How to know he's a good man?

hey Tony Gaskins here hotel chronicles you know I want to talk to you because one thing I keep seeing is women writing me and keep saying the same thing over and over and I think a lot of women don't get this is I need you to understand about a mature man a mature man a ready man for all of you bible thumpers i want you to understand I'm a devout Christian I love the Lord I live for Christ I serve Christ with all my heart so for all of you bible thumpers it is so many bible thumpers that come and you got all the scriptures you're throwing out all the scriptures and you and the first the thing i hear women say all the time a man of God if a man a man of God would not do that that is not a man of God if he love Jesus Christ he will not see a woman like that and let me help you understand something there was only one perfect man and that was Jesus Christ so you are not going to meet but Jesus Christ and the reason why so many men and women are single today is because you are waiting on somebody that God has not created because you're saying you thinking God gonna send you a perfect individual when you yourself are not perfect now see the thing about it is we can't see ourselves the way others see us so I can't see all of my flaws but I bet you my wife could tell me she could tell you she can't see all of her flaws but I bet you I could tell you we all have areas where we need to work areas where we should be better not all of those areas are deal-breakers so what you have to understand is that nobody is going to come to you perfect and let me help you understand this even a mature man will be imperfect I remember talking to my wife about the string of men this type of man that's out there that's single that is pursuing perfection and you know working on themselves reading their Bible studying the word working on their business building their money working on their body working on self-control abstaining from sex or doing all of these things I remember talking to my wife about this but as we were talking about these men and their mindset and how they are and how they live and what they do as I'm going through it she said he gonna be a handful for a woman he is going to drive a woman crazy because that's not realistic and what she said to me she was she said to me she said so she says totally different when you are single and all you have to worry about is yourself and pleasing yourself then you can have all of these strict rules and all of these you know unrealistic rules when you're single but when you have a woman being is not going to always be cookie cutter and as you planned and then when you have children it's not going to be as you plan because now the until drew will dictate a lot of your life so this man these men who are single and working on themselves and becoming these perfect individuals are in for a rude awakening when you come into the real world of being married with children and it was just simple examples like person who won't eat a certain type of food but has never had children to where you are in the middle of nowhere playing soccer and the only thing to eat there is McDonald's unless you didn't pack your grilled chicken and asparagus in a Tupperware and gonna eat that on day 5 because you there five days for that count and and if you don't have the money to hire you a shelf or go somewhere that you can get exactly what you want in this middle of nowhere town you gonna have to settle for that McDonald's but if you so set in your ways and your perfect life that you created while you were single you won't be able to adapt to a relationship so let me help you understand something a person can appear single a man can look like a mature man and a ready man and look like he have it all together by himself but it's totally different when you have to co-exist and live with somebody else because now you have to be malleable now you have to be flexible now you have to be understanding now you're gonna have to make some concessions in certain areas when you're dealing with another human being so what I want you to understand is get beyond this notion that God is going to deliver you this handmaid ready perfect human being who is going to see life the way you see life understand this just because a man sees life in a different way does not mean he's not a man of God does not mean he's not ready for a relationship one of my supporters one of the members of the blessed tribe to Bella I don't know if I'm saying her name right but to Bella she made a good point in the comment she said you know I'm not all stuck on a man paying for a date like I'm okay offering to pay for the movie tickets and he buys the snacks I'm okay offering to pay my half because just because a man pays for a date doesn't mean that he knows how to manage money and he can be the head of the finances in the household just because he can't afford a date doesn't mean he can afford a wife doesn't mean he can afford children so why would I put that much stock into him paying for a date and just because he allows me to pay half if I offer does not mean he's a bad man and that he's a no-good man that's not ready for love and marriage and I got that and I felt that and I say this what we have to understand is you got to get outside of your mind of what you think is perfect and you got to learn how to appreciate humans for being human and you have to look at the core of who they are you got to look at their belief system when it comes to their morals and their values not this little stuff that you know does he unlock my door you know does he open my door because a man I open your door and we'll still abuse you you see what I mean so don't come in with this list and stuff that set in stone with this image of this person that you're looking for that may not even exist because I remember one time my lady said to me she said my husband must like classical music because I love classical music and if he doesn't like classical music then he is not my husband and I said like what but when you say stuff when you speak stuff even in the comment section that becomes your reality when you speak that you start to believe that so you waiting on this man that like classical music but guess what some of the men that like classical music also like the serial kill this that's what serial killers listen to classical music so I say that to say is just because a person does one thing doesn't mean he her husband just because he does everything that check your list doesn't mean he will know how to coexist with a woman and or with children in the household so what you have to understand is you got to look at the values the morals and the values I'm a hundred percent faithful to my wife but guess what I don't always remember to catch the door to open the door so does that make me a terrible man just because I may not get to the door before she gets to the door just because I may not open her car door every time because I may be in my head completely thinking about Dhamma pay the bills thinking about what I got to do to earn a living and that may be my plight as a man and then so me thinking about opening the door for a woman who is not handicapped who was not weak who is not less than who was very capable and very capable very strong and very independent it may not be my first thought to think oh let me go get this door so I could prove that I'm a man oh hold on hold on forget it oh and then sometimes I joke with my wife we joke with each other you know she'll be walking she'll be in front of me because I walk slow and I walk I got a pimp walk so I got a little walk and I can't throw that limp I just ride you get me walking too fast you throwing off my swag so I got to keep that limping that stuff and so my wife she walked fast she got long legs I'm taller than her about two three inches but her legs are actually longer than mine and so she'd be ahead of me and I said hold on let me get it over let me get though and we'll laugh about it and she black child please get out of Hill but it's literally women who will come in the comments oh if you don't open the door you is not a man that's the first thing you ought to learn as a man is how to open a door you can't open a door but let me ask you you rather man open every door and cheat on you or a man who may not open the door every time but it's a hundred percent faithful to you so see me and my wife we talked about doing us a little podcast we might do it one day just to help people to understand a real relationship that is a healthy relationship without abuse without control without infidelity but yet does not fit a perfect mold of what people are telling themselves based on what they daddy told him or what the movie told him see a lot of times the daddy may raise a princess and he and this daddy may give his daughter unrealistic expectations and he don't even do that or the daddy may give the daughter unrealistic expectations and he cheating on her mama and she don't even know it but yet she growing up expecting a man to literally kiss her behind to serve her hand and foot to take care of her to do everything for her to open all her doles to clean all her draw to do this and do that and do that and and that comes from her daddy because she daddy's princess and he set her up for failure because he gave her unrealistic expectations of a man when he was an imperfect man himself and so see we're not understanding what a mature man heals and I want you to understand that a mature man is not a perfect man now if some things thats related to morals and values that mature men don't do and things that mature men do so and on a surface level let me help you understand this a mature man does not get drunk or high if a man still gets drunk or high he has not grown into his higher self he's not fully ready he's not fully mature I want you to understand that if a man still is going to the club to the regular club or to the strip club he has not fully matured see on the drinking and smoking a mature man understands he's responsible for his life and so he won't alter the state of his mind to the point of inebriation because he understands that his life is on the line he understands that by doing that he's shortening his lifespan he understands that by doing that he may act out of character he may act irrational he may do something that is irresponsible because he has impaired his judgment by getting drunk and so a mature man will not alter the state of his mind to that state and when I speak on like going to the club a mature man is not going to the club the only way a mature man going to the club is if he is a professional dancer meaning he is on a dance team meaning he is a backup dancer for Sierra and Chris Brown and they they tour and so he goes to the club to get some live practice to show off his skills that's the only way I'm just the only reason I mature man in the club or he owns the club or he is the promoter of the club and it is his business or he is the security guard him being at that club makes him money that's the only reason why he's there and that's the only reason it has to do with his money if it's not making him money a mature man is not in the club and and something oh you know I'm celebrating and I know I got like clients who athletes and they go to the club to have a good time to earn the unwind they have not fully matured just point blank period I'm not judging you but you have not fully matured because when you go into the club you're going into an environment and a lot of these people don't have children but I have homeboys that's been shot and killed at the club I know god that's been shot and killed at the club because you're going into an environment of circus monkeys you're going into an environment where everybody is getting drunk we're men with fragile egos fragile masculinity stepping on your shoes and then y'all fighting and then you go from fight into going outside to pulling guns somebody did so yes you can get shot and killed at the movie theater by mass shooter but that's not an environment where that is set up to happen that is something that is out of the norm but when you go into the club you're inviting trouble you're inviting chaos because you are around people who are drunk who are high people who are in pain people who are stressed people who are frustrated and that's your regular Club now I'm not talking about a woman because a woman may be in the club for another reason but as a woman what you in the club for what age you stop going to the club and why did you stop going to the club for those you who don't go to the club think about why you stopped think about why you stopped as a man I stopped going to the club probably twenty three years old I got married at 23 and you know why I stopped going to the club because when I used to go to the club I was going to the club to hang out because that was the hunting ground so we would before we go in the club we would say let's see who could get the most phone numbers first one to five numbers when literally were going to club just to ask for phone numbers to stand up against the wall in the dark and squeeze booty anybody any woman walking past you you reaching out squeezing your hand full of booty and she looking back crazy sometimes they turn around and swing but it's three four five guys so she don't know who did it but that's the immature state of mind that you in when you in the club so when I got married and I mature I say it sure that's happening in the club bullets don't know no names so what if one day I shootout happened and I get shot and killed and I got a wife and a child so I stopped going to the club because you have to look at risk management so am I gonna go to a club or I'm gonna take my wife out to eat somewhere now a mature man will not be controlling and jealous and insecure now everybody has some a little bit of insecurity but a mature man learns how to tame that insecurity I have to do it all the time when I'm out and about and we had a soccer game and my wife ki can't with another man so cuz they'd be other dads and the dads be around and they may be talking and in my head the old and mature want to come in and say why y'all in a man faith knowing all that ki can but then at the mature me I have to realize if it was anything if it was anything to it she wouldn't be doing it in front of me I gotta talk real sense if she had a motive she wouldn't be talking to the guy about soccer now all they're talking about is soccer already talking - soccer told my the game told me all this and that they ain't told my nothing else didn't tell my personal life and then they talk about soccer when I'm not there they talking about me what I do for a living right now I'm out of town I'm working with a college basketball team you know and the team is doing well and I'm here and I just had a life skill session so if she had a game tomorrow with my son some itis a way your husband and oh he out of town working with a team oh really what do you mean working with a team he's a team life coach and they talk about that and she tell me so a mature man learns to be confident a mature man becomes confident my wife she had about right now she probably somewhere picking up stuff running errands a immature man will be like what I was when I first met her an immature man would be where you had what you're doing oh you probably not talking to somebody or you went to meet your boyfriend mm-hmm yeah whatever tell me whatever you want oh here you go oh you're gonna bring up what I did oh my goodness we still on that oh why are you bringing that up oh you must got a guilty conscience that's what you're doing you trying to bring up what my mistakes I made because you got a guilty conscience you still talks he has a boyfriend I bet you ill remember the last time you talked to your ex-boyfriend see that's why I can't trust you now that's why I can't trust you not because you remember that time he texts you and you text him back not just at the blue this whole argument came up that's the immature man so that immature man is gonna show that in the first three to six months he's gonna show insecurity he's gonna show controlling behavior he's going to be jealous and he's gonna show these emotions and you're gonna realize this man has not matured now understand this back to the date thing because everybody get hung up on this and women wanna argue with me about this so you know I'm gonna keep on touching on it but let me show you a mature man when you go out on a date he is not expecting you to pay he's not expecting you to offer to pay your half he's not expecting to go Dutch a mature man is expecting to pay for the date but guess what that's what y'all fail to realize if you offer to pay your half or let's say he has paid for 3-4 days and let's say you offer to pay for the whole date a mature man will respect that and he will politely decline he will say no I got it if he truly has it he will say I got it because he expects to pay that's what a mature man so women say oh my Chairman when expect you to pay I never said that the man expects you to pay I never even talked about the man in this equation and his mindset around it I was talking to women about your mindset and how you need to show up in the world today I don't even mention in him but so many women took and twisted and said so now men expect us to pay I never said men expect you to pay I never said that a man should expect you to pay we weren't even talking about the man we're talking about the woman and what your approach should be so what this mature man is gonna do he's gonna say thank you he's gonna respect you and then he's gonna put you in a class of your own he's gonna say because I've bet he's gonna say to himself man I've been on hundred days and that's the first woman to offer to pay her half something different by that one but look if you had a mindset that you suggest that you should not offer if you have that mindset didn't guess what even if he's a mature man and even if he's not judging you for that you just did the same thing that the other 100 did think about that so what I'm trying to say is is that even mature men wanna see where you are as a woman in your mental space in your heart in what you are expecting from him and how you're judging him as a man he want to know how do you define what a man is because this mature man he's paying attention and if you define a man by him accepting or being okay with you offering to pay for your half of the date or if he's okay with you offering to pay for the day after he's paid for several days if you define him as not a real man now you just lost out on a real man because even a mature man wants to be appreciated wants to be reciprocated wants to know that you aren't just there with a handout like your stuff don't stain and like you all perfect and holier-than-thou and he's the only one that has to bring something to the table but you're not showing what you bring to the table and so the other part of this is a mature man don't get caught up on them but a mature man is not going to expect anything in return so a mature man let's say he pays for every day let's say and understand this even a mature man may let you pay for a day if you are if you offer because he may be looking at it like well well I fin her if I say no but regardless of how it goes even if he says knowing he pays a mature man is not going to expect anything in return now see this is difference between a mature man an immature man the immature man is the one who expects you to pay your half the immature man is the one who expects you all to alternate who pays for the date the immature man is the one who expects you to feel a sense of obligation to do something for him to please him sexually or physically in some way because he has been catering to you financially by paying for all of y'all's outings a immature man will respect you to repay him with your body understand that understand that that's the difference a mature man that's another point a mature man will not be trying to coerce you into the bed a mature man will focus more on getting to know you learning who you are what you are what you want where you're going a mature man will actually spend more time getting to know you and be waiting for you to kind of give him a signal or for you to come on to him a mature man a mature man actually will let you know if he senses that you have not fully healed and you have not fully grown and he senses that you are trying to or you are trying to reciprocate with your body because you've been conditioned that way by this toxic world a mature man will speak to you and say to you listen you don't have to do that you don't have to feel like you do that you have to do that you'd rather feel like you owe me like you don't have to come on to me you don't have to you know try to sleep with me or do any sexual favors for me just because I'm treating you like a queen just because I'm taking you out on dates and you I get it I understand it but you don't have to do that a mature man listen to me now listen to me listen to me now I said a mature man but what I need you to understand now what I just described is one in a thousand okay oh listen 900 see if I get some light in you now what I saw Hey hear me out now I hate to be bleak if that's the word yeah country boy got some words from y'all to now but listen to me I want y'all to understand this man I'm I'm describing he ain't a dime-a-dozen he ain't me it ain't a whole bunch I'm walking around I hear nine so I understand you might have to do a little maintenance under the hood what I mean by that is you might have to work on the man meaning you might have to check him a couple of times you might have to talk to him a couple of times you might have to you know help him understand your mindset and where you at you might have to reel him back in a couple times now and he still could be considered a mature man because remember a mature man is not a perfect man so just because he is much her does not mean he's not a man does not mean he doesn't have a sex drive does not mean he won't take what you given him it does not mean that he could be mature but still be imperfect so if you waiting on a perfect man that will do nothing wrong that will make no mistakes that won't let you down if you willing to lay down you might be waiting all your life because if he he could be abstinent he could be asked but if you look like you ready delete like a frog and you feeling frisky you feeling froggy he might leap he might leap believe and I him is good man that fall every day it's good man so I want you to understand this and differentiate between the grown boy and the wrong man but what I need you to understand is that even a mature grown man is still a work in progress we as humans will never be perfect we will never do everything right please get out of that fantasy fairy tale that you talking about well imma wait till I meet the man that he gonna open my door he gonna close my door he's gonna be offended if I even think to offer to pay for a date he's gonna be so offended he's gonna tell me about myself for offering to pay he will never let me open my wallet to pay a single cent he's going to marry me in 12 months 24 months he's going to buy our house he's going to work and bust his butt and not require me to lift a finger he's going to cater to me he's gonna do this and do that and that's how a lot of women sound like you waiting on this man that Jesus has not created that God has not made and is not making because what God is saying just what God saying what God is saying in the whole of all of us that I have no respect of persons what that mean is that God sees everybody the same the good book also says that every one every man will fall short of the glory of God the good book also says in Proverbs a faithful man who can find one I want you to understand that God realizes that we are imperfect and that he gives us grace because of our imperfections so if you say you waiting on the man God got for you you got to realize that God is not going to give you something that he doesn't even have because God does not have any perfect humans God has to be gracious and giving and forgiving and understanding but here's the thing even in the Bible you see where God will distance himself and turn his back on his people if they refuse to grow and to learn he turned his back on the people of Israel even in in in the New Testament you read about where it tells you if a person won't hear and they won't hear reason and you come before one witness and to witness and they still won't hear distance yourself going back to business so understand that that I'm not saying except a mediocre man I'm not saying put up with a whole bunch of junk a whole bunch of nonsense I'm not saying allow a man to abuse you physically emotionally or verbally allow a man to cheat on you but what I'm saying is don't hold a man to impart to a perfect standard when he is an imperfect human being that he may have a tough conversation that it may sound one-sided he may say something that it sounds one side it sounds like maybe he's confused about gender roles like hey you know I'm making all of this money you know and I'm taking care of all the bills can you cook a meal you know can you cook I just want to come home to a hot meal and you may take that oh you a male chauvinist my place is in the kitchen oh just cuz you make some money just had you pay the bills you want a cookie now oh you want a cookie oh my goodness I cannot believe it so you expect me just a cooking clean and some women will take that approach at a man for saying no he's just saying look this is what I do this what I'm bringing to the table right now can you bring this over here to the table that's all he said but you could take that the wrong way it's like oh you ain't a real man you're not a real a real man we'll make enough money for chef a real man we'll make enough money to order out to eat cuz I'm tired just like you and so that's what's happening and I'm telling y'all it's a lot of trash man I hear it's a lot of trash man out here but it's also a lot of good men who are works in progress who are imperfect human beings who have pure intentions and you got to give that man Grace and understand that he won't do and say everything right but what he does do it will never be to intentionally hurt you use you manipulate you or take advantage of you but he will be imperfect just as you are imperfect and you will desire some things in him and from him just as he desires some things in you and from you and he may not measure up and you may not measure up in every area but you got to look at the big picture so I say to myself does my wife respect me and is she faithful that's that's what matters I'm not counting how many times a month she cooks how much she cleans how much we come together intimately in the bed I'm not counting all of that does she respect me and is she faithful that's what matters most because what good would it do me if she sleep with me seven nights a week but didn't curse me I sleep with me seven nights a week and call me out my name sleep with me seven night so we cook three meals a day seven days a week but then belittle me in public what good would that do what good is that the same thing goes what good does it do for a man to spend all this money on you take care of you hand and foot pay for everything do everything open every door closed every dog show all this Silveri in those areas but didn't cheat on you what good would it do so listen get this through your head understand where I'm coming from feeling on this pheromone listen understand that a mature man has morals and values he has character but he is not perfect it is Tony Gaskins I please forgive me for there being so long I just had to get this all the way out cuz I know y'all like to argue and y'all like to go out one syllable oh you left the last syllable afterward so what that mean he nails what you trying to say is that man get to do whatever they want to do you left that off that word and so I have come to the place the way I realized I got an over explain so that you understand I am never making excuses for me I am never trying to get make excuses for women I'm there I want every I'm calling everybody to their highest self to be the absolute best you can be but what I'm also doing is giving grace as God give grace and understand that we all imperfect and we all works in progress and you cannot ask for grace for yourself and then hold somebody else to a unrealistic or to a irrelevant standard something that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things it is Tony gasps and God bless you we'll talk soon Oh remember you want to join a channel as a member thank you so much to the blessed tribe members y'all law of blessing god bless you the link is in the description if you're not a member of the channel you want to be invited to our Sunday QAS click the link in the description and you'll see the other links for the courses that you need and the affiliate links as well god bless you and if you got this far the least you could do hit that subscribe button you to show me that over 50% of my views or people who are not subscribed come on now god bless

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 87,169

Rating: 4.9288416 out of 5

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Id: XstH7FvJivw

Length: 39min 11sec (2351 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 03 2020