Everything Wrong With San Andreas In Earthquake Minutes

[Music] 45 seconds of goddamn fouring logos this may qualify as the laziest character intro I've ever seen oh hey I'm driving along a cliff ass Road and just saw an oncoming truck but Taylor Swift's casual Sexy Cool vibe tells me this is the perfect time to turn my back to the road and build something out of lincol logs in my back seat a she's on her phone this isn't a movie it's a distracted driving PSA just like Hollywood of course this girl wrecks due to natural phenomenon and not her completely deathwork unsafe driving I seriously doubt a driver this Reckless would be wearing a seat belt in the first place yep she's still alive and that's some [ __ ] and after all that she's able to move around pretty normally with no sign of anything being broken or severe head trauma she was thrown to the back of the car and I'm pretty sure I saw her whack her head on the steering wheel All Things Considered this situation worked out pretty well for her with all that spinning around she still landed right next to her cell phone so she could call for help the filmmakers have found another way to avoid clever character introductions by just simply having someone interview them so what's the biggest difference between rescuing over there and what you do here not getting shot at what the lady he's cute go for it but the information he conveyed actually suggests intelligence not idiocy are you even listening or you just making Doodles Natalie was also able to climb up the car from the trunk without it moving or coming loose I'm not feeling very well coincidental and mass shifts we're coming to get you okay okay why even call her at all helicopter rescues predate cell phone technology by decades did she really need a conversation to verify that the fire department helicopter hovering above her was there to save her you're probably expecting me to send this absolutely ridiculous helicopter maneuver that seems to define the laws of physics and I will but even if it was possible as soon as the helicopter got close enough to the cliff to start weed whacking the foliage it would surely lose balance and carine into this crass with the SUV containing the indestructible teenage girl right just how in the everloving did this car manage to fall to this point and then stop we got 5 minutes max but why also if the engines going to fail in 5 minutes how are they going to get back when they crash hopefully the lafd will send a more responsible Rescue Team to bail them out good thing all e three and look at Super confident Joby over here just 3 seconds ago he was perplexed about not being able to use the basket now I'm afraid he might decide not to use the rope because he thinks he's that awesome no no no Natalie do not move oh so now it's super critical that Natalie doesn't move when she moved from the trunk to the back seat the car didn't budge but now that she's leaned forward we almost lose the car the cameraman is allowed to move freely around the copter potentially interfering with this delicate rescue Machine Car secured are they securing the car with a cable that is attached to the helicopter if it were to fall it would most likely pull the helicopter down with it JY who is supposedly a skilled member of search and rescue and who previously warn Natalie of the dangers of making slight movements in this delicate situation decides to swing and tug at this cable that is Loosely attached to the back of the car no wonder it slid down and crushed his arm strange happens to make the already precarious Chopper positioning even more PR are we really only 8 minutes into this thing oh no the gas prod meter is almost up to 8° C time 100 I would be concerned if I had any idea what that meant hey don't you worry I'm going to get you out of if I were Natalie I would not trust this statement since the first guy tried to secure the vehicle with a small cable and ended up getting stuck I'm starting to think that job is about to 127 Hours his arm off for a car that was able to generally withstand the beating it took to get into the predicament we are currently in it seemed pretty easy for him to just rip that door off movie doesn't have Cliffhangers balls and ends opening scene without a tragic death Chumps he must always almost get crushed by things every day for him to laugh and shake his head like these are just normal Shenanigans also you've got three people dangling from a helicopter over a Gorge one of them isn't strapped in and one has a busted arm maybe wait until Landing to celebrate what do we say we get you home now too bad you can't because I heard that the engine was going to fail around now instead of dealing with the whole getting back with the broken helicopter that is flying in a crass that it can't get out of situation they're just going to smash cut to Caltech and talk about earthquakes so many scholarships were paid by this scene's Apple product placement ah they dragged poor Paul Giamatti into this didn't they Anchorage Alaska 1964 a 9.1 that's very close Professor but it was a 9.2 but it's okay it's not like something like that could be easily Googled and spawned a tsunami 82 ft high that leveled Hilo Hawaii I don't mean to nitpick actually I do it's the whole point but that tsunami was only 35 ft High the internet is a beautiful place I'd say it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when said the earthquake Professor just days or even hours before huge earthquake proves him right volleyball team has their first game this weekend there isn't a scene where Blake plays volleyball in the movie dude I can't believe she's in college already you can't believe it she looks like she's almost 30 maybe she's been held back for 10 years and he means he can't believe she finally made it to College let's go check it out and now for a message from our sponsor Alexander didario may have been genetically engineered by scientists to be in movies just like this one I'm sure I could figure out a way to fit it in no one on set said that's what she said causing the director to change Ray's line just in case you weren't able to glean that Ray and his wife AKA Blake mother are no longer together here are some divorce papers also are divorce papers usually served with big red all caps letters seems like this law office is run by a vengeful high school English teacher snooping in your daughter's dream box the pulse rates are spiking again they're huge they were able to prove their magnetic pulse rate Theory literally seconds before huge earthquake that will then trigger the worst earthquake outbreak in the history of mankind talk about bad timing or bad writing a 7.1 magnitude Quake is nothing to sneeze at but I don't think it would destroy the Hoover Dam which is essentially a 6.6 million ton wedge of solid concrete unless there are Decepticons living under it and I haven't been able to completely rule that out where are this girl's parents this guy falls like this but somehow had enough force and momentum to utterly impale his goddamn foot on a piece of rebar good catch seemingly out of shaped Professor it also worked out that you were right at the edge of the crumble free zone shouldn't have worn a red shirt to work this woman is a dick and she didn't even say thank you he'll give me an opportunity to catch a volleyball game a grown man going to a girl's volleyball game by himself never looks okay objects in Mirror may be more divorced than they appear fairly sophisticated rescue operation underway based on the first operation we from these guys I think failly sophisticated may be overselling it that I respect what you and your dad have but I'm never going to try to change what you have with him a classic I'm not going to replace your dad now that I'm living with your mom cliche it's stepdad 101 really Alexandra Diario isn't my stepdaughter in this scene wait that got weird but also better am I right damn un impressed movie about to set a lot of its action in San Francisco gives me 20 damn minutes of sweeping establishing shots and doesn't want show the Golden Gate Bridge of course the S I'm removing for that will almost certainly be added back 10-fold later when the movie caves and shows us the earthquake destroying the Golden Gate Bridge but whatever sin remove for restraint for now Trump look how extra sad you should be about his death via this expositional Photograph people need to know that we can predict these things now no we cannot why are they acting surprised that there's an interview going on they're the ones that let the reporter in the office with the biggest jumps coming from San Francisco this guy is bouncing between Russian and Scottish more than 20 points higher than what we saw in Nevada no no no no there not why how is there no way the San Andre's fault is a very large and well-known fault line the one in Nevada wasn't big enough for them to already know about it and Lawrence is the same guy in the classroom that was all we're 100 years overdue and it's not a matter of if but when I don't think Lawrence knows where San Francisco is he just dropped a Sharpie 40 m south of San Jose who should we call everybody I think I might have finally figured out what's wrong with modern screenwriting it's written for moments instead of story or logic or lines that make sense coffee spill meat cute cliche you know you're quite beautiful do you mind if I get your phone number for it Ollie olly when did this turn into a Nick Hornby film where are you from in uh no care to be a little more specific the CGI work on this rooftop pool party is straight out of the Sims we generally don't like to make fun of people for their appearance but godamn dude change your [ __ ] shirt already or should I send the director for doing too many takes in the hot sun your brother one drowned in an accident it's good that Daniel's sister is an [ __ ] so we didn't have to get into too deep with the gain's family history to find out what happened to that other girl in those Photoshop pictures that Ray was looking at in Blake's room get to the roof honey this is just the first of many times Ry will completely ignore his civic duty to save his family members and Friends isn't he supposed to be headed to Nevada would to be frowned upon if a trained rescue pilot would abandon his family and essentially steal an LA rescue helicopter to go Rogue and rescue his ex-wife thankfully laptops electricity and Wi-Fi all keep working during this record huge Earthquake movie rips off the outr running earthquake thing from 2012 which if you're going to rip off a movie is definitely the one you aim for also it's pretty amazing that no other cars were trying to get out of this very busy building except them when the earthquake started and even though the floor of the parking garage gets knocked out it creates this convenient ramp so their limo doesn't get completely destroyed as it switches floors there a girl trapped town oh come the on as if this meat cute romance wasn't already trying enough would be stepdad who granted is recovering from nearly dying pieces out completely and leaves his girlfriend's kid to die which would happen if only discount younger hug Grant here weren't conveniently around to witness it all and figure it all out like he should really be trying to Usher his young brother out of the collapsing building this is the exact same attitude that gets little girls abandoned on top of dams it seems like it's taking the Hollywood Sign longer to come down than the Hoover damned ITP movie quite casually kills tens of thousands of people but thankfully not The Rock's ex-wife everybody then there's a rescue helicopter coming how many people does she think the rescue chopper is going to hold also that building is coming down fast I wouldn't listen to the crazy lady that thinks we should all go to the roof either she should be dead two or five times now if not for the exm and a fairy no Burns sure okay look at the heels CLA deing can hold a candle to Emma gains it's weird how Emma climbs on another rock formation that looks identical to the one she climbed over 15 seconds earlier is this the helicopter equivalent of the urban legend about a guy who switches on the cruise control in his van and then climbs back to take a app well this building's definitely collapsing entirely just as soon as she gets onto the chopper in a moment where Emma fears for her life she decided to stop running toward the helicopter of safety and watch a building collapse the helicopter and Ray's Vision seem to still be operating normally even though they are both engulfed in a cloud of debris Ray seems surprised that Emma is there even though the basket was over 100 lb heavier than normal do you think City Bank and Bank of America funded the movie with the stipulation that their buildings not collapse seriously half the LA population dies in this movie and we're going to be happy at the end just because some hot girl from bcy Jackson is still alive help I almost forgot about this [ __ ] during all that other [ __ ] all this time and she still hasn't thought to reach forward with her left hand and try sliding or tilting the driver's seat forward with the controls that are commonly found within Arms Reach of her current position her cell service just went out it's a small miracle that she was able to get cell service in a parking garage below a half crumbled building in the first place we're going to get our daughter Los Angeles the city whose citizens that are currently dying pay my salary now we've learned from The Fast and Furious franchise and we know family comes first oh there's a beam on her legs now wonderful glad I had no idea about that until now to the point that was sinning the seat recliner [ __ ] visual cues yo give them I hope he put excellent problem solving skills and quick thinker in stressful situations on his job application have to get away from these buildings too bad you're in the business district of San Francisco the only way you could get away from the buildings is by jumping in the bay you need to see this you better come take a look at this cliche well get your laptop let's go because the Wi-Fi is definitely still working all over the everywhere hell yeah man I'm in am I supposed to believe that brph McGee over here is going to hack into a local media Outlet after a major earthquake I guess so I know times are tough but this is still looting dad I got out I'm okay if all the cell towers between San Francisco and La got knocked out what are the chances that a landline phone would still work the Earth just opened up a 50ft gap between two cities pretty sure none of the phone lines would work either movie thinks we still need to evidence this guy's a dick hey did you know that Blake keeps pictures from our San Francisco trip yeah in her memory box the parents that Snoop together ultimately stay together I feel like an experienced helicopter pilot would have been able to anticipate this he was just flying through a large amount of debris and got hit by a giant piece of building even I a two-time Radio Shack remote control helicopter pilot knew to keep an eye out for that I'm going to have to auto rotate down Auto what I'm going to crash even though auto rotation is an actual thing it isn't nearly this tramatic what he's doing doesn't really look like Auto rotating either it looks more like normal crashing good thing they didn't crash land into a sex shop otherwise changing out of their fuel covered clothes would take an unexpectedly sexy turn like it's stolen all right well let's steal it again two wrongs make a right I've been needing that truck if I saw the rock trying to take my truck I'd let him have it even if I had a gun because he could probably do that cell towers are down most of the city's electricity down but phone lines are miraculously still working and this ragtag group of Caltech media hackers are able to take over a local news channel even though it's happening here in California you will feel it on the East coast is that even seismologically possible I'm being serious while still sinning it until I'm told otherwise Also earlier they were only able to predict the 7.1 earthquake that took down the Hoover Dam seconds before it occurred but now Lawrence is using that same prediction model to predict the 9.5 magnitude earthquake hour hours before it occur did he get that much better at predicting earthquakes in the amount of time between the two Quakes Ry a search and rescue expert seems to think it's okay to walk to the edge of a presumably Vol little Kass well they're definitely not going to jump from one side to the other or anything thank God he didn't wear his John Deere hat that day everything okay just thinking about all those dying Los Angeles citizens I abandoned with city property to come save your ass I really made a moral mistep I'm so sorry for how things ended with us s why you're clearly going to be back together by the end Liar Liar style so if you couldn't save our daughter then nobody could have all respect to helicopter rescue Pilots but maybe a lifeguard thankfully this La fire and rescue chopper pilot also knows how to fly planes I'm guessing if they encounter any hot air balloons or B2 bombers he'll be equally as Adept do you mind if I ask why you wear two of the same necklaces do you mind if I ask why you're paying so much attention to AO my kidding I know why you're looking there we are now leaving plausible things she would know cuz her dad does search and rescue and entering why on Earth would she have known that territory also why is that cop in the background letting her loot from the firet truck that would be Noob Hill it's the highest point in the city not even close to troop there are several other Hills in San Francisco that are higher in the immortal words of the gas station attendant from Tommy Boy get yourself a new map also there is no way a British child wouldn't collapse into a fit of Giggles after saying Knob Hill it's the cultural equivalent of an American kid saying dick Mountain it's been a while since I got you to second base I hope we given everyone enough warning he seriously just said that right before this for real it's going to be okay I promise unable earthquake promises die humans die this movie should have been called it's so godamn Dam lucky any of our main characters survive this biblical movie thinks if it destroys the Bay Bridge and not the Golden Gate then I'll go easy on it but movie is wrong this is the same thing and movie knows it she's going to be okay unknowable things but how do we get through that Apes lots and lots of Apes wait she pulls this piece of glass out as slow Asing possible she's evil you think you can put some weight on it miraculously he can put weight on it whatever steroid protein smoothie the characters in this movie are drinking I want some I see it I would hope so why is he not going full speed already the tsunami is about to Crest and they're just moving toward it with not full speed until now this scene involves several boats racing to climb over a tsunami wave before it crests they are basically bone dry come on oh hello Daniel I forgot that you existed because you stopped adding anything to the story after you left Blake it's too bad that Emma won't know that you just got smashed by a shipping container or maybe it would make her even angrier because she didn't get toing kill you yep there's that sweet sweet Golden Gate destruction we as movieo public so desperately crave why are all these people standing around right here when the tsunami was visible at this point anyone who's still on the beach deserves to die considering this and the heart necklace floating through the water earlier is James Cameron licensing cliches from his other films for some extra cash if you actually sit down and watch this movie you may notice more times like this one where they surely should have died but didn't I'm just getting tired of pointing them out so here are 10 cents are youing kiding me there's no way that Ray could navigate through all that crap without having something get in the boat's engine I can't even dream up a fake reason to make it plausible how many humans are there running over right now though Jesus Christ look at that damage you know whose point of view I'd like to see in a disaster movie an insurance claims adjuster she's smart girl she'd not ahead for one of these highrises what the high-rises that are almost all collapsed except for like three of them tell me again why a smart girl would go to the top of a highrise during a massive earthquake I'm listening I want to hear that reasoning pay no attention to my wet shirt or my super cleavage we've got to tend to your leg movie thinks this kiss is in any way earned I'll look for some water in this way unfinished floor of a skyscraper under construction should be no problem BRB Roland Deber watched this movie and in this order Got a Boner jerked off and filed the copyright lawsuit this [ __ ] is ignoring the rescue needing citizens of multiple cities in pursuit of rescuing his own daughter and he should be fired Court Marshal fired a second time and publicly flogged no one thinks to break a window Blake seems to be selectively resourceful the laser pointer still works after being underwater every laser pointer I've ever own just stopped working after a day for no reason I'm bringing her back I promise unke keepable oh what the do I care my favorite thing about this movie is how little it relies on cheap sex appe what was I saying is Ray really going to be defeated by a folding table in some office chairs jamming a doorway earlier the man pulled an actual door off an actual car I'm getting real tired of everyone ignoring the giant gash in Ben's leg Ray was for some reason unable to do this 3 minutes ago instead of backing out the boat through the whole imag just made they decide to drive all the way through the now collapsing building and tear through the other side of the building like parchment paper [Music] skip I didn't try hard enough before cliche a key CPR tip the length of time someone's brain has been deprived of oxygen is completely irrelevant as long as you perform chest compressions with stubborn conviction and say things like I'm not going to lose you too so he gets the Redemption of saving a daughter from drowning and all that had to happen was millions of people die two major cities are destroyed and the map of the world is literally changed but his daughter didn't drown so that's nice thanks to local experts who were able to give ample warning of the massive Quake the news in their version of America is painfully optimistic they aren't looking at this in terms of LA and San Francisco being mostly full of dead people this movie hits most of the key cliches lead character wanted to get back together with his ex his child is in Peril meet cute fall in love during crisis so on and so forth but the one thing we're missing here is a rescued pet Oh look The Wrong the Golden Gate Bridge a brilliant sunset this couldn't be more the American version of a Harry Potter ending if it tried I found this on the boat that necklace stayed around her neck through the entire film but falls off of her while she's sitting on the boat did he find it floating in a giant container of water in the boat I hope so because if not there's nothing to explain why it was floating around in Water by itself during the title sequence of the movie I'm on the high on the high oh my God oh my God oh my God oh Jesus right oh God Jesus Christ oh my God oh God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God it's Blake oh my God Blake oh my God oh my God [Music] [Music] who should we call everybody [Music] everyone break this information down succinctly the Klingon Empire has roughly 50 years of life left to [Music] it the enre you did good uh-uh Superman does good you doing well which is why when I get out I'm going to put a herd on him so bad he's going to wish his mother had kept her legs closed

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 8,576,225

Keywords: everything wrong with, the rock, cinemasins, everything wrong with san andreas, movie review, wave jockey job, eww, san andreas, cinema sins

Id: BXCCFh--NAE

Length: 18min 48sec (1128 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 19 2016