Jay Leno - Headlines - May 27, 1997

it's tuesday night folks time for headlines [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this room was just in the paper friday i thought it seemed appropriate jurassic park sequel opens senator strom thurman honored a big week for dinosaurs you know winning beauty contests is i guess a lot of fun i suppose and prestigious i don't know these certainly seem like three attractive young women as you can see they are the super cow beauty hey your girl's quite a heifer thank you you know i saw this in the paper and it took me a second it was from the houston chronicle it says secretaries the position has evolved as the caption says uh sid dudley executive assistant to former u.s secretary of commerce robert moshbacher senior and she looks very busy and very efficient then look at her computer can you go look she's been playing solitaire on her computer you know sometimes folks send us some mug shots and things we hold them up and criminals are apprehended you know we've got over 1500 criminals really wow uh they released the composite sketch of this man one with the robbery of a major gas station okay if you have seen this man folks i want you to study the picture carefully all right if you if you have seen that man call the police immediately look at this here's two army uh people there's uh karen weil complete basic training and there's john horny so it's pretty much what they say about the army it's pretty much wild and horny [Music] unlike this one it says racial harmony is club's message and then it says that these viking junior high schools participate in a multi-cultural awareness walk they're like okay as you can see that's about as multicultural in the country i think that one kid's english the other looks kind of irish the other guy's kind of scotch so they're all aware of their sort of ethnic guinea here's the chasm celebrate their golden anniversary apparently now it says they have uh four children they name the children go down a little bit there ellen if you could look where one of the children is from you can see they're from sandy eggo california you know our own kevin eubanks thinks he can keep his private life private not so we are very excited to see this in the paper mr and mrs kevin eubanks announce a boy ethan eugene how about that ah here's a house for sale and says it includes a large three-car garage the fact that it has a fence in front of the garage quite sure why you would buy that house there's north carom 92 0009 adorable ranch look at that look at the house caravan look what it says three bedroom large euro kitchen cathedral ceilings new ceramic tile bath skylights complete i guess it's much bigger on the inside study this photo carefully it says 25 off i guess the 25 is they cut the guy's leg off [Applause] folks do you ever read the bottom of your receipt when you go to a supermarket sometimes they type things at the bottom someone sent this to me there's a whole receipt that says thank you for your business have a nice day prices do not include a pants down spanking here's an auction a radio auction there's a number of things they'll be auctioning go to the one i underlined would you ellen they're auctioning off half a vasectomy i guess he ever wanted a half sister or half brother huh nordic track 300 firm hardly used call chubby this one i thought was interested interesting now nothing odd about it says how's your social security been denied i can help see the man there well apparently this man gets a lot of work because in another paper another part of the country impotence it's almost as common as you say apparently as you can see the the guy is impotent because his social security's been denied the problem there's one here i don't know who buys this kind this is toy tunes plays a favorite melody for unsuspecting bathroom guests each time they they go for the toilet paper it plays a song and choose songs like the star-spangled banner now aren't you supposed to stand up when they play the star spangled i'm not quite sure my favorite is the jackson 5 and the bg's lead class of 97 and rock and roll hall of fame as you can see the bgs are stand alive but just barely now they are staying alive just barely folks if you have a headline send it a headline scare the tonight show with jay leno 3000 west alameda burbank california 91523 you can find all of our headlines and other stuff on the tonight show at www.nbc check it out be right back with jeff goldblum right after this [Music]

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Length: 6min 38sec (398 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 17 2021