Game Grumps: Dan's Girl Stories

hey Dan hey have you ever have you ever been with a girl who was like that girl you know the girl who's like yeah I think that like during sex or I I have been with some girls who have said some crazy things YUM yeah I don't want to I don't want to like betray too much but like but here goes you know No well I won't I will say that I I struggle I struggle with girls who want to be hit oh yeah you know like and some girls do but yeah I may be God maybe I did say this on the show I was with a girl one time and we were making sweet love and as opposed to sour love no I don't really I don't believe in that that's a few let the love sit out for a next yeah yeah that love will curdle but she was like slap me in the face I was like I I don't want to just do you [ __ ] [ __ ] I gave her like the the worst like little tap on the cheek and she's like Oh fine I'll do it myself did you [ __ ] wailed on herself I was like wow well okay people like that kind of stuff it's like hey and there's no judgment it's you just can't personally do it I wouldn't say I can't if if I if I think if if I know that the girl really wants it and it will make her the happiest I could probably bring myself to do it but like it's certainly not my default setting mm-hmm you don't go in and immediately just go flailing away like Andy Kaufman when he does like the wheel the wheel punches yeah yeah generally after a girl and I kissed for the first time I like to just reel back and pick up Avaaz and throw it out the window just as an exclamation of the rage that's inside me did I ever tell you the story of why I think well one of my many stories of why I think black people [ __ ] awesome yeah why the the diner seen the girl I was in love with at the diner did I ever tell you this alright when I lived in Philadelphia there was a there was this place called the Silk City diner and there was a girl who worked there and I just had like a crazy crush on her but um just it was a place I went all the time and like all the other people at the diner knew me so it was like kind of tough to like hit on her you know and like I just I just wanted it to be perfect you know like I just I liked her so much that I I I just see her all the time and like I just couldn't ask her out for whatever reason and then this is many many years ago already and so I'm like thinking up every time I see her I'm like I'm gonna do it today and then I'm like no can't do it and I'm like imagining like 80s movie style scenarios where I can drop my book and she helps me pick it up and like hands touch in our eyes lock for a second yeah like that kind of thing and um and then like one day I was finally like you know what I'm gonna do it pretty soon you know this is getting closer closer and this black dude just like came in it was like yo you got a boyfriend she was like no it's like you want to go out just like yeah I was like that can [ __ ] happen you can just do that oh but I mean it culturally like that is apparently like a black thing to do like just [ __ ] have a pair of balls yeah and just do it to go have a pair yeah just go for it was like god dammit them they're black you more sauce oh yeah that is very admirable yeah so so now I just do it that like sheer confidence yeah yeah I I I will ask girls out now for you know with no warning just do it yo you got a boyfriend yeah oh no what step two yeah well I'm sure she'd said yes he would have been like uh [ __ ] let's go out anyway yeah so you don't have to know oh don't he don't he yeah like honestly like that's um yeah I mean you get rejected sometimes like cuz nobody there's nobody who's like everybody's type you know but like [ __ ] it like that getting rejected is the worst thing that can happen and very who gives a [ __ ] yes yeah seriously yeah you just press on plenty or reject it's like well not off the wait time yeah exactly like now I know what would have happened cuz like it's always and this is a cliche but it's true it's always the stuff that you don't do that you regret like oh yeah the stuff that you try and it doesn't work out like it stings in the moment but later you like [ __ ] it you know like I found out what would have happened so that's what what's gonna happen anyway yeah pretty much yeah I agree well life tips from the grumps yeah anything anything that makes for a good story is Oh totally and that's the other thing that like it's true like it's definitely the stuff it oh yes why you gotta film you gotta clear that whole goddamn yeah yeah this stuff the weird thing about like getting older is that like the stuff that makes you laugh in the moment can sometimes make you cry later like out of nostalgia and the stuff that makes you cry in the moment always makes you laugh cuz you're like I was so [ __ ] stupid Wow does that isn't that deep did I just blow your goddamn mind while you're cleaning paint off Serena Beach I was so deep I drowned in it room yeah yeah yeah let's do a little thought experiment I'd love that what is the difference between a pleasure moan and a pain moan like sound-wise umm like if I went like what is that to you what does that sound like it's very hard to know because like everyone has like their own you know their own sexy faces and their own sexy sounds you know I've been with girls who like at their most pleasured moment look like they're in horrible pain are you okay like don't stop oh sorry I thought you were really having a terrible time how am I to know yeah no I was what I was I was with a girl one time and she just [ __ ] unloaded on me just like like reeled back and crack me across the face I was like [ __ ] how and she was like take it take it I'm like what am I good of course I'm an that girl was crazy that's cool it was fun from that before you Thanks what was her full name Reginald P tinkle bottle this is gonna shock you I did not have a girlfriend when I was a kid I actually my first date was when I was 13 I went oh my god I went on a date with this girl named Jody and we went rollerskating showed he is such a first date isn't it isn't it Oh Jody shitty I first of all let me clear something up because I'm gonna catch flack if I say it accidentally I grew up in New Jersey when I said I grew up in New York during the Mike Tyson thing I meant I grew up in the New York area and I just like didn't complete the thought but I grew up in Jersey like right near New York New York City and so in Jersey there's not many things to do so in Jersey there weren't many things to do like as far as just like how inhuman barely anything to do oh then hop on blocks go ahead with your story Jody and I went on a date with her when we were 13 and so we went rollerskating together and here's a fun fact about going on dates that I didn't know when you go on a date with a girl you should spend time with the girl but I didn't know that so our date was pretty much like the roller skating rink that we went to had like video games on the side so it was me playing the arcade game of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - while Jody roller skated by herself in semi circles around the oh god that is sad it's super sad but I will say that the cool thing about going on dates when you're 13 is that the girls don't know what a good date is either so after that like we hugged at the end you know and I got a note from her the next day in math class with like little hearts for all the eyes saying like like I'm so glad we went on that date it was yeah all she knows is that she knows she went on a date yeah yeah that was the best date I ever went on it was super-fun and then we went never went on another date and she gave my friend a hand job I'm just finishing finishing the arc of my history with this girl and then we all went to Wildwood which is where you go for like spring break in New Jersey and yes you gave my best friend a hand job good times just young love yeah young love just so many special memories of betrayal good good I'm glad you shared your story yeah you know that was actually the first like compliment I got from like a random girl what that you've got a black girl booty no that somebody was like I was just it was a girl at [ __ ] name a girl at a hot dog on a stick and she was cute uh-huh and I got ones a long time ago okay I got one and I was walking away and she was like you got a nice butt and I was like really thank you neat this is awesome I love it I've never gotten compliments from girls like that before that [ __ ] really does stick with you yeah a girl of african-american descent once in Philadelphia she was like really forward she was like you're beautiful do you have a girlfriend I was like oh and I did at the time and I was just like I want to say no but I was like yeah I do but thank you and I never forgot and then the girlfriend and I broke up like a week later and I was like why because I've still never gotten to be with the black girl and I've been told the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice Oh what yeah I've heard once you go black you never go back I know that's true because I'm you know I'm of a different descent and it's once you go Jewish there's a 40 to 45 percent chance that you never go back but that's actually being pretty generous once you go Jewish you enjoy anyway hang out with my girl back home Prady she make me macaroni and cheese bro I'm gonna go back she's gonna make me a sandwich and I'm gonna be like that's a great launch girl and we're gonna have like a day [ __ ] and then I'm gonna leave Oh a day [ __ ] yeah those are nice yeah we're just kind of like oh I didn't expect this all right yeah well this is happening and then you just kind of like yeah it's or in the afternoon and my penis is inside yeah she said could you stop talking this is great are you kidding me neato I remember the first time I ever like played hooky from school you got laid no no what I know I didn't get laid until after college I was I was 23 but I do I I did get that sweet blowy and I just remember like I remember getting a [ __ ] in like junior of high school or whatever and like because my girlfriend at the time was sick and I was like oh I'll play hooky and and skip school and go bring her like soup or something she was like oh so I was I was receiving fellatio from her and looking at the clock and seeing that it was like 1:30 in the afternoon and thinking like wow my friends are in class right oh I was very checked out towards the end of high school would you eat that [ __ ] medal please you got your friendship bracelets who's that from you told me you'd tell me every woman you talked to Oh God oh you're so lucky Susie's not the jealous type oh yeah totally I I had one girlfriend who like would just flip her mind apart when like I I remember like one time I just went over to coffee at Starbucks and the girl behind the counter is like do you like she's just asking me the normal questions like cream or sugar or whatever like and I'm just talking about like that and I come back and my girlfriend is just like did you like her don't you I saw that I said I'm like what what that's like immediately grounds for I was maybe we should take a break yeah if I take a break do you mean forever yes I do and break it off yeah really yeah maybe we should break me off a piece of that you never forget the first kiss the woman you never forget the first piece in your panties oh [ __ ] how old are you when you got your first kiss if you don't know I don't even remember what my first kiss was really yeah I was 17 I think it was a girl I would assume it was why would you assume that I don't know because that's what you're into yeah I know you like DAGs you kiss you bag your both ways fair enough I wants to kiss me [ __ ] I'll give you [ __ ] I I just remember all I remember about my first kiss is like I was out with two girls who were friends and one like they just clearly like planned it out and like one like we were all on the porch and the other one was like well I'll see you guys later and she just bolted like super fast or like I'm gonna start the car or something like that I was like okay that's weird I was like well good night and she kissed me and I just remember like my heart like exploding out of my chest I was like huh cool oh that's cute yeah I think I think we kissed a second time cuz I was like can we do that again floored it's probably how I was - yeah I was just kind of like well it's a big deal at the time yeah well cuz like movies make it seem like it's this big [ __ ] thing right it's not man I [ __ ] kiss my wife every [ __ ] day right and feel nothing because hey I was gonna say because I love her okay but yeah sure your thing - I guess this is a good time for a story mm-hmm this is a classic tale so as we've said before mm-hmm it's very ironic that I play a character who's like the world's [ __ ] sexiest lover and like all about the ladies which is also true I mean like in real life like didn't didn't we make that statement like the line between actual me and Danny sex bangers [ __ ] getting prettier by the day it is yeah so but I got off to a slow start I was a bit of a late bloomer and so yeah I was a virgin until I was 23 because I was in love with one girl and it didn't get yeah get the [ __ ] out of town I was waiting take a goddamn train out of town I was gonna I was I was waiting for this one girl who I was super in love with and it didn't end up happening so she got married when I was like 21 maybe mm-hmm and uh and so I like had one year of just like super depression I was like oh listen to Radiohead all the time draw the shades closed but then I had another year where I just been a virgin and I felt ready to I was just like get this thing out of me you know like I'm ready like a foot like alien yeah exactly exactly so my friend I don't know if I should use the real names let's say my friend Brendan was dating a girl this is when I was living in North Jersey and he was dating a girl who worked at a strip club just outside of Philadelphia so about two hours away mm-hmm and I he he doesn't have a license so it was at a time in my life when I was a heavy pot smoker and he was like how about this I will buy weed if you will drive me down to see my girlfriend at the strip club did I mention she was a stripper yes okay yes you did yes so we would do this we would I would I would roll roll at the joint or something and we would take these like stony rides down to down to the strip club in South Jersey right outside of Philly and you know we just hang out and talk and then when we got there he would god they're so disturbing when they're huge like won't be huge for long some yeah he would go and spend time with her in the champagne room where the romance happens uh-huh and I would just like hang out at the bar and drink cokes and watch TV or whatever and no you're gonna coke dude no they were two weed delicious cokes delicious coca cola's yeah I'm not a I'm not a hard drug guy and so I would just hang out there for like hours and like watch TV or whatever and like talk to the dancers cuz like they would come around and they'd be like do you want a lap dance and I was like oh no thanks and you know like after doing that for like three weeks they were like why are you here and then like we just started talking I'm like we became friends and it was kind of [ __ ] up actually cuz they were like you're so nice and respectful like you never try to grab us or anything I was like I think you need to create a higher floor standard of what you consider respectful but like so one of them was named Gemini possibly not her real name and I think you you need to rethink your standards on put people's names yeah you're possibly right because that's that's offensive that's just that's just down after the friebert debacle yeah [ __ ] that man I agree I agree so she so we she became my best friend there and we talked for a while and then just one day she was like do you want to go in the back room and have sex and I was like that can happen and I had like you know I was high at the time and like I just really had like this moment of like oh my god well you were high your first time no no I didn't do it I didn't do it oh I was high when I was debating whether or not to do it and I just could yeah that's funny cuz I could have had in you like somebody being like you should know what are you high yeah yes yes actually as a matter of fact I was extremely well no I mean she was she was really nice and she was pretty but like I couldn't listen when you wait that long to have sex you're like [ __ ] it at this point it really might as well be with someone special you know okay and she was special she she was my friend yeah but she said you were sweet and kind well my fear was realized because I told her no thank you like I just wanted to get to know her better and she was like whatever you know she just didn't care and then I went back the next week when I go Brendan sorry Barry made that Brendan right drove Brendan there and and was it saying oh yeah so I I was like where's Gemini and the bartender was like oh she's not working here anymore and I was like really that's kind of abrupt and they're like yeah she was arrested for prostitution oh I was like okay so and that was my other secret fear like I didn't know she was a prostitute but like you never want to run the risk of your first time like you finish and like you're just lying there and you're like it was so awesome and then the girl like rolls over she's like that'll be $500 please we don't want to run the risk of your first time also being your last time yeah a solid point because your your wiener itches too much right again anywhere else is this a there's a lot of there's a lot of dick safety precaution it's better young man must take out of respect for his future partners mm-hmm so I waited and my first time ended up being with a good friend of mine and she was awesome and that was awesome and I'm glad and and then and so that's my that's my tail and yeah Gemini turned out not to be her real name it was Antoinette Wow you wouldn't think yeah go figure you wouldn't think that was my Gemini story I hope you enjoyed it I didn't know thank you for sharing that's a very personal story I know I've talked about this I'm grumps before but I asked Oh nicely done I asked a girlfriend one time like what she thought the hottest and the least hot words for male and female genitalia are and she she felt that [ __ ] and [ __ ] were the two sexiest yeah and I offered that the least sexy are probably tubesteak and snatch snatch yo-yo girl just snatch ready for my [ __ ] awesome rocking tubesteak next time on game grumps try to try to cool down try to use these pigs 24 hours to to cool yourself down for the shower yeah you're probably too [ __ ] worked up and hot from listening to them let's talk about that tube snake tube steak Aaron please don't [ __ ] don't crispa fie the sanctity of tube steak steak in shape did I ever tell you I got invited to an orgy one time did I not tell you this either is this a game grumps appropriate story I guess I guess it is I didn't do it alright so the story is I had I had two friends and they were a lesbian couple let's let's call them Michelle and Janine to protect the innocent okay and they were actually called blue shell and Michelle I mean yeah you found you've cracked the code but they were they were my good friends and they were just beautiful and they were a couple and of course when you're a guy and you have a couple of like lesbian girlfriends even though you know they're not into dudes at all you're always secretly hoping like maybe I hope you think I would be invited into the threesome like the threesome that they're not having and never will yeah of course but so oh man what a beautiful cloudy background to tell this orgy story - yup so one day I was just hanging out at their place and the three of us are on the couch together and we're just playing video games or whatever and [ __ ] and Janine puts her hand on my leg out of nowhere and she's like dan we have a problem I was like so what inside your head there's like fireworks and [ __ ] go yeah yeah outside I was like oh do tell but on the inside I'm like so what it turned out to be was they were swingers and they were part of this like underground orgy club of like these people in New York they would get together and so I got invited into a 25-person orgy where the breakdown was six dudes and 19 girls whoa yeah yeah so I don't we do to do some quick math that's something like 3.2 girls for every dude and that's like that's a lot of pressure yeah pressure you got it you got a really [ __ ] you got a cross-trained for [ __ ] like that so I didn't end up doing it for a couple of reasons one because like because of because of that and also because I couldn't help I don't want gonna hurt Pacifica's you know and like I can't assume that [ __ ] everyone else at that orgy is having their first orgy you know like it's got it's gotta be like if you if you like combined everyone's sexual history together there have to be like 1,000 boning cases in that one room just gross but the funny part was that I wanted to bring up was they made me like fill out like a form card like that like a parrot you had to write a paragraph like you're I did submit a headshot so you were attractive enough to do it and then like I know it's really a fish like standards I know and then um you had to fill out like a like a little card saying why you wanted to be in the origin you know this is really hard for me so oh gosh yeah it's like that it's like you know the comedian Hannibal Buress mm-hmm he's a really great comedian but he has a joke where he talks about like like you keep applied to work at Starbucks and and like one of the things he had to fill out to work at Starbucks was that why do you want to work at Starbucks and so he wrote out because [ __ ] isn't working out the way I thought it would kidney stones are like a grain of sand basically it's and then women got a [ __ ] crank out a whole baby whole fat baby yeah bad kappa damn my really tiny I know they have a goop chute instead of a pork sword I know oops I took sex ed class dude yeah killing me with the goop shoot the stage is so huge like every jump that you take is a leap of faith I had a girlfriend say that to me what she was like I'm opening up the goop chute to make room for the pork sword and I was like I like you you get me

Channel: Grump Clips

Views: 2,290,650

Rating: 4.9189882 out of 5

Keywords: game grumps dark souls, game grumps super mario sunshine, game grumps super mario, game grumps mario, game grumps super mario galaxy, game grumps mario galaxy, game grumps mario sunshine, game grumps sunshine, game grumps sonic, game grumps sonic the hedgehog, game grumps sonic adventure, game grumps sonic adventure dx, game grumps dan, game grumps dan stories, game grumps Dan's Girl Stories, game grumps paper mario, game grumps girls, game grumps dan's girl, game grumps

Id: 6UwLtxlLKRU

Length: 30min 17sec (1817 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 05 2018