. He's like, "Three margaritas. It's three. Three, not two. It's three. Every time." I remember, I remember when things
were getting serious between my husband and I. And I was like, oh my
God, this is it. Right? Like if he asks me, I'm gonna say yes. You know? Number one, 'cause I love him. But number two, 'cause I was like, "Oh no, I'm 30 and I don't own anything of value." And- I forgot to start a savings account. I forgot to start a savings account. Oh man. And I remember like fantasizing about like what that dream proposal
would be like one day. You know? And I remember fantasizing
about like what that dream ring would look like when I got it. And, y'all, I am still fantasizing. There's a diamond there.
That's what he said it was. So we'll go with that. Also I gotta put some blame on myself. Also I gotta put some blame on myself. I did mention too many
times that I was a feminist when we were dating, okay? Save that till later. All right? You can tell him, just wait
till you get engaged. Okay? Don't say that beforehand. Right? And here's what you definitely, you wanna make sure you say things like, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Like whatever was on
billboards in the 90s. Just say that. Okay? Be careful. All right? Don't say that, "I don't
even care if I get a ring." That's the stupidest
thing you could ever say. You do care. You might
think you don't care. You might might think
you're just saying something to keep him around, all right? You're gonna regret that later. All right? 'Cause as soon as you get
engaged, every girl you meet, all of your girlfriends. they're gonna grab your hand
and they're gonna look at it and you're gonna be like . And they look at you and they go, "Did you say diamonds weren't important?" And you're like, "Yeah, I did." I did. I did. But it's cool though. He said he doesn't even
care. He doesn't even... And honestly he doesn't. I could put this ring in a
lineup with one other ring and he wouldn't know which
one was mine, so it's fine. He gave me permission. He
said that I could upgrade. So y'all, year five I am
getting a new husband. So I am real excited. Real excited about that. Here's the thing though.
He spends his money. All right? On himself. And that's okay. All right? Once again, questions you
should ask beforehand. Okay? He spends his money. He's
really into mountain bikes. That's where all his money goes. So I don't know if anyone's familiar. I know we're in like mountain
bike country up here. All right. So you might be familiar. Not everyone's familiar
with mountain bikes. Like when we were dating,
my girlfriends were like, "Ooh, mountain bikes. That
sounds like motorcycles. That sounds sexy." And I was like, it's not like motorcycles at all. That would be sexy. What he's into are just bicycles that have a big, dumb shock on 'em, okay? Each one costs as much as a used car. And he's the motor on them. Not as sexy. Right? Thank you. One person. And here's the thing. I was a
good girlfriend at the time. I'm a good wife now. He wanted to get me into
bicycles and I was like, "Hell yeah, I love bicycles. I used to ride a Huffy
around my trailer park." Jumped over those speed bumps, man. I can do this. So we rode together for a long time. And we had two bikes, two people. I was like, that's enough bikes for all the people in the house. But I was wrong. Apparently he needs a whole
bunch of these bicycles. Right? He tries to justify his
fleet to me all the time. He's like, "No, babe. Hear me out. Listen. I'm gonna need all of 'em. This one over here, this is
better for uphill. All right. This is heavier. It's better for downhill. This is an E-bike. This one
over here is a hard tail. It's good for jumps. This one over here, it's
got different suspension. It's good for roots." And I'm like, "You're an idiot." You're an idiot. You're one man with one ass, right? Like I don't know... The woods has all those things
you just described, right? Like what is he doing on the weekends? Is he packing up all
his bikes in the truck, heading up to the mountains, setting himself up like
a redneck relay race? Every mile he's like, "Oh no, got some more roots coming
up. I've gotta switch bikes. Hold my beer." Like I don't know. I don't know what this man does. All I know is that every time
I walk out into the garage, I just see six better engagement rings with tires on 'em. That's what I see. I guarantee you none of those bikes let him get away with that special thing I reluctantly let him do. Twice a year after three
margaritas so I don't know. There's no way. There's no way. Here's a little PSA by the way. If there are any women in here who are waiting to get a ring
from a fella, hear me out. All right. Maybe do a little butt stuff,
just a little bit. Listen. Only before you get the ring, hear me out. Okay. Hear me out. The women are
like, "Shut up, stop, stop now." The men are like, "Hell yeah, finally." Listen. Here's the thing. It wasn't until after I got engaged that I remembered an important lesson we all learned in science class. Right. And that is how diamonds are made. Okay? If you don't remember,
I'll break it down. It's the stronger pressure, the bigger the diamond. I'm just saying, bear down. I'm just saying. Bear down. Do it a few times. It only hurts at first. Listen. But a tiny diamond that
hurts forever. Okay? So you've gotta- Weigh that out. Weigh that out. It's fun being married. Who's married in here?
Couple people married? All right. Okay. That's rare. Y'all wooed and said you were
married at the same time. That is generally reserved for the single people in the room. Usually at any show that I
do and I go, "Who's married," people are like. I guess. We'll see what happens in the
car tonight after the show. Usually married people don't woo, but y'all are having a good time. You're a fun people. I like that. That's good. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love it. There was a weird time though that we had, a weird little moment. Y'all remember when Georgia
had like a 45 minute shutdown during the pandemic? Two and a half years ago. Right? It's a weird little bit of
time where like I couldn't go and do live shows and we were both kind of stuck at home
together and that's weird. All right. That's a stressful time
for a married couple is when you're stuck at home together. You know? Because at one point he
looked at me and he's like, "Babe, I've been thinking." And I was like, "Please don't." And he's like, "Listen,
I love you. You're sexy." And I was like, "Duh." And- He's like, "But I wish that
you would seduce me more. That's what I wish." And I was confused 'cause that means that
he thinks he's been doing all of the seduction. In this relationship. I'm like, "When do you think
you've been seducing me, honey? Right? 'Cause I put effort in, y'all. Like I own wigs. I have lingerie. I shower. Right? I do all the things. Okay? And what he does is sometimes
when I'm trying to relax on the couch and binge watch Netflix, he comes wandering into the living room in his soft shorts with a boner. So proud. As if he just created it custom for me. Then he's like, "Huh. Voila." I'm like, "That is not seduction." Right? He's like, "That's not what I do." He's like, "I'm stealthier than that." And I'm like, "No, you're not." No, you're not. I'm like, "Are you referring to the times that I'm on the couch trying to watch TV and you come into the
living room in the dark, but you approach the couch on the side that I can't see you on and you're still in your
soft shorts with a boner, but this time, what you do
is you just take my hand and you put it on it, is that it? Any woman who's ever lived
with a man or dated a man, we've all been through that before, right? They just take your hand
and they put it on it. First of all, as if
they invented that move. And it's like, "Hate to tell you, bud, but that's the first and most recent way I've touched a penis." Y'all all do it. It's not smooth at all. The worst part though
is once you touch it, you gotta finish it off. Them's the rules. We all know. I didn't make the rule,
but that's the rule, right? And the whole time you're like, "I don't wanna pause the show
for this, but all right." And there's one tiny bit
of time where your hand is being lifted up and you're in the dark and you're like, "Oh my
God, this is so romantic. Is this like the Addams family and he's Gomez and I'm Morticia and he's gonna kiss me
up and down my arm?" And the you're like,
"No, that's just a dick. That's what that is." Yep. And then it's even more
stressful because you're like, "That's not the ice cream sandwich I asked you to go get me 15 minutes ago so." I don't know what you
were doing in the kitchen that made you so horny but
this is not what I ordered. All right. I wanted something soft and
sweet, not hard and salty. That's what I didn't ask for. Didn't ask for. You enjoy that? He's like she said, "Hard and salty." That's what they are. That's what they are. Right? And the balls are there. There's so many things that
nobody, nobody asked for. So I told him, I was like,
"Maybe you could do a little, maybe you could actually try, okay? Maybe you could actually
try to seduce me. " And he's like, "All right, I will." And then it was a couple days later I wandered into the bedroom and he was wearing the
man version of lingerie. Right? Which of course, if you're familiar is the T-shirt, no pants. And by the way, fellas, what a look. Mm. Mm. Big fan, big fan. Right? Take the one part of the
body we all wanna look at, your chest and arms, right? And just cover that up and show us your dingle
dangles at the bottom. And your butt that looks
like a bullfrog stood up. Mm. Your white, white bullfrog butt. And your white thighs. That blend into your tan calves. Mm. Mm! Mm! Nothing gets us going like that, fellas. Keep it up. That's what works. So anyway, there he is
in his mangerie and- And he's got his leg
propped up on the bench in front of the bed. 'Cause you know, we live in the suburbs so it's mandatory that you have a bench in front of your bed. That's how that works. He's got his leg propped
up and I'm like, "Oh shit. He's actually trying to
seduce me. This is nice." Right? He's in costume. You know? He's all propped up like Captain Morgan. He's the Captain Morgan, he's got an eye patch on for no reason. I don't even- Don't even know where he got it. Right? I'm like, I'm gonna let him
stab me with that sword. That's what I'm gonna let him do. That's what I'm gonna let him do. Right. I might let him look for some booty. You know what I'm saying? That's a pirate joke.
That's a pirate joke. But then I notice that
in one of his hands, he's got a bottle of
Clorox cleaning spray. And he's applying it to his dead toenail from a recent mountain biking accident. And I'm like, "Wow, that's just gross. That's what that is." That's home surgery.
That is not seduction. We need better health
insurance. I know that. Right? I'm grossed out. And I go walking down the hallway and I'm like I don't know what
I just walked into, right? But then halfway down the hall,
I was like, "Wait a second. I didn't even know he knew where
the cleaning supplies were. In the house. I am turned on again. I'm soaking wet. We went back in there. We boned for two hours. I made him put some
socks on first but then when we bone for two
hours, that's the fun. That's the fun part of
being married. Right? She'll let anything slide. You know? 'Cause it's too tough to get divorced so you just keep it going. I do love being married. I make fun of him a
lot. He's here tonight. He allows me to do so. He's here. That's good. I say allowed, don't have
to allow me to do shit, but he's not gonna fight me. He's not gonna fight me. He's an amazing guy. I'm so thankful for him. Best guy I've ever been with for sure. Love him. So happy that we're together. But here's the thing,
I do not miss dating. I don't miss dating at all. Anybody in here who is single or you're out in the dating world, that sucks, I'm sorry. I hate that for you. I truly do. I'm sorry. I love that journey for you. That's why- I'm so sorry. Wait, I should
have said the right thing. No, I don't miss dating at all 'cause I don't miss
like lying all the time. Act like you like the same
shit the other person likes. Right? I don't miss like hiding my crazy. Like I don't miss any of that. I much prefer being married.
It's much nicer. Right? When things were getting serious and like we were going
to each other's houses, you know, before we got married and I would let him like pick
what we would watch on TV. You know? 'Cause I was like this
will be the last time and- Don't get used to it, bud. So when he got to choose
what we were watching on TV, I started to notice a pattern. I noticed that he was always watching the same types of shows, right? He loved anything about
the wilderness, right? Especially if there were
like people surviving in the wilderness, right? Men driving trucks on icy
roads in the wilderness. Men heading out into the
woods to build tiny homes. Okay. And then I realized we
were watching those shows for two totally different reasons. Like I was watching it for entertainment and he was watching it
like he was making a plan. And I'm like, "I don't
know what you think, bud, but I'm not letting you take
me out into the wilderness." That's what I'm not letting you do. Right? 'Cause first of all, he tried to talk me into
tiny homes for years. he tried to talk me into
tiny homes for years. He was a big fan of tiny homes. Kept trying to talk me into those. And I was like, first
of all, I grew up poor. Okay? I'm not living in something
that could be towed away while I'm inside of it ever again. All right? And he tried to sell me on 'em. He's like, "No, babe, you care about the environment." He's like, "Tiny homes, they
got composting toilets." And I was like, "Hear me out. I went to college. I am not shitting in mulch.
That's what I'm not gonna do. I'm not a stray cat. All right? I'm not kicking bark over my feces. That's what I'm gonna be doing." Okay? Not gonna do it. Also. Like... I love the man. He's good in
the woods on a mountain bike. I love the man. He's good in
the woods on a mountain bike. Okay, great on a mountain... He can drive fast through the woods. Okay? But I don't know that he has the skills to protect me from a bear. All right? He doesn't have
very good tracking skills. And I know this, for instance, if he has a shirt that I don't like, I can move it five inches to the left and he'll never find it again. He'll act like someone cased the house and broke in to just
steal that shirt from him. And the whole time he's complaining, I see the shirt out corner of my eye but I'm not saying anything about it. I know where it is. Right? But he won't look for things
for more than one second. Which is good. He'll talk it out though. If something's missing, he'll talk it out. Which is cool. You know? 'Cause that means
ultimately he's just better at looking for things with
his mouth than his eyes. And honestly that's how we ended up getting married. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But truly though, I mean,
I think the ultimate reason But truly though, I mean,
I think the ultimate reason I don't wanna live in the woods with him is we've been together 10 years. is we've been together 10 years. I'm still not 100% sure he's
not a serial killer. Okay? Listen, hear me out. All right. I do watch a lot of "Dateline." Listen, I listen to a
lot of murder podcasts. Yeah. Yeah. And he fits the profile. Okay? I don't have any evidence yet, but here's the thing, we
did meet doing comedy. He's a comedian. That's just one step
away from being a clown. Very murdery. All right? Also he owns a pressure washing business. That's a murder cleanup
company. That's what that is. He's got a lot of bleach in barrels and he could disappear me
real quick if he wanted to. Most importantly though, he's
a middle aged white dude. He wears glasses. And his middle name is Wayne so chances of him murdering me are real high. Real high, real high. He hasn't yet though. And I'm a little upset
about that honestly. I'm like, are you murdering
hotter bitches than me? Like who? What's she look like? It's fun though. I do enjoy being with a quirky guy though. It's good. I like it. I like it. I like it. It's a little, it's a little spicy. Right? I like being on edge and like, mm. Is he gonna kill me? Is he not? Like. It's fun. Keeps things
fresh. I enjoy that. It's important though if
you're looking for a fella, like find yourself or anybody,
woman, man, doesn't matter. Find yourself somebody who's
been through some shit. That's what I'm trying to say. Right? Get you somebody who's got
a little PTSD, you know? You know? Keeps it interesting. That's what it is. That's what it is. He's been through a lot.
Most of his family's dead. Listen, I know that sounded harsh. Okay. But I didn't do it. He might have, but we don't know for sure. We don't know for sure. That sounds rough. And I give it to him. Like he's been through a lot. Right? And most of the time, like, you know, I'm sad for him and I'm
like, that sucks, man. I'm sorry, but let me... There is one upside though. To him having a mostly dead family. Listen. When I was wedding planning, having a dead mother-in-law, it's the best gift that
you could get honestly. That's the kind of gift
you can't register for. They don't let you do it. The whole rest of the year, I'm like, "This is awful. I'm so sorry." But like those months
leading up to the wedding, I was like, thanks a lot, Brenda. You know, like I was really thankful. Really thankful for that. Because he's been through so much, it has made him a little different. All right and that's okay. Like he's a little bit of a conspiracy
theorist, which is fun. You know, get yourself one of those. Those are the kind of guys
who aren't gonna cheat on you. Right? 'Cause they're busy. They got a lot of research to do. Right? They're at the computer a lot. Okay? It's a safe place for them to be. You know? 'Cause they gotta keep
up with what's going on. They gotta make sure,
you know, the Illuminati isn't putting out chemtrails to confuse us about the
truth of 9/11, right? So it's important he's got work to do. Okay? he's got work to do. Okay? It's different. Here's the thing about my husband and I, I think it's important too
like if you don't agree 100% on everything with the
person you're with, that's okay. I think that's okay. All right. Because we ended up in the situation that we're in as a country because we didn't listen to people who disagreed with us politically, right? And I think that's ridiculous. We all gotta come together. We can't just rely on the internet to tell us what other people
think and what they don't. Let's just talk to people
in real life. Right? Find out 'cause yeah. At the end of the day, most
of us want the same thing. Right? We just wanna come and that's it. Honestly. That's really all we really want to do. I mean, what else is the point? Yeah, the whole staff is raising the roof. That's a great throwback
reference. Love that. I don't know. It's important to be with
somebody and at least spend time with people who don't 100% agree with you 'cause you'll learn a lot from that. Like for instance, I know I'm not in the right town for this, but y'all, I'm a registered Democrat. All right. I'm an NPR sustainer. And listen, I read, so
there's things that I do. My husband, he gets all
his news from YouTube and that's cool. That's cool. But here's the important thing. This is where we come together. This is where, like we share values and that's what you gotta
find in other people. And he and I realized that, you know, we share an
important value and that is the importance of him going down on me. And that is what brought us together honestly. And he's great at it. He's amazing. Like he acts like it's on
the food pyramid, right? Like it's something that he
needs to get in regularly. Right? Is it dairy? It's somewhere there near
like dairy and legumes. Like it's somewhere in there. He's just like , I just gotta get it in. I love that. I love that. And sometimes, y'all,
when I'm riding his face, I'm like, you know what? Ron Paul did have some good
ideas so you're not wrong. Just bone across the aisle. That's all. That's how we're gonna
bring this country together. There we go. Thank you. Thank you. We have a very interesting relationship. I know some people are
like, "Oh, that is crazy. You talk a lot of shit.
Do y'all really..." We are super fucking happy. We're great. And here's the best way that
I would describe the two of us together in a relationship. We're kind of like, we're like the movie "ET." Have y'all seen "ET"? You're familiar. Right?
Some people are too young. You don't remember "ET." But I feel like, like I'm Elliot and he's ET, like that's what I feel like. Right? Like one day I was wandering
around outside and I saw like, I saw some commotion coming from a shed. And a light coming out and I was like, "What's in there?" 'Cause I'm white so I'm
like, "Let's open this up." And then I opened the
door and there he is. And he's just like, "Ah!" He's terrified. Right? He's like, "I just got here." He's like, "Where am I? Where's my family?" And I'm like, "You're adorable. You come with me, bud. We're gonna get you inside. We're gonna dress you up to
fit in with everybody else. We're gonna put you in
some clothes that match. Come on. Come with me. You like beer? Let's do this. All right." And I had some Reese's Pieces
on me and I just used those. I was like, "Here, follow
these inside. Come on. Let's get you indoors, see
if you can eat some pussy. We're gonna get you in there. Come on. Come on. Come on." I don't think that's
how the movie went, but I didn't watch the whole thing. It's a porn version. A lot of people hadn't seen it. ET bone home. Either way it ends up the same way, right? It's the same scenario. It's just him and a bicycle
heading out into the woods. Thinking the FBIs out to get him. I got him wrapped in a little blanket. I got you baby. Who loves you? It's fun. Oh man. I don't know. For a while we were trying to have kids. We're trying to have kids. Not right this second, we tried for like a year and a half. It's a lot of work first of
all, a lot of work to have kids. Who's got kids? Some people got kids? Cool. Who had kids the first time
they tried to have kids? Okay. Who tried to have kids
and it took a little work? Okay. That's not ever... I said who has kids and that's not... Who has kids and you don't
know where the fuck they are? I feel like that's- There we go. I feel like that's more of the demographic in this room tonight. I don't know. We tried for a little while. We might try again. I don't know. It's a lot of work. It's a
lot of work to have kids. First of all, I was terrified for so long of getting pregnant. I was like, you know, you think that like if you have sex one time, you're gonna get pregnant, you know? So like my parents had me
in high school, you know? And when your parents have you before senior year graduation,
they put the fear in you. That's what they do. Right? I mean, I'm pretty sure
the first thing I learned as soon as I could start
talking was if you see a penis, run! Run as far and as fast as
you can away from the penis. Okay. So as soon as I started having sex, it was like my thighs were made out of like Wonder Woman's cuff bracelets. They were just like ping,
ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. Keeping all the baby juice away. You gotta be careful.
You gotta get it away. Get away! Get! Get! Sometimes you're hooking up with somebody, get a little sperm on your knee and you're terrified 'cause you're like maybe it crawls up. I don't know. Not 100% sure I knew how
babies were made for a while. All right. I was just like, I know
I need that off me. That's what I know. So the second that I was in
like a good, healthy place, and I was like, all
right, I wanna have kids. Like I was like if we're
gonna try, this is it. It's probably gonna happen immediately. That's what they tell us,
it's gonna happen. Right? So I was like shit, we're gonna start. I should start painting the nursery. Okay. And we started. Nothing happened. We try it again, try it again,
try it again, try it again. Nothing's happening. Right? And people were like,
"But did you get test?" Yeah, I got tested. "Did he get test," yes. All the things are supposed to work. They're also, people are like, "Did you use the fertility test?" And I'm like, yeah, that weird Game Boy that
I had to spend $400 on on Amazon so that I could
pee on a stick/my hand every morning for a year and a half to
plug into this stupid machine so it could tell me "you
can have sex today," right? Like, yeah, I did all of that. You know? And then I got some metaphysical
friends and they're like, "Have you tried all of these? Have you used the crystals?" I'm like, "Yeah. I've got a few inside me right now. I'm doing all the things. I'm doing all the things." Okay? The worst advice though
that I got was my friends who were like, "Well, you know, you should probably stop drinking." That was the most confusing
thing 'cause I was like, "Bitch, that's how all
y'all got pregnant." Like I don't know why you would tell me not
to do the one guaranteed way to get pregnant. That's when I learned I didn't
have real friends. Okay. I don't know. We tried for a while. It's not easy though.
It's not easy. Right? So I was trying all the new things. I was trying shit that
nobody told me to try. Right? For instance, I started collecting sperm. I know know that's, I put it
on all the chairs in the house. Started washing my clothes in it. Listen. Put little in my smoothie
every morning. I don't know. I'm just- I know men are bad at
asking for directions so maybe the ones up here would
talk to the ones down here. They could get together,
point out where the cervix is and they could work that out. I don't know. All I know is don't come to my house because there's cum all in my house. That's all I know. That joke's not gonna make
it into this for sure. That is definitely not one of the ones I'm gonna do on "America's Got Talent." The won't let me do it.
They won't let me do it. I don't know though. I think I could be a mom. I think I'm ready to be a mom. I think I'm ready to be a mom because I know that I
would be a good mother. Okay. I do know that I do know that. I do know I'd be a good mom. Mainly because before my
husband, I raised a lot of men. Okay? That's right. Raised a lot of, and some
I raised successfully, they went on to meet other women and have children, you know? And I'm like, you're welcome. You're welcome, women. I did that. I did that. You know? They weren't all successful though. They weren't all good. Dated two different guys who both jumped out of a moving car. Okay. Two different times, two different guys. And I do realize that I'm
the common denominator in both of those situations. And I did push the second one, but that's not what we're here to discuss your Honor. Okay? Had had one long-term
relationship that was really bad. The last serious relationship
I had before I met my husband, dated a guy that I knew
was cheating on me, but it was hard to prove. Has anybody else been in a relationship where they thought they
were being cheated on? Okay. Some of you can't say anything 'cause you're like, "I'm
with him right now." It's all right. I'll help
you investigate later. Also, that wasn't enough hands. There's no way. I'm the only
woman in here who's dated men, all right, there's no way. And sorry, fellas. Sometimes guys are like,
"Ooh, women lie too." Yeah, we do. We're better at it though. Women are better liars. Right? 'Cause we start small, we have sweet lies, lies that keep the relationship together. You know? Stuff like, oh my God, it's so big. And... Ow. And you're the first
one I ever let do that. You know, stuff like that. Sweet lies, sweet lies, lies that keep the relationship together. Dudes, y'all don't do that. Guys, your lies are too big. You lie about things like second families. All right. Start smaller with your lies, fellas. Start smaller. This guy was with for years, I shouldn't have been with him. Like I said, there were red
flags from the beginning, but he was very tall. They'll get you. The
tall ones will get you. Right? They look good in pictures. All right. And I shouldn't have dated. I accidentally dated that
guy for six years and... I mean, he was tall the
entire time so don't judge me. Don't judge me. And I guess the whole
relationship wasn't bad. You can't say a whole six
year relationship was bad. Like we had some nice pastimes. Right? We had some sweet pet
names for each other. Like I'd call him sugar
butt and he'd called me a crazy bitch like my mom and... What a sweetheart. We did this one, my ex and I did this one fun thing together when we had a night off, it
was called fighting in public. Anybody else? Aw. So much fun. So good. What we would do is we
would have, you know, we would pre-game at the house and... 'Cause we're classy. And then we'd go out to dinner and we'd have a couple
bottles of wine, you know? 'Cause it'd be a Wednesday, they'd be half off and... Gotta get your money's worth. And then afterward we'd end up, you know, at some bar and have 17 more drinks. And at some point I would come
out of the bathroom, right? With all my baggage from
all my suspicions, you know? And I'd have my eyelashes
from earlier on my cheek. And I'd come out of the bathroom and I'd see him talking
too close to some woman. And I'm like, "Who the
hell are you talking to?" And he's like, "This is the waitress. I'm trying to order you another drink." And I'm like, "Oh really? Are you trying to order
it through her ass?" And he's like, "You're crazy." And I'm like, "You're crazy." And he's like, "Then leave." And I'm like, "I will leave." Right? And I go walk outside, but then my shoe would
fall off on the way out 'cause I was too prideful to go get it so I'd just be stumbling out like some sort of wide
trash Cinderella, right? Just heading out until I
was sitting on the curb, just crying into my phone, right? Until some sad bartender
would come out with a shoe and he's like, "This again?" He's like, "Hey, could you
put your shoe back on?" I'm like, "That's not my shoe." I'm fancy. I only wear Louis Vuittons. That shoe says Forever 21." And he'd be like, "That's interesting because it matches your other shoe. And you're the only
shoeless bitch out here. So could you put that on, get in there and date that
guy for another three years?" And I did. I did. I did. He was right. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know. Towards the end of that
toxic relationship, like I needed to catch him, 'cause I knew he was cheating and it was just it was too tough. But technology was finally on my side. iPhones finally came out, right? That's how long ago this was. And so we started this other fun pastime that we would do together. And what that was was
when he would come home from his bar job and go to drunk sleep, what I would do is I would
wake up from fake sleeping. And then I'd go around the bed and go get his cell phone
off the nightstand, right? I'd come over to my side of the room and I'd crouch down real low, right? It's important that you stay low if you're gonna go through
somebody's phone, all right? You stay low, you stay in the room 'cause you can keep one eye on him, one eye on the phone, and if he wakes up, you can
throw yourself on the floor, roll under the bed for a second. Listen, wait till they go back to sleep, then you go back to recon, right? So I did this night after night. I'm going through his phone, right? Just looking at him like butt naked in the corner of the room, just scrolling, like I'll show you crazy. And I found it. He was
cheating on me the entire time. Okay. He was cheating on me and I
had found the most recent one. He had three months of
evidence in his phone, he didn't delete anything. And what I could have done is
I could have confronted him in the middle of the night, right? But it had been six years, you know? So I needed to collect all the information so I could do it the next
day at his job in public so. It's much easier now. Oka? 'Cause now we have airdrop. You can just send that over real quick. It's not what I had to do though. I had to do old scroll screenshot, right? So you gotta do that,
you gotta go through, you gotta collect all the evidence. Scroll, screenshot, scroll,
screenshot, scroll, screenshot. Then you gotta text
yourself the screenshot of the text messages that you
found out of his phone, right? But you gotta cover your
tracks, go into the photo album, delete the screenshots
of the text messages that you already took on his phone, go to the conversation
between the two of you, delete the screenshots
of the text messages that you already texted to yourself. Don't forget the deleted
album, go in there. Delete all the screenshots
of the text messages that you already deleted out of the album and out the text messages. And I just bring this up to tell y'all how good it feels to be
in a healthier place. Thank you. Thank you. Feels good. Feels good. Feels good to be with someone whose phone I don't have to go through anymore. You know? Feels nice. I still do it, but nothing in there. Just pictures of mountain
bikes. That's it. All right. Y'all are incredible. I've been Lace Larrabee.
Thank you so much.
