5 Hilarious Standup Stories (Part-1) | Bill Burr | Dave Chappelle | Louis CK

a frog goes into a bank to get a loan so the Frog goes up to the lady and she has a little nametag on as they do it says whack so her name is mrs. whack so can I get a loan I don't know you're a frog well I want a loan what's your name Kermit you're not missing the Frog no no no I was named after him the name is Kermit Jagger my father's Mick Jagger and my mother's a frog he [ __ ] a frog and I'm his offspring well anyways I want alone for a lily pad well you can't I don't know if you can happen do you have any collateral well I have this the Frog pulls out a little shiny pink elephant you know a little shiny pink elephant so mrs. whack looks at it and her name is patty I don't think this is much collateral you know but I'll talk to the bank manager about it you know it's a frog out there Kermit Jagger gave me this damn thing did you know I have any idea what this is the bank manager says what is this this is a knick-knack patty-whack give the Frog alone his old man's a rolling stone I do my girl took me to a street fair recently right you know they closed off the block there's like shwarma there's like stuff made out of buttons right people know tithi making key chains right typical girlfriend idea it sucks and it's gonna take all Saturday right no we show up right the first thing she sees is this big table nothing but homemade jewelry right homemade jewelry it's got twigs macaroni in it it's just it's a table of crap it's crap the whole thing is crap but she loves it she's like oh my god look at these earrings do you like these do you think these are nice I just want to be like no they were nicely they'd be in a store all right but I don't want to ruin a so my dad check it up I'm gonna go get some air you can / outside I think there's more air right so I walked like three floor tables away and I come up to this lady she got this big table and nothing but muffins muffins right it's like 85 degrees out she's selling muffins and she's got this big stupid look at the muffins I made look in her face and the second I saw that that part of my brain was just like dude what would happen if you just walked up and just said hey lady these your muffins oh yeah they just started going my company these muffins could I mush before anybody did anything I mean realistically I think I could have got the whole tape cuz even if you saw me doing that it would take at least five to six seconds to process like did they say to do that like a game to eat the muffin off your face that just seems like a waste of pastry you know there's no security at a street fair there's no bouncer staying there he's pushing the muffins ok I'm on it sir hook me up so I just started thinking of the horrified look on this lady's face as I started slamming these muffins and out of nowhere I just started laughing like a maniac they slumped over this fried dough card I'm dying my girl looks at me she's like what the hell are you laughing at and like an idiot I actually tried to explain rude um thought to her my god just sit there like I was just a kid what if I started punching the muffins you start punching them just looking at me like why do I go out with you whoo but I swear to God if I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those muffins that lady she wouldn't even been able to call for help I would have been in don't understand it my first week in the building about a year ago I went down to the courtyard for the first time and I didn't look too good you know as a Sunday morning that's my least presentable hour a lot of you know just stains just like you know food and me and whatever and so I'm sitting I'm sitting there so shut up Oh anyway but so there I was I'm sitting on the stone bench of this courtyard and feeling a little out of place you know there's these fancy doormen and stuff and then there's this guy looking at me I noticed he's looking at me from across the courtyard and he's all spiffy looking he's got brown shoes and he's looking at me like hmm I could tell he was thinking I don't live in the building he thinks I just wandered in off the streets and sat in a courtyard I can tell he's thinking of coming over and dealing with me on his own and I'm sitting there thinking like oh please do that yes please come on come I come I got Michael in and I'm trying to look even more gross like my shirt and then I see him gone no that's not gonna do it all and he comes over to me hmm and I'm like so excited to have this thing the confrontation where I'm not wrong at all and he thinks I am so he comes over says excuse me do live in this building and I said no cuz why not start there I said no he goes well then what are you doing here and I said I just need to rest him having a hard time he says this is private property and I said well I don't really believe in that you know just the worst things I could say from his point of view it's basically all the things I was saying and he goes well if you don't leave I'm gonna talk to the doorman I was like can I just stay like five more hours so he's known he goes over to the doorman and I see him talking about me to the doorman like this and then I see the doorman going oh no that guy lives here that's okay and the look on his face it was just so it was this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion it's like I had an invented a new way to hurt somebody's feelings that's that's how excited I was he was so eager he came back came back to me said why didn't you tell me that you lived here and I said because I don't have to tell you anything ever there are no words that I must say to you all so I didn't want to ruin your thing that's your favorite thing you were doing making people not be places also I make more than you I just don't give a [ __ ] about myself anyway he didn't say anything after that because well the whole thing didn't really happen I mean well it's it's not true but it says it's as true as anything that does happen I mean really anytime anybody says anything to me I decide what they said anyway but the truth of this story and I won't lie to you again but here's what really happened I was sitting in the courtyard looking like [ __ ] that's true and the guy was looking at me but then the rest of it I just made up in my head just this is an angry hateful rich dick you probably want to kick me out and then here's what I would say I would say these three really cool things right in a row and of course he set me up for all them because I'm him too it's kind of hard to lose an argument when you're both people and it's taking place in your brain and then in reality he really did come up to me and he said are you new to the building and I said yeah I just moved here and he said oh welcome he was so nice he was incredibly nice and he's been for the last years my favorite person in the world he's George my neighbor children he's probably watching I love George he's the greatest well son I like I don't like I should just scared hostages throws people don't know what an ostrich is it's a big-ass bird that's the same size as me he's birds are huge okay I'm in Nebraska doing the show in Nebraska I had to pee so I'm one side of road I'm peeing right I get dumped in I look to my left it's a big-ass ostrich looking at me while I'm peeing he was standing on one leg like this his body was facing this way but it's here he's here now I didn't know what it was so I didn't say anything my friend got the car he's like yell was that as I don't know it's like a big ass man pigeon I don't know I don't know what is right I don't know man pigeon I was like any other man pigeon he took a pin hit through ink pen and all right Susie dude pin at it hit the oxygen chest Susie at the ostriches other lady came down his body was still facing this right but his head it was still like this now when it when his leg came down this is when the [ __ ] started to come out of me a little bit I was like you know what we should um we should we should probably go get back in the car because because we don't really know what that mean you mean like that that could be a sign that you mean like you got ten seconds to get the [ __ ] out my face before I kill you I may eat you kids we don't we don't know what he's trying to say so let's get back in the car we say fast so we get in the car soon as we get in the car I start laughing on my you're a [ __ ] to me like no you're a [ __ ] no you're a [ __ ] I'm laughing I'm driving like thirty miles an hour I look out the pageant window the ostrich was running 30 miles per hour beside the car his body was still facing this way [Applause] he was Hall answer at 30 miles an hour now when I'm scared like if I'm real real scared I get emotional I'll start to cry if I'm real scared so I got a little emotional you know I looked at my friend I was like why would you why would you throw a pin at it if we if we don't even know what it is no no no I'm not saying that I'm saying like I'm saying we don't even know what it is like dude stop bitching speed up speed up I lied to you tonight I started driving like 60 miles per hour when I tell y'all that this ostrich was running 60 miles per hour I'm not bullshitting his body was still facing this way but his here we still like this he was running so you couldn't even see his legs he was going so [ __ ] fans he's he was moving and the reason why I was so scared is because he never looked in front of him like he didn't care about a wall another ostrich he was just looking at us but the way he was looking at it's like he was saying when I catch y'all I'm a [ __ ] both y'all up over a penny over I got damn pain and I was like why don't you just apologize you know I'm saying I because I didn't throw the pen I was scared that's the only time I [ __ ] on myself in my life I've never seen myself but I let go that time I let loose you got to make life interesting like that because it [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think you're gonna live it's dangerous out here we know what's going on I travel now you know I just think DC had the roughest ghettos in the country no no I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of DC yeah everybody should go to the ghetto I was taking it again at one time that's the worst when you get taking it you're not expecting to go right usually you want to know where you're gonna get her like I'm gonna see some loud [ __ ] I got to prepare myself I'm gonna see some crazy when you're taking is different I had a limousine driver it was after shows late at night it's like 3:00 in the morning had a limousine driver he's a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh are you from down DC weren't that's a rough City man and his cell phone started ringing hold on one second hello Oh what what the [ __ ] slow my way I gotta make a stop real quick at 3 o'clock in the morning I didn't know he was telling me to get away first gun store gun store look at stalking me sound look good he didn't say [ __ ] just pulled up in from an old rickety building that looked like a project ma'am I never been there before I'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familial symptoms of a project [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and she just but I said I'd be right back left me took the keys with me just let me at 3 o'clock in the morning in front of a project and a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I gotta look around see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I'm at I have to escape on foot that isn't one I know I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it's three o'clock in the morning it's three o'clock in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby they need to look scary just on it I mean it made me sad it made me sad really good because I wanted to help the baby I don't trust you either I'm sorry but the old baby on the corner trick we're not gonna fall for that [ __ ] where's this limousine driving I stopped feeling bad it's time goes by stop feeling worse I mean what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong I'm scared of a baby this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I got to do something but I wasn't gonna get out the car I'm serious man I just crack the window a little bit there's a whole limousine I can roll it down [Applause] hey baby baby doll man stricken with a [ __ ] daughter the babies and I'm selling weed [ __ ] at all [Music] I'm sorry I had to buy two bags from the coma now back in the car rolled me a joint Lancer that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crack here will come up to the car and look in the windows like Jurassic Park and should you be looking on the car hey get out of here cracking that baby that's not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes oh man what is wrong with me man I have just bought weed from from an infant I can't condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you you say [ __ ] you [ __ ] here's the feed [Applause]

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 182,520

Keywords: stand up stories, best stand up stories, funny stand up comedy, funny jokes, funniest stories, dave chappelle standup, louis ck my neighbor george, bill burr muffins, kevin hart ostrich story, norm macdonald frog joke, frog goes into a bank to get a loan, 3am in the ghetto, best standup jokes, funny standup jokes, compilation, funniest stories ever, stand up, stand up comedy, funny, the laugh planet, part 1

Id: LNHNjQouLf4

Length: 18min 59sec (1139 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 09 2019