*Entering Mars atmosphere* *prepare for imminent impact* *...well, actually the atmosphere of Mars is quite thin* *so there should be almost no friction at all...* *also, isn't it funny that they called it the red planet but it's colonized by the U.S?* *I'm sorry* Wh.......what? ._. Hey! Welcome to Mars marine, name's CJ. Hey C.J, nice to meet you. I heard the Major will be speaking about the mission, right? Oh yeah man, the briefing/meeting will starts at 7 in the briefing room Right after the main hall. Be sure to check in at the front desk first. Well thanks C.J, I'll see you there and...hey... I hope the briefing will not be boring as hell! *Laughs* I gotta say marine...you're a funny dude!...he..he... What can I say C.J.... I got a wild imagination! *Remember! ! Praetor Suit replicas are now available for free when you sign up* *Why?...* *Cause we think they are cool as shit.* *Get yours at sector 5!...
WAT.* Oh...sorry!...Hey uhm...excuse me..
Can I ask a question? I'm new here... Sure! Uh.....Can you guys tell me what U.A.F stands for? I didn't have much time to read all the documentation so.. U are fu*ked! Next please! Hello sir and welcome to Mars. I'm gonna push buttons randomly on this keyboard for a while like the good N.P.C that i am. Hold on a second! Wha....what??... *Welcome to the UAF station on Mars!
This military base represent the ultimate* *achievement of the US state of the art technology.
On this station whe use* *argent energy particles in order to create breathable air for the entire complex...* *but that is NOTHING compared to the most stunning achievement that we recently discovered: *The 50 watt light-bulb!* What the f*ck is wrong with this place?... o_o Ok, everything seems to be in order.
The briefing room is at the end of the corridor on your left. The major is waiting for you. Also, here's your Apple Watch 37. Oh cool! Thanks U.A.F! It's 5.000 dollars. Gentlemen.
Welcome to the briefing room, I'm major Tyrone. Two weeks ago, our highest skilled veteran marine has disappeared while he was patrolling the eastern perimeter of the facility. We found a security tape that shows him just before vanishing into thin air... By analyzing the video, seems like he was looking into a dimensional portal.... ...then a white flash of light.....then silence.... This is why you folks are.
No matter what, we are going to get that portal open again and get that marine back on this base. All right? *Yaaawn* BOOORING!...Come on Major...why you gotta be so dramatic!... Easiest mission ever.... Shut your GOD DAMN mouth Jenkins! You should be grateful there's even a hint of a storyline in this, so SHUT that TRAP! ..........I'm sorry I didn't want to sound rude I was just trying to say *gibberish* Sorry...I lost my temper....anyway. Marine, you'll be the squad leader for this operation.
Yes sir! Our most qualified scientist is trying to re-open that portal right now.... The process will start in a couple of minutes. Oh!...And also... He promised he would bring some, kinda...cute creatures from the other dimension too... Which is nice!! ^^ This is everything you need to know.
Good luck Marines. Come on Doc! We want to see the cute creatures! Yes, it's almost ready....aaaalmost ready... Yes.....my evil plan is going so perfectly! They even bought the lie that I will bring some cute creatures from the other dimension...! ...but instead!...this base will be swallowed by abyss beasts.... and I will create the ultimate space-death metal band!!!!! What are you doing Doc hurry up!!!! Yes yes....it's ready.... *satanic whispering* ......uhm...that doesn't sound very friendly.... Wait for it.... Hey look! The cute creatures are here!!!! Aaaaw!!!! They are so cute! Oh I'm so glad the writer didn't turn this into a gore-fest! That's right!! He he!! What the hell is going??!! This is not right!!! I was supposed to bring the evil beasts of hell!..... THIS IS A FAILURE!!!!!!! WE ARE NOT A FAILUUUUURE!!!!!!!!! Ohhh.......god!!!! STAY.....TOGETHER!!!!!! THERE HE IS!!!! Hey come back here you bastard! You are responsible for this mess! That son of a bitch locked us in!!! Somebody get this goddamn door open! *ACCESS DENIED*
It's not working SIR... there must be some kind of security switch. Maybe we can activate the hologram and find out! All right, try the hologram. In the meantime.... You guys know something else that we could use to open these doors? I don't know sir.....the only thing I remember is that the Major said in the tutorial... ....that we could use glory...glory...something?.... NOOOOOO! Please don't tell me is what I think it is....!! Yep...That's it. Well... Someone has to do it!... That son of a bitch took the elevator! Guys come on, check the monitors! He must be in one of these sections! Negative Sir! It's almost impossible to track his exact location.... This whole place is a clusterfuck! It's so confusing!!!! Well, still better than the goddamn Alpha Labs in Doom 3... ...you gotta give 'em that... All right squad! Let's take the elevator and check the first level for now. *Demonic presence detected* *Lockdown initiated* *In other words, you are all dead as f*ck. * Gentlemen, we are going to face creatures from another world. This is not what we signed for,
but it's time to show these bastards what we got WAIT!
....What the f*ck is Jim doing??? He's posing for the cover art Sir... Guys we need more particles here... Oh god..what the...Johnson!....Why are you dancing now!!!?? I don't know Sir!!! I just unlocked this in the menu, I don't know how to stop! Oh god...
...we are gonna get slaughtered like pigs. Sir! This monster is not going down for some reason! What the hell Rogers!!! You are not suppose to cuddle them! You have to use your melee attack!!! Uhmm, first of all they are called glory kills.....
and it's a trademark by I.d. Software.... And also... ...
Yumm...! Is this Kool-Aid strawberry flavor? Major, I thought you were dead!
It's not Kool-Aid Major, it's Roger's blood! OH SHIT!
Get over here you monster slime, you are gonna pay for killing my soldiers!! Major NO!!!
Remember what happens to every black guy in every action movie or videogame... They always die!!! I don't give a damn Son!
Come on you sons of bitches! I'm a thug! Hey..uhm..
...can we tone it down a notch maybe? LOOK OUT!!!
Those flying things are coming right here! Here they come!!! Oh great.... even the demons are du(u)mb.. Get to cover guys!! More coming.... God damn it Jenkins, what the hell!!!.... You can't paint your weapon with those flashy colors! You're gonna get yourself killed in an instant!! PSSSH!!! Naah maaan....I'm a pro!
I'm like BOOM! BOOM! Headshot baby! They don't even see me! Sir!
I'm picking up an energy signature from the bottom levels.... Must be that scientist..! All right....let's get on this elevator quick. I......can guide you to your destination if you want... .....who the fuck are you?... I'm doctor Samuel Hayden and I'm the head of this facility... Fuck off! Thanks dude...but we already have the Auto-map(TM)! Oh... ...ok.... All right, let's keep moving!
Go, go, go! So this is the excavation site huh?... Yes Sir.
This is a dead end...so that scientist must be here hiding somewhere... This place is creepy guys... Sir! I found a weapon stack here, this should come in handy! There's a rocket launcher too. Is that...a Gauss Cannon...?
Isn't it a little overpowered? Well it's not THAT overpowered! I mean... ...Whatever!....
Just put that to good use Marine. Now stay focused. HOLY SHIT! Come on Jim!!! USE THE GAUSS CANNON!!!! Whew! That was a close call.... Jim report! He's a little flat Sir... All right....listen up Johnson...
Don't do anything stupid... ...it's a miracle we are still alive, so stay sharp now...ok?* Hey look! There's a super powerful gun over here! No! Don't touch it! Ah come on this can come in handy, right? We can kill so many demons Sir!!! Sorry but you kinda deserve it!.... I'm impressed you made it this far, Marine..... YOU!! Come down here you freak!!! You're gonna pay for what you did! He he he!....You are too late..... ..the final ritual has already started..... Let the gates of hell open FOREVER!!!!! *Cute sound* NOOOO!! Not again with these stupid creatures...! I want BLOOD! DIE YOU USELESS FAILURE!!!!! WE ARE NOT A FAILUREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Shit!! It's obstructing the portal...
I need to get through before it seals up again! Aw.... *IMPACT COMPENSATION ..... FAILED* ...My bones... Ugh...So I guess this is hell... Oh neat! There's a collectible! Are you fucking kidding me?... ...Wait!.....This sound?
Could it be...!!!??? SIR!!! Wait!!! Sir!!!! Sir!!! Sir.... Oh my god....are you SERGEANT DOOMGUY? THAT Sergeant Doomguy?? We don't have time for autographs kid.
Follow my lead... Uhm...aren't you supposed to be mute? I learned from the comic book, remember that? Oh... my bad Sir....
So what's your plan? You see that shithole right there?......that's the Cyberdemon lair.. We kill that f*cker, we take his soul..... ...the portal opens...and we go back home. Understood Sir! Though...come to think of it....
I think you're confusing this with Dark Souls... Oh, never mind. Just a safety measure...! Hey wait! So are we going to like..? SSSHHH!!! Listen.... ....That big motherf*cker is having a party with his friends... I feel sorry for those kickass bands but...we're gonna have to crash it. (hidden dialogue): "And then i jump down...and basically stab this girl with my sword from above." HEY!!!
Sorry for ruining the party f*ckface! Mind if I brought a friend of mine too???!! I'm going to teach you some teamwork kid.... ....check this out. RIP AND TEAR...MOTHER FUCKEEEER!!!!!!! GOTCHA!!! SIR!!!!... Kid!...... It's your time..... Grab the gun!.... I...I don't know how to use it Sir...! It's a big f*cking gun (BFG)..... ....it's the ultimate.....*cough*
E.D.M. weapon... ...press......the trigger.... and drop the bass!.... And kid..... Give em HELL...... Sir....? Doctor.... Where am I?.... You are on Earth now, you'll be fine..... ...you are just a bit.....disoriented. Huh.....????? WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! -HOLY S*IT!!!!
-He he! Relax marine! These creatures are friendly now.... We are giving them a second chance by helping us out.... ....Good thing that evil scientist plan was a failure!
That was really funny. The attention to detail is impeccable!
I like how Gordon Freeman is hanging out there, since he hasn't seen any action in a while :p
Oh god, I've turned into one of those assholes who gets mad when fan content doesn't match the lore.
More people need to see this!
Nice Dio reference.