Everything Wrong With Central Intelligence In 17 Minutes Or Less

a minute and two goddamn seconds of King logos Comcast someone who went to high school roughly at the same time this flashback opening is taking place in this is the nicest cool boys locker room in the history of 20 years ago schools movie thinks asses aren't physically funny also there's no way somebody this unpopular dances around school showers like this especially not at the beginning of the school day when any [ __ ] can walk in in a soldier's ah be rid of showers you're in first period bully keeps tabs on Robbie showering habits please it right there can I get an arrow on that sign yeah that one in the back left that is literally the worst pep rally sign ever geez first my lovin you're never going to get it and now unbelievable they said this was 20 years ago the beginning of this thing both of those songs are from the early 90s and not 1996 where we'd be hearing more Macarena and come on right at the train hell I'd even settle for some ironic if you got it sorry no student body anywhere loves a popular student this universally it's called high school everyone hates each other the bullies said that Bob always showers during first period as if everyone in the school was in first period at the time and not at an assembly and what kind of assembly takes place around the time of first period instead of at the end of the day also how terrible is a principal that these bullies think they can just drag someone from the showers into the gym naked and expect no reprisals for it what bullies would get this hands-on with a fat naked guy they hate and how far does a naked guy slide on gym floor like zero right everybody here finds this hilarious when you'd probably get three nervous chuckles tops and the rest of the assembly would just be in an uproar this couldn't be less funny well the pig's blood and Carey was probably funnier than this and it only got a couple bit chica Faust well there's no coming back from that I guess we should find this terrible principal who doesn't give it all arias because of his doesn't give it yes but considering the cruelty of the gag it plays like they're laughing at sanctioned abuse yeah seems right the guy who won all those accolades and was a star athlete and academic is in a dead-end job in an office story why shouldn't that mean he was a dick at the beginning of the movie the guy was super nice and smart and athletic I mean this dude couldn't cash that in hey check it it is apparently required in comedies these days for the character to work at an office where he shares space with some smarmy [ __ ] senior o'houlihan I guess that's funny he can go to lunch with coworkers because he was taking a way to lunch but somehow they were going to the same restaurant so he gets the whiff it yeah okay in my life down here became a disappointment that's wrong be this guy in the movie says has been with this girl for 20 years describes his life as a disappointment then act surprised when she gets angry this is a movie husband a real world husband knows better than this Calvin react to this is if he hears the movie sound effects thinks it's totally weird that the phone rang right after he clicked confirm instead of not noticing anything weird like everyone else uh-huh black people don't go therapy go to barber shops that's when we talk on a problem we watched a movie barbershop sure let's just reinforce stereotypes about race for all the funnies watching pop things people don't ever say when running into somebody on the sidewalk comedic overreaction is such an overreaction it forgets the comedic part it's 60m and there in the eastern time zone so there's no way there's a football game on unless this bar are showing reruns because the NFL never plays games that start at 6 p.m. Eastern you know Mike Herculean survival or road block or the Scorpion King just one okay Bobby's in a while remember this this was the very jab did no music exist in 1996 this movie revolves completely around early 90s hits as if the music industry declared a freeze on new music after 1992 blow away he ate sir somebody actually said yes someone was now dammit look I don't doubt these [ __ ] exist but this is bull a dude that is this ridiculously rude just in time to get his ass kicked by the rock is what I call a convenient [ __ ] just letting everyone know this is over a stolen chair at a bar it's not the conflict we wanted but apparently need it you like Jason Bourne amber would George hilariously that sense was literally the pitch for American ultra hey I got an idea let's roll here's my bike there were absolutely zero helmets in the vicinity but when they drive off Bob not only got one on but he's got a spare for Calvin also both of these men are forgetting the beers and shot this guy just drank and I thought high school was going to be like like sixteen Candles you'll see that movie on blacks on this is the second time black people don't do that it's supposed to be funny and I'm gonna count it I just thought I was meant for more you know guy doesn't see that marrying the most beautiful woman ever isn't a great life cliche I don't know I just did it man exactly so do it now Bob once Calvin to do the backflip he used to do in high school and if this doesn't end up being a hilariously painful situation I'll remove five sins otherwise I'm going to add five angle I man wait a minute is this movie telling me that Calvin is an expert hacker who can get into this illegal offshore account site or is the movie telling you that Bob gave him the password and Calvin is the type of guy who would say bingo and then after an ordinary password entry because either way it's simply hour and 47 minute movie about a CIA guy goes the first 30 minutes not CIA and feeling more like Romy and Michele's Grosse Pointe blank hey sex with a jet jet those are obviously hilariously undersized for Bob but they would also have to be ridiculously oversized for Calvin to fit it so I'm calling bull on your sight gag movie I can't believe I'm having a sleepover at Calvin Jordan's house right oh I'm surprised as a couch hide-a-bed made that can tolerate the rocks weight and frame without bending or collapsing I'm being serious TBS pretty much plays exclusively syndicated sitcoms on weekday morning so this coincidental Sixteen Candles airing the morning after bob said he loved this movie is some bull yeah whatever movie he cleaned up everything and put that bed back up and change you know what I'm just going to stick with you yeah whatever movie he had any contact with this man the CIA is only here because they know for a fact bob was talking to Calvin or trace that computer hack here or any number of things the CIA could know so why are they bothering with a simple knock I don't why don't they have other CIA people around the house to make sure Bob can't escape come off I'm pressing the timeout but it's the button that you press when you're overacting and you need to cheat laughs let's see some today oh this apparently hasn't ever happened to this dude at work before scare well everything agent goes toward the stairs leaving the entire floor open my favorite as long as mops in the building no one's safe that's why we brought three whole agents to track and bounce definitely isn't behind the door here but is suddenly behind the door here Plus where is he hiding to make a phone call and be in the office at the same time suddenly there are three other agents I don't know where because even the movie realized how stupid sending just three agents with this guy was yeah hang tight everyone Kevin Hart's going to give the play-by-play of what's happening in this scene you know for hilari holy where were these guys I guess they were in the middle of their customary smoke break also all of the guys miss the CIA conveniently doesn't have anybody directly behind Bob which means that's where he's escaping and three two one I guarantee you it's impossible to know the exact number of seconds the next I will take to burn up to the sprinkler also and perhaps more importantly that sprinkler system is perfect since it should have gone off almost as soon as the tie fire started and shouldn't have dated actual flames to reach it before going on also also that tie took four minutes to burn all the way up to the top also also also somehow the CIA is ported by water luckily the standoff occurred right in the spot where these two could jump out of a window and directly onto the inflatable gorilla outside also despite having 437 agents on the top floor nobody's down here just in case Bob escape all these gunshots and none hit Bob or Calvin or the tires hey what's this honey okay guys this is where I check out of the movie in character was never funny now he's making me go search for the manager of this theater and demand double refund passes and I need your super sweet accounting skills why even if you've had to go rogue to catch the real bad guy how does a badass agent like you not have any contacts around the world with accounting skills bob's murdered partner is being played by aaron paul which almost certainly means he was not murdered and he's the actual bad guy also enough does this murder get pinned on Bob oh yeah Bob murdered his partner with a stick him in the elevator and blow him up technique classic motorcycle guy is storm trooper terrible of aiming Jesus toddler with an Uzi would be more accurate than this Curt also how does this guy know they're here okay maybe the GPS but didn't bob disconnected and if he disconnected it why did he think it was a good idea to stay here when this is the first place the CIA might look if they ever figured out what GPS to look for instead of just shooting Bob right now this guy would rather do a bunch of motorcycle karate on him guaranteeing he will not succeed no no don't go home oh okay so you're not going home right I spend so much time asking his wife not to go home shocked she doesn't go straight home I swear to god 23 percent of this movie is Kevin Hart making faces and noises and unfun aliy riffing Kevin Hart is now the male Melissa McCarthy really funny person that gets less funny the more the director allows him to riff okay I am scared okay I don't have motion in my system if I say it down on told it nothing's coming out farts are just air I'm confused should I hope that mr. Hart got paid a lot of money to say these lines or should I hope he didn't get paid a lot of money to say this lines either way somebody got robbed test with a ghost figment of his imagination he started calling the black badger interesting since 20 seconds later agent Pamela says this Bob stone is the black badger how could the black badger be made up real at the same time he killed him to cover his tracks Jesus you figured that out in three weeks a you conducted an investigation that led you to believe Bob did this even though there are way easier methods to kill a guy and make it look like an accident you're the only one Bob trusts through some reason how you babe Calvin this is dr. Dan even more total nonsense because now even if Calvin told his wife about Bob sleeping downstairs and she was okay with it now I'm supposed to believe that she saw him downstairs this morning and didn't make a connection when it turned out their therapist was the same guy how could you hit your wife this whole therapy session made it into the movie somehow it could have made the decision not to have it in there but somebody decided to keep it and only a certified international banking official can accent its Trevor you moving your bolts on because you want to know what they're gonna vote on homecoming king and queen again maybe you'll Maggie can make it two for two by the way these guys have a ten-year high school reunion that's the one most people go to right could they forget that the Oscar goes to clever oh wait he was cooking with them if the rock doesn't break this guy's fine before the scene is over I'm gonna be offended once if that kid always at that kid if that were the case then Bob would have trouble beating up bullies no matter what because they would remind him of the pain from high school but because it actually happens to be Trevor of all people he suddenly freezes up unnecessarily sidetracking this movie and meaning Trevor's ass beating will have to occur at the Reunion because that's how these movies do Suzy tries to have heart after a full hour of the exact opposite of heart even though technically it's been at least 60% heart not is so affected by the old bully reviving the high school bully memories he leaves Calvin behind even though he needs Calvin to mathematical brain to complete his mission thanks for sharing I mean if it's undisclosed do I really benefit from learning that look at the torture room got it location is unimportant control if you want to stomach for even though why'd you even let this tool into the interrogation chamber in the first place he's a pawn you used to get to Bob you don't need him and he hasn't earned any right to watch interrogation he can when agent Harris says you can leave that's why I'm leaving you in the Sun locker room with no guards who among us hasn't seen a banana and instant we decided to escape this works also bananas traction I really am sorry this clock in the background says it's 441 I really am because the clock in the next room says it's 741 I really didn't want to notice this or give it a sin but there it is so Bob and Calvin try to be best buds again just outside the interrogation room and not only do they have time for that way once again somehow managed to get in a situation where the three main agents are the only agents until they've action demands more give you a dollar if you can decipher what the [ __ ] is going on in this action sequence Calvin don't learn by osmosis or something to be able to do that nope you can't toss a guy ten feet into concrete and have this kind of wall exploding reaction concision the first what this is gonna hurt Wow Calvin had that one-liner timed out perfectly somehow those agents don't know that and don't shoot at the tires look at this vibrate on that whoa what look if you're gonna steal the pulp fiction line do it right don't put a dull in front of jet you made it weird like a chocolate Google fake chocolate Google that's not only Google racist but delicious sounding dude all you got to do is plug those digits into the GPS and boom so why did you need a super sweet accounting brain then if it's just plug in numbers and boom couldn't you've done this yourself you ever still playing before does this question even need asking yeah he answers with some hilarious starburst thieving story but no he has not stolen plane before you jackass second largest penis hunt in history what was the largest penis hunt in state history Fassbender Emsworth Oh art not Korean so you better believe it took a long time in fact I'm just gonna let Kumail take this you're stereotyping Korean dicks that's racist yeah and I'm adding 50 Cent's Plus Kumail Nanjiani would be amazing at citizen mod and Calvin are able to take off from this runway without anyone noticing and apparently don't show up on military radar on the Atlantic coast Plus completely out of gas I know for a fact this is bull before I even get to the part where they show that Bob is faking this whole thing that's how movies like these are the setup is too obvious you're wasting our time well these feels a scene from San Andreas because let's be honest who the remembers anything about that movie I like it you attention make bird call oh oh man I got a hand up to Kevin Hart he's actually blasting through these horrible audience pandering scenarios with full force and no embarrassment fun I can't make bird noises I never could that's your biggest weakness not fear of heights or addiction or daddy issues and the rock is getting off an elevator with a gun and you can't tell what movie or film franchise it's from that's a sign the film you're watching is a beautiful hilarious and while I understand this is a comedy if Bob had told Calvin basically anything along the way this wouldn't seem like such a random finale do it go ahead I won't you want to bet Harris is not the Blackmagic American a mistake aa sudden there Oh Who am I kidding I'm not surprised like anything in this movie I am the black batcher you may not have heard it but Calvin apparently recognizes that Aaron Paul is Phil how the does Calvin know that did he see a picture of him all he's heard is a story Bob told it and another story agent Harris told I am the black batcher no I'm the black badger I really don't give it through the black banner in so long as we can end it soon when this thing's over I'm going to rip your throat out my Patrick Swayze Roadhouse movie continues it's out of date references for the benefit of someone also Roadhouse sucks there I said it the CIA once again brings three people also three CIA [ __ ] appear and fire guns and even though the bad guys had like 25 men on their side this will somehow devolve into an even battle Calvin Joyner went to the previous school of running away from things instead of ever turning Calvin counted on the uncountable SUV X marketer to save his ass thank heavens Bob somehow timed this don't seriously believe this guy do I get behind me jet movie tries to make me doubt the rock is the good guy at the last minute which isn't gonna work because this moves towards the rock duh nobody hits nothing here normal everyday foot and fist fight requires an edit for every blow landed also fight choreography brought to you by who gives up since the camerawork is so shaky nice no that's at this point I'm just waiting for this to turn into anchorman 3 and we suddenly see the Terminator Bart Simpson Dirty Harry Michael Corleone and everyone else who's ever had a thing show up on screen Andrew the face well know why your pal Bob could never been the black badger it's because he's too riche villain overexposed it's and creates a window for the hero you know faking my own death was the easy part Jesus stop talking I mean seriously what is the point this is so insulting I'm getting away with a half a billion dollars boy scout bob is going to spend his life in prison so I guess it makes sense that Bob would fall for this but anyone else in the CIA - with a Blood Pact like this show up is not your blood at all but ink or someone else's blood the and this was your plan you actually thought Bob would get framed for this calendar as you do a backflip and it looks faker than the Twilight baby thank you thank you for the location text it completely and totally makes this movies ending so war no kidding you are an eagle screenwriter soar on the breeze you are what makes me special everything to me mags I love you absolutely nothing in this movie showed that he learned this marriage lesson he literally went through some bogus eih and now suddenly cares about his wife in his marriage out of the blue how does Bob Stone win homecoming king I have to the votes on the fight in how the is something as silly as a 20-year highschool reunion homecoming cane election on a computer wouldn't you vote for that when you actually got to the reunion and usually paper ballots and wouldn't the thought nobody knows who bob stone is kind of derail this whole thing Robbie may be good how can someone have this much of a bully boner for real like legitimately I don't even feel great that Bob finally punches this guy it's like thirty eight-year-old people where's the boy in that twenty years ago in this gym I stood in front of you all naked and embarrassed movie is trying way too hard to have a feel good morally positive ending and it's lame as shock yeah sad to say but the funniest thing in this movie is that guy celebrating catching Bob's pants you fell II don't remember Darla Looby is trying to kamikaze all the happy endings that can fit into the last five minutes believe you remember me remember you how could I forget you I know because I'm glad everyone's enjoying his dance performance but did he ever put on any Underpants I mean is he still hanging out there like the swing ride at a County Fair so now that she's pregnant are we supposed to believe that for 20 years this was never a problem for Milly feels like this couple we've gotten divorced about 15 years ago if that were the case as I close this movie is still going even though it ended 10 minutes ago well I sleep in it most nights no you don't that was bad intelligence very bad intelligence I'm sorry [Applause] this is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed [ __ ] you know how filled I'd give bouncing at the blackmagic killed she was Keizer salsa I am the black batcher no I'm the black batcher I'm Spartacus I'm bata got today I took my first crap in two weeks hey if you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve then you don't deserve to be called adults by children because that's what children are and you'll be treated like children you don't know about them because if they were to come into use they put the oil companies out of business the concept of the internal combustion engine has been obsolete for over 50 years but because of the oil cartels and corrupt government regulation we in the rest of the world is forced to use gasoline for over 100 years

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 9,321,318

Keywords: cinema sins, central intelligence, mistakes, eww, kevin hart, wave jockey job, movie, cinemasins, the rock, review, everything wrong with

Id: NHIplJptp1Q

Length: 18min 10sec (1090 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 04 2017