[Intro music] Carla: Ma-aan, are you freaking serious? Sole Survivor: Just keep your pants on! Carla: My damn lung cancer moves faster than you! Sole Survivor: Ugh! Sole Survivor: All right fine! any of this disappears though-- Carla: Yeah, yeah, you're blaming me, right? Sole Survivor: Uhh... Yeah actually. Sole Survivor: H- How did you-- Carla: Uhhh, I do a lot of drugs with Mama Murphy... Lucas Miller: Hey traveller what can I do for you? Sole Survivor: Hey Lucas, Just wanted to sell you this and get going. Lucas Miller: Sure I uhhh... I can give you a hundred caps for that. Sole Survivor: Pfft! Are you serious? This is THE free man's will! [Ominous sound] Sole Survivor: Do you even know what this is capable of? Lucas: Look, we both know you're gonna take it, so... Sole Survivor: Dude, It's worth more than this whole shitty town. Lucas: Hey, hey! it's not my fault your old man never leveled your speechcraft. Sole Survivor: Whoa, man. Don't even... W-wait a second. Did you mean charisma? Lucas Miller: yeah... that's what I said. Sole Survivor: No you didn't! you sai-- Lucas Miller: Yeah I said charisma, okay asshole? You gonna take the trade or not? Sole Survivor: Just... why can't you admit what you said, man? Lucas Miller: See? This is what I'm talking about no speech craft-- (stammers) I mean-- *Growling* Sole Survivor: Oh.... shit! Sole Survivor: I-I'm sorry, you know. I feel like I should have known better, but-- Sole Survivor: Whoa Sole Survivor: Uhh... did...did did that Sole Survivor: Whoa... what? Mirelurk Queen: Um.. Sole Suvivor: Wait a minute... Sole Survivor: Wait a FUCKIN' minute! Mirelurk Queen: Um... Sole Survivor: I see what's happening here! It's like the same exact fucking ga-- *Sigh* Sole Survivor: All finished. Codsworth: good for you, sir! Sole Survivor: So, what do you think? Codsworth: Oh sir, i-it's so... Satisfactory for the time being! Sole Survivor: Thanks, codsworth. you know what, why don't you take the first place? Codsworth: Huh?, I'll be sleeping in our old house sir. Even 200 years after being nuked it's still better than that shit! Super Mutant 1: Men are stupid and dumb! Super Mutant 2: And weak! Super Mutant 1: I am strongest mutant there is! Super Mutant 2: Ha! you wrong! I am strongest Super Mutant! Super Mutant 1: No, I have minigun Super Mutant 2: Bah! rocket launcher much stronger than minigun! Super Mutant 1: You take words back! Super Mutant 2: or what?! Super Mutant 3: Shut up! Super Mutant 3: Both of you weak, I am strongest super mutant! *Laughter from Super mutants* Super Mutant 3: Shut up! I have strongest weapon (suddenly Mini nuke!) Super mutant 1 & 2: What the? Where you get that?! Super mutant 3: Well I-- Super mutant 1: Go put back! Super Mutant 3: You're just jealous that I have strongest weapon and I will smash humans with it! *Gunshot* Super Mutant 3: Because I am stronger super mu-- *Nuclear explosion* *sigh* Sole Survivor: That never gets old... *Feral ghoul growling* *Gunshot* Codsworth: Whoa, well done sir! Sole Survivor: Shhh. Could be more in here. Codsworth: Well, if that's the case we'll school them too! Sole Suvivor: Oh, I get it cuz-- Codsworth: -- We're in a school. So it's funny because it's ironic... Sole Survivor: Okay, would you just go loot him please? Codsworth: Absolutely sir. Sole Survivor: And make sure you grab those lamps too. Codsworth: Uhhh... Oh... *stammers* You want both of those lamps...? Sole Survivor: Yes, Codsworth. Is there a problem? Codsworth: Well, sir... Er... Unfortunately, I... Well, I can't take a lit lamp. Sole Survivor: W-Wait a minute you're telling me you can only loot a lamp that's not lit? Codsworth: Well... Probably, you know? I mean, most of the time... Sole Survivor: What the fuck are you talking about? Codsworth: Rules of the wasteland, I'm afraid sir. They don't always make sense, like, who even lit the thing? This place has been filled with ghouls for years! Sole Survivor: Okay, whatever. What about those chairs over there? I could really use the aluminum. Codsworth: Oh! Umm... No, but uh... Ooh, you can have this can! *pop* Sole Survivor: Hnngg... *Gunshot* Sole Survivor: Hrrnnnnggg.... *Gunshots* Sole Survivor: Why can't I fucking loot this thing?! Sole Survivor: Hnnnnggg.... *pop* Sole Survivor: Okay, look, I know it still isn't much, but it's a start, and it's a home for people without one, right? Codsworth: Oh, I suppose you're right, sir. These days, It's all about coming together. Sole Survivor: So you ready to fire this beacon up, buddy? Codsworth: Absolutely sir! let her rip! Sole Survivor: That's the spirit! All right, here we go! Codsworth: Well done, sir! Let this community be a shining example that mankind can again join hands and build a stronger future together! *Muttering though if you listen carefully you can hear stuff like my cat peed! or get the fuck out of here!* Codsworth: Well, sir... We tried... *mud crab chittering* Huh? *Ka BOOOOOOOOOOM!* Codsworth: Really sir? Lone survior: what? Codsworth: a nuclear grenade for that? Lone survior: Oh, come on codsworth. Have a little fun Codsworth: Fun? I enjoy vacuuming sir perhaps a bit of scrapbooking Lone survior: Okay. Codesworth: sir! you didn't even leave any pieces to salvage. Lone survivor: would you just relax? I'm sure there's a few chunks around here somewhere *codsworth grunts* Lone Survivor: See? Codsworth: *sigh* Well good luck getting anything from-- uuuh.. Well that um... Wait- What?! Huh?! What the *boop*, why would a crab even have, and and how did that even fit in a chunk of-- Lone survivor: Rules the wasteland codsworth Rules of the wasteland try and keep up *sighs* and by the way, did you just fucking bleep yourself? Protectron: Protectron ready to serve how may I be of... what the hell?! Oh shit! Wait! aghhh! oh fuck you man Lone Survivor: What are you doing? Protectron: I am coming to rip your heart out with my grippy thingies *pop* Lone Survivor: Hey, buddy Yeah, you remember me. Don't you? Whoa whoa, don't worry big guy. I'm not gonna like rip your toe off or anything. Super Mutant Goliath: Huh? I mean come on. Give me a little more credit than that... *Super mutant goliath screams in pain* I mean what would I even do with it right? Trader 1: Oh that's real nice. Trader 2: Yeah, whatever... Lone Survivor: Oh hey there. Trader 1: Um... me? Lone Survivor: Yep. You mind if we trade some things real quick Trader 1: Uhh Yeah sure, all right great. What did you uh? Um... Whoa hey, wait, uh yeah, you didn't trade anything you just you just stole on me shit Lone Survivor: Oh.. All right, man. Uh here. I've got something for you Trader 1: Well what the hell? Lone Survivor: Now, it's my last one. So you know don't spend it all in one place pal Hey there you mind if we trade some things real quick? Trader 2: Yeah, sure thing. Oh you fu-- Janet: Oh! Oh thank God, oh thank god you're here. Thank God. Lone Survivor: Woah hey calm down. Are you okay? Janet: Yeah I'm fi-- *stammers* No! I need your help Lone Survivor: Okay, well tell me what's wrong Janet: It's my friend and stuff. You see she broke her arm, and and now it don't work so good Lone Survivor: Uh huh... Janet: And now he can't really like a walk on it and shit Lone Survivor: Ah I see... and If he tries to get like to safety and move. well, she could make it worse for himself right? Janet: Right! and Exactly, and and. Lone Survivor: And then there's the children to consider I'm sure. Janet: Y-Yes! Kids in there and they got all broke shit too, so so if you could just follow-- Lone Survivor: *interrupting* Okay let me just stop you right there. I don't know smacked out of your mind. You are right now. Janet: Oh, I'm pretty zooooooooo weeeee Lone Survivor: Shh I just want to ask are you 100% sure you want me, a heavily armed, and armoured, fucking, WAR MACHINE! To help your friends? Janet: Ummmm... You got any chems? Lone Survivor: *sighs* a few I guess Janet: Then yep, follow meeeeeee... Heheh my friends are right up here... Raider 1: Oh ho you're dead now! Raider 2: Shit! Raider 1: My god! dammit Janet! *Janet laughs* Janet: You're so dead now you loser. Raider 1: No no not not dead. Raider 2: Oh, it's bad. Raider 1: No no no this is just a big misunderstanding... Raider 2: Oh this is worse than when she brought the deathclaw. Raider 1: Your not HELPING!! Raider 2: And there where eight of us then... Woah woah woah what the hell?! I can't move! Woah hey hey hey! what you doing?... aw shiiiiiiit Ooooh I fucking hate you, Janice. Oh wait wait. No no you made your point. I've changed Oh come on. Not in the face, man Huh? O-Okay, that's fair. Woah now just wait a minute. Oh, that's just cruel man. WOAH! Okay, okay, man look the arms are good. I don't even need my arms Oh hoh aw come on man... *pop* Codsworth Holding A Big Corn Lone Survivor: Excuse me Ghoul: Hey wanderer, how can I help you? Lone Survivor: I'm looking for a settlement nearby that's having some trouble with feril ghouls Ghoul: Ohhh okay, you must be the new boy from the Minutemen. Lone Survivor: Hey woah.. no no I'm their general. Ghoul: Oh, I'm sorry. You're their general. Okay, well that makes a lot of sense. Lone Survivor: What are you trying to say? Ghoul: Well you know generals are often sent out alone by lesser officers to handle dangerous low priority tasks and-- Lone Survivor: Look just where's the fucking settlement, dude? Ghoul: Where's... Huh? You're already in the settlement. Dude you think a general would be more perceptive Lone Survivor: No no THIS is not a settlement Ghoul: Ohhh yes, this is a settlement look. We've got crops See? Lone Survivor: Okay, that is A crop. You didn't even plant that did you? Ghoul: Well, my wife did. Lone Survivor: Well, where the hell is she? Ghoul: Oh, well she's right over there. Hey honey! Come say hello to the general She's Fucking Dead, Bro Ghoul: I'm sorry She's very rude when she's hungry. Lone Survivor: Listen you crazy bastard if you called me out here to kill a bunch of your fucking cousins Cuz you're too damn lazy to move to an actual-- you know what I'm out of here Ghoul: What? No! Lone Survivor: There's a real settlement up the road if you happen to find your marbles. Ghoul: Woah, wait but... but this is a real settlement! Look we've got a sign! *Lone Survivor Shoots The Sign* Mirelurk: *dies* Ghoul: Okay, so just a bit up the road, huh? Raider Chief: Are you friggin serious? You're the new recruit? Protectron: That is correct. RC: Your application said you were a sentry bot! Protectron: I am like a sentry bot. RC: You look like the shit a sentry bot took. Protectron: Not accurate. all I do is kill, kill, kill, no matter what. Bodies on my mind. I can never get en-- RC: Shut the fuck up! Protectron: Ooookay. RC: You're lucky we're desperate. The blue assholes've been taking us out left and right. Ah, shit! Get down, rookie! *clunk* Show your face, come on. I dare ya! Protectron: Yeah, only a friggin cow hides! RC: What the fu-- Have you not memorized your lines? Protectron: I am improvising. RC: No, no, no, no, we all stick to the script, rookie. Gahhh! I'll find you Protectron: Oh, um, no sign of him now. RC: No, idiot, you don't just blurt out some random shit You're making us look like a bunch of friggin retards. Protectron: I am sorry, I am nervous. RC: Gahh dammit. Protectron: Do you need medical attention? RC: This ain't my first gunfight, rookie. Come on out. I'll make it nice and quick! Well? Say something! Protectron: Um... *clears throat* I am jumping at shadows RC: What the fu-- *gets fucking shot in the neck god damn* Protectron: The jet will make you jittery. Preston: General. Lone Survivor: Yes, Preston? Preston: General, we need to talk. Lone Survivor: Can it wait? Kind of in the middle of something. Preston: Sir, people are depending on us to restore-- Lone Survivor: Peace to the wasteland Yeah. I know. Preston: And we can't do that while our leader hordes his 50th suit of power armor and plays two hundred year old video games all day! Lone Survivor: Okay, first of all you've never even tried video games because you were born in this shithole-- Preston: Well-- Lone Survivor: and come on you never have too much power armor, I mean get real-- Preston: Sir,-- Lone Survivor: You damned Minutemen could use a few sets if we're being honest here. What do you guys have? Fuckin coats? Preston: You can't ignore the Institute anymore general. We need to take them down. Lone Survivor: Look I have a plan all right, but you're probably not gonna like it. Preston: Doesn't matter sir. We need to end this. Lone Survivor: All right Preston, you're right. It's time... right after this round. Okay? I promise. Preston: I swear to God if you don't get up right now. I'll tell you how much I'm in love with you I am again, and how I just want to strap you down. Lone Survivor: OKAY, Nope nope I'm up. Let's fucking do this. Preston: General. Come in, General. We're in the reactor room. Do you copy? Maxson: Well, well. Preston: Oh how the hell did you get in here? Maxson: I could ask you the same question. I didn't think you security guards had the steel to compromise this facility. Preston: We don't. We teleported here, Maxson! Maxson: That's Elder Maxon to you, runt. Preston: Shouldn't you be off chasing the railroad? Maxson: No need for that anymore. P.A.M: Our probability of survival is approximately... zero. Maxson: Guess the institute caught up with them first. Now, if you don't mind, why don't you Minutemen go do what you do best? Retreat. Preston: Oh, hell no! The Minutemen are liberating the Commonwealth! You and your brotherhood of stupid better stand down! Maxson: over my dead body, Gravy. Preston Gravy: Man, you know that's not my name! And when the general gets here you're gonna wish you'd left when you had the chance. Maxson: Oh, yeah? Who the hell do you think we've been working with this whole time? Preston: No... no, no, you're a damn liar! Maxson: That's it. I've had about enough of your little neighborhood watch. Father: This is why humanity is doomed. This is why we chose to infiltrate rather than unite. Also, partly because of the B.O. It's just really bad, I don't know how we would get any work done... But it's mostly because you radioactive buffoons lack the capacity to work together for the common good. And that is why your general, and your paladin, and my father chose to join us. Preston: What the hell Maxson: You lie, old man. Shaun: Do I? Why don't you ask him yourself? Lone Survivor: Hey, fellas, I know you must have a lot of questions right about now, and I wish I had all the answers I guess I thought that maybe if I could just get you all together, that maybe we could stop the bloodshed. Maybe we could bury the hate, and the fear, and unite under the same principles that this great country was founded on. Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. *insert eagle screech* That we could share our might, and our knowledge, and our spirit for the greater good of all. Even if that means putting up with some of the morons. P.A.M: I believe he is talking about u- Railroad: SHUT UP, P.A.M! Lone Survivor: I guess I thought that if we could just come together, somehow. We'd be all right. Maxson: He's right. Shaun: Together, We could do more for the Commonwealth in a year and we could accomplish in a century at each other's throats. Preston: *tearfully* That's my boy, right there. Lone Survivor: But in the time we've spent fighting each other, you've all reminded me of something I learned a long time ago, and it's that war... war never changes... Preston: Oh, shit! Everyone out get the hell out of here! Shaun: Good one, Dad. Subscribe, Guys.
