Jack Dee - Live At The Apollo | Season 1

like having people in my house when they're invited i hate it i hate having people to stay oh god don't you oh my wife is always asking people to stay and it's always i hate what it does to the house oh god it's not i come home i don't recognize anything no sliced bread in the house anymore no that has to be peruvian shepherd's loaf now made with sticks oh god i always put up this thing oh you know i hate having people just stay the only reason i let the kids stay is because it's the law and the circus doesn't come through here for christ's sake oh don't be like that it'll be as if they're not here no it won't it'll be as if they are here because they bloody well will be the house is totally different i mean you know the microwave isn't there anymore it's gone microwave has gone up to the loft it's gone complaining all the way up oh that's very nice indeed put me in the attic cause you've got to push friends come on don't mind using me the rest of the time but when you're going to push friends you put me why because you destroyed the espresso machine is brought out of the attic espresso machine could not be more delighted hey how are you huh i know scotching your hands since christmas i'm into espresso your friends come in flowers everywhere bloody flowers christ enough flowers to bury out and john jesus [Music] then they arrive then i'm dreading every minute then they arrive right hate it when people arrive to stay and they brought a gift with them oh oh especially if it's more flowers you know that you know oh jesus christ and they want to they want you to arrange them there and then don't do it now go on do it now i will okay put them in sparkling water they live longer right well there's tap water for you this weekend well they've been chocolates oh god what are these ferrero bloody rocher don't kid yourself they're not posh they're 2.99 they're rubbish you're going to bring a gift at least bring something that represents the value for money you're going to get this weekend for christ's sake ferrari don't you try and check into our hotel with ferrero rocher rochelle that'll do nicely thank you ambassador they are showing a lack of imagination [Applause] jane's aunt binky comes to say oh she's 109 years old and she has a pair of glasses for every activity you can imagine everything she you know for knitting for reading for writing for a crossword glasses she's like crush she's like she's like spec savers on crutches she's unbelievable and then she loses her bloody glasses she's oh you see my god surely you have a pair of looking for your glasses glasses bloody hell she turns up with so much luggage is unbelievable don't worry about that jack will take it upstairs oh [ __ ] willy oh god just sit down for dinner to sit down with you you know jane has produced this amazing thing a haunch of venison that is rolled in fine herbs with a mulberry juice which is very easy the great thing is you can pre-prepare it i've never i hate the coffee course as well i don't like the coffee course well because i do the coffee that's when they start seeing how far they can push it isn't it bringing a nice tray of coffee any chance of a tea [Music] are they offered to help i don't like guests who help do anything i do to go home we can do to help don't offer to dry up either don't bloody offer to dry out that's no use you want to help wash up because you don't know where anything goes in this house all right don't bloody dry i'll spend the next fortnight finding everything in the wrong sodding bloody cupboards i didn't know anything goes i just made a big pile of it therefore that's great i'll be up oh [ __ ] night doing that will no sodding able to go to bed go on they go to bed oh they leave their sponge bag in the bathroom you hate that they're really getting their feet under the table when they do that don't leave your sponge bag in the bathroom don't don't make me go through it oh yeah grubby little tubes of germaloid and christ knows what yeah make them put it back in the spare room they can't move in like if you don't you know what'll happen next day their toothbrush will be in your toothbrush marker yes their bristles will touch your bristles bingo you've got hepatitis that happens oh they come down the next morning now we're really into small talk nothing more to bloody saying nothing no they just talk rubbish they say oh you know this is nice tea what is it it's nice to you said it yourself our milkman brings fresh orange juice oh christ what time does your postman come i don't know well you're expecting mail now are you and they're never slept the way they normally sleep their eyes slept really well or they haven't slept well there's always gonna be something not quite the same oh i had trouble getting to sleep last night i didn't sleep very well actually didn't sleep very well fooled me christ it's gonna be an asthmatic walrus in the house jesus i started looking for the tube i didn't know where it went oh god oh oh i got up in the night i hope i didn't wake you don't wait me jesus christ an epileptic in a bowling alley would have made less noise than you getting up in the night frankly hope you didn't i'm just lying in bed hearing this like oh jesus oh i'm just laying in bed oh wash your hands nobody didn't wake you hope i didn't wake you or the worst no no worse than the noisy ones are the quiet ones you know the considerate guests who tipped her everywhere i went as quiet as i could i had to go look went as quietly as i could tiptoeing that's the stuff that wakes you up you don't know what the bloody hell it is opening a door handle like that [Music] hoping to wake you you're creeping around like a [ __ ] rapist of course you won't me [Applause] and then they go anywhere and then they go and they're gone and that's that thank god christ oh god then you have the etiquette thing you have to know you know what to do about the bed do you make the bed or don't you make the bed when you stay at someone's house i always go and check first thing as soon as they're at the door go and say well i see what they've done let's just go and see what decision they came to they've left the bed undone i knew it they think we're just squalling people that's what they're doing that's their comment that's i hate that so rude or worse they've made the bed oh because that implies that we're we're too slovenly to change the sheets for our next guests and of course we always would well it does cross your mind doesn't it is it any granddad isn't it next time usually so drunk he'll think it was him shut the bed don't stay at people's houses it's wrong don't do it real friends understand your need for space they do so my best friend i haven't heard from him for 15 years you see because he respects that about me he understands that you need friends like that you know friends change as you get older you know when you're a teenager friends are just ten a dozen i mean yeah they just come and go and they they come around your house you got your room have a cigarette out there out the window go out and set fire to a railway heart everything's a laugh it's fine but when you're older you're just you don't want any real friends you got enough you meet friends on holiday they're the worst oh god what a mistake how you drop your standards did well normally no we wouldn't talk to anyone in a shell suit but i guess we've stuck they've hired a car they've offered to drive us around the island why don't we do it anyway jesus what a mistake and then they because they ring you as soon as you're back in england hello it's ours you just have to explain look we're back in england we've got friends and a car okay piss off [Applause] my head going around to other people's houses as well don't like that going don't get invited over it's not a pain in the ass dinner party for dinner no i don't want to bloody want to you go around someone's house you ever done this you go go around someone's house and they ask you to take your shoes off we take our shoes off it would you mind i'm taking your shoes off oh screw i gotta pad around like a mental patient have i do you want my belt as well in case they're trying to string myself up or their children have stayed up because they wanted to see you oh he really wanted to see i've paid not to be with children tonight i don't want to see your kids hello i love to do today did you oh you have to take their way of doing hospital i hate it oh god we thought it'd be fun to have nibbles on the patio we thought it'd be fun to have nibbles on the patio oh nibbles on the patio you go they're not nibbles they're crisps anyway for christ's sake there's no effort put into this at all you lazy cow they're crisps at what point do they become nibbles just you put them out of a bag in a bowl not nibbles bloody kettle chips as well i hate them bloody it is like chewing shrapnel for christ's sake isn't it you can skin an animal with a kettle chip get one of those do a rabbit in a goat these are pretty handy you know selection of dips what the company yes i agree oh and they've made them they made their own dips oh bloody hell dude you can get perfectly good dips from marks and spencer at least we know they're edible you know a little cellophane top thing i made some hummus this is this this hearing aid beige plate of stuff dentists use jesus christ it's not a dip if the thing you dip into it snaps it is not a dip if you can't dip stuff in it it's not a dip if the cat has had some and now is upside down on the lawn you're right we could always go in the conservatory if you're like oh yeah great let's get covered in aphid droppings that would be good wouldn't it just about round off a nice evening i know what let's put the patio heater on oh i don't know what the thing is a patio heaters jeez it's like some kind of radioactive umbrella there they're really good look look it's great stop being on our ship's funnel no one can talk no i'm gonna hear anything one side of your face is burning oh jesus trust me the other half is just you know just cold number one they're great 400 pounds from home base well why don't we use the other thing that was 400 pounds from home base your house let's go in oh you sit down you sit oh we thought we thought we'd get a take away from our local it's really fantastic they all are everybody's local is fantastic they all they're all the same every indian take away is the same you know why because four miles underground is one bloody great kitchen they just pump the stuff up through pipes and now i've got to eat it at your house jesus christ then they come around with a coffee come on with a coffee i'm saying what what if i want tea for christ's sake you think of people all you can really think of is you know when are they going to hand around the ferrero rocher i brought what's the matter with these people you

Channel: Tom's On

Views: 23,185

Rating: 4.7894735 out of 5

Keywords: Jack Dee, Live At The Apollo, comedy

Id: jS_HbJRdY_Q

Length: 15min 0sec (900 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2020