Everything Wrong With Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

[Music] 37 seconds of Sony logos 69a each other awesome the sky found the original Jumanji game buried on the beach where it was left in the last movie but the people approaching it at the end of the last movie were speaking French implying it went across the ocean this is still America so you you say I found something you gotta check this out you gotta check this out cliche board game and play Spartacus who says this out loud to themselves when presented with a board game also tons of people played board games in 1996 and even now that you what the hell is exactly going on over there is there a gremlin masturbating to a sleeping Alex also wouldn't we think about Jumanji is its ability to upgrade whenever someone shuns it this is something Jumanji stockholders demanded during the board game crash of 79 say what Alex was clearly playing a PlayStation earlier which only plays discs so why did you Monty settle on this Atari style upgrade instead of getting scared and looking for the [ __ ] who switched the board game for a video game cartridge this kid thinks wait a minute maybe I should stick to some licensed game into my machine and see what happens Metallica always taught me not to be afraid of death man it's bad enough that Alex had this number of cassette tapes even in 1996 but in 2017 a teenager like Spencer has fun CDs huh who knew there was an extra Kardashian living in New Hampshire also yes it's 2017 and all these kids have Sony phones which is weirdly noticeable at all we just speed this up free cos makes me very uncomfortable my dispenser and fridge meet here Spencer can give fridge this paper almost anywhere including at the school well anyone knowing it's not like he's your best friend your entire childhood mumbles position that poor man so awful it happened to those people three of the four main characters just happened to be near the freak house just before they all get sent to detention where they will play the Jumanji video game that directly relates to the family who used to live here this world swallows up kids like you damn when Eric straton became a gynecologist in Beverly Hills I didn't realize he would get so cynical I hope that went well but it will get a glass of buttermilk before randomly and critically threatened the next team but why what possible purpose does bethany being late for [ __ ] gym class serve not to perpetuate this utterly useless movie cliche this is school we are supposed to be learning things that actually okay somehow things these kids have probably done the entire school year become a big problem on the same day bethany talks on the phone during a quiz Martha goes all Lisa Simpson during gym class and Spencers obvious homework he's done for fridge is finally discovered after several attempts it's the last sentence of Anthony's paper on westward expansion coincidentally it's the last sentence of your paper on westward expansion from last year this teacher must make copies of her students papers to reference for plagiarism later since I thought it was customary to give the student their paper back with a grade on it either that or this teacher out of nowhere remembers one sentence of a paper from a year ago or some [ __ ] yeah you also used the same metaphor the shredding wildfire in your papers on the Boston Tea Party the Battle of Gettysburg and the woman's suffrage movement man this teachers played a long con on Spencer here such a memorable cliche and she didn't call him out on it once after all those times yes she knew one day Spencer would help someone cheek and he'd used that term and then her master plan would be complete welcome to detention only four people got in trouble today one of the normal rejects at this school also why is the principal handling detention he doesn't have better things to do doesn't that job go to the track coach or the health teacher or something all of these old magazines are bound for the recycling plant it seems all the staples must be removed what world are you living in where the staples need to be removed I guess you could be lying but why bother I recognize it so was the game just content to not be sucking anyone into it for 20 years I mean the drums weren't even beating to call attention to the console fridge just happened to find that I mean the board game went out of its way to recruit people so much so they had to bury that to prevent it from harming fools I came for those who seek to find a way to leave their world behind their reading oh what's fun love it I don't know I don't think it matters how much this is of course why the avatars are so completely conversed to the real-world characters but why would Spencer say this when he knows jackpot this game Franklin moose Finbar it clearly says mouse but I'm sure this will lead to hilarious comic I drink later also it's kind of crazy that this game doesn't have pictures of the character you were selecting I'm sure this will lead to hilarious comic hygiene flater I think it's now supposedly intelligent character Spencer does this instead of you know immediately unplugging the game why is this game sucking the characters in at random times so you're telling me Jumanji has the power to fuse with video games to become a video game but doesn't have enough power to take home for them at the same time ah we just got sucked into journey to the mysterious island who you was she how are you guys I hate to be you that guy wait a minute I love being that guy but is this how you talk to people you don't know do you go to a party find a stranger and demand a know who they are what is going on I understand they be confused but the last two solid minutes has been all the characters constantly asking a version of this question you're short he's fat she's hot and he's the rock let's move on I am Spencer I'm Spencer yep that's Benson oh yeah I remember that character trait about Spencer being paranoid that hasn't come up since the very beginning of the movie that's how he's ultimately identified as being the real deal I'm an overweight match man sweet I've been looking for a sequel to the hot chick and I finally got it you gotta love the Jumanji game it doesn't even tell you what these marks are Jumanji is a bigger dick than mist at least you could quit mist I have a tattoo I have one too one it's the only explanation that old game machine must have electrocuted man I know Bethenny's annoying and all but it's not like the other two didn't see the hippo coming up the deep blue see her we couldn't give her a heads up it's moose it's not Mouse no good sir I'm quite sure it's Mouse if Nigel can only answer when he's been programmed answer then how does he know to correct Mouse on his name unless this is something the programmers knew it would be a common mistake we need your help what if you think that I checked this letter to make sure that Nigel read this narration 100 percent correctly you're right and he didn't if it wasn't that I just send the narration you can see the bind I'm in Van Pelt assumed dominion over all of Jumanji screeches controlling them then why doesn't he have control over all these humans that are standing around if he bosses his henchmen around sure but Nigel's completely unaffected right and remember the goal he's made the same thing oh here's a map of Jumanji that's curious why didn't he just hand over the map before he got caught in that loop saying the same verse over and over he's going to say the verse again after this anyway well you can't just give us a ride to the statue fridge would be amazing at writing Lord of the Rings why can't we just leave stop the game without doing all this stuff Jack Black it's the only one that's actively trying to mimic his IRL character and it's hilarious once enough this is what I'm good at playing video games it's what I do it's literally the main thing that I do okay fine we saw you playing a game briefly earlier in this movie but there is nothing in this movie that suggests you're a hardcore gamer we've seen you help fridge cheat on his paper more than we've seen you as Wade wants but the problem is there's nothing here what do you mean there's nothing there it's a map just like he said cartography I've got to wonder what a Bethany decided not to go and it was just Spencer fridge and Martha would there be an AI professor Shelley talking with them right now who can read the map hey Leon Tala G what does that even mean a few minutes ago fridge discovered he possessed knowledge he didn't even know he had because of his character but Bethany doesn't know what paleontology is huh strength is my weakness how is strength my weakness this is an excellent question if they still have most of the characteristics of their real-life selves in this universe how do these strengths and weaknesses apply like it's I their only nothing right Mad Max Jumanji Road Jesus but all this firepower even in a game these guys would be toast but apparently the video game revert stew movie rules when it comes to Amy why would the game have this perspective every other shot has been from the viewpoint of one of the main characters so this flash to villain vision is hooey let me see you back inside you're backtracked you have my weapons we haven't even checked the goddamn backpack until now he's been carrying that the entire game get on my back I would rather die on my back no I'm gonna die character says there's no way they will do something only to be doing that very thing in the next scene cliche jeez I'm so tired of seeing the main characters chase through a wooded area and suddenly come upon a cliff in every action movie see also Indiana Jones Pirates of the Caribbean Star Trek the revenant Furious 7 are you saying that we can actually die in here I mean I don't know for sure I'm not sure you're not sure mr. video game genius look I get that fridges frustrated but this kind of an argument even in a movie like this is silly it makes it sound like fridge has zero common sense as if he thinks Spencer gets trapped in games all the time I gotta take a leak first I've been dreading us all day but so do I please tell me one videogame outside of like Leisure Suit Larry where a character has to take a piss in the middle of a mission also this sets up a scene of Bethenny discovering how to pee as a man which is so over long and unfunny that I'm convinced it was originally supposed to be in an animated kids movie I guess jet blacks part was originally meant to be played by Luis he came first on if killing gravestone was so goddamn important to Van Pelt why didn't he go there himself I was something every creature every soldier to hunt them down why haven't you done that already could you say that one more time please with the smaller team you have control of that or is that just happen naturally it just happens naturally okay that got me that's worth it's enough where the hell is Jamaal he's supposed to be I thought we were out in the [ __ ] jungle but this bizarre straight out of late Istanbul it probably just meant that I love cake that couldn't resist it Jumanji somehow I made one of Finbar's weaknesses cake which should probably never come up during the game but somehow it does because the movie overrides the logic of the game and it's hilarious to watch Kevin Hart explode I have this map that like has a missing piece dr. brace stone thank goodness you're here we need to find the missing piece if you're going to make a cartographer the only character who can read the map then why would you make this character completely ignore the only one who can read it and again News playing brave stone if he's not selected what you need is in the basket one false move you're in a casket this riddle reminds me that there's really been none of this since the beginning of the game I wasn't there a rhyme about the hippos of the river or the mighty roar out in the valley yeah the best way to sneak up on the people you're trying to capture is to scream hey at the top of your lungs rock blocking hello doctor been a long time I believe you have something that belongs to me so is Van Pelt's supposed to be British or not because if so I'm not buying this kind of accent for a second stay off the white bricks what and freeze see flame sure does enjoy those dramatic orders even though he could have given them at any time long before now looks like about su plan he must have crawled out of this hole long here's where the movie doesn't seem like they're playing a video game anymore this is a cutscene that the main characters don't get to see and they're discussing very specific details that a game like this wouldn't be able to comprehend man takes actions a video game wouldn't bother what is the old main villain kills one of his henchmen because he screwed up chestnut how else would we know this guy is evil if he didn't do this who's Alan Parrish he's the guy who built this place nice nod to the original but it brings up a lot of questions how did the videogame Jumanji reconcile its world with board game Jumanji video game Jumanji turned into a completely different game with different set of rules namely you can get out of this place if you can get to the end Alan had no such luck because future Bonnie Hunt ran away from the game and the original those keeping him stuck here I realized that with upgrades come different rules but what this game did to Alan Parrish is one of the bigger dick moves I can remember once I got down to my last life I realized I was screwed and then I was never gonna get out of here by myself ok let me take that back Jumanji the video game basically did the same thing to camp rocks Nick Jonas that it did down in Parrish from only this time there was no way to know that other people needed to play the game let's not forget that Jumanji specifically changed into a video game because when Alex wasn't being played by Nick Jonas he said who plays board games I've never once said hey man you need five players for this even bigger dick move the game's objective is to save Jumanji and Jumanji is a colossal [ __ ] half the stuff that came at me I had zero way to deal with now you can't kill a black mom with a margarita then how the hell did Alex get to the transportation shed level or really through any of the levels up till now you're our missing piece you were the thing that we needed to find yeah but the game told them about the missing piece and had they gone in with all the five players what would the missing piece be then also Bethany is right but how is that possible and why would anyone make the connection they'd need to find a fifth character if camp rocked to the final jams Nick Jonas doesn't happen to be wandering around the bazaar after they did the snake challenge they never find this guy unless the game itself somehow made it happen also also there were only four controllers on the console so the game was setting these [ __ ] up for failure from the get-go get past these guards last time I just waited somebody left how long did that take three weeks we find out later these guards are true video game characters who are stuck in some sort of loop so why did they ever leave the post distracting guys is like the main thing I do he plays video games i distract guys she don't exactly have the toolkit not me Bethany basically played a whole new level of pronoun game here but apparently she knew she was in a movie and was ready to make a big dramatic reveal also do they really not have enough weapons to take out two guards pinbar has a whole sack of weapons he could get brave stone and Ruby roundhouse knows all the martial arts okay let's talk about your walk take your time my favorite a woman the Pygmalion Diaries like this I think you're ready this flirt mission literally has no time constraints so why not practice on the rock and Kevin Hart before going down there oh yeah so they can create another funny situation damn I keep forgetting that she's pretty fly and those guys don't meet a lot of new people flaw sure alex is from 1996 but he's also a [ __ ] metalhead according to his room decor and I don't remember any metalheads in 1996 using the word fly to describe a hot girl I'm just saying I'm sure they'd like to get jiggy with us nobody was saying jiggy in 1996 either the word only gained steam in 1998 when Will Smith released getting jiggy wit it from his Big Willie style album hello little lady what are you doing out here all alone how does every NPC in this game not know who Ruby is she's one of only five main characters in the game you guys like it yes it might not be a dance-off but it's still solving problems with dancing which is the odd thing every movie must have nowadays so are these NPCs getting turned on by this they obviously aren't paying attention to their work even though they repeat the same phrase over and over is the power of digital boners greater than the power of surveillance Ruby's strength this dance fighting but is this really it she's not really [ __ ] dancing at all just kicking regular ass with music in the background look good for this henchman role but the xenia onatopp seems like an extremely inefficient fight move that's nice but wouldn't this destroy the helicopter and yet when Spencer throws fruit off the helicopter they all chase after it I don't get you Monty sometimes the solutions are impossible and sometimes they are we too easy also if Van Pelt's still has control of all the animals in Jumanji why can't one of the Rhinos pick up the jewel in its mouth and take it back to it every one of these rhinos has a murder boner that's so strong that they disregard what has to be the most important thing in their universe oh right I know Spencer the rock Gilpin is confident in his catching abilities but what if he misses here the gamble to push fridge out of the chopper was made after seeing that he had two lives left but if fridge falls here he's back among the rhinos and his totally [ __ ] dead man also why would you risk everyone's life for this maneuver I guess they did a recent course on collateral damage in this high school why did they land here even if the map hasn't revealed the ultimate location of the Jaguar they should be flying around looking for it right let's go oh yeah let's not forget they gave this already unlucky character a weakness that gives him a highly likely chance of dying considering the mosquito population in Jumanji this is kinda clever but it's totally random it's more CPR ex machina than something they came up with intuitively I just keep thinking about my poor parents what they must have been through why because I was sitting in my hideout too afraid to finish the game yeah but could you have finish the game without the four other players the movie has been pretty clear that you were once you came in here alone jump squirrel also if you're going to point out that climbing is won a brave stone strengths then I'm compelled to tell you that one of the other strengths is that he is fearless as well so get the [ __ ] out of here with the squirrels a good friend fetch happened with these two to bring them back together as friends they've literally both killed each other this afternoon alone and they're still bickering up until this point this works fridge is able to reason with a wild elephant apparently because he is a zoologist and all zoologist no elephant language I can't give you the jewel because I don't have it geez dude you could have said that a lot earlier it's not like you knew fruits would come crashing through riding an elephant right about now elephant begin the climb it now feels like this movie is just making it up as it goes along the only reason an elephant is here is because a series of random events occurred this jumping is so fake they might as well put Mario sounds with it in fact let's rewind this and do just that I'll take that man Van Pelt's spends an awful lot of time saying give it to me and I'll take that when he could literally walk over and take that or have one of his thousands of animals he controls take that also how do you get up here besides the hit-or-miss Animal Control in Jumanji what are van Pelt powers its movie interested in explaining natch to us is this motorcycle really driving up a steeper rocki almost completely vertical I'm game cheats on where people respawn after their death and puts Martha closer to the Jaguar than she wants before hell of a game too bad it doesn't have much replay value oh no not stuck villain character 118 played by an overqualified actor aka the anti kill monger where's Alex so did they all just walk the hell out of detention because I'm pretty sure they didn't make a dent in those magazine staples Hey look hate to break it to everyone but getting Alex back to his home in 1996 would have changed a lot more than this there's a chance these kids aren't even born when they get back since they effectively changed the past and even the slightest change would have caused some sort of sound a butterfly or Thunder effect hey Dad were you give me a second not only the kids walk up on Alex at the exact minute his expositional minivan shows up he somehow recognizes four adolescents that look nothing like the avatars he played with over 20 years ago Bethany Spencer yeah Ruby Brown house that would make you fridge did he never learn Martha's real name Martha why didn't you say Martha go get that girl doctor gravestone so Bethany has embraced nature and wants to go back packing Spencer and Martha are working on hooking up and coming out of their shells so what's up with fridge is he like gonna do his own homework now I mean it seems like everyone else has some real character growth after the game last time they kissed it was a sloppy pretty much total failure now they're pros on the second try yeah like the hell stop a sequel don't you understand I found a cure for the [ __ ] plague of the 20th century and now I've lost don't understand the obsession with throwing the ball new hoop and Oh touchdown five points hello doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor doctor the fourth dimension will collapse upon itself you stupid [ __ ] welcome to detention you have exactly eight hours and 54 minutes to think about why what happens if we use up all our lives well usually that would mean Bethenny you're a girl

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 5,910,279

Rating: 4.8534732 out of 5

Keywords: wave jockey job, review, mistakes, jumanji welcome to the jungle, cinema sins, eww, movie, jumanji, the rock, cinemasins, welcome to the jungle

Id: PLk3ul66pTw

Length: 19min 8sec (1148 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 30 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This video was reuploaded to remove the Guns N Roses song. It got copyright flagged because of that.

[u/Dr_Midnight]

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