-Hey dude, I'm back from the store! -Did you get the game? He's gonna be here any minute!... -Yup!....I got Dark Souls 3, not bad huh? -Dark Souls 3??... Are you kidding me? He hasn't even played the first two! -What? Are you sure?? -I'm telling you man, he's totally gonna bail at the Abyss Watchers if not sooner... ...100% we are wasting our money. -Ahh...Damn it...I think you're right… It's a...it's a little late but..maybe I can go back to the store and they'll... -Aaaand....he's here. -Hey guys. -Heeey! Happy birthday man! -Happy Birthday dude!!! And here's a gift for our Italian buddy! -Woah!! Thanks guys!!... And you got me a present too? Oh Dark Souls....3.... I mean heard this one is awesome but I.... I haven't played the first two games yet... You sure I'm gonna like it? -Uh..sure!
-Yeah, totally man! It's uh.....it's gonna be fine! -You're gonna have a good time. -Um....Jesus...! That's a little dramatic... Ok... here we go! -Yes, indeed. When the fire is fading... The Majestic Pudding of the Lords is ready to be served. And each and every one of them wants a spoonful. The little Pointy Hats And the big boys too. What?.... All right, that was...weird? Well...Let's plough through this real quick. Ok apparently I suck....right off the bat, good!... Um.....Giant Oreo Cookie? No idea what that means... uh..
....Uggggh!!!... Ok...You know what?... I'm gonna tweak that a little bit... but I'm not gonna waste too much time on this...i mean i got things to do and God Damn it! Why the f*ck they all look so damn constipated!!! ........F**********CK! Look...I don't care anymore... I'm good to go. It's not perfect but, it's alright. This is so fucking stupid. SHUT UP! Slow and steady.....we don't want to die just yet... Alright...my friends warned me about these.... Classic troll message!... I wonder who's that stupid to fall for this. -WOAH! Treasure ahead? Here I come!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!! -Mmmh.... Ok, I guess...pulling the sword out is the only way to proceed. Wait a second... I should call an ambulance first, better safe than sorry! -We removed most of the demon tentacles, uh... disinfected the wound... just give him a few pellets every now and then and he should be fine. -Alright thanks! Soooo.... We square now? I guess it’s a no.. Quick!! Healing potion!!! uhh..uuuuhh....!!!! Woah....this place is awesome! -Welcome home Ashen one, I'm a Fire Keeper. Before taking this job I was a character from Dead or Alive. I knew it.... -The Lords of Cinder are being a bunch of little sissies and they won't sit on their thrones. Please help us Ashen One, and don't forget to talk to every person in the shrine. -You mean like him? -WELLLCOME!!! -No, you f****** brainless waste of f***** a******. I’m talking about the old handmaid. -Ashen One....I see that you've broken your bottle of syrup! There there...take this new one for free. Beware though! *burps* -whaat? -...too much syrup will make you see things differently! He..he...he... -Prithee be careful... If ye don’t quit staring at me I'm gonna squander my hammer on your face. -Ok! I'm ready!
Let's do this. -Very well... -Puah! *cough* What the fuck!!?? *cough* Is this sand??!... Alright...I'm not gonna be one of those casuals... Bring it on Dark Souls 3!! *cries* Uhuhuhu....I caaan't....uuhhhh Hey little buddy?.... Wh-what is this??? Uhhhh..... Fetch!!! -I thought we were supposed to pick him up!... -No you idiot!...We have to catch the guy with the banner! -Oh no...they are way too many...
How am I gonna? WOW!! What the...?!... Oh there's a giant on that tower!... THANKS MISTER GIANT!!! oh... WOW...Really? NO SHIT!... ...assholes. Woah! That went....pretty far!... Well, not my problem... AM I RIGHT?... Nope! F*ck it. I'll find another way. AAAAHHH!!! This is a nightmare!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! huh?? ..what? Oh my god!!!... I think I cracked the code!... As long as I open stuff..... ...I'M INVINCIBLE!!! -Please more doors, please more doors, please more doors!!!! Ugh....ugh...i don't feel really good... -Oh hello! How do you do, fellow traveler? I'm Anri of Astora. I hope you know what you are doing, venturing in this wretched land. -Pfft...off course! I know all the...things...like..totally! Like... Well, if you claim to know everything... Then show us how you praise the sun. ...ouch.... -God damn, these f*cking crabs!! Yuk!... Ugghhh!! Look at that giant one! Ewwww...so nasty! Welp! As long as I keep my distance.... I've got nothing to worry about! Mmmh...these look pretty rare I think... I should probably save them for later!! God damn it, I can't see the boss!... Oh, there he is!!! Ha ha ha!! What's up Gandalf?......You're a little shy??? Yup. Totally making crystal meth. I'm pretty sure I missed a boss fight here... Let me check the wiki real quick.... WAAAAA!!!!! MY EARS!!!!!!!! WHO'S PLAYING THIS HORRIBLE MUSIC???!!! Alright FROM SOFTWARE!... You think you can to stop me with some cliché level design?? HUH? Ha.. but I'll show you! Oh i'll show you! Oh...boy...this guy looks serious... Alright! Got the message....I'll be no my way! Ok, this is getting nowhere so... let's summon some random people... -He-hey!!!
-Heeeeey!! What's up dude??!! -Oh, it's you guys!! Um...can you give me a hand with this boss?... -Sure man! We're here to help you out. You are talking with Dark Souls veterans here... -Um...you guys...sure? -Right on dude! -Easy-Peasy Japanese! -Wait! Uh....uhhh...um... They were talking trash about your mom!... Uh...um.... ....back to the shriiiiiiine!!.. -You have something for me, Ashen One? -Uhhh...well I mean, I found a lollipop covered in shit but... I don't think you want that right?... -Gracious. -Ooooo kaaaay!?....... Well, let's take a look outside. Good. -Pickle Pee. Pickle Pee!
-Wow....where's this voice coming from?... -Pump-a-rum, pump-a-rum...
-That's so mysterious!.... -Pump a rum! Pump a rum! Pump a r... You want some C4?... -Listen uh...can I do some leveling up before go? -You can level up for free if you want! -Level up for free??? Count me in!!!! I'd like to do some legit level up please.... *cough* -Very well...then touch my left boob. -....whaaaaaaaat? -I mean... ...then touch THE DARKNESS within me. -Oh!...heh...I was gonna say!... *DAMN IT!* What?! Hey! F*ck you! I'm not dumb!! WHOOPS!.......... Well...! I'm pretty sure this works exactly like D&D. Mh...where was I.... oh...yeah. Let's head to the catacombs baby! HAH! Going down bitches??? I hope your boss doesn't suck as much as you do! Nice bracelets man! Where did you get them? -NUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! -'Scuse me, excuse me…pardon, scusi,…sorry…my bad! 100 bucks for a doll!? Alright...you guys are such dicks... Ooooh! This is soooo magical!! Uh-ooh!... Here comes the pooonies! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! huhh...huhh...huuhh... I should be safe here... WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! huuuuh.....ok......lesson learned... ...i need to be more cautious..... WOAH!!! Oh my god that's so awesome!! SWEET TATS!!!!! Aaaaaaaahhh!!!! Fuck it! I'm gonna hide in this treasure chest! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! Mmmh... I think I might be doing something wrong.... but I can't quite put my finger on it... Ah-ha!!! NOW WHAT!?... -You know I'm not dead, right?... -Ooooh... Ugh...another boss battle?? Well...guess I'll try out this new shield I just found... Oh...crap. Your Holiness...uh....look...I admit... I might have downloaded some mp3s back in the day... but hey...It's in the past...right?... Huh? Hey look there's a coin! aaah.. it's all rusty... huh? Pontiff?... Pontiff?? uuuh....Your Holiness? Oh well.... I'm just gonna go through this door real quick...ciao ciao! -Hey there... You should beware of this area unkindle one. He..he..he... -Well...I don't mean to brag but.... I think I've been doing quite well so far... You know...skills? WHAT THE? OH YOU MOTHER-F*CKER!!!!! -I'm fucking John Snow. -Shut the f*ck up! Leave me alone!!!! Leave me aloooone!!!!! Ha-haaa! Later losers! Alright...let's see...Anor Londo...Aldrich Devourer of Gods.... bla bla bla, yada yada...he's actually the blob, not the dude?... OK!....I have a plan... NO!...NO!! Bad Aldrich! This is the last cookie that you're getting today! Peekaboo, bitch. Woah...woah! wh...what's happening? huuuuh??? NO NO NO NO NO! AAAAHHHHH!!!! -Dear Little Ocelotte... Where have you gone?... Are you hiding from me? Come out, come out! Don't be afraid! -Yes! I'm HERE! -Uh...dude... I'm pretty sure it's Ocelotte...not Ocelot....yeah. -Oh!.... Well......You're pretty good! Both of you.... Bye! Tha fuck?... -Mmmh!!!! This sandwich is divine bro! -Wait! Someone's coming this way... -Oh jeez...how am I gonna go past these two now... Hey guys I was looking for you! Here's the eye drops that you told me to get you. No need to thank me though! Byeeeee!!! -Hey, it worked!! -He he...idiots.... huh?... Mmmmmh!!! This ramen is delicious with your soup! -Mmmh...mmmh... With extra onions my friend! Ho ho ho ho... -Damn, the bonfire placement was awful lately.... let's see what... OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!! UUUUUUUUH!! *gasping* Wait. Do I really need to breath even if I'm hollow?...mmmmh.... OH SHIT!!!! Need doors, need doors!! There's gotta be some doors in this castle! PLEASE!!! -Oh dear... Welcome...unkindled one Here's your Kindle. Now, you can learn more about the lore. -Sooo uhhh.....how...deep is the lore? -Let us show you... -WAAAAAAAAA!
-AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! -Ashen One...it's time for your ultimate quest.... -I'm ready...let's do this. Woah! This place looks crazy!! It kinda reminds me of that movie....what was it called... -I know right?
-Aah!! Huh? Excuse me sir...uh... do you think if I turn back... I get like a different ending or something? Sir??? UH!?? I really think they should include like a practice mode, like in Street Fighter... I know your weakness now.... That frosted tip haircut is lame as fuuuuuuuck. -Well done Ashen One. Now before you link the fire... Please enjoy the Majestic Pudding of the Lords. -Bail out, bail out, bail out...BAIL OUT! BAIL OUT!! BAIL OUT!! BAIL OUT!!!!! -Hey man! Dude!... DUUUUDE!!!!! -WHAT???!! -Congratulations man, we heard you finished Dark Souls 3! -Yup.... -Sooo.....are you ready for Dark Souls 1 now? Heh? -Wait! Come on MAN!! Wait!!
-GET OUT!......OUT!!
-HEY!!!
