Jay Leno Best of Headlines Part 6

see this one I don't even think I have to say anything you can read it yourself I wonder how we'll end while we're ahead this is kind of cool I'm like Waterford boy eight years old saved sister's life uses the Heimlich maneuver which he learned from TV look at this I wouldn't do it again geez been a pain this week it sent me this Wonka thrills candy look at their slogan the gum that tastes like soap probably why you haven't heard of it American students why our school system is the best if you're going to be an exchange student in an Asian country which one would it be Mike Young senior I would go probably France you wonder why kid just screwed up read the school lunches let's see Knox County school lunch look at Friday April 28th rings of Life meatloaf twisters ground covers mulch roots clouds peaches dirt pie and energy fluid yeah we have good diets in this guy's there's Novak's bar and grill by one booger get one free this this is a bank this is the most disguise disgusting Bank I've seen look where you put the money in this dog Bank what is that [Applause] that really gonna get you to save Lou you know put the coin in mad stupid of people if you're smart enough to write a letter how do you even ask this question who played the part of ET or was it an alien there's dis more homes looking at two bath walk-in closet and two large panties another house here exquisite Eastern home awaits private 3.5 acre view guest house look at the last sentence comes with enormous poop look at that that's why they gave you the big panties ones with captions always make me laugh there's Tim Morrissey clears undergrowth from blueberry rose at the Eberhardt farm off steamboats island and Sunday looking on his ten-year-old son Thomas yeah Brooke sample of Harrisburg arrested at the Sigma Chi house 2:30 a.m. for public intoxication 20 to depart the nude subject was humping a stop sign Brooke if you're watching give us a call Brooke sample of Harrisburg the sign said stop [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you know folks this photographer should be fired on this newspaper because the first rule of photography you don't take people's picture standing in front of a steer head look at this you're in great hands with hair handlers [Applause] you know rather than say Yogi Bear and scooby-doo visit children look at this headline huge bear and six-foot dog have children for breakfast [Applause] portable toilet bomb police have nothing to go on it says what do you like most about college life and then they talked a bunch of kids his Clinton Shane Taylor from East Central Oklahoma first of all I like having responsibilities of living solo second the woman flocked to me like the salmon of Capistrano you've all seen the salmon swim upstream to Capistrano I think an American voice hey the voice in the brothers miserable can area there you go look at this Bob lost the photo [Applause] Oh former Vice President Dan Quayle it isn't pollution that is harming the environment it's the impurities in our air and our water that's doing [Music] now here's the Marco Island Eagle bellman says he fought in another bellman there's a whole story nonetheless then a witness says he did not see anything [Applause] Johanne Barth's amazing results I've lost 60 pounds and I'm not on a diet look the pan she has on are bigger than the one she's holding [Applause] now it sounds good come in foes get your delicious meat load sandwich here's a daybed for sale may also be used at night [Applause] Oh on the History Channel crimes and trials profiling Jack the stripper remember Jack the stripper unbelievable yeah you know do you buy these trucks my Isaac if you got a truck you got a stick-shift you got a radio heater that was it look at this there's a 96 Dodge 1500 SLT CC 4x4 black with grey automatic air conditioning cruise tilt look at this an automatic ass wipe that's a heck of a deal don't need to get out of the truck just keep driving [Applause] cool little friend cool little friend way I like this one it's the Wanamaker roar roar wedding wanna make a roar here's a nice one it's the chumma hiney wedding [Applause] about the here'sh jock itch wedding is Vermont only it's the gay carpenter wedding oh this poor guy it's the small wiener [Applause] it's these screws Herbert wedding or Hebert wedding fears Johnson filling or good how about the Peters holder wedding and finally it's the Bush grabber wedding that's how stupid is this I mean this is like the thing they teach you is how man starts fire by using lighter to look into gas can ironic discarded toilets lie in a field along highway P peace mousetrap and look look it's the chef's choice every burger now is bacon Burger King McDonald's look look at this even tied tied ultra tied now with bacon explain to me why a bird would do this okay it's the swinging cat bird feeder now why would a bird fall into a cat here's Davis Street Davis Street fish market look at their slogan they get the meat loaf mama I'm coming home with the crabs [Applause] okay here is a poorly worded sentence King of Prussia man found dead police believe the well-armed survivalist killed himself before setting his apartment on fire okay he killed himself then set his apartment on fire it is the stupidest bank robber Sacramento police responding to a bank robbery found suspect ed Rose 55 standing outside the American Savings Bank his accomplice Theodore Cole had taken the getaway car to be washed [Laughter] idiots here's another idiot a cop giving a driver a ticket notice that the man signed a different name than the one he had originally given when the officer has why the man said because I have dope in my pocket here's a hell of a deal get your Easter turkey now half-price after Easter sale would be full price if they've been refrigerated at a fooling around free piece of wood you come and get it I don't know I just looks like sexual harassment to me I don't know you'd be the judge look at this here's cheetahs on the river business entertaining groups of four more received their picture free with a model dancer or an oven-roasted chicken dinner you get your picture taken with the model or the chicken dinner I don't know kids in scale technology look at look at this picture well perhaps this is not the most good says awakening an elephant Clinton wants more money for women I guess so criminals nineteen year olds gratitude brings fake ID charge which holy man apparently learned the hard way Thursday to quit when you're ahead he was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol and driving down a one-way street he was taking him to Macau me jail he posted bond he thanked the jailer for not charging him with having a fake ID the cop said fake ID and he was re-arrested there's a bright side as a bright guy for street talk question of the week what attracted you to the tri-lakes area and why I like the bottom guy huh I was told to come here by my wife and this one there's Steven Zelman MD okay he specializes in disney diseases what would that be [Music] you first-time homeowners when you look for a new house be very careful look at this and here's a brand new Wooster home 3-bedroom 2bath yeah that second bath looks a little suspect that yeah I don't know if I want to take a bath in there take this add 25 inch console TV occasionally goes black but stomping on the floor brings it back an ad for a clock it's the Philips Magnavox clocks and what a good clock it look what time is it Bob it's about 780 about 780 I think yeah think you have about 90 minutes past 5:00 is that good watches they are so sneaky look at this now I'm gonna show you Wednesday 3:00 even Wednesday March 29th spaghetti meat sauce oh that was it's a soft breadsticks that's the key soft breadsticks we've got a Thursday the next day Pizza green beans crunchy wait a minute it's camera shop the cannon should capture a memory I don't even understand why you would want this dopey product the new handy drink cool pooch the cool pooches innovative design allows you to drink from the same plastic bottle as your pet [Applause] this is I I don't even know if I should show this I guess I guess it's an ad for a bakery I would have posed the man just a little bit differently [Applause] [Music] have you like screwed up jumbo antelope well here's the headline from a guy I went to school with guy named Dean Eastman who is voted Teacher of the Year this is from my local paper in Andover Massachusetts graduates trade booty for diplomas how long has that been going here you go Bush rallies volunteers look at this that a picture Barbara Bush jokes with the crowd in Lansing see that Barbara Bush jokes with the crowd yes siree Bob I do you know what I get this woman angry ladies and gentlemen don't you Kim well the folks at Pepsi a proud sponsor of the International geek food festival I understand a Bill Gates keynote speaker suspicious past your pre-employment or random drug test guaranteed call mr. Dubey stupid criminals I love stupid criminals I'm gonna show you that you know I'll show you the headline so you shouldn't us not fake a woman robbed the North Korean business my name is police a but but look at this when officers arrive the clerk laundromat told the woman entered the business and requested change for $20 bill she handed to the clerk Clark went the office gets changed the woman the suspect followed her pulled a knife and demanded the money that was in the register and the register was a $10 bill and a $5 bill woman took the money and ran out so she lost five bucks on the robbery school kids are sharper than ever what's your best memory from this past school year there's look at John now watching people trip going up the stairs campus comments how are gas prices affecting you look at Blair Benton well I run so much with my car I don't have any money left over for alcohol as the park city of Salinas look when it's open dusk to dawn so don't try to go during the day because the food isn't good not because the police the people aren't very nice they just have unfortunate names that don't translate well there's the full hole [Applause] you know I'm not even gonna save this one you can read it yourself you know it's bad enough when you see baseball players out there grabbing themselves you know when it's Joe Torre look at this guy look at him and Hernandez hey I got a question that boy hey hey days and five nights in paradise Internet addiction treated online so I love about women Saturday should have said that correction Linda gamely only accused Daniel McArthur of being the devil not of being unfaithful see two women that's far worse and officials put foot down on dog waste here you go Diana Ross and two women who claim to be the Supremes perform July 17 as we claim to be the supreme it's something I'm surprised you see the more you travel the more you know writer finds Iceland a complete change from Las Vegas really those two would be so similar are we in Iceland biggest Oh sometimes the best intentions you know save the whales trip cut short after boat rams whale [Applause] [Music] [Applause] here's something vision could affect your hunting skills here are some fine American women the headline ycc honors those who embody spirit of the American woman now this one woman down there looks a little butch to me Dungy yeah jeez yeah yeah I think yeah I just mind your manners things you should never do at the table number one talking with your mouth open probably this is ventriloquist only you know sometimes again people come here for another country they open a restaurant a lot of people have trouble with English this is the yucky sushi restaurant why aren't we getting any customers yes I don't know what they're thinking this is your North Heights not your typical Lutheran Church it says perhaps they could have chopped this picture differently or something the ad says my dad's be bigger than your dad [Music] here's a affordable divorce five dollars off you know honey I didn't want to get a divorce but by golly these prices we can't afford not to five dollars off the Dubois okay there's the Sunbeam digital thermometer whoo that guy looks pretty sick look at the temperature 110 point four that can't be good explain this one to me removes earwax safely lighted so you can see into the ear okay so how do you look in your own theater look at the guy it's got a light on it so what all this guy can do is see the light coming out the other end baby oh you know guys are so sleazy you know I'm sorry I'm a guy but guys will do anything to get out of the responsibility I'm gonna read this is this is the police and Sheriff's logs you're not making it says carmel-by-the-sea people who call in or want to report a crime man called in to report a woman snuck into the bed he was asleep and and had sexual intercourse with him he said by the time he walk and realized it was happy what was happening it was too late two weeks later this woman called and said she was pregnant he told police he had been tricked first show scouts honor there's a dad and a Boy Scout and then there's dad and the dog relax and they that last picture I'm sorry [Music] it's not really a headline someone sent me this butter knife never need sharpening well done I need you sharpen the butter knives do it you know I how do you make this mistake Queen ascends to throne hello Oh women oh you know you want to go out with a woman that's gotten these cab FDA approves use of saline beast implants you open that blouse [Applause] here's an economist study we have people whom Kentucky studied Kentucky and this is what they found poor really need more pain study number two here's another study okay this is some of the major University older kids who stay up later often are sleep here wait a minute so you're saying if I stay up late here's an interesting study from the University of Alberta researchers female inmates in solitary confinement often lonely favorite one this is so stupid says says toilet tank systems gives any bathroom an antique look you know the antique kind of toilets with the hi look at this okay you see you get a shot of that no look [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] okay this might work in Shaquille O'Neal's bathroom you just put a piece of pipe then you go police log here we are these are people to call the police what we reported that her stereo valued at $350 was stolen out of her locked car well parked it's Sabino High School police came to the scene notice that the Chrysler was locked the alarm was set but the woman's convertible roof was down [Applause] here you go I love stupid criminals reported in a Michigan news crime column man walked into Burger King and hit Salani Michigan that's right yep someone 8:50 a.m. flashed a gun demanded cash the clerk said no he couldn't open the cash register without a food order the man said all right give me some onion rings the pledge said I'm sorry onion rings are not available with the breasts breakfast menu and the guy ran away [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] help create smiles oh boy I love creating a great smile area how stupid of this Pony for sale looks like a small horse Learning Centres that's the ads are these on TV all the time with a community that he goes there I like this one here I used to hate riding Sylvan taught me how right well now I enjoy it you know I'm not a great speller I'm a terrible speller and I don't pretend to be good but I don't work for a newspaper alright want to spell like a champ read Webster's dictionary why can't people spell what's the problem look at this here you go through the years this woman talks about being in the third grade see you know you lose something you want you want to make sure the wrong people don't show up found an American flag must be able to describe it you get red white and blue yes Stars and Stripes how this works waitress Ron wanted work from home okay I'll be in about an hour what are you gonna have for a summer arts journey music voice look at dance look at the dance to teach African lap and jazz hip hop you know I'd like to see the left possibly could I get an African lap huh that's gonna go here's a lovely Father's Day coupon for early pregnancy test I don't even understand this you know we is the most irresponsible country sometimes look at this for the man who has everything grenades I know wait go to the bottom of the ad there Ellen look loads of fun for the whole family ah what brings a father and son closer together than lobbing grenades his anti-aging medicine anti-aging makeover skew ages 36 to 150 guaranteed to make you look 5 years younger you know Susan I know you're 150 but you look about a hundred and forty-five what's different look at this inmate throws crutches at deputy and flees it says it says a jail inmate escaped Friday from Denver mental health center have you held his crutches and loved it in the other paragraph Jackson said investigators are looking the possibility that burr sagal may have been faking his injury really so he threw the quell maybe it was a miracle woman was drunk driving her car she tried to impress the officer by doing a cartwheel finally she said to the officer look please give me a break I'm drunk and I'm sure microphones under their selling point durable bulletproof design you know you know if you're singing and people are shooting at you time's punctuated just punctuation makes all the difference you put a little period or punctuation at the end of a sentence and it changes congratulations to Tammy king on being named ass of the month for me nothing funny to me than stupid criminals this guy 29 year old Houston man this guy was robbing cab drivers robbed a cab driver of $300 found out there was a $4,000 reward turned himself in fishing he could collect me $4,000 got thirty years in prison [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Richie Majaw

Views: 399,252

Keywords: Jay Leno Top Headlines, Jay Leno Top 100 Headlines, Jay Leno Best Headlines, Jay Leno Funniest Headlines

Id: yk49Gp_salU

Length: 31min 23sec (1883 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 14 2020