9/11 Conspiracy Theories & Intercourse With A Donkey | Jack Dee So What? BEST OF | Universal Comedy

so I you know have been traveling around all year and I it's the first two are done for six years so one of the joys of that is you see how much places change when you go around you got to Manchester's done amazing things has changed you go to you know or Liverpool's fantastic the changes there and you know and parts you know big parts of London the city of Londoners all and you Hammersmith but anyway I was in I was in Belfast and I haven't been there for a few years since I was last in Belfast they have opened a new place called the Titanic Center and yeah I'm sure as you'll remember the Titanic was built in Belfast and was such a massive success that they've decided to roll the brand out and merchandise coming out pretty soon I should imagine again the Titanic sank over a hundred years ago and we as a species don't seem to being able to accept this fact which is we we haven't absorbed it average it's time to move on and get on there's a guy in Australia called Clive Palmer a billionaire who is building an exact replica of the Titanic is calling it Titanic to be exactly the same and it is going to follow the exact route of the maiden voyage as if there were other ones of the Titanic and people have bought tickets for this and the idea is that they're going to get dressed up in Edwardian fashion you know top hats and everything and have a good old time on the but I kind of been the only person who found out about this and thought well I hope that hits a [ __ ] iceberg as well sinking God who knew why can we not just get over the bloody Titanic yeah very sad but it's happened let's go bust move on I am a 10 years ago the 90th anniversary of the Titanic they had a big exhibition at the Science Museum here in London some of you may have gone to it I want to light up with kids you know to the kids to that and because you know it was the first day of the holidays you know we've got two months so the kids ahead of you what are we gonna do the Titanic exhibition right next day we're gonna do today harsh and I was just that's just me on it so I took him along and you get given a ticket on the way and you go in and and they've got all kinds of artifacts that they found at the bottom of the sea gone to a lot of trouble to find this stuff where the Titanic was laid to rest eventually and and they brought all this stuff up and put it in the exhibition your first room is just full of it's a big great big glass container cabinet place with with a lot of plates in it lots and lots of plates in it yeah and people are going past looking at these plates it's quite hard to ignore the fact that people are going past going after all that trouble but okay so I mean I dream they were genuine plates of no way of telling who can you know I mean frankly they could have got any old plates and just [ __ ] them up a bit I'll be honest with you I've eaten in Nando's off very similar-looking place he go into the next room and actually there are more plates in the next row more plate I think it's part of the problem with Titanic they overdid the plates plates we're gonna need for this ship a hundred and fifty thousand tons of plates get them all along with otherwise we'll have to wash up before we get to America we don't just probably why it's sank it was just too heavy and it's a big been a big cover-up you know anything about it no one seen the iceberg since so it could be something there anyway the point where this is on the way in you are given a ticket right which is an exact replica of the original blue line Titanic ticket with a name on it and then on the way out what you have to do is check the name on your ticket against the names on the wall to see whether you survived or not isn't that a fun day out because it's raped you know all the kids survived yeah we survived the Titanic they got a badge we survived the Titanic a muggins ear got shot by the bosun for cowardice I you know I took the life jacket of a ten-year-old or saying um I'm always impressed when you see like dignitaries and they're meeting people they've never met all day and they always find something to say to them I think that's pretty clever thing to be able to do I mean you know the Queen whatever you think of the Queen meeting these people all day long that she's never met before they just go and then and this is my vision she's worked in this post office for 29 years she's got so what on the tip of her tongue nah I don't she's thinking you know I've met Nelson Mandela I don't give up but the popularity was just incredible I mean you know I was in Kettering on this tour right at the beginning of tour and I always get a local paper wherever I go I got a local paper and my eye was caught by this story says Queen visits Kettering on royal tour and I thought ah I'm a little surprised good Kettering isn't it wouldn't you know with all due respect you wouldn't you know put that at the top of your list of places to visit ever I mean you know and and I read the rest of the story it turns out that the Queen had actually gone through Kettering on a way to Leicester those who catch ring by train on her way to Leicester and there been a mix-up because the mayor had arranged for all the children in Kettering to be at the platform and station and wave flags when she arrived but the Royal party were not aware of this and so didn't stop basically so it was it was sad because all the kids were there go okay here she comes you're coming right now okay everyone get your flags out here she can't the air was hella queen if you had had a really fast action camera I imagine you would have just got a photograph of the Queen game it's awesome through Kettering moms I gotta say he wouldn't have been wouldn't have been the girls because the girls not class than that you know I found my experience with the girls is that they've never asked me for money the girls never once asked me for money not directly anyway they have more style on that you know much more so oh god yeah though they'll say something like I'm off out now dad I'll be back about 2:00 in the morning see ya okay have a nice time bye but hang on a second how you getting back oh I'll walk through the woods have some money couldn't cut the pin number please don't go out but it isn't this sad you just can't let your kids go out now you can't just let them out the door and gone are the golden days the innocent days a child who do you see a child go out by that I'm going to recording atop of the pottery jimmy savile bye bye [Music] goodbye my dear have a lovely time I should be at home watching it to knock out we deliver in the 70s [Music] she wouldn't down the girls wouldn't do that you know girls tell what girls poor oh that's what they did girls bar oh that's their big thing they like to bar okay boy it's kind of that bar off each other borrow a few borrow for everyone and no con server ever giving it back ever no remember with them with one of my girls she went off to her first festival a couple of years ago yeah at the Reading Festival she went to and and she said that I'm going through festival can I borrow the family ten please I said yeah absolutely you gonna festival you need a ten off you go yeah she takes the tent I said take the backpackers when you're sorted I hear all sorted it off she goes I pick her up from the station four days later don't covered in mud you know had a good time but no tent no tent complete absence of tent I would say number of tents about a person zero so so I said to her it was a [ __ ] tent upselling say exactly that I'm you know [ __ ] family ten and then you know then you hear these words and you know you're out you don't you know you don't count anymore in this one I said he said she said well what you don't get right what you don't get when you've heard those words you're out of the business you can't you can't do what you don't get right on the last day everyone was running around setting fire to their tents of course they were silly of me not to think about you've enjoyed the festival and why not why not round things off with arson any news on the backpack I left it there's no point bringing it back there's nothing to put in it once again your logic has defeated me I this is a thing I had to do a documentary thing I was doing some research for for radio and I was about to spirity theorists and it actually never did get broadcast why would that be one wonders but and I had to meet these guys and this this particular group their thing what they believed right was that the plane that hit 9/11 was actually a military missile set off by the US government to destroy the Pentagon and it wasn't it wasn't a plane at all right that's what they fervently believed so I said to them well how do you account for the fact that the American Association of Civil Engineers after their extensive inquiry came to the overwhelming conclusion that the impact profile was entirely consistent without 124 foot wingspan aircraft hitting the building at just such an angle whereby the lower wing would have hit the ground first thereby coming off before impact on the upper wing will be in the air not touching it at all giving the impression possibly of a wingless fuselage hitting the building although they did find in the debris they found remnants of an aircraft how do you square that with what you believe right now instead of saying as any sane person would say instead of saying oh my life so he's saying that you're what this guy said he said oh okay I think I see what's happened here you're a net two aren't you that's it we can't talk I mean you know really paranoid then he goes oh and explain this then explain this jack Osama bin Laden was assassinated the very same week that pope john paul ii was beatified at mmm coincidence or yes yes yes yes that is precisely what a coincidence is that that is more or less what the word coincidence was invented for before they had the work of incidents when things like that happen there to say you being a conspiracy theorist and a thirty year old virgin that I would say those two things come together people have prepared to believe anything on them you know I went to Ono a little weekend to Paris with Jane my wife and I like I like the doors and the band obviously not you know like the walls and I could go anywhere to see how it's good night really and I went to the I went to the cemetery where where Jim Morrison is laid to rest and someone's written on it Jim lives well there really is no telling some people as though and even I I was caught up in all that you know as a kid at my I was 14 years old and I was really into Judas Priest the band and you remember this one where they were accused of recruiting devil worshippers and that if you listen to the end of one of the traps have you listened to it backwards you can clearly hear the words the devil I was 8 14 times I must've been listening to the wrong track because the one I listened to just a stain your rubber bank a lot incredible in Chrome I took my eldest daughter for her first driving lesson and I was quite proud of that quite proud of that moment I was like I felt like a rite of passage when I was doing that you know I thought I've reached an age where I shall impart my knowledge of the highway unto my firstborn without actually thinking about what I was really really doing which is getting into a car my car for that matter to be driven on the road on a real road by someone who is as I've already said mentally ill I have never been more terrified in my life if you may need many of you may have been in this situation if you haven't my advice is do the first half hour in a quiet backstreet you can find one night we went to Tesco car park and you know did the first sort of half an hour of you know Kangaroo starts and wrong gear and reversing instead of going forward and you know scratching one or two cars or anything and then she had a go we're going we're going down the road and I said okay we're approaching a junction now I said now now would be a good time to start slowing down and see all the cars going across so actually we're quite close to the junction don't worry about slowing down just stop the car I want to die no I did not raise my voice I didn't know you're doing what you're doing fine doesn't matter about that let's look on the plus side at least you know how the airbags work you know just of course it was his forties you'd never a jump down that's the police for you they don't worry just just drive on he'll come around he'll come around you

Channel: Universal Comedy

Views: 529,760

Rating: 4.6818104 out of 5

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Id: UPHmTYKwil0

Length: 16min 3sec (963 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 09 2020