Everything Wrong With Shazam! in 17 Minutes or Less

the warner brothers logo the dark and stormy night imagery the sweeping score the pan down to a snowy road are we sure this isn't a harry potter movie you can't go crying to other people all the time a man needs to know when to stand up for himself toxic mask paternity it's a caterpillar which must mean something because in the theater i swear i heard the sound of at least a dozen comic book boners launching simultaneously i am the last of the council of wizards god damn it i wrote a whole sin about how john hansu was double dipping in marvel and dc and that he was probably the only one to have done that only to realize like a million actors and actresses have done that halle berry was storm and catwoman so for making me think about catwoman somehow this movie gets a sick he lies don't be his champion we can give you power when the shazamily forefathers put this throne room together who decided it was a good idea to design the apparently still conscious and active embodiments of evil as part of the main hallway decor jesus shazam last minute much if thaddeus weren't so goddamn painfully slow at grabbing his balls you'd be out of luck only the purest of hearts can resist their temptations i mean my girl is a classic for sure but why'd you have to go and bring motown into this you will never be worthy thanks [ __ ] i mean old shazam brought thaddeus here with no context exposited a tiny bit and now he insults him for not being a good enough [Applause] neo-shazam surprise t-bone shot from the inside of the vehicle immediately followed by slow motion of the interior of the crash while incongruously joyful music plays cliche you're gonna be okay you did this damn this family is so committed to shaming this [ __ ] kid that the [ __ ] older brother would rather do that than look for help for his dying [ __ ] dad if the sins have enough power to contact this kid in the real world this way why wouldn't they have the power to spell it out a little more clearly to him or one of the many others who had this same experience or how i learned to stop worrying and love captain marvel damn the opening of this movie has more philadelphia city porn than all the rockies all the m night shyamalan movies the fresh prince and law-abiding citizen combined well crap i guess we're ringing the annabelle again you can play it off as a nod by the director to a previous film he made if you want but this happened in aquaman too i'm just saying don't blame me in 2025 when warner's disney envy results in harry potter and the legos of the rings chapter 3 annabelle versus the martha's open this up right now very good very funny man these are some taller and ass cops billy lured them into what could be a dangerous crime scene locked them in a pawn shop and commandeered their cruiser i know his motives are benign but the cops don't know that mom's talking also is this seriously the only way he can track down another batson this is 2019 man everyone's findable you seriously don't think billy's mom has a instagram account but i wanted a tiger oh but this is the real prize baby you can use that your whole life you'll always find your way movie steals the give a compass as a gift move from big and really a lot from big right that's what happens when you suck direct video feed of me editing cinemasins videos somehow makes it into the movie that's the uh the old batarang feel how sharp okay this world obviously exists in the dc universe since batman superman and wonder woman are all featured here but if that's the case then why set this in a real ass city like philly if gotham and metropolis exist where the hell are they located on the i-95 corridor thank you for this day thank you for this food even if it's not steak fillet did we get your cool dad no need to show off with stretch rhyming a prayer also i do have to take a sin off for vincent and rosa here who are great models of actual foster parents that care there are so many depictions of awfulness from foster kids and movies that this is a breath of fresh air wait did i just get too serious um scene does not contain a lap dance from rosa roll credits prometheus school of running away from things that's better he called himself a wizard even just like a a wizard from harry potter wait wait wait harry potter also exists in the same universe as superman and the other metahumans meaning that in this movie's world jk rowling said you know what there's not enough of a sense of mysticism and wonder around me i think i'll advent a wizard and a magical school that people can read and escape to a new world instead of literally looking out their windows and seeing an alien flying around saving people i'll even include broomsticks recurrent imagery has proven very common in cases of mass hysteria i've heard about people seeing cats and dogs living together i think i got it on video jesus she's just mentioning this now after going through all this questioning you can't believe any of this is real quick ask me if the movie will ever explain why some people can enter but she turns into a disintegrating indiana jones nazi it doesn't you know what it's like for a child to be told you'll never be good enough unfortunately this is what mark strong style that coach should have told him about this american accent seems like that move would have been something to try on the mortal human as he was reaching for satan's testicle a few seconds ago instead of just yelling no you are the true champion jesus christ this movie throws around champion as casually as a prequel throws around midichlorians also sinball that's a ball of sins man how do i not have a replica of this on my kitchen table through you they'll spread the poison to everything they touch make me kind chain on each other twitter ask people the same question you know what what power do you want but this time they made it so the answers were anonymous the fact that this character is fully fleshed out and physically disabled but the movie doesn't make a big deal about it is something that should be celebrated like hell don't touch my brother what do you need your fake family to stand up for you stand up damn these high school [ __ ] bully so hard they belong in a stephen king novel dude what is up with the over-the-top dickwads in this movie i thought thaddeus family was bad but these [ __ ] are so into assholery that they've abandoned their truck in the school parking lot just to track billy down to the subway are people extra dickish in philadelphia wait i think i just answered my own question hello man philly's public transit system is tough as balls the lights stay on in the car even when traveling to a secret magical dimension new york city and chicago can barely keep theirs on under the best of circumstances long ago we chose a champion and we chose recklessly spark's position he used his power for revenge releasing the seven deadly sins into your world that's a real shame and all but when did this happen were people not sinning at all to that point or just not deadly sinning i'm sending the fact that these sinners weren't previously sinning enough and that's that millions of lives were lost well i'm sure wrath and envy were pretty rough to deal with but did lust and pride really take a ton of people out and if so was it really all that bad my name is shazam roll zamitz the wisdom of sonoma the strength of hercules blah blah a for atlas blah blah blah it's an acronym many people don't know this but jeremy is also an acronym for all my powers the good looks of jim nabors the discernment of eric staltz the integrity of richard nixon the height of elijah wood the universal appeal of michael moore and the gravitas of yahoo serious jealous character gives brief message about great power along with a couple guidelines that immediately croaks cliche come on man this is public god damn transit a dude in a superhero costume wouldn't cause anyone to bat a [ __ ] eyelash so common ironically enough i wrote a very similar sin in captain marvel damn it if you want to minimize the screaming wouldn't you just gently raise the sign into freddie's site [Laughter] seriously zach levi is the most perfect casting of a human to play a superhero in a red outfit since ryan reynolds got his second shot at deadpool within the first few minutes of trying to figure out his superpower shazam encounters a mugging and an armed robbery either philadelphia's got a gotham level crime problem or this movie has a dceu level convenience problem or maybe both you have full immunity yeah but freddy's not and he's still casually standing right in the [ __ ] line of fire shoot him in the face shoot me the fat in the face okay billy trying to figure out his powers was fun earlier but this is just dumb from the risks they immediately take to the number of bullets the thugs have to the complicity of these [ __ ] being willing to commit murder in the service of knocking off one convenience store so dumb for a pretty smart movie since he wrapped them in christmas lights and the trappings of the season are all around i look forward to the shazam of christmas movie arguments for years to come i genuinely can't think of a better way to spend our time i totally get why rocky was training so hard to get up here jesus christ this movie has more winking pop culture references than an episode of cinemasins also it's pretty impressive that they're able to have this conversation all alone at the top of a huge tourist attraction with a big-ass christmas tree on it is it really that late at night billy you're back let us see you rosa immediately abandons this pursuit despite the fact that she must have heard the loud whispering in the room the sound of shazam turning back into billy and the fact that a missing child just returned to her house savannah industries must have a pr person on staff that would advise against their logo looking like a swastika right oh brother thank god thad identified his brother by name or i'd have completely lost the context of this relationship also this is why i'll never be a board member for a big probably corrupt organization chances of you being attacked by a sin demon increased by 800 percent it's math man hey kids want to go see the super fun movie where a kid gets super powers and also nightmare creatures eat the heads off people don't worry we won't show you any boobs so you'll be fine sign the mpa listen the last thing we need is a remake of the mist i loved it but that devastated me this is power more than anyone has there is one more powerful guys i'm in the middle of my big dad speech here can the magic mirror exposition wait a few minutes man just punch the button oh my god a truck replace the truck with a dumpster and this is exactly the character arc of the bullies from the neverending store oh and every other school bully arc ever in the history of phil i don't think that's gonna buff out not that i'm rooting for anything to happen to freddy but these two dicks had massive bully boners yesterday and now freddie gets this close to him insults them and they do nothing i'm so sorry i'm late i got held up at the business of doing all the work stuff why the hell did it take dc this [ __ ] long to make a funny movie damn it i really want to remove a sin here but it took so long for dc to make a funny movie and the lego batman movie is a whole different thing so that doesn't count luckily for this training montage there's no shortage of abandoned warehouses in the greater philadelphia area horror movie seriously freddy's actively trying to kill billy youtube also zapped in america movie seriously if you're gonna make an appropriate appropriation from the avengers for billy thor is sitting right there your phone's charged your phone starts just yesterday everyone was gawking at shazam and he wasn't even doing anything now he's walking around the mall shooting electricity from his fingers and barely gets a second glance the sin here is that it took this long for billy to think to go to the booty drop i mean they even have free hot wings blatant [ __ ] theft like i don't know exactly how old they are but they're definitely i shouldn't use my magical superpowers to steal from a [ __ ] bank years old wait is this supposed to be the same day as they left school so they went all the way to the warehouse did the entire training montage uploaded all those videos to youtube jumped into the building traveled to the mall to hang out for a while went to the titty twister robbed the atm then bought all this and installed it all before they even head to the real estate office i'm not saying it's impossible but sure as hell is a ferris bueller level of improbable all hands on deck man they sure did yadda yadda billy's return didn't they and have they seriously not noticed the brand new electronic gone girl shed full of he's got in his room costume's stupid big white cape like he's getting married or something wait what are wedding caps a thing i caught because i wanted to go with ascots instead of bow ties and i could have worn a cape what he needs is a sidekick name one cool sidekick um louie tomlinson mary are you okay are you how do you know my name the better question is why isn't mary in school right now in the middle of the day that's like her whole thing right you got to look out for you and get as far away from this place as you can shall say i'm explaining hey hey young man whoa whoa whoa i'm in the middle of a show right now i know there's a happy ending but there's also a ton of dickishness from a lot of the main characters to get through beforehand look it doesn't matter if it hit the ground or he caught it the deceleration rate is pretty much the same especially as it's shown my point is unless one of his powers is reversing the laws of inertia these people are as dead as they would be if they hit the ground also he apparently caught it on the glass so how did it not immediately shatter at that speed and force you have to move move shoot shoot please be a good joke come on man you got the entire open street to your right to put that down so it seems philadelphia has gotten an early christmas present in the form of its very own superhero why isn't this a bigger deal like when batman and superman were running around their towns they were surrounded by the press but shazam saves a city bus and they only send one [ __ ] reporter i'm floating oh [ __ ] course the truck comes by and hits him because ha ha comedy but seriously this trucker didn't think to break at all for the person floating in the middle of the road for several seconds i'm really starting to suspect the driving in philadelphia oh good i get to watch the last 20 minutes of man of steel again what is discount stanley tucci getting from all this he's running around the city punching and kicking shazam and as soon as he lands a shot he just hangs out intimidatingly how's that gonna get the power transferred to him these shopping bags are such obvious cg and i totally noticed this and figured that out on my own billy come on holy [ __ ] nozzle this instant discovery of billy's identity is the most convenient set of conveniences to ever convenience supervillain super relevant worse much worse really i mean i get that you got that whole demon lasik thing going on but what makes your evil any worse than zod or eclipso or kite man whoa is that i swear people in movies watch the local news at a rate of 25 000 more than people in the real world what's freddy doing with a superhero a better question would be why is the network constantly airing footage of freddy and billy arguing instead of images from the bus saving or the interview itself these kids just saunter into the house with coats on i guess there's no such thing as a coat rack in this house although darla's so slow here that she's way behind the other kids to get ready and find billy but then her superpower turns out to be speed which is such a cool little movie thing that i must give credit where it's due billy whoa did the all-powerful evil wizard seriously just ring the doorbell actually i take that back what a tall obvious presidential slam is appreciated i mean obvious i let go my name is by accident i saw you what jesus christ this origin story is worse than all the times bruce wayne's parents were killed combined setting aside how creepily young marilyn was when she had billy she's describing her abandonment of him in the middle of a public place in the freezing goddamn cold and billy still turned out to be somewhat affable so this sin is for bruce ending up as such a whiny [ __ ] billy billy oh come on the first time we saw this the compass had been kicked around a few feet maybe enough to get him truly lost in the crowd but he was definitely with an earshot of these calls by his name come home billy come home that super villain name is the mad repeater [Music] landlines say your name and while you're at it name the living members of the rolling stones just in case it helps with a match sequels how did thad know exactly where the kids went was he also imagining a strip club and just having to pick the same one i guess it's not that crazy of an assumption considering the booty trap does have those free hot wings we separate the sins from the eye and he's just an old man hey i get told something like that multiple times per day gather the mutts that's racist full body mouth vagina vagina cintada ooh these sins can go full smoke monster to avoid contact since they have that power i'm sure the movie will remain consistent and no one will ever land a punch or kick on one of them for the rest of the film wait a minute he clearly screams shazam here i mean i know he's underwater and all but is the movie saying the phrase has to be clearly audible in the air instead of the water is it an enunciation thing is there some sort of shazam referee who has to make these calls can he just use one of his challenges and send it to the replay booth who decides what constitutes a shazam i guess this statue's been takes off sunglasses penalized man this movie contains a surprisingly high amount of defiant and resolute staring are you making some my big evil guy speech right now or something you're like a mile away from me hilarious moment honestly but if that is doing this cliche monologuing why isn't he any closer still better than the actual movie the exact reaction as the execs at warner brothers after seeing the public's response to this movie look the end of this movie is really fun but it's also equal parts x-men harry potter mighty moyer from power rangers and infinity war so it takes a little bit of the wind out of the sails i'm not mad i'm just noticing a derivative when i sees it this hell spawn really wants to murder the [ __ ] out of this ferris wheel man what the hell did it ever do to him thad reloads his fists right here like he's henry and cavill which is hilarious when juxtaposed with what happened with him in justice league and mission impossible fall out how the did everyone determine that it was okay to come back to the carnival sure thad looks like he's defeated but there's still a glowing ball of literal [ __ ] sin potentially in play i invited another friend i hope that's okay awesome i bet he's doing this instead of saving some village in mexico or russia or something though the seven realms are about to be hours man dc's reboot of jiminy cricket is gritty as hell we'll be saying wow every time you use this towel and that's darla i'm darla and they're certainly not showing any signs that they are hello speak my name i i don't know your name sir my name is jason hey you know what there's another name you might know me by star-lord this is for board members only i don't pay you to think but dad shut up whatever kid i do what i want [Music] puny god

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 3,992,499

Keywords: dc shazam, mistakes, dc comics, super, wave jockey job, shazam, movie review, dc, cinemasins, shazam movie, shazam review, review, eww, hero, superhero, eww shazam, comics, shazam!, everything wrong with, zachary levi, cinemasins shazam, cinema sins, everything wrong with shazam, shazam reaction, movie

Id: wBhgjMH_6A4

Length: 17min 30sec (1050 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 06 2019