Everything Wrong With Battle Los Angeles In 18 Minutes Or Less

an unprecedented meteor shower falling off it's not an alien invasion movie without hearing a cacophony of reporters at the beginning of it right now one thing is clear the world is at War oh good then we can dust off our grainy battle stock footage all breaches were along the coastline the worst part about this alien attack is all those Nebraskans sitting there looking all smug and this is the first of many shots of military personnel who have access to classified information watching theing news to see what's happening massive casualties in New York defensive lines are being set up in Boston so are there no massive casualties in Boston then it's a coastal city too if they're already that good at repelling the alien threat I'd rather be watching a movie called battle Boston although I'm sure they'd find some way to set the finale in Fenway wait is the title of this movie Battle Los Angeles with a colon or the way it's shown here which makes me think the movie is asking me to battle Los Angeles Reading California the use of California Love in a action movie would cause Tupac to roll over in his grave if he were actually dead you know what to say you're only as old as you feel St Ser that's what I'm worried about I can't feel the damn thing what the [ __ ] does that mean this isn't an idiom or a joke or a turn of phrase It's Nance revealing an Ajax like immunity to pain what happened to that picture of us in Iraq with that Camel I mean your girlfriend hahaa we are bonding you and I we make insult of each other yes also that's pretty racist I did my 20 I know when to get out me another story about an almost retired vet that's pulled into action on his last days of work this movie should just be called no sin city for falling down into hell or high water also seven had to make some tough calls there mind especially that last one we all wish your men made it home there was a scenario by which we didn't wish your men made it home but that's a way different movie with darker more interesting Exposition they got the rest of him in a package deal but the producers really only hired Aaron Art's chin for this movie Heavy what are you doing busting your balls tomorrow we shop for cakes I don't care how close these two dudes are what is Stavro doing shopping with har and his fiance this isn't like tagging along on a trip to Target they're shopping for wedding flowers man this shot is so Peter Berg I thought for sure Peter Berg did this movie but he didn't so what an odd choice of director to emulate I've always wanted to make movies like peterg here's girl is making a dude organize his entire wedding two weeks before we deploy movie thinks that if it gives these Short character introductions that we're going to give two about them once the battle Los Angeles starts happening I'm sure this is a touching moment but I'm too distracted by the way they're shooting this like it's a Voyer video to really care now this guy over here Mr lenan hey his mom signed so he could join up to 17 thankfully Lance corporal Exposition is at this party to guide us through the rest of the Squadron hey did you like independence day but wanted less interesting characters and a super generic alien threat then have I got the movie for you I'm bringing you back to the company Mike they need you they need one guy who just basically retired I know it's patriotic to think one man can turn the tide in a war like this but come on of course we know he's going to make a difference because he's Aaron eart but the characters in this movie don't know that staff sergeant Beck is being replaced by staff sergeant Nance later we find out that Beck is on leave so I guess they didn't need Beck on this Mission even though it's all Hands-On deck he's a goddamn no good ass as my grandpa used to say moving you up to squad leader seriously I didn't give a [ __ ] about these guys before but movie wants me to keep up with these characters promotions now we're been called in help with an evacuation Lieutenant cuz these meteors I assume so I realize that not every officer has briefed on the details of the mission but shouldn't Martinez have some idea about why he was called in now these Central objects are all the same geometric shape they appear mechanical in nature they're almost like I don't know battleships of some sort directed A year later by holy peterg combat situation it's what I've been training for I certainly hope so if they made you lieutenant I hope it's not because you've been training for fry cook at McDonald's there are people and reporters hanging out on a beach where a meteor is about to hit the ocean look I know people are stupid but what this malfunctioning camera is able to self-edit and get extreme close-ups of the victims in this attack I know it's good television but these are [ __ ] Marines you'd think they'd be standing there with their dicks in their hands watching TV they were just told to move out even though all these soldiers are getting to see an unfiltered look at the Invasion the movie decides to go with this wildly cut found footage route cutting in soldiers reactions and really when it comes down to it making the movie a mess and pissing me off we also have PFC lenan who's our second best Marksman just behind Lance corpal Guerrero um this information is virtually worthless is there a scenario by which you wouldn't have your first and second best Marksman on this Mission and if they weren't coming doesn't somebody else become the first and second best Marksman in their place and why wouldn't you lead your discussion with the best Marksman I feel like this was just a worthless way of saying we've got some guys who are great at shooting on this team as you may have heard already staff sergeant Nance will be taking over for staff sergeant Beck because staff sergeant Beck is a piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] as my kid brother used to say in kindergarten you got a silver star my brother came home in a box I feel like this is a very good reason why AR eart shouldn't be on this particular team aliens roll sorry it's been a long week I can understand why a marine would be reading the Bible before going into battle but this Bible is hilariously over diagrammed he has the word for in parenthesis has marked out most of the pronouns for some reason and is underlining random phrases my dearest wife if I die tell staff sergeant Beck he's a hedonistic douchebag piece of monkey spunk also I love you and take care the kid don't marry anyone else damnn I guess they got here too late for battle Orange County the director enjoyed the born Trilogy and end of watch but felt like the camera work was a little too steady most of Santa Monica's been clear to civilians [ __ ] what Santa Monica has like 990,000 residents not including tourists and people who wanted to look at the meteor shower they cleared that out in a couple hours just gather survivors and you radio in we'll have helicopters in the area to evacuate you out why not send the [ __ ] helicopters right now you mean you have to send a group of elite fighters to Saving Private Ryan through downtown Los Angeles instead of some quick air support it must be a metaphorical bomb drop for it to be in quotes like this like really it's an insult comic coming to the scene to spit racial slurs at the aliens civilians are being stranded Behind Enemy Lines all the cameras in the area are shaky and on auto zoom please take precautions this gritty neorealistic Alien Invasion movie is brought to you by Domino's Domino's for when you got to have it delivered quick cuz you're about to die nice and easy these guys just walked out of a full-on war zone it couldn't be more than a/ quarter mile away but just got real quiet because we need some manufactur t and answers right now one thing is clear the world is at War the radio is still playing in this car even though it's not running and the door is open and if the battery is still working why isn't this dead asshole's head making the horn bler it's just a dog dog dog dog what's his name huh Glenn Marines take a break from their incredibly dangerous and times sensitive mission to learn this dog's name I'm sure it's a good dog but if I were in this group that dog can go to hell what do you want to call man this movie's got a long time without a jump scare cliche so maybe I should take off a [ __ ] everything these shots in this editing represents these aliens were trained at the finest Stormtrooper School of aiming guns yelling aliens excitement man it's a great thing that every interior room in this movie has an expositional TV that's not only working but has an excellent cable connection I love how every single shot of news in this movie also has to show you how badly the Dow Jones is doing during the middle of this Alien Invasion where's L anybody got on l oh no one of the 30 guys from the Squadron that we were introduced to a few minutes ago not him washing machine machine buzzes for no goddamn reason other than to be a jump scare unless someone decided they needed to put a wash in during the Alien Invasion look I understand Lenahan is freaked out and wounded but this is a trained soldier that should never leave cover for a wide open space like this I guess the movie was finally ready to show us some aliens alone alien is alone does that mean that he's an alone or aonian help me out here guys Cannonball also what the this alien had the element of surprise and Point Blank Range at this point I wonder if the aliens are actively trying to miss streets clear so everyone's generally okay then they survived a Precision attack that included an ambush from high ground and are all back together with enough health and ammo to continue the mission I mean it's sinful as sh but it's also kind of awesome USA USA Tech Sergeant Elena Santos Air Force after Linda Hamilton hit her 50s all badass female roles in Hollywood were automatically assigned to Michelle Rodriguez 10 burn and bound 25 minutes sir first off can you be a little more specific wouldn't you want to know the exact time left before the rescue helicopter arrives also 10 minutes ago random Marine number four yelled 25 M 25 M so I'd synchronize those swatches if I were you m po smoke wait the optimal signaling of the chopper is to throw more smoke out there what about like a flare or something yeah the Smoke's blue but it's already Smoky as sh around here us the Marines consider the most comfortable introduction to a civilian is to scream loudly while pointing a rifle at them it's in the manual and everything movie introduces Michelle Rodriguez Michael Peña and Bridget morahan at the 40-minute Mark these secondary characters are played by actors so famous there's a really good chance that Tom Brady one of these people in his lifetime officials are now saying any civilian within 10 miles of the coast should try to make their way to a military forward operating base who cares the Dow Jones is under 5,000 now we're doomed that one out front looks like a leaders so now they got leadership yep we can definitely assume a clear chain of alien command by the location of this one alien butthole when you invade a place for its resources you wipe out the indigenous population those are the rules of any colonization luckily CNN was was able to get Dr melen colonization on air in perfect time for some Global Exposition we have a situation y'all need to follow me is there ever a time when this type of dialogue is more useful than just telling people what the is going on damn it this movie had conceptual promise but now it's just sperming out cliche after cliche we need to know exactly where to hit this thing maybe I can help I'm a veterinarian there's no frontal lob no temporal L you can already tell the alien doesn't have those things you just opened the up 5 seconds ago right this is our last shot hopefully all the aliens you encounter will be half dead and you can tear them open at will to get to their hearts this got to be it it's done and I know this because it's not making that Star Wars Pod racer sound effect anymore that's how we kill this thing to the right of where the heart would be Jesus how did you figure that out so quickly how are you supposed to aim right to the heart when they all have that protection that one dude shot the alien by the pool over a 100 times and he apparently missed that spot because the came back out of the water like Jason in the first Friday the 13th movie I got three more you can also explode the aliens to death so no need to worry about their weak spot I don't know how this bus is supposed to drive through roads and avoid aliens when we've seen all the roads are like parking lots at this point turn off that radio they're tracking our signals turn it off okay fine the aliens are tracking their signals but why haven't they destroyed satellites carrying CNN and of course HBO wouldn't this Invasion go down better without an informed public or do the aliens think CNN is fake news the alien ship decides not to destroy this bus because hey they might need that later for parties and ah look it's ridiculous that he made that perfect of a grenade throw but I'm really more annoyed by how close these ships already get to the gas pump with open flames on their thrusters but they don't at night Nance survives this only choice take the freeway and be sure to keep it above 50 mph for God's sake all right well it's your call in case you didn't know from the 17 other instances in this movie Lieutenant Martinez is the one in charge despite staff sergeant Nance having more experience there's never been one conflict surrounding this other than the brief exchange at the beginning also why would the freeway not also be completely blocked this is Mother Los Angeles the freeway is packed at 3:00 a.m. on a Tuesday but open during an alien invasion well ain't this Squadron a temporal aity 25 minutes away from everything movie saves money by telling the assistant director to go to any LA freeway you can think of right now to get footage of burning cars it was kind of the doomed La drivers to form a decent path for this bus before they died hang on why are they headed west they were just in Santa Monica on 10th Street so either they're headed straight into the ocean which is the exact opposite of safety or they're going to the Santa Monica airport which is only West in opposite world the hell are you doing you guys need another gun way to go Michelle Rodriguez I mean why would there ever be a reason for somebody not to be helping right now unless you're that guy from hacksaw Ridge are you seeing bullets hitting the right side of where the hard should be cuz I don't but yay we're winning no doubt that this is some powerful Weaponry here but it looks cumbersome as you have to push this thing down a street why isn't this a vehicle this thing is more Awkward than the Walkers and Empire Strikes Back how many down P down one to go honestly this action scene has been cut to to death so much he could have said any number and I'd have no choice but to believe him with all this going on I am reminded that they needed to get out of the area in 25 minutes and while only 6 minutes have passed since then this battle has really gone on for way longer and the bomb should already be dropping unless you're saying what we're watching is real time which means youve turned the tied against an alien force in 6 minutes and that's sinful as seriously how is this any different from shooting the alien by the pool earlier you're telling me this guy missed but John Q civilian was able to knock one out with a couple of bullets and I know they know where to shoot now but it's basically no different from what happened to the pool alien that kept surviving all the bullets got get no not again is trying hard to make me care about n's backstory instead of focusing on Aliens blowing up this is Lieutenant William Martinez Echo company second Battalion fifth Marines okay this movie doesn't look like a typical Alien Invasion or war movie so I had higher hopes than seeing a bland generic cliche Fest but it's totally generic right down to the officer sacrifices himself to kill the baddies and save the unit cliche and since it fooled my ass into thinking it might be different I'm going to add 10 more sins for the subterfuge the fact that Bridget Moran's character is named Michelle and the idea that Michelle Monahan could have taken her place halfway through the movie without me noticing is much more entertaining than watching this movie We're still half a click inside the bombing Zone can you believe that only took 10 minutes felt like more didn't it urah did he just leave the lieutenant back there to die sure look that way even though everyone's going to die in oh probably 25 minutes or so Marines again waste time speculating on n's backstory looting we're estimating that 20 cities in 17 countries are now Under full attack but our cable operation in these cities remain remarkably intact I know we can't believe it either yeah and if we wipe it out we take out their air power aliens have one main ship that controls everything cliche aliens run the same Playbook as vampires kill the head vampire they all die nobody in this Advanced alien race ever heard of not putting your larv all in one basket hey they should have dropped yeah if the bombs didn't drop at the immediate moment to which you had your watch's time then they aren't going to drop the bombs I understand the military at least tries to be precise but come on it could be a minute or too late right all right one alternate extraction set is still operational according to this map that may not be accurate anymore due to the passage of time Mr ringcon is dead oh no that's sad that guy was so Michael Peña it hurts so much to see people who exhibit the properties of Michael Peña die we got to be brave for the others because Marines don't quit luckily for the morale of the Squadron this emotional Michael Bay ask monologue takes place at a time when no Marines are otherwise Marin you getting us out too staff sent or are we expended we interrupt this Alien Invasion military movie to bring you a very special episode of mash they're dead I'm here like the punch line to some bad joke is that the punch line to any joke we have 11 passengers requesting evacuation at alternate extraction Point Charlie the aliens were monitoring the radio signals early in the movie but I guess they got bored and stopped listening to these fools discussed the alternative extraction point over the open Airwaves you ever see what a bush Master chain gun can do just Sergeant a fully loaded weaponized vehicle was left behind on this fob alien raid even though they killed every [ __ ] on the base even aliens haven't evolved enough to realize that that they need to shoot the godamn tires strange that none of the aliens have one of those Imperial Walker things they have back at the bridge that seemed to be fairly useful technology that they forgot when they set up this bace I got that nasty stuff all over my mouth man it's not funny you let him do you on the first day Michael Pena is dead let's get us home and by home I mean some military base where we'll stay temporarily until the aliens decide to attack Inland we're abandoning Los Angeles the taxes are just tooing High and the traffic is a nightmare this is a letter for Martinez's wife will you get it to her I thought after Martinez died I might have a chance with her now I just want her to know how I feel oh wait that's Martinez's letter isn't it holy there wasn't one bit of suspense to this scene now the action's going into hyperdrive and it's dark the editor has film Cuts all over his hands from all the cutting is doing even though the footage is probably digital the camera operator drank 10 shots of Red Bull cappuccino lat and the director stayed home with an illness during the shooting this scene also stealth isn't really part of these alien squads game they've just been blasting fools left and right but here they're able to sneak up right on a gang of highly trained military personnel without a peep the alien Command Center conveniently pokes its head outside over the street so the good guys will be able to kill it easier I mean seriously they went to the trouble of putting this thing underground but left a wide open hole and couldn't even fit the entire thing down there we're right over there command AET which is completely unguarded above ground also I really don't know if they were in the sewers long enough for night to become day you don't know either and I bet you $10 movie doesn't know right of the heart right right of the heart I'm pretty sure you already knew that considering you were there when Nance made that Discovery I feel like this is a reminder to the audience or it might have been a note left in the margins by the screenwriter to remind the director about some theyd totally been glossing over until now also this how to kill an alien detail that seemed super important to the plot earlier hasn't been used once until this moment all the aliens fire their usual guns when we've seen them use much better Tech throughout the movie but they probably know it's the end so they gave up on doing anything smart or skillful you know what all the action in this movie is befitting of the director who gave us the Texas Chainsaw Massacre the Beginning Wrath of the Titans and the first remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that's you did it these [ __ ] prematurely celebrate so much they should work for NASA Advanced alien weapons somehow keep missing the easy target with aing laser coming out of it even though the missile was in the area and the soldiers on the ground noticed it coming in and it took forever to get that laser pointed at the alien ship this missile still hits its Target you did it killed my brother I mean not controlling the drones anymore yeah but there was a ton of those big soldiers on the ground and I bet plenty of them are still around this area alone also they only took out the one Center in Los Angeles so I assume they'll have to Independence Day the method of Victory to the other countries via Moors code me Nance is already using his pistol here which should be hilariously incompetent in this fight by the way but is shown abandoning his rifle in the next shot then going to the pistol realizing a nart didn't look badly enough in the last closeup the makeup Department went with the dirt and blood bukach look for the flight back to base word how you brought this ship down it's going out to every Army in every city so they too will have to find the command center and hope that a big piece of it is hanging out in broad daylight and that bombing it will cause the command center to start flying out in the open and then the soldiers on the ground will also have to get very lucky to point the laser just so I mean it's a piece of cake really got in give me everything tonight yo sta son promise me you won't let me be taken Alive by some Godless Predator From Another World staff sergeant no promises in combat you either die hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain had to make some tough calls there m Target should be clear you're going low enough you'll have to decide you'll have to decide you'll have to decide C you see across street I ain't even here Sergeant I'm going show you and wyomi stay on or get off get off I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city keeping its speed over 50 I think it was called the bus that couldn't slow down go captain my captain go captain my captain thank you boys thank [Applause] you all right I'm telling you it don't get no better than this we've been coming at the same party for 12 years now and in no way is that depressing okay I was at a wine tasting with my cousin onesto which was mainly red and you know I don't love reds man you know but there was a rosé that saved the day it was delightful you getting us out too Staff Sergeant or are we Expendable what we some kind of Suicide Squad

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,226,163

Keywords: review, everything wrong with, Battle LA, aliens, cinemasins, cinema sins, eww, mistakes, movie, wave jockey job, Battle Los Angeles

Id: Y6932spn3SY

Length: 19min 48sec (1188 seconds)

Published: Tue May 16 2017