LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- DAVE
CHAPPELLE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. >> THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] PRETTY INCREDIBLE DAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS
THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY TODAY? THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.
FIRST OF ALL, I'M NERVOUS. I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT.
YOU CAN'T TELL. ALL INSIDE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT A PERSON I NEVER ACTUALLY MET.
BUT I HEARD ABOUT ALL MY LIFE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY GREAT
GRANDFATHER, WHO APPARENTLY, BY ALL ACCOUNTS, WAS A VERY GREAT
MAN. HE WAS BORN A SLAVE IN SOUTH
CAROLINA. WAS A SLAVE FOR TEN YEARS OF HIS
LIFE. AND WHEN THE NORTHERNERS CAME
DOWN, THEY STARTED EDUCATING SOME OF THE NEWLY FREED BLACK
CHILDREN, AND HE LEARNED HOW TO READ.
BECOME A MAN OF EDUCATION AND DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO THREE
THINGS. EDUCATION, FREEDOM OF BLACK
PEOPLE, JESUS CHRIST. AME CHURCH.
PRETTY AMAZING STORY OF MY GREAT GRANDFATHER.
I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM ALL DAY TODAY BECAUSE I WISH I COULD SEE
HIM NOW. I WISH HE COULD SEE ME.
BECAUSE I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD SAY.
THIS WEEK I FLEW TO NEW YORK ON A PRIVATE JET.
NETFLIX STARTED STREAMING A SHOW THAT BEARS HIS NAME, "THE
CHAPPELLE SHOW." HBO MAX IS STREAMING IT.
AND I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR ANY OF IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH, IF HE COULD SEE ME NOW
HE'D PROBABLY BE LIKE, THIS THING GOT BOUGHT AND SOLD MORE
THAN I HAVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] THIS MORNING AFTER THE RESULTS
CAME IN, GOT A TEXT FROM A FRIEND OF MINE IN LONDON.
AND SHE SAID, THE WORLD FEELS LIKE A SAFER PLACE NOW THAT
AMERICA HAS A NEW PRESIDENT. AND I SAID, THAT'S GREAT, BUT
AMERICA DOESN'T. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU ASK WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE BEFORE COVID.
A MASS SHOOTING EVERY WEEK. ANYONE REMEMBER THAT?
THANK GOD FOR COVID. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMEONE HAD TO LOCK THESE MURDEROUS WHITES UP, KEEP THEM
IN THE HOUSE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL SUMMER LONG, YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING?
SHOWS IN OHIO. I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN IN OHIO.
A LOT OF THESE SMALL TOWNS IN AMERICA WAS DYING.
MY TOWN WAS DYING. WHAT I DID IS I DID SHOWS IN MY
NEIGHBOR'S CORNFIELD, AND THESE SHOWS WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL AND
MAY HAVE EVEN HELPED SAVE THE TOWN.
AIN'T THAT SOMETHING? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THE LOCAL FARMERS, MY NEIGHBORS, STARTED TO COMPLAIN
THAT MY SHOWS WERE TOO NOISY. IN A CORNFIELD!
[ LAUGHTER ] TOO NOISY IN A CORNFIELD.
I HAD TO HAVE A WHOLE TOWN MEETING ABOUT HOW NOISY I WAS
BEING IN THE CORNFIELD. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.
[ LAUGHTER ] I RECERTAINTIED IT.
I RESCENTED THESE COUNTRY FARMERS COULD DECIDE A GUY LIKE
ME'S FATE. PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO DO THAT.
THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH, THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
THEY PROBABLY WATCH ME RIGHT NOW, AT HOME LIKE, COME QUICK,
COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!
[ LAUGHTER ] NO, YOU BIG DUMMY.
THE GUY FROM TELEVISION IS AT THE GROCERY STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
KIND OF GUY THAT PROBABLY HAS AN ACCOUNT ON FARMERSONLY.COM, EVER
HEARD OF THAT WEBSITE? FARMERSONLY.COM.
A WEBSITE THAT BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF BITCH
ONLY SMASHES WITH FARMERS? [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S GROSS. THEY HAD A WHOLE ZOOM MEETING
ABOUT ME. I DIDN'T TALK ON THE MEETING, I
WAS JUST LISTENING, MANAGED TO HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT ME.
THEY'RE SAYING, MAN, I'M TRYING TO PUT MY CHILDREN TO BED.
AND I KEEP HEARING THIS GUY SCREAMING ALL NIGHT.
MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, AND ALL THEY HEAR IS THE "N" WORD.
I SAID, WAS I SAYING IT, OR YOU? [ LAUGHTER ]
HEAR THAT TWANG IN HIS VOICE. YOU KNOW YOU HEAR THAT ACCENT,
OH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS MASK.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW WHY POOR WHITE
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WEARING MASKS. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
WEAR MASKS AT THE KLAN RALLY, WEAR IT AT THE WALMART TOO.
[ MOANS AND APPLAUSE ] WEAR YOUR KLAN HOOD AT WALMART
SO WE CAN ALL FEEL SAFE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND LIKE OHIO, FOR INSTANCE, RIGHT?
PEOPLE MAKE MORE MONEY FROM THEIR STIMULUS CHECKS THAN THEY
DO IF THEY WORK. SO A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO
WORK. YOU KNOW WHAT IT REMINDED ME OF.
RONALD REAGAN. YOU A BLACK FELLOW, A YOUNG
FELLOW, YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT RONALD REAGAN.
RONALD REAGAN USED TO SAY ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, WELFARE PEOPLE,
DRUG ADDICTS? WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE NOW?
[ LAUGHTER ] STIMULUS CHECKS, HEROIN.
AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD, AND
THESE WHITE NIGGERS KEEP HOLDING US BACK.
DON'T EVEN WANT TO WEAR YOUR MASK BECAUSE IT'S OPPRESSIVE,
WEARING A MASK? I BEEN WEARING ALL THESE YEARS.
I CAN'T EVEN TELL SOMETHING TRUE UNLESS IT HAS A PUNCHLINE BEHIND
IT. YOU GUYS AREN'T READY?
YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THIS. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE
YOURSELVES. IN FACT, WE'RE THE ONLY ONES
THAT KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE THIS. WHITES COME, HURRY, QUICK, COME
GET YOUR NIGGER LESSONS. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU NEED US. YOU NEED OUR EYES TO SAVE YOU
FROM YOURSELVES. REMEMBER WHEN WHITE PEOPLE AND
BLACK PEOPLE COULDN'T BE TOGETHER?
JUST WHITE PEOPLE DANCING? YOU SEE THAT OLD FOOTAGE?
HOW DID THEY LOOK? [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU NEED SOME BLACK GUYS TO LOOK AT YOU LIKE -- HM!
HM, BOY. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW TRUMP IS GONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS AT
LEAST AN OPTIMIST. I AM NOT AS OPTIMISTIC AS HE
WAS. I LOOK AT IT, THERE'S BAD PEOPLE
ON BOTH SIDES. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, JUST TRYING NOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
CALL THE CORONAVIRUS THE KUNG FLU.
I SAID, YOU RACIST -- HILARIOUS SON OF A BITCH.
I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, NOT YOU!
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU SAY IT.
TRUMP WENT TO A PRESS CONFERENCE, WILD GUY, YOU EVER
SEE THIS? ON A PRESS CONFERENCE, TRIED TO
GUESS THE CURE OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN FRONT OF THE
WHOLE WORLD. IT'S A WILD THING TO DO.
WHAT ABOUT VERY POWERFUL LIGHT? DIRECTLY IN THE BODY?
I SAY, WHAT? THIS MAN JUST SUGGESTS THAT I
PUT SUNSHINE DIRECTLY IN MY BODY?
WELL, THAT'S INSANE. HE WENT FURTHER.
PUT ON SOME BLEACH. SOME BLEACH DIRECTLY IN YOUR
BODY. OH, BOY.
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHILDPROOF THE WHITE HOUSE NOW,
HE'S GOING TO TRY TO DRINK THE BLEACH!
MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T TOUCH THAT STOVE, IT'S HOT.
TURN THOSE SCISSORS AROUND IF YOU'RE GOING TO RUN AROUND THE
HOUSE, MR. PRESIDENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
SCARIEST PART ABOUT THAT. ONE OF THE LEADING VIROLOGISTS
IN THE WORLD WAS SITTING AS CLOSE AS YOU ARE TO ME, AND SHE
JUST WATCHED HIM SAY IT. CRAZY.
HER FACE WAS LOOKING LIKE, HE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I SAW THAT, OH, THAT'S WHY --
THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S WHY WOMEN MAKE HALF.
[ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ] DID I TRIGGER YOU?
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HALF, 70%, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S TOO MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M SORRY, LORNE, I THOUGHT WE
WERE HAVING A COMEDY SHOW. IT'S LIKE A WOKE MEETING IN
HERE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU KNOW WHAT TRUMP DID AFTER
ALL THAT STUFF? WENT OUT AND GOT THE
CORONAVIRUS. WASN'T THAT SOMETHING?
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, WHEN HE GOT
CORONAVIRUS, THEY SAID EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ON THE NEWS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DIDN'T SAY? THAT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS HILARIOUS.
TRUMP GETTING CORONAVIRUS WAS LIKE WHEN FREDDIE MERCURY GOT
AIDS. NOBODY WAS LIKE, HOW DID HE GET
IT? [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] THIS GUY'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE
THE OUTBREAK MONKEY. LOOKED LIKE A 1970s PENIS, RAW
DOGGING. RAW DOGGING EARTH.
[ LAUGHTER ] ACTUALLY MADE FUN OF JOE BIDEN'S
MASK. THIS GUY WEARS THE BIGGEST MASK
I'VE EVER SEEN! RIDICULOUS.
JOE BIDEN'S MASK WASN'T BIGGER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE'S MASK, MR.
PRESIDENT. [ LAUGHTER ]
LUCKY FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, HE HAD A GOOD HEALTH
CARE PLAN, DIDN'T HE? GOOD COVERAGE.
HELICOPTER PICKED HIM UP. [ LAUGHTER ]
RIGHT IN HIS FRONT YARD. HELICOPTER CAME.
REMEMBER THAT VIDEO, HE'S WALKING TO THE HELICOPTER BY
IMS? USUALLY HE'S WALKING TO THE
HELICOPTER WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, NO ONE'S AROUND HIM THIS
TIME, YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE RONA. [ LAUGHTER ]
HAD HIS MASK ON THEN, DIDN'T HE? HE'S WALKING.
[ LAUGHTER ] HEALTH GUYS TOOK HIM TO WALTER
REED HOSPITAL. I'M FROM D.C. AND I GOT TO TELL
YOU, WALTER REED IS NOT CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT YOU CAN WALK. [ LAUGHTER ]
TEAM OF DOCTORS WAITING FOR HIM, DOCTORS CAME AND RAN, GAVE HIM
EXPERIMENTAL MEDICINE AND STUFF. FLEW HIM BACK HOME IN THE
HELICOPTER. AND THEN HE WALKED RIGHT UP THE
STEPS, TOOK HIS MASK OFF, SALUTED THE HELICOPTER.
WALKED RIGHT IN THE HOUSE, KILLED FOUR MORE PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] I SAID, $750 IN TAXES GOES A
LONG WAY, DOESN'T IT, SIR? [ LAUGHTER ]
COLD STUFF, MAN. SOME COLD STUFF.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME GOING TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER WITH A BAG
FULL OF HAMBURGERS AND SAYING, THESE IS MINE.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THEN JUST START EATING IN
FRONT OF ALL THE HOMELESS. DON'T LET HUNGER DICTATE YOUR
LIFE! [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] THAT WAS COLD, BABY.
MEANWHILE, CHRIS CHRISTIE'S FAT ASS IS IN THE ICU, FIGHTING FOR
HIS LIFE. [ LAUGHTER ]
CHRIS CHRISTIE GOT ALL THE SYMPTOMS.
EVERYTHING CORONAVIRUS LIKES TO EAT, THAT'S WHAT'S IN CHRIS
CHRISTIE'S BODY. FAT, CHECK.
ASTHMA, CHECK. DIABETES, CHECK.
CORONAVIRUS LIKE, MMM-MMM! HERMAN CAIN'S BLACK ASS HAS BEEN
DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS. WHERE'S HIS SECRET SERUM?
THINK ABOUT THAT. FOR FOUR YEARS.
WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT? WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES SURE HE'S
OKAY WHILE HIS FRIENDS FIGHT FOR THEIR LIVES AND DIE?
A WHITE MAN. AND I DON'T MEAN TO PUT THIS ON
THE WHITES. BUT BEEN BLACK A LONGTIME, I'VE
KNOWN SOME BADDIES. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THERE ARE GOOD WHITES. WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP.
THEN JOIN ME. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING.
THIS IS MY PLAN. IT'S CALLED THE KINDNESS
CONSPIRACY. RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR
BLACK PEOPLE. DO SOMETHING NICE FOR A BLACK
PERSON. JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK.
YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S VERY IMPORTANT PART OF IT,
THEY CAN'T DESERVE IT. THE SAME WAY ALL THEM YEARS THEY
DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO BLACK PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE
BLACK. AND THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT.
YOU DRIVING THROUGH THE HOOD ONE DAY, YOU SEE A BLACK DUDE
STANDING ON THE CORNER, SELLING CRACK, DESTROYING HIS COMMUNITY?
BUY HIM AN ICE CREAM. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE'LL BE SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE'LL TAKE IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WOULD IMPLORE EVERYBODY WHO'S CELEBRATING TO REMEMBER, IT'S
GOOD TO BE A HUMBLE WINNER. REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HERE FOUR
YEARS AGO? REMEMBER HOW BAD THAT FELT?
REMEMBER THAT HALF THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW STILL FEELS THAT WAY.
PLEASE REMEMBER THAT. REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF WHITE PEOPLE
IS DROPPING. BECAUSE OF HEROIN, BECAUSE OF
SUICIDE. ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE OUT THERE
THAT FEEL THAT ANGUISH, THAT PAIN, THAT MAN, THEY THINK
NOBODY CARES. MAYBE THEY DON'T.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
I PROMISE YOU, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
YOU'RE A POLICE OFFICER. EVERY TIME YOU PUT YOUR UNIFORM
ON, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT A TARGET ON YOUR BACK.
YOU'RE APPALLED BY THE INGRATITUDE THAT PEOPLE HAVE
WHEN YOU WOULD RISK YOUR LIFE TO SAVE THEM.
OH, MAN. BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.
EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS. BUT HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU. YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER FOR IT.
AND I DON'T HATE ANYBODY. I JUST HATE THAT FEELING.
THAT'S WHAT I FIGHT THROUGH. THAT'S WHAT I SUGGEST YOU FIGHT
THROUGH. YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE
YOUR LIFE. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE
EACH OTHER. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FIND JOY IN
YOUR EXISTENCE IN SPITE OF THAT FEELING.
AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT -- COME GET THESE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOOD NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪
Mirror:
Part 1
Part 2
Holy crap 16 minutes? That has to be a record for longest SNL monologue.
Do you think he insists to Lorne that he doesn’t end his monologue the standard SNL way of saying “We have a great show — The Foo Fighters are here! So, stick around and we’ll be right back.” I don’t think it would have made his stand-up any les impactful.
I get jokes don’t have to be real, so I gotta ask, does Dave really not get any money from HBO Max and Netflix hosting Chappelle show? I can’t imagine it’s not a factor as to why he was asked to host if not to promote the shows availability on streaming services, which I can’t imagine he’d want to do if he doesn’t make some money off it.
That was pretty honest for SNL.
Oof sucks that the "bad people from both sides" joke didn't land, I thought that was smart.
Knew it was gonna be legendary when he brought his cig and ashtray out. Absolutely killed it.
Edit: The way he introduced the first skit was just like Chappelle show and that nostalgia felt amazing. Also havent laughed that hard at an SNL skit in a minute.
This was exactly what was needed.
"Deez white n****s holding us back" is the line of the decade.