FRANK SKINNER LIVE IN BIRMINGHAM AT THE HIPPODROME

Oh calm down now calm down everything's gonna be all right but could this wonderful array of football shirts we got near tonight all sorts all sorts of people even a [ __ ] if you come from war Brampton tonight you are all brown walk around there now I do like walking around it's not often I feel fashionable I'm gonna John Paul Gautier morality they're ours what's in Richard and Judy the other day there's a proud woman after a few students eyes lit up then by Anika phoning about men who led double lives men who have got heterosexual relationship and a gay relationship right obviously it's a very sensitive subject and whenever there's a sensitive subject on Richard and Judy you're always thinking come on then Richard say the worst [ __ ] thing anyone could ever say so this flow to Sydney's got the wings were some of you this blood found in he was clearly upset at leaves from Manchester he said huh I've been leaving when this going on it you know I'm doing and it turns out like he's got a wife and wife and two kids on without and it was really it was terrible heart-rending stuff and honestly Richard Madeley no have you said he said young can understand you being upset but what you don't like is even going beyond your back oh no I don't mind no one before you have to be very careful what you're saying on on stage nowadays you know that you don't upset people I was in Cambridge a couple of months ago on to where small world's me anyway I uh I was talking about now you get these people or you say you're walking around it were very very stooped you know people who walk like these it's a terrible thing you see them walking about wherever you go you think that's well that's probably born like that you know so it's alright to laugh because all well Guinea oh no when I was a kid in old gray light that was where our girl and when I was a little kid in our brain oh yes and used to be a blower and we used to pass him on the way to school every morning and every day we walk down the road they'll be about four or five hours every [ __ ] day we go you know some of my you know dogs up now so what about this in kind we'd have welcomed the back chats yes it's called ankylosing spondylitis actually gosh is it mr. [ __ ] no so now come you know so much about it he said I've got it and the audience when you haven't got very bad have you mate he said yes very bad actually and you know we're gonna swim and I'm good at time pull this back you're gonna try night me and all I could come up with and this is fairly cool right I said well put it this way now you'll probably never stand in dog [ __ ] again didn't work while weird thing out smells doing a gig in a lunatic in London right at this price coffin gone and I got heckled by a Japanese block I've never been heckled by a Japanese but before it's a very strange thing because I was talking anyway and because I didn't know what he'd said it was quite hard to come back you know to him so off the old chat and might get something out of it so I said he from Japan might and he said no i am from korea I said all right I said from North Korea or South Korea and he looks at me he's a businessman about 50 looks at me anyway no I was joking I'll walk right into that one didn't know I can't believe I fell for the old pretend your problem career job can our plastic spacer I wanna do a joke tonight was the first joke I ever wrote I was 12 years old when I wrote this joke and when I was a kid in hombre up there it lasted me just that one joke for 10-15 years right every time I turned up that side Erie comes with these [ __ ] and this is if anyone here fancies chai and this this is the Joe all you need is a big nut and bolt right okay cuz I don't copy I got one of these next brother when I was a kid in a whole be right-click this in me pocket all the time right and what I used to do I'd go to every fairground in a ten-mile radius and I'll get I'll get on the big wheel say all the Big Dipper now what we got really up you know when you load it up on the big world you don't the top they're loud and it's a bit windy and you're worried you know your money aren't start saying it's all your business it's all made everyone and when they're looking down you just get the ball nice [ __ ] the selves honestly it would still work sometime [ __ ] Eurostar right so am I live in London now I'll [ __ ] do you yes and yeah yeah and I've just remembered why I have should I should tell you this actually I did a gig in Bournemouth and I was talking about where people live and stuff yeah you to go back there well I back to Bournemouth I saw you want a [ __ ] real night hey I [ __ ] told in that book he told it right back the [ __ ] ball [ __ ] talking about it's one so this is bloke in the second row and I says he live in Bournemouth mate and he looked up on me like this it's what they call a mouth breather a blog you probably heard about breathing through the nose but thought my [ __ ] whiskey so I thought I could just move on I've got it to talk to him you know so I said you from Bournemouth my anyway yeah and I said so what's it like yeah and he didn't smile or anything he just looked on anyway sure no Philip actually felt a bit bad about it because he didn't look very happy you know and I said well perhaps you should think about moving somewhere else and I swear he looked up like really confused he looked at me he said but my out seas are you that's what this people sleeping in shocked always in London he said they've come up from Bournemouth got there and thought [ __ ] forgot me else so no this is what this was just before the two is gone it was a lovely summer's day and I've done it right and it was like lunchtime all these people had gone out to get a sandwich there's an office workout I saw I was in Leicester Square which if you don't know it it's all Monopoly it's always very curved in Leicester Square and this office work you got the super type be a bloke in his early 30s on what he did he trimmed right not hilarious in itself but this was what he did he's walking on the knee in triptych obviously in a lot of people he went no I'll leave that right he managed to top the Little Rock so we definitely true and he did you think along but the whole performance when was another hmm now ether that bloke keeps the [ __ ] accurate diary or maybe he didn't trip at all maybe he was walking on there to a Leicester Square thinking to himself running a bit late to done actually how's that and we'll be back on schedule you youngsters down here hello of you may 20 I'm not selling firewood you tell me you're a lieutenant wait I love you you're 17 what's your name okay don't be nervously I'm quite a nice chap so have you started having sexual intercourse yet you know idea Mighty Mite not knocking oh it's a tracer yeah I'll go with it when you I'm not gonna ask really big personal question sit down Mandy okay trust me day when you first started right the first time if you didn't pretend right what are you worried it might be over it'd be quick lastly was but were you looking for in her yeah we all natural mouse blow first time we had sex Lee I'm not kidding you sort of oh thanks superbee [ __ ] drum bill so that's quite normal but something that there I think most people know that but something that's not often spoken about and this is something I've found to be true as I've got older and also an older I found it takes a little bit longer yeah little bit longer a little bit longer till now frankly takes too [ __ ] long I could be going for say 40 minutes aside three course of an area now and now I'm looking around the room for things to do thinking things like I shall get that [ __ ] clockwork and I'll tell you as I've done all that sex from behind has been an absolute godsend to me because the great thing about sex from behind is that you don't have to look interested if if I'm having sex face-to-face with a woman I will put on a bit of a shower hidden from the route more than anything else smashing this and I think women like that six from behind though I don't bother honestly and I've developed a Medford now a soda but not one legged method it's not what I'd call it a sexual technique what it is is I am I am a slave to pins and needles and I found that if I don't change my pivot regularly I'll lose a lot of the sense in my legs like this bloke has a similar problem one leg that's the secret right so it is it is you know it's a problem and I found that also if after about half an hour okay sometimes the circulation will start to go anyway and I'm losing a lot of sense in the legs and then I'll adopt a sort of a shaking Stevens seems to get everything flowing again right let me give you a specific example I was I think we know each other well enough now to talk first no always having this has been about six months ago I was having sex from behind right with a woman I regarded very much as an equal we'd been going I would say about 40 minutes but I didn't consult me wristwatch but I have got a microwave with a digital clock and I was what by the way this is a back I'm representing here not the top of the range yeah I'll say we'll have we'll have sex from behind there shall we are a little a little rapscallion there's a woman looking at me as if the side that better be a [ __ ] dwarf job so this anyone who is having sex from behind Roy I can't remember which leg I was on but trust me it was one of the other and but I should probably clean it up at this point in the store but when I say sex from behind right I mean straight sex from behind right I don't mean no 11:6 from yawning developing now I wasn't taking a stroll down pantry and the new strain sex from behind right let's say by an auditorium not small slight experimental Studio Theatre next room which firstly I find more challenging but it's a cultural okay so I'll say about 40 minutes and I'm looked down in the midst of it I look down at earned back you know and I looked and I thought it isn't just beautiful in the back it isn't just beautiful it's perfect [ __ ] perfect for maybe a mug of tea in an ashtray coaster down there not the cell would wanna burn anybody now unless no disrespect in that of course I met some men you know some men during sex are quite aggressive and arrogant sex from behind seems to bring out the worst in a lot of men now there are women in here tonight now I can see you looking at me and you with your with your boyfriend's in your husband's you looking at me when I sign that as if the thing not a dice no he's gonna go to Slovenian rule and now Betty always at all footage with the lads but when he's with me I'll see another soul okay well let me put it this way every bloke in this room tonight who's had sex from behind right trust me honestly sex from behind Roy occasionally he does the sex from behind face that's not about love and affection is it now and the galaxy that woman thinking or not chase though big dough do it well you say that the tell-tale signs when you feel the flats of the palm on your back that's when he's doing the fighting would you all the garages come out Italian all of sex even worse if you love that man never ever look up doing oral sex if you see that face looking down at ya that will be it I'm telling you that's when they hold your hair you know think I better look over when I'm dead square top evaded poking at me now will ya theory of me not me now I want to gentle I'll admit I have looked down and during oral sex on vacation right but I don't need to sort of go oh well could you but it's tactically a mistake if you say it out loud I think I eat one snappers on the staff it just caught me unawares I just hope that but it's not just men right over-aggressive a that I went out with a woman right from whole green thought you see and she on I'll be honest of them all was frightened to death but she used to treat honestly she treated me and my relationship was based on me giving her oral sex that was it occasionally we have sexual intercourse but very very rarely she do oral sex for me she had to be fast asleep - no it's a queue of the snore and I found that out accident I used to get rounder osan annoyed I tell an adage an chance to sit down not offered a cup of tea nothing I'd walk through that door you can [ __ ] lick this now you know it doesn't cost anything to say please and deeper that was a big Deepak come on Dave let's go deeper well I'll try but I don't think you've ever tried getting a little bit date so donkey it's not you all the reach right and you feel like you pulled a muscle in your time come on hey amigo bulldog come on man my mother she be going daebak come on deeper I could taste the [ __ ] chair let's let's clean things up a little bit I went to Australia right now this was you know Terry Venables was the manager of England and then he became the manager of Australia just after that I went to Australia and I went to a football match out there in in Melbourne and I was standing watching the games to store him and a bloke came up to me big Australian black and he said to excuse me mate are you from England because it was out from home Hawaii are you from anyone mine and I said yeah yeah and he said so what do you make of this Terry Venables character and I said well you know he's I think he's a good manager I think he'll do a good job for you and he looked at me it's bright and this is his words not mine word for word he looked a little bit serious he said you know if he doesn't get us to that World Cup you'll be about as popular as a ginger-haired stepson you know that Terry Venables so you've got the old England your own aren't you sick [ __ ] when we lost it so did you what you know Julie did you watch your 96 do do you remember the Spain game in Euro 96 that was the one when it went to penalties and Stuart Pearce got that penalty remember leave miss one years before though she knew that we miss one and he took the penalty do you remember Stuart miss he ran up to the crowd must remember this and it's your business going well I was in that section of crowd right we [ __ ] ourselves where we go and we wonder what no one sees of the penalties put now counts up with Terry boy everyone's mr. Watson who was me right who discovered the fact that if you tilt your head slightly and look very determined the radio gets louder yeah well don't just release on the radio so I am I've been already born I'll tear this I read a book about Siam these twins [ __ ] good Pookie was only about that 599 it was really interesting the first step aside least we know the ones joined together here with me Anya they the first one in fact apparently on rent cord was two blokes actually from Siam but there were Siamese and that's why we call them Siamese twins right what they say they were from Siam that could have been to Japanese plugs [ __ ] in there they were called Chang and Eng right and they were joined at the hip and they lived to be in the sixties they both married separate women both had kids of their own weird right and I thought if I'd have been the older one Chang who got married first what I'd have been either got the fiancee round one not to discuss the wedding you know I've been sitting there with within like this I said right don't know that's the reception sorted and the invitations and the cake and any ideas on a best man and also in says in the last chapter that there was once Siamese triplets born and you could in fact you can listen there's no limit to the amount of children you could have that would join together like it said you could even have Siam a sex two plaits six children join together and armful that'd be [ __ ] brilliant wouldn't he hey cuz get him about two or three years old every afternoon I'd be out in the garden bending free-kicks room come on in there slim come on in it sideways sideways killing them to focus on the end our reader our read Superman comics is what's that spits on you then I'm sorry all right I'll read Superman comics and I love that you know and I don't if you're aware of this but recently big mistake in my opinion they've changed Superman's uniform you know he always had the blue with the red cloak and stuff so now he's in a sort of a white and blue sort of streak thing that comes up with like a headband and a light in the Annex it's rubbish now right I don't think people are gonna recognize him anymore they'll turn up at the scene of a crime Superman are the big coppers they're going yes mate on Superman well sister [ __ ] no I strip they'll recognize this is a brother they'll recognize when he puts [ __ ] glasses on how does that work right [ __ ] around at night so he says Frank we read this in the paper I won't be reading glasses that he doesn't know who are you can't burst early help help no no it's my friend Dan got some bad story glasses only common area grab the [ __ ] paper so but looking at me down is at the site Superman putting glasses on there's a thing called observational comedy right but never an explanation this is how it's supposed to work something happens to me right in my life and I think god that's funny right and then I've come on in and I'll tell you a lot about it and you think that was thoughts as well so we worked it's called the laughter of recognition right now on occasion I have completely [ __ ] this up because just because you do something you think everyone else does it and that's not necessarily true for example we're not group we don't really like a little kid really little kid maybe minds whatever happened to us we'd do a little soundtrack for him so if we mom said you didn't is on the time not sign me Tina coming up mom the dogs coming in dude but that was in the hall three people are burning and by giving me that look that says where you will be [ __ ] and that's the danger you see I got this other riod now did this I did this deal in London and it's quite a posh club and I thought oh a bit a new material to know how poor now this is someone everybody does this oh do this another oh yeah way to that ha big right so I went online and I said I said you know when you're having a bath or a shower and you get out you get out they have said I'm you're drawing your ass sometimes it's a white towel and they were going and I said you hold it here hold it up there yeah I hold up that tell us if that's what I would call sometimes a slight blemish I said here we all we all do this don't we I knew by now probably we [ __ ] demon stop no I do I do to this and I still do it and I'll confess it tonight right if I owned up the towel and there is a blemish I will always always go we do what do that what else is he gonna babe I have never ever ever in my life gone Ovaltine I under worse wonder this is something again I really did presume if every bloke certainly I really really presumed it this and I started talking about it on night one night on stage just as if you don't take me for granted and those blokes going there was chopped right and this you see and this is why I used to I don't do it anymore but if I was going anywhere there was any chance whatsoever of sexual activity no matter how unlikely I'd have a good bath in a scrub which I think most people do you know get as clean as you can and then as a bonus I used to go on for me genitals with a lemon scented wet wine this is really true as well Ollis sister it wasn't a sexual it was a sort of a courtesy thing really this might be a nice surprise perhaps for some woman laying it on she be there going on start helpful fruits and the other thing about it's actually quite refreshing you the Blues fat them you should just try once Honus it if we need gives you a bit of a zing where I said about you offering toilet doc a bit too abrasive you know I thought the advert says you know it does get under that bridge but the Risa scratchiness which I doubt like whereas I'll make that up actually might down ever try Tyler with a lemon-scented wet wipe that it could try it once for me they're common individual sachets from Kentucky Fried Chicken the two priests didn't fill your pockets honest it's worthy and you're the brilliant thing again - it dries to a sheen let's see if pop your face in my ailments I'm not kidding the other the other problem with this observational comedy think this is a bit of a trickier thing right he said you're supposed to talk about you know what you do in your everyday life now if you've got a job that means you're on television and stuff it's hard to talk about that without sounding like a total wanker Frank's out if I become swaggering on air tonight you know in a bit of a designer suit and stuff and I just said come dear you know that feeling you get when you're assuring a woman at your hotel room and she turns around holds up the condom and says you wouldn't sign this we unite we met you know you've proved out quite right obviously I made that up you know I didn't sign it anyway didn't want to get she told me Byron not only am I let you down they don't let me snow off there let's go back to super oh there's something about soup and I didn't tell you on if anyone I've ever read a suit man coming right in the sort of seventies will remember one advert which was in everyone and it was an advert for x-ray specs it was a bloke with a big thick pair of glasses on looking at ease and not adding going and he could say all the bones all the skeleton his hands he got his x-ray specs on when I was a kid I used to look at this advert and thing you know if I've got x-ray specs I won't be looking at me [ __ ] out if not gonna go specs after about three or four weeks everybody I see the bones in my hand now we move into a very private area like let's call it the solo road to sexual pleasure now I'll be honest with you it's something I'm not even sure if women ever do it and I've always been too embarrassed to ask write that every blood every [ __ ] bloke in the world set the one you're with tonight does it right ollie personally I'm not gonna do it the questionnaire on this I personally I started when I was about 13 right and for a blow when you first start I'm not killing you it's like Christmas Day every morning I used to set the alarm for about 4 you know I'll get known in Florida go to school and then it happened I was at school one day I was 14 years I lost on to this kid now it was one of these kids there's one in every school he knew more about sex and everyone else he used to come and give you a little tidbits about things you learn things he'd found out and we were talking about the solo road to sexual pleasure and he said of course she said when you get old you know he said a woman will do that for you I said I don't thinks sitting on telling you he said my brother said his girlfriend you know does a just lies back the whole magazine Oh no the morning all wasted on that music stand so if you dream an obsession and mine like a beat cop really wrapped up in my now brilliant this would be and I've got to like fifteen in had now got to sixteen didn't happen a week before I was seventeen and lost been virginity and I thought well that was nice but it won't be as good as when a woman does that personal thing but 270 filled in that an eighteen did now nineteen folly [ __ ] years I've been waiting finally when I was 19 years old at last a woman said to me after that for you I have no to call me and I thought now this is something now five years this couldn't be fast because if it happens to me a thousand times always for the first time right it's gonna be sex you're heaven I'm gonna lie back and I'm going to enjoy this you know act if we get off it [ __ ] let go and that was right because swimming is so fantastic at so many things but I am sorry I don't offend anyone die oh [ __ ] I said a couple of point as I said before you go going a couple of things to Barrymore look out for in future you know down yeah number one I'm crying shouldn't be number two bright red no no eat you I don't care about your [ __ ] dark boiling shouldn't be Robles then you meet the woman at the other end of the sky or literally right this is the woman who holds in at the very base twice the [ __ ] time down it right down the bottom in a vice-like grip she can be there for one hour easily and what are really ain't what I ain't more than anything is after about 25 minutes the [ __ ] support arm cognizant all right the support arm is that just to make me feel bad or what yes I was whipped down the bottom there it's a waste to my nose with a woman one night check been there an hour and 20 now exaggeration she said to me sit down does that feel nice for you gone cannot just offer a bit of advice or not now taking all these down on the bottom there waste important as far as sensitivities concern the helmet is the center of the universe the rest is just something to [ __ ] stand atop please for the hell victim the golf team and also you don't need hindsight as the old song says one finger one donkey true it's no coincidence that it was a bloke who invented the okay sign they seem onto the stage saying that you are a careful are forged brilliant light oaky preview you all right Susan Millis women it is and are understandably right they were thinking you best if you are doing for a woman you would not know where to start you're right I'm hopeless I am home I don't know the equipment well enough you know where does I know mine on the back or nevermind no I'm not good I'll explain that but I will try right and I adopt a sort of a sort of a getting biro off the back of my hand approach right so the woman would like that then this is the middle section and also do be best for you on on this one yeah honestly I have to try and go out with women or a sort of self-basting I think the moral of this story is it's a solo activity though look after yourself make your part look up to themselves and everyone's happy I long for a society where you can walk down the road and say you all right today Susan oh [ __ ] brilliant there's enough problems isn't in relationships the old blues fat down here now is your home if you got a girlfriend are you married right so you're a football fan as well obviously that helps you say it was due to OPM you have to be they feel that you've been forced into it you see that I think it can cause problems in a relationship I lived with the woman it wasn't very much into football but used to try and join in a bit you know and one day I had the radio on and the bloke on the radio said a now sport and amazing news from West Bromwich Albion and she said to me Oh West Bromwich Albion that's your team is you know what what they're doing on the radio and then he said and now whether there's a warm front coming in the thing with a headbutt is that you've done it instinctively before you cut your textures out for 20 minutes our film really must have been 20 minutes unfinished packing a stuff for the Thompson not all come down it in anyway domestic client is obviously a terrible thing there was a a story in the papers right hope it's not true it was a story Jeffrey Boyd [ __ ] girlfriend you know Geoffrey Boycott the English cricketer he's girlfriend remember this in the tabloids claimed that he'd beaten up quite badly in our terrible story seven and a half how was it took there's give me a ingles so I'm gonna I'm going to leave you know we've won one last story and this is true and I'll keep saying this is true and this is true but if you knew how much of this app was true you probably found the police see some of that happened to me I was invited to quite a posh do in London it's a place called the guild hall famous place and it was a dinner to raise money for the son Johns Ambulance Brigade so it was you know it was it was a good cause so I turned up there and the guest of honor was the Duke of Edinburgh now I know a lot of people are not that keen on the Duke of Edinburgh and I'm not that you know crazy and I was in a line of people to shake hands with him and as he was coming down the line I was thinking when they say mr. Skinner this is Prince Phillip I might say yeah yeah Hans Phillip oh yeah got all excited and so anyway we went into the hall dude reading Rob this is on the top table as you'd expect I'm on a side table but I'm seeing very clearly from where I'm sitting so I'm watching him you know thinking [ __ ] out Duke of Edinburgh and then be happened a block at the end of the top tire but he stood up with a little hammer and he bang the harmony said we will now all rise and sing together the national anthem so we did we all including the tube we stood up and we said god save our gracious Queen long live our noble Queen god save our queen and as we sang that was watching The Dukes face and I could tell by his expression he was thinking doctor really smoke Neelam's as if to say oh yeah you can sing about serpents I've gone what I call a stage further than that but what really got me when he got to that bit long to reign over us he started snickering you've been a really lovely crowd tonight and Friday night in Birmingham you've been brilliant thanks ever so much for coming up to me I'll see you again good night god bless you too all right ah I was lovely warm bigger Afghan all sort of tingly emotional now now these gigs obviously at Bayern in Birmingham is special and so now that was great this emotional since they took bull's eye off Thomas don't you miss them was the best show on [ __ ] television I mean any show where you can watch two blokes from Tipton worrying about whether or not they can win a [ __ ] speedboat we can hear them say support gonna be worth under Cooling's crap Marfa every bit though on bullseye was bullies price board remember the husband with the red sections if you got a dart in the red section you wouldn't want a prize and before you're through Jim Bowen the host eater he'd tell you was in each section with a little poem Kim Lord down Sariah he's mixed up what if you like a nice tune you'll be over the moon when this killings radial cassette player the prize is always a slight calm down from the build up and when I was a kid it was my [ __ ] ambition just for one week to do police prize bull right not to take over from Jim obviously the master but to write the script to get the presence in myself you know just organize the whole thing you could have Jim seen all sorts can you you could have things like if you keep it tight you'll be up all night with this leather chorong and three when she's under your spell she'll do housework as well it's a Filipino child prostitute some clapped some went come on be going there is though he is a [ __ ] true story now this this this is something I think we still have told you a few stories enough but this story songs meal more than any other story I'll tell you as a man with a [ __ ] problem right what happened I was filming right well [ __ ] you yes in Milan right for for channel 4 so there was me and a sound man and a cameraman and a lot of Italian passes by oh just happened to be there and we heard gunfire now this story was in the paper so you might have read the story but your honor the details about it one we looked down this street riveting there were two Italian coppers running up the road not firing pistols but I'll turn them in the air and going Elian obvious otherwise the Italian passers-by would have gone but anyway we looked up a van screeched to a halt at the end of this trail and was a bloke hanging out the window with a [ __ ] machine gun and what happened was the aid to an arm right on the jewelry shop in Milan the police had called him and he panicked he just started firing down his trigger all in at anybody the police was it in the front of the [ __ ] shops and I thought this this is in now that this is the end I don't even ever been shot at anybody so worried from Allan rock it's really terrifying you're running like I'll just ran in a panic and you're thinking what this could be the last thing I ever ever say I'll never see my family again with friends maybe that isn't a garden I'll die and I'll rot and the worms will eat me and that's it it's all going to end down like that and I'm running along and all that's going through my mind right and this Italian woman overtook me quite an attractive woman you know short dress she I remember quite vividly thinking [ __ ] hell she's alright in the very jaws of death because that's a big Sexy's not sick so [ __ ] illness is what it is right it is an illness it's like breastfeeding prick I have a real problem with breastfeeding but not me doing it obviously but now in the 90 so this is a brilliant thing I think women feel sort of independent selfish you a confident enough to be able to breastfeed in public great I really respect that but I get a bit awkward with him myself right I was in London as a woman I saw breastfeeding a kid in the [ __ ] dark what in the [ __ ] Park I know what I stopped that I said good good on good on ya [ __ ] well I've got me know as a sort of a sign of solidarity so no we do sister on this one she looked a bit puzzled but not was an upset you're the problem I am if you're annoying this man which are trying to be you're supposed to be able to talk to a woman who's breastfeeding as if maybe you hadn't even noticed I have to look up straight in the eye not these are dead look anywhere else on the planet right and I just told Rob which I'm saying yeah the weather doesn't know whether been getting all the weather just a the [ __ ] weather on that as long as two pieces of streamline from the eyes down to one hit for pulling me it forward completely agree net loss or something and I'm not gonna go I must not look down there what a lovely baby when's he gonna move he's [ __ ] it I've got a reputation you know real up with me makes girlfriends and wives he used to say oh we lost kid you know he lost when I first thought I heard down and he was around every damn [ __ ] was as well I'm telling him I'm figuring our little daddy the lovely little that he's angry enough no I've just fed him actually all now he's on Mina [ __ ] star no no just Fanny become look at it it's out I'll kill you for from Ho Chi Minh to me no gym it's a video of Vietnamese war atrocities we all do things in our lives though we think a big and clear but at the time but when we look back we feel a bit embarrassed and a bit of shame then a bit stupid about him such a thing right happened to me about 1516 months ago what happened was I had a fling it was now more than that really three or four weeks with a 16 year old girl no now I'm embarrassed about it not to me into Brad really I mean looking back now it was just some male vanity pathetic thing you know and at first there's something exciting about [ __ ] someone who doesn't remember the Ninja Turtles but you can't build the relationship on that and is a hot person Bobby what's the what's the sexual peak for a woman what age is that supposed to be you know 35 what is it for a bloke 19 you're gonna [ __ ] move on the looking boy the noise isn't this relation of one I was hopelessly in balance so if with a blow when they when they measure a bloke sexual pain that's when he can have sex over and over and over again offers him the most that's his pj's and right so and they measure it with a woman's sexual peak now is she is she some sort of sloppy anyway so we aren't anyway I had the fling right I remember the first night we spent together but for the first time I stood naked before right and I stood there like this wild extended ones how I will never know that it felt right she's I always remember sixteen years old remember she said to me she said you're like a dyke and I thought yes I know it's pathetic but I was really shocked you know till I realized she wasn't about the stretch marks on the ass anyway we carried on right we had we had some things she was from Aubrey by the way so we had that in common a few of the things we both liked but generally the age thing was a big problem you know and then then it happened I went out one day I left her in the flat and I was gone for no more than a couple of hours when I got back she had broken my 1966 England World Cup mug I was very upset it's bad enough for the girlfriend Branca 66 World Cup mob but when she does it [ __ ] skipping so you couldn't say obviously being too young generally got the significance but you could see I was very upset about she said all sorry I'll do anything I'll do anything to make it up to anything else it will yeah she said yeah I said what Bournville Boulevard no she said but fit up she said I'll do oral sex 16 I've heard of it when I was 16 I said well I said it well men the more Grilli but it won't do any harm but what really put me off right she said Royston [ __ ] now let's you think she didn't do it that and you'd think it would be fantastic sex you're peppered but in fact it was one of the worst moments of my life because after about oh no more than about 20 seconds or so you know after she started cheap she's starting crying I know I felt so I thought this is thethis young girl for a joy or child in many ways and I've corrupted it would be filthy vile filthy vileness I was really up a little over hair and everything artist and I felt so real oh and so bad but no real noise she wasn't upset I told Mr [ __ ] lemon was coming off I'll tell you some of them this is this is a terrible thing but I remember assigned to me quite clearly Center you're not gonna put me in your act oh yeah and I'll say old now so I said if I tell them how old you were that but he boomed me offstage you know she said you could always add a couple years no joke that was a joke in five you'll drown in a flood of ships pumpkin blood with this internet guide to get more anyway one last one less story this again is is true right and it involves a mate of mine some of you may know little Jewish blue glasses called David Baddiel right now me and Dave have been through a few you know tough times together as you may know he's a a jealousy supporter and I remember when Matthew Hardin died the Chelsea director thanks bye sensitive key came back to the audience it was a terrible thing right for Chelsea fans and dave was very upset and the following weekend Chelsea were playing at home it was a very emotional game as you can imagine and I went on to the Albion right so what I thought bad that Saturday night he was still upset and he said to me and asked he said did they have a minute's silence at West Brom sector now just the usual errand all but me and about eight mates went up Chelsea last February and Bill Clinton was [ __ ] furious she don't think she said to me to a girl for an ugly bird this is benefit rate said that's very broad-minded of you Chelsea most feminists in another way anyway we and dive like we were we had an invitation this has been just over a year ago we were invited to a film premiere and like I said I'll leave you with this story somehow you've got pops to go to it things now so the film which is one you might know is called a lot nice sing not necessary mother yet what do you think it is crap yeah terrible film but as Dave said it's free so we went right and the film called me they flew us up to Inverness so she may know that's where Loch Ness is near there and that's where the film premiere was it was a bit of a celebrity bash Anneka rice was there and Mickey Clark the celebrity hairdresser bit of a pond but well-known so we got up we saw the film which was not good right and then we had a very nice meal after that and then that night there was a big posh do and a dance always having a great time I'd put a suit and tie on on [ __ ] gone three right and I was talk to this attractive woman and we get nah we're having a fantastic time here then I saw Dave walking across the dance floor right doing this now I live with him for six years I knew what that meant right he came out when he said I could do with this [ __ ] why do men do that I could do that she I'll just flatten it out to be it was sort of a discus so I said boy if you telling me this right and meet some of the thing now this is the crux the story said the thing Gary says is that the toilets like individual cubicles you're going to lock the door that see you sitting there there's someone in the men's it said I can't wait I need to go in the women's but I want you to come on why don't anyone to see me coming down to there right come on come on so we went to the toilet together now I know there's been rumors but to be honest if I was gonna [ __ ] a bloke you wouldn't look like David Bowie and also imagine if dave was giving me a [ __ ] one day and I was there so in absolute dying [ __ ] Britain accidentally knocked his glasses off right one of them wanna help the some Asian God giving me a [ __ ] anyway we walk down like to the men's toilets right we didn't walk like this I don't know why I'm doing it now we got to the men's toilets and he was right was someone in there it was locked but by now there was someone in the women's toilets that was locked as well now dave was in a bit of a panic you say I can't come wait the circles were getting fast for anyone happy just calm down there's gotta be another toilet here so I went down and round the corner and the was there was a disabled toilet just one but it was empty so I said down as a disabled toilet these enough thank God he put down his points of Locker and he where needed mine so I thought no need to keep watch your bill right in there so I walked back up the corridor now as a walked of the corridor I had this idea now this doesn't show me in a very good noise but I didn't intended for public performance seem just a night messing about right so don't judge me too harshly so Allah didn't I tiptoed back down the corridor like this right to the disabled Tyler and I stood outside in silence for about a minute and a half till I knew dave was good and simple and then very gently I'll put me hand on the door as I say don't judge me too hard but what I did was I went now some might say bad ties right but as I say I didn't intend it for public involvement such a sucker might mess in about an hour so I didn't mean any [ __ ] weren't a tree right consents pension coming out the cubicle a new day was it they're doing too loud too [ __ ] loud this woman capri on the corner big tall scottish or a new uniform worked at the place she looks a villain she said what's going on I am not kidding you I'm not a man who gets easily embarrassed but I have never felt more embarrassed and he could have been worse could have been [ __ ] worse so I cuz I've just done this other idea you know when I said I'd put down his point along your body when I thought it'd be a bit of an laughs you know to stop really I was ever sick demented started doing that when this when this woman conquer as I say she looked at me and said what's going on and us know I confess this now and God help me for this I actually toyed with the idea and going we saw some Toby static and a downside after that when this woman it on person and took a blue beam point star so she said again what's going on and you know when you're a comedian you think you know you've got a bit of a fancy answer for everything the course it's not true and I was there I was caught red-handed and I stood there and she said what's going on and I said I was just trying to get me made to Orion ok let me get this right then I'm the bloke right who when his disciple friend goes to the toilet I stand outside rattle in the door and they're saying come on it's a [ __ ] matter with you but not only that so he understands me by way of translation I'll do it in a bit of among ye boys always cool I was in the wrong I had no defense and she was angry and quite rightly and would have been terrible but the situation was diffused somewhat by the very loud laughter that was start to come from inside thank you look you up in that brilliant crowds and I thanks ever so much for coming and a good luck to you and your teams as long as they don't finish as high as mine I don't mind when they finish man good night god bless you - see ya

Channel: darkofheartness77

Views: 486,705

Rating: 4.5570936 out of 5

Keywords: FRANK, SKINNER, LIVE, IN, BIRMINGHAM, Title, 5

Id: 4U2UaEGWq2E

Length: 74min 33sec (4473 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 17 2012