How Empaths Attract Narcissists

[Music] to be in your presence morning open your Bibles to Judges chapter 16 today we're going to do I think maybe I don't think we'll get through it all today but I wanted to do something on okay we've done about narcissism we talked about nurses so why do we attract narcissists in our life now this goes to the other side of the coin one side is the narcissists and there's a spectrum and now today we're going to talk about the impasse and also the people pleasers which is a spectrum and many of us are recovering people pleasers you might not know your people pleaser till after today because the Bible says live at peace with all men so sometimes we think we're just making peace and sometimes we don't realize that we're really trying to fix people or we're enabling people or we're lying and we're lying because we don't want to rock the boat and so a lot of people pleasers Barbra never stood it's like there's a lying spirit there because they're not honest and you can get into trouble all sorts of trouble because resentment starts growing inside of you when you think you're making everyone happy but they're crossing boundaries and you can never say no and you become very sick and you become very anxious and you try to please people and know you're not happy they're not happy how many know you can't please people so our goal is to please the Lord and we're supposed to be kind and nice and some people could use a little help on that but then other people have the kind mask on that's pretty fake and it's it's a mask that they use to try to get approval and love so we Boyd relationships are a lot of work aren't they and we all have blind spots and we all think sometimes you know you think you're doing the best you can do and then you look back and you go wow no wonder so many narcissists abusers bullies con artists have been attracted to me because as a people pleaser you don't want to see bad in anyone you want to see everyone is good and if you have a good hurt you naturally assume everyone else does right so along with this empathy gift and being very compassionate and loving and serving we have to balance it out we have to balance it out we have to learn what to do what not to do we have to learn how to put up boundaries we have to learn how to say no in a good way we don't have to be mean and cruel like we see a lot of the other side of the coin they're abusive they're mean they tell you what they want and we so don't want to be that way sometimes you can almost be the other way so we're gonna talk about why you attract the narcissus in your life and also about empathy and the dark side of being an empathic people-pleaser there's good sides but then there's also sides that we need to grow in and that's why job some people think it says jobs so they never turn there but job 5:17 it's as happy is the man God corrects therefore despise not the chastening of the Lord so as we are growing in God he's going to show us areas and boy it's hard when we start seeing blind spots it's like ouch don't touch that area have you ever been that way one thing good about God he doesn't show us all our blind spots at once oh yeah but we're all coming from different places abusive childhood the number one reason people get counsel counseling today is from abuse in their childhoods and in the hard part is for most people to even acknowledge they were abused because to them it's so normal and they never get help because they won't see what actually went on and then they're so busy in denial denial means you won't face reality and then enabling we enabler now enabling is another thing we're going to talk about and that's another ouch hallelujah because we take over where people won't do certain things so we enable them and it causes them not to experience consequences and what they don't experience consequences they won't change so you know you keep mowing your neighbor's yard more on your neighbor's yard you get angry and you get upset because that's his yard but you take responsibility for it now he thinks it's you're always gonna do that so all of a sudden one day you just blow up and he doesn't understand why you're mad he didn't ask you to mow his yard all right but enable us do that they just do things and they then one day they're just they're just tired of it they feel like they're taking advantage of and there's a reason for it so we're gonna talk about all these things today but we have to get to first of all is I'm not going to be defensive I'm going to let God correct me because correction is tough I don't care what age my little granddaughter six she goes I don't like people telling me what to do she's got some pretty strong parents and you know people in her life but we're all that way we don't like people telling us what to do but God wants us to have that humble heart of always staying teachable so we always have to stay teachable so we've been talking about the narcissist for the last four weeks so the next couple will probably talk about the empath and I don't even like using that word because it's kind of a psychology word that it's new-agey and it's it's really I've listened to some other YouTube's and I was like oh yeah they act like you can be one with the earth you know we're not talking about we're talking more about people that actually what the word empathy means you you feel you're so in tune you can talk to somebody and you feel what they're feeling you know and it's it's a gift a lot of times it's a gift because you you can put yourself in that person's shoes you can understand where they've come from and you don't judge them really quickly you you you love people where they are but with that side of the gifting side of it there's also a curse that goes with you think you can fix anybody I'm gonna fix them I'm gonna change them and that's why they stay with the narcissist so long is because they think their love will change someone and how many know it's only God that can change people and we can't get the attitude that we're going to fix people and that's part of the problem is we think we can and we end up wearing ourselves out and become exhausted we all have to want to grow ourself and you can't change your husband you can't change your wife you can't you end up fighting and it's you can't you have to let God change people from the inside so the whole point is we never outgrow counsel we never outgrow correction some people don't like to be corrected they're very proud and haughty but then you stay stunted so we have to open up our heart and just say Lord I want to be corrected by you whom the Lord loves what does he do he chastens us why because we all have blind spots now we know what a blind spot is when driving somebody you know we turn in the lane we didn't see him they were in our blind spot we didn't turn our head we we got an accident well people around us are in our lives because they can see our blind spots but if we don't open up to them and we're not honest we don't ever let anyone talk to us in a real way we're just all so phony and we've got it we're on top and rising we're the best we're the head not to tell we have no real relationships in our life and we get derailed there is a book it's called derailed by timur win' and it tells about the blindside of executives of CEOs of Home Depot Procter gamble Fannie Mae why they failed at their businesses and the reason why they all failed their number one cause from this book of why they failed is they had rigid boundaries they shut off any feedback they wouldn't receive any correction they didn't want anyone speaking into their lives into their jobs in other words they were very proud and as a result of that they failed and the same thing will happen to us we have people in our lives and God puts him there to help us see things in us Amen so the red flag here was that in this derailed book there was so much pride all these CEOs failed and they didn't need to fail but they wouldn't allow the people around them to speak into their life or to correct them and so we have to stay correctable all through our life so let's open this up with judges chapter 16 and I wanted to get into two people please there's I don't think we're not going to get into the other one but the first one we're going to talk about is Samson and maybe next week Aaron Aaron's really a people pleaser and judges chapter 16 we're gonna see that we attract sometimes the wrong people in our life have you ever had wrong people in your life well Samson did not know how to choose correctly he had bad boundaries now boundaries are something that God talks about all the way through the Bible he told Adam and Eve don't eat of that tree don't don't eat it that's a boundary they disobeyed they broke the boundary so what happened consequences so he gives us all these things in the Bible that we are supposed to flow and follow in as Sault we won't have the consequences of you know the mental illness that's going on today is because people aren't saying you know even about marriage and different things they're twisting everything all I want to do it my way and as a result they're they're having a lot of mental problems and there's going to be a whole new sense of mental illness that's coming because people don't know who they are anymore I think one state said you can have 15 genders I mean seriously so they're breaking God's boundaries and as a result of breaking boundaries it's not a matter of not loving these people God's trying to keep them out of being you know going nuts going crazy because when we break his boundaries we suffer consequences well we know that Samson was dedicated unto the Lord and his oath was to keep his hair long as long as it was he was God's man and God would protect him that was his secret covenant but he also played a lot of games and as a result he would test God do things and always come back always strong always in charge nothing happened he'd shake himself the Philistines would be upon him and what you know he'd just go out as before and sometimes that happens in our life we think we can break God's commands or God's covenant and look at you know nothing nothing happened lightning didn't happen but consequences built up you know so here we see the whole story of Samson and verse 1 he saw there in harlot and went unto her well there should be a red flag right there he chose the wrong kind of people now he had a calling on his life but he loved the wrong kind of women and it cost him something and when you have a bad-boy image or whatever and you picked the wrong you're gonna have consequences down the road because everything that God tells us in though in the word is for a reason and these boundaries are in there like when you're driving down in a road if you go cross your boundary you just go in front of another car you're going to have an accident so those lanes are there for your protection and a lot of people think well as God's trying to control me he's trying to protect us and sometimes he's trying to protect us from ourselves or from other people that he does not want in her life so here he's picking the wrong people and he loved Delilah now we see that she was also one that she put money ahead of a relationship because in verse four the Philistines the Lords of the Philistines of so that means there was the few of them plural came unto her and said entice him and seeing where his great strength lieth and by what means we may prevail against him that we may bind him it to afflict him now a good person would say no I'm not gonna you know turn my boyfriend over to you for you to bind in a flick well right there something's wrong here with this woman and he says we will give thee every one of us not just some people read that just eleven hundred pieces of silver know every single one of them were gonna give her silver so she's getting a big bundle here so all of a sudden now her whole focus is how can I get the secret out of him and so she goes right up to him and now this is why he is not all there she goes right up to him and she tells him what she's gonna do and this is what abusive controlling people sometimes it do they tell you right up front what they're gonna do with you and he was in denial and we can get in denial when we say ah they're not really that bad they really wouldn't do that when we start telling ourself lies you get in denial and we've all done it or we some buddies are being abusive to you and you make excuses for them oh well they just had a bad day they're grouchy cuz they they didn't have any sleep last night no they're grouchy because they're a jerk and they don't care how you feel they want to be intimidating they want to push you around I mean Oh sometimes you gotta just say that's just the way they are stop making excuses for the way they are because they're gonna have to face their own consequences I don't know about you but I was a great a great lot of denial in my life if you guys ever done that make excuses for people well they're just this way because some after a while there is no more excuse we have to take responsibility for our own behavior so she's telling him right up tell me I pray thee wearing your great strength lieth where there you know cuz I'm gonna bind and afflict you know no secrets here so he sees it as a game and he goes into if I do this then this is my strength of goal for me so shoot what does she do she she does it she calls them out they're hiding and they come out and talk about what where is this guy I mean he's in plain sight here comes the enemy trying to afflict him but it comes to a point where the manipulation and the control and he actually gives his power away and this is what happens when you get around an abusive person you choose you have to make a choice to give your power away or leave that relationship why didn't he leave what would a happen what happened if Samson would have said no to her I see you're an evil woman you you want to destroy me you're trying to find out my power with God and you in these Philistines are always right there to to afflict me why didn't he say no because he deceived himself and we do that when we keep playing the game crossing over boundaries he shouldn't cross and we keep thinking we're gonna get away with it one more time we're gonna get away with it one more time and everybody's done it so here it says it came to pass she pressed him daily with her words and urged him so that his soul was vexed she nagged him to death she was an ultimate nag beg and Haigh and she just drove him crazy so finally what does he do he tells the secrets of his heart but he's still deceiving himself because he thinks he can shake himself and go out as other times but he didn't know that the Lord had left him right so this is number one have you ever picked the wrong people in your life people who abandon people who hurt people who neglect people who damaged you emotionally are you an easy prey for a manipulative person are you an easy target for a narcissist that's what we're going to talk about today what did Delilah do when Samson tried to put up boundaries what happens when you try to put up boundaries with people manipulative people do not take no they push through your no the most important thing we can teach our kids and grandchildren is no because some kids never learn the word no they're spoiled and they get whatever they want they've never to this day learn no so even at their jobs they're gonna push they're going to push boundaries and narcissist push boundaries these push boundaries so what does that person in your life do with your no when you put up a no and do you put up a no unfortunately Sampson never put up boundaries he was a boundary less person do they respect you know do they withdraw emotionally do they treat you differently when you say no do they get hurt and play victim when you say no this is the problem with the people pleaser do you feel guilty when you say no the ultimate people pleaser on their grave said I hope this I hope my dying didn't interfere with your day I hope I didn't inconvenience you because I died today do you become bad in their eyes for being separate from them because what happens when we don't have boundaries in our relationship and even marriage you need boundaries you need some things that are good some are bad this is what I will allow this is what I won't allow or you have a measurement and a measurement is one you don't know where one person starts and the other one ends there's just a total you know it's like there's just one person there in the Bible even though you get married you're still supposed to be separate you're together but you still have you still have your own identity you have that your likes and dislikes you're not to be dominated and controlled by anyone God doesn't want anyone to be in prison when they get married it should be freedom but a lot of people are controlled and manipulated in a lot of their relationships work whatever so the next red flag the first one they didn't say no what do they do with you know the second one is the dangerous people have no empathy now people that are very empathetic and people that are very people pleasing they are givers they're in your there your nurses there your people that want to see you healed they're you know they're in a lot of these occupations they give give give well the abusers are the takers and it's amazed on how they're magnets the takers and the givers just and that's not a very good healthy match but it seems very normal in the beginning and a lot of times very empathetic people marry narcissists and we're gonna explain why but the people that have no empathy now here you see Delilah she didn't have any empathy she didn't care if she hurt him she didn't care if he got afflicted she didn't care all she wanted was her money she had definitely a puzzle piece missing now what is empathy it's walking in the shoes of another person and not judging them until we see what suffering the person has been through and why they act the way they act that's a very good quality and we all want to develop empathy we all want to be able to understand can people come to you well they know you're gonna listen to them or they don't you're one they don't want to talk to they're not coming to you because you you don't care well an empathetic person you enter the world through another call them emotional sponges and there's a reason why you're that way sometimes you're just born with having more of a caring nature and other times you were abused as a child and you never got any love and you were abused and you felt invisible and you could never say what your needs were so you grow up thinking I don't want to tell anybody what I need I'm just there to meet their needs and if I just make everybody happy then I'm going to be loved rather than coming from the position of I'm in the Lord I'm loved I'm accepted I give because I give and you know it's a balance where I please the Lord my I walk in the fear of the Lord and because I walk in the fear of God I want to please God otherwise you're coming from I got to please people I got to please people and you guess what you're never going to be able to please people people are so fickle you know one day they'll like you the next day they don't that's what they did to Jesus empathy is what makes a relationship real and safe if you have someone in your life you can be real with and be safe you have a good relationship most of the time narcissists I don't care how your day was they don't care how you feel unless they get counseling and they and they get this built into their life and if they're on the lower scale there's quite a spectrum here but but if you've never been taught empathy it's one of the most important you have to to teach your children is to learn how to see things from other people's point of view because we're all so different you see pain on people and you want to help it's important that we we aren't so selfish and when people are hurting we want to help them but if you go too far in this then you become overburdened with everybody's problems you become the caretaker of everybody's life you want to fix everybody and you end up sick you end up with anxiety disorders you end up with digestive problems because you're taking on more than what God wants you to take on right so there's all of with all of our relationships it's relationships are so messy there's it's work it's work just stay balanced but people-pleasing is a trap in proverbs 29:25 it says the fear of man it brings a snare knowing the Hebrew that implies a hook for the nose so in other words if you're just going to please people they can pull you wherever they want to pull you with their hook they want you know they want to please if you don't have any standards if you don't have any morals if you don't have any goals or convictions people can just push you around wherever they want you to go and then that means that you're probably in a state of your fear rejection I don't want to be honest because I'm afraid if I am honest how I really feel then they're going to reject me I fear conflict I can't have conflict if I have any conflict gets bad no conflict in itself is not bad it's the problem I have with people is they're not honest and they wait till the conflict gets so big then they have an explosion that's bad the conflict in itself we are going to have conflicts we're not all going to agree on things and we're all different we're all different so conflict in itself they say actually better marriages have conflict because people that that have no conflict there's such people pleasers and they're full of resentment there like lodges are not going to talk to them anymore so they shut down they go quiet because they talking to them doesn't matter it doesn't change them they're always going to be this way that's when you start developing a lot of problems so conflict in itself is not bad that's why God confronts us he's always confronting us and it's conflicting my spirit wants to do this and my soul wants to do this so conflict in itself in some times we've been with people that are that are bad with conflict and they just cut you off in conflict that's wrong behavior just because somebody doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're bad and it doesn't believe doesn't mean you shouldn't have them in their life and maybe they're your good friends that are telling you the truth maybe they're your blind-spot people that gods put there to say look out you need a course correction or you're gonna be in trouble down the road well you don't want to hear that when your flesh is saying I want Delilah I want Delilah but boy he wishes he would have learned because he had a course correction didn't he people please are set aside their own legitimate needs now this is the thing I think that's really the most important because you have these gifts and you do have an ability to understand people and sometimes strangers come to you and they tell you their problems you don't even ask but you they feel a safety about you you have you have to be careful because you can give to a point where you have needs yourself but you don't acknowledge those needs now we all need time to ourself we all need schedules we all need certain things but a people-pleaser a lot of times they will take care of strangers and leave their families needs not met because they're so interested in pleasing everybody but you know my family already knows how I am so they take care of the strangers and now all of a sudden your legitimate needs are not being taken care of because you're wanting to fix others you want to fix them you want to make them happy and that comes from childhood maybe your dad was an alcoholic which mine was and he comes home and you you had to take care of my dad would come home and I I'd stay up as a little girl waiting to make sure he got home that night because he was drunk all the time and did he make it home tonight oh good I can go to sleep now that's not normal for a little kid to worry about the condition of their parents its parental inversion but a lot of us had that so people pleasers you grow up and you just you know dad wasn't there for me but I'll be there for him so you end up taking care of your parents and then you end up being a caretaker and you have to when you get saved you got to filter all this out say that's not healthy that's not normal but that's just the way some of us found ourselves and that was a survival technique but now that you're older that doesn't work anymore that survival technique was needed then but now come out of it does that make sense a good example this is a true story of a house that was built in Tennessee and they were both people pleasers and they didn't want to say no to the other one so they both wanted a different style house they were building the house so the husband wanted a ranch house with logs in a fireplace and antlers over the fireplace and you know all blah blah blah blah and the wife wanted a contemporary house with ultra-modern art and you know cement and silver and all this stuff so they decided that they were going to build half-and-half and he he had his side the logs were coming out and in all this and then she had her side it was all ultra-modern and it was the laughingstock of the community everybody laughed at them because it was the house that no one could say no and she okay you can have that you can hate it was a laughingstock what harm can it do to satisfy everyone well we all can't be pleased so you know sometimes with the kids you have five kids they're not all happy so I'm going to do this somebody has to learn to say no right let me say some more about em pass here and pass listen to other people and empathize with their emotions that's actually what that word and pathos means it means feeling into the feeling sometimes when New York you walk into a room and you can feel someone's really sad they don't even have to say something you can feel it you can feel when when things are when you either have this or don't some people are oblivious and you're like well they're lying they said this but that's not they can see through people they're extremely compassionate giving and loyal now to the extreme they can be too loyal they can stay in abusive relationships long instead of getting out and getting healthy talked to someone on the phone this week I was just like no you are not a martyr you are not the some of the things she told me she was going to do for kids I said that's not normal you are going over into way beyond a normal sacrifice this is self abuse you're abusing yourself and she couldn't she kind of got offended but people when they think that they're living with a narcissist and they're just gonna keep sacrificing themselves that's not normal behavior they're loyal to a fault many based on childhood abuse believe that they are unlovable because they didn't get the love because the parents didn't know how to love and the parents were in survival mode themself they didn't give that child what it needed so what do they do now they live to perform if I just perform I can get love from you if I just do enough nice things you're gonna think I'm really nice and you're gonna love me that's not why we get love we give because we want to give and we give with no strings attached I've had to teach people I've had to learn myself you give somebody something if nothing comes back and return that's okay you did as under the Lord God will repay you but when you're looking for stuff from people bet you'll always be disappointed because it won't come back the way you thought you want it so you perform to love and pass have one of the big dark sides if they have not learned how to say no you have to practice you have to say no and little things take steps and say no because if you don't say no to the abusive people in your life guess whose fault it is it's ultimately what our responsibility we have choices we have to make and we've all made some bad choices and now it's just time to say lord I want a girl that the rest of our life this can abuse us if we don't grow if we don't change we're gonna constantly have the same problems with resentment because people that are the empaths are full of resentment how can they be full of resentment because they give and give and give and don't know when to stop and then they're upset they gave so much of no one appreciated and they expect more do it again they haven't learned to put up proper boundaries prime targets if you don't know how to put up your boundaries this is the people the narcissists are looking for they're looking for you they're looking for your current heart they looking for loyalty they're looking for all these attributes that are good but because you don't have boundaries they will take advantage of you they will take sometimes advantage of your finances of your emotions of your status to get a green card I've seen it all you're a target they want to see only the good in people this is the other problem impasse have you just want to see the good in people so when you're younger and you especially with me when I first got saved I'm just like oh no they're good people they're good people they never know they're conning you they're lying they're cheating behind your back they're doing this and that but you don't want to see the bad so you got to grow out of that you have to let the Lord show you wisdom that's why he shows us look at David in the Bible all the bad stuff he did yeah he has a man after God's own heart but he still did bad things so you have to wake up and let you you know just cuz people are in church doesn't mean they're all good but their whole heart is they want to see the good they fight to see the good they want to believe they can change the abuser my love is different I'm gonna love them unconditionally and I'm gonna change them they get into trouble the inability to see the bad makes them targets throughout their lives not just now but you got if you don't learn these lessons you're gonna be targets the rest of your life from four abusive people that take advantage so then what what happens they marry narcissus the empaths and the narcs marry each other so what do we have to do we have to educate ourselves narcissus prey on empath they prey on their every once in a while an arc will find another narc but that never ends well the dark side of the EM pass they are taking advantage of and because they can be codependence and people pleasers and they give to the point of utter exhaustion you're drained if you're drained and you have people in your life you have to learn to say no can they come over no not today say no why can't you say no Tim was talking to some grandparents they have a hard time saying no to babysit they well they can't say no to the person well then don't go complain to someone else because you can't say no to the right person because you're complaining but you won't go and be honest and say no you I don't really I can't babysit today you have to put your own boundaries up and just say this doesn't work for me or you you called too late I'm sorry can't help you because if you don't put up boundaries they don't think you have any and they don't think you care you know and you always okay i sir find and then underneath you're just angry and bitter that's a sign angered us and bitter on the inside somebody's crossed your boundary so you have to do your homework why am i resentful why am i bitter right now why do I feel abused why do I feel taking advantage of that's a sign stay in abusive relationships too long and then they live in denial people are trying to tell you you this person you're with is an abuser they're that you're changed you're different since you oh no no no no you're always making up excuses always you know finding you live in denial is you are living in a lie basically you're living in a lie and you're many times people that are empathetic they're there you have a hard time detaching because they feel I can't reject this person I can't reject this person the source and the very thing they might need is for you to step away and detach that might be what they need is detachment that's another whole sermon on detachment so you cover up you defend and you protect whatever it can be an irresponsible person a good book to read is safe people book I've had that for years a safe people book and someone that won't take responsibility is a dangerous person an irresponsible person is a dangerous person because with every irresponsible person is an enabler with them and that's why would you have boys especially boy I was a neighbor I'd always do stuff for them then when do you it's like I'm not gonna do this for you anymore you know what you're old enough do it yourself because I can constantly enable clean their house clean when they're married have a filthy apartment I don't care I am not paying for that anymore he didn't care he didn't want one he wanted to live in it I mean like I'd go visit and I couldn't stand it it's like nope sorry you're old enough now that's your problem and past struggle with boundaries because of their love and their compassion they have to know is this okay to put up and just because sometimes if you wait too long you're going to put it up angry it's not good to put it up angry but put it up anyway if you have to some people take so long they don't know how to say no you're giving nature again attracts narcissistic people no I'm going to give you a little test here in a second if you're people pleaser or not but this is just my own test so who cares right people pleasers the bible says live and live in peace as far as it depends on you we want to live in peace with everyone don't we we want to but there are some really difficult people that make your life impossible to live at peace so there's things you have to do people please there's our conflict avoiders and one thing I found out this week I didn't know this but they're liars because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings they lie oh it's just a little lie it's so so no they tell lies to not rock the boat they're pushovers their approval seekers now don't freak out this is like six counseling sessions in one sermon okay so you're gonna have to listen to this over and over but their approval seekers and and because it's a guy I love dearly a guy that used to come to our old church all the time great musician but he was an over promise er he but you know what when you over-promised your liar he would tell us stuff that he was gonna do and he was gonna take our music and our music did back in the day did go around the world it literally did but he would over promise and he would say this he was gonna do this and he was going to do this and he would never there's no way he could do all this or you see these preachers are going to these churches and they go this is the best Church I've ever been to you are and they they they lie to the congregation I found this out when I happened to be at two big conventions this one speaker was going to be at and he told the same churches the exact thing I went liar liar liar you just told that other church they were the best pastors and they were it was like a script II read but whatever profession you're in it's the same thing over promise people pleasers can be doormats another thing they they have a hard time asking for help because they don't you know they feel invisible they don't want their needs to be known yes I need you to help me do this so if they're raising kids they end up doing all the work because they have a hard time asking for help always willing to go to fill in or to go along oh okay I'll do it I'll do it I'll do it everyone knows you're gonna say yes why because you can't say no you have to learn sometimes to say no this doesn't fit my schedule or I have to go ask my wife or I have to go ask my husband if this works for her because what happens is you're just doing it because you feel obligated to do it and you don't feel led to do it there's a difference but then you do it because you couldn't say no you do it and then what happens you're angry you feel violated and you're upset I told her my baby said but I didn't want to and now that you know they're twelve hours late and I so the end up feeling violated ignored and then you feel disrespected so you need a little talk and if you don't have a little talk that's your choice and if you don't put up a boundary guess what you're gonna have it continually happen again so you're affected by feelings of guilt oh boy people pleasers feel guilty we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and mercy motivated people are that way anyway you don't want to hurt people some people don't care but if you're a people pleaser you're extremely you don't want to feel guilty because everything's twisted to be my fault well that was my fault that was my fault it was my fault anyway no everything's not your fault and if you think everything is your fault really that's the sign of low self esteem no it's not your fault that was their choice they got their consequences yes this was my fault this is my responsibility on that healthy person in your life respects your boundaries and takes responsibility it's so refreshing when someone owns up I blew it there you don't have to convince them they just own it you're a healthy person if you can own your own issues and take responsibility attics and all these other kind of people it's never their fault you know it's never their problem they never grow up then I become resentful because I let other people walk all over me and I say yes when I meant to say no so whose problem is it so even though the NARC is there maybe some of you I know get lots of calls you got to say no you got to put up your boundaries you got to stop being the doormat you got to start saying how you really feel you got to be responsible I played the role of the caretaker and focus on others so it's normal to ignore my own needs and feelings now as Christians it's not God doesn't want you abused and he wants you to feel your feelings if you feel like you're tired and you can't do that it's okay to say no this just doesn't work for our family today this is gonna you got to learn to set up healthy boundaries and you know what healthy people respect your boundaries oh I'm so glad you told me that I would never want to put you out or if you don't want to do that I'm so glad I know that that doesn't work for you it shouldn't bother them at all it should be healthy to say no and to have your know be respected and honored because then as you raise your girls to say no when that what guy tries to push through her boundaries she's learned to say no right rather than oh you know I don't want to lose him so I'm gonna do whatever he says so I can keep them so then you end up with the people please are there that doesn't know how to have any boundaries and it's going to end up feeling guilty used and filled ashamed so this happens all throughout our life and if you don't grow in this area your relationships will always be one-sided you'll be doing all the giving and that person will be doing all the taking and that's not how God created it he wants us to give and take you know that you're know I respect you know thank you for me that I didn't know that that was a problem we should honor and respect each other's no right I am an extremely loyal person and I stay an abuse way too long why you feel like you deserve it or somehow other it's your fault so let me give you this real quickly remember awareness is the first step now we don't expect if we've been chronic people pleasers our whole life to just change overnight it is a process but sometimes we got to go over the list and just say okay I need one Lord I need help on that because we are doing the opposite side of the coin of the narcissus okay do I set aside my legitimate needs in order to make other people happy now we all have legitimate needs God created us to have certain needs but do you always put your needs aside when other person is angry I go into the appeaser mode oh we can't let them be upset so I'm gonna just you know what let them be angry and let everybody know what an idiot they are it's don't go into the abuser PC mode trying to fix it because you're always walking on eggshells in and you're always in a in a in a mode of trying to fix trying to help trying to sometimes you know what say nothing and just sit there not my problem I can cave my convictions when faced with a persuasive person that controlling boss or that strong personality that comes in and all of a sudden now you you wanted to say no but oh yeah okay where all of a sudden you turned into a flying monkey I have covered resentment people would be shocked to see how much resentment I have in my life because I do too much for people and they don't appreciate it and they expect more so a true fault with a people pleaser is they're full of anger and resentment when you do things as under the Lord and you have right boundaries you do things because you want to and there's a freedom there okay I take on others responsibilities because they won't do them I am an enabler I do for someone what he should be doing for himself but they don't get the consequences when you do it they need to experience their own consequences what woke Samson up consequences he got his own consequences and what did he do he thank God he made it right with God and he ended up killing more people in his death and he did it his whole life God turned it around and for the rest of us our life now we want it to be turned around we've been people pleasers were coming out we want to obey God we don't want a fear man we want to live in the fear of the Lord but it's a it's a process I don't carry burdens of others that don't belong to me real people pleasers they suck up burdens from the end of the earth yeah oh yeah there and you end up all burdened and you're you can't do it stuff about some of these burdens anyway but you're overburdened being firm can be hard for me I bend at others demands to keep them happy and off my back so you just tell them what they want Here I am not honest with how I really feel I don't want to upset anyone number eight it's my job to keep the peace I can't say no because I feel guilty if I do and I hate disappointing anyone that's the end of that test how did you do don't we hate tests all right we're gonna close here so in clothing closing clothing what do we have to do to be not a target for abusers controllers manipulators and I'm talking about family members too we have to take responsibility you are in charge I am in charge of my own choices God has given us a free will narcissists don't like it the fact that you have a free will they want to mold you into their way of thinking they want to control you so you got to break out of that you got to realize you have your own choices you are responsible for your choices stop giving your power away take it back take back the power God's giving you you have choices you can say no you can say yes number two don't try and fix people fixing is a way of trying to get love attention and validation and it's also pride it was shocking when I found out that empaths have a dark side and it's pride I can change them we can't change people we can change our self but we can't change people we have to leave that in God's hands don't take the responsibility to fix and change other people that's pride only God can change them then you've got to name your limits every one of us have limits certain amount of hours and the day things you want to do and some you don't want to do name your limits what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed when you start feeling that uncomfortable stressed feeling usually a boundaries being broken by somebody somewhere find out who's crossing my limits where am I where am i needing to fix the fence because stuffs coming in and I need to fix this Samson had choices he had poor boundaries he couldn't say no to Delilah he gave all of his power to her and he was in denial but the consequences woke him up some of us have had consequences in our life that have woken us up and thank God we woke up because it's not too late Samson stayed too long in an abusive relationship she cries she begs she manipulates him what does he do he cave don't cave around manipulative people you got to be strong you got to be strong sometimes you got to stand up to him sometimes you have to leave them sometimes you have to detach from them nobody can tell you what to do but you have the Holy Spirit and sometimes you have to know like the best thing that Samson could have done was told to Delilah take a hike he kept going back to her and that's the problem with these kind of relationships this this trauma based relationship we keep going back to the abuser for whatever reason so he gets deceived and he thinks it's a game and again what would have happened if he said no and put up a boundary to Delilah we might have a book of Samson instead of him being the laughingstock and the guy with his eyes out we could see a guy that you know but God wants that in the Bible for us to see so many times in our life we haven't said no we haven't put up boundaries amen so let's pray father we thank you for the other side of the coin we can always point the finger at the narcs the bully's a conman and see where they're wrong but why did we allow them why did we allow them in our life what do we new need to do to say no to be strong to not let this happen again or to fix situations that we're in we ask you Lord for guidance where people are all over watching we just pray for them Lord that it's not too late you still have a life they still have changed choices they can still take responsibility they can forgive but that doesn't mean that you want them to go back forgiving isn't restoration restoration is a no another whole process in restoration we need to see repentance and we can forgive someone but if they haven't repented they're gonna keep doing the same thing so they might say they're sorry but if their behavior hasn't changed they have not repented so father we just thank you for freeing people from false guilt in Jesus name and everyone said I want to make one announcement for the YouTube Church we are a youtube Church and if you are getting fed here we do give you a tax-deductible receipt please donate to get a text a DEP deductible receipt and I want to thank the people that are there's like five people out of 3,000 really that have helped us and it's because I don't like asking because I don't want to be like those other preachers that take advantage of people but on the other hand I don't I'm kind of like I don't like my needs to be known but we do have needs here and we have people here we need to have you guys help us at this point in time if you want these youtubes to keep going amen that's hard they love y'all five [Music] you

Channel: Roberta Morrison

Views: 10,346

Rating: 4.9410028 out of 5

Keywords: Roberta Morrison Gilbert, Roberta Morrison, Living In His Presence Church, Bible Teachings

Id: EjVFIFp3EmY

Length: 49min 23sec (2963 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 03 2019