33 Minutes of Dave Chappelle

just one time racism saved my life me and I was I was on a plane I was coming I was coming from overseas and I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up and he said everybody get on the [ __ ] ground nobody look at my face I started freaking out cuz he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that [Applause] with screaming a crime I was the only brother on the plane well I thought only brother I looked over there was one of the black dude he's from Nigeria I looked over them he was looking right in my face man he didn't say two words to me just like the music didn't need to talk I know we just was talking about looking right back at him let's write some white dudes on the front of planes seen us ooh my god [Applause] riah does communicatin that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don't take black hostages that's the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage of energy they is treating us good we are chilling this [ __ ] I'd like to give a shout-out to Ray Ray a big Steve [Applause] you're not gonna see it terrorism smart they know what they're doing there you know they terrorists they know what the black people's bad bargaining chips they called the White House hello we have got five blood hello [Applause] I'm having an artistic dilemma I have two poems one poem is older and one poem I just wrote backstage which one would you like to hear wait how many for the old one how many put a new one all right so remember if it sucks you asked for it [Applause] one night at 3:00 a.m. I went to the corner store I forgot why oh that's right I wanted to bite I had the munchies because I was hired the store is owned by mr. Fong and every day sees me he does me wrong he's Korean now I'd never say I hate all Korean people I haven't met all Korean people that hate talks for savages but even though I don't generalize I do do percentages and averages [Applause] so far I hate 1 out of 5 Korean people have been faithful so I come in the store hello mr. fall I say and he just scows with me and growls at me by something hearty up now look I'm not stealing in the least but if you're shopping and you know someone's watching your shop bet you to make you look like a thief [Applause] he's long said hey I've been watching you since you came in the door buy something now or get out of my store now I couldn't take it anymore hey hey I said raising my hand take your fingers out of my face [ __ ] [Applause] first of all say hey hey what make you think of Chinese you must not know it just sin you made a mistake breckman at least know Fung is Corinne now I was wrong I was wrong I said mr. Fung I'm sorry to offend by mistake in your race but you gotta admit if it was a Chinese look-alike contest your ass would place you're a dead ringer for Chinese but don't be mad at me I didn't mean to offend you in the least you know some people say all black people look alike we call those people police thank too much [ __ ] out there to stress you out whole world is drug infested hate infested drug infested worl hate drugs heard the worst drugs three no my friend told me you know what he's dealing with his landlord is hooked on crack that's that's terrible as pressure your landlord's hooked on crack that means you gotta have the rent not even due yet it's too tense let me just get $20 of it now and then it's gonna risk the other one every couple hours Hey look I'm gonna need some more of the Ring buildings falling apart things came up comes home early for the party landlords in the crib going through his [ __ ] buddy go to my house ah where's the sink I came to fix it send the kitchen I thought it was in the drawer I'll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent can I help out drugs I hate one like people my age and older get hooked on crack I hate that [ __ ] ooh you're too old to be experiment with the drugs at a certain point you should be past that ain't doing it by a certain point you just miss it drugs are really bold people anyway you 75 you learn to write [ __ ] I'm 575 I do coke heroin everything I want to give a [ __ ] I've been walking down the street that guy boy that old man is tripping [Applause] can't do everything maybe we'd we're gonna do something do Louise smokes we weeds not as bad as everything else Swede is a background substance only you can smoke some herb and still function and you ain't crisp but you'll function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I house at a party some guy gave me some shitty zai here man take this it's [ __ ] mushrooms I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found it in my pocket I'm thinking why not cuz I'm thinking it's like we some background [ __ ] I plan my whole day out like it was we I'll chew his [ __ ] up then I go to the barber shop get my hair cut and then I'll see a movie I chewed it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and it's funny because I was just thinking my son's like oh this stuff sucks tastes like athlete's foot I feel sick but I'm not really high then I looked in the mirror I saw the Baba's reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair free cap I started talking myself Dave calm down you're on drugs this is what drugs do you know that there is no way that a penis can cut Hey I started freaking out man I just couldn't take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my hair was cut I didn't care I mean I just gave a bob my hand full of money it was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home and I'm paying home as fast as I could stripping stripping I look at the clock it was 242 I was like damn 242 I gotta stop around them I've never been this high this early i took a shower i was still had said maybe musical do the trick I listened to every CD I had I was still hot exercise that's what I'll do I ran around the back for pounds still hat took the nap woke up [ __ ] up I look at the clock it was 243 yes a guy scared to death of these police I am the guy I got a police scanner first first money I got this the first and I went to both men police can I just listen to these month [ __ ] before I go out just to make sure everything's cool you hear [ __ ] on it calling all cars calling all cars be on the lookout for a black male between 4 7 and 6 eighties staying in the kree of the night at work on that alibi for a minute every black person needs Alabama I do them impromptu joins if I'm by myself and need out I just open up the windows and apartment turn on lights on stop beating old Frankie look at me note the time of the [ __ ] - 35 look at me I'm jerking off the window - 35 comedian Asian males June 10th note the time that she could save my life officer David Chappelle couldn't have done that I saw him in his window masturbating from 235 to 237 I'm certain of it he was standing on a clock I'm holding a calendar and today's paper [ __ ] I need alibis I can't be no celebrities [ __ ] is just the worst I'm seeing it I can see why I see why stars are crazy man these [ __ ] I went to Disney World with my kids which is a big deal for me I don't see my kids so much I do Chappelle show 20 hours of baby sleep for like half an hour raise my kids to 10 20 minutes and not go back to work now this particular day I got to hook up with the kids we wouldn't the Disney World everybody at the park [ __ ] everybody hey hey Rick James [ __ ] hey Rick James pH as I aim at a you might not call me a [ __ ] in front of my kids timeout [ __ ] we take a day off even Mickey Mouse did it I said this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I have ever seen in my life I was fed up I caught that [ __ ] with the uppercut not to see it clean off everybody was screaming oh my god oh my god Mickey Mouse is Mexican I don't deal with jails don't deal with jails and I don't deal with police my house got robbed and New York I didn't even call the police I wanted to but I couldn't my crib is too nice it's not that it's too nice but it's too nice for me oh he's still here open and shut case Johnson currently this black guy broke it and hung up pictures of his family every way never seen anything like it don't deal with the man I had to bail a friend of mine out of jail one time you know that was horrible I was scared I had to walk right into the belly of the beast I tried to look as non-threatening as possible hi I'm here to bail out my buddy oh okay well while you're here you do fit a description you'll walk this way we can process you spit in those damn descriptions that could be bitter and blame all the police but now I'll tell you who I blame Stowe's sketch artist they keep drawing the same brother who is this generic man we all look like I don't know what they say when it says Haley be and they were like did you get a look just see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I did he's about six feet tall I'd say six feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good that's good stuff was on backwards yes it was black okay big lips big nose hanging out say no more sir drawn from memory now let me get my stencil I think we can trace this guy and same same time I've been accused of having sex with a girl I did not have sex with before let me tell you something that [ __ ] is infuriating you ever go through that thing you know it'll make you crazy we screaming at your best friends I didn't touch that fish think I'll kill you [ __ ] you me I can't you please believe me me the Clinton didn't do it like that did it Clint came out of the press conference all relaxed shoulders all relaxed and all this trouble look I just got done [ __ ] listen let me tell you something America I don't think you heard me first time I did not have sexual relations with that woman miss Lois [Applause] everybody know that finger smell like nobody can nobody care we all watched we was disgusted when we kept watching the news I know I did I was taping it so how did the crib like maybe turn the lights off news is coming home every week on 60 minutes was a different girl accusing Clinton when Kathleen Willey came out she was upset the president called me into his office he began Saji my breasts so I'm sorry and then I placed my hand on his genitals and Bradley was shocked who was he aroused oz at home like yeah was he arousal and then aunt Bradley look right in the camera is it don't bust that nut yet we'll be right back oh man a news and there have been so good but there were no victims there were no victims only when I feel sorry for is that a Lewinsky a little cyber I don't feel oh sorry bird oh god damn I'm not the one yeah yeah well Hart has a hard thing to be famous for me yeah nobody want to be the most famous [ __ ] of all time I feel bad for not even know that as jealousy that's what that is I mean come on that's one dignity that girl's suckered it's gonna haunt her for the rest of her eye long after she spent that money up that's still gonna haunt her I know there's a lot of women in here with at least one dick they regret and I bet you what a presidents dick I bet she worked at can issue the Safeway see we got to stop judging people that girl was young and she made a mistake that young girls make she wanted to [ __ ] a powerful man period that's as far as she thought it through she wasn't thinking how powerful the president was she had no wisdom Oh - I'm gonna helped everybody older woman would have been in there you know you should lower taxes that is my grandmother's thing that really cleaning up as a Negro spiritual black work song not everybody know about that see white people you guys my whistle when you work but that's how you can tell what kind of work we're actually doing [Applause] I said it kind of I do anything that has to do with race I read a little here see a little there and I travel that's always good traveling is mainly a racism kind of sewer if you will you know it's different from region to region anyone ever been down south so you guys know what I'm talking about and the racism now now it's just still do a perfection comfortable it's out in the open there are no secrets in Mississippi everybody knows the deal [Applause] Matt up here you hit the big cities man it's different it's always a secret and we should be like there we should keep up without know when been a little I mean with limits you don't want to say whatever comes to your mind it might be a little much why do be walking down the street man in this business the brother walk up to him hello you write oppressor you slave master rapist of Africa to go why hello my big lip spear chucking friend to say so why do what did you do today huh oppress a new land and make the people there Christians against their will what did you do fellow burn those big black lips on a crack pipe as your least your job it'll be easy why do you couldn't be well this chitchat has got me thirsty you will excuse me for a moment I'm gonna go to the Korean store get something to drink you spanner dad ruin the economy in our neighborhood well but it still isn't taking the money out the community well good afternoon you browse around but never buy anything [Applause] and the Lao that might be too much [Music] she can't help it if you an American you're racist we brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations we never look at that never visual we rarely look at individual I'm a racist I know I'm a race there's no how no the other day I caught myself being racist against myself there's so much you know and I got mixed up forgot whose team I was on what time I was reading the paper man this story came on about the UH this guy was suing a department store because they wouldn't let him play Santa Claus you know cuz he's black and I was actually like relieved when the department store beat him that's bad but I wasn't ready for that I wasn't ready for the idea of a black Santa Claus man it would suck we wouldn't get our presents to the 28th [Applause] Santa got caught at lisam Vegas I had to sell some toys to get back where them cookies it said I'm in the wrong business actually the president she know I'm in the wrong business the only reason what the president is cuz I'm black doesn't make it too hot for me I mean I mean it could be a black president one day but you don't wanna be the first one I mean second the third that's family that first [ __ ] better watch out I'm gonna tell you that right now - ha I may not be the first black president I don't think that nobody would really really hurt me I'm sure somebody want to hurt me but I don't think they touch me because uh because my vice president will be Mexican will insurance because shoot me if you want but you just go open the border up so you might as well leave me and vice president Santiago to our own devices hey that right side the OP see [Music] Galion can stay don't worry don't worry I don't got no alien jokes all I'll say by Eliana's thank God is Cuban as if he was Haitian you'd have never heard about his [Applause] Italian Elian Gonzalez was le on the moon bow from heaven way to push a little rubber to right back in the one side [Applause] other thing if somebody slept with so much stuff to worry about you know the more you know the more you don't know who and [ __ ] you know like a lot of people will be telling me Dave you know he just got relaxed the racism thing we bugging you too much everything about it sometimes she don't happen you know a lot of black people can relate to just have you ever had something happened that was so racist that she didn't even get mad he was just like he was like why you almost like it didn't even happen he was like a [ __ ] movie it was I used watching Mississippi Burning why haven't I was in Mississippi I was in Mississippi doing a show and I go to the restaurant to order some food and I say to the guy I said I would like to have and before I even finish my sentence he says the chicken I could not believe it could not believe that [ __ ] this man was absolutely right I said how did he know that I was gonna get some chicken I have someone so how you know that how did you know I was gonna get some chicken you look at me like I was crazy come on buddy come on buddy hey everybody new shows you off to the goddamn door you're gonna get some [ __ ] it is no secret down here that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset I wasn't even man I was just upset I wasn't ready to hear that [ __ ] all these years I thought I liked chicken because it was delicious turns out I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken I got no say in the man I got ruined chicken for me I'm scared eat it in public I know I want some I see me and say something some chicken look at him he loves it just like it's in the encyclopedia happy looks sometimes a killer doing that show business big crazy that's what the culture is really collide show business bring a lot of races together sometimes it works sometimes it don't this is one thing that happens it's funny you know sometimes I'd be on a business call right you know like with a with a lawyer some I'll always be right and and I will be on the call all right and they'll be like oh okay Dave we're gonna we're gonna close the deal is that fine with you okay that's good for me great great you have a good weekend Dave I'll be like all right you too man peace oh all right bye-bye what the saying right so sometimes sometimes I'll make up [ __ ] that's not even slang just to see how they handle it and [ __ ] me maybe the same business go alright we're gonna close the deals that finally do Dave yeah that's good to me great you have a good weekend Dave all right buddy zip it up and zip it out alright somebody do now my bike [Applause]

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 6,670,363

Rating: 4.8605986 out of 5

Keywords: dave chappelle, stand up comedy, jokes, bits, best of, funny, dave chappelle stand up, comedy, equanimity, sticks and stones, black people, drugs, chicken, president, poem, hilarious, humour, laugh planet, 2020, dave, chappelle, comedian, dave chappelle netflix, dave chappelle sticks and stones

Id: bR66wfF_mkM

Length: 30min 36sec (1836 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 12 2020