The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts: Lucille Ball - Season 1 Episode 3 (2/8/75)

the dean martin celebrity roast coming to you from the mgm grand hotel in the entertainment capital of the world las vegas nevada the glittering city of excitement of laughter provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's star-studded roast ladies and gentlemen from the celebrity room of the grand hotel dean martin honors our woman of the hour lucille ball with tonight's guests jack benny dan rowan don rickles bob hope ginger rogers dick martin tony field milton berle henry fonda nipsey russell [Music] vivian vance rich little foster brooks phyllis diller gail gordon and your roastmaster dean martin and tonight's very special woman of the hour lucille ball [Applause] lucy this room isn't big enough to hold all your friends so we invited your enemies [Music] there isn't anything this woman can't do she can sing she can dance she can get laughs especially with her singing and dancing while on broadway it was samuel goldwyn who saw her dancing in the chorus mr goldwyn couldn't take his eyes off lucy she had something no other girl in the chorus had torn underwear short time after that lucy arrived in hollywood what guts she had her first words were joan crawford move over and lucky joan did because lucy was driving a cab at the time [Music] it was while lucy was under contract to rko that she met a young cuban band leader desi arnaz he soon fell in love with lucille's style of physical comedy but enough of your wedding night it was that night lucy realized she and desi had a lot in common he too had torn underwear [Music] do you realize while lucy was with desi she took 750 pies in the face got 385 doors slammed on her nose and was thrown out of a window 68 times and that was just in divorce court after that lucy went back to new york to star in the show called wildcat while she was there she met her present husband gary morton it was gary who brought something new into lucille's life boredom it isn't commonly known but last week the tapes of all the lucy television shows were submitted to the library of congress and after they were viewed i am happy to say president ford granted lucy a full pardon we'll see what can i say this this night is yours why should i take the rap for it [Music] miss phyllis [Applause] well i couldn't wait to get here because lucy is my kind of a girl we're both cut from the same mold it's just that i'm moldier [Music] lucy had some career when lucy was making pictures at mgm every time a big part came up they'd say louis b mayer would say this he said let's get that good-looking redhead and they did van johnson when i first came to hollywood i could have had big parts too but i was allergic to silicone my bra was so small it had to be put on by a jeweler of course now i wear a padded bra it's got so much rubber in it last night i threw it on the dresser and it bounced out the window but lucy's got her problems too now i happen to know that she wants to dye her hair back to its original color but she can't remember it all my life i have tried to look like lucy i even use the same beauty cream lucy uses but nothing works you know that ugly skin on your elbows my whole body looks like that and ladies and gentlemen the team that made laughing what it is today a canceled television show then ruining the qriket all right now we're here to honor this great lady lucille ball lukey and you know it's customary on the dean martin rose we've done some of them you know it's customary to say nasty things about the guest of honor i don't think we should do that i don't either i couldn't agree with you more i think we ought to tell these people some of the great things that lucy's done that shouldn't take too long all right lucy is very well known for her extraordinary show business acumen yes you know that but what isn't so well known is that her advice has helped a great many people in this business that's true i happen to know that just a few months ago out of the goodness of her heart she picked up a phone and called frank sinatra she did she said frank you've been working too hard why don't you get out of the limelight take a little rest go to australia they'll love you i'll tell you what she did for this young man on your right for dean martin it was 10 years ago that dean was starting his own television show just right here on nbc 10 years ago that was that's when it was at the same time he was making matt hell movies he made airport he made a lot of albums records he was appearing in personal appearances well he is having with all his pressure and everything he was having trouble getting to sleep no kidding and lucy gave him the advice that helped him she said dean just before you go to bed if you want to get a good night's sleep take a little drink she told him she told him that force yourself just force yourself to take a little drink well it seems to have worked pretty well yeah he hasn't been to bed in 10 years we'd like to bring out someone who knew lucy back in her early days in hollywood lucy's former roommate and once a starlet in her own right the tantalizing seductive gladys ormphy thanks for leaving me backstage with all those animals grabbing and pawing all over everything and as for you some roommate you were you still owe me six months rent and you walked off with my best lingerie the oil cloth briefs with the pink rosettes i'm gonna tell you the truth about lucille ball i knew all her innermost secrets you see that nice fresh look she always had over the years do you think that's natural bouchard she sleeps with a baggie on her head used to steal all the jobs from me she did we're obviously the same type she even stole i love lucy that show was supposed to be called i love gladys i even had a cuban boyfriend you remember beeping rabosa look at her all sweetness and innocence everybody thinks that she did nothing but clean and wholesome pictures horse i knew her when she did x-rated movies under her real name lucy lovelace i was the one with the mask and the black socks well so much for the glamour on the show that was ruth buzzy ladies and gentlemen and now here's the best goodwill ambassador comedy ever had mr bob hope [Applause] we're going to tell you all about it later waiter bring him a double scotch and a blanket when dean gets up in the morning every distillery stock on the board goes up three points i can't tell you how nice it is to be part of this tribute to lucille ball this year's joanne warley [Music] my goodness what a run you've had on television and your reruns around five times a day you get more exposure than tele savalas head well i know you're on channel 7 9 11 13 and this morning she came in on my electric toothbrush but i must say no tv series ever got higher ratings than i love lucy every show that was on opposite you you knocked off the air such shows as rosie greer at sea world [Music] charo sings cole porter live from the house of pies you know lucy and i made some pictures together and sometimes i watch our old movies on the late show and tears come to my eyes because everyone else is watching johnny carson well i guess we just about covered everything tonight but then again tony fields did that when she sat down [Music] but actually i'm very happy for lucy's success she's quite a woman she saved all her money who knows it may be valuable again you someday after a show they're like this there's usually a big letdown luckily ours came during the show stay awake dean i want you to hear the rest of this he's so loaded he's smoking his swizzle stick because you know lucy's always doing nice things even though she isn't with desi anymore she got him a job as dialogue coach on chico and the man and she still keeps up the payments on his bongos actually i'd like to stay out here a little longer but i know lucy has to get up early tomorrow morning earl shives doing her hair goodnight lucy i love you thank you lucy a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight so they sent some wires or telegrams and uh gonna read them oh there's lucy here's one from overseas we just started getting your old i love lucy runs love you but have trouble understanding desi signed fidel castro from the league of women voters dear miss ball please consider running for president in 76 if you won at least with no the kind of a clown would be getting milton berle recently authored a new book it's called milton berle an autobiography i must say i read his book from cover to cover luckily i didn't read what's ladies and inside mr television milton berle thank you i am very very happy to be here tonight to show my love and affection for lucy who knows the broad might get hot again [Music] this woman lucille ball has emerged as the sex symbol for men who no longer care [Music] today lucy may have her millions but her rise to fame uh was was an uphill battle i know this when lucy was just an innocent kid of 19 she always had that frightened look of a new girl at a sinatra party did you know that lucille ball used to travel with the k kaiser band she wasn't a singer she just liked to travel with the band yes ladies and gentlemen lucille ball has worked hard to get where she is today she was a chorus girl in a nightclub hollywood boulevard i think was the track of hero where every night lucy did the dance of the virgins which she performed from memory [Music] now i'd like you to meet lucille ball's husband comedian gary morton gary and lucy first met 13 years ago and this is their second meeting ladies and gentlemen mr gary morton i'm in a very delicate position this evening having to roast my own wife i can just i can just picture her tonight setting the electric blanket on headache [Music] i'll tell you lucy and i fight but we never go to sleep mad of course one year we were up for three months i do i do two things to keep her happy first i let her think she's having her own way then i let her have it when i heard that gail gordon was going to be on the show i kind of choked up you see i used to go with a girl named gail gordon and honey if you're the same one you really let yourself go pretty good ladies and gentlemen my real groovy chick mr gayle gordon your information is modern i am not the same gail and get your hand off my knee i love lucy poppycock how can you love a woman who began each tv season by making the whole cast bow their heads and pray that carol burnett turned gray mrs martin vivian vance is funnier than you are now the wonderful untalented miss toady fields you don't remember me but i was your first wife they talk about you drinking you drink so damn much that this guy i want you to know he quit a a and joined aaa so they could tow him away from the bar i don't know why i'm here they called me up and said tony we need a pretty face look at dilla i want you to look at diller over there look at the hair do you believe it she looks like her head fell in the cheese dip stop touching me animal get a seat tonight in my dressing room before the show banging on my door banging on my door i had to let him out this is the only guy i know takes vitamin e insomnics so he can sleep through his orgies i want to tell you something between him and sinatra they're going to drive me out of my mind you know you don't know this do you that frank is just dying to get me to palm springs do you know he called me tonight and offered to send his private blimp it's a funny thing all these years i thought lucy was such a swinger when i first met moo lucy she called me up toady come on over we're gonna have a pot party you know how excited i got i'd never been to one of those things i went over she was selling tupperware lucy darling yes you have been a big star for many many years and it must kill you to see a young kid like me stepping into your shoes ladies and gentlemen the human xerox machine mr rich little don't tell me carol channing isn't here tonight holding a dinner for lucy oh is the poor thing broke already i knew it was just a matter of time but tell lucy not to worry i'll be there in spirit and i pledge five dollars where's paul lynn tonight hi red shade what's that they're roasting lucy oh gosh i'd like to common baster and where's nelson rockefeller well i i think it's a wonderful thing that they're on ring lucille ball i mean hers is a great american success story she made it to the top through ambition drive perseverance and sacrifice i did it the hard way i was nice to my father the final insult was that johnny carson couldn't make it tonight or maybe he has here's johnny ah lucy was adorable she's beautiful she's wonderful and she's fabulous and uh i only wish her name was joanna then i would have married her thank you very much ladies and gentlemen mr henry fonda i know the idea of these roasts is to get up here and insult the guests of honor with a lot of lies but if you don't mind i'd like to be a little different i'd like to tell us a true story about miss ball it's insulting but it's a true story about 100 years ago i was [Music] i was sharing bachelor quarters with jimmy stewart and jimmy was dating ginger rogers and i was insanely jealous because i was secretly in love with ginger myself and one night jimmy asked me if i'd like to double date with a friend of gingers a young actress under contract to rko named lucille ball she was going nowhere [Music] well we uh we went dancing and actually uh miss ball and i were having a great time together she was a lot of fun full of laughs and who knows what it might have what might have developed but you may notice that i'm the only one on the podium that calls her miss ball i was intimate enough to call her lucy that's the point of the story [Music] i made a terrible mistake both girls look ravishingly lovely in the soft lights and we dance till dawn but when we came out into the harsh glare of the daylight the girl's makeup looked about an inch thick and it was well what it was was ugly it's it's simply untrue what miss ball has been telling people all these years that i went to the gutter and wretched i was just coughing a lot i'd like to take this opportunity after all these years because it was a very ungentlemanly thing to to apologize miss ball lucy i love you [Applause] ladies and gentlemen the best thing that ever happened to fred astaire miss ginger rogers i've known lucy longer than anyone here i think it's safe to say that what isn't so safe to say is how i feel about her i was there the night she met desi lucy and i were dining at a posh hollywood restaurant when a good-looking dark-haired young man dressed in a white cutaway in a black bowtie walked over to her and said you finished your salad day day lucy and i have been friends for many years and although i know it's not very original i must say i love lucy oh lucy left her hometown to see fame and stardom she promised her high school beau that she'd return someday and marry him so here all the way from jamestown new york meet the man who's been lucy's fiance since 1933 mr fuss the brooks didn't expect to see me here tonight did you big red [Music] it's been for 41 years but she still looks the same except for for the hair she went she wasn't the red hair then she was bald hello lucio ball we met at jamestown high high school and i i was the captain of the football team hello and i'll never never forget the first time i scored touchdown you remember you shook your pom-poms at me you see why i'm leaving a chair later right from the beginning lassie or lucy lucy and i were drawn to each other physically physical food physically we like like two months to a sock lusty larva and she had a cute cocoon no no offense to the colored man on the dance well yeah yet as strong as strong as our passions were the fire follicles and i were never caught doing anything illicit immoral or unsavory we do them all but we never caught that [Music] but i've been very faithful to you how about you luce that's what the football team used to call her [Music] i still have the hops for you cherry head say yes to my offer and i will deliver unto thee and if eternal bliss you say no and i'll just fiddle with you on weekends [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen mr nipsey russell those who think of women as the weaker sex just can't see the trees for the woods because no matter how loudly a rooster may crawl it's the hen who delivers the goods this guest of honor does deliver i love lucy because she is a liberal she was the first white woman in television to be hit in the face with a chocolate pie you can see that some of her sisters have come here today tony fields ruth buzzy phyllis diller they had a beauty contest and nobody won she jumps on for gary the minute he comes into the house why do you come in here half drunk he said cause i ran out of money i was there i tried to throw a little afternoon i said you're jealous lucy cause gary is chasing women she said let him cheese women you see dogs chasing cars but they can't drive i will forgo the proclivity of others on the desk to mention uh wait a minute proof the proclivity to mention frank sinatra sony bono dean martin i don't joke about italians no sir we sicilians got to stick together so i'll confine my remarks to lucille when i was coming over here i was thinking how many how much it would mean if i could work with her i suggested we do a remake of guess who's coming to dinner she said we will we'll call it guess who ain't gonna get served all the organizations said you're going to that thing what are you going to that thing for they said by the way if you're going remember in all her years on television lucille ball never used a black performer and we want her to know from the bottom of our hearts we appreciate it we had enough trouble it's always a pleasure having jack benny with us he almost didn't make it the police broke into his dressing room and caught him sniffing prunes ladies and gentlemen mr jack benny i'm glad that it isn't always a black tie event you know but i'm glad this is a black tie affair because it lends dignity to the evening and for your information to get a tuxedo pressed it's no longer two dollars [Music] of course i get a refund when i return the wire hanger anyway i enjoyed my trip to las vegas fortunately i ran into fred mcmurray and he got me a good seat on the bus and sitting alongside me was a beautiful 25 year old girl with a six months old baby and every time she fed that baby i just couldn't take my eyes off i'd like to borrow that kid to siphon gasoline [Music] he drained that bottle in 10 seconds flat anyway i must say with all respect to lucy i can see where all her exposure on tv might upset some comedians might make them jealous but personally i don't give a damn i couldn't care if she's on 50 times a day if she wants the public to get sick of her that's her problem ladies and gentlemen the lady who was lucy's co-star and constant companion for over 10 years on television the very talented miss vivian vance you probably don't remember me but we go back a long way actually i've known lucille ball man and boy for over 20 years and during that time i consider the years i spent on i love lucy to be perhaps the biggest ripoff of my career i remember when she was head of desi lou productions she had a sign on her desk that said the buck stops here i didn't realize at the time that she met it literally lucy was always very friendly with everybody on the show she called them all with their first names no matter how insignificant she considered them to be it was always how you doing harry how's the family pete hurry up with that coffee dessie the beast of beverly hills listen what a night who are we honoring and i'm just delighted i must say pardon me i'm just delighted because i always wanted to meet henry you and jesse in the barn with frank the whole thing with jackie cooper you were so good henry god bless you now it's time to quit anyway folks i would like to say pardon me this is one of the greatest nights of my career this wonderful pack night really to anna lucille ball a great lady a woman that i worked with on our television show bless her heart and she was the one that said to me uh kid come here jack benny is over on the end he didn't want to go for the table jack didn't want to take care of anybody bob hope as you all know he's in the back standing there with three soldiers in american flag saying find another war i must be honest i never liked lucille balls i never did no we got to be honest about it all these guys come up lucy darling henry thunder jesse jesse but you're my idol henry henry are you up you are as beautiful as ever my wife said to me last night as we laid in bed she said as luthy young and i said baby young is not the point it's what's in your heart right lucy lucy put her in a home look at this the husband went yeah now hi kid gary we've known each other many many years and you always said to me be kind to lucy i say this shut up i hate when i when i spayed butts in you one more time and there'll be troops in front of your door tomorrow they can't do nothing because i tap we dance about people phyllis stiller you're a dear friend and i must tell you god bless you god has given you the way you look do not be ashamed of it when you were born you probably hit the wall but don't be afraid ruth buzzy funny part of it is i find her attractive the funniest two words i know loose sealed balls thank you thank you this has really been something you know some performers can go through their entire career and never never have a night like this those are the lucky ones [Music] of course i love seeing some of my television family here tonight like vivian vance she started on the original lucy shows 23 years ago and you know vivian gave up a lot to do my show her weekly unemployment checks [Music] and my darling adorable gail gordon i love him what a great performer and humanitarian every year gail donates money to the screen actor's home but he always insists on remaining anonymous so he doesn't sign his name to the check [Music] of course i'm not only glad i'm overwhelmed that henry fonda came here tonight we're great friends i'm happy to say we've done two pictures together and whenever hank was around the set always came to life i wish i could say the same for hank phyllis darling although we've never been close after tonight i'm sure we never will be really phyllis the years have been kind to you it's the the weeks in between you lost yourself [Music] milton darling it's always good to see you you know milton berle is an inspiration to all the kids of america they figure if he can make it anybody can or milton i kid you really but you've really given us a lot of pleasure at our house you never come over anymore of course what what can anyone say about jack you benny every time jack did my show he brought sandwiches donuts coffee milk pie and in less than an hour he was sold out and tony baby what a doll before the show she told me she was on the stillman diet you look like you swallowed stillman [Music] my adorable husband gary we've been together 13 years and we've always maintained an honest open relationship as he told you like if i don't like something gary's doing i let him know but tonight the audience beat me to it you know during my lifetime i've had audiences with the pope i've dined with presidents once i was an overnight guest with the trumans when they were at the white house but being here tonight with people in my own business i can honestly say how great it was being with the pope and the president [Applause] [Applause] [Music] so [Music] you

Channel: Shout! Factory

Views: 268,547

Rating: 4.761302 out of 5

Keywords: Shout Factory, HD, Shout, DVD, Blu-ray, TV, Movie, classic, cult, brand, nipsey russell, lucille ball, i love lucy, lucy ball, desi arnaz, love, dean martin, celebrity roast, roast, laughter, don rickles, nipsey, jack benny, milton berle, rich little, bob hope, The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, season one, episode 3, february 1975

Id: VNEHHNKVk_o

Length: 49min 56sec (2996 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 03 2020