Comedians on Black People

you know what's [ __ ] up african people don't like black people y'all know they treat us like [ __ ] they talk down to us they think they're better than us and i don't understand because we're from the same tribe kind of but they like white people though they treat y'all like family as soon as y'all come around they get excited excuse me mr white man thank you for bringing us here we love you yay the white mommy soon as they see us they get an attitude hey how you doing this [ __ ] we don't like the black man in america [ __ ] you don't work you don't do [ __ ] we don't like you you black [ __ ] like who are you calling black [ __ ] i'm brown you midnight who the [ __ ] are you calling black like [ __ ] if you stood up against the building you look like an ally who the [ __ ] are you going the [ __ ] is unjust african men don't understand why when they come to america they have a hard time getting american [ __ ] you can't be that aggressive with american women especially black women you got to know how to talk you got to come correct mohammed's in africa is used to having they weight i got 15 wives and [ __ ] and african women are very obedient they tell they women what to do it's not even the issue [ __ ] when they come home you i don't know why they do that did you you you better you better clean this [ __ ] from the floor i don't maybe in the club's stalking women out here you can't even see them they be as black as my jacket you just see the yellow of their eyes from a distance looking like congo in the bush as soon as you go buy your drink they jump out the shadows and scare the [ __ ] at you [ __ ] what is your name come here don't run from me [Applause] you're going to be my wife what you're hunters last night the epic disaster film twister opened to big box office and some controversy the reverend jesse jackson has called for a boycott of the movie claiming that not enough black people in the film are killed by a tornado my kids got baptized at a black church wasn't prepared for that i mean i just i i prefer white shirts myself black chairs just takes too long for me you got to have your day free you can't make no plans going to a black church yep you found going to a football game you ain't gonna make it hey you might not make money tonight football while you're bullshitting is ridiculous man remember the first time i went to black church i ain't gonna take that long you know like i didn't eat breakfast that morning i thought i was getting about an hour you know my god almost died in my nutrition that day wait for sally strothers to pop up you know i was i was sitting in the church man i was like why is this taking so long you know i figured out having the service service while it's taking so long because um you know when you when you're in church white people man we don't say nothing you know we shut up and we listen you know if somebody tries to talk while preachers talk and we tell them zip it focus okay one more song we're gone remember first i went to black church um i i didn't know i didn't know that when black people agree what the service is about they don't wait they get up right there that they agree i don't know kdl out i'm sitting there i don't know why i got in the whole church i'm getting upset with all the black people pews around me you know i thought they were being disrespectful to the preacher i know kdl out i'm just sitting there preach on it are you serious just going to talk while he's talking yeah that's very disrespectful won't you zip it in focus it's 1 30. i'm ready to go home talk about it are you with him what you're allowed to talk are you serious i'm gonna say something let me watch i'm gonna say something come on it's 4 30. another song is she singing rihanna that's nothing to do with church it's six o'clock you guys have a step team are you serious the first baptist steppers it's 8 30. a freaking poet this is a talent show that's the fourth time she got the holy ghost she's lying you can't catch the holy ghost four times in one day it's 10 30. stop passing this plate around i don't have any more money it's midnight it's monday i'm late for work it takes forever man so i've been seeing this girl recently uh it's black girl right she lives up in harlem you know gone out like three four times you know first time we hung out we hung out like the village area in new york you know which is sort of like a racially mixed area so [ __ ] was cool you know what i mean second time you hung out was more like midtown you know then the third time she called me at like 3 30 in the morning and she wanted me to come up to her apartment right so it's 3 30 in the morning she lives in harlem i look how i look so it's a [ __ ] situation yeah because you know the deal right basically a white dude feels comfortable up to about like 98 99th street you know what i'm saying the second the streets start getting into like triple digits like 100 101st street start getting like a little asthma like [ __ ] you're starting to get a little high up here you feel that little tightness in your chest can you feel that 106th street you're like leaning on [ __ ] like dude where'd all the cabs go how come there's no taxis up here dude what's a bodega i don't know what that is let's get the [ __ ] out of here so i'm praying to god she's going to tell me to take the subway get off at like 105th street 1003 you know which is like the first stop in harlem where i can still look over my shoulder and see like all the white people like disappearing over the horizon you know but she goes no man you want to get in the uptown 2-3 train you want to get off at 125th stream like ah [ __ ] on 25th street [Applause] jesus christ that's like right in the middle of everything i'm gonna be surrounded on all four sides i can't [ __ ] do this so at this point i'm really trying to hide like the [ __ ] tone that's starting to creep into my voice you know and i'm trying to ask for really specific directions for when i get up there because i want to know exactly where i'm going so she starts naming the streets i have to go down and every other street up there is named that's like a black leader you know she's like make a left on adam clayton take a right on frederick douglas i'm like [ __ ] out of clayton now dude go on the internet look at that and play did he kill a bunch of white people during the slave revolt dude i going up there so i know what i'm saying to flip this [ __ ] [Applause] so at this point i'm really having a battle with myself because i'm thinking i can't do this right i'm like i can't do this but my dick's going now come on man we can do this all right just relax pull yourself together and get on the goddamn train right so as always i listen to my dick oh yeah i get on the train by the time i get up there it's like five or four in the morning right i'm staying on like malcolm x and like danny glover or some [ __ ] right i don't even know where the hell i'm at when i see the street i want to go up i want to go up saint nick i can literally see her apartment building but there's like five or six black dudes standing right on the corner right where i want to walk by so i'm like [ __ ] i thought i was on like some reality show at that point like some sort of like white guy survivor it was ridiculous so i'm thinking i gotta walk right by these guys right you know what's funny i think that they were actually more surprised to see me then i was scared you know and i was really really scared you know but i'm also really really white you know like shockingly caucasian you know like if you're not ready for me i can like surprise you no especially if you live up there you've probably seen a white person for hours possibly days so when i show up it's almost like magical like a leprechaun came out of nowhere you know felt like i should have like a little pot of gold like a rainbow behind me top of the morning too you like it just kind of dance my way past them but it's been going all right you know once i get in her apartment i'm fine you know i relax sit down you know watch a hip-hop countdown pretend like i know the groups you know what i mean it's just getting there that's a [ __ ] pain in the ass but you know i don't get mad at it because i figure you know black dude's got to go through the same [ __ ] though right when you go into the suburbs go [ __ ] a white girl right just that same awful feeling of just leaving your people behind you know just less and less of you as you're [ __ ] driving out there probably start off lean and you're all [ __ ] cool 20 minutes in you're driving like 10 and two the waves are like dude i like this [ __ ] i don't like this [ __ ] at all there's too much grass i don't see any rims this is [ __ ] up none of the windows are tinted i can clearly see white people in every car this is [ __ ] up [Applause] i just want to say i'm not trying to say that if you're white you can't complain right i'm just saying that if you're black you get to complain more right right because you can't there you go don't tell the band that yeah yeah yeah yeah because you can't you get this right you can't take people's like historical context away from them and everybody wants this to like white people are always like come on it wasn't us like they want black people to forget everything like every year white people add a hundred years to how long ago slavery was i've heard educated white people say slavery was 400 years ago no it very wasn't it was 140 years ago that's two 70 year old ladies living and dying back to back that's how recently you could buy a guy that's right and it's not like slavery ended and then everything has been amazing like it just oh glad that's over oh yeah it just ended like a clean where you don't have to wipe just boom and then it's just been parades and presents ever since you got it you got to remember that if you meet a black person they have gray hair they remember a time they weren't allowed to use a certain toilet so give them a little you know time to be cranky and by the way white people have our own thing that we stuff that we went sure sure that that hurt us that we have to cope with like when they took our slaves away that was really hard for us and we're still so it's pretty even it's okay so it's even yeah it's even but i didn't always know that was a black thing it took me a while to figure that out i learned that [ __ ] in new york i was in new york city now i was hanging out with a friend of mine he's a white guy you know we were just hanging out and we were lost in the city you know he's smoking a joint now i don't know it was a coincidence that we were lost and high and [ __ ] but my wife buddy he was smoking a joint dave dave it's the goddamn cops i'm gonna ask him for directions i said chip no chip don't do it it was too late he was walking over there this man was high as [ __ ] excuse me excuse me sir touching him and [ __ ] excuse me [Music] you need some information start confessing things you shouldn't confess i'm a little high all i want to know which way is third street the cow was like hey take it easy you're on third street you better be careful go ahead move it move it that's all that happened that's another story now i know that's not amazing to some of you but she has one of these black fellas that [ __ ] is [ __ ] incredible isn't it i'm saying a black man would never dream of talking to the police that's a waste of weed serious i mean i'll be scared to talk to the police when i'm sleepy they [ __ ] around get the wrong ideas you know oh my god that [ __ ] was on pcp johnson i had to use necessary force you saw them no no no paperwork just just sprinkle some crack on them let's get out of here

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 1,266,147

Rating: 4.8658562 out of 5

Keywords: comedians on black people, comedians, comedy, stand up comedy, white vs black, bill burr black friends clothing, louis ck black people, dave chappelle black people, aries spears african, gary owen black church, norm macdonald black people, funny, jokes, hilarious

Id: JJNBauM5gTE

Length: 14min 26sec (866 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 18 2020