Axis Of Evil Comedy Tour ENG Full Show

you guys are those things oh yes we are yeah it's the axis of evil comedy tool hold it what is on a Obeidallah Oh Madonna would that be uh peaceful friendlier don't look like no air be from the eastern part of Palestine thank you guys so much for coming out to the axis of evil let me ask how many people have a Middle Eastern heritage here tonight it's great to see so many Middle Eastern people coming together in one place voluntarily really we want to thank everyone who has come out to support us there the Iranian / Persians Arabs white people FBI ATF Homeland Security Homeland Security the cameras are for Comedy Central it's a big sting operation thanks for being a part of it and we got you so I just flew in from New York yesterday for this show I'm so happy to be here it's the first time though I had to go through the new security screening we have to put all your liquids in a little plastic bag I'm sure people have been through this now because terrorists allegedly are gonna mix fluids together on the plane and build a bomb let me ask this don't you think you'd get a little bit suspicious if you're sitting on the plane you look next to you the guys got 10 bottles with different fluids on his trade table he's got goggles on and gloves and a Bunsen burner he keeps pouring and closing his eyes and he looks at you like do you have any lemon juice or turpentine or something whenever you hear these plots you know the Middle Easterners gonna make your life more difficult is it I mean I think more people would rather fly with snakes on the plane than Middle Eastern people at this point but to keep us safe we've got a thing call the Patriot Act everyone's heard of the Patriot Act remember we had a thing called freedoms at one point now we're the Patriot Act you know what's amazing look I got to say this honestly as someone of Middle Eastern heritage it's really important we catch terrorists as Americans and also it makes our lives obviously so much more difficult if someone's Middle Eastern does something but do you guys know under the Patriot Act any book you take out of any public library the government can find out the name of that book you actually think guys in al-qaeda are going to public libraries and taking books out are they going okay we've been planning this for years but we need a bulky and and we're like $30 over-budget okay it's me I had an impulse buy okay Omar will you go to the library and tonight not to look suspicious and he walks in cuz hello miss like Betty and how are you I was looking for a book for me and the guys in our club do you have a pocket how do you say waging a jihad against the infidel dog eyes then is there a holy water section out here someplace honestly do you really think there are books in the library titles that would give guys and I'll Qaida away like I'm al-qaeda you're al-qaeda or Chicken Soup for the terrorist zone it scares me the government wants to know what you're reading President Bush wants to know what you're reading you know why he's jealous I'm not saying you can't read I'm just saying he probably prefers others reading to him okay he moved up slightly the last few months in the approval ratings but as of last week new poll he's fallen back to a thirty four percent approval rating statistically they put in perspective herpes has a higher approval rating right now than President Bush ecoli is gaining on the man okay spinach is gonna beat him any day I'm pretty sure now I have problems are the policy wise but he is funny at times as a president I mean he says I don't know how most people most people say al Qaeda or Al Qaeda right listen to President Bush I'm not exaggerating he now says al Qaeda al Qaeda it's got him a Middle East terrorist group to a Mexican restaurant he's like being a lookout for al Qaeda their head chef Jose bin Laden he makes an evil chimichanga so is it mention I am I'm from Eastern Palestine also known as New Jersey and uh I'm from New Jersey i mixers my father is Palestinian my mother is Italian and for the non Italians here maybe you can relate to being Italian have you at least been to the Olive Garden here on a tank top to a job interview just my mom fair enough my last name is OB doll I know many people in here can relate to this for the non Middle Eastern people do you know what it's like being of Arab heritage with a Muslim last name living in America the last few years I could use a hug it is solely for for 9/11 I'm just a white guy living like a typical white guy life all my friends at names like Monica and Chandler and Joey and Ross I go to bed September 10th white wake up September 11th I'm an Arab and it's weird to be Arab in a different world it's a place where people say things to my face about my own heritage I think one of the best ways to explain what it's like to be Arab American now is to share with you some of the comments people have said to me about my own heritage to my face and I've actually written them down in this notebook together with a name and address of each person who said it but these are actual I'm not exactly these are actual comments people say when I tell my mer oh you're Arab Wow I love hummus Oh your air okay nothing more oh we're ah that's exotic yeah like Kiwi you know I'm sweet tasty little hairy oh you're Arab why are people so angry all the time caffeine I don't know the time oh you're Arab but you look so nice this one makes little sense but I've heard this several times oh you're Arab what a coincidence I love Indian food and a friend of mine said well you look pretty white I understand how I look but it's my last name Obeidallah it gets attention a friend said why don't you translate it into the English translation maybe no one will pick up my ethnic heritage during these difficult times let me share with you literally what Obi dalla means you tell me it'll help Obi dalla translates into servant of Allah that's not helping at all is it folks dean's servant of Allah how difficult would it be for me to make airline flight reservation for the rest of my entire life call American Airlines hi two tickets to LA a name Oh mr. Sherman de Paula okay hang on let me transfer the correct Department FBI it's been so difficult at times honestly being of Arab heritage in this post 9/11 world I've actually wished that the drug companies in America would have come out with a medication like a paxil or Zoll of just for Arabs at this time I could turn on TVs like hello are you depressed because no one wants a fly in the same plane as you are you anxious because you resemble several people on the government's most-wanted list are you angry because every time you go to the airport you are randomly selected for extra screening you get randomly selected even when you're just dropping a friend off at the airport do you just want to be treated like a white person again then you need Arabic on the first medication designed especially for a bur Americans in the post 9/11 world Arabic guy goes right to work within days your facial and body hair will stop growing that goes for Arab men and women within weeks you no longer your used words like a BB or my friend instead you start saying words like pal chief and amigo and Allergan comes in great flavors you'll love including hummus falafel and lamb side effects include loss of our identity pretending to be Puerto Rican dry mouth and diarrhea honestly I was nostalgic for my childhood you know when I grew up being Arab which is like viewed as people curious about it I've ever in place for Lodi New Jersey where they were literally two ethnic groups when I was growing up in Lodi you were either Italian or you were my father that was the town and my dad is an accent cuz he's born in the Middle East the kids from Jersey I'm sure you've seen The Sopranos they have that accent and when they met the fun would begin they meet my dad like yo mr. Obeidallah what's going on how you doing what's going on my dad looks at them I don't know what is going on my wife tells me nothing Dean what is it are things going down please somebody tell me what it is and the Jersey kids were look at me your dad is such a freaking weird accent we see from well he was born in Palestine they're like oh southern Jersey like no no no the Middle East like Oh like Ohio okay sure why not oh hi and my father is Muslim and my mom is Christian and I was raised exposed to both religions and my dad this flea tree would come to church with us on Christmas and Easter to be part of the family and he took communion one time ever and he comes back and I look at him I go what do you think of communion he looks at me goes it needs more salt I said dad it's not a snack it's the body of Christ it was this I understand why does not taste better I do not get it okay you can't have like a natural flavor or baklava something fun for everybody no I think the problem is that people are afraid of us they don't know really who we are I mean honestly there are basically two news stories about us there and it's no one's fault but there are there's the bad story where we describe this militant gunmen and terrorists and then the occasional positive one where we're described as alleged militant gunmen or terror I'm jealous we don't get a whole month that celebrates our heritage like other groups in America African Americans Black History Month Asians Asian Awareness Month ass panic or in his month what do we get orange alert not what we want and I'll tell you this even the most open-minded people you've been conditioned by the media to be afraid of people with accents and I can show you I can say the same thing with or without a middle-eastern accent it can change the whole meaning why if I go hey wait till Friday night we've been planning this for months people be talking about this for years it could be a party right if I go wait till Friday night we've been planning this for months people be talking about this for years scary right it's scary because sadly are all racists okay and so our world is chain and I'll tell you I always tell people I'm not white now anymore and they go well you look white I understand but white to me in America is not skin color it's status it's the way you're treated in society and let's put it this thank you my one friend but let me wear this way there's different we to us and white people's white people never suffer as a group when a few people do something bad in their group you know Middle Eastern people do and honestly white people let's be honest done your fair share of bad things corporate scandals presidential assassinations NASCAR Paris Hilton country music that is audio terrorism to me mine and then people aren't satisfied enough racial profiling of Arabs and Middle East people's not enough now have you heard this they won't do religious profiling of Muslims at the airport but it's not your passport so is now a TSA officials gonna throw in a little question here and there to figure out your religion lest I doubt subtly like oh did you pack your own bag what do you think a pork if I drew a cartoon of Mohammed would you get mad when I say Mecca do you think of a holy place or an urban clothing line maybe a lot like a huge ham sandwich at the check point if you don't bite it extra screening we're so racially profile now and I specifically say Arabs because of this expression I've heard this expression on TV people have said now Arabs are the new blacks cuz law enforcement is now focused on Arabs over blinds I'm gonna be honest when I heard the expression Arabs the new blacks I was excited I'm like oh my god we're cool white kids in the suburbs and the OSI and Jersey instead of acting black to be Google start acting Arab with their friends dressing Arab wearing like traditional Arab headdress tilted to the side to be cool open shirt gold chain smelling like lamb walking up to each other going what up Mustafa we're my Arabs add Arab please white kids pimping their cars look like taxicabs but you know what Arabs and new blacks makes no sense whatsoever that doesn't mean anything you know what sadly Arabs Middle Eastern people Muslims in America we are the new enemy we've replaced the Soviet Union and we are stuck here till somebody replaces us that's why I'm begging all of you to help me talk North Korea as much as possible it won't take much Kim jong-il North Korean leaders crazy he wants attention he's like the middle child of the axis of evil Muskaan have you seen with a big glasses my hair is like a James Bond villain you know cats and stuff and I get idea to get Bush interested we tell Bush King jong-il it's got tons of oil in his hair so but before I go I could only hope that I mean we all hope people understand this more I also hope selfishly for peace in the Middle East I have a lot of uncles and cousins who live in the West Bank I'm sure other people have family there or they're tied to them to the region by religion and I so believe that a hotel Mart the Prime Minister of Israel and Abu Mazen president of Palestinian people made peace one they get the Nobel Peace Prize that's a given I also think they would get commercial endorsements worldwide as a result hear me out one day you turn on TV say hello I am Dole Mott and I am Abu Mazen for over 50 years our people have fought each other tooth and nail in fact we hated each other very much but through it all we've always agreed on one thing the great taste the Miller Lite less filling tastes great less filling Jason ah now we fight only about beer you guys thank you very much god bless you wait you supposed to take off your jacket but I do a body search for you oh yeah no leave them touch close this is uncomfortable yeah that's not necessary yes it is hanadarko eventually coming out to the axis of evil comedy tour my name is Amidala we have Dean Obeidallah who's Palestinian Aaron caters Palestinian Maz Jobrani is Iranian we're still looking for North Korean second aunty we're auditioning tomorrow afternoon next year we're gonna do the axis of evil comedy tour the musical on ice so look out for that I heard Dean earlier asked how many Middle Eastern people were here how many white people here at my white people welcome to our meeting this is this is gonna be fun fun fun I gotta say it's a bad time to be from the Middle East in fact I read a statistic on cbs.com that said right after 9/11 hate crimes against Arabs and Middle Eastern people and Muslims went up over a thousand percent yeah which apparently still put us in fourth place behind blacks gays and Jews you guys know this we're still in fourth place so what do we have to do I mean we can't even win in hatred I want to be number one in something such a bad time I gotta fly to London at the end of the month and I hate flying because my name is on like nine lists I googled my name and it matches the name of a guy in the Middle East he was a terrorist I think he's in the Middle East googling me going there's this guy in America man people go up to him hey man you're so funny tell me a joke I'm not the comedian I'm a terrorist told me to prove it to you I'll blow myself up right now I swear I hate fly notes because I always have to go through the to the TSA then we start we go mr. Achmed we have to pat down your midsection so I always look at him and I go promise whenever I get on a plane I always know who the Air Marshal is yeah it's always the guys sitting there holding the People magazine upside down looking right at me I went to hotwire.com to order a ticket online anybody ever use Hotwire calm that's a shady website they make you purchase your ticket first then they tell you what airline you're flying out on and what time you fly out so I purchased a ticket and it turns out Ida fly out at like 4:30 in the morning I'm like Zimbabwe air stop Weber on Bangladesh and sit next to farm animals and they ask you all these questions on the website like are you prepared to swim can you operate a parachute this conversation never happened when I line up order a ticket on Southwest Airlines anybody to go to Southwest Airlines they aren't G they're so cheap when I got on the plane the pilot asked me for gas money that's all cheaper all right all the reason I fly Southwest is because then we'll check Middle Eastern people try it every time I fly Southwest well if it's time I made you a yeah you're Arab and you're Muslim huh all right go ahead white crash before you doing it my god I watched a lot of the news man I love watching the Middle Eastern people on the news talk about what's going on in the Middle East because all Middle Eastern people always start each sentence with the dumb United States of America they come into our country and they bomb or just finish the sentence Mustafa I got to go to Dubai I did comedy in Dubai that's a Muslim city and anybody ever been to Dubai here Dubai heaven how cool is that place it's a little like it's a little decadent for me little opulent for me the guy that Emir the guy who owns the whole city he has the only seven star hotel in the whole wide world and Dubai when critics asked who gave it seven stars he was like I give it seven Stern it's a schizophrenic place because you walk down to the beach and you'll see a Muslim woman wearing hijab then you see European men in speedos you'll see a mosque and the right across the street from the mosque there's a nightclub so right around 8 o'clock every night all you hear is I don't know I'm so confused should I go play or should I go dance not good sure oh please God help me with your editor kak Sam please Muslims will come out to mingle comedy I don't like it when you joke about Islam okay that is Haram that is against God yeah I'll take a Heineken lelouch it just hit me Chris I asked the audience when I want to device how many Muslims are here they're like I go I got how many you practicing they were like you know you're a Muslim when you drink gamble have sex but you won't eat pork that's the weirdest thing you won't eat for sad live in Los Angeles California there aren't any Muslims in Los Angeles Calif a lot of Jews any juicer the producers are Jews you're gonna get me fired oh well my friends like hey man had a twenty Jewish friends what about the Jews the Muslims the war and hate and all that tell me about that let me think about it both Jews and Muslims have more in common than any other religion ever both Jews and Muslims don't eat pork we don't celebrate Christmas we both use our pronunciation we both yell on the phone when there's no emergency the only difference between Muslims and Jews is that Jews never like to spend any money and Muslims never have any money to spend that's all I'm different between the Muslims and the Jews that's what I'm trying to tell you I love living in Hollywood cuz I've been I've been blessed to work with great people and and I stopped doing acting a long time ago and I got into comedy because in the acting world they always stereotyped you like I was always cast to play the terrorists imagine that I was in a movie a while back where I played a terrorist and the movie was about a bunch of terrorists who hijacked an airplane imagine that my agent comment said we should go in to read for this part so what's the part she said terrorist number four because number one two and three went to a black guy gay guy to Jew number four didn't even want to go in on the role my agents like going to me for this part sorry I'll just go in to meet the director so I go and meet the director the casting director I read my lines over the top because I just wanted to have fun with it the director went nuts he was like okay do it one more time sit down you will obey Allah he's upping his language that's exactly to look at rocketed I want to see you do it again but this time give me a little bit more of that Middle Eastern you know how your people are very yeah sounds like angry yes exactly use that hidden Middle Eastern anger that your people possess so I used my hidden Middle Eastern anger that my people possess I got before my couple the next day said they want to put you in a smoothie I was like I wasn't trying for the roles making fun of it whatever you did it worked they want to put you in this film I said look Tom I said thanks but no thing so we can I take a part like this it's like feeding the beast it's like putting fuel on the flame no way and then she said they're gonna pay you $30,000 for a week at work sounds like burn it all down so now we're doing the comedy fake in front of what's going on in the Middle East we have to we have to laugh at ourselves I think right people we have to laugh at ourselves I'm watching the news too and it's like it's kind of messed up because we're showing like all these terrorist groups okay there's like several organizations out there Islamic Jihad people think husband law Hamas al Qaeda this there's so many how do you know which one is the best one to join like if you choose to join a terrorist organization how do you know which one is the best one to join is it like rushing a fraternity I think they have recruiters these guys sitting outside of the mosque going up to these little Muslim boys come here hey baby come here come here or they talk to Camille don't go to al-qaeda their come to the Islamic world over why you asked of the only promise you 72 virgin will give you 72 virgin one and I go you no she did not tell you that tell me she did not take no she did not you know she did not know Palestine beautiful beautiful thanks for coming my name is Aron Kader I'm a Palestinian any Palestinians here yeah usually Arabs don't come to a comedy show I mean it's really difficult I mean in the past Arabs would come to the comedy show but they'd sit in the back in the dark ago yeah that was funny I like that very funny very good hilarious my friend seriously that's almost very you can almost hear me laugh it's that good that stuff with anyone who thinks Arabs don't have a sense of humor I will kill you and burn your flag I went to it we have a very good sense of humor my grandfather when he immigrated to this country his name was Abu Saud heir but then Ellis Island they changed his name to cater so my last name is cater so if I ever have a child if it's a boy I'll definitely name am al al cater it's a good thing if I have a girl I'll name her Garf Darth Kader yeah my dad my dad comes from a Palestinian family and my mom comes from a Mormon family from Utah yeah any any Palestinian Mormons here Mormons are another group that never comes to see comedy they just feel guilty immediately if they laugh yeah I got a cousin named you had any Chad's here it's a very popular name in the late 70s I got a cousin named jihad he takes the bus now everywhere can't fly uh he called me from a Greyhound station seriously and he calls meetings like this Suk's or frisking me and I do mean looking at me footage screw this man I'm changing my name to Raymond that's been their names Raymond Abdullah Majeed that doesn't change anything thank ya growing up Palestinian two people would be like what are you Greek Italian Jewish what are you Palestinian a Castilian what the hell pack of still eeeh that sounds made up so where is Pacus to lea like there's no such country as PACA still yet I guess there's no Palestine either you ever heard of Israel Oh see you're Jewish hey Rox do we have to throw goddamn I mean we're responsible for like half the terrors in the last 50 years huh let's pronounce the right Palestine Palestine palea cheese hurry whatever Joe geez never looked at a man when I turn nineteen that Mormons asked me they pulled me aside they didn't want me to feel left out so the Mormons after me asked me if I wanted to be one of those Mormon missionaries you know the Mormon missionaries I ride a bike and wear a nametag and sleep in a bunk bed with another body for two years I part my hair in one side and I read one book and now I get it you know they asked me to be that guy they're like have you thought about going on a mission I went yeah I look to an Arab emissions a whole different deal generally we don't come back from those thanks for asking I have my own little mission my own little personal mission which is to go back to the homeland right go see where my grandma came from go visit I got hundreds of cousins that I've just heard about you know never met so you know over the years I've been there a few times most recently I was back in the Middle East in anybody here ever been to the Middle East yeah that's great see because we got Middle Eastern people here but generally if somebody says I've been to the Middle East it's like marine Army Navy Air Force which one but uh you know I went I went over there after 9/11 and and I was visiting a cousin in Amman Jordan right and I'm driving around with my cousin who's like all bitching and moaning about America right you son of a emit ether America think you're so strong so powerful so big and throwing Arabs love the cuss in English they cuss their heads off in English they won't do an Arabic because then God could hear them but an English no problem God doesn't speak English you know you son of a bastard United States become so big and strong and powerful this is United States you are a paper tiger you will fold you will see you hungry you want something to eat lovey we got Burger King McDonald's Pizza ha ha DS there is a new place called ta I have Friday's looks good you don't want you love time you want coffee we got Starbuck us you're like a Starbucks Starbucks ah I like that place they got the Frappuccino I like that so good that's a good have you had you oh oh you've had them all you've had back in the United States sorry United States think they own everything bull which hotel you going to Chariton Hilton Marriott Tori right I had to stop my cousin in the middle is and I was like listen fayez if America goes down were taking Snickers and Coke and Pepsi and Twix you know we're not leaving to mcnugget behind you understand we go down it all goes down with us and he got mad it stops the car no no no no no no no no no you leave these things leave the skittle and Kit Kat and the Baby Ruth you want to take something take KFC I don't like the honey wings what the hell is a honey wing like honey flies with wings that's American propaganda that's what I realized how America dominates man America just dominates with products like I climbed the top of Mount Sinai where Moses spoke to God who did I speak to a little Egyptian kid with an Igloo cooler going it on Betsy snick Addis yeah you are how mystical and magical up here I look very sure but that's how we do it we just have product I mean you have a hundred percent chance anywhere on earth of finding a coke you'll never go without a Coke or a Pepsi or a Snickers man you can find it a hundred percent of the time everywhere you know you have better than a 50/50 shot of finding a McDonald's I mean other ethnicities they can't find that I mean like there's a Chinatown in every big city in North America but they don't have a candy bar that sells very well you know I mean they don't have I mean the only reason I could think of is that we don't like sesame seeds in our candy bars right but other than that there's a Chinatown in every bit you mean how many China towns do you need to see right once you've seen one Chinatown you kind of seen them all there's green dragons and orange chicken and peanut sauce I got it you know but people are always trying to push you into China to go to Chinatown go check out Chinatown is pretty sweet have you seen China towns like you've seen it I'd like to go to China and find like you know America Ville us a town right here come on in man we got burgers and fries and we got a satellite dish on with the game and Chevy's parked out back it's shame your Lords China spirit man with chopping wood burning it but Americans don't really leave this country to go set up little American communities in other countries do it but we do it we call them military bases different way of spreading our thing we have military bases in 149 countries and I was like I didn't know there were 149 countries on earth that's a lot of cut I like the way we went to war because I like every time Bush approaches the podium he does one of these this has hands out I hate I don't know why but he always gets that look in his face before he talks I always get that look in his eye right like I'm about to say some Oh serious that's a bunch of serious face I'll sure why are you smiling cuz I'm serious remember we went to war like he comes out and he looks at the pony goes he looks right in the camera goes hi Saddam hi like what is Saddam in Baghdad watching CNN like oh my god is he dumb to me holy crap man go other some pizza let Steve on this no the president is threatening me hey Saddam we're sick and tired of your games understand sheikha thar he gets so sick and tired he is you can always sense it when he's in a press conference because when he gets questions he always does this that's a serious problem we're take care of it next question I wish Bush to get it I mean sometimes Bush deflects questions you know like he'll get the question and he'll just deflect it all together and just say some things we already know like you know look you want to get some work you walk around you understand like we're stupid you know I mean get on a bus or a bike or a motorcycle or a train or a car so in so many ways you can go all right are you fly next question Thanks thanks dr. Phil there's that situation up I wish Bush would snap at a press conference one time wouldn't it be great if he just like lost his cool like he was at an outdoor press conference lost his speech in the wind as little air piece falls out he has to improvise you know gets that one question from Helen Thomas he doesn't want to deal with you know it just goes how about you they're brand sane people hey thanks get all that same together make them sell some body scrub exfoliate themselves they're all trust me next question if Bush just came out and called everybody in the Middle East a don't you think half of America maybe more than half would go I like that right there that's honest appreciate all right you guys thanks for coming out oh my god you are actor Archie 13 going on 30 hoop fried answer man yep oh the interpreter guilty I like that the movies you having a chick oh this blue this help with that with that I like that kind of movie I'm the Iranian / Iranian eat up doo-doo-doo-doo feed up that's what we chant at soccer game um so yeah I'm the Iranian it's funny cuz people I tell them my American friends I go yeah I'm Iranian they go oh so you're air up and I'm like no we're actually different we're not Arab but you know I mean we're similar you know we're all getting shot at you know that's one thing but you know but Iran Ian's are actually ethnically we're actually you know we're Aryan we're white we're right so stop shooting you know that's what I'm trying to and and then my American friends go well how can we tell you apart how come and I go well it's in the accent it's in the accent Iranians when Iranians are speak they talking about this slaughter Iranian stuff like this your audience talk like these we talk vinius slow like you know maybe they just shot some heroin we are falling asleep oh you are you I'm Iranian how are you hey Dona don't you know gee is it on your make it easy don't worry about it hey Tonya and Adam Adam talk a lot faster Edda talk faster I talk a lot faster and I'm starting to do some cocaine it on in the slaw you know naeun we like you know me you know I don't even say that Iranian Iranian say their passion save your page and you know it sounds nicer and friendlier be even a smile when they say my peasant be smile I am Pearson I'm not dangerous I am vision like the cat meow I am the cat I am Persian like the rug hello now the colorful hand-woven and a faster edible oven and it's funny to biggest because Arab I like my friends like I met I met these guys like when they speak perfectly perfect English no accent but when they say the word Arab they get very guttural very you know they're very proud to be air and it's weird is very violent like I was like hey dude where are you from again he's like me what am i me me me I'm Adam what the hell calm down I'm all right I am Persian irani is to like you know we like we're very sneaky about we're like I am patient okay we have a nuclear program okay we have but it is a peaceful nuclear here let me blow you up and be hot you know that's an easy snake-headed oh my god yeah yeah yeah but no we are very similar now man we are I know you guys get like I get like stupid questions I know you do too like like people think just enough from the Middle East I'm an expert on the Middle East so like I got a friend like any time the gas prices go up you'll always ask my opinion about it always call me hey Maz hey Mazz I'm in your opinion what's going on with this gas thing what is what's gonna happen what's going on 50 words or less break it down would you you are my middle-eastern friend uh like dude I don't work in OPEC I don't know I pay the same price as you you know like I don't have like a discount pump at the gas station if I don't walk in like that's not Jose a discount boat ramp yeah America I get stupid questions same guys they said I know when the next terrorist hit is going down he'll ask my opinion about hibbott hey mas what's the word on the street I'm like what street dude cuz I probably watches CNN I know you know somebody what's going on I tell them dude I don't know any terrorists okay I've never met one or talked to one not even accidentally you don't ever been home late one night gotten a phone call picked it up and heard like hello Hasan it goes down tomorrow with midnight who is this oops sorry wrong number it's funny cuz I actually I do get those questions and I did that joke one night at a show and another friend of mine was at the show and then he emailed me the next day he was joking with me emailed me on my hotmail he said hey Maz had a great time last night at the show by the way when's the next terrorist hit going down haha so I got on my hotmail and I was like well I'm not being flagged I can respond right so I was like hey man I've been talking to al-qaeda and um the next terrorist hit is going down the Lower East Side of Iceland ha ha sin yeah next day tried to log on a hotmail account close access denied cuz like oh my god I got flag I got flag I was freaking out I tried to contact hotmail you know to tell him I'm a comic i'ma cut I put haha I put haha now canada's afoot haha right how can isn't send emails American peace must die haha they don't do that you're like forward emails you know Mustafa gonna love this one lol laugh out loud cannot do that and I tried to contact hotmail but they don't have a phone number go home try and look it up there's no phone number for hotmail so I have to find it I found out who owned them Microsoft Network I called them up I said hello Microsoft you know I'm having some problems I'm a comic and I try to explain they go well we can't help you out but we'll put you through to someone who can and I swear I think they passed me through to Iraq I think because you know because it used to be you know they would send you to India protect support you know but I think Iraq is cheaper now I sorta got dog is like you know I know the accent you know if it were India be like hello what is going on you having trouble with your hotmail let's take care of it you know but it wasn't it was an Arabic accent like what is going on and I think it was Iraq because she was in a rush to get me off the phone like there was a war going on the background I'm sure she's like well you know I think something we didn't Hawk now there's a war going on here Jeff disabled ha ha doesn't make it funny all right you're heckling me from a rock what's up with it and then it took me weeks it says send emails I had to send e-mails back and forth weeks weeks weeks finally I'm on the internet I'm so happy I'm back but I'm freaked out on the internet you guys should be too don't joke on the internet okay like I'm on that myspace now and you can go and you know join my myspace you know myspace.com / Maz Jobrani yeah yes yeah a me as a friend we can be friends but don't send me an email going like hey Maz was the next terrorist hit going down cuz I'll respond you I'm a patriot you're looking for Ahmed Ahmed oh my god but no but I love about what we do with our show you guys is all about putting out the positive and expressing that we can come together and laugh you know like I always talk about this you know I'm originally Muslim but I have friends from all religions all ethnicities and I've told them man you're celebrating in your religion let me know I'm coming I'm celebrating with you I've done it yeah yes yeah yeah man I have I have Christian friends and bhai Rennes and Jewish friends all of my celebrating my Jewish friend one time actually invited me over for Shabbat dinner one time Friday night yes I went I had it was great time gave me a matzo ball I ate it it was delicious it was give me a yarmulke I put it on it was cool yeah but it was weird cuz as soon as I put on the yarmulke I started coming up with business ideas is that supposed to happen my IQ increase by 20 points my bank account double the restraint no actually I did come up with business ideas put on the yarmulke I'm bald they started sliding I was like dude you need like a Velcro yarmulke and he's like he can't do that I go okay how about a suction cup yarmulke that's a brilliant idea just lick it and hava nagila no man it is it's cool though you know but like and the thing that the frustrates me is when I see us on TV nowadays who they always show they always show the crazy dude burning the American flag going back to America always that guy just once I wish they would show us doing something good man right just was right yeah man show us doing something good like you know like baking a cookie or something right cuz I've been to Iran we have cookies just once I want CNN it'd be like now we're gonna go to Mohammed in Iran they go to some guys like hello I'm Mohammed and I'm just picking a cookie I swear to god no bombs no flags nothing back to you mom the whole news piece they're never gonna do that even if they were did that they followed up with another news piece of like this just in a cookie bomb just exploded Mohammed you're sneaky Farah John always we get the bad end like in the World Cup you guys watch the World Cup you saw her girl right right get the famous head guard you saw the headbutt right and it was the French dudes in a Dean sedan and the Italian dude Matt that I see and there were it looked peaceful it looked peaceful and they were walking back and Materazzi grabs the Dan's Jersey you know and the Dan turned to him and was like you can have it if there's a game you don't like to say like oh you a gay let's go you know that kind of thing yeah telling I was like yeah I'd rather abandon your sister that's what he said yeah and her dad was if you don't digital my sister like that you know and he went over and he had one in the boom right in the chest and you're telling I was like our dad to hurt and he went down yeah but what I observed as a Malaysian I watched the French reaction and before the whole thing the French loves it and they were like we love zinedine zidane synod easy done is one of us he's a French champion we love him he's the best unit easy time we call him Zissou here's the shop we love him after the head butter like these guys Algerian we should have never thrown you know crazy we get the bad rap man you know was doing well and breaking stereotypes mainstream media and I'm proud of them are Asians breaking stereotypes mainstream media this is how I figured this one out I was watching there was a car commercial for Mercedes Benz and the drivers of the car and the commercial were Asian yeah how crazy is that Rika's a stereotype the stereotype is Asians can't drive that's the stereotype right but versus like no they can draw they will drive they'll drive our cars right I mean if you want to read between the lines you could say Mercedes is making a racist statement you know you could say me to say this ain't hey we're a safe car so safe even Asians can drive it well at least there's Asians in commercials breaking stereotypes right Middle Easterners aren't breaking stereotypes not in commercials right you never turn on the TV see like I get out of Airlines commercial with a Middle Eastern pilot may never see me standing gonna come fly the friendly skies I dare you and here's my thing two people a cool man people are cool politicians mess it up politicians put us all against each other man I don't like any of them ours there's no like bush I can't believe he's the president even if you voted for him you got to admit you got him in every time he's on TV he just doesn't look presidential he does every time pushes on TV I'm watching I'm like he's not the president someone's pulling our leg someone's messing with us every time I see Bush on TV I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher don't I be like you've all been Punk'd right Osama comes running out of the KB's like I was in on it too makes sense Osama has been hiding for six years think about it that's a good hider people that guy is a great I can't hide for more than six minutes this guy's doing it for six years Osama is like the Michael Jordan of hiders think about it I bet you come out of high school he was voted most likely to hide right like I bet you as a kid whenever he was gonna play hide and seek the other kids were pissed because he knew think it was gonna take forever I definitely do that Osama play the game's gonna take six years you know okay fine go hide I'll count one who we're gonna miss her high school graduation three poor he's so cool how does he do it five six he's just gonna hide in a cave again seven eight and put out the videotapes Osama actually I heard recently he had a magazine he put out a magazine called the jihad magazine he did they did it like what I'm like what kind of articles are in that like what you know what is it like fifty ways to lose weight number one blow yourself up good Mustapha lost 200 pounds in one second Iran politicians of Iran are talking to America why why would you talk to America America has recently bombed your neighbors America's bombed Iraq and Afghanistan Iran is in the middle it's a good time to be quiet right it's like like being in an Michael but the bouncers knocks out your friends and you're still talking right I'll tell you why your on is talking there's a lot of opium usage in Iran yes the politicians are high you have to be high to talk to America cuz opium supposed to mellow you out but I think it also makes you delusional I do I think they're getting high and they're going here you know what we should do let's call America give me the phone give me the phone with the bomb in the let me talk let me talk let me I feel good let me talk let me go you know hello America you bring it on we kick your ass and then they hang up and they go hey guys do you have a military oh we don't know America just kidding I am Pearson yeah the next day the president iran's like did that drunk-dial bush again last night that's the beauty of this country guys we can have these debates we can talk about this that we should be critical of government of politicians you should be that's a beauty of this country and that's why we have to have these open debates like I couldn't be making fun of the President of Iran in Iran right you'd be like hey Maz that was a good show when's your next show I'd be like there are no more shows the Ministry of no show showed up my next show will be in prison I'll be performing like this you know I did this one they didn't like it I was expressing myself one night at a comedy club and talking about peace and this one guy disagreed with me he starts going boo and I go you're booing peace he goes yeah now go you're an idiot he goes you're an idiot I go I'm gonna kick your ass he goes I'm gonna kick your ass and I started losing control and I was like whoa whoa wait a minute I started talking about peace and I'm losing myself what's going on and I had to stop and think they'd mind like heroes of peace ever lose it did Martin Luther King jr. ever just lose it did Gandhi ever lose it right did anyone ever say something to Gandhi was like all right that's it the loincloth is coming on let's go hold onto these sandals while I kick his ass let's go come on oh my god I can't find you lucky I let two grains of rice today I'm so tired I'm sucking speaking of Indian I actually I got married to an Indian woman a year ago five people go little Indian my like you know and I always guys said no not casino Indian computer Indian you know what I'm saying yes yes I'm married tech support that's right laughter honey any time I got a computer bumming honey Windows XP sin working she's like I would back out of it you know she does she does know she doesn't talk like that she grew up here but that's a fun accent to do any time you just feel sad just go haunted or die they'll cheer you up I swear to God okay I'm gonna leave you guys with this real quickly I'm gonna leave you with this please I always say this please stop blaming Middle Easterners for everything okay and I always say it's not always about right it is not always us okay I mean quite often it is but not always we get blamed for everything whatever had like there was a blackout in New York a few years ago the news came on they're like this better block out terrorists might have been involved and then a week later like oops sorry just Enron right hey there's a traffic jam on the 5 Terrace might be involved oops sorry just cars you know it's like and it started with the anthrax where the anthrax ray tried to blame on us I knew that wasn't a middle Easterner that's not how the Middle Easterners work right releasing back what you want me to put the anthrax in the envelope put this dump on the envelope and mail it no no no that is not how I do it no no could I wrap the anthrax around myself I run into somebody that is how I do it you know one two bang like that you know whatever I can get two people one two that's it anymore I hurt my back one two ow it hurts I've been in a cave for six years little Sam I'm old we all know who did the anthrax it was some hillbilly dude you know some redneck was like right about now's a good time to send out some anthrax claim the goddamn a rat that's what I'll do blame them god damn kebab eating researchers been driving camel riding Seminole mr. P selling gas price raising you know bra connected hairy chested right you know it was and they have not caught him yet I hope they catch that guy eventually cuz I don't make everyone realize we got haters of all kinds you guys white black Asian Middle East and Latin all kinds of haters and what we have to do is the people is kind of the hate with some love right yes get the love man right I mean they were going around they were putting anthrax in the mail or putting anthrax in the water hey man you want to put something in my water put some ecstasy in my water that's the kind of terrorist I'm looking for right I drink the water I make this Oh roll it Oh Oh give it up Oh thank you very much we are thank you again

Channel: نورين منير

Views: 1,151,971

Rating: 4.5969195 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy, Funny, Humor, Humour (Literary Genre), Axis Of Evil Comedy Tour, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Comedian

Id: pCBQzCD5QMU

Length: 63min 49sec (3829 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 30 2013