39 Minutes of Jimmy O. Yang

I don't know if you guys remember this just three years ago there was a movie called The Great Wall starring Matt Damon it was a real movie it was Matt Damon in ancient China fighting dragons and everybody spoke English I'm not mad okay he's an actor that's what he does for a living that's how he gets a check I get it I get it if somebody would offered me a lead role in a movie called Mount Rushmore [Music] played out of George Washington you know I mean no shame in my game I'll play George Washington Carver if they let me that's a black guy by the way I don't know gotta represent man I see a lot of people out here in the streets they want to come up to me but they're not really sure there's a lot of debate amongst their friends they're like hey man are you sure that's him if we go up there we got to be sure because if we go up there and it's not him we're gonna look super racist foreign are you sure that's not kenjong looks kind of like Ali Wong I don't know and it come up to me is always like the first thing they say like hey hey man or should I do Jing Yang from that show Silicon Valley and I was like ah [Applause] yeah thank you thank you I appreciate that yeah I am and then they're like I don't even know you speak English in real life like it's called acting like did you really think Matt Damon was Chinese like what's wrong with you I don't know what the disconnect is like if a white actor does a British accent he's a thespian he wins an Oscar I do a Chinese accent I'm automatically from the old country representation matters man a lot of Asian people coming up to me very proud very nice they're like Jimmy thank you for representing the Asians man yeah I'm like hey you're welcome but you do understand it's not really a choice right when you wake up Asian you can only represent Asians I couldn't just wake up when they don't represent Nigerians today I'm proud to represent Asians but at the same time there's so much pressure like nobody ever want to be like hey man things will representing the whites sounds weird that's like a different conversation for some reason you know if somebody came up to me like hey Jimmy I'm representing for the whites I would leave that town immediately and never come back so much pressure to represent I got to be a good Asian everywhere now I got a tip Everywhere I Go that was one of the major advantages of being Asian is I can just pretend I don't know how to tip Chinese tip is Chinese tip it doesn't matter how big your bill is you tip two dollars that's a check Chinese to I Gotta Give every Uber driver a five-star Ranger so I can be a good representative everywhere I go I gotta represent even day to day even the bedroom I gotta represent after I hooked up with this one girl this is what she said to me she was like Jimmy um I don't know how to tell you this but you're the first Asian guy I've ever been with I'm like okay what do you want a fortune cookie like [Music] doing Street Fighter fight why do you feel the need to say that this one girl said this so disrespectful this is what she said to me after we hooked up she was like Jimmy um I'm just glad the stereotype's not true you don't have a small penis damn I understand you just insulted my entire race of people but thank you first of all thank you for thinking that idea of a small penis and we still had sex we pee nightmares I love all Asian people man it was the best but why are all old Asian people always stretching in the park about 250 old Asian people all doing this at the same time what are they doing and my dad was trying to explain to me he's like oh they warming up to do tai chi I'm like for how long and ironically Tai Chi is a warm-up in itself so they're warming up to warm up for nothing and I think to a lot of Americans like people think that Tai Chi is some like exotic Chinese secret some Oriental art no Tai Chi is just exercise for people who are too old to exercise things you know it's like super simple martial's old people for like an hour and I learned how to do tai chi very simple and getting up at the same time you guys seem skeptical to demonstrate simple all you got to do you get any little stance right okay and then you wipe down a window and now you're gonna [Music] and then you lift their head up because you're a gentleman you know that's Tai Chi thank you that's not exoticized these Asian things it's just old people reminiscing about the days when they got stuff that's it you got to take advantage of it so these all these all these like Asian stereotypes you know people's gonna exoticize us that's fine whenever somebody asks me do something I don't want to do I just make up a fake Chinese holiday now it's like hey Jimmy can you help me move next Monday I'm like Monday that's the Dragon Boat lychee Boba Fest of a dog I can't can't just help you move my grandfather died for that you understand and if People's gonna assume that I don't speak English that's fine that's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops I just pretend I don't speak English haven't gotten a ticket in five years last time I got pulled over the cop was knocked on my window he's like sir you do understand you can't make a right turn here it says right there in a sign you can't make a right turn so I just looked up at him I was like oh I don't know I'm sorry but the English not very good so I cannot read the design and he was really confused he just looked back down at me he was like sir the sign is not in English it's a diagram so I don't understand how that's a language barrier so I just looked up at him I was like oh I don't know but do you know today is the Dragon Ball light ship like I'm finally I'm like quasi famous now it's really changed I might get a free appetizer and select PF Changs that's about it nothing's really changed I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago this is a true story but now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder like like now when I do match with a girl she doesn't believe that it's me like uh that's not you that's not you're not that guy from this thing and that thing I'm like who the is using me as a fake profile you gotta dig real deep to use me man I feel like there's so many better choices out there one time one time my agent told me that I had a good look and I'm like thanks dude I appreciate that but then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking I still don't know what the okay that's Hollywood talk I don't I don't listen to that I understand that in real life I'm like super good looking if you're into anime you got to get it when you fit in people one time I went over to the girl's house she she has this like Naruto anime poster in her bedroom I knew I was that night you gotta know your demo people who don't need Tinder anymore we'll just go to BTS concerts so I will do that parking lot pimping I've been thinking a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful no no I I think tall women are beautiful but some of them like to wear heels that's just disrespect five inches taller than me why the are you wearing heels and she's like it makes my ass look better I'm like your ass is at my eye level right now neither of us look good okay I look like a child and you look like a child molester last time last time I took a tall girl to this concert I don't know if you guys know this but apparently tall people have fun at concerts are you guys aware of that I'm five five I just go to Constance to smell other people's armpits the point of this she was having a time in her life doing what I've taught people doing concerts you know jumping around obstructing other people's views seeing everything I was frustrated I had enough so I just looked up at her I was like hey pick me up I know I'm becoming an adult finally because now my favorite TV show is fixer upper on HGTV that's the greatest show of all time you guys watch it chip and Joanna Gaines fixer-upper to go right it's it's a great show like it's really a beautiful relationship Joanna does all the interior decorating and she brings it on furniture makes the house look amazing and Chip just hires Mexicans to do everything from it's the most symbiotic American relationship ever and it's a really nice show it's a feel-good show right it's an aspiring show you watch the show and you're like man one day maybe my house could look that nice if I move to Waco Texas and move to Waco Texas maybe I can have a new open concept kitchen foreign and I watched the show and I just get frustrated because you get like these like entry-level job having people in Texas and they're like Joanna we're looking for a six bedroom house three acres of land and our budget's fifty thousand dollars I can't even buy a crack house in Compton for 50. because when you're 15 you're crazier dreams you know you watch MTV Cribs and you're like oh man one day I hope I can have a Lamborghini one day I hope I can have a fridge with only Gatorades oh man one day I wish I could just fix this roof look I'm doing like Fine By Any measure you know but I still live in a one bedroom apartment because that's rent controlled and when Asian people when we find a good deal we're never letting that go passed on my nephew his kids and all that it's mine now basically I don't want to buy a house I live by myself and I'm scared of ghosts I've seen enough movies to know that ghosts only haunt houses I've seen enough Hollywood movies to know that ghosts only haunt rich people's houses in the suburbs preferably with a newborn baby because they got way too much to lose high stakes I live by myself I ain't got nothing to lose a ghost come haunt me I just move whereas I lose my security deposit you know follow me from unit to unit start knocking on my life fixtures and I'm like hey dog go ahead it's not my mind wrong we both get evicted okay like you don't want to be a homeless ghost and if you really think about it what kind of loser goes haunt an apartment that means that ghost probably died in that apartment he'd even die a homeowner I ain't got no respect for that he comes home man just start talking to him like Hey dog where's the credit score when he died though like for real I was born in Hong Kong any Hong Kong people a couple of us awesome man for you guys that haven't been following the news Hong Kong is a part of Japan I'm joking obviously but I set the same Kansas City and people were like really there's some new today bill I did a show in Kansas City I don't know why either City like they're racist or anything like that but they're just like curious like they're watching me like they're watching an episode National Geographic and a package wrath just ran by and they're like oh never seen one of those in real life looks Majestic this one kid in Kansas City came up to me after the show very nice kid this is what he said he was like ah Jimmy I thought you were really funny man um I don't mean to offend you that's when you know you're about to get offended it's like I don't mean to offend you but when I first saw your poster I thought you were gonna play the violin I was like I do they're just not right now see I gotta say I got some of the nicest crowds in the business I I rarely ever get heckled and one time I was talking about how I used to play the violin old Chinese lady sitting in the front just stood up and screamed out first chair or second chair my fifth chair actually fifth chair very good it wasn't good it wasn't good I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong I grew up very stereotypically in Hong Kong like like my real name is not even Jimmy that's my English name my real name is man Shing and Cantonese Man Singh it stands for 10 000 success and now I'm telling jokes I'm doing tai chi on stage so I mean it was just kind of like an arbitrary English name that just sounded easy he named himself Richard I was like Dad why'd you name yourself Richard he was like because I want to be rich older brother Roger after the James Bond actor Roger Moore my brother hated that name he was like man it makes me sound like an old white guy So eventually he changed his own name to Roy so now he sounds like an older white guy and now his full name is Roy Rogers oldest white guy to ever White I grow very stereotypically man I didn't play basketball football I grew up playing ping pong pretty like fun summer camp space camp my dad sent me to a ping pong training camp in Guangzhou China foreign I almost died it was a hundred kids competing for one spot on the national team it was basically Fortnight with ping pong paddles we took that seriously though my dad would take me to every practice every Tournament game and he always tried to give me a pep talk before every game but you know Asian parents they're way too honest so every pep talk just turned into an insult like he'll come up to me be like Jimmy out you're going to play well okay even though you're slow even though you're weak and you suck and then he would just walk away I was very good at math that's a big Asian stereotype I think there's some truth to that not because of some weird genetic thing just because our parents care so much more about mathematics and academics right you guys seen it you guys seen those like Kumon Learning Centers and those strip malls know are basically detention camps or young Asian children foreign but it's not really smiling thank man my parents are way too cheap to send me to Kumon they got a different strategy they never let me use a calculator until I turned 15. so I can work on my brain function that's an old school Chinese strategy you know so when I turned 15 it was a very special occasion it was basically my Quinceanera my dad just gave me a TI-83 Plus [Applause] and he looked me in the eyes and he was like you're a woman now okay but when you care when your parents tell you can't do something what do you do you Rebel right so when I was 14 years old I stole my brother's calculator I stole Roy Rogers calculator and I locked myself in my room and I started rebelling I started doing math homework other kids were like around with like alcohol and drugs I was up some problems you know lock myself in a room I was just punching in numbers I was like oh man this feels great you know so wrong it's awesome my dad was pissed he was knocking the outside the door he doesn't like locked doors in the house and he was screaming he was like cheer me up Jimmy what are you doing inside come out right now I know you're using a calculator come on right out I was so scared I didn't know what to do and he unlocked the door and he came in I wanted the full panic mode so I just threw away the calculator and I pulled out my pants circuit off it off and he came in and he looked at me and they looked at the math homework and he was like good good very good very good very good you must have really like a mess that's good because there's nothing there's nothing that will make your Asian father more proud than to see a son jerk off to his math homework but my mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size and extra small so that wasn't very wasn't very cool because it came down mid thigh and the same kid next to me that bully next to me he's like hey hey don't worry who's the gay one now but I didn't know what to do everybody was looking at me and this kid kept saying pull your pants down so I was like I've seen Shawshank Redemption maybe that's just how it works in America so I started pulling down my shorts all the way down on my knees all the way down to my ankle and that same kid the bully next to me is like hey what are you doing don't pull him down all the way that's gay and I'm like what is not gay in this country and apparently this other kid next to me is like hey don't pull him down all the way just sag them a little bit just sag your pants and I didn't know what sagging your pants meant apparently that's a cool hip-hop thing to pull your pants down halfway down your butt so you show everybody apparently that's the only not gay way to wear your pants in America I had no idea all these weird American things I wasn't used to eventually I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV mainly bet Rap City because that was my I want to be cool and nothing cooler than bet rap city right every music video was a slice of somebody's American Dream the first music video I saw was Jay-Z's Big Pimpin you guys remember that Jay-Z's Big Pimpin was the greatest music video of all time it's Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman's face for like four minutes I was like this is America it's amazing that's all I wanted to do like before I even wanted to get in the standard but that's all I want to do I want to be a rapper I want to be like Jay-Z and Big Pimpin so I started my own rap group in high school it's a true story it was me my black friend Julian and my other friend Yuji who was half black and half Japanese so we had perfectly one and a half black dudes and one and a half Asian dudes and we called ourselves the yellow Panthers I know I wish I was making that up but I'm not the yellow Panthers was a real rap group and we had a real rap song it was called Underground Railroad Builder I was confused eventually I became a good Asian American and I wanted school to get an economics degree the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents but then after I graduated I didn't want to do like econ or Finance so I got one up to my dad I was like Dad I don't want to do any of this I want to go try and do stand-up I was like what's a what's a stand-up you mean like a talk show I was like yeah sure talk show whatever you want to call it okay but I want to go first pursue my dreams and he was like no foreign your dreams how you become homeless it's different now we're in America okay in America we're supposed to do what we love he was like no everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love see I'm like like generation but my my parents they're like negative nine generation they're so freaking Chinese like it's really hard for me to watch TV with my dad because he's trying to make me explain everything to him and first of all all Asian people they don't watch TV they judge the TV this is like I'm just sitting next to my dad on the couch and he's wearing his like old Asian man costume which is just a wife beater and tighty whities judging the TV light [Music] he just makes random noises around the house now whenever he sneezes it's never just sneeze it's like a whole tsunami of sound waves it comes after it's just like oh chill oh I'm like what that just happened what was that and he doesn't understand what I'm saying half the time he's like okay okay and he's trying to make me explain everything to him on TV do you understand how we're just sitting there my dad was like oh Jimmy I what I mean when he said Lamborghini Mercier what the hell and I'm like cat he's bragging about his car it's a Lamborghini Murcielago very expensive car you know what that is right it was like oh okay okay yes yes that's when you know they have no idea what he just said okay okay yes he has a Lamborghini okay what did he mean when he say your chicken she's so thirsty or what the heck foreign that he's making fun of somebody's girlfriend okay saying like she likes attention from other guys and she likes to do stuff with them you know like jobs and such and he's like oh okay okay yes yes yes so okay I'm thirsty too okay so I was like oh God no got lost in translation I don't know if you guys know this but uh I came from an acting family but it's not really like Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight I guess I'll be Angelina Jolie in that equation I like that fine if you think my life's so easy why don't you go to some open call Auditions and you understand how hard it is how much rejection I face every day at my job he was like okay foreign and he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything I called little daddy xiaobapa half a billion people watched that show it's like the big Bang's theory of China and Richard blew up and he was like this isn't easy I don't know look there's nothing wrong with Whole Foods matter of fact it's too nice and Asian people we don't like to pay for atmosphere have you guys been to a Chinese grocery store there's a piece of fish still flopping around the floor half the place is an aquarium oh why you ever pay for your kids to go to Sea World when you just take them to the ranch 99 for free [Applause] that's a good deal [Music] that's a great deal Asian people who don't buy organic we don't we don't believe in organic labeling we better still see swimming or still walking that's organic to us that's the only way we know all my friends in La all my hipster friends they're like Jimmy you gotta eat organic man those regular stuff you eat that growth hormones in them it's gonna kill you I'm like really growth hormones wait a minute he's trying to tell me I've been eating growth almost all my life and I'm still five five and I shop at gab kids get out of here I'll pay extra for growth hormones get me to the GMO only section you know all this organic stuff in America is getting out of control it's not just organic food you got like organic bed sheets organic hand soap I don't know about you guys but growing up in my very Chinese family hand soap wasn't even a thing hand soap used to be that piece of leftover soap that my dad's been washing for two months and he just puts her the soul counter you walk by you rub with two fingers on it for good luck that was that was handsome nobody got sick it was fine once in a while you got a piece of pube so what now his oh so fancy it's got its own aisle at the grocery stores because it's not about washing your hands anymore it's a status symbol we go to our friend's house and judge how well they're doing but what kind of hand soap they got we've all done this you go to your friend's house he's got that green bar soap that says zest on it that guy's a peasant don't associate yourself that kind of animal he's going to ask you for money you know what I mean and then next level up you got like the two dollar bottle of soft soap with a fish or the watermelon on it you know I like that family that's the backbone of America it's the middle class Honda Civics of soaps appreciate that and then next level up you got a soap that's so fancy it doesn't mean to spend soap it dispenses foam which is just so filled with air for an extra six dollars bottom because as an American society we decided we're way too good to rub our own two hands together to create our own form and rather Outsource that foaming action to some poor Chinese kid in Guangzhou China to perform it for us make America foam again people okay my mom eventually caved in and she bought the two dollar bottle of soft soap with a fish on it but she's so Chinese she's been watering it down for six years now and now it's just a bottle of water with a fish on it doesn't do because it's a good deal make fun of my parents but at the end of the day I love them very much I think we all do right but Asian people we don't ever say I love you to each other that's just not our thing one time I got high and I called my mom I was like Mom just want to tell you Mom I love you and you can hear her start like crying on the other side of the line she was like oh yeah do you have a cancer [Music] [Applause] like about 10 years ago I went on a college trip to Tijuana Mexico because that's just what a good American college student would do and the thing is walking into Mexico from the US they don't check anything they're just big revolving door you walk right in they don't check your ID it's easier to get into Mexico than a Costco you just walk in but coming back was a totally different story coming back from Mexico to the US there's no more revolving doors now it's a Concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M16 machine guns and I was super nervous being an immigrant and all and my college buddy Ian next to me he was like Jimmy don't worry man just just tell the American they let you ride through I'm like easy for you to say Ian Ian walks up he gets to no prom I walk up the first thing they ask me they're like sir are you an American citizen I was like yes but I forgot one very minor detail that I wasn't card and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet next thing you know I was detained in this 10 by 10 box and they started interrogating me they're like sir why did you lie about your American citizenship I was like I'm so sorry I'm drunk and I really wasn't trying to lie my friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American so that's just what I did it was a knee-jerk reaction he was like well was he American [Music] I was like well his name is Ian so probably and then the officer was like sir you do understand this is a very serious offense we could Deport you for this I was like Deport me I didn't even know that was an option what was I going to do back in Hong Kong restart my ping pong career that ship has sailed man so I was like sir please please don't Deport me I'm just drunk stupid college student I'm every bit American I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to see football leagues if that's not American I don't know what it and I got very lucky this is what he said he was like look kid you got lucky we're not going to deport you today okay but just don't ever do that again or we send you back to where you came from and this was Asian we came from the same place don't gonna throw me under the bus that guy definitely watched a great wall many times the point but I still wasn't American nothing has changed I finally got my citizenship three years ago and it's you know just because I got a new passport nobody in any part of the world is going to come up to me and be like hey look there's an American you look just like Rocky Balboa oh my God no no no the first day I got my passport I was feeling real patriotic so I went to my local Hooters Nicole and I was like man I'm cheering for Team USA I'm American finally and this old Mexican dude came up to me he couldn't really speak English and this is what he said he was like amigo amigo Mexico Korea tomorrow huh Ellen what the are you talking about what are you trying to start world war three or something I'm not even Korean he managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew so I really felt the need to explain myself I was like sir I'm I'm not I'm not Korean I'm Chinese and they look back to his friends he's like oh Benji chanito huh and I'm like sir you do know that I can understand what that means okay I have Mexican friends back home just like you he was like no I'm not Mexican I'm El Salvador I'm like oh great now I'm the racist [Applause]

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 3,951,849

Keywords: entertainment, comedy, comedians, humor, Comedy Dynamics, sketch, stand up comedy, funny, comedy video, comedy central, laugh factory, just for laughs, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, LSOLCDS1E049

Id: pK8C_int2sU

Length: 39min 15sec (2355 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 25 2023