Everything Wrong With The Great Wall In 20 Minutes Or Less

the universal logo gets in gets out and gets on with its life obviously aware of what a turret it's distributing domestically that's seriously the fastest the universal logo has gone by and like 15 years or so I'd be thankful if their Shan weren't so obvious Comcast reading movie should have given my 7th grade paper entitled the Great Wall of China the mystery the majesty and the legend a partial writing credit maybe it will also get a c-minus for my social studies teacher we were the strongest remember why you're here what does that accent Matt Damon's doing I have unless four dead twice movie continues the story of the revenant land thinks we can't tell the difference between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio and while I admit it's super tough to distinguish the two of them I'm one of the people on earth who can a bunch of whatever and in the first six minutes this movie's already deciding it's not going to show us anything and edit it sloppily this is how fifth graders shoot movies when they don't have access to makeup and special effects what's your Excuse I don't know and nobody making the movie now is either so these two guys survived is something and just keep riding like they didn't start out with a dozen men and I'm mostly pissed at this point at how little this movie's characters seem to care about killed friends long wait this is a cool visual I'll grant you but why the would you waste this many arrows on a show of strength move holy that's Prince Oberyn from Game of Thrones slumming his ass off here in the Chinese attempt at a Hollywood blockbuster everyone in this movie is better than this decent visual but why are there so many goddamn soldiers stacked and lined up in this castles hallways like build the hallways bigger if they're going to be commonly filled with this many bodies great wall commander is conveniently hot so that I'll keep watching this where was it found you speak English super common for ancient Chinese female warrior leaders to speak English duh Matt Damon Yahoo Zuko that's the tongue I taught you this movie is already knocking off Game of Thrones the creatures they're about to face from the north are essentially the White Walkers and the guy who played Oberyn Martell is right next to Matt Damon and Matt Damon acted in the same movie as Sean Bean one time and winter is coming strategist Wang is the best accidental band name ever why are you here we came to trade ah sudden Willem Dafoe also does the movie seriously need this many white people this is an ex knocking attack right here they're just about to decide whether to kill these two English speakers and suddenly they get attacked throw dudes in the stockade so they can later learn English speakers know how to fight monsters let them out to help in the battle the end Jesus Christ this film was written by a 12 year old I don't want to all over ancient China but how many war drummers do they really need and who said war drummers need to be elaborately dressed [Music] this idiot keymaster is the reason why Matt Damon will be fighting monsters instead of sitting in a prison cell destiny is when you have tens of thousands of trained Chinese fighters in a battle they've been preparing for their whole lives against monsters but a simple mistake Lau's one white guy to turn a tie you to prisoners we very nearly executed she'll stand here on the command deck while the battle happens because we subconsciously already realized we super need your help wait are all the girls soldiers dressed in this bright blue armor are we segregating in this army by color black are the foot soldiers right those are the archers easily distinguishable by not only their red clothing but all the archery stuff in the blue what the hell do they do well if I go back in history they're the ones with the lightning kick and the spinning bird kick and sometimes they taught you by saying want to see my kung-fu I'll show you so rest easy also they throw Spears apparently which is for some reason they sexually segregated war school in the society well you just saw this same already I get this movie wants to have its calm before the storm pre battle moment but set off all the urge at battle alarms if you all got ready but still had to wait for the enemy for a while discount fiery marble madness according to this movie the Great Wall is five thousand five hundred miles long but this movie is still focusing on just this one section of the wall am I to believe the other five thousand four hundred forty nine miles of this wall or under similar attack this entire movie or that they just didn't consolidate forces well enough on this one section to end this attack quickly movie focuses on one single slow-motion projectile that will hit its target true cliche sure thing boss those are easy to see and target from here also the monsters have video game weak spots I knew this movie had mystical elements and monsters but I didn't realize they would be hilariously stupid Crocky fauna sources with faux hawks also yes if you're not catching my drift done totally mocking the creature design here as it appears to be laziest movie once so bad to be helms deep it forgot that it had half the talent and one-tenth the budget but still went through with things while watching these blue badasses of hotness bungee jump off the wall and killing some of the monsters is kind of cool it seems super inefficient the killing what a handful of these bastards at a time um humans cannot operate regular ropes fast enough for them to serve as Bungie Scott damned movie is offensive even without Matt Damon's involvement no seriously I've only watched 20 minutes of this dirt and I'm soaking mad about the regular ropes being pulled fast enough to service bungee cords thing I'm ready to add 1000 sins and give them up on this movie I can't do that because it's not ethical to our formula and format but pop Jesus I really want to more than ever before this is a flaming bag of poo on the front porch of your life stamp it out and you only get flaming poo all over your shoes and pants oh they got one took them long enough and suck at being a threat if this is the first one of these dangling human being fishing lures they've managed to catch let's talk about the great wall plan for a moment we're going to super over staff the drumming department because we love sound then we're going to staff the top of the wall with tons of archers and these flaming meteor propellers and all the projectile weapons you can think of then we're gonna create these platforms and get these ladies some killer Spears and use rope and human strength to create a bungee effect where they dive down into close quarters with the enemy and stab them manually do I have that right there's only one group going down to attack in person and it's the old ladies battalion this movie offers me so many paths for sitting I can barely choose that's sad because all these rings represent how stupid those attacks are yeah over there why isn't a tiger guy not playing Prince Oberyn will be excellent at cinema sins there's an escape yes that one human can definitely help you escape this million-person battle of course he can camera swoop over subpar CGI that does nothing for nobody here's the sentence I'd never thought I'd say but here we go this movie totally rips off World War Z God and these drummers get as much screen time as Matt Damon does good thing that was one guy randomly walking around the wall who could cut William loose I'm going to venture that this is wound to foes only reason for being in this movie after seeing this movie yeah I totally stand by that statement I don't run run away so you're just begging to be freed so you can die in this battle how about you run on anywhere the opposite side of the wall how does William know that the command to go for the eyes was yelled in Mandarin and he hasn't been able to see any part of the battle and the only experience he had fighting these things was when he cut off an arm so the [ __ ] is he an expert at monster fighting all of a sudden Matt Damon action star through editing ladies and gentlemen also if he was so good at catching a spear in midair and attacking a monster he really should have aim for the eye since he's such an expert at killing these things at all the scraping sound you hear is actually the sound of Matt Damon's bank account trying to keep up with the massive influx of money from appearing in this film it turns out it made a good sound effect for this scene as well and everyone was pleased he's purple close-combat [ __ ] here in the background or useless literally not one of the moves movie will now make fake mythical alle gremlins somehow subject to the same keep waving bias as standard earth bolts for some reason this is monster talk for this movie needs to be feature-length so let's go backlog a few more hours in the simulator and attack again later hang us now I could use the rest who's trying les here the screenwriters are Damon what's he looking at hopes not some cliche Mirabal call me when they can get me under the - OH medium Bushido French and the dealer huh how so these [ __ ] didn't do anything special the only real advantage they had was having large numbers they're not Raptors they weren't systematically looking for weaknesses in the perimeter fence hi I'm Willem Dafoe and I introduced myself by sticking a torch near your face while you're sleeping instead of simply saying hi I'm Willem Dafoe you may recognize me from such films as nymphomaniac volume 2 spider-man to speed to cruise control and platoon I came with mercenaries for the same thing 25 years ago hmm okay but the people of the great wall we're about to imprison William and Tovar indefinitely until their heroics so what exactly did this guy do to be able to walk around so freely the powers that be at the great wall interrupt dinner so that William can show his inner katniss everdeen talk about some Hunger Games am i right right okay first of all some King Bulls Legolas saw this and said cough mate second of all he shot all those arrows within 1.5 seconds of each other but then the last two took way longer to arrive on scene than the first one that tipped the ball third of all I hate this movie I hate this scene writing assignment and I hate Matt Damon Oberyn Martell is either doing exactly what I'm doing right now or he's mocking me wait he was just standing up right next to Damon but in the three seconds since he walked over to a bench sat down and then got bored enough to yawn you know what I think I think you're afraid movie stops dead in its tracks oh that William and Lynn can bungee flirt a taste a glimpse a few pilfered grains from strategist Wong's supply of black powder every time they say strategist Wang I picture a hand of the King on Game of Thrones tossing his dick on a giant table sized warm out in the doors you have keys they have black powder enough for several doors why didn't Ballard escape during the first monster attack was he so curious about William and Tovar he couldn't carry out the plan I know the monsters attacked early but it seems like this dude's been thinking about this for a long time like 25 years why didn't he take the opportunity that there was an emperor whose greed brought deep suffering to all of China luckily to prove this guy's point historical Scrolls adorn this entire war room so that you can give William visual aids the heaven sent to meet you that struck Col Moncton they could also just are calling this guy an exposition astray from that day on the tower rise every 60 years they're like really patient locusts they come to remind us of what happens when greed is unchecked also she depends on her soldiers to feed her later Wang tells them that everyone who goes to hunt these things never returns so how has anyone been able to observe these monsters to know this much about them oh shoot it's common knowledge that soldiers on horseback at least in the melee weapon age are better at fighting than soldiers on foot so why after noting something was off does this general dude command everyone to dismount and yes they do this shield formation thing just look at that not one of these people behind the shields can see jack or she including the general this is the stupidest [ __ ] investigate something weird formation in the history of earthly militaries this might have worked if they didn't scream to announce their presence and after the general was bitten stuff happened maybe the creatures got away maybe they were killed by the remaining soldiers we'll never know that's kind of sad since this movie cares more about trying to make me sad that this asshat is dying than it does the action it promised from the outset goddammit so the first attack they filled almost no intelligence and then on the second surprise attack they get points for being somewhat intelligent but they screw it up these monsters need to show a hell of a lot more intelligence before anyone admits to under estimating it this death scene would be way more powerful this guy had been given any real character also holy SH this movie made 170 million in China like China 8 to stop I wonder do only the soldiers nearby get to mourn the general or did everyone abandon the entire five thousand mile wall to come to this funeral yes I'm still harping on this because the movies biggest problem which is saying something is how it wants to make all the action take place on one small section of a wall that is undeniably far too long for this movie to make sense seriously this movie wastes a ton of time this is all for a character we saw in a couple scenes and never got to know movie has given us one battle we already saw it done better in the two towers in World War Z and the rest has been bungee jumping in funerals it's a tout a are so intelligent why don't they attack now well everyone is in super not battle ready morning gear and posture by the way this is a colossal cheat in movies when you do these floating death lanterns that looks absolutely gorgeous how can you hate something that looks so pretty they're here to say forget your issues with this movie these lanterns will call new times and leave that magnet what's the reason two of you Westerners killed the town so easily you really doesn't show what's so special about the town today that they couldn't be killed so easily they have a video game weak spot they aren't ninjas there's just a lot of them that's their only skill you can't believe the magnet makes the town a deaf without the instruction they fall still so they're the aliens from Independence Day then excellent also if these people knew magnets caused such a thing and have known this for 900 years why hasn't most of their time been spent trying to find or create magnets they have 60 years between attacks to look for putting magnets by my math that's 15 generations of monster attacks that went magnet was magnets man how do they work also what happened to the great magnet to help kill those beasts 900 years ago man how can we be sure why not try it yeah that's a great idea we should try something to see if it works why didn't anyone think of this trying before it's an emoji Tom if you got some sort of potion that might possibly put these monsters to sleep why isn't this in mass production why haven't you been throwing Coldren to this at the creatures I mean Jesus they're making all these hunt and capture atonte preparations like imminent but looking at this fog over the wall it's literally impossible they saw one coming but convenient since they need to catch one of these creatures using their new magnet effect the idea that these listening horns would do any measurable bit of good you there's no way the creature was that silent running up the wall then started screaming like a useless dick and even Matt Damon's more conscience is phoning it in here ah harpoons I love how in this second major battle they unveil all these weapons they never even tried using in the first battle like the harpoons and the dudes on ropes running down the wall to fight hand a hand and the scissor cutting in wall blades I wonder what they're gonna save for the third battle okay he's doing his I've decided to do the right thing here Oh a walk fine are all these opposite direction marching [ __ ] doing where are they going Damon says they need to isolate the creature from the others she yells ring a fire and immediately a bunch of catapults launch fiery things and somehow surround the targeted tout a even though no one ever told the Ring of Fire people where to fame they land that up before the battle and it ended up being perfect these [ __ ] shoot arrows into the fog and somehow completely miss William which is insanely lucky [Applause] he did not have time to do that also two of our shows up out of [ __ ] nowhere to save William how did he know where to go let's follow the edge and I don't think he climbed down the chain to get here cuz it's it's not every day the movie itself goes so far out of its way to point out the scene where it crosses the line so he's right that she's listening cool story bro but her immediately calling for black-powder weapons instead of a rescue squad what message did she think he was sending when he fired those whistling arrows back up at her and yep they are blind firing super deadly explosive firework weapons through a fog into an area where they know the dudes there trying to protect her standing that's actually what's happening right now and sure you could argue she doesn't care about the two white men below maybe she doesn't but she's still ultimately facing a legion of tout a and ostensibly trying to capture one of them here so how is firing bomb arrows down here supposed to help her side in any way she might kill the white guys that know more than they do and she might kill the specimen they're trying to capture so what gives I know very little of the outside world you know besides mostly perfect English forget what I have seen this is my mantra for most movies I want [Music] come on this thing was supposedly drugged by a tip arrow and the best you could do while it was under was put him in a small cage he could easily roll over and not bind his arms and legs you didn't chain it up or hit it with even more drugged arrows I'm embarrassed for you and how inept you aren't doing things seems like this could maybe have been done in the field of battle and they wouldn't have had to go through all the trouble of capturing one of these [ __ ] but experiment to prove what has already proved as experiment much braver than they think lies protagonist still two characters and movies to see more protagonists II also is the real reason they underestimate this guy really bravery or is it because he's stupid and clumsy find this point killing kill just cut me I'm not chasing us that is sage I'm wondering does it take very long to kill somebody also does it take the entire army to kill somebody simply if they have enough people to do both things can't be a multitask so there's the third time these [ __ ] have mentioned how they've underestimated the intelligence of these creatures the question is once they realize they have underestimated the intelligence just how much intelligence do they give them credit for how do they qualify you can't keep low-balling them on intelligence and be surprised when they jump the bar see if it's gone out is it safe of course it is please don't comic leaks god damn it this is the first time Ballard's ever been in this room and yet he knew he could cut a rope and have something heavy fallen oil it just happens to be in the right spot I don't even know why they bothered to tie whatever this is in the manner that they did but it seems to exist only because the script says it does they shall know humming so those are cool well mildo song dog so were they afraid that if they didn't attack the wall somebody would have wandered down here and found the tunnel or is the process of tunnel digging so loud they needed the cover of war to dig it Eugene de su Hoboken shows you except magnets well man peace it seemed funny there's no better successful test though then when you really need them to work for the plot hey let's take this thing we barely even captured and that flipped this metal cage all over the place on top of the wall all the way into our kingdom to meet our teen ruler raise your hand if you love that idea as much as I do I tried to stop there to speak to me so do they really think that William tried to steal black powder and then like a doofus got beat over the head by a hanging bag of doodads in the process manufactured conflict is manufactured Wow shocker Willem Dafoe's character was in it for himself all along still know what he needed with William or Tovar but man what a dick I am appalled oh look there are a bunch of these Hindenburg contraptions taking flight at once and yet somehow this movie is going to end with the humans victorious is there a chance that's only one kill the Queen starship troopers in the house y'all tell the world what you have seen and tell them what this coming they will definitely believe your story and immediately start mass production of magnets Damon hex not gonna also is he riding an eagle here I do I just still have lotr PTSD to deal with let's do it entirely new information though in Australia these tight a Minion's circle the queen in the opposite direction this guy is still around trotting on a horse super slowly and carrying this dynamite thing and it says a lot about this movie that I have no recollection of how he got here even though that was like 10 minutes ago the Bourne Captain America yes suicide hero guy saves the day but probably also kills all of his friends if you care about physics but this movie clearly does not care about physics so hmm I guess Addison because I'm so exhausted and nothing is more to blame than this movie we'll go to the Queen it's done it should it will here's where I start railing against these [ __ ] movies where the threat is hive mind it it's so [ __ ] boring kill the queen or the mothership or the head vampire it's too [ __ ] easy make a threat with some diversity [ __ ] this Guard is going to let the underling into the hive even though he's got a bunch of bomb strapped to his back and while they may not know what bombs are I've been told I've vastly underestimated their intelligence that have returned so this magnet can be thrown from all the way down here and still attract to the little bit of metal all the way up here then surely it has more power than the nine feet we were told earlier so the second time in a row movie will pad the runtime with a you think he got it but the enemy will foil it at the last second scene dumb ass stupid idiotic [ __ ] bungee attack is going to win the day not since Shia and crystal skull as a movie character swinging on a vine offended me so personally William and Lyn survived this I could take the black powder or I could take you if I were in William shoes I would have proposed a third option general Lin's baby what is words Wix deal with white guys coming in to save Asian cultures first The Last Samurai then Love & Other Drugs and now this jambalaya winter is coming gende tales of a legendary warrior whose kung-fu skills were the stuff of legend a comparative [Music] there will be your champion if I'm to join you I'll need my bow my ops chief tribes tis no man tis a remorseless eating machine it was hard to know who was more crazy [Music] [Music]

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 6,059,971

Keywords: great wall, everything wrong with, review, cinema sins, wave jockey job, cinemasins, the great wall, mistakes, matt damon, film, eww, movie

Id: QYvh1Cr0yII

Length: 20min 43sec (1243 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 01 2017