Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 3

hey what's up guys thanks for joining me today for this video today we're gonna be talking about type 3 we're gonna be talking about the highside and low-side of type 3 or what we might say the stress or what what they look like under stress what they look like when they're doing well what type threes look like when they're integrated or disintegrated of course you know on the Enneagram that 3 when they're not doing well moves to 9 when they're under stress and when they're doing well moves to 6 and so we want to unpack that a little bit talk about that and try and explain that in a way that makes sense and is encouraging to you if you're a type 3 or help you at least understand the people in your life that are type threes so that you can be more compassionate with yourself and more compassionate with with them now I think that a helpful metaphor that I'm using throughout this series on on the high and low of each type is of the cabin you know in the wilderness and so think of the cabin you know out there on the hillside and and it has a number three on it and that's where the three lives in that state of the achiever or you know on either side of the three are two different neighbors on one side there's the neighbor too you know and so neighbor two you can as a three you can go down the road there and borrow from that neighbor the two is concerned about being helpful about giving and being pleasing and you know being there of being used to others and helping others any way they can and the three can borrow from that neighbor and they can use all of their achievement that they've accomplished in life as a way of inspiring and motivating others and helping others and being concerned for others and their growth and the other neighbor is for the three the other side is is for is type four and type 4 is the individualist you know type four is very concerned with listening to their inner voice and being authentic to themselves and being creative being unique and special and is very concerned about you know where they're places and in doing something meaningful with their life and doing something you know important something valuable not just settling for you know the the status quo and so the three can tap into that energy as well and can go down and borrow from that neighbor and so the three and all of their accomplishing and all their achieving can you know tap into that energy of the four and do it in a very creative way stand out from the competition be different and unique and you know differentiate themselves from from the crowd and at the bottom of the hill is your outhouse and that's where you go when you're in times of stress too you might say relieve yourself when you get overwhelmed or you know under stress and in in over your head and for the three that stress number or that outhouse is the nine when threes aren't doing well they move to the nine meaning they they kind of get to the point where they they may feel like the odds are stacked against them and there's no way to overcome the challenges that they're facing in this particular situation or that they can't win and so their regular standard you know tactic is to just work harder and apply themselves you know in a greater more diligent way and if that doesn't work for them you may see them move to the low points of type nine and in their outhouse you know they kind of get to the point where they realize you know I don't care they may become apathetic they may become disengaged they may have a lack of emotion and kind of become numb paralyzed you might say ordinarily they're a very assertive type a very driven type and now in their unhealth they're become withdrawn and disengaged disenchanted disconnected and and are doing poorly and you can sit in that outhouse for as long as you want to but if you observe yourself that that's where you are that you're you know down in that low point and sitting in that outhouse realize you know nobody's gonna want to come visit you nobody's gonna want to you know play with you when you're when you're there and you just have to decide how long do I want to stay here and maybe I'm done you know being down here and with some work and some effort you can make your way back up to your home the outhouse isn't your home so don't get comfortable down there you need to move back to that three space and at times you can even move beyond that three space up to the top of the hill where the orchard is and pick from the fruit of the six for the three the place of health or the place of integration is to pick up the best energy from the six and of course the six is called the Loyalists you know or sometimes called the loyal skeptic because the six is kind of sweet and sour they're kind of hot and spicy you know they've got some loyalty in them but they've also got some skepticism but the three picks up the best of the six they pick up that loyal mentality of instead of just doing what it takes to win or doing what's best to showcase my talent or to get ahead of the pack the three when they're healthy starts thinking about being loyal to something greater themselves like to the team to the organization the three picks up that that desire to move everybody ahead and advance the the whole group ahead and not just advance themselves and so that's when three is is integrated you might say or moving to health I think something that is helpful to understand is you know twos threes and fours are all in the same group in the Enneagram they're all in the Werth group the value group the feeling group although threes don't look like a feeling type because they often shut out since they're in the center of that type you know the three being right in the middle they go deaf to their own feelings they get kind of stuck in a doing and thinking mode you know what do I need to do and you know in thinking about what they need to do to move themselves away from shame I know threes don't think about it like that they don't think they're moving away from shame they think they're moving toward goals but those goals are there because you're moving away from shame twos threes and fours are all asking the question essentially why am I here you know what's my worth what's my value what do I bring to the table they kind of feel like they have to give a reason for being alive you know that there's not value in just existing or just being a human or just being created in the image of God they feel like they have to demonstrate their value and their worth twos do this by putting the spotlight on you and and becoming pleasing to you so that you will then value them or see their value fours do this by differentiating themselves from everybody else and thus making themselves indispensable because I'm not like anybody else everybody else is replaceable but not me I'm a four and threes do this by overcoming and achieving and you might say putting the spotlight on themselves polishing up their image polishing up themselves to become the most admire belen desirable form of a person they could be and I think it's helpful you know to think about it like this twos threes and fours they're all in a sense saying to the rest of us I'm not like anybody else I'm not like everybody else okay that's what they're doing the two you could say it like this they're saying look I'm not like everybody else I'm a servant I'm a caregiver I'm helpful I'm pleasing to you I'm not like everybody else other people out there or mean cruel rude direct harsh angry hurtful only think about themselves and a2 says I'm not like that okay and the floor says I'm not like everybody else everybody else just works hard to blend in and to you know fit in and everybody you know just copies what everybody else is doing and they don't give a lot of thought or time or attention to the important weighty things of life and I'm not like everybody else I stand apart from the group I stand on the outside looking in and so I'm not like everybody else so I'm unique I'm different and I'm special I'm creative the three does this by saying I'm not like everybody else and that I won't give up I will overcome I will show up earlier I will stay later I will do whatever it takes to win I'm a fighter a contender I won't I won't be beaten I'm a leader okay and in that sense if you're a leader and probably most threes would think of themselves as leadership at least leadership potential if you were a leader than what are you not you're not like everybody else because everybody else is a follower and so threes you know are well let's look let's look at some of the information okay this video is supposed to be about the passive integration I'm kind of getting off subject threes can become pushy impatient intolerant when they feel like they're dealing with people who are incompetent which is a lot of people from their perspective you know that people are incompetent and and or what they view as incompetent threes can get pretty frustrated by that and they may withdraw from the group and tend to work alone thinking that I can get this done a lot faster I can get this done better I can overcome if everybody would sort of step aside and let me do my job they can become addicted to work I think once also could become addicted to work you know and sort of find their identity at work maybe eight to some degree but um theories can definitely become addicted to work you know because work often is the proving ground work often has merit based incentives and accomplishments you know you can work your way up in most organizations and achieve status and accomplishment you know you can't necessarily do that at home I mean you don't get a price at home for being you know for all that you accomplish at home and so threes if they don't see a path you know to improving themselves and to you know distinguishing themselves they may get very frustrated with their job because you know what am i working for if I can't move ahead in a threes mine so they can become very addicted to work they can not allow themselves to relax or recharge they can stay so focused they become workaholics they become overworked to the point of even becoming sick or injured or certainly at times maybe injuring their relationships injuring their home life maybe to the neglect of their family or the neglect of their of their children they can be so focused and I know as a three you think you're running toward goals you think you're running toward accomplishments but I want you to consider you know ask the question you know what am i running away from don't just think what am i running toward but you really stop and think about that for a second what am i running away from what is it that I'm afraid of what is it that I that I I'm compensating for what is it that I feel like you know is insufficient in myself then that I can't rest that I can't just relax that I can't just say you know enough and threes because they're so driven well even that we're driven think about it that means something else or someone else is behind you driving you that means there's a force behind you that's compelling you that's impulsing you that's pushing you that's driving you you know being led is different than being led or being called that's something to think about right there the difference between being called and being driven called means there's something in front of you that's moving you toward it driven means there's something behind you pushing you you know like think about like farmhands driving cattle and an unhealthy three is going to look very driven and what is it that's driving you and I would suggest that the India gram is telling you that it's the sense of shame that's driving you is that I can't be overweight I can't you know not have a perfect image I can't not be ultra successful at work I can't have a family life that people perceive is problematic there's this sense in which you know you're being pushed and compelled and I want you to wrestle with that a little bit and think about it you know what is it that you're driving me and why do I care so much about these things why it keeps me from being able to relax why does it keep you from being able to relax and be okay sometimes with life the way it is and when you're not okay with life the way it is it's it's hard for you to be present to life again you're always envisioning better tomorrow and and what you could accomplish you know tomorrow or what you could accomplish today to make tomorrow better that it's hard for you to just enjoy what you're doing and enjoy the moment and threes rarely stop you know and just enjoy life it's always like no if I get a few more you know dollars in the bank then tomorrow I'll really be able to enjoy but the problem is tomorrow never comes and when it does you've had a big heart attack and you know or your family is abandoned you because you've abandoned them and weren't there for them so it can be very difficult for threes to relax to rest to say enough is enough to say I don't need you know to accomplish this next I don't need to take this next hill I don't need you know to to push this envelope any farther sometimes can work themselves to injury or to exhaustion and can become increasingly emotional or sad which is something that's hard for threes to tap into their emotions but maybe when they get to that point where they're losing and it becomes obvious and they can't hide it anymore they're losing their family they're losing their job they're losing their prestige you know then maybe at that point when it becomes so problematic that they can't be ignored anymore you might see that three sort of like pause and stop and become very sad when they're just work harder tactic doesn't work anymore the discomfort from feeling their feelings the discomfort from feeling your feelings may be driving you to accomplish in to work more but when you have to sit and with your feelings you know and sit with those difficult feelings and own those difficult feelings and become compassionate of the emotions of others when your professional face can't hide your stress anymore you know when when trying to hide your stress becomes more stressful than you can handle at those times you might see the three kind of look like a nine in that they may sort of disconnect from work disconnect from life go dark even sometimes get addicted or get addicted to pain relievers or to medications pull their blinds shut become unmotivated undisciplined depressed lacking emotion certainly becoming less efficient and in those ways picking up the worst of sloth of the night now when that's your outhouse and if you're there hiding it doesn't help you okay just recognizing that's where you're at and recognizing that you're in a place of unhealth right now and you're under stress is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is just to say okay that's where I am I have kind of felt like I've given up I am exhausted I am frustrated I am so sick of incompetence and I now I feel incompetent myself and you know when you get to that place recognizing reality is the first and most important step to changing yourself okay or improving yourself and if you really want to improve yourself you got to be real about where your starting point is if you're in the outhouse you know down there for you that's the number nine recognize that and now let's start making some efforts to go back to our home let's let's not live in this outhouse any longer the Sun is going to shine again okay and maybe you have lost the job or maybe you have lost your family or maybe you've lost your good name but that doesn't mean your game is over you know you can pick back up but you got to you you've got to have some compassion on yourself and maybe your your typical way of approaching problems of overcome at any cost is not going to help you at this time feeling your pain and feeling others pain and becoming more sympathetic that's what's going to help you is getting in touch with that part of yourself that you like to shut off and for you know threes feelings and emotions just get in your way but you need to be able to tap into those and say what is it I'm feeling right now you know what is it that's going on in my heart right now that is gonna be your path back to health is to get in touch with your like lean on that for neighbor a little bit Who am I Who am I and what makes me different you know what is it I care about what is it I like not how do I become more successful but it's kind of the question is why do you need to become more successful why what is it getting you if you're at this point in your life and you're so frustrated heartache and upset and angry then is that real do you really want more of that you know so you got to ask yourself you know what is that that I really want out of life not how do I get ahead or how do I accomplish or how do I get in front of but it's kind of like imagine you're running at high speed as fast as you can you get in your car and you're driving as fast as you can because we're going on vacation and then you know after eight hours of breaking the speed limit you get out and realize you're in Arkansas and you think to yourself okay I made it to Arkansas in breakneck speed and as fast as I could go but I don't want to live in arc I don't want to come to Arkansas why why am I in Arkansas see you never gave a lot of thought to where you were going you just gave a lot of thought to how can I get there as fast as possible and now you're at this point in your life where you get out and you look at the map and you're like I don't want to be here you're you're 2 hours ahead of your of everybody else but you're in Arkansas Arkansas is not where you want to go on vacation I'm not trying to pick on Arkansas live in Florida so you know it is what it is but you want to make sure that your car is pointed in the right direction before you start driving as fast as you can just think you drive as fast as you can that comes at a price right it comes at an expense it creates what wear and tear on your car and on you for making that breakneck race that speed for keeping that up you've had to pay a price sometimes that price is worth it but oftentimes it's not you're damaging yourself and you're damaging your car and you get out and you don't even want to be where you're at that is the proverbial danger of being a xxx is make sure you take a little time and ask yourself where do I want to go on vacation where do I want to end up in life not how do I get there fastest but where do I really want to go and you may realize you know an hour away is a beautiful little spot that would be a great week vacation I don't have to go fast I don't have to beat everybody there I don't have to go on some enormous overcoming you know epic journey what I really want might be right in my own backyard and that's one of the things I think the three can miss is what you want could be right in your own backyard so when three moves to health when they go up to the top of the hill to where the orchard is and they pick some good fruit and and are sustained where are they moving they're moving toward a six six is the Loyalists six is the person that says what does everybody doing I should probably just do that fit in I'm safe everybody's going to be okay because we're all taking care of each other we're following the rules we're we're relating well together so we're all okay right and so the three picks up some of that energy instead of trying to outdo the pack you know and get to the front of the line they're okay with just being in the group and just being a part of the team and what can we do to help everybody move forward and so there's a certain contentment contentment that the three finds they can relax a little bit they don't feel like they've got to pull out and excel you know it's such a breakneck speed their competition or competitive sense of life drops a little bit they've become more warm with people more friendly they become they grow in their concern for others and for what others are doing and everybody's not incompetent but everybody's just themselves and it's okay to be yourself and and they start to care about people more I should say and become more willing and this is gonna be hard for you because it goes against everything that your personality and our business model in America believes is they get more comfortable being a follower where the nine needs to be challenged to be more of a leader the three often needs to be challenged to just be one of the group that is going to sound so counterintuitive to what you believe that it's probably hard for you to to hear it and you probably think this guy doesn't know what he's talking about and maybe I don't but I think for a three you know being a leader in one sense means you're in front of people right that's the typically what we think of but in another sense being a leader you're following you're following an agenda okay you're following principles or you're following a great mentor alright so in another sense a leader is really just kind of the first follower the follower in front of all of the other followers so whatever it is you're trying to accomplish in life you've got to follow a certain set of principles you've got to follow and be willing to follow a certain set of guidelines and if you could think of yourself just this minor adjustment that I don't need to focus on being a great leader I need to figure out what principles I'm going to follow and I'm going to be the best follower I can be to that set of principles or to that mentor or to that guide I'm gonna be the best follower I can be and if that puts me in front of others then I guess I'll be their leader but my intention is not really so much to lead as it is to be true to those ideals that I've set for myself or true to that person that is mentoring me and if you could see yourself as a follower who is leading other followers that may take some of the edge off of that driven as' that you feel at times and be okay with just being a person be a person first not just a doer human being I think this is a good place you know for us to end this video thank you guys for watching this video I hope it's been encouraging to you a lot of information I hope has been challenging and you know to you and of course as always I say be present to life don't miss what's right in front of you because you're so focused on achieving your goals or making things better that you miss what's right in front of you if you guys want to reach out I do Skype and FaceTime appointments with people you can just follow the link in the description under this video take care guys I'll see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 19,278

Rating: 4.9635701 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, Family, love, relationships, home, personalities, parenting, type 3, type three, enneagram type 3

Id: fIZ65Oyy5mQ

Length: 27min 55sec (1675 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 23 2020