Rita Rudner (3/29/89)

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hi I'm Rita Rudner welcome to my HBO special I'm very excited about it the audience is waiting the crew is ready unfortunately I can't decide what to wear one minute miss right now I've narrowed it down to two outfits okay here's the first one this is my favorite blouse and please keep in mind that red is a good color for me now I've put it with these beige slacks these are great lightweight washable no iron my only fear is that light colors can make me look a little hippy okay here's the next one now with this we have a whole different set of problems it's my other favorite outfit and though it does make me look thinner and I am comfortable in it it's black and black doesn't exactly scream comedy however I do have these and these have might just wiping it up so there you have it the phone lines are open if you like the red please dial 5 5 5 re dee dee if you're leading towards the black 5 5 5 be Lak we're ready miss Radner please I need your help [Applause] hey all presents one-night stands [Music] Rita Rudner [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] please welcome Reno Rutner [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very much it's very exciting to be doing another HBO special I did one last year it was called women of the night and oh that's okay and this year it's called one-night stand next year sluts tell jokes [Applause] so much has happened to me since the last special so I got married I know it was scary a very scary thing to get married we didn't like the ceremony we changed it we didn't like for better or for worse we like for better forget it we made a terrible mistake you know what we did we went to Las Vegas on our honeymoon and it's a nice place except they gave us one of these rooms that has a mirror over the bed and it didn't help matters if we just kept looking up and thinking god we're fat gradually we totally lost interest in each other but more men are getting married now I guess it's kind of dangerous out there they kind of have to choose between marriage and death I guess they figure at least with marriage they get meals and then the joke's on them cuz they get married and find out we don't cook anymore I met my husband in Australia cuz I couldn't find a man in this hemisphere there is a shortage you know they came out with that study in Newsweek last year it said that if you're a single woman over 30 there's a less than 20% chance you'll ever get married they should do another survey they should find out how many women over 30 ever bought Newsweek again my husband and I we commuted from America to Australia for two years we have enough frequent flyer miles now to orbit Saturn it's a very long trip you know one thing you should never do on a long trip I learned this the hard way never start up a game of peekaboo with a child sitting in front of him this is a game that has no ending the kid turned around I finally just grabbed him by the bib I said look it's always gonna be me I love Australia except I have a big problem but the beach is the girls all go topless on the beach in Australia that's just the way it is and of course the guys you'd love it but I am American I'd never done that I was afraid things crossed my mind like I don't know they've never been in the Sun they might catch fire I tried it once but I was really careful I wear lots of sunscreen I taped the bottles to my body and everyone's a greedy you know you have to go nude sunbathing because then you don't get tan lines what good is a tan without tan line how do you show it off to your friends what do you say look compared to my eyeball look out Hanna and too much Sun is supposed to be bad for you it's supposed to make your skin leathery and wrinkly and old I used to look at those gorgeous 16 year old girls just baking themselves on the beach and think fry you home wreckers ride I don't like getting older and I don't plan to grow old gracefully either I plan to have facelifts till my ears meet I'm a little right of plastic surgeons I was going to have my notes fixed this is a true story but I was sitting in this guy's office and on his walls there were all these pictures by Picasso I started thinking my nose may not be perfect but it's centered I could wake up it could be in a guitar I never liked the way I looked when I was growing up I have curly hair I always wanted straight hair I used to ask my mother to iron my hair she hated to iron she used to put me in the hamper and leave me there for weeks nobody's ever happy with what they have though people with curly hair want straightened people straight want curly and bald people want everyone to be blind I always thought I was adopted when I was growing up because I don't look anything like anyone in my family I look a little like my grandmother now cuz I have brown hair and blue eyes and she has blue hair and brown eyes that's my mother's mother she's a very tough cookie really she buried three husbands two of them were just napping I'm an only child which means I was very overprotected my tricycle had seven wheels and a driver and my parents wouldn't even push me on the swing they wouldn't they just sit me on the swing and run back and forth and say it looks similar to this high school wasn't fun for me either it wasn't that no one asked me to the prom it was that no one would tell me where it was sexually I was dairy ignorant other kids were covering up their hickeys I was painting mine on everyone said what does Rita have on her forehead I didn't make the cheerleading team cuz for the tryouts we had to ride our own cheer and I don't get that excited I read if we win we win if we lose we lose really you could deal with it I didn't go to college I moved to New York to be in show business and and I Love New York I had an apartment right off Central Park I couldn't actually see the park but if I concentrated I could hear the screams for help my parents worried about me so they went out and bought me a dog for protection you know they bought me they bought me a Lhasa Apso I guess they thought my ankles were in danger if you don't know what a Lhasa Apso is I'll tell you it's a very small dog with lots of hair and it's very difficult to tell which end is which I was very upset when I'd found it I'd been trying to teach her to sit by shoving her head to the floor she was very nervous and that was my fault too when she was a puppy I left her alone sleeping with a clock wrapped up in a blanket you're supposed to do that they think it's a mother's heartbeat I forgotten I set the alarm [Applause] every time the phone rang I had to scrape her off the ceiling you know the smartest dogs are poodles poodles and I read that they're getting smarter soon they're going to be able to talk and you're going to say stuff cutting my hair like that what are we doing those aren't haircuts those are landscapes I wonder if other dogs look at poodles and think they're members of a weird religious cult if I were to get a dog again I would get a seeing-eye dog or a guard dog or a hunting dog you know why cuz I don't have enough time to spend at home my dog I'd feel guilty I just feel better if I had a dog that was involved in a career I had lots of careers before showbusiness got going they were weren't very challenging I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter there were of that five six people tops I would say would you like something to drink you would then we're gonna have to land I have the most boring office job in the world I used to clean the windows on the envelopes now I work for myself which is great except when I call in sick I know I'm lying I do love doing comedy but you travel constantly I'm always in hotels I was in a Howard Johnson's ones their slogan used to be I'm not making it up if it's not your mother it must be Howard Johnsons that was their slogan I was staying there I called down for room service about 4:00 in the afternoon I was hungry they said no it'll spoil your dinner the maid came in every morning she said clean up your room you as I was checking out the lady behind the desk said go ahead leave doesn't matter I'll be dead in a couple windows I did fought my own house well I bought it last year when I was single so you know what it had to say on the deed Rita Rudner a single woman it looks so lonely I said can't you at least put I have lots of friends I had to go get a mortgage by myself that was scary when I was first on my own I didn't know anything about money I used to sign my checks love Rita everything gets so expensive when you buy a house really my last credit card bill was so big before I opened it I actually heard a drumroll and I have problems with money you know what I can never do ask for money back after I've loaned it to a friend and they forget to return it isn't that tricky I could never ask for it back the most I can do is when I'm over there homes break something of that approximate value I have a small house it has charm I wish it had a window so my husband and I lived there now and it's got two bedrooms and the guest bedroom is really small but it's still big enough so our parents can be comfortable if they come to stay so we're making it smaller there are things I can't get used to about having my own house I've never had my own washing machine before we've gone to laundromat so I still sit in front of it with a magazine and a gun I've been trying to get a CD player but I just can't bring myself to buy one until I have something in writing that says that's the last thing they're going to invent I'm so glad you feel that way because really if I were to buy that nit invent something else I could snap I could become one of those people who wanders the streets mumbling to themselves in fact that's who I think all those people are those are the people who bought 8-track tapes good one be part of my house I don't use all that often is the kitchen I'm sorry I'm not a good cook I take after my mother she was the worst she once made carrot cake she didn't grate the carrot she bakes him whole into the cave she even left those green things hanging out she said their cake handles the last thing I made was in high school that was in home economics I made a tuna casserole I entered it in the science fair I won I combined tuna fish cream of mushroom soup and potato chips I got electricity second prize went to a Japanese kid who made a robot who ate it [Music] it died I think I figured out why Japanese people are all so smart you know why because they have to be to learn their language it's very difficult they have to be brilliant to learn how to ride it you've seen that writing you know what must be very difficult I was thinking to be a skywriter in Japan my husband cooks well he doesn't really cook he barbecues that's different men will cook as long as there's danger involved I'm trying to get him to eat healthier it's not easy he hates health food he thinks health food is anything he finishes before the expiration date I used to be a vegetarian but I quit that because it has side effects it does I found myself sitting in my living room starting to lean towards the sunlight I'm always on a diet I have little tricks little dieting tricks to help me like if I order a dessert I'll only eat half of it but sometimes if it's a good dessert I'll order - my favorite diet is where big shoulder pads it makes your hips look smaller don't you love shoulder pads I wear them with everything really even strapless dresses sometimes I forget though and I get shoulder pad buildup I do well once I remember I put on a blouse that had shoulder pads and then over that I put on a sweater that had shoulder pads and then I topped that off with a jacket that had shoulder pad I walked out of the house my mailman tried to tackle me I'm a little compulsive about my weight I weigh myself every morning what I do is I slowly lower myself down onto the scale while hanging from the shower curtain rod and when I reach the weight I want to be i black out but my last boyfriend was a workout a holic I mean he was in great shape and you know what I found men who are really really physically fit are really tired they come home and they go to sleep and you get to look at them and you think gee he looks good they could only move my husband's not real romantic however he was so scared about this whole marriage thing he gave me this ring on the condition I wouldn't call it an engagement ring I said I'll call it a can opener just give me the ring and then I thought maybe I should go with him to get the ring cuz you never know what they're gonna come back with and the worst thing you can say when someone gives you an engagement ring is do it and happen to have the receipt [Applause] he did great though I love my ring it's an antique it makes it that much more special to me knowing that someone didn't want it anymore I love jewelry I just don't think you should put it in your nose you can if you want it's a free country but really once once you pierce your nose no one will ever listen to anything you have to say again you'll talk some people will just look at you and smile and think Jesus said mr. hurt my dad was so happy I didn't marry a man who had a pierced ear that's all he was concerned about I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage really what they've experienced pain and bought jewelry my mom gave me some good advice I think when I got married she said just don't try to change him whatever's wrong with him use it to your best advantage like my dad sleepwalk she never tried to change it she just started handing him the vacuum cleaner the proposal wasn't real romantic either with my husband and I you know what he did well I'll tell you he'd been drinking it's the truth so he didn't get down on his knees he got up on his knees it's hard to say yes when they've got the issues on their hands and they're pretending they're a CEO and he's younger than I am I never thought that would happen but while he's two years younger than he thinks I am the old theory was nary an older man because they're more mature but the new theory is men don't mature marry a young one we do get along great we have a lot of fun the only time we argue is in the car we argue about when to put gas in the car he has two beliefs in life basically he believes in God and he believes that when the gas gauge is on empty he still has a quarter of a tank he thinks the e stands for oh there's still some left and there are other compliments with the two least handy people in the world and we married each other we have to call someone over done rap soap I bought a TV table that you had to assemble four pieces of wood and some screws I came back it was as if there had been drunken monkeys in the river there was glue on the ceiling one window was smashed his clothing was in shreds I said I guess it put up quite a fight and of course he was proud of what he had made yes he said look firewood but we need firewood because we have a fireplace now all those romantic evenings we sit in front of it trying to get it lit we can't do that either our neighbor's house caught fire we went next door we said how did you do that he came home with a staple gun the other day I knew I'd be calling an ambulance shortly but it's okay he loves his staple gun he staple guns everything now there is nothing loose in our home there are a few major changes for instance now we have to bring the food to the cat it's a joke it's a joke don't get upset but I could say because I don't like cats I thank you I think they're a waste of fur it's just that you never know what a cat is thinking it's usually thinking I could just jump on her head and ruin her life so now I have a house and I'm married and you know what's next I don't know if it's gonna happen I get such family pressure about children like my grandmother keeps asking me what am I going to be a great grandmother I keep saying I don't know I guess as soon as you do something extraordinary I'm American he's English what will our children be like I guess they'll be rude but disgusted by their own behavior I don't think I can have natural childbirth it hurts and I don't know my husband will come in with me well and do that Hobie I asked him if he'd be in the room with me when I had a baby and you know what he said it would have to be a big room and they would have to be a bar at 1:00 in but that's how men participate now they come into the room with you and they stay breathe is that really sharing the experience if I ever have a baby I want my husband on the table next to me at least getting his legs waxed when the kini waxed he'd be dead and our only big problem is he doesn't want to wear a wedding band I know so we compromised I said it's okay he doesn't have to wear a wedding band he could just wear our wedding pictures on his forehead I knew that staple gun would come in handy [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

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Channel: Arturo Bodden

Views: 344,870

Rating: 4.8073068 out of 5

Keywords: one night stand, hbo, rita rudner

Id: flEFxzrQPGM

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 28min 20sec (1700 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 20 2016

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