George Carlin - Top 20 Moments (Part 1 of 4)

a problem with the Ten Commandments here's my problem why are there 10 you don't need 10 I think the list of Commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten it's a padded list here's what they did about five thousand years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people how to keep them in line they knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told so they announced that God had given them some Commandments up on the mountain when no one was around God had given them the Ten Commandments but let me ask you this when I was sitting around making this [ __ ] up why did they pick 10 why 10 why not 9 or 11 I'll tell you why cuz 10 sounds official 10 sounds important they knew 4 was 11 people wouldn't take it seriously so what are you kidding me the 11 commandments get the [ __ ] outta here but 1010 sounds important 10 is the basis for the decimal system it's a decade it's a psychologically satisfying number the top 10 the 10 most wanted the 10 best-dressed so having Ten Commandments was really a marketing decision me it's clearly a [ __ ] list it's a political document artificially inflated to sell better I'm going to show you how you could reduce the number of Commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical we're going to start with the first three and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was taught as a little boy I am THE LORD thy God thou shalt not have strange gods before me thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath right off the bat the first three pure [ __ ] Sabbath Sabbath day Lord's name strange gods spooky language spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people in no way the superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century you throw out the first three Commandments right you're down to seven next honor thy father and mother obedience respect for authority just another name for controlling people the truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic they should be earned they should be based on the parents performance parents some some parents deserve respect most of them don't period you're down to six now in the interest of logic something religion is very uncomfortable with we're going to jump around the list a little bit thou shalt not steal thou shalt not bear false witness stealing and lying well actually these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior dishonesty stealing and lying so you don't need two of them instead you combine them and you call it thou shalt not be dishonest and suddenly you're down to five and as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together thou shalt not commit adultery thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife once again these two prohibit the same kind of behavior in this case marital infidelity the difference is coveting takes place in the mind and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife otherwise what's a guy going to think about when he's waxing his carrot what marital fidelity is a good idea so we're going to keep the idea and call this one thou shalt not be unfaithful and subtly we're down to four but when you think about it honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value so in truth you could combine the two honesty Commandments with the two fidelity Commandments and give them simpler language positive languages that have negative and call the whole thing thou shalt always be honest and faithful and we're down to three thou shalt thou shalt they're going away they're going away fast thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Goods this one is just plain [ __ ] stupid coveting your neighbor's Goods is what keeps the economy going all right your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays oh come all ye faithful you want to get one too coveting creates jobs leave it alone you're throught coveting you're down to two now the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet thou shalt not kill murder the fifth commandment but when you think about it when you think about it religion has never really had a big problem with murder not really more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason all you have to do all you have to do is look at Northern Ireland the Middle East Kashmir the Inquisition the Crusades and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill the more devout they are the more they see murder as being negotiable it's negotiable it depends it depends it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed so with all this in mind I leave you with my revised list of the two commandments thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy Nicky and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone unless of course they prey to a different invisible man from the one you pray to to is all you need Moses could have carried him down the hill in his [ __ ] pocket and if they had a list like that I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall as long as they included one additional commandment thou shall keep thy religion to thyself but I want you to know I want you to know something this is sincere I want you to know when it comes to believing in God I really tried I really really tried I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things I really tried to believe that but I got to tell you the longer you live the more you look around the more you realize something is [ __ ] up something is wrong here war disease death destruction hunger filth poverty torture crime corruption and the Ice Capades something is definitely wrong this is not good work if this is the best God can do I am NOT impressed results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being this is the kind of [ __ ] you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude you and me in between you and me in any decently run universe this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago by the way I say this guy because I firmly believe looking at these results that if there is a God it has to be a man no woman could or would ever [ __ ] things up like this now here's another example of overprotection give a notice on the TV news every time some guy with an ak-47 strolls onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers the next day the next day the school is overrun with counselors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope [ __ ] when I was in school someone came to our school and killed three or four of us we went right on with our arithmetic 35 classmates minus 4 I'll tell you what they will do about homelessness first thing change the name of it change the name of the condition it's not homelessness it's house lessness it's houses these people need a home is an abstract idea a home is a setting it's a state of mind these people need houses physical tangible structures but where you going to put them where you gonna build them nobody wants you to build low-cost housing near their house people don't want it near we got something this country you've heard of its called NIM D ni MD why not in my backyard people don't want any kind of social help located anywhere near them you try to open up a halfway house try to open up a rehab center for drugs or alcohol try to build a little home for some [ __ ] people who want to work their way into the community people say not in my backyard people don't want anything Nero especially if it might help somebody else part of the great American spirit of generosity were always told about big generous American nation ask an Indian about that asking any and how generous this country is if you can find one you got to locate the Indian first we've made them just a little difficult to find or if you need current data select the black family at random and ask them how generous this country has been people don't want anything near them even if it's suddenly believe in something they think society needs like prisons everybody wants that right everybody wants more prisons that's new answered all of our problems like a lot of [ __ ] up everybody wants more prisoner shake Belmar present but not here why not what's wrong what's the problem what's wrong with having a prison in your neighborhood what seemed to me like it would make it a pretty crime free area don't you think you think a lot of crackheads and muggers and pimps and hookers are gonna hang around in front of a [ __ ] prison [ __ ] ain't coming anywhere near it what's wrong with these people all the criminals are locked up behind the walls have a couple of them do break out what I think you're gonna do hang around check real estate trends [ __ ] they're [ __ ] gone that's the whole idea breaking out of prison is to get the [ __ ] as far away as you possibly can I got just a place for low-cost housing I have solved this problem I know where we can build housing for the homeless golf courses perfect God horses just what we need plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless mindless activity engaged in primarily by white well-to-do male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves I am getting tired really tired I am getting tired of these golfing [ __ ] in their green pants and their yellow pants and their orange pants and their precious little hats and their cute little golf carts it is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over the homeless golf is an arrogant elitist game and it takes up entirely too much [ __ ] room in this country too much [ __ ] room in this country it is it is an arrogant game on its very design alone just the design of the game speaks of arrogance think of how big a golf course is the ball is that [ __ ] bag what do these pinheaded pricks need with all that land there are over 17,000 golf courses in America they average over 150 acres apiece that's over three million acres that's four thousand eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two Rhode Island's and a Delaware for the homeless on the land currently devoted to this meaningless mindless arrogant elitist races races there's another thing the only blacks you'll find in country clubs are carrying trays and a boring game for boring people Jenna watch golf on television it's like watching flies [ __ ] and a mindless game mindless think of the intellect Thank You the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity hitting a ball with a Crooked Stick and then walking after it and then hitting it again I say pick it up [ __ ] you're lucky found the [ __ ] day put in your pocket and go the [ __ ] home [ __ ] your winner

Channel: Pookie Junk

Views: 2,638,513

Keywords: George, Carlin, Top, 20, Best, of, Moments, Part, comedy, standup comedy, presenter, greatest, best, funny, humor, hits

Id: IVI-LqEDua0

Length: 12min 59sec (779 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 25 2010