Everything Wrong With Godzilla (2014)

i hate to start out on such a sophomoric note but that is a literal butt crap easy darwin reference is easy movie thinks a breaking bad reference will buy it some early subconscious goodwill and you know what movie is right i bought a ticket solely because walter white was in this [ __ ] and if you've seen this movie you know why this is still a sin it's a well-known hollywood rule that you can't make a godzilla movie without putting some generic old-timey war footage behind the opening credits discount in jen ken watanabe is in this movie but i'm not sure he's ever really into this movie character has a pocket watch that is super important to them cliche hey guys you gotta see this cliche movie combines aliens in jurassic park forces us to realize that this is like the 33rd godzilla movie ever made and well god damn it this one looks broken like something came out of it it's probably just the wind oh yeah we are about to see some godzilla oh this room is an orgy of evidence that this kid plays with toys in a manner that will be aesthetically pleasing to a cinematic tracking shot movie lingers on a poster of primary villains is foreshadowing but characters live in a world where creatures like this are documented fact it's like a lingering shot of a poster depicting death and taxes respect and honor with all of that that's racist all right that's my man brian cranston he's the sam neal of this movie he's gonna guide us all the way through to the end because he's awesome i sure hope the filmmakers don't pull the rug out from under me on this prediction so when we get there don't even bother coming up just grab a team and go down to level five death sentence all right let's make this quick that is exactly what juliette benoit says to me in my recurring dream keep the doors open my wife is still in there ugh don't do the thing because the someone is still in there cliche thankfully for her in the audience the radiation that is fast approaching her is doing so in a visible cloud-based form extra layer of door security arrives super late so that joe and sandra can say goodbye heroic teacher is the first one out when it comes to the classroom evacuation and leaves an army of abandoned children in her wake elizabeth olsen isn't my army wife in this scene ringing phone prevents elizabeth olsen from answering yes to the question have you driven a forward lately and son you can't bury this in the past wait what not only is ford completely reversing his position after a terrible speech and deciding to help his father but dude you are in the us military and you're about to go break the law in japan think about your career character pulls this mask off because air is more likely than not to be breathable cliche it's clean i knew it why didn't you do the take off the mask experiment a few days ago when you were in the quarantine zone did they stop you before you could enter and arrest you because then how the [ __ ] did you manage to get in with ease in broad daylight this time mothra reference serves to remind you that mothra will be playing the aptly named sir not appearing in this film floppy disks stacked in full view of surrounding destruction managed to survive extremely likely weather warping and other calamities for 15 years last time they just arrested him this time let's drive him further into the quarantine zone to headquarters and let him see everything going on one of them says he used to work here doctor why didn't he say that the last time he was arrested or if he did why didn't you care then these discs and print outs in his bag not sure what to make well you see in 1999 there were floppy disks that stored data instead of the flash drives and we used now you need an older computer with a floppy disk drive to read them of course you likely lived in 1999 so you probably know that that is not a transformer malfunction that is an electromagnetic pulse i know joe has been obsessed with this for years but hasn't dr serazawa also been studying this for at least 15 years and with way more information than joe got to work with how did he not figure that out it's done feeding ah i certainly hope so we're talking 15 [ __ ] years here we have to shut down eerie it's almost like we've been through this before it's almost like the first 30 minutes of this movie didn't really matter we don't know what the hell could hatch out of this thing so the brilliant solution is a web of cables tangling that's the solution what could possibly go wrong and what no jaegers you had 15 years to build a jaeger or plan a bomb under it instead this team of scientists pissed the time away on jagerbombs it takes 35 minutes for godzilla to show up in a hey that is not even godzilla he's still locked in the police fan they just abandoned prisoners in times of crisis man i hope they do that thing where some monster-related action [ __ ] somehow opens the doors to let him out without killing him [ __ ] run jesus in the name of a cool shot directors keep having the main character stand still in awe at the sight of things that would cause real people to be fred flintstoning the hell out of here ford falls backwards back into the police van which is probably a good idea since he's impossible to kill while inside it i'm not sure why he's putting on the mask but it sure is nice of the military police to have left it with him in the back of the van instead of confiscating it there he is he's a rock man i can't wait until the end of this movie and he's standing on top of one of these creatures heads and proclaiming victory this movie's going to ride that brian cranston train the whole way i can feel it is he dead actually yes he is but the movie wants to wait to reveal that for some reason robbing us of any actual cool emotional death moment and instead replacing it with a zipping up the body bag shot as the reveal because i have no [ __ ] idea emp disruption to create havoc with our radar and satellite feeds and reduce us for the moment to a strictly visual pursuit well isn't that convenient to the runtime of this movie okay movie can handle another major character actor as long as brian cranston is still there at the end what a [ __ ] tragic waste of brian cranston an ancient alpha predator who only kills for sport this historical footage contains more godzilla than the actual movie we call him roll credits we're monitoring all known sites but if we don't find it soon then i don't know forward maybe if you let her finish she'd tell you this wife who was worried sick about her maybe dead husband would not put her damn phone on vibrate [ __ ] you a movie and i'd probably let this lg product placement go without a sin if it wasn't for that stupid ass curve phone in case you confused it with honolulu afghanistan unsupervised bastard plot kid plots to bastard this movie with his lack of supervision movie about big lizards can't resist using a little lizard in an establishing shot cliche no more secrets sea tech astronomy it actually ends up taking 55 minutes half the [ __ ] movie before godzilla himself even shows up and when he finally does you'll swear for a moment you're actually watching the 1998 godzilla godzilla is polite enough to swim under the ship so that a main character doesn't die too soon but these other boats oh let's throw a dog in peril in here suddenly and randomly people love that godzilla will now be the hero of this story after drowning countless hawaiians and destroying the city muto waits until the lights come on to make any noises or take earth-shattering steps because this muto has an excellent sense of dramatic timing mido decides not to use its emp when threatened this time i mean why bother movie instantly makes itself unavailable for in-flight viewing with nightmare airport explosion sequence also main character and current main antagonist muto and godzilla all end up at the hawaii airport at the same damn time even though the muto could fly and ford took a ship and then a helicopter to get there domino explosions holy [ __ ] even liam neeson just pissed himself remove two cents wait did you just cut away from the action just as godzilla showed up the [ __ ] movie cheaps out and puts all the good godzilla action into a fake tv news broadcast instead of showing it to us regular style this is what happens when you hire a guy famous for making a movie called monsters that basically doesn't have any monsters in it only people this boy's been separated from his parents this kid wanders away because godzilla movie is more interested in generic civilian drama than actual godzilla stuff also movie suddenly turns into minority report that's the weird twist they put in this godzilla movie so ended the saga of the [ __ ] kid no one ultimately cared about anyway but thanks for adding seven minutes of run time you little plot the speed and heading of these things isn't that what you were just talking about simulations uploaded satellite tracking continues was this line supposed to go before that how would on foot soldiers discover this destroyed vault at the exact time as the helicopter is circling the mountain i'll tell you how because the director had an idea for a cool shot okay so this [ __ ] needs nuclear fuel to survive and now needs to mate with the other muto so why vegas why the hell does this creature need to destroy vegas now there's nothing for it here and it could just go around right is there an inherent need for the muto to just destroy cities for no reason the muto has been around long enough to get on the local news but words somehow didn't travel to this casino via twitter cell phone calls police warnings screaming [ __ ] from the street or anything that would normally happen in a situation like this that's what you get for gambling a bunch of degenerates believe it or not on the whole vegas actually still made money on this day also once again movie delights and showing us the destruction but almost none of the action that created it why does he swim so slowly that slow-ass aircraft carriers can keep up with him is godzilla a slacker current tracking models indicate that all three targets are converging here san francisco bay finally someone's going to take care of the homeless problem in san francisco also the mutuals want a bang and they need nuclear energy to make a child what the [ __ ] is in san francisco bay that makes this possible or is it just the most romantic place to do this yes doctor gojira may be the answer i believe he's here to restore balance dude you didn't even know about electromagnetic pulses before brian cranston came on the scene now you know with certainty what godzilla's motives are six 1945 hiroshima hiroshima shaming hiroshima it was my father's that means you were born by august 6 1945 then right because your dad can't have died before he provided the sperm portion of you so that makes you in this modern set movie a minimum of 69 years old which is [ __ ] the other possibility is that the biggest tragedy that happened to his father was that his watch stopped these weapons shouting military guy is a wealth of information for the movie's primary i guess hero he's in the movie a lot i suppose also what amazing timing that was to get there just as the train stopped and then be able to get on that train back to san francisco all action movies must have a pretty girl regardless of story importance end of discussion it's 2014. this tv and these vhs tapes are a sin i completely agree sir unnecessary agreement confirmation of mandatory orders i need to know the exact location of the mutuals asap how do you not know this information already this thing is filled with radioactive waste and you have satellites and radar and all sorts of [ __ ] and it's huge we tried that before megatons not killer towns nothing can withstand that blast i really don't doubt the us military would still think modern bombs would kill these things but aren't you a little wary that the bomb back then didn't even put a scratch on godzilla what the hell is this [ __ ] doing this is the problem with the needs nuclear waste to survive trait she has no reason to stock prey or hide or be a horror movie villain she should just constantly be moving and looking for that sweet ass yeah like you give a [ __ ] about a train horn is it wrong that this makes me horny we interrupt this godzilla movie to bring you stand by me you know this whole idea about luring the muto to the water by putting the nuclear weapons in the ocean definitely had one flaw if the weapons are so irresistible then obviously the murder would be able to detect and derail the train carrying the weapons before it got to san francisco i don't know why they didn't just fly there and get them there faster here's your second look at godzilla in this movie yep he's still useless he's gonna outrun us sir godzilla lets the military tail him for half the pacific ocean before finally burning rubber unkillable character is unkillable he kind of loved that the muno left one nuke relatively unharmed despite eating the entire train the nukes were on movie that went out of its way to have the protagonist have to protect a dumb kid puts the protagonist's own dumb kid on a bus so we don't have to worry about him the rest of the film there's still buses on that bridge the golden gate bridge isn't some sort of danger cliche san francisco still hasn't survived the birdemic honestly i've seen this [ __ ] bridge destroyed in so many movies i'd be surprised to go to san francisco in real life and find it actually intact lieutenant brodie is the only eld tech to survive the train attack irony the arrogance of man is thinking nature is in our control okay fine if you want to preach about this and be the moral center of the movie that's fine just know that you're the dumbass who spent 15 years studying this creature and thought a bunch of cables were going to contain the thing when it hatched had no weapons ready to kill it and basically the bay area in ways the oakland raiders haven't even dreamed of yet oh look the pretty girl's in arbitrary peril i am 100 the opposite of surprised did you just cut away from the action just as it was getting going again god damn you are the spitting image of my college ex i tell you what music commonly associated with 2001 is a bold choice and the following skydiving scene is worth knocking a sent off for the snipers on the rooftop are moving into position but why are bullets suddenly effective was there not even one moment in the writing of this movie where someone stopped and said hey are we having the main character and the monsters conveniently show up in the same locations too many times yeah better cut over to the boring humans and see what they're up to i sure didn't want to see the big monsters fighting after 98 fightless minutes of movie had passed which one of these [ __ ] was carrying a [ __ ] ladder we're 27 how has only an hour passed since they started the countdown on the bomb lots has happened since then we saw elizabeth olsen stay hot during the preamble to the creature fight we saw the mutos making babies blush ford asked about his wife and kid and fema was an [ __ ] like always they planned the skydiving attempt the moral center of the movie preached to us the same thing we learned from jurassic park from jeff goldblum and then elizabeth olsen stainhaw just before the creatures fought each other then the skydiving happened and then more fighting happened we didn't get to see because the movie's editor hates us and that's an hour and then cinemasins aren't [ __ ] hey why didn't godzilla use this earlier just like pacific rim's magic sword seems like it could have been useful before now i'm wondering if these army guys are serious with these guns or is this just something planted in the movie to make it appear actiony they can stole this boat this is just some boat on the harbor that they could carry the bomb to nobody programmed into this thing's autopilot yeah i know this is the same issue with jurassic parks t-rex and cloverfield's cloverfield you can't just have godzilla show up silently like he's a ninja or some [ __ ] also good god godzilla is awesome i hope future movies include him the next time rather than giving us what amounts to five minutes of screen time godzilla and the protagonist both pass out at the same time i mean there are script parallels and then there's this [ __ ] movie jesus are they soul mates are they cosmically linked somehow how did anyone know he was on the boat he did that with no one around and is the military really going to investigate a tour boat drifting into the water with all the other stuff they have to do wait did godzilla wake up kill the muto then go back to the exact same place where he collapsed earlier well on the bright side san francisco won't have to rebuild again until star trek into darkness happens movie expects me to get some kind of love boner over the reunion of two characters who had exactly four minutes of screen time together um sort of not really how come godzilla's appearance out of the water in hawaii caused a tsunami but is entering into the water in san francisco and just a little bit of boat wake what's up with that and i have a right to know i deserve answers [Music] [Music] best guess right now is about 40 miners went down with it oh sure i mean they're like three years old mine is not miners spark ship out of danger yes don't grieve him the needs of the many outweigh [Music] the needs of the few it's just every time i let him in close he always tries to drag me back and i can't i can't put our family through that just when i thought i was out they pulled me back in hey hold on calm down you drove into traffic to keep me from that laundry take a breath okay just listen to yourself these wild accusations they could destroy our family damn unfortunate family and told you to keep your damn mouth shut you stupid [ __ ] i deserve answers you want answers i think i'm entitled you want answers i want the truth you can't handle the truth my wife died here i didn't kill my wife i don't care oh [Music] in one place he knew he could hide something his ass five long years he wore this watch up his ass he died of dysentery

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 11,491,190

Keywords: wave jockey job, godzilla 2014, cinema sins, everything wrong with, cinema sins godzilla, cinemasins godzilla, godzilla, godzilla review, cinemasins, everything wrong with godzilla, eww, 2014

Id: p69Hfx7rUh0

Length: 16min 40sec (1000 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 02 2014