[intense music] - HI, EVERYBODY,
I’M DAVE STASSEN ALONGSIDE GEOFF WORTHING, AND WELCOME
TO THE ANNUAL EAST/WEST BOWL, AS WE GET READY TO WATCH
SOME OF THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYERS IN THE NATION SHOWCASE
THEIR SKILLS IN A CLASSIC SHOWDOWN BETWEEN EAST AND WEST. AND THERE REALLY
ARE SOME CHARACTERS ON THIS YEAR’S SQUADS,
AREN’T THERE, GEOFF? - THAT’S RIGHT, DAVE. IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE MOST
FLAMBOYANT PERSONALITIES CAME TO THE FOREFRONT,
AND THEY ARE HERE. LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS
FROM THE EAST. [rock music] - D’MARCUS WILLIUMS,
UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA. - T.J. JUCKSON,
WAYNE STATE UNIVERSITY. - T’VARIUSNESS KING,
MERRIMACK COLLEGE. - TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE,
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI. - D’SQUARIUS GREEN, JR.,
UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME. - IBRAHIM MOIZOOS, UNIVERSITY
OF TENNESSEE AT CHATTANOOGA. - JACKMERIUS TACKTHERITRIX,
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY. - D’ISIAH T. BILLINGS-CLYDE,
COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSITY. - [lisping]
D’JATHPER PROBINCRUX THE THIRD, THOUTH CAROLINA
THTATE UNIVERTHITY. - LEOZ MAXWELL JILLIUMZ,
EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY. - JAVARIS JAMAR JAVARISON-LAMAR,
UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLE TENNESSEE. - DAVOIN SHOWER-HANDEL, UNIVERSITY
OF SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI. - HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY,
PENN STATE UNIVERSITY. - L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT,
FLORIDA ATLANTIC UNIVERSITY. - J’DINKALAGE MORGOONE,
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA. - XMUS JAXON FLAXON-WAXON, CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY
OF PENNSYLVANIA. - WE’RE GOING TO BE LOOKING
FOR BIG PLAYS ALL GAME LONG FROM
TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE. - AND LET’S NOT FORGET
THE TIGHT ENDS, IBRAHIM MOIZOOS
AND HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY. THEY’VE BOTH
HAD AMAZING SEASONS. - THAT’S RIGHT, GEOFF. NOW LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS
FROM THE WEST. [rock music] - SAGGITARIUTT JEFFERSPIN,
TEXAS A & M. - D’GLESTER HARDUNKICHUD,
UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN. - SWIRVITHAN L’GOODLING-SPLATT,
SASKATCHEWAN UNIVERSITY. - QUATRO QUATRO, SAN JOSE
STATE UNIVERSITY. - OZAMATAZ BUCKSHANK,
STANFORD UNIVERSITY. - BEEZER TWELVE WASHINGBEARD,
JONES COLLEGE. - SHAKIRAQUAN T.G.I.F. CARTER,
UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN ARIZONA. - X-WING @ ALICIOUSNESS, MISSOURI WESTERN
STATE UNIVERSITY. - SEQUESTER GRUNDELPLITH, M.D.,
ADAMS STATE. - SCOISH VELOCIRAPTOR MALOISH,
SOUTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY. - T.J. A.J. R.J. BACKSLASHINFOURTH THE FIFTH,
ALBION COLLEGE. - [squeals]
SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY. - DONKEY TEETH,
BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY. - TORQUE... [jackhammer drilling]
LEWITH, NEVADA STATE... PENITENTIARY. - THE PLAYER FORMERLY KNOWN
AS MOUSECOP, UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI,
COLUMBIA. - DAN SMITH, BYU.
- I'M DAVE SASSON ALONGSIDE JEFF WORTHING, AND WELCOME TO THE 2013
EAST/WEST BOWL, WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE WATCHING SOME OF THE BEST
COLLEGE ATHLETES IN THE NATION TRY TO PUT LAST YEAR'S
SPECTACLE TO SHAME. - THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE.
IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT THIS YEAR'S SENIORS
CERTAINLY WILL BE TRYING TO GIVE LAST YEAR'S STARS
A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. LET'S CHECK OUT THE TEAMS, STARTING WITH THE PLAYERS
FROM THE EAST. [energetic rock music] - COZNESSTER SMIFF,
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY. - ELIPSES CORTER,
UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA. - NYQUILLUS DILLWAD, L.S.U. - BISMO FUNYUNS,
FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY. - DECATHOLAC MANGO,
GEORGIA TECH UNIVERSITY. - MERGATROID SKITTLE,
UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE. - QUIZNATODD BIDNESS,
UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE. - D'PEZ POOPSIE, OLE MISS. - QUACKADILLY BLIP,
AUBURN UNIVERSITY. - GOOLIUS BOOZLER, THE "U." - BISQUITEEN TRISKET,
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN. - FARTRELL CLUGGINS,
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS. - BLYRONE BLASHINTON, SYRACUSE. - CARTOONS PLURAL,
VIRGINIA TECH. - JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE,
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY. - FUDGE. - SOME OF THE BIG STORIES
THIS YEAR-- THE METEORIC RISE
OF D'PEZ POOPSIE, AND LET'S NOT FORGET
ABOUT HEISMAN WINNER JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE. - AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T
TALK ABOUT 2013 WITHOUT BRINGING UP FUDGE.
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT FUDGE. AT 350 POUNDS, THIS RUNNING BACK IS ALMOST
UNSTOPPABLE THE WHOLE YEAR. - YOU'RE RIGHT. I COULD TALK
ABOUT FUDGE ALL DAY. BUT FIRST, LET'S MEET
THE PLAYERS FROM THE WEST. [energetic rock music] - EQUINE DUCKLINGS,
INDIANA UNIVERSITY, PURDUE UNIVERSITY,
INDIANAPOLIS. - DAHISTORIUS LAMYSTORIUS,
UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY. - EWOKONIAD SIGOURNETH
JUNIORSTEIN, OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY. - EQQSQUIZITINE BUBLE -SCHWINSLOW,
UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA. - HUKA'LAKANAKA
HAKANAKAHCCKALUCKA'HUKAHAKAFAKA, UNIVERSITY OF HAWAII. - KING PRINCE CHAMBERMAID,
BAYLOR UNIVERSITY. - LADENNIFER JADANISTON,
UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO. - LADADADALADADADADADA DALA -DADALADALADALADA,
UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA. - HARVARD UNIVERSITY,
DEVRY UNIVERSITY. - [imitating rapid beeping]
ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE. - WINGDINGS, ONLINE CLASSES. - [distorted voice] FIRSTNAME
LASTNAME, COLLEGE UNIVERSITY. - GOD, HOMESCHOOL. - SQUEEEEEEEEEPS,
SANTA MONICA COLLEGE. - [British accent] BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH, OXFORD UNIVERSITY. - A.A. RON BALAKAY,
MOREHOUSE COLLEGE. - HEY, JADINKALAGE?
- YEAH, L'CARPETRON? - CHECK OUT LEOZ. I WONDER
WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT? - HE IS PROBABLY DREAMING
ABOUT WHAT WE IS GONNA DO
TO THE TEAM FROM THE WEST. - I WONDER.
- ♪ T'VARIUSNESS T-KING
FOR SHORT ♪ ♪ I'M A BAD MAMMA-JAMMA
AND AN AWFUL SPORT ♪ ♪ -
SMOOCHIE-WALLACE YOU CAN CALL ME TYROIL RAPPIN' UP RUSHES
LIKE ALUMINUM FOIL ♪ ♪ - MCCRINGLEBERRY
I'M VERY SCARY ♪ ♪ IF I GOT THE BALL
YOU BEST BE WARY ♪ ♪ - L'CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT
I LOVE THE BALL SO MUCH I WANNA MARRY IT ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE THE EASTERN SCHOOL'S GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS
FROM THE WEST ♪ - OH, YEAH.
all: ♪ WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED
WE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST ♪ ♪ - WE ARE THE BEST
- I'M IBRAHIM MOIZOOS ♪ ♪ AND MY RHYMES ARE CLEAN
LIKE MY NAME IS DR. SEUSS ♪ ♪ - PROBINCRUZ III THEY CALL ME
"THE PROBE" I CAN INTERCEPT BALLS
WITH MY EARLOBE ♪ ♪ - SHOWER-HANDEL ♪ ♪ THAT'S MY NAME
POWER CANDLE SOUNDS THE SAME ♪ ♪ - WITH JACKMERIUS
- D'SQUARIUS ♪ ♪ - AND JAVARISON-LAMAR ♪ ♪ - FLACKAWAXA PLAYS SAX
AND D'MARCUS PLAYS GUITAR ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE THE EASTERN SCHOOL'S ♪ ♪ GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS
FROM THE WEST ♪ ♪ - OKAY DON'T YOU KNOW ♪ all: ♪ WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED
WE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST ♪ ♪ - INDEEDY,
WE ARE THE BEST ♪ - [gasps] IT MUST HAVE BEEN
ALL A DREAM. [gasps] OR WAS IT? - OH, IT'S ON. ♪ - WHAT'S UP,
Y'ALL IT'S JEFFERSPIN I'M THE BIG LEFT TACKLE
GONNA HELP US WIN ♪ ♪ - X-WING AT ALYSSIUSNESS ♪ ♪ I'LL USE MY FORCE
TO GIVE THE EAST DISTRESS ♪ ♪ - ALGERNON-SPLATTER'S
WHERE IT'S AT RUNNING ♪ ♪ THROUGH DEFENDERS
AND PADDING MY STATS ♪ ♪ - Y'ALL KNOW ME
I'M WASHINGBEARD CATCH SO MANY BALLS
IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WE GONNA
WIN AGAINST THE EAST ♪ ♪ - LISTEN WHAT WE SAID
all: ♪ ♪ WE GONNA GET THE MOST POINTS
AND THEY GONNA GET THE LEAST ♪ ♪ - JUST TRYIN' TO CALM THE
VOICES RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD ♪ ♪ - BACK IT UP
IT'S HARDUNKACHUD ♪ ♪ I HIT THE Q.B. AND MAKE
A NOISE LIKE THUD ♪ ♪ - CAN'T BLOCK ME
AND ALL OF THAT JAZZ 'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T WANT
NONE OF THIS OZAMATAZZ ♪ ♪ - THE PLAYER...
- TJ AJ ♪ ♪ - FORMERLY KNOWN... ♪ - [screeches]
[construction noises] ♪ ♪ ♪ - LOUITH
- AS MOUSECOP ♪ ♪ - AND DONKEY TEETH - I'M THE TOUCHDOWN MAN
THAT'S GRUNDLEPLINTH BUT Y'ALL AIN'T READY
FOR MY MAN DAN SMITH ♪ ♪ -
YO YO SMITH COMMA DANIEL ♪ ♪ OTHER KICKERS IN THE LEAGUE
DON'T HOLD ♪ ♪ A CANDLE CHEERLEADERS
UP ON MY CHOCOLATE CROTCH ♪ ♪ THOSE GODDAMN BABY COCKER
SPANIEL B.Y.U. ♪ ♪ WHY YOU BE MAD ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE BITCHES
WANNA GET WITH ME GOT ♪ ♪ SWISHER SWEETS AND DUTCHIES
ROLLIN' ON NO OTHER TEAM ♪ ♪ CAN TOUCH
THESE HITTIN' FIELD GOALS ♪ ♪ BLUNTED BEEN DRUNK
WHEN I PUNTED BEEN ♪ ♪ LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES
THAT I ALREADY DONE IT ♪ ♪ OH, [bleep] SEE
THESE HATERS THOUGHT ♪ ♪ I WAS PLAYIN' STAYIN' AWAY
FROM MY FACES ♪ ♪ WITH ALL THE BULL[bleep] ♪ ♪ THEY SAYIN' BUT JUST REMEMBER
WHO YOU TAUNTIN' WHEN YOU TOSSIN' THOSE GAUNTLETS I'M DAN SMITH AND THE WEST
IS GETTIN' ROWDY LIKE MONSTERS
