Everything Wrong With Geostorm In 20 Minutes Or Less

50 fucking seconds of celestially themed logos everyone was warned but no one listens so we will keep making whether disaster films until you listen congress also narration and also also blatant exposition ok movie are you just gonna write this for us well there later be some asshole graduating from the Prometheus school running away from things while eating an apple and not getting a lap dance a rise in temperature ocean patterns changed and ice caps melted leading to what I can only assume is an inconvenient geo storm floods and droughts sounds like we just need to take the floods where there are droughts and routes where there are floods then they'll cancel each other out you're welcome planet rip East whoever swallowed lower Manhattan but we could only provide this found footage style reenactment because Dean Devlin's got to spend the majority of his Geo storm budget on the Geo storm and Gerard Butler's half beard oil I Hate Waste you're 2 million people in Madrid in just one day wait did 2 million people not know how hot it was outside or did this heatwave arrived suddenly out of nowhere like a shark attack the world came together as one and had no idea that geo storm was part of the bill and ted's expanded universe here was God gave rock'n'roll to you broadcast to the universe I always got the timelines confused it gave the satellite net attacked in clinic but we all came to call it Dutch boy after the story of the child who floods a dam with his finger someone pitch Sean Connery's character sir August a winter from the 1998 Avengers movie but it was discovered in 2019 that that movie was even more obscure than the Hans Brinker novels so Dutch boy 1 also this is apparently a sophisticated yada-yada net that does blah blah blah the pearls the weather with a dumpling series of thingamabobs so how is that equivalent to sticking your finger in a dike it was built by a team led by one man and that man's name was geo storm tornado zap blizzard zap you know what would have made a way more awesome movie the sky creating Dutch boy in showing us his invention zapping tornados and blizzards but sure let's make this about when Dutch boys go wrong and may the record reflect that he was nearly one hour late and why does it matter nobody knows no one will ever speak of it again then there was the incident where you punched a federal inspector in the face I hate how this movie begins for a variety of reasons and hearing about what a dick Jake is before we even get to the amaze part of his invention is one and despite the fact that I believe our government is useless I find it hard to believe they'd be such hard asses - the guy who saved the world the worst series of storms building in Southeast Asia and in North Atlantic that would have killed tens of thousands of people that sounds low considering that heat waves were killing two million people in Madrid alone okay where do you get that little brother huh Jake helpfully verbally identifies max as his little brother within the first minute of dialogue because this is a stupid action movie that doesn't have time for subtlety is for arthouse movies like Avengers infinity war I told ya this had the co-wallow is that all you told him because how to talk to senators and don't insult the Senators might have been a good conversation to have if they can control the weather so expertly why are there even wide swaths of desert anymore are there still water shortages in Africa are there no storms at all these movie interested in explaining any of this we find out later that this was some sort of malfunction on dutchboy that caused this but again much like the heatwave that killed two million people in Madrid I've got to wonder how this happened so quickly that people are frozen instantly it's not even anyone running or looking up to the sky because it happened that fast and what about the surrounding heat how does the satellite block the Sun from hitting the spot no I no need to check on these guys to see if there's any sign of life even though this is clearly a freaking Amelie you and recon team found it mr. president I'm convinced that at this stage in his career Andy Garcia is only agreeing to roles that feature less than five total minutes of screen time with this many people in the loop I'm not sure how long it's going to keep ah Christoph also seriously these two acting legends finally share a movie and it's king geo storm I will not be the president that hands over damaged goods Andy Garcia is the president that we deserve but he's not the one we need right now seventeen countries had teams working on dutchboy they all reported to him nobody knows what's under the hood better than half manipulates position no one will be seated during the International Space Station replaces the Afghanistan satellite scene this Bulls Starship Troopers taught me anything it was that in the future there would be unisex locker rooms I feel so deceived and I thought I told you not to talk to strangers even at 13 Hannah can clearly understand how fucking hokey this dialogue is government authority figure has to track down the one person who can do the job but he's living in a shack in Florida and working on a vintage car cliche dutchboy was all you ever gave a damn about the perils of calling your movie tech dutchboy is that it requires actors to repeatedly say dutch-born okay well then what are you doing living out here hmm damn that's a convenient ass rocket launch hang on not only is this 2022 but this workstation is in what has to be one of the most technologically advanced buildings in the world and they still use landlines that look like they're from 1996 yeah I do much parenting oh boy a bad father looks like you've got some emmerich in my devlin of course it's very possible the bad father thing was always Devlin but I just want to blame roland emmerich for everything think of it like I'm going on a vacation for a week or two this movie's discount interstellar it's the same problem Earth has the environment and a really smart little girls dad has to go into space to make it all better I hope we get to see crying Gerard Butler later in the not so distant future next Sunday ad the US has enough money in 430 launching pads with their own dedicated rocket at what point does any country need this many rockets on call even if they have a complex weather controlling gadget in space have a safe trip sir an holy Jake's the only asshole flying in the ship couldn't they have scheduled this one the other rocket was flying to space a minute ago or is this just a luxury you can afford when you have 117 rockets lying around oh yeah this reminds me this Jake's body even ready to go to space after three years of beer-swilling and bad parenting okay up until now the effects have been surprisingly passable but the shot looks like it belongs on a Saturday morning cartoon show on the CW look at you girl sure it sounds all cool coming out of the drawer but Lou's mouth but I get slapped with a restraining order when I say this to my college girlfriend well I thought she was sleeping oh maybe I need to speak to your chief scientists about the fine art of giving a shit I'm the chief scientist I've been promoted to here ago here's bad movie logic for you Jake is approached by his brother max to go back to the place he was fired from before we know it he's on a ship by himself flying to that place and now he's talking to the chief scientist but was never briefed on what's changed or who's in charge oh of course an American actually my brother and I were born in the UK this line was definitely inserted to explain Gerard Butler's dialect in this movie after it was screened okay maybe not definitely but you would totally believe that wouldn't you you are this is mr. Jake Lawson and he might be one of the most famous men in the world after he saved it so it's really strange that people like you who work on Dutch boy you don't know who he is max jumps into bed unshaven with rumpled hair and a wrinkled t-shirt Sarah is posing perfectly on the bed with her nightgown and cleavage just so and not a hair out of place but they both equally want to fuck right now far worse and the very thing we're trying to prevent wait what was that a Geo storm aha are all those credits also how the fuck would max have never heard about this possibility he runs the goddamn department that handles the POTUS called a last minute press parade why you can't stay despite getting the warning from Chang seeing the destruction on TV and being informed of an emergency meeting called by the president max is still in full-on flirtation mode proving once again that the power of boners is greater than the power of Geo storms that's my fave actually I call it a rock and roll aah I prefer to call it NIMS island or the ugly truth since we're obviously just calling things by Gerard Butler movie titles now it looks like bad servo relayer drunk sailor man for a movie about a catastrophic weather event there is a lot of computer porn tell no one yeah especially since I'm brazenly waving my little secret access thingy and having this discussion in a completely open environment Oh whew with this hologram screen how is this better hey guys I want a machine that controls the weather around the world and also I want to join hallway filling hologram screen so that I can talk to earth while looking at a blurry glittery image actually you'll be reporting to max here good luck so what was the purpose of this urgent call just to tell Jake that his brothers in charge how does he not already know this just because he wanted it to be someone else just one week after mom and dad died you got arrested for fighting expositional arguing but if you ever authorize anything without my approval we on the next shuttle nine and we'll all be dead because of Geo storm but I will have taught you a goddamn listen do you movie if you're gonna show me that the satellite is this big and it's about to ram into these people in this shot don't tell me it's this far away in the next shop did this walk away double in size between cuts granted I've never spaced before but it is a vacuum right after the first panel blew shouldn't this dude have been sucked out of that opening or does space have a dramatic sense of timing it was terrific in 2001 a Space Odyssey step across the gravity threshold why does the spacewalk require the two most important people in the dutchboy operation I can't this be some designated maintenance people especially since the world has so much money to run this shuttle people back and forth daily let's just get the panels and see what's on those drives I'm stating the exact mission that you just told us 30 seconds ago in case anyone has that memento condition in the theater also it's absolutely totally fucking amazing that no one's bothered to get this panel until now this happened a week ago Jake's known for some time that someone's sabotaging everything on dutchboy he suspected it before he boarded got confirmation from his brother and got first-hand experience with it when the satellite went haywire at this point I don't know why he trusts anyone and every mission should be taken with the idea that someone doesn't want him to figure out what the evil plan is and I think they were gone for the terror of gravity but ended up with a comedy at The Three Stooges in orbit why didn't you tell them about the drive because someone just tried to kill me yeah but why did you tell her about it oh it's because she's pretty she can't be evil got it you've been locked out what the hell does this movie want to be sci-fi thriller apocalyptic effects fest a geopolitical whodunit make up your goddamn mind movie just like Jim Sturgess is just using this movie as an excuse to try out different hairstyles oh come on this guy's been tracking Channing the whole time from Hong Kong to Washington he could have killed this dude in so many other ways and privately this is agent Wilson yes I know right now that sir I have to identify herself as an agent can't you just call 9-1-1 abbie cornish t1000 of course dad was a government spy his whole life caught me red-handed it really is incredible to hear Gerard Butler's American and Scottish accents battle each other in real time his cell phone number is the key even if I allow Jake memorizing this fake phishing story down to the precise word so that his brother could crack it using their dad's old cell phone number I find it a little hard to believe that the software they're using could figure out stuff like red-handed or no one being one word and keeping the count right for easy to cipher and even if I'm wrong about that then I will bring up a real nitpick how this video is in no way how Gerard Butler performed it in the movie a minute ago so I'm sending something about this god damn it sure don't tell you're naturally suspicious Secret Service girlfriend that you're bringing a stranger to the house tonight that can't ever end badly I can explain everything what about that statement is pervy I mean if he'd said I was gonna well we're in your my own gonna have the who was gonna off the now that would be perfect and you know that is bigger than you you know shut up indeed shut up it is you and me the easiest way to know is to take the you and out of the sentence and see if it holds up look being a grammar nazi can be bad but being an incorrect grammar nazi and I'm not saying this because the actress is German either so get that out of your head whoever did that killed my mother and what makes you think it is not me these are things completely innocent people with guns say bingo looks more like a dildo to me but I get those words confused sometimes too it really gets them riled up on Tuesday nights at the assisted living center Geno storm why can't anything we've ever seen have you seen other geo storms sure no one in the Secret Service is gonna care if you leave your post with the president in sight to go talk to someone everyone knows is your boyfriend I've got this Sara keeping the president safe doesn't require a team effort Jake these is to steal the kill codes from Palma at least 70% of this movie is people imploring other people to do things to even other people Jesus people just yelled geo storm and everyone will understand I can still the convoys in the shower awesome I was wondering if we'd make it through this slog without at least a little Andy Garcia skin we've lost ball control the Tokyo satellite because it's the one city that roland emmerich hasn't destroyed on film and Dean Devlin has got to get his nut on without using sloppy seconds max I didn't know you were coming to the convention I know max is high-level State Department but this is Air Force One and he's not on the manifest did they let unexpected employees just tag along on an impromptu basis I got if there's not a helicopter shot of the Christ the Redeemer statue getting blow the fuck up in the scene I'm gonna ping riot just under a minute ago we already saw ice crashing into the beaches of Rio so why is it still only this far inland when we go back to it Dominic Toretto should be frozen solid racing for pink slips against a gang leader by now he gets frozen a quarter-mile at a time man I love how they set up this one hot chick is the one person we should care about during this Rio Country tropical freeze like literally the only character trait that she has is that she's in a bikini and she's hot and we saw her boyfriend get frozen a minute ago so we're planning moving in on that later well damn we had a good streak there but there goes HBM again I know what you're saying but Jeremy this is a malfunctioning weather satellite and I say that's what I call HBO when it's not playing new episodes of Game of Thrones god damn it one hour 30 minutes unfortunately no one watching this movie was given the same warning and many tens of people died this is supposed to be a sophisticated system right like shouldn't it be giving latitude and longitude coordinates instead of the metropolitan city name it's gonna hit only within the city limits of Orlando next I know everything about you your father's death why'd you lie to me well importantly why didn't you say anything about it until now I gotta tell you something max violates Mubi rule 182 which is never share info with that Harris when you need someone you can trust and I need the president has kill God we're gonna shut down boy down now apparently the only character trait listed for max was constantly out of breath also if max trusts Jackson Pollock why doesn't he immediately tell him about the impending storm that's headed directly toward them president is a kill call biometric wait they entrusted the entirety of the global weather regulation to one person I mean I know they pretty much do that for nukes this seems like even more of a stupid plan also this seems like a very sensitive discussion to be having in the middle of a crowded convention hall with dozens of civilians and pres hanging around thanks an important character who shouts thinks I thought there might be a way to control the satellites without the station but you've set me straight where's Duncan he's the only one with enough programming expertise to override the commands done Oh like why you didn't write out a list of the most obvious suspects and this whole thing is beyond me gonna figure this out in like a couple hours probably pay this guy has no problem killing pools left and right but now at this critical moment sure why not lay out your motivations before capping Olympus has fallen here also earlier they ruled out the French guy because Jake figured he'd have been dead already if it was him so why is that not true for the British guy oh wait I remember this in A Tale of Two Cities somewhere something about French guys kill you instantly British guys let you live and tell you the plan before they attempt to kill you I think Charles Darnay says that are you a little bit curious to watch the world but you know I've heard a lot of Michael Caine impressions and this is the worst one yet even though the satellite is blowing up and the Geo storm is imminent and the world is in peril and president Garcia's in the middle of a dope speech at the DNC we've got time for an orbital fistfight and try and tell you anything else man this is some ham-handed from deck I'm here bringing up Chang's name he has max all to himself and all he's got to do is get him behind closed doors and end this motherfucker but instead he gives away that he's the bad guy as if being Ed Harris wasn't enough we're leaving her post again how is Sarah not fired already kidnapped the president that sounds reasonable well it's the only move we've got between the whispered breathless dialogue and the bonkers political abduction strategy you could easily convince me this was an episode of 24 and sure seemed like a good idea but Sarah took out at least four good lighting guys wait how did Jake catch up to the entire crew he ordered evac like 10 minutes ago and had the confrontation the fistfight with anonymous British guy number one so he should be way behind everyone I'm sorry you need to come with me I swear to God that I've seen abbie cornish actually act but the effects of Geo store are apparently far too strong and it's like those little wooden lift gates don't do anything to deter rogue agents that kidnap the president suddenly the Koch brothers just got unexpected simultaneous erections god dammit does every one of these disaster movies have to have a lost dog sub sub sub plot it's like we care if the one dog gets saved but we forget about the millions already dead from this by the way I'm lumping in all the in case you confused it with sins here because this movie has so many it's worse than a Bourne movie but in case you confused with Moscow New Hampshire and ten sends more from me please having my brother and I lead the investigation was a setup from the start think about he hired us to fail I hire anybody except people he could control he'd put a mole on dutchboy and while that sounds dirty that's what he did he had people inside the Secret Service working for why not hire Jim Joe Bob Benedict Darrell the guy with a degree in science from State College this is a super speaking plan as if the John Cusack drives a car through buildings while avoiding crashing over past the scene in 2012 wasn't enough Dean Devlin reaches down deep and works up the courage to do a miniature version for this movie we need to go we haven't heard from him in hours I trust him who gives it about trusting him the man might be dead or unconscious or having sex with heavy kornish all these things would prevent him from making the call after answered it manual yet the mainframe I mean it's not my type of dirty talk but whatever gets you going I'll be the sole survivor ready to be sworn in as the next president of the United States I'm just wondering what was Dec UM's planned before max told him he knew something was up I guess he was just gonna slip out of the arena at the right time but why wasn't he already gone before that the storm began well before Deckman confronted max about lying about why he came to Orlando and not long after that the arena exploded fine I mean I know it's a Geo storm and everything but if this storm does blow over wouldn't there be an investigation into the massive rocket launcher attack that ultimately killed the president wouldn't there be at least an Oliver Stone movie about it because I'm the goddamn President of the United States of America well that and he had to people go absolutely rogue and kidnap him away from danger but yeah president America you're done village what where did all these assholes come from and even though this is the president in all shouldn't all the rescue personnel be helping the entire city over Orlando didn't the fool Moxley center blow up with all the Democrats I'm turning the clock back to 1945 when America was a shining city on a hill mega you know what my brother would say what yeah he was a dick but we only realized he was a dick 17 minutes ago this punch hasn't earned this isn't something that's been building the whole movie oh yeah even though the bad guy was already caught we've got several more minutes of Geo storming since the movie neglected the Geo storm for most of its runtime the day after tomorrow a 3d Tomorrow Never Dies Station self-destruct can't be reversed well it can't look the only guy who could override it we got sucked into a vacuum of space we really should have hired more IT guys why does some of the satellites send out storms but some of them get all stark Hillary I know all that talk about the manual insertion into the mainframe got you revved up before but now it's not the time what are you doing I told you yeah sure but what have you been doing the whole time as soon as the last shuttle left you could have been like Here I am bitch but instead you hung around doing nothing until springing your surprise at the last minute it should come as no surprise but this countdown clock is total bull anyone who relies on this asshole is an asshole yes you look you can show all these explosions around the Santaland all you want but if Jay can do to escape this then you are lying so that's it we done geo storming jeez I never knew how much I'd miss it that's racist wait even the flooding water decided get let's not flood this city anymore let's go home because that's what flooding water does it's tough but fair on the station hey why is it still storming in Atlanta I thought the storms were over even the Geo kind you can't undo the past they set up this girl to be more than a bookend narrator and daughter who's worried about her dad the whole movie but they didn't pity what a waste and she's right we can't undo the past [Music] everyone was warned but no one listened excuse me I'm not asking for your input your commander must cross that field put his head between his legs and catch his own arse [Music] trust no one [Music] ground control to Major Tom houston we have a problem

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 3,804,642

Rating: 4.8713093 out of 5

Keywords: movie, geostorm, everything wrong with, cinemasins, cinema sins, geo storm, wave jockey job, mistakes, review, eww

Id: efQE6Wg3658

Length: 20min 22sec (1222 seconds)

Published: Thu May 24 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This movie seems like it should have come out in 2004/2005.

[u/[deleted]]

This movie's been somewhat requested in this Sub. Can we get Monty Python and the Holy Grail sometime, given I've been requesting it for half of a year along with u/flamingos_world_tour?

[u/Meta_Boy]

a) Oh hey, it's the only good character from Misfits, whose departure completely ruined the show

b) I did not hear sin #125 because I was loudly shouting What the Fuck at the HUNDREDS of police cars on that road. omg

great fucking video

[u/Castriff]

I... Wow, that was bad. That was bad. How did this get past the writing phase?

[u/Whizzo50]

Hooo boy, been hearing this film has been awful. Time to see just how awful, and if the special effects beat birdemic

[u/LostInGeorgia]

I lost it when I heard the Frogger game in the outtakes.

It was Frogger, right?

[u/EarlTheAndroid]

I think this video was originally supposed to come out on Tuesday instead of today. They sinned The Last Jedi for BB-8 plugging the holes in Poe's ship and called it "An electric version of the boy plugging the wall from that one ancient fable I've forgotten the name of". Dutch Boy aka the name of the weather control system in Geo-storm. The only reason I remembered this is because I was confused by that sin but it now makes sense. But they messed up the order of the videos so I'm going to have to give Cinema Sins a sin. 1+

[u/AshKetchup619]

I heard green needle.

[u/raptor102888]

Ok two things.

First off, it IS supposed to be "you and I." You're right about taking out the "you and" to help figure it out, but then you're left with "bigger than I." This is correct because there's an understood "am" at the end. "This is bigger than me am" is absolutely not correct. What were you saying about being an incorrect grammar nazi?

Second, how can you not sin the "gravity threshold" shenanigans at the beginning of the space walk?? Are they implying that the station has gravity plating like Star Wars or Star Trek? If that's the case, why is the station shaped in a rotating cylindrical pattern? And if they're trying to say the gravity is from the station's spin, THEY'RE STANDING UPSIDE DOWN! AND, if it's spin gravity, there is no "gravity threshold" where he would suddenly start floating after taking one step! That whole scene was a clusterfuck of misunderstandings of basic physics.

u/cinemasins, come on man, step up your game.