If I'm lying, I'm flying (TSA)

airport security AKA tsa we have a very interesting relationship but probably not the kind of relationship you're thinking about they stripped me down to my tighty whities and fill me up I love TSA and they love me I was flying to San Francisco this past weekend I get to the airport about an hour early I go to the self check-in I get over in TSA and I look down and the company that's sending me on this trip put my middle name not my first name whenever your photo ID and your boarding pass don't have the same exact first name but have the same last name they write quad s on it for s is they pretty much the strip you down naked in front of everybody wherever that happens and they let you go knowing that I didn't have quad s written on my path I'm like okay let me size up all these TSA agents at all these lanes okay white guy old white lady black guy I got on the lane wait in line I get up to the black guy and I hand him my ID and I handed my boarding pass and he's looking at it his way who is this oh that's that's me but that's my middle name they put my middle name on the boarding pass and the answer back to me is I okay well go get him to change it cuz I can't let you pass if these names don't match up I'm like Brian no I promise you this is me they let me fly last week but you know I just need to get on through and say are we changed some stuff since last week you gotta go get it changed cool story bro okay like I changed go back over to Dalton I'm explaining everybody listen quad ass I did this last week this happens from time to time it's really me you can just write for this on this thing lady I'm talking to is just like no I can't do that actually go down to guest services for Delta and they'll take care of you go over to guest services and the lady there is just like okay it's going to cause 150 dollars to change it and then a $50 fee for absolutely no reason whatsoever so you look at about $200 just to change it and let's like you put them through Expedia and it wasn't you it was somebody else so actually they have to call and get your name fixed it's seven o'clock in the morning I probably not going to get anybody from that company on the phone said well what you could do is just go back over to TSA and tell that you lost your ID they'll make you fill out a form and they'll ask you like two or three questions and they'll let you on the plane oh so thank you very much ma'am giving she's looking out for me cool grab all my stuff walk around the corner around take my ID out of my wallet and stuff it in my clipboard and I lifted the clipboard and stuff my ID down in there flipped it down put more papers on top of it boom as I'm waiting in line to go back from TSA I realized I'm not a good liar because I don't really do it I am painfully honest when it comes to pretty much all things so I go up there and I handle my boarding pass and I'm like sir I have misplaced my identification okay how long is it gonna get another guy comes over so I got these two guys now and they're looking into blah blah so what's the problem like yeah I misplaced my ID so I got it okay pull it a cellphone walks away comes back with a form as I fill this out I start filling it out like okay here's his name um all right okay and then he starts asking me the questions it's like okay so what's your physical address alright and what's the name of the street in your house turns on to the kind of other line is verifying this guy has been about 15 questions and I'm looking at the clock like okay now I have about 30 minutes to get on my plane so once he asks me pretty much anything one could ask to verify who I was he went all the way back to the beginning and started asking the same questions all over again I'm just like guy I gotta get on this plane so I thought the form they let me through I go to the metal detector and he's like okay follow me over here so as I go cased them on this mat I'm gonna Pat you down and I'm like okay cool so he walks up behind me and then he says any time I get to sensitive areas I'm going to use the bad part of my hand okay okay like okay go ahead and pull up your pants as high as you can look all right so I take my pants and I have my built on they took it already grab my pants and pull up as high as I can and he's like you know feeling me up I'm on the size and feeling upon the sides and then he skips like the lower torso and goes to the waist and he's like you know doing the reach around and feeling me up and stuff and really close to the skin and then he gets to the sensitive areas and he lied to me dude uses his bomb he they feeling all up on the contour she's like are you gonna tell me that you're going to use the backside of your hand but then when you get down to it you're going to palm all of my nono zone okay we just had this conversation like two seconds ago we thought I forgot use all up in the nono zone I'm up here looking like Steve Urkel as all these girls are walking by through security light looking at me I look over to the side and these guys have all of my stuff for my bookbag sprawled out on their table like an alien autopsy and they're swabbing down everything they had a little toothbrush swab and dude is like swabbing down the pieces of paper he swallows my palms he swabs everything he swabs me from for head to toe after this guy gets past third base with me he lets me go over to my book bag I get over my book bag and there's two other TSA agents over there and now they start asking me questions and they're like so what's up man we heard you well lost your ID and I'm like yeah man you know I stayed up all night editing videos and you know I saw it this morning and I think I just misplaced it all which wasn't a lie by the way so he look at the clipboard that I have my IV tucked away in like well buddy got all these pens and these blank pieces of paper for but I do videos for YouTube and from time to time I draw so whenever I have downtime like you know a five hour flight I like to knock out things like that he said oh my son is in anime and they call it manga or something like that he loves to draw so we're all chatting and having a grand old time it's then he's like okay well we just got to check one more thing and then you're free to go he grabbed my bag and he walks over to a cup and I'm looking and now I'm starting to get nervous I'm just like I've been through TSA enough times to know like this is the last part and then I that awkward silence starts setting in I'm just like okay what can I say to speed this up I said probably the worst thing anybody could say I'm sure all you guys watching this video have at some point had something come out of your mouth that you really didn't need to say and that you really didn't mean to say it just kind of bad I had one of those moments so I'm looking at the cop I'm looking at TSA guy holding my bag I look back at the other TSA guy you guys said there's one more step he's like yeah one more step that we got to do and then you're good to go like and what did your boy find some bomb residue on my hands or something as those words came out of my mouth I was like you're a noob what did you just say oh no I mean I know you guys aren't going to find any residue on my hands cuz I mean you guys just swab and you just ran it there's no way you guys are going to find any residue on me do you know where we are why would you play like that I'm like syrup again I cannot stress how sorry I am about all this I need to get on my plane and it just came out I totally apologize the sec ts a guy comes back in my bag and he's like okay he's clear so they start packing all my stuff up and then as the guy's about to pack my clipboard back in he's decides to flip through it one more time he's flipping through it halfway through he stops and then he looks up at me and it looks over to his Boyd and does one of these he was like so uh where did you say you last saw your ID and I'm like what did you find it and it was like no no no tell me more the last place that you remember seeing your ID was I was like oh I don't want to lie this guy some like Brooke please tell me you found the ID he's like yes right here and it's kind of weird that it was lodged in in the middle of all your papers like that how did that happen so it is like II um why don't you have a seat right over there so then I don't know where a cop appears on the scene so now it's the three of them the cops like okay young man walk me through this from the very top and at that point I knew the gig was up because I was not about to lie to no cop um the lady over at Delta told me to hide my ID so I hid in my clipboard and came through here and she said that if I told you guys didn't have my ID it would take like ten minutes and I would just be on the plane and the cops like okay young man you stay right here so then cop number one comes back with a second cup and he's like young man you want to explain to me about your comments what comments oh you know the comments I'm talking about no sorry I've made a lot of comments since I got here I'm not really sure what comments you're talking about something about residue you maybe made a comment about residue oh yeah I know officer Lee interrupts me he's like if you don't like that freaking smile of your face right now I will handcuff you right where you sit I was very apologetic he wasn't having it though so then he's like okay so some lady at Delta told you to come over here and do this huh okay let's take a walk two cops behind me and five TSA people surrounded me in a circle cops behind me is holding all my bag and stuff so it's obvious I'm in trouble we walked over to Delta cops like okay I need you to ID this lady then he helps on his radio he's like okay bring her out the lady comes out and he's like okay if that's her don't make any eye contact don't point at her yes or no is it her okay let's go so they want me over they sit me back down from this point on the cop is this referring to me as my last name so he's like thorn get comfortable because you're getting ready to talk to the FBI yeah so after about 10 minutes they pick me up and I get the police escort over to airport Jail the one cop walks me in and then it turns into like Simon Says thorn walk over here thorn follow me thorn stop right there turn look up face that wall do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around so and then the final wall that he had me staring at I hear metal clinking he gets his keys up opens his door tells me to get in he talked me into this all my room slams the door behind me and the only thing in this room is a white wall that curves into a chair and a single surveillance camera with a big old red sign that says you are being video surveillance I don't know how many of you guys are familiar with this show Prison Break I watched seasons 1 2 3 & 4 within a matter of like two and a half weeks so as I'm trapped in this room all I'm thinking about is like Michael Scofield in my way out of this place out of my three hours the FBI's there they squirt me into the side room so it's me the FBI guy in a two-way mirror and instantly I'm thinking like who the heck is on the other side of that mirror and this is kind of cool because I always see this in the movies but I'm probably going to get a lot of trouble FBI guy walks over to me and flips open his wallet and he kind of looked at me and he's like puts his wallet away he sits down the first thing out of his mouth so you thought it would be okay to lie to a federal agent I'm like federal agent like are you talking about like all TSA are federal agents and you lied to federal aid if you thought I'd be okay Sonlight well honestly and I didn't think it would be okay to lie I just told him I misplaced it which technically wasn't a lie so he interrogate smiie for about 30 minutes and then he was like okay well this is the part where I'm supposed to arrest you and I'm like but you're not going to I was like no I guess my better judgment I'm not going to arrest you am I on like any kind of no-fly list or anything like that you're good to fly we did a pretty extensive background check on you you don't have a police record but as of today you have an FBI record young man grant at this point I still had no flight to San Francisco so I asked him sir is there any way that you know I can get my flight to San Francisco now and it was like yeah actually Delta feels a little bad about this whole situation so there to give you a new flight but my new flight was on its own 6 o'clock because of all the problems you cause here today I have to escort you onto the plane all right now that's kind of dope because I know I'm not in trouble anymore I'm getting an escort my street credit is going through the roof right now boarding time happened FBI escorts me over my plane I hop on everybody's happy your boy has an FBI record and you know what has to happen now right I got a release a rap album it's that simple little Wayne Master P jay-z all y'all ain't got nothing on me I'm on an FBI watch list get on my level I look forward around Christmastime you know I got to go write some rhymes so i'ma catch all next time look at that I'm rhyming right now that means if you do anything at all to alert the attention of the FBI it's not going to go well for you and remember on Twitter I said Cooper is going to crash the party look who just joined us Thank You Cooper thank you very much

Channel: sWooZie

Views: 1,852,696

Keywords: tsa, airport, security, swoozie, adande, plane, travel, trip

Id: ZsXQs9a37TI

Length: 12min 50sec (770 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 17 2010

Reddit Comments

[u/heynorton]

"Michael Skoalfielding my way out of this place"

This shit was great.

[u/sheepiroth]

He hid his ID somewhere obvious and got caught lying about misplacing it, which is mega suspicious. Then he made a bomb joke among several federal agents at an airport and now has an FBI record. /golfclap

[u/Dubbys]

isn't this the same guy who did the Disney employee story video from about a month ago?

[u/Devistator]

Shit, if I was him, I'd be Googling the phone numbers to the ACLU while on the way to the gate.

[u/[deleted]]

So all Al Qaeda needs to defeat the TSA is access to Facebook and Google Maps?