I Review Amazon Self Defense Products

you're under attack from me who's protecting himself from you and you're about to be destroyed except you got me on your side and on my side our discount amazon self-defense weapons because when i think about self-defense i think of bargains good value is where i put my life in and if i can get a discount on ending someone else's life you know i'm gonna take that chance so what can amazon offer in terms of self-defense well number one not guns uh so what about non-lethality you know for some people non-lethal options are going to be the thing they go for instead of lethality why occasionally you don't want to maim the person that you're trying to stop from attacking you for one reason or another you just want to get the equivalent of a harshly worded letter in the palm of your hand and then deliver that immediately to the skull of your attacker self-defense is very important the world's a dangerous place so what better way to secure your safety then with amazon amazon is coming in every other part of our life why not go with this one so i have here a box an amazon box that i've hopefully rubbed out the address of but whatever oh it's not where was i did i have a sensible intro the answer is no but in case i didn't i'm going to summarize i bought on amazon all of the best best rated and most affordable self-defense items that i could find so that can tell you what you need to trust your life in because you never know the world is a dangerous place and you could find yourself in a situation where you had wished you watched this video and remember bookmark this video don't like it don't subscribe ring the bell bookmark it put it in your bookmark bar i know that youtube premium has an option to download videos but forget that you can't count on that you gotta keep your countessable so you are in a dark alley you see me coming at you really fast with anger on my face i don't want to paint this picture because it makes me sound like a maniac that's going to attack people in a hallway so forget all of that that i just said and go to camera b hi camera b this well there's nothing right now bit can you even see that zenframe this is what is going to be a test dummy because i could not test all these things on myself because number one that would hurt and number two people might mistake me for some kind of a masochist which isn't true and would be ridiculous for people to think about and i'm not going to do that so i paid a lot of money to buy this dummy that is not assembled and i think there's [Music] people might mistake me for some kind of a masochist i guess i should have built this beforehand it goes there okay okay okay we're making okay so if that goes there then this goes right there oh not yet miss you you wake up oh god no ah let go what the hell okay um i spent a lot of money on this thing looks like i'm gonna get my money worth out of it but in a different way ah your name steve steve say hi help all right so this went really poorly right off the bat i am not joking i can't get that off i can't get steve off i just can't do it i have a backup plan um but it was really meant for a one-off thing this is tough guy inflatable oh let me go down [Music] it's just like not letting me blow enough goddammit tough guy you [ __ ] okay you know what it's fine i'm gonna go back to steve is that not working this goes through this too god damn it [Music] does this at least go in this is this how this go this is correct wow that goes down but okay i guess okay all right it's fine it's done great how long have we been doing this now for this is dead why no how long has this been dead for is you gonna stay record why would you turn off randomly oh my god hey we ran into some technical difficulties you don't need to worry about a thing everything's fine i'm happy and i'm here to tell you all about self-defense which is what i talked about before unless i didn't talk about it and then it doesn't exist and everything is topsy-turvy and are we still rolling yeah we are okay good let's focus the frustration and channel it so that it can be outlet in a healthy productive way we have many tools with which you can defend yourself and you know what i was gonna save it for the end but you know what i gotta go firsties this is a combination self-defense tool this was gonna be the big mama jamba you know me i like to bring out the big mama jamba at the end but i'm bringing the big mama jamba out at the beginning i don't know why it's got a uh well it done anymore it's got a keychain hook this this was supposed to dangle on your keychain so you got your car keys and in the end of it you got this this is a big old beady bat i hate this thing get off of here this is a big old beady bot beady bat you can whump it you can whack it but in addition to that it's also a taser it oh there my god it's also a taser so i'm going to test this out on good old bob here and to see what kind of pain this is going to prevent him from doing to me oh no you ain't getting my wallet today [Music] [Music] and he's not dead he's been subdued this was the most expensive self-defense tool that i found besides just a straight-up taser and i feel like this is innocuous enough that you could hide this down your pants not that you'd want to remember it's taser so if you put it down your pants you're gonna be in trouble also apparently it's a flashlight it's a flashlight so big finish out of the way i shouldn't drop that this feels like a bad idea so we've all calmed down this is off when it's on there's a light a lot of things i was supposed to talk about number one it's got three switches you got flashlight mode which is only half the switch it's a very fiddly switch if you go onto full-on tase mode and then you turn off the flashlight like okay so you confirm who it is you're like oh [ __ ] go engage mode and then you're they're gone i don't know how bad that hurts i'm not gonna test it don't play with this this is not a toy this video is not about toys this video is about very important self defense so you can stay safe out in the real dangerous world with discounts from amazon now the real reason for all of this literally the only reason that i'm making this video is because i saw a video about this exact product this is called a tactical whip and you know that i love tactical anything and if it's a tactical whip then i'm very interested in seeing what kind of tactical situations i could utilize this device in so [Music] we still recording everybody at home should know that i am an absolute professional and you should not try this there is no reason for you to be playing around with this in your spare time other than preparing for when you know that you're going to need this in a dangerous situation so this is a tactical whip it can it has a nice little belt clip it's got a little holdy hand like a wiimote remote so that when you're whapping or bowling you don't lose it and break a tv or someone's eye it was uh pretty pricey but this is a nice braided cable covered in a plastic sleeve ah it's so whip not very long but you know frankly if i had a long long whip i might whip myself in my ass so i'm not going to try to do that because i like my ass the way it is and i don't need it whipped for any reason whatsoever period no further discussion needed shut up but let's test this out and see what steve thinks hey steve oh you want to try round two of my wallet taking business huh well too bad [ __ ] how dare you that does look like it hurt people might mistake me for some kind oh that ramps up in pain quick [ __ ] ah go i'm gonna hit myself ah i'm a professional the professional self-defender enter the whirlwind of pain all right so it's basically a whip it's also got a oh a rubber tip on it remove and then use as a eye gouging or if your car is going under water break your windows so i could keep that right there it's called a stinger because apparently [ __ ] stings it ramps up real quick in pain i would rate this in terms of like whap ability i kind of prefer the reliable whap of a solid stick or baton because it's got a predictable whap this has a little bit of unpredictability to it and if you're in the wild and you're trying to ward off predators or maybe attract a mate you know the whip ability might actually be good for you and kind of work in your favor whereas this not only can i see them i can really see them with the flashlight i know where the ark is going to be and i know it's got bonus damage it's like electrically enchanted weapon that gives bonus electrical damage once i hit them this is just physical damage and that's good but there's no like elemental bonuses he's probably not got a lot of electrical resistance on him so he's gonna take the full force of that extra damage you know what i mean you get i think i made my point so but there are other ways to go about life and defense so let's say for example you're in the peculiar situation of having too much money and people are coming after you how do you solve both problems well i'll tell you with a weaponized wallet now this may seem like just a paddle to you but watch what happens when you fold it up oh [ __ ] it's my wallet so when you're in the alley or in the park or in your backyard or wherever you are when you're getting robbed and they ask you for your wallet you go like oh [ __ ] i'll give you my wallet my wallet of pain refractive now imagine i actually had some change in this i don't because i don't carry coins for some reason maybe i do yes imagine these extra parts these spare pieces are my money and i put my money in the zippable pouch here of my wallet and then i zip that bad boy up so i've got a place for my spare change you can finally think that it's back in the day where most currency exchanges aren't digital anymore and you can have your physical money on you and you can bring the world of pain to whoever wants to try to take it oh steve what the hell back again [ __ ] oh yeah yeah i'll give you my wallet i'll get you right here [Applause] you [ __ ] okay there's a bit of a bounce back problem yeah just [Music] okay that hurt a lot and hurt him too but it's splash damage okay this is compact so it gets i'm going to rank these all in a few categories we've got ease of use speed of deployment pain and then lethality cost i'm not going to remember any of those so i'm going to make them up as i go on each time as far as ease of use very easy you're holding your web and it's got a bit of weight to it so it goes back and forth cost was cheap except for the amount of money that you put into it it's kind of one of those combo things the more money you put in the more damage it does however there's splash damage when i hit bounces back newton's laws are a [ __ ] and they happen here every time and i cannot risk getting hit why this ow it just happened there same with the whip that could hit me too this one ain't for you but if you got too much money then you know what to do with maybe you could get a bunch of these and use them as like a grenade and it'll explode take this [ __ ] i'll get you next time okay oh what is this what is this what's this i don't know personal alarm interesting are these charged oh [ __ ] oh god oh my god oh my god shut up oh god oh my god so ah these if you didn't know work uh if you pull the pin like a grenade you pull the pin it goes off and it's very loud so ease of use 10 out of 10. very easy speed of deployment super quick very fast it's very innocuous and comes with a flashlight and i think it was like a buck if that so not too bad however the the fact that it's just a little pull like this is how much force this takes to pull out this isn't illustrating it but it's not very much it's it's like nothing that could fall out if i spin it okay i was lying okay i'm gonna imagine a situation where i'm like [Music] what's that you want my money let that be a lesson to you next time i would you say i'm watching you i'm watching you robbery successfully avoided easy 10 out of 10. the the hammock cinch now if you want if you think markiplier lore is complicated look at this [ __ ] it's a combination axe although i don't know what baby ass tree you're gonna be chopping down with this axe blade this is not exactly what i would call substantial this is like not substantial however if you're trying to self-defenize yourself this is not too bad but not great also where it's additionally beneficial is it's also pliers so you can apply things as you're chopping as you're hammering and it's got various tool tips like a nail file and a saw blade it's got this allen wrench thing and a bottle opener it's got an actual saw which would probably work better than the axe it's got a screw tip and a knife what more could you ask for not much because they fit in everything they could usefulness zero i can never see a situation where i would prefer to pull this out as opposed to a real knife or relax a real hammer or a real screwdriver but imagine yourself in a situation where you need all of those at once you're faced up against freaking deck man he's just a walking deck full of screws full of nails full of like bolts and [ __ ] and made of wood and you can you need one thing to take them down it's like a hypothetical question of how are you gonna beat this boss goku can't beat this thing superman died from it but you armed with your caught talks cardio cardiacs multi-tools you saved the universe okay watch out thanos anyway it was like 30 bucks i wouldn't i i wouldn't that's it's not even a self-defense thing yeah i just thought it was a cool multi-tool and then i saw it in person and i was like well that's pretty lame want to look fashionable and deadly if looks could kill let's see and use any of these at our best um that was all i had this is a knife now this may not seem like much but imagine that yeah oh no oh jesus christ i'm gonna die this is how i die oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm going to die okay imagine knight is young and you're a party animal and fashionable because you got your luscious pink bracelet so that everyone around you knows that you're here for a good time unless you're here for a bad time in which case you are prepared to deal out the damage hey whoa it is party timing hey would you say to me all right what's up a whoa where's why'd you bring a fish to up oh my god watch why oh you you wanna you wanna fight man you wanna you wanna fight you want to fight [ __ ] ah in your eye in your eye ah nose mouth gone oh you want another how did you get this smile how'd you get these scars oh me that's why you're dead you know you got metal spine there this isn't very sharp it's actually not cutting much at all but but you're thinking about it try me next time [ __ ] try try you i hope you learned your your lesson help you i'm watching you okay so on a on a realistic sense the knife is tiny this is supposed to be like survival paracord that you could also use but i don't see a way to undo the knot so you just gotta cut it and i doubt you're gonna cut it with this because not very sharp it's almost impossible to put on by yourself i was terrified to take it off by myself there's just so much ease that it could just cut your wrist i say uh this is my first fail of the self-defense circuit all these could pass except for maybe this but i could see a world where maybe but the other ones were solid passes you know totally acceptable to prevent someone from trying to rob you th this you're gonna hurt yourself way sooner than you hurt them not good at all um speed round this came in like a 10 pack why i don't know not dildos not butt plugs unless you're gonna give them a butt full of pain it's literally a spike so remember how this whip has this spike on the back and it's also got like a a nice grip that's what this is except instead of being you know for breaking windows this one's also for breaking souls i'm about to run out of battery oh god and i'm back so this is meant to hang off your key chain and hopefully you don't fall on it falling on your keys before when they're in your pocket this is going to be a entirely different world of hurt but upon successful attack upon being attacked you will have rapid deployment devices to go straight for the eyes either i [ __ ] [ __ ] i do you think i'll come back for it again i wish you would i dare you to do it you would never come back and he's gone so it's not exactly like a knife it's just a sharp point on a piece of metal which sounds a lot like a knife but not but you can rest assured if this comes at you that's gonna hurt if someone tries full force on this on you it ain't gonna be fun you're gonna it's gonna go in and you're not going to have a good time it was cheap portable and pretty dissuaging but then again you could also have the tactical whip which also has the point however you there's very little chance of hurting yourself with this so long as you got a good grip on it and it's got this loop you could put your thumb through it but maybe you wouldn't want to do it because it might rip your thumb off for some reason but i don't think so but so you got a good grip on it so long as you're doing a lot of this action you know you should be okay pretty good and finally this bad boy you want to combine all the best elements of everything that you had before all in an innocuous package that no one would know was actually some horribly deadly device why not get the tactical pen oh yes the world of tactics does not end with mere whips and shovels no no no there's such a thing as a tactical pen with flashlight number one that's not a bad beam not great but you know you could see something like in a computer if you were doing that sos and it's also a pen so you can actually write with it and in addition to all that wait no sorry it starts out as a pen wait i've never used this i might be mistaken but how do what but i feel like tactical pen you get this it's the same as the but it's got a pen in it this sounded a lot more exciting when i saw it on the website it was quite expensive um but now i see it's it's pretty much the same as is well no one would suspect that you're gonna sign your contract with that thing they're going to think you're going to attack you which would make them more reasonable to negotiations so it's going to help you in a deal you always got to be prepared in whatever situation you have so i was going to have the big mama jamba at the end but you know alas things went a little awry so unfortunately i have to say goodbye now i will be retiring from my review channel this was the last hurrah and uh it's with a heavy heart that i have to say i lied to you because it's not over yet and it never will be what is this you got this thing ah it's like a hex thing but for some reason people said it was a self-defense thing and i think it's because you hold it like like like this and like like you know just you it's like a brass knuckle but most of your knuckles are hitting i think it might just be a tool one last thing this might be the greatest of all and i'm not joking about that um this is what you've probably seen many like videos about of people accidentally hurting themselves with this and i do not plan on adding myself to the list this is a collapsible steph how do you do it how do you do there's no instructions how do you do it oh god i've seen people i've seen this blast people's eyes many times there's like a pen that looks like a grenade here it's all sparkly which i think is kind of counter to the point but maybe we'll dazzle them in the eye before they get swapped in the what do i do what do i do what do i do oh i'm so scared what do you do wasn't this supposed to be double-ended it's it's collapsible wasn't this the thing that was double-ended did i break it somehow did as far as like a staff goes though that's pretty impressive for what just seems like wrapped like thin metal oh but it's bending okay never mind it's okay it just goes to show that when it comes to your self-defense spare no expense this thing was cheap a lot of these things i got at a discount probably don't buy the things that are at a discount it turns out the thing that was rather pricey i think at around 100 bucks is probably the thing i would want on my side if i had to dissuage someone from attacking me so anyway stay safe out there i hope this was very informative and helpful for you if it wasn't then i've defeated the purpose of me being a review channel all that nonsense i was saying about this video being the last of my reviews was a lie i never lie except for that moment so you can rest assured that everything that i say is either the truth or one lie so thank you everybody so much for watching if you enjoyed this let me know down in the comments below and leave a like why because it probably does something and nobody really knows and when it comes to your self-defense not really what amazon's

Channel: Markiplier

Views: 5,024,592

Rating: 4.9642782 out of 5

Keywords: markiplier, amazon, review, self defense, top 10 amazon, amazon product, amazon review, amazon haul, amazon shopping, markiplier review, funny review

Id: Bq-tHfo8h1Q

Length: 29min 49sec (1789 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 18 2021

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[u/Milospesh]

i just wanna say does anyone else find this ironic that marks track record of hurting himself is more likely to happen doing this than ever before ? So mark is in fact a danger to himself and others and these products aren't certified for doof's and don't protect you from yourself ?