- All right, listen up, y'all. I'm y'all's substitute teacher,
Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20 years
in the inner city, so don't even think
about messing with me. Y'all feel me? - Mm-hmm. - Okay. Let's take roll here. Jay Quellin. Where's Jay Quellin at? No Jay Quellin here? Yeah. - Uh, do you mean "Jacqueline"? - Okay. So that's how it's gonna be. Y'all wanna play. Okay, then. I got my eyes on you,
Jay Quellin. Balakay. Where is Balakay at? There's no Balakay here today? Yes, sir. - My name is Blake. - Bl... Are you out of
your goddamn mind? "Blake"! What? Do you wanna go to war, Balakey? - No. - 'cause we could go to war.
- No. - I'm for real. I'm for real. So you better check yourself. Dee-nice. Is there a Dee-Nice? If one of y'all says
some silly-ass name... This whole class
is gonna feel my wrath. Now, Dee-Nice. - Do you mean "Denise"? - You say your name right,
right now. - Denise?
- You say it right. - Denise.
- Correctly. - Denise.
- Right. - Denise.
- Right. - Dee-Nice?
- That's better. Thank you. Now, A.A. Ron. Where are you? Where is A.A. Ron right now? No A. A. Ron, huh? Well, you better be sick,
dead or mute, A.A. Ron. - Here! Oh, man. - Why didn't you answer me
the first time I said it, huh? - Huh? - You know, I'm just asking you.
I said it, like, four times. So, why didn't you say it the first time
I said, "A.A. Ron"? - Because it's pronounced
"Aaron". - Son of a bitch! You done messed up, A.A. Ron! Now take your ass on down
to Oh-Shag-Henessy's office, right now, and tell him exactly
what you did! - Who?
- Oh-Shag-Henessy! - Principal O'Shaughnessy? Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break
my foot off in your ass! Insubordinate... and churlish. Tym-Oh-Thee. - Present. - Thank you. - All right, we're gonna
take a little roll here. Jay-Kwelin.
- Here. - You are present?
Ba-Lakay. - Uh, here.
- Uh-huh. - De-Nice, Good.
- Here. - Je-Seeka. Thank you. - Mr. Garvey? - What is it, A-Aron? - Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today. - Oh. - Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hmm. - And what, pray tell... is the reason
for this premature exodus? - Yearbook photos. Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early to meet up with our clubs. - [chuckles] All right, you know what? That might work
with other substitute teachers, but I taught in the inner city
for over 20 years. Now, y'all wanna leave
my class early, so y'all can go meet up
at the club. Ain't none of y'all old enough
to go to the damn club! Ridiculous. - Mr. Garvey?
- Dumb son of a bitch! Did I st-st-st-st-st-stutter? - Just then, yes. - I'm gonna throw you
out the goddamn window! What, Jay-Kwelin? - Mr. Garvey, we're...
we're telling the truth. We... We have clubs
at the school. We have clubs
for special interests. - Okay, I see.
So y'all wanna play. Y'all wanna play. Yeah, okay,
we gonna play little games. Fine. I'll play. I'm more than happy to play
some games with y'all. Anyone who's in a club,
stand your ass up. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah,
there it is, there it is. The usual suspects. What the hell club
are you in, Jay-Kwelin? - Future leaders of America. - Okay, okay. How would you know
if you're gonna be a leader in the future? Is there a stargate
in your bedroom? Can you travel through time,
Jay-Kwelin? - No.
- Then sit the flip down! Ba-Lakay,
l... Here's the thing. I don't even know
why I'm about to ask you this. Ba-Lakay, what club are you in? - I'm part of the Spanish club. - Span... The Sp... You about
as Spanish as Ree-On Seacrest, with your big-ass
Fraggle Rock hair! How about you, De-Nice? - I'm in the chess club. - Uh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, you are not in the chest club. The mosquito bite club, maybe. - Ah, that's hurtful.
- Truthful. There he is. - A-Aron...
- Hey. - What club are you in? - I'm the president
of the glee club. Why did I talk? - The glee club? Aah! Like they gonna have a club dedicated to a TV show! Take your ass, to O-Shag-Hennessey's
office right now, before I bust a club
up in your butt! - Okay.
- Go! - [crying]
Okay, I'm gonna go. - Mischievous and deceitful! Chicanerous and deplorable. - This is Principal
O'Shaughnessy. Students, please report
to the gymnasium for your club photos. - Fake announcement. Now, does anybody in here
have a valid reason for leaving this classroom? T-Mothy. - I gotta go pick up
my daughter. - You're excused.
Mr. Garvey: Ahuva? Ahuva? Yo name sounds like a got-damn vacuum cleaner! ;)
It's an all-time classic!
I love Key & Peele