Everything Wrong With Captain Marvel In 16 Minutes Or Less

[Music] never much like the Stanley cameos and definitely don't like logos but this is goddamn touching but while we're on the subject of opening logos for movies let's frame it this way imagine buying the new Taylor Swift album but before you can hear me you have to first listen to 20 seconds of a universal music group audio jingle it would probably be rocking and full of tight harmonies but it would still forever be 20 seconds of norway's standing between you and your music that's what opening studio logos do for movies place my hands so angry oh my god they give us the name of the city the description of that city's importance and then a third line with an utterly incomprehensible series of letter and number characters do you know what time it is Jesus Marvel movies young Dumbledore young Pope Sherlock Holmes is there any beloved institution that Jude Law hasn't infiltrated anything you know funny how I was thinking the same thing about this chatty friendly fight scene which happens in every movie there's nothing dangerous warrior an emotion not even a nuclear weapon a landmine sharp sword sniper's bullet jagged rocks meat from a plant that once had an e.coli outbreak control your impulses so easy miss start using this there's so much goddamn pedantic mansplaining in the beginning of this movie that I fast forwarded to the end where Carol blasts the Balrog and watched it three times in a row future VR requires artificial tendrils that get to know you better than your spouse just because it looks kind of cool doesn't make it practical so the burrito supreme searches your thoughts and becomes the person that you're closest to before communicating I mean contact got murdered for doing that at the end of the movie so long the scrolls have invaded yet another border planet this time Topher already lost me dude if you think for one minute I'm getting all this down plus the three or four other names organizations planets he mentions in this briefing you sadly overestimate my ability to give it well marvel do you read me anybody copy as technologically advanced as they are at a Cree or apparently still reliant on 1990s cellphone reception this is some dusty furry dust things suspense I'm no expert but maybe if you spent less time screaming you'd be able to do more scrolling no one will be seated during the bunch of old portion of the movie some stuff is happening just try and keep track of the purple in the green they're on different sides I think movie does a great job advertising the Air Force you don't now the movie does pile on a bit heavy with this stuff about her constantly being told she's not good enough I get that people are told that but in movie form maybe we don't need to see it a dozen times to get the point okay fine we need some back story on why Carroll's so driven to be the best but this exposition brain probe really feels more like a Nike commercial than an MCU film okay wait can you change the way the camera of your memory tilts so that you can pick up fine details let's just like the zoom and enhance cliche but for your brain dr. Wendy Lawson that's her so Carol can hear the scrolls that are digging around in her memories and she in memory reacts to it you can't change an event by remembering it right fright she got knocked out cold and captured on that planet with a single blast of one of these space Tasers now she's impervious to them that's not exactly full-sized so I guess we can call this a little helm scream in case you thought this movie's 90s references we're gonna be subtle she crashed lands into a king blockbuster huh movies playing this is a visual gag but was Carol seriously gonna immediately shoot any non-threatening presents in this environment what if this were the janitor doing a late-night cleaning this top shelf here goes hudsucker proxy hook something else that I'm pretty sure is hamburger hill then first night then jumping jack flash jr. and just cause I worked at three different blockbusters in my lifetime and you could fire four there you have one job and I think half these movies on the Shelf star Sean Connery and Arnold Schwarzenegger how likely in 1995 is it that a blockbuster would be advertising babe with a giant poster and standee when that was only released in August of that year the church wasn't coming out on video at this point honestly we take care of those dirty looks is quite simply the worst dry-cleaning advertising slogan I could even fathom why does a dry-cleaning service even need a slogan look at you be better off just writing your hours of operation talk about some nuclear yadda yadda how the hell does outdated 90s tech and a payphone and turn into a communicator with the ability to send signals to her people millions of miles away in space all did it book work sure she could make a space phone out of that but she couldn't bypass Ma Bell in the ill communication once it's real aliens find the earth to be way less than acceptable cliche okay if this call is urgent enough to use the sirens why not take the cops and shield until after daybreak to respond why was shield alerted at all it's a broken window in a [ __ ] blockbuster okay this d aging technology has officially gotten creepy as hell I'll be honest Jana fired Sam Jackson looks pretty awesome here and I am terrified of how that technology will definitely be used in the future this is the most convenient Road near a train situation any city planner ever cooked up in pursuit and she should be easy to track considering she'll be the only person in Los Angeles to take the train sure Stanley could have been reading Kevin Smith's mole rat script in 1995 the movie came out on October 20th 1995 so this could be early in the year when it was about to get shot or something the problem is the record story just left Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie and the infinite sadness being advertised here is coming soon or already out came out October 23rd 1995 and while it's insane that those two things were only three days apart Stan Lee would not have been reading the script in October unless he was just getting nostalgic about his cameo for the residents of LA to jump to an old lady's needs and all but how is this even possible you're telling me that after all the kicking Carol's done three regular ask commuters could temporarily restrain her fight chase on top of a moving train I feel like I've never seen that before except always of course it is tunnels the only logical choice once you've opted for fight on top of a train what I'm still here at the blockbuster Coulson saw fury take off forever ago so why is he just calling it also look I think the young ending effect they're using on Sam Jackson is amazing but they must have used all the resources on that because Clark Craig's face makes Jeff Bridges and Tron Legacy look like fine art look movie no one in a major city subway terminal would look this hard and long and a girl in a weird costume subway terminals are beacons for folks in weird costumes I rode a train once with spider-man and Marilyn Monroe and a guy that look exactly like Richard Grieco only I don't think that was a costume I think that was just Richard Grieco there you go now that no one can tell that's an alien no one will ask questions about the body with a jacket thrown over its face inside the wrecked car ah cool the doohickey that the scroll dropped on the train gets inserted into the whatchamacallit and immediately displays plot convenient footage perfectly edited for maximum exposition [Music] alta vista internet cafes modems big computer monitors wasn't 1995 hilarious but seriously how would carol have the first goddamn clue how to work this fad and sure the motorcycle guy was an [ __ ] and probably deserved it but what did this vintage boutique ever do to anyone hey how's your eye that's a fine yeah they're not gonna hem handedly try and shoehorn a reason for Fury's eye patch into this movie I got word on a motorcycle thief that fits her description but instead of immediately following up on that lead I'm gonna waste valuable time at shield espousing this clunky dialogue might even drink a tear wine and stop by Sam Goody's to pick up a jagged little pill CD before I act on any of this information toggling Scrolls can only some recent memories of their host bodies that is literally the definition of a stupid restriction to put on an ability just for plot or hero reasons why should they even be able to access any memories if all they're doing is copycatting where are you born Huntsville Alabama does this do Carroll except to provide a little more backstory for fury is she able to verify this bolt in any way Ruth you're not a scroll Carol is a dick - what if this is a jukebox from the 90s has to be 30% ac/dc CDs 40% Tom Petty CDs 29% journey CDs and 1% Van Morrison CD is that a communicator yeah state of the art - wig agent which would in no way and work in a bunker like this but I'm gonna keep making these nostalgic references as long as Marvel pays me to do so Oh how did this cat get into this official government covert facility and did they know he was a flirt come if so why is he out roaming the halls hey that's exactly how Eminem writes his lyrics I'll assume Lawson was writing the follow-up to Stan I want to question her along that sounds well evil and/or dirty all I know is we take them in to dead or alive dead or alive yeah agreed that's excessive it makes no sense unless your bosses bosses a scroll poly these are the loudest lights I've ever heard can you imagine the constant jump scares you'd have to endure if you were collating these records the CGI cat is a king abomination and yes the actress is allergic and they had to do a CGI cat in some places but just take twenty thousand dollars of the money you're spending on unifying Sam Jackson and put it into realistic in the cat god damn also they ran into that cat on level five in the storage room and somehow it ran several floors away from that position and got into the hangar and onto a prototype aircraft that they would eventually use Maria Rambo so how do we get to Louisiana I'm sorry but the amount of information they've gleaned from a few seconds of glancing through the records like Maria's exact address is such bull that this movie is actively starting to stink what is Ronan looked like a character from mist here Carol appeared almost lifelike on the hologram earlier and even in full color his accuser tech still using dial-up or something she flashes little moments but I can't tell what's real I'll tell you what's real someone on this movie set design team thinks this single mother living alone with her daughter keeps a bowl on the table with 16 lemons in it that's real that happened you'd better come take a look at this cliche that was all that survived the crash well that's a lie you're telling me a prototype aircraft crashed and every single piece of it disintegrated into dust including the rest of this dog tag but not this tiny corner of dog tag you know you really should be kinder to your neighbors you never know when you're gonna need to borrow some sugar this is pretty hilarious but it's also ridiculous to think that the scrolls stopped off at a fast-food joint to pick up some burgers and shakes on the way to Louisiana and how would you know about the sugar borrowing habits of earthly suburban Knights this soon into your stay on the planet that was before on you you uh before I knew what made you different from me honest Talos had to have gotten this information before the confrontation at the Pegasus base since that's where he heard the recorder so if he knew that then why did he try to kill Furies ass he knew they were working together and now he's all peaceful I actually really like this characters turn but given the sequence of events it doesn't make a whole lot of sense what's happening it's loading windows 95 okay so Jude Law shot Lawson before she could blow up the ship but it takes like 15 seconds for him to show up at a distance in all this smoke plus their obstructed somewhat by the crash ship and they're on the down slope of a hill how did he know where to aim Carol got her powers by being fantastic forward by the warp engine but the energy only hit her despite yon raw and about the same distance away she assumed his power she's coming with us okay I'd maybe buy that this recording spurred Carol's memory to recall the crash but she's being unconscious here so how would she know this part quick question why did they leave the main house and all go to the one day from collapse cabin to listen to the audio it makes a nice shot but it makes no sense from a human being standpoint is this houses only computer out in the decrepit barn why does Talos still have Keller's jacket on we've seen that when they morph into other humans they already have their clothes on but now that he's turned back into his natural shape that jacket should be gone right she wanted you to help us find the core and why the hell didn't she tell Carol about the reason for the mission in the first place I know it would have been weird to come out as an alien but they were already in top-secret mode this withholding of information both makes about as much sense as what happened to Poe in the last Jedi did you hear me man this depiction of the friendship between two strong independent women that is emotional but not corny is long overdue and it's about goddamn time that Marvel showed it so I'm gonna take us in off because I'm totally a social justice warrior or virtue signal or whatever the latest term that's complimentary but is being used to be derogatory take it off this moonlight shot makes no sense the pole at the bottom right of the shot shows a shadow that matches up with the moon's location but then the spaceship thing that veers flew here has a shadow that suggests another even stronger light source off-screen to the right when they were handing out kids they gave up a toughest one lieutenant trouble so is everything cool now like KanCare remember everything about her life on earth black box recording was [ __ ] magic what purpose does this function of the spacesuit serve like some cream was almost finished designing it and the supreme intelligence poked its head in and was like don't forget to add the unnecessary color wheel why did they bring the can captivate this cat will lead her freak out on fury and cut his face but he doesn't want to do it here in zero gravity which is baffling because I've owned a cat before a lawnmower can freak them out a clap of thunder can freak them out suspending in zero gravity but but have them clawing out the eyeballs of all the [ __ ] nearby until they were on solid footing the cloaking activated holy balls is there anything this magical wrist doohickey can't do can it order takeout purchase ebooks access free porn ah Who am I kidding of course it can access free porn in her note she called us a tesseract you know I'm fine with the timeline of the tesseract the idea that Howard Stark helped found Pegasus in the 80s and handed it over to this project is totally okay I'm just tired of the [ __ ] tesseract it shows up and seemingly every movie being on tesseract and stuff she's a pinball wizard it's gotta be a twist a pinball wizard has got such a supple wrist evil dude picked up the cat carried it all the way here and just tosses it casually and that is a ton of wasted effort what did you do to your uniform he got in her head just like we thought when Carol's been calling with updates constantly since she's been on earth and there's no way they would know that the scroll to flipped his jacket it's killer by the way does the supreme intelligence seriously have the bandwidth and the inclination for pithy one-liners species flirty threat hi so I'll calmly place a cat's eyes muzzle over its mouth and I just happen to be carrying on my person without us you're only human flesh you may be you're only human to me mistakes this montage of various Carol's getting up after falling down is excessive and on the nose and over-the-top anjala you were reborn fierce because every sci-fi movie apparently needs an alien race to miss read something and call it something else like Star Trek with Vedra Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes with kolima this goes on for some time I will say this about the movie it waits until the perfect time to unveil Carol's true powers and this is a goosebumps inducing moment so it absolutely deserves us in off having said that this reveals sets up the same issue as DC has with Superman Carol is all-powerful she hasn't discovered everything she could do yet but she's pretty much unkillable now and future movies and game mm we'll have to do a ton of hand waving and marginalization for her to be included at all into the rest of the MCU okay let playing on just a girl during the climactic scene of this movie that's more on the nose than anything ever literally the only more on the nose song you could have chosen is Meredith Brooks [ __ ] or maybe Barbie girl or Cyndi Lauper's well the movie never explains it or even suggests it but jaan raghav errantly has the ability to manipulate metal like magneto and I needs more backstory than anything in this movie that you actually gave a backstory fool god damn huh did that happen the movie is directly contradicting its own previous implications about the power differential here oh they're dogfighting in the canyons just like an independent Sky Captain and the world of to marvel dude Carroll may be all-powerful but does she also have a GPS built into her headpiece how the hell did she know exactly where yawn Rhonda DUP she didn't even see him crash poop to me you can beat me this is a great moment but it was also super [ __ ] obvious that it was gonna go down like this this is basically Indy taking out the sword guy with the gun and Raiders of the Lost Ark motherf lurkin I'll be back before you know it she will not for emergencies only okay and real emergencies too not like of an alien species is invading one of your most populous cities and your shadow government is about to nuke the god of it as a result and really it would take a giant stroke of some luck and some space gravity to avoid total annihilation you could totally handle that you think you can find others like her we found her and we weren't even looking okay the logic here is stunning and yes they do end up finding more heroes but it's not because they already existed Carol was a one-in-a-billion fluke banner still hasn't tested gamma radiation yet Tony has to be kidnapped and build a suit in a cave black widow is just a human badass and Hawkeye is decent too okay with arrows just how amazing with this cat vomit scene be if we didn't know where the tesseract went during the sequence on lawson's lab it might have felt worth sitting through the 12 minutes of credits might have there I said it I like a cat ah I'm just a free we have Vincent yeah we happy your father and I were just discussing his day at work why don't you tell our daughter about it honey Janie today I quit my job and then I told my boss to go himself and then i blackmailed them for almost $60,000 past nice pair your father seems to think this kind of behavior something to be proud of and your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a king prisoner while she keeps my in a mason jar under the sink tell the supreme intelligence that I'm coming to end it you Tom I'm coming and hell's coming with me [Music] before we get started does anyone want to get out you want to play blind man go walk with the shepherd me my eyes are wide just talk

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,517,209

Keywords: eww, wave jockey job, mcu, movie, captain marvel, cinema sins, mistakes, review, everything wrong with, cinemasins, vers, everything wrong with captain marvel, cinemasins captain marvel, eww captain marvel, captain marvel review, captain marvel reaction, marvel, movie review, avengers, marvel universe, brie larson, jude law, captain marvel full movie

Id: hIPp71gIN88

Length: 17min 27sec (1047 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 27 2019