Jay Leno's Headlines - 1998

hi everybody it's the first monday of the new year and it's time for headlines oh good i thought this was this is from the billings gazette in billings montana look at that in 2025 montanans will be older i'm guessing maybe 27 years old saw this for sale in a store look it's real plastic not that fake plastic snow you know you always wonder what causes fat kids what's the real reason besides the obvious well here it is right here look overeating causes fat i love this one look get in the spirit of christmas boy and what says it better oh yeah it's robert de niro in the reindeer hunter oh i thought this is interesting help wanted this is the northwoods traitor help want a good typist to transcribe top secret documents must be unable to read well women are gonna go nuts for this look at this capture attention in this wildly stylish leopard caftan oh but look at the good look at the benefit look one size fits all hey this is a little tight on me chicago sun times three-bedroom danbury model at hidden lake now people kid or they laugh when they hear this subject you know this is what you need to cure it nitro may help hemorrhoidal pain i think that's called preparation h-bomb i guess there's a market for everything baby items look huggies used diapers for sound but what are you saving really i like this miscellaneous for sale look 600 i'll give you a 400 for it i mean what do you figure 600 is worth wave it proudly celebrate every patriotic holiday look at that i like the last word imported well so really not only does it not look like the american flag it's not even made here i love this stuff emergency services look at this uh look at this lower duck pond uh ashland the police respond to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at 11 20 a.m the officer cited a resident for the loose dogs the ducks refused medical treatment and left the area we'll be fine you know why the doctor you know why the ducks refused medical treatment don't you kevin no the doctor was a quack that's why he did it yeah it's jay's circus a comedy here's a look at this there's a wrecked rottweiler for sale total in the rear can't dig anymore but still can fertilize so there you go slightly damaged dog but i'm telling you it's a heck of a deal i guess the tommy lee pamela lead tape is out all right it's beauty and the brass lady here's why you buy tv guide here's why you don't use your local listings because they never get it correct look what's playing at eight o'clock look it's grace under soul man restaurants are always good what is this one here's the i like the top one there the salty dog look it's a thinly sliced prostitute with american cheese here's the silver mirror breakfast omelettes look at the top one another look look at this a bowl of oatmeal yeah oh boy boy that's a oh please no more oh oh i'm stuffed oh kev you gotta try the bowl of oatmeal oh you make it sound so advertising and of course if you're really hungry you can always go to this place look bartender full-time days experience at the anus steakhouse you know bill i don't understand we got good food why isn't anyone coming to the anus steakhouse it just seems the food is delicious there must be something about the place it just turns people off now folks hi folks welcome back it's monday night time for headlines you know how could you get this wrong this is the niagara gazette from last week how do you get this one doesn't anybody proofread look at this headline elway gets another shot broncos to take on 49ers in super bowl 32. oh man somebody's not paying attention you know a lot of people get ripped off at super bowl time you know people bad tickets and you know terrible people travel hundreds of miles and like this ad here hope nobody was fooled by this look star super bowl accommodations so please don't no don't don't be fooled rather ironic headline job creation organization lays off five the arizona republic tv week look at the tonight show with jay leno can you go look what it says starring right there of course on abc i was like when people have stuff left over and they try to pawn it off on the public huffmaster valentine party wear yeah does it look like old christmas stuff one of my favorite law firms ladies and gentlemen they specialize in personal injury my favorite look it's i like these guys ogle and worm yeah i am ogle he's worm and look what they serve they're proudly serving the flathead valley whatever that is here's a sale there's a 96 buick regal 11 000 it's so cheap because there's a howitzer shot in the door yeah uh you know i don't know a lot about european food kev you've been to europe a number of times have you ever had this look at this bakery is selling fresh baked bastards what is that what is that supposed to be am i wrong that's pretty good pretty good pretty good oh detergent tied ultra or of course new cheese ultra let me try that one okay now here's what happens when a company does not have a marketing department you know you go out you find out what the public will buy here's new 666 cold preparation ah now you feel like hell try this new 666 call february see you mr devlin he'll take care of it why don't we call it our old one burning hell mouthwash that didn't work either let's try six at least go 999. now here's air abrasion the new technique to remove decay from your teeth look at their slogan it's drillless painless and needless here's my favorite one this is so stupid special limited one-time offer small fountain drink free with the purchase of a new home oh i didn't want to buy that ranch house i was so thirsty i just like it's a small drink can i have a large i'm sorry sir so you want to read the ad oh a small drink didn't read the fine print screw it again well here's a take a look at this it might take a second to figure this out this killed me this is the gerber wrench knife rare factory error now look at the knife now you see you see the size of the bolts you see you you tighten the bolt by gripping the blade of the knife it said we realized we made a mistake here is the boldest ad i have ever seen in my life wanted assorted females of any race age or color for prostitution but at least the man does not discriminate you know it's nice nice to see time's changing thank you very much here are prune juice wafers get the benefits of a bag full of prunes in one tasty wafer why kev i know you're a vegetarian it's too bad because you're missing out you're missing out on this it's a land of frost thin sliced lunch meats ass variety infertility why can't we get pregnant i'm no doctor could be some kind of genetic flaw well it's time for weddings let's see these are real people getting married around the country you just happen to have happily or gratefully whatever unusual names look at these two celebrating their wedding anniversary it's the damn 50th year here's alison gott and andrew mayo it's the got mail wedding there's the shot putts winning how about the scratcher lincoln wedding it's the crow scaring wedding crummy sweat winning i like this couple here they look happy they're the daffy duckman wedding i like these two here look it's the yellow belly wedding yeah there's the lover honeyman wedding the may breed love it's the jab in pain it's the laymore wedding and this one here oh man i can't believe this one it's the reamer and outwitting tonight time for olympic headline someone sent me this i think this is albion college this is their little brochure they put out i thought this was fascinating obtain hands-on experience before you graduate look go to this school and you can become a college intern and get your dad to pay for it i'm gonna save that one you know i'm not a big finance guy and then i guess you have to put it this plainly for some people understand look paying off the mortgage puts an end to monthly payments so what you're saying is if i pay for the house well here's one we always get these i love this one no gas leak found at taco bell just fight bad odor oh so what could the problem be bob hand me another burrito supreme i can't what could the problem be there you go the huntington learning center help you child do better in school what's the matter with you child here's the armand bayou elementary school field oh it's the elementary school field day participation oh kevin i know you i saved this one for you kev because i know you like stereo equipment and all things like that here's an eight-track tape player needs needle got a call on him we should call us and get this thing uh oh here's something i didn't know look absency absentee votes can be made impressive you know something we do all these clinton jokes you know you know hillary has been traveling around the world and you know i don't think it's quite as innocent this is from a brazilian newspaper october 3rd when hillary is in brazil here she is being greeted by one of the dignitaries look at this photo hey shut up i'll go feeling sorry for hillary probably he's got her own party gone i thought this is an interesting saturday dog show sunday flea market you know i always wonder who do you put the blame where do you go here it is right here look at this crack smokers to blame for smoking crack these are babies of 97 all babies born here there's uh paul wayne wilcox khalib somebody riley i like the second look at the second baby's name root beer belly well that kid's not gonna get beat up every day in school i guess some people are really stupid they got this is an ad for barbie it says doll not included most dolls cannot pedal bikes i'm a little disappointed i bought off my kid i thought they could go riding together more government money at work here you go folks thousands of dollars spent on this study tickling causes laughter i need help booming business product everyone needs pot make 10 grand a month there's a guy here's an enterprising young man you know his parents probably called him lazy his big sale i have used pizza boxes tons of them they're all over my room cheap well it's just i hate to keep picking on the man but let me tell you folks you know it just gets worse and worse every time you think there's one scandal with clinton look here's another one look at this cops bust 115 at cockfight in clinton home look at that we got some weddings these are real people they're real names that just happen to get married there's the more moose wedding there's the fine loving women there's the doer right ready how about the okay you win wedding okay kind of a kinky couple here look it's the keister savage wedding there's the uh getting johnson wedding old enough i can't even what is this old enough to plow our wedding there's the english lane wedding i like this couple it's the nail and basham wedding and i know what this means is just a silly name it's the dicker off schlepper wedding club's monday night time for headlines someone sent me this sent me this here let me show you the first the outside this is called tota toilet it's a portable toilet it looks just like a cardboard box to me but i like the attractive sales technique they use that guy well that'll make me buy it right there yeah that'll make you buy it i gotta have one now here's an interesting headline volunteerism should be made mandatory we're not getting enough volunteers this is sort of typical headlining repeated stress can be stressful i notice you've got a lot of stress yeah well here's irony irony classic irony here you go right there paychecks for postal workers get lost in mail there you go this amazed me uh first look at the picture okay melvin fire chief roger ward stands outside his fire gutted home ford was going through the continent's tuesday he was treated for smoke inhalation of minor burns and he's smoking a cigarette he's the fire chief his house burned down he had smoke inhalation i need a cigarette a friend of mine was working on his house he bought one of these it's a homes bathroom heater see this is bathroom heater okay there's an instruction manual go to number eight this product not to be used in bathrooms irony not always funny but ironic okay here's a computer look it's got a word spell dictionary the fact that dictionary is spelled yes this man here was arrested for driving erratically you're turning me on following that dress you know they say all all the high-tech jobs are gone no not true folks part-time jobs available you can qualify if you can use a tv remote control wait a minute you know i'm pretty good with one of those there you go tomatoes product of mexico red juicy california grown here's a product that was invented by a guy four guys women if you didn't think guys were slobs before here's something every guy in america will buy full size adult clothing protector look at that just sit there hey another brewster i love this one now this is now this is for cookware see it's all the cookware is a whole big ad you see this thing flips up here read the guarantee ellen go in close it's small print but go in real close there you go there you go just hold it up to america in latin oh boy eagle you like furniture you know there's nothing like look at this folks right here genuine italian polyester mamma mia that's a genuine italian of polyester oh look at this economical do-it-yourself incest control answer above you you spray that on grandpa if he comes around honey you just hit grandpa in the eye a couple of shots he won't come around anymore princess control again i'm not familiar with this particular item maybe some of the women are i don't know chantilly selected panty nose i don't think i want to know hmm oh here you go luxury home so you got to be the fine print now here's a home here 425 000 it's a lot of money but look the home is actually kev what's up jay kev i don't know how serious you are about hair growth but look fuller thicker hair look at this yes i should try it man here's something i didn't know look did you know men run a greater risk of prostate cancer you know my wife has no problem with this area at all what do we got here what's that one more all right well here there's a little bit of a run here uh these last couple of these are sort of washington ones internships in washington dc gain hands-on experience you see there's nothing clinton can do everything he says now has a sexual connotation look at this this is from the sunday news tribune will not go south for the president there's another headline clinton's sex life irrelevant to his position and finally from the waco tribune herald president's staff rises to defense you know everybody has seen titanic it's made over a billion dollars everybody knows who's in it well i just thought here's an ad a little synopsis of the movie titanic look directed by james cameron looks starring leonardo da vinci ladies apparently he got cut out of the movie somewhere a long time i always like when they feel they have to clarify these things look here's the uh green germs sell safety agriculture like dan glickman and healthier townshilla meet with mmm friday green germ is at the right i guess a lot of men do not know this look map can help determine location from the casper star tribune i guess that would be wyoming i guess it's a lovely place a lot of not maybe not a lot of news but look gravity at fault for most accidents involving falling on you i am not familiar with this particular product as advertised carnivorous pants clinton have some of that never mind here's the oasis behavioral health services it's a mental health place i guess the doctor sadly named brent looney hello dr looney yes this is carnation instant breakfast mmm creamy milk chocolate look at this and it's green you know let me ask you a question if you have a dog do you make your dog whatever religion you are like if you're a christian your dog is a christian right if you're jewish your dog is jewish don't people do that well look what you can get here this made me laugh sad look at this dog sabbath dog look what you can get it's a yarmulker for your dog i guess that dog would be a bagel look at the dog the dog there's no bigger lie than car ads you know look at this 90 79 jeep renegade texas truck look what it says never seen snow i love these two ads look need six thousand dollars we'll pay back seven thousand dollars on a 90-day promissory note jack look at the ad below free ride to texas you help me drive leaving february first jack oh here you go tv listings best bets diagnosis murder read this film in the catholic gifford play talk show host and one kills the other not a true story now poor clinton you know every time he's in the paper look here you go actual headline sex is popular clinton pole said president may be exposed i like this one here president clinton is preparing americans for possible airstrikes against iraq uh you can read this one for yourself dog's name incorrect in the wendy's edition of the time speaking yoon they misspelled the name of a dog photographed playing in the ways on lake shore drive the dog's name is broadway just want to make sure you know that apparently the dog complained the other dog's friends saw it here's something this guy's come up with a line of trays which you put your thumb through to carry the tray you love the idea it doesn't look particularly appetizing on the plate police beat a lincoln man failed to slip through a police dragnet despite the fact he was hiding his head in a bucket of manure pretty clever criminals all right holiday break need a break after the holidays look call and ask for the whole two race ones here's an eye doctor dr vincent cu and here's a very unfortunate realtor coldwell bankers i'm sure he's a lovely man but look his name is mr f you let me tell you something yes yes this is fu well you too buddy listen about that house you sold me folks it's monday night time for headlines now see here's where this headlines can do a real public service kev you know we do this for humorous reasons but we can help the public locate someone then i feel i've accomplished something this is uh this person has an armed robbery at the union springs express mart now the police have put out this color composite of what the person looks like so if you've seen this man please he is wanted in a robbery apparently apparently that is uh i believe that's skeletor so you've seen that oh my here's something interesting i had no idea look at this it says christ's birth is central theme of christmas eve services you know what's chansey let's try it now i'm trying to understand this one this is a lovely woman polly miller says works in the kitchen of saint stephen's school preparing the school's annual soup festival it's five dollars four dollars for adults two for children those attending are asked to bring their own soup and bowl okay so what are we getting really bring your own soup bring your own bowl four bucks okay there's the rio hotel casino employees two of whom are wearing bags over their heads in fear of being fired apparently the other guy just looks like that dog or cat urine stains get them out by going to this store can you go in close look it's planet urine what a lovely name you know i think it's great when someone can do a wrong and then turn their life around i know kev you're way too modest but look at this kevin eubanks was sentenced to three years in prison for passing a bad check yet that wasn't me what it wasn't me it says kevin eubanks oh man you were a bad check at the walmart that you bought with me man 205 dollars worth of yani albums it's just maybe worth no i feel this is not you oh i feel bad now oh you do i've ruined your name you know you know the ellen show a lot of these programs have really changed the traditional way we view romance look at this look at this ad here win a romantic trip for three look at this guy this guy here this guy this guy here was holding a group of hostages he's fried chicken meal helps hostages now this guy released the hostages on the understanding he get 12 pieces of kentucky fried chicken and coleslaw look at the guy i think he had a lot more than 12 pieces there oh boy those cops drive a hard bargain all right i will give you 11 pieces i want 12 pieces of chicken all right give it to him here's the here's this minister's biography one solitary life look at the story he was born in an obscure village the child of a pheasant woman apparently spent his entire life under glass ladies and gentlemen folks any customers and mr mike's attention all mr mike customers the incident with the stabbing which occurred on january 29th was in the city of sarnia parking lot not mr mike so please if you saw that stabbing forget about it it was next door silver non-stick 12-inch stir-fry pan no sticking nose carrying easy clean do not use anybody buy one of these tabletop charcoal grill okay that says at the top look at the first direction do not place on top of any table tips for job interviews now this is important young people going for that first job now here let me first look at the do's tips or do is have a one-page resume dress appropriately have good hygiene be enthusiastic look at don'ts don't go to the interview with a gun i'm not here's another case here's where we teach two different things to young people at the same time this is the same page the west minnesota paper here look it says study show look at the top studies show marijuana use increasing in today's youth you say why why is that happening go right below same page jerry go see a post-it stamp creates collector stampede okay well let's do some weddings first show the headline at the bottom of this sherry duval lawrence tisdale tie the knot in elegant style can you see that and pan up look at the elegant style he's wearing just a good wrench he's wearing a white mr good ranch hat to match of course the mike tucks and tails very elegant mr goodrich okay here's the these are interesting names that got married here's the head trip wedding here's a couple in it for the long haul there's the young quick wedding hopefully he'll get better this woman doesn't appeal to be smiling well sure look why it's the small wonder wedding okay there's the man stank wedding could be problems here at the wiener block wedding there's the crab grabber wedding i like this one look it's the dickey whitener wedding or you could go to the chuck peters wedding i like this couple it's the go forth and sprinkle wedding here's the petum daily wedding or the hefty johnson wedding oh finally wind up with this one look the english lay wedding they are right there hi everybody it's tuesday night time for headlines uh this is not technically a headline uh we lost the name i think this person sent us a potato who they say looks like me you be the judge alrighty this is from the associated press i couldn't have said it better look at this headline here people think aliens must be more smarter than us yeah wonder where they get that idea you know folks i tell you you know the drug problem is unbelievable you always hear about florida stuff being smuggling look how bad it's got look at this cocaine traffic shifts back to florida look at can you pull out there ellen look at the look at that i mean that is just unbelievable that is just way way too much drugs well there's don gardner here this uh he's a farmer and look at this there's don gardner and his wife ally yeah she's already she sure can't cook you're saying that yeah she's ugly yeah but she sure can cook literally just like that that wasn't joe text wasn't it yeah she's ugly here you go here's ann nina volunteer of the colorville animal shelter holding simon a full-blooded siamese cat simon is one of the many cute and adorable pets waiting to be adopted look how cute and adorable here's something from the las vegas review liars find it difficult to admit truth you know here's a perfect example of the age we lemon uh it says mccluskey road rage not a problem here look what it says underneath we have sporadic incidents of people pointing guns at each other but i wouldn't call that you know somebody should take this dad aside and sell them the facts of life yeah says strange banging sound in daughter's volvo i thought this was rather interesting and says my dog needs a girlfriend dog to mate only no breeding just says like casual sex i like this one it says mechanic now hiring full-time mechanic must be mechanically inclined oh here's a wheelie dealer look at this ad i guess they're hoping people won't read the whole thing nine foot couch one love seat one overstuffed chair fifteen dollars a piece or take all for free here's the upper keys coin laundry it says key largo florida open unless closed it's a hell of a deal 44.99 gets a black and white tv with a color picture apparently but it's a it's a black and white tv but the pictures of color now brogan you thought this was a great invention every woman thought this was the stupidest thing they had ever seen what woman would use this apply eye makeup perfectly every time look see they're they're magnifying women is broken wrong yes thank you very much apparently you flip it down i don't know look at this here is sichua ma what is that name the sparkling laxative i don't know do you want i really want your laxative to be oh this one i love it says keep ears cozy warm but look what it says underneath compact go off to the side there ellen says compact and stylish oh yeah yeah yeah maybe if you're a klingon one more all right we'll save that one one more here now that apparently presented by the students of cindy johnson apparently they wanted to have a recital apparently somebody couldn't spell this could be a little embarrassing it's the spring rectal folks you don't you don't want to see that last movement on the piano folks monday night time for headlines these are real headlines this is the fort francis times and rainy lake herald it's a big name apparently a pretty slow news day look official plan not yet official this is i like this one here doctor spock passed away 94 years old look what they say good paper reputed child care specialist dr spot the guy wrote 60 million books what is what do you have to do he's 94. of course he's reputed i'm not quite sure i understand this one funeral home brings cheer to senior citizens i don't think so hey hey get away from me i always like chintzy ones look at this here 9.99 five foot outdoor bunny decorations don't those look like old witch costumes somebody stuck a rabbit head on hello look at this one this is a real ad look at this the easter bunny is here kids of all ages are invited to visit the easter bunny at the charming easter carnival display it's pull out there pull out a little bit anyway look at that apparently yeah what are they why don't they dad is taking the kids to the mall sunday i'll bring them down there honey here's a real odd one look it's the easter shoot a run gun come on down kill a couple of bunnies these are question of the week what are you doing for spring break let me show you how kids have changed now dean this first guy i'm traveling 900 miles two friends to stay in a trailer park in the laramie wyoming next guy jesse i'm going to new orleans because they've been there for i like sarah webber i'm going home to work my corner and get some fast cash because i'm broke i'm sure her parents are very proud for some reason people just can't let animals be animals here's another stupid animal product look at this warm your your cold dog's feet dog yeah good luck getting your dog to walk around in that assuming he hasn't broken all four legs by this point is mom's odor eliminator look at that look the natural mineral removes strong dead cat odors from a new cadillac in two days you know you know people are putting dead cats in your cadillac i think you got bigger problems you know this lexus is a pretty hot automobile a lot of women are buying them they go why are women buying this lexus what's the hot thing why um here we go 95 lexus got everything including look climax control there you go well that's right just set that baby for cruise i'm taking you so long to get to work in the morning honey oh i don't know a lot of traffic dear look at this leis or ruffles bath tissue they have ridges this i thought was really bizarre kleenex cottonell kleenex double roll four roll look what it says in the corner look for in-store demos on february 28 let me tell you something you know if you don't understand how to use the product by this point just keep away from my shower curtain whatever it is for that old joke here's another one though japanese steakhouse there you go featuring authentic chinese cuisine i love this one here's pete's bale bonding look at this little slogan serving america's finest guy looks like america's finest i mean here you go women you might want to get on this look join the pms pyramid of success here's a new doll 2497 it's newborn now with diaper surprise i wonder what it could be here's a couple god bless and married 60 years norma and ruth uh whitlach just say that's okay can you read what it says there what does it say they have uh they have three children and three on the way that is one strong woman here you go if your collector star trek collector plates assortment 38 dollars each new three years ago asking 20 each the value increases there you go one two and three bedroom apartments cheap rents great locations free used t-shirts why was larry bird such a good bath what made larry special you mean a lot of great athlete what's the one thing he had i think if you look close you can see what it is three hands oh there you go this looks painful police nab assault suspect with revolver in his rear oh ow oh we got a wedding sorry we'll get some weddings all right we'll go to weddings let's see what we have here here you go here you go some good weddings this week these are real people getting married it's the turner right on wedding how about the stucker wright wedding i'm going to save this one with one of our guests look it's the crook gingrich wedding what is that we'll say that one what is that all about here's the agent booty wedding i kind of like this one it's the freaking clots wedding got it we're having a freaking wedding how about this one it's look it's the worm walker wedding whoa here she comes she's a man bender and of course from midland the reporter telegram midland texas it's the drain dickey wedding ladies and gentlemen focus monday night time for headlines here is a uh is just a badly written traditionally bad headline traditional hindu wedding not traditional in the traditional sense what does that mean you know poor president clinton you know since that whole scandal every little thing look at this look at this with the photo store surveillance camera capture sex offender i don't know where see no matter what clinton does people put some sort of sexual connotation on even something as serious as china look i like this one here what is your worst habit there's gene she says making decisions too quickly elaine says i snap gum i like the last guy i don't have any oh yeah what's that in your hand look at this have lovely legs don't let an unsightly spider or varicose veins mar your appearance boy those are beautiful yeah legs bad about that horrible car wreck here's the most honest automobile ad i have ever seen this person should be commended for putting the true mileage 1972 chevy nova actual miles 29 million 222 000 miles thank you here's an odd ad from a supermarket round roast dollar 49 a pound really why is the zebra zebra quite sure here's the ridgewood motel and cottages i like this look what it says here go in the middle of the page it says we offer our motel guests free coffee and donuts in season could i have a doughnut i'm sorry they're not in season now we should come back in the spring when they're when the donuts are being harvested doughnuts in season we have a glaze i'm sorry glaze at the fall donut how embarrassing is this look at this it looks guys guy probably figured we'd open up a restaurant from the vineyards look at that there's some delicious spackling wine ladies and gentlemen you know if you go you know you got a hold of your bathroom at walnut you might want to use some spackling wine we like the number five sparkling wine please and sometimes people come here to from other countries they open restaurants why is number three not selling maybe it's the sweat and sour i like when people make something cheap and they try to make it like a big deal kev you like audio equipment look at this all right look at these quality features look at this look ellen go right in there it says press the power button in the in position to turn power on press the same button once again to turn power up what a quality feature the age we live in oh yeah good luck how many guys how many wives gonna let this sit around the house fun new bikini tv remote oh here's the phoniest one this is so stupid look at this head a natural look get rid of wrinkles naturally now look at the guy okay look at that now look he's just raising his eyebrows eyebrows oh here's 40 of the most romantic love songs from the 50s now look at this and look at some of the songs okay the tennessee wolves i think so that's pretty romantic uh till i walls again with you love letters in the sand then the 40 kind of gets a little lame can you go look down go away and look 16 tons by ernie floyd is that really a romantic song honey you know you look like 16 times here's an ad for now this is odd something called math-a-thon it's easy as abc now it's into me should it be as easy as 1-2-3 why is it abc if it's math oh i love this ad look at the caption look at the picture you show the caption it says students listen intently during an assembly in which principal terry butler discloses yeah those kids are really listening intense i like people giving away things but it's always important they go to a good home look pine cones free to a good home now we don't want to give these to somebody who's going to abuse them you promise to feed the pine cones every day this guy's probably wondering he's not getting any business too look it's the whiz wash car spa i can't understand why nobody's coming in well i know these people realize they're trying to be funny not look at the caption dolly parton has two new reasons to celebrate look at this one three men in a hole in company wasn't tommy davison in that that was a good movie that was a good one three men in the home i think yeah tommy davis and he was funny in that you're good that's the sequel to booty camp i think who do you call whatever it is uh here are some lovely here's some interesting weddings and whatever here's stuck 50 years here's the do it good wedding i like this i like this wedding here look it's the yah look it's the legs flipping wedding yeah yeah legs flipping i wonder if these are country folk look there it's the perky thwang wedding is the nailer young wedding is the superior johnson wedding there's the johnson rising wedding there's the palm gel wedding there's the peter's riding her wedding and my favorite hits the show and butts wedding hey everybody welcome back it's monday night time for headlines already oh boy these drug things are getting younger and younger you know it's a terrible problem look at this slidell and state police arrest four and drug raid look at those guys there you go right there it's a terrible thing who would have guessed oh i like this one here it says this is from the uh what paper is this the richmond times dispatch seeking inner peace there's a yoga tgi i guess you see okay i guess he's seeking inner peace all right look at this guy here apparently yeah maybe his wife bought that when she walked in okay but i'm not honey i'm just seeking inner peace okay you know the definition of irony here it is right here this is irony you ready peanut butter truck get stuck on bridge you look up ironing the dictionary gonna put that right over here next to irony in case we need it later here is the best deal i have ever seen in my entire life either this ad is a mistake or this is the greatest furniture offer in the history of time look at this president's day sale pay nothing now and nothing later now what could be better this is a great deal look at that you get beautiful thomasville furniture pay nothing now and nothing later so just really just show up with a truck i guess you know hot dogs the contents of hot dogs has always been suspicious here ballpark frank's 12 ounce fun meat or beef now i'm not even sure that's sure you know i'm gonna go with the beef i think not quite sure what the fda definition of fun meat is i think i know and i'm not gonna go any further popeyes tuesday half price selling how can popeye sell that chicken at half price well maybe the fact that it's green might have something to do with it i don't know you know maybe people today have a different relationship with their mothers and i did i can't i don't know can you get this for your mom give mom a special gift for mother's day the marabou song really hey mom go try it on ah no doesn't quite work again the age we live in i guess this is commonplace maybe i'm just an old-fashioned guy activities and events attention dads age 12 to 25. let me tell you something okay if you're a dad and you're 12 you're already involved in way too many activities and events as it is okay just just forget about saw this in the uh what do you call it the advertiser section of the paper electric hospital bed with trampoline like that which one you think they bought first here's another deal look at this refrigerator excellent condition but does not cool so what what the man is selling is an upright closet really hmm scientists plan to study why bears cross okay here are those same scientists are working on another project look at this one from the mason county news breathing oxygen linked to staying alive another definition of irony i know this is ironic is the other one this is kind of interesting postal workers angry over anti-aggression training i love this one congratulations to dick and merle graduating top honors in their class of tractor repair how was that yeah but right underneath dick look at this dick was valedictorian with a 1.9 gpa yeah all right dick yeah way to go way to go dick okay we have some uh weddings here's these are people who just have unusual names that have gotten together and gotten married which is lovely here's the hertz bottoms wedding i don't know if i want to see these wedding pictures it's edmund's colon i don't know why this one makes me smile i think i got this invitation i would smile if i got invited to the stanky hanky wedding or you might want to attend the daily feely wedding how about the hulu the hardy wood wedding or if you have time you might want to take in this one here look it's the king schmuck wedding ladies and gentlemen king schmuck wedding and last but not least it's the fast butts nuptial ladies and gentlemen yes sireema welcome back monday night time for headlines oh this interesting headline the headline's not interesting it says prairie dogs face uncertain future it's the quote taken out of the story i sincerely hope prairie dogs don't die out because i enjoy shooting them and he's a wildlife biologist you know people have to learn you know spelling is a huge problem in this country look at this damn construction 92 percent completed brushy cruise but it's not one mistake look at the whole story oh the damn it brushy creek is in there looking down down to the damn site you think this damn should be completed well they're gonna dedicate the damn this damn will not be finished until somewhere like this guy test drive the miata look at the caption let the breeze ruffle your hair the 1999 mazda miata apparently it's uh yeah but now this this looks like sexual harassment to me i don't know i don't know it says uh i'll show you come to work where pants are optional contact mr tiller i don't know this is one of those uh your turn deal says what's the best advice your mother eva ever gave you this guy says stay clean and healthy be a gentleman this older man says i like what the kid says don't drink and drive you're going to be out past 12 call when you see police walk away did your mother who's his mother like mob barkers i listen if you see cops just walk away car ads of this you know look at this look at this trade-in trade-in time your trade-in worth four thousand dollars look at the fine print look at that i needed a microscope if your trading is worth four times i mean i thought this was interesting this guy wonders why he's going out of business look at this says final days 50 70 off going out of business prices smash beyond recognition financing available living room dining room what's the name of the store where is it who's going out of business what's the phone number how do you get there this guy's going what do i have to do this is the police blotter look at april 15 327 taco bell gas odor british study finds less traffic when roads closed you know nigel i got an idea now apparently uh it says residents say water not from a storm that the the water freezes in the winter breaks the storm drain and everything i like with this guy he said the township sewage official walter reidel has determined the ice problem clears up during this and i guess this woman has an arkansas paper maybe this one was a friend of clinton's my drawers are full of memories yeah play that powerball lottery i guess different states i know here in california it was what a hundred million dollars something like that i guess iowa well here's des moines iowa there's a winning number look at that estimated jackpot this i thought was kind of interesting another furniture sale look they've got a chair with a recliner great for your office or car how many people drive with that with the ottoman with your feet up but you know i wonder why there are so many eggs honey handling my lazy boy i got to go to work put that in there and then you put your ottoman up there and oh boy here's another one this is the stupidest thing this isn't even a product to me this is just an idiot thing it says transfer transform your passenger sheet into a mobile office work at peak efficiency on the road it's not called just piling all the junk on the passenger seat look at that maybe have your lazy boy next to you while you're doing that do you ever think of driving when this this is unbelievable to me you know when people don't like somebody look at this guy lawn cutting he cuts lawns if you voted for clinton don't call oh this is the cutest little animal pet of the week look at this this four-month-old chihuahua mix i wonder what uh gee i wonder what the father was that's what i like this is kind of interesting you ever do that you ever like if you're jewish your dog is jewish or if you're catholic your dog is catholic you're italian your dog is italian this made me mad gay person to buy my one-year-old gay male yorkshire terrier four pounds and delicately bone because if you're gay your dog is dead how do you adopt a gay dog in the first place oh i'm going to touch that one let's see what we got here see this product to me i'm sorry this says hemorrhoid release at last not a suppository not an ointment but a new clinically treated method of treating a new way of treating hemorrhoids none of that dangerous chemical stuff look at this look it says relief at last it says cold therapy apparently you freeze this you know how many would rather have the hemorrhoids first and finally i don't know about this headline hey folks it's monday night time for headlines there you go here's the connecticut post you know sometimes the headline rider gets to the root of the problem i guess there's been a lot of truck accidents on the on the thruway there so he came up with this idea eliminating trucks would eliminate truck uh here you go here's another one it's another interesting thing i see you and our leaders get together and put their heads together you know the crime problem a lot of crime going on huh what do you do with criminals look at this guy's idea lawmakers to consider housing felons in jail car ads are a good place look at this 1989 thunderbird v6 automatic transmission brown great and look speak spanish i thought this was interesting channel 7's grand old flag flying a couple of stars short now look at this a 48 star united states flag have been flying over the television station a caller to the rocky mountain news said she brought this full pot to station's attention about a month ago and laughed after being told by representative station no they were flying the regular 51 star flag we're no fools here you go beautiful little home here uh there is a three bedroom family room and bar fence yard all on a quiet street it is not a quiet street except for the railroad tracks on the other side of the street oh the street is quiet police have a tough job ladies and gentlemen look at this from the police blotter june 16th animal complaint the marshall police department responded to cyprus court report of a crazed duck in the area office searched the area only to find relaxed ducks like the cops ducks are gone what is it officer what are you going to do arrest me for smoking drug abuse you know the dare program that's a pretty good thing gets kids off drugs the police are involved with that and here's a list of people involved i thought one of these names made me a little suspicious can you go down there keith richard look at this here you go party time at the sewage treatment plant look at that who wants to go to a treatment plant for a cookout then it goes on about water quality awareness week and look at the bottom in addition to the cookout the event will include guided tours a moonwalk and look a dump tank oh boy what fun that would be a dunk tank at the sewage treatment plant and who doesn't care i know you love muffins oh yeah lovely here's a value pack look at this value pack muffins muffins and the nice thing about them they are boneless favorite oh god didn't you hate that your buddy ah go through all that trump many times you had to de-bone a muffin don't you hate that you gotta go through there with the little knife and you know i looked at this picture and i'm thinking why did this person send this to me and then i realized oh i see and there's a woman in a wedding dress okay she apparently is floating in space ellen going close because she has no feet she has no v she's dead folks are you tired of wearing glasses or contact lenses attend a free seminar vision correction seminar taught by a man who wears glasses you know i don't want to know about this ad this looks really creepy look slightly used organs for sale slightly used human organs for sale and look how the guy spells right look at right to mike his athens seed lawn and garden this week's special large selection of bird feeders and look go in the corner then look they buy and sell crabs well this i i don't know i i never heard of this product make lips attractively fuller without the expense pain or risk of collagen injections go into that apparently now you pump this up and it makes your lips fuller kevin i don't know what you're laughing at but forget it oh man it's not like that how many guys are going honey can i borrow forget about it forget about it forget about it i don't want to hear about it oh here you go career opportunities available career opportunities counter clock wages of 979 with wages possible after just 12 weeks look you come in you work for three months one more i thought this was interesting uh interesting newspaper uh can you get up in the corner it says clinton family arrives in china same page okay time for headlines here you go the san diego union look at that paul says that 53 believe the media often make mistakes you know there are some people who can just write you know fitzgerald shakespeare and then there are some people well if things change things would be different here's a story on log homes i thought it was interesting this paragraph log homes are sturdy they have withstood hurricanes tomatoes and earthquakes that have accomplished that i'll tell you folks you ever been in a tomato storm it's you go our lowest price computer ever yeah that's why it's a sewing machine you know it's been a couple of years since boy scouts have you ever scout cam no james well i i thought i knew my compass pretty well look at this map down here there's of course north opposite west south and east so you just use that compass and you'll be fine this killed me this wouldn't kill me little let me show you a little before and after cosmetic therapy women this cosmetic surgery stuff is pretty much look at the woman's face forget her neck now look there's a woman that's the first shot and look at her face afterwards huh sure she's tightened her neck a little bit how much younger she looks oh yeah okay the attack of the lizard people why there's marge wilson owner of marge's donut den gives a free donut to tyler moyer five to make him feel better you just come from the dentist the fact that you've been filling them with donuts might have something to do all right all right all right i just like marge there you go clifton bed races uncovered look at the caption uh a team michelle krueger participates in clifton bedrich a huge crowd looks on can we see look at the huge crowd look at that it's a huge stuff people fascinated fascinated by these dead races yeah this poor guy cologne eternity still in the box 25 i'm thrilled with women editorializing folks if you like books here is the breakthrough of the century look at this a pack of shakespeare treasures look here look it says there all new titles have just released king lear richard iii othello twelfth night the merchant event all new books by shakespeare brand new stuff has no one seen any of this yet so that's a hell of a deal ever i don't know i've never had this product squeeze wretch up now here's one from the obituary column i'm not making fun of the man's name it's probably very nice man but just the sentence in it i thought was amusing i hope his family is not offended because he seemed like a very nice man uh it says dr jack left i can't pronounce his name he was born on franklin avenue he was born in a log cabin that he built himself people were so much more rugged back then you know come out of that womb swinging an accident well god bless them i hope the family uh i love this one here's a great folks do you like baseball memorabilia look at this great fine baseball bats for sale six autographed by reggie jackon duke snyder joe dimac io ted williams stan muscle mickey mantell you like furniture here is a deal rare furniture panasonic microwave blah blah blah club chair and ottoman and look at the traditional chip and dale style chairs if you like cartoon furniture this is the best this is a genuine chip and dale chair is hypnotist frank santos donation 10 dollars all you can eat bring your own food all right now somebody somebody explain this product to me explain i i looked at this i don't know it says remove ear wax safely the led light is safely located the clear plastic tip make it easier to see the ear canal for fast removal how can he look in his own ear with the light i don't even notice how does that work i got the light on honey but i can't see anything look at this jim smith karate you always want to try karate now is the time i don't believe that's karate okay i hate people to dress up dogs dogs do not like to be dressed up dogs do not like to wear costumes okay look at this a charming imposter look look how yeah you know oh yeah those dogs are just having a great time aren't they idiot look at this poor guy this guy can't understand why no one comes into his restaurant i'm sure it's very good food i'm sure the chicken is maybe there's something in the name look it's salmonella's restaurant salmonella why won't people come here one more okay here's a disgusting one real quickly ah toilet yellow free i like this one here viagra may make little town big if you have a headline well here's the most honest ad i have seen in a long time this guy i i command it says roaring machine rose well i'm just lazy a hundred dollars i thought there you go there's a guy see it shows you the influence this scandal is having around the country look at this ad it says bill clinton type single white male age 50 desire to meet single white female monica lewinsky type that's kind of interesting i never had these there's coconut cake that second one assaulted beagle ultrasound assisted liposuction get rid of love handles you know what's fascinating look at the top photo not only does it get rid of love handles but go down look at that it also grows hair apparently so you lose the weight you're just going to be a little hairier mr johnson that's that's the only problem basically now look at this oh come on i should have this guy come on and demonstrate this dopey thing stand taller with 12 strategically placed magnets magnetic shoulders look at the woman down there look at her oh my mouth oh there you go look at those magnets there you go and of course she's frowning in the other photo look at it maybe if you have a steel rod in your back it might work tough stuff look at this from the level loop collection you know how you can tell good carpet look go in the cloak go and close that look made from 100 undetermined fiber that looks like cat hair we really don't know well thank god for this delta airlines look at this we'll stop carrying animals in the heat i guess people and coach got sick and tired of throwing their shoes back there hey cut it out here is a team you don't want to see lose kev oh my god look it's the pms football cheerleader oh my god man when they lose look out you know we can go to the moon we can go under the water weather still not an exact scientist science rather look at this tomorrow partly cloudy with a 30 chance of afternoon again we can't predict we know we think it's gonna after 12. again there you go this is from tv guide you know the cartoon arthur says dw is lost in the white house until a kind employee finds her and takes her to his oval office here's air duct cleaning when's the last time you cleaned out your filters in your healthcare very important long time look at this help eliminate dust mites breathing in your vents look what it says dust mite not actual size i should hug him you know he's got dust mites get out of the house from the palladian times welcome back street beat the question is how does port how does the port arthur area benefit from having oswego state university here i like al mccarthy down there go down the hall lots of girls yeah lots of girls i wish i had seen this in july kev i swelted all summer i wish i had seen this headline look at this keeping a house cooler can help beat the heat you know i'm starting to feel sorry for clinton everything he does has some sexual connotation look at this there's another joke but it's too mean here you go lavaca tasty low-fat mexican food except for our meat all food is 100 vegetarian you get the steak and potatoes just eat potatoes that's a vegetarian meal speaking of meals here's the kfc mega meal look at this 799 that's a lot of money yes 800 worth of chicken no more you want to refill up no no more please hundred dollars worth explain this to me explain this to me sun blasters glow-in-the-dark sunglasses okay why do you why do you wear sunglasses at night and why do you need them to glow in the dark stop dressing up animals kev i am starting an organization to stop people look at this nostalgic tie-dye t-shirt you know i mean no if your dog remembers the 60s he's what 210 years old why why why look at this make your own manure kit i got a real easy way to do it what else we got how many we got me a couple more couple more here you go the versatile valet drawer organizer we'll look down at the bottom designed by a guy who's been to france what we got here okay oh here this one first here we go here's the cleansing the digestive system that'll be held with beverly lindberg phd at the bean seminar room diarrhea club meeting was cut short because the president had to run if you had diarrhea why would you join a club do you really you know i'd like to meet other people in my area who have diarrhea did you just sit around how do you know uh let's not go to my place we had it at my place last week i thought the meeting at your house folks even have a goofy headline send it carry the tonight show with j no three thousand west alabama avenue fairbank california 91523 you can find all of our headlines and other tonight show stuff at nbc.com be right back with tim allen right after this don't go well

Channel: Pets, Animals, Travel, Docs, & Rare Musical Stuff

Views: 1,704,590

Keywords: YouTube Editor

Id: oIMkXbbv-AM

Length: 92min 42sec (5562 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 07 2016