He crossed me and begging me back | Talks with Tony

hey tony guys here popping in for another episode of talks with tony now on certain days i may get two of these up in certain days i may not get any of them up but today um i had a coaching session that was canceled um or moved around so gave me a little more open time now got in here on this one i look like i have to you know just by the title i haven't read the email yet but i may have to move some words around just based on the title because you can't talk about everything on here you know so hi tony thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to respond to my question if you get to it hey god bless you got to it my ex-boyfriend as of the end of july has been begging me back a little back story met him through facebook dating app began to date and started a relationship i know now that the dating app was the wrong way to go through experience and by listening to your videos to go through by experience the wrong way to go through experience and by listening listening to your videos as we went on through the relationship he became more and more unpleasant he would yell when angry did not keep his word and texted other women i broke up with him and we got back together about three times fast forward to the last time i told him it would be the very last time if we did not work out on a seemingly normal day we spent time together and went back to his place we had a good conversation going and i mistakenly called him my brother's name whom he's met he asked who is dot dot dot and put his hands around my neck i thought he was joking for about the first two seconds then i saw he was serious and felt my airway partially closing he stopped when i got out brother he continued to try to intimidate me and did not leave me when i wanted to leave and did not let me leave when i wanted to leave after i left he messaged me and told me he was joking i didn't believe it i tried to believe it unfortunately i broke up with him for good after i moved to another city because it was easier by then to be done i sometimes lay awake at night replaying the events of that day in my head it still bothers me that someone who claimed to care about me would try to harm me i've moved on and do not and do not want to bring those thoughts into my next relationship he constantly calls or texts from a different number saying i need you back or i love you i've never let my family know about what he did because i am embarrassed and ashamed about it tony how can i move past this horrible past situation thank you thank you so much for writing in now that is a serious one and typically i wouldn't touch on anything like this here but i realized that it is happening it is real it does happen and um make sure my light that it does happen and it is very real and here's one thing that i could tell you that you never ever ever play with a situation like that now it's already been established that verbal of ill can end you too because people say that i've never gone through that but people say that you get to a place to where you feel like taking yourself out or you may get angry enough the way you want to take them out so that's verbal now that of course is going to take longer just because it's verbal when it comes to physical that can be in an instant that can be finito it's done listen you never ever want to play with that in ever in life want to play with that when a man goes there and with the intent to hurt it's over it's absolutely 100 over you can never go back never go back hear me because he crazy he is crazy men can be crazy and change but not with you very rarely and i wouldn't and i wouldn't test it to see if a man who is crazy enough to put hands on you can change with you i would not test that and so leave leave you gone stay gone block his number let him keep calling from different numbers he got to go through work to get other people phone or go through work to get the google voice numbers or however he getting these numbers let them keep calling what you need to do is put your phone on the uh don't ring for calls that's not in your contact list and put it on that so your phone won't even ring it won't disturb you so that way as you heal and your heart is healed and you move forward with your life when you meet a new man if you're out on a date and let's say you go and you post in your story that you on a date and he sees that and then he start blowing your phone up it won't even be ringing it'll just be going right to the voicemail right to the voicemail and let him do that because see if he gets you back again and hopefully he ain't got you back because you know this email from some time back a little bit ago hopefully you went back because if he gets you back again you might not be able to leave he might get you back to go ahead and go all the way so understand me now and don't think that i'm playing with you okay this i'm telling you as a man all right i'm telling you as a man and i haven't been there i'd have been every type of man you could think of i don't have been there when a man in that place he hates you and he hates you because he hated his life or he hated himself so understand that now let me cut this volume down understand that it's the queen hold on taking white let them know i'm feeling y'all got it forgiven talk to the queen we just did us a little son a little uh you know i love recreation and she and i was telling like all right look just pay for that deal and yeah okay felt that down she said okay i hope i hope you know you didn't feel like i was pressing you to go i know that's a lot of money i said no i'm i said i'm excited and happy about it because me i like to live i like to live because tomorrow ain't promise tomorrow ain't probably i'm cutting in on this young lady video but i'm just listening y'all tomorrow ain't promise if you know you could get up and earn money tomorrow and today you got enough to where you can go somewhere and live and do something like having experience you create memories especially if you got kids too so me i live for today god you got tomorrow lord you got tomorrow but today i'm going to live because tomorrow i promise so that's just my philosophy everybody ain't like that some of y'all want to hold every little penny and you can stack your savings to the ceiling thinking that tomorrow i promise listen i'm storing up in heaven everything here i'm leaving it here ain't no you all hooked up to no hearse i live y'all forgive him let my wife know i love hey gotta go baby family all right so now listen back to what i was back to what i was saying what you have to understand when a man in that place he hates him he hates himself he hates himself and therefore he hates you listen to me a man cannot put no hands on you with the intent to harm you and love you is he's incapable of it trust me he's incapable of it i'm telling you as a man who have been both men when i was in college and i was a college football player i lost my mind it was times i lost my mind i was in toxic relationships and when i went on oprah i told a story about a toxic relationship i was in and by the incident that happened when i was in college now fortunately it was no you know black eyes bust lips police call it was not all that serious like on that level like what we seen the celebrities go through where and all of that but it still was just out of body just a crazy toxic situation that had to deal with you know some infidelity type stuff going on in there not on my behalf and things was out of control and i remember being in that relationship for two years and i left i left that relationship and i met my wife when i met my wife that's when i completely let the past go i said hey we done for good because when i met my wife i said i know this my wife because i had kind of been kind of hanging on you know living in different states so it's long distance kind of hanging on just do what you used to and sometimes you'll meet somebody and that take your mind off things and it gives you the strength so that is true too sometimes you find the strength to forget the past by something new in your life now i don't recommend that because you need to heal before you deal i didn't know that at the time because i was 21. so when you of age and you're a grown adult now you know take this time to heal you move to another city heal you thinking about that situation when you think about it remember that he crazy remember that that could have cost you your life that day remember that that was a little test it was a little test that's why you're not completely that's why you ain't called a police that's why you know you're not saying look i came within an inch of my life and i just was so absolutely you know scared to death and i just bust out of there and ran and i just was because it was to where you felt it and that airway started to close and you felt it but it was him testing you so when he said i was just playing that was him this the sea and like you say you tried to believe it but it was a little too strong for you to believe it he had that hole was a look it was a little too aggressive for you to believe oh you planned because now you plan who that is you like hold on huh hey listen that right there oh i ain't got phone case no mo i didn't change phones on the phone case on about to get the darling that right yes now on yes yes please right now i'm 123 main street just put his hands on me come on over here right now thank you yeah okay i'll just in hold on want to try something else just because he thought i was in the lead he thought off in the lead yeah i'ma stand outside in front of the neighbor yard and just keep an eye on him just tag number abcd123 write it down just in case you get ready to leave mm-hmm just like that you got the strength and you got the breath to talk got to call them boys on anybody else who listen to me you got to call them boys get get yourself home boom get you a little space get your little free you can stand at the neighbor house then call the police on y'all got to stop trying to say these men because they grown and they know what they doing ah we sang call the police on like man for one we only know if we talk about a black man all right that's for one two it don't matter your color because yes we know what the police doing but that's what you need to know as a man as a grown man that the police gonna shoot first ask later the police rather be judged by 12 than carrot by six so if you jump froggy you do anything out the norm they is laying you down today and we losing unarmed folks so if a man put hands on you and he bring that about himself god had other stuff if he because he's not innocent he tried to hurt you so now he brought the police to dosed up his on his own will that's on him at the end of the day you got to think about your life because while you're trying to spare him you'll lose yourself trying to spare him because the next time he'll take your life and man then did it men have did and and a lot of times it happened because the woman did not call the police the first time or the second time or the third time see every time get worse you also got to understand criminal behavior it's like the first little thing you do okay is small time you get away with it okay you step it up a little bit you get away with it you step it up a little bit you step it up a little bit a lot of a lot of bank robbers get caught on a 10th bank not the first bank got greedy got complacent and got a little reckless what you got to understand this is nothing to play with so this man right here don't ever in your life talk to him again don't never let him know where you live at don't ever do no closure conversation if you already did that you need to cancel everything you need to follow up the map again you need to fall off the map again yes look you can forgive so that you can heal and move on with your life but when you forgive him you also need to forget him and let him move on because see when he move on the next thing could be the best thing next thing would be the best thing for him meaning that next situation he get in it could allow him to change his life but the reason why you can't say oh well i put in all this work and i didn't did all this i don't want the next woman to get a change man you can't think like that because he has learned the language with you so now he speaks a language of of ill with you he speaks that language of um with you now i'm saying abu uh all right can't say all the words on somebody network so now speak that language with you that's all he know so yes he could cool out he could calm down he could come to me for coaching he could go get counseling but when stuff hit the fan and it get wild it get crunk then he going back to what he know the language he didn't learn with you and that's why you can't play with that and listen i haven't seen it happen over and over and over cause i got family members who went through it and to god be the glory none of them lost their life but on a scene come real close and i heard these stories and and men ain't done men ain't done we know what we're doing when we doing it we know what we doing oh i blacked out no you did you ain't blackout you chose i you chose to do what you did listen i'm a man i'd have been there any blackout you already seen that in your head you already knew what you were going to do you already plotting the plan that first degree that first degree you already know what you're going to do oh a black dot or all like you just know how i was raised because you know you know i'm from the street so it's like you know how raised and you know i was abandoned and you know i was a foster kid and you know i was of you or my daddy and by my mama and so like whenever you do that it's like i just see red all right i'm gonna give you another color to see with that red throw some blue in there yes come on over here yep right now here you go yup there you go he's gonna lay down to take a nap he taking a nap right now but he just got done doing the unthinkable to put his hand on come on over here yup right now brain two three backups okay all right yeah i understand what's on the news and how stuff happened listen he i'm just letting you know right now he unarmed he's unarmed so you already know that you can let the police know that on all right so they want to square up with them y'all swell up with them but man unarmed all right all right you see what i'm saying all right you've seen red i'm gonna let you some blue too see what you have to realize is you hearing this from a man a man ain't nothing to be played with man ain't nothing to be played with y'all feeling sorry for grown men it's a grown man he making a choice unless you got with somebody that is mentally and when i say mentally i mean in the clinical sense of the term he is diagnosed mentally which means his brain cannot process in intense situations he cannot adapt to the environment and make a rational decision unless you are with a man who is mentally and i have worked with those men and it doesn't it says like they she say mildly that's what the clinical term so unless you're with a man and so what happened with these men i don't work with them in the group home grown men all shapes and sizes but what happened is they just they don't process everything in in the heat of the moment they don't process everything they'll go off to be honest with you they're human so you can't know if they really plan you or not because this other situation you see them process just fine you see them behave just fine but when they get mad and they want to be mad ain't no processing going they throwing hands you hear me and i have been in a group home they throwing hands they throwing knives butter knives because we had a real night butter knife they throwing forks they flipping over refrigerators i ain't lying flipping over cabinets ain't line it get real but these men are mildly clinically diagnosed if that's not your case with your man he know what he doing he know what i don't want to hear number oh he bipolar nope well if you know that why you with him he need to be with a therapist he needs to be on his medication with somebody he's not ready for no relationship to that doctor say well now i feel like you've overcome that you rewired your brain through your activities your exercises your learning you know doing your program every day and so you you ready to go about life you know and even if he is that still don't is not an excuse to put no hands all right so don't play with that right now he go to putting hands all right got to go got to go as soon as he go to sleep go to work you got to be gone because every single day lives are being lost because women think you could change a man you can't change a man only god could change a man you can't change a man you cannot change a man yeah you can stand your ground you stand in that relationship it's not it's not gonna help change him though that's not you standing your ground you stand on your ground as you leaving that could influence him to change and say man i keep losing the people i i quote unquote love so i need to change that can influence him to change but he gonna change for the next person not for you don't don't go back to see if he gonna change for you don't go back not this day and age it's just too much technology man know too much and learn too much it's just the world too advanced he know what he doing okay he know what he doing he know a lot of women scared to call the police and a lot of women want to be you know captain save them and oh look what the police doing to black men and you reaching and grasping for straws trying to find an excuse not calling police on no no listen listen before he even get ready and he get a little antsy all right you need to calm down because you already know i will call the police because you're getting a little too you do not talk to me like that do not raise your voice at me see never let a man raise his voice at you never let a man curse at you never let a man disrespect you verbally because typically it starts verbal then it goes physical and so if you entertaining the verbal that's what's going to invite the physical so you got to stop him from the jump and that's why my wife did me because i left that relationship and i would have been the same man with my wife but she stopped me from the junk she thought she wouldn't even let me raise my voice we got a disagreement i want to rape she said do not talk to me like that i said whoa okay wow so guess what when she did that that shut down everything because i'm like i didn't curse already as a as a adult i didn't use curse words but i would have raised my voice but if i can't raise my voice then i can't even incite stuff enough to want to get physical so when she shut down the little stuff don't come in here late you ain't getting in tried to come in late one night to her apartment she ain't let me in learn my lesson don't ever come in late you say you're going to be here at a certain time be healthy ain't going to be here that time you ain't getting in learned my lesson tried to get my love son first time we was in the bed together kicked me out the bed let me know this on her terms there ain't going to be no splaka daddy i'ma get what i want to get when i want to get it this on her terms still like that to to this day my wife got to be it's on her terms she's not a robot she ain't no slave yeah that's my wife yes she belonged to me i belong to her but she got a brain she's a human and that's how she lived that's how she carried herself and guess what i respected because that inspired me to change and to grow up as a man when i met a real woman who know her worth and is unwilling to compromise that and and it took a grown boy probably a couple grown boys before me in the love you know dating a little stuff the even make her even more you know stringent with her rules but whatever it was when she got to me she wasn't playing no games she went playing with me and she she once said oh cuz you you know muscular with a eight pack i'm finna let this slide oh because you this or that i'm finna let this slide no she shut it down so y'all have to shut this down early and see the mistake that you made right here is you got back together three times you never go back to a man three times if you leave a man that first time if you leave him that first time and look that's what you said right here what i just i ain't i forgot you even said that you said he would yell when angry never let a man yell at you did not keep his word man when i just told you if i tell my wife i'm gonna be here be back by midnight i had to be there if i come in later she let me in that only had to happen one time did not keep his word if i say i'ma call you at nine i got to call her at nine and he texted other women all them was red flags so guess what every time you stay you reinforce it you reinforce it and so any behavior that is recognized and rewarded slash reinforced will repeat itself so a lot of time people get confused and say oh that's that's uh victim blaming that's victim shame it's not about uh blaming the person that something happened to it's about you learning that your actions do send signals now that's not gonna that's not a one size fits all that's so it's not the same thing as when somebody try to say oh because you had on a short skirt that's why that happened no that's not the same thing what i'm saying is when you in a relationship you've chosen to be with somebody and you choose to go back and you choose to go back after he yells at you after he curse at you after he cheat on you or he emotionally cheat or physical cheat and then you choose to go back you know not one time not two times but three times what that is doing is reinforcing him it's telling him okay this is okay everything i've done is okay all i got to do is bed all i got to do is call her 10 times all i got to do is say sorry all i got to do is this so i got away with all that okay let me see how much else she gonna let me get away with because a man in this state he is looking for a human teddy bear that teddy bear well when when the when the the child get mad he throw that teddy bell up against the wall and then he realized that's the only thing he got to console him and then he go back and pick the teddy i'm sorry i'm sorry teddy let's go night night nah he he just ripped the leg off rip the eye throwed it up against the wall then he come back granny can you stitch teddy together i just i didn't mean to do it i just got upset and you know i just grabbed really hard and the leg came off and then grab my cheek all right i'm gonna stitch up don't do it again because i'm not going to do this every day okay i won't so now teddy bell stitched up got an eye halfway on leg the leg like this duck you know ted about going through all kind of stuff because this little boy this little girl taking out all day stress worry trauma on this hill about and then get it back to console because it's like oh this is the only thing i got in at night and that's how a a grown boy that's what he looking for the role of a woman he wanna tear you down and then lift you back up to tear you down again throw you on that wall break you up then let you heal put you back together to break you up again see a a grown boy who full of hate self-hate he's looking for a woman who is disposable expendable he's looking for a woman who does not know her worth and that's why i tell y'all about the online dating because see she met him online a man already assumes that about you when you get online because this how man thinking he thinking like this he thinking like listen it's a million men out here walking around so all she got to do is walk go to the grocery store it's me in the grocery store all she got to do is go to the gas station pump gas on her car it's me in the gas station if she ride the bus it's men on the bus if she go to the park and walk for 30 minutes it's men at the park this is what a man knows so when you get online as a woman that man he say she desperate because it's a million men walking around this way he's telling himself that might not be true for you you might be like it's no men out here it's no men approaching me it's no men available men don't know that that ain't how men think me a man don't give you the benefit of a doubt a man gonna say it's a million men walking around out here single and she getting online today she desperate he getting online to hunt he's not getting online today he's getting online to hunt and it's just a new type of hunting because he already been out in the woods bowing arrows hunting now it's a different type of hunt oh they got the hunting the way you just picked the picture and it get delivered to your house okay i'm gonna do that i ain't got to go sit out there in the cold with my boy arrow no but that's you that's what online dayton is for man he's on there hunting and then you on there he assumed you desperate that's why he tried you like a baseline okay he tried you like a a baser because he said you online dating you got to be desperate and then what he going to do he's going to look at you he's going to say okay she looked like this she looked like that she ain't got this she ain't got that he going to look at you and he's going to compare you to other women and then he's going to make an assumption oh because she not don't because she doesn't have this she must be insecure about that because she doesn't have this she must be insecure about that okay let me see okay i count one insecurity two insecurity three in security for insecurity five insecurity okay so i count five insecurities plus the fact that she that she do online dating so she so she super insecure and she desperate all right could do what i want to do shut up when i'm talking sit down and shut up you want a man i'ma show you a man and then he then here y'all go okay geez j okay you don't have to do that all right i'm sitting down have you yes you have i ain't got to ask you yes you have lost your mind listen don't ever in your life let a man talk to you like that don't ever in your life let a man even raise his voice at you man call you to be word that's the first and the last time you you lady laws out in the beginning lay him out in the beginning as soon as he say will you be my girlfriend that next day say listen there's a few things i want to let you know about because i know how humans are and let me tell you this we are adults so i expect us to communicate like adults and to treat one another like adults and i would treat you the way i want to be treated so pay very close attention to the way that i treat you do not ever raise your voice at me do not ever curse at me do not ever raise a hand at me or put on me do not ever text and flirt with another woman in any form of capacity do not ever cheat sleep with another woman in any form of any in any capacity you let him know the heart he gonna be like duh i know that duh i know that what you think i am listen i've seen stranger things happen i think you are a human not a god you're not a god you're a human humans make bad choices so i'm letting you know now so that if you do one of these things and you never hear or speak from me again you can't say that i did not tell you in the beginning what i will and won't tolerate because what what a lot of men play on i didn't know i didn't know that was wrong you got to understand i'm from the streets you got to understand i raised myself you got to understand i was on my own since the age of nine i didn't know that i couldn't yell at you i ain't think no one was wrong with that that's just communication i'm just passionate with my communication i yell at my homeboys i yell at my school teacher you see me yell at the video game that just me he'll use any kind of excuse to get away with what he just did you got to let him know not all play boy uh uh that ain't gonna happen you gotta let him know all play boy we ain't doing that we ain't doing that though you ain't doing all that yelling with me no get your life together play boy you got to let him know and when you let him know the way he do it now you got cause he listen this is nothing i want you to understand there's nothing i want you to understand is that a man knows he's an adult it's like look at yourself let me ask yourself let me ask you these questions do you think it's okay to yell at somebody okay do you think it's okay to cheat on somebody on text just text them just text cheat okay do you think it's okay to go sleep with somebody else when you're in a relationship okay do you think it's okay to tell somebody i'm gonna call you at nine and at nine o'clock you don't call okay do you think it's okay to slap somebody what about choke somebody what about punch somebody you in a relationship with they did nothing to you do you think it's okay okay see how you say all them answers is no if one of them answers yes you need help okay you need help right now right now getting my mental.life and going if you had a well if they do this well get on my mentor like right now right now stop the video get on my mentor.life pick the first coach you see her her if you say yes to one answers one of them questions now listen to me just how you know that he knows that so when you catch him emotionally cheating he know that's wrong and see the thing is is women think men don't y'all think man yeah we do dumb stuff we make dumb decisions but we're not dumb so women think oh i got to stay i got to work on him i got to change him i got to you know all this you make all these excuses for this grown man and that's how you end up the creep without a power that's how he he have you cornered to god be the glory so you was able to get out of there you got out of there the guard be the glory don't play with it though don't play with it because you'll lose your life you'll lose your life hey this is tony guys and god bless you i say i'm trying to do these 30 minutes when possible so i can get through moreover and i went 35 not too bad and i wasted a little bit of time you know on text messaging stuff so god bless y'all and uh we'll talk soon and you know what this video right here if you see this video around four o'clock uh you might see another one of these so just today just today i ain't saying this for any other day you might see another one of these at uh around six o'clock and then and i'll let you know in that next video if you'll see one for eight o'clock i might be able to get through three of these today god bless you we'll talk soon so be ready now set your alarm set your notifications and so if you hit that subscribe button you should see a little button beside like a bell you said that you check that bell it'll let it notify you when i go live when i post a video god bless you we'll talk song

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 31,039

Rating: 4.9506626 out of 5

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Id: gMa55EsMbBc

Length: 36min 13sec (2173 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 12 2021