george carlin on roosters, self help and motivation

yeah I just kind of go right into the next thing and at this moment we're on Barnes but you never notice up there they got that weather vane and usually it's a rooster or a [ __ ] it's the same animal really you know it's just a different name you know why they got a [ __ ] on the weathervane because if they had a [ __ ] the wind would blow right through it well a lot of people don't know that that's why I traveled around so much I'm here to entertain and inform reminds me of something my grandfather used to say to me you know he'd look at me and he'd say I'm going upstairs and [ __ ] your grandma he's just a really honest man you know he wasn't gonna [ __ ] a four-year-old starting with these people who read self-help books why do so many people need help life is not that complicated you get up you go to work eat three meals you take one good [ __ ] you go back to bed what's the [ __ ] mystery and the part I really don't understand if you're looking for self-help why would you read a book written by somebody else it's not self-help that's hell there's no such thing as self-help you did it yourself you didn't need help you did it yourself try to pay attention in the language we've all agreed on and is similar a similar mystery to me motivation books motivation seminars why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else I say if you lack motivation a seminar isn't going to help you what you really need is to be smashed in the head 30 or 40 times with a golf club that will [ __ ] motivate you or else at least get you up and moving around the room you know locate your socks [ __ ] like that get the day rolling motivation is [ __ ] if you ask me this country could use a little less motivation the people who are motivated are the ones who are causing all the trouble stock swindlers serial killers child molesters Christian conservatives these people are highly motivated and anyway I think motivation is overrated you show me some lazy prick who's lying around all day watching game shows and stroking his penis and I'll show you someone's not causing any [ __ ] trouble okay here's another pack of low-grade morons who ought to be locked into portable toilets and set on fire these people with bumper stickers that say we are the proud parents of an honor student for the Midvale Academy or whatever other innocent-sounding name has been assigned to the indoctrination center where their child has been sent to be stripped of his individuality and turned into an obedient soul dead conformist a member of the American consumer culture proud parents what kind of empty people need to validate themselves through the achievements of their children I'd like that to live with a couple of these misfits cause that science project coming along Justin [ __ ] you dad you simple-minded prick mind your own business and pass the Cheerios here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see we are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car or we are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters for change you know here's something realistic we have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet we have a son in public school hasn't shot any of his classmates yet but he does sell drugs to your honor student plus he knocked up your daughter then there were the people who aren't too proud of their children we are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nitwit who at the age of 10 not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus something like that on the back of the car might give the child a little more incentive you know get him to try a little harder next semester there are some more parents ought to be beaten with heavy clubs and left bleeding in the moonlight these are the ones who carry their babies around in these backpacks or front packs or slings or whatever these devices are called that are apparently designed to leave the parents hands-free to sort through high-end merchandise and reach for their platinum credit cards because it's always these upscale yuppie looking Greenpeace environmentally conscious [ __ ] who have mine I say hey mr. mrs. natural fibers it's not camping equipment it's a baby touch the little prick now and then he'll thank you for it someday these are the same people who sort their garbage jog with their dogs and listen to Steely Dan just like to take them out deep in the forest and disembowel them with a wooden cooking spoon there are some more people ought to be smashed across the face repeatedly with a piece of heavy mining equipment these grown men grown men who refer to their fathers as my daddy you know here a lot of this stupid [ __ ] in the south these rebel [ __ ] you know my daddy's not dead yeah my daddy well you know my daddy used to say my daddy used to say but I bloody that brother better buy that brother no matter but that guy oh he did did he well wasn't that [ __ ] enlightening my daddy used to say [ __ ] your daddy in his wrinkled rustic rural country [ __ ] grow up Billy Joel Carl Bob Danny Frank you're not six anymore more like nine here's another unfortunate pack of mutants who ought to be penciled in for a sudden visit from the Angel of Death these guys these guys who can't tell you about a phone call they had without giving you this [ __ ] the [ __ ] pinky and the thumb like they attended mine college studied under Marcel Marceau so I call up you know not talking to her and she [ __ ] hangs up on me so I hang up on her and she calls me back I [ __ ] hang up again I say hey Bruno thanks for the visual aid but we all understand the concept of the telephone you're holding your hand you talk into it excuse me for an hour incoming call oh hey it's for you

Channel: jesse taplin

Views: 1,574,150

Rating: 4.8657608 out of 5

Keywords: george, carlin, funny, jokes, Complaints, and, Grievances, 2001, standup, Humor, Comedy, Society, self help, motivation

Id: KTETZy18pwk

Length: 7min 54sec (474 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 06 2012