The Best of: Iliza Shlesinger

i know a lot about dating because i watch a lot of dates that sounds creepy i host a dating show so i've learned a lot about men and women and their interactions and one important thing that i've learned is that when you like someone and you want to impress them what do you do you lie you have to because if people knew how weird you were in your off time no one would have you guy says to you what do you like to do for fun girls you can't be honest can't be honest about that you can't be honest about what you were doing 10 minutes before you came to the door you have to lie what do you like to do for fun you can't tell him you can't be like i really enjoy choreographing naked cheerleading routines to old britney spirit cds and then i google a bunch of hentai porn masturbate don't wash my hands facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends jot down their place of employment for future reference and then i go bake some cookies and then i mouth kiss my dog and promise her that one day she'll be my wife you can't say that nine times out of ten guy asks a girl what do you like to do for fun the girl's answer will be hiking i love hiking i do i do don't i do i love hiking i do hiking's i love hiking i do i love it i love hiking no you don't stop lying you don't like really stacy you like hiking where are your trail spikes where's your walking stick where's your lesbian mountain partner you don't like hiking you don't even know what hiking is most modern girls don't really know what hiking is okay to the average girl hiking is you wake up whenever you want you put on lululemon yoga pants because they make your butt look unreasonably good as they should for 800 dollars and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are that's hiking yeah i do it too promise you this girls it's not a sport if you can drink a starbucks and have a pita while you're doing it do you want a piece of pita hiking but there's a method to our madness there's a reason women say hiking we say hiking because we think guys like hiking that's why we're doing it we'll be outside where the bugs are no i think you like that we're taught to believe that men are outdoorsy and rugged and they like nature as far as we're concerned you're the closest thing we know to a bear so we say hiking hoping to have something come with you we honestly say hiking hoping that you'll be like you like hulking i like hiking marry me it's the easiest thing you can say that you do it's one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie and say that you do it having never done it before and then do it and pull it off because it's walking you can't pull that off you shouldn't be mating with anyone you can't most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill for example you can't say you like rock climbing if you've never been rock climbing i mean you can but i promise you this you're gonna go you're gonna slip you're gonna get your hand caught in a rock 127 hours later stump's not getting you a second date i promise you that i don't know if girls want to hear this but the truth is 90 of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy's attention okay and it's just the way we're built biologically this is just something we do we love to get your attention it's part of the sport of it all right you think i go to a sports bar because i like warm beer and sticky bar stools no i go because there's guys there you think i do a pub crawl every year cause i like it when my liver hurts no i go because there's guys there we don't wear heels for our circulation we do it to prop up our butt so you'll look at me and want to mate with me that's why we do it this isn't a game all right this isn't a push-up bra it's body armor and this ain't makeup sweetheart it's war paint let's make a baby if you work for an airline i hate you okay i hate you and i don't want to hear no my cousin sheila's a real sweetheart she works for southwest your cousin sheila all right your cousin sheila is a goddamn and i'll tell you something else the only reason people work for airlines is because the nazi party is no longer hiring i don't have an issue thank you i don't have an issue with flying my issue is with the boarding of the plane has anyone else here ever had the misfortune of being stuck in boarding zone four like that's when you have a seat you have a ticket because you're holding it but you're so low on the food chain it pretty much goes like first class luggage terrorist maybe you and they take such painstaking care to board zones one through three and if you don't fly that airline often enough you are sol in terms of getting on that plane because they are boarding groups of people that you didn't even know you could apply to be part of we're gonna start boarding flight 556 the dallas fort worth we're gonna start boarding zone one these are our first class passengers our first members our gold members our golden shower members our golden eagle members our eagle face members if you have an eagle face instead of a person face cause you lost your face in some sort of horrible holiday turkey deep fry accident you didn't have enough butt fat to get a nose grafted onto your face so you had to borrow them from an eagle so now you have a beacon you like to eat mice you can get on the plane boarding zone two these are our silver members our silver star members our silver server members anybody likes comic books you're a nerd you can sit in the back of the plane so for hair if you're old hurry the up silver spoons if you like ricky schroeder 80s tv shows you were born really well then you get on the plane silver bullet summer no ma'am you cannot bring your coors light up in this boarding zone three these are these are our copper members our copper star members our convert topper members anybody using a duracell operating device i'll give a if it's a pacemaker you turn that off for takeoff copperhead if you have a copperhead snake as a pet instead of a normal goddamn pet like a dog or a cat you're like it i'm gonna get me a snake yeah you dad i'm not going to law school i'm going to go to art school online and learn how to draw dragons and manage a hot topic in my spare time i love my snake i'm bringing her thanksgiving her name is judy wearing snake love i love her so much don't touch me mom you get on the plane and boarding's on four you can go yourself now boarding all zones i spent a lot of time traveling spend a lot of time in hotels and as a result of it i watch a lot of tv and i think the saddest commercial out there has to be the spca sarah mclaughlin ad seen it with the up animals [Applause] can i tell you a secret about this commercial it knows when you're alone [Applause] do you ever notice it only comes on when you're by yourself maybe you're drunk you're vulnerable right so in honor of that commercial i have a treat for you guys [Applause] this is my cat my dog blanche and i adopted her and sometimes when you adopt an animal you don't know their backstory so for blanche i made one up in in my house we pretend that blanche used to be a dog prostitute [Applause] which makes sense because as you can tell she's a little sad behind the eyes but she clearly has no problem with you staring at her dog vagina make it rain thank you for the money so in honor of that commercial she and i are now going to do our rendition of it for you here we in the go of the angel far away from here [Applause] [Music] you that's it that's it for blanche let's get serious my dog is so cute i want to hurt her do you ever get that way when something is so cute it makes you angry i just went like look at its nose you forget that way when something is so cute you don't know if you can trust yourself around it i used to get that way with my nana she's like this tall and you ever hug your grandparents push you down the stairs you ever feel that way you ever feel the earth just what if i just like hypothetically sometimes i get that way around garbage disposals you ever just put your hand in just to feel the feel of fear you reach the other hand over you don't touch the switch but you hover around you're like what if i just no yeah i don't do that either it was just a joke sometimes you get that way with cute things like babies sometimes babies are so cute sometimes babies are not so cute but sometimes babies so cute little fat little baby cheek you just want to rip a cheek off but you can't because you won't be loud around the baby anymore that's for goddamn sure never order a lobster on a date the lobster is the most expensive thing on the menu okay so just know that if you order and consume a lobster you have to touch your dates wiener you have to okay it's like a sexual contract from the sea it's binding now keep in mind he wants you to get the lobster it's not going to make you get it but he's hoping you'll come to that conclusion on your own it's open you'll be flipping through the menu and you'll be like i don't know what to get like i'm just i don't know i'm eating fresh this week i'm eating a lot of fresh things that's my new thing fresh i'm going to do fresh food oh lobster should i should i get it should i get it should i get the lobster should i crack it open on my head like an otter eat it off my chest lobster yeah cause then it's weiner time this sunday at vagina here's how it's gonna go down okay you're gonna be making out later and now guys this is for you to know just so you know as girls we like to make out with you when we first meet you we like to make out with you a couple times and then leave right when you think we're gonna sleep with you okay we do it to make sure that you like us but if you want to know the truth they teach us this in high school while you're off building a birdhouse in shop class we were off learning how to be annoying here's how it happens you're going to be making out and you'll notice that when a girl makes out with you and leaves you we always leave in a very sweet way because we want you to have a nice impression of us for later right so it's always like okay i gotta go bye bye i like you too stop it it's always very sweet right i've gone as far as to sometimes bring a little thing of vanilla body spray and when he gets up to go to the bathroom i spray it on his pillow that way later when he texts me he's like oh my god my pillow still smells like you i'm like that's amazing i don't know why you can get creative with it you can take a handful of glitter on your date and then after you're leaving just be like okay i gotta go bye you bring a smoke bomb and then like still be standing there because you don't know magic girl's always leaving a sweet way we never leave in a huff it's never like well i got mine eat my later up never doing that so we're gonna be making out later and here's how it's gonna go we're gonna be making out okay so this is making out okay i'm 12. this is making out looks like the guy's gonna be like oh i like making out with you so much i like making out with you tonight was so fun it was really fun you're so hot i know this is so fun i really like you're so pretty i know this is great i am pretty oh i like you a lot so you want to keep going girls that's your cue all right well i gotta go what i gotta go bye later and the guy is gonna try to get you to stay right as he should you can't just walk out of a spider's web you really gonna go come on come on amber you really gonna go you really gonna go really gonna go [Applause] [Music] really let's go you're just gonna go huh [Applause] you're just gonna leave it like this i'm sorry were we in the middle of open heart surgery i'm pretty sure you're fine yeah i'm not a doctor per se but i'm fairly confident that blood will return to your system walk it off champ [Applause] you

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 1,065,006

Keywords: entertainment, comedy, comedians, humor, Comedy Dynamics, sketch, stand up comedy, funny, comedy video, just for laughs, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, iliza shlesinger, iliza shlesinger stand up, iliza shlesinger mark wahlberg love scene, iliza shlesinger party goblin, iliza shlesinger elder millennial, iliza shlesinger breakup, iliza shlesinger baby leg, iliza shlesinger joe rogan, iliza shlesinger mermaid, LSOSCDS9016, LaughComedyDynamics

Id: qmT9OuWkwxo

Length: 14min 34sec (874 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 03 2021