Crusader Kings II - Incest Only Challenge

God you know they call this a family tree it's it's looking a lot more like a family circle just two longer this goes on you know this wouldn't be for the first time that I've had an idea for a video and thought is putting this on the internet really a good idea but hey the poll has spoken so here we are hi I'm Val Fiske and welcome to Crusader Kings 2 which surprisingly I've never actually played on my channel probably because I only have 12 hours on this masterpiece which is all from a single game where I united Ireland and married my way into the center of the Holy Roman Empire for well no specific reason really but right let's get on with us you've read the title you know what I'm here to do now before recording this video I didn't actually own any DLC for this game but have since bought the theory on the screen to help me along with this task but who you might ask are we gonna play now I've considered Zoroastrians because they do get the ability to marry kin right off the bat but but that's no fun I feel like it would be kind of cheating if what I was doing wasn't illegal in some capacity right off the bat so no we're not gonna place her Astri ins instead I've decided that we're gonna play Estonia for two separate reasons one I'm not that good at this game and I know it they're large enough that I can probably survive my intense terrible strategic decisions and two they're situated right between three separate holy sites for their religion which is I don't not I'm not even gonna try and pronounce that that's whatever which means I will be able to reform the religion faster and get the ability that lets me marry whichever poor kid happens to be first now before we really get into it let me just say the rules for this challenge are relatively simple my only goal here is that both the air and as many kids as possible must be of incest that doesn't mean that doesn't mean all of them I might marry a few of them off to trying to weasel some land out of somewhere but the majority will stay in the family as we attempt to break the habsburg inbred record together the line must remain pure oh and one last thing we are going to put generate families on cuz this guy has no historical record and it's really hard to sex a family you don't have but right without any further ado let's begin shall we alright let's see so we have a darling wife and two young children a boy 8 and a girl 7 so we are still only 27 which is fairly young so the first thing we're going to do is immediately plot to kill our wife I think what we're gonna do is we're gonna wait for this daughter to grow old enough and yeah you can guess where this is going for an ambition we're gonna let's make a friend yeah let's I want this guy to aspire what I in real life can't have and for the focus we're of course gonna pick seduction because we're gonna we're gonna need it now we actually have a claim already on this island which is great because if I yes so this is this is one of the holy sites we need right so what what we need to do is if we go to our religion here and reform it we need divine marriage which lets us marry close kin right and get divine marriage we need to control three holy sites and because of course I picked a stone eeeh we have three right here which is really convenient oh that's that's disturbing it looks like I've become really close friends with this guy's eight-year-old son God we're like five minutes in and I'm already the creepiest guy in the game Oh Oh looks like we're gonna get to kill the wife time to bribe the driver oh and the wife's dead all right so let's press some claims I wanna I want to take this holy site bird cries out and I wake up I hear men roaring in the distance oh oh no wait oh I just died the game that I've already dead [ __ ] okay so now we're the kid were nine which I guess makes the whole incest thing a little less weird but this this is fine this is perfectly fine all right there we go we won the war let's put put the military away we need the money ah there we go we're finally of age and we're immediately gonna pick seduction again oh there we go okay so our sisters finally of age which means we can begin Oh God oh I hate how it says a game for the whole thing like we're the only part of the family left so I mean it's it's right all right here we go please please work I sent her a beautiful necklace it covered her room with wildflowers but I've heard nothing back we're gonna keep going oh no oh no she replied oh no what am i doing oh okay all right well that's fine you know we've got very long lives and you're not allowed to marry anyone because I say no so I mean it's fine in the meantime we're gonna we're gonna declare war and we're gonna take the second holy site up here there we did it we won the war that's this - holy sighs sound wanted to go all right hurry over and I tried to do sir again take - oh my god I have the creepy I have the worst person about so I sent her a beautiful necklace and she put some bent rusty nail on my pillow she's feisty I love a good oh god I really belong in our slash nice guys I really do I managed to air quotes chance upon verve alone in the kitchen when she came down for her usual late-night snack bet that she's a naive romantic well hold on what do I know about her what are her traits she's a tough soldier she's gluttonous kind and honest she could be naive like the nice or just the lewd I don't kind and honest tells me she wants the nice so I'm gonna try it ah for [ __ ] sake god damn it this is what the poll said I had to do okay it's not my decision all right oh here we go same thing again so she didn't take that last time she's not gonna want that let's try the middle one she said the same thing [ __ ] okay oh here we go again I take a long walk alone oh not again how many times have I done this is she really gonna fall for this again or we gonna try it off [ __ ] she refuses again stay away forever well that's what you said last time and it's it's not gonna happen oh who is this feisty young scullery maid with Hugh intellect courtier named Olli no we don't want no get out I don't want no common wench [Laughter] alright here we go attempt three come on now so I've given her gold so her opinion of me is up to 84 even though my opinion is only 5 where we're gonna go for a third attempt she's still kind and honest so I still think the first one is the best idea hmm yes we've done it leaving the court clueless I hope oh this this would be bad if this gets out all right now we're gonna fall in love with her cuz we have to she's the only kin we have left so she's the only option oh no oh I mean sorry oh yes oh this entire game is making me feel very uncomfortable I have to say oh there we go the son was born and I unfortunately I couldn't name him but it looks like it looks like my sister named him after me yeah cuz you're really not making it obvious are you there are you okay he's legitimized we've done it we've done it we have an heir we have an air of purity oh whoops oh my mistake I accidentally just enabled a different kind of marriage so it's like my sister has now become the heir what I really need I need another holy sight I need to reform the religion we're gonna declare war conquest of the province send oh but they do have vassals oh my sister's pregnant again oh that's nice oh we have a daughter oh it seems my amorous adventures have resulted in a child right we're gonna legitimize her as well all right there we go that's good okay the the line will live on we have we have two two of them now all right so hold on where's the family tree oh here it is hmm oh I love how it separates the family tree but it's very clearly the see and force demands we did it we won we took the holy site we actually did it alright so there we go we're also actually just about at the amount of money we need to be the king of Estonia which is pretty dope as well but more importantly we have the three holy sites we need which means the only thing left is we need to get the moral authority up to 50% and then we're good alright well if we want to up moral authority the best way for us to do that would probably just be to kill some heretics god we're so damn close come on my guy is 45 now he's been waiting decades to marry this woman oh oh this is my son's of age he is the the elusive shadow which honestly makes it sound like he's a typical 16 year old really full of himself there Oh what happened oh we can do it we can do it we could reform the religion yes okay so what do we want to do I feel No okay I think I know what I want to do I'm gonna take divine marriage and polygamy as my two doctors peace okay I will take this this is allowed right we can do it now though oh we finally did it in order to in order to ensure the divine purity of their bloodline right so there we go we're finally married finally married which means now we can also get our son to marry his sister this I don't like this I really don't like like what I'm doing the line will remain pure oh okay there we go the kid the kids are now of age and they they can they can get married so now if I look at the family tree oh boy it's just guess if we're confusing by the day now all we need to happen is we need them to have kids and we'll be good oh oh no oh okay the wife dies that's sad come on you two come on I'll hit that grandson goddamn it come on uh-oh wait wait oh well I mean they haven't had any kids yet so if if I'm the one who has to do it I'll do it oh and it happens but just like that no there was no no cajoling necessary she was just into it it's okay I guess I really hope my son doesn't find out I don't think he'd like this idea [ __ ] sake Oh Oh okay hopefully she will be able to persuade her husband to be the real what what is this I really I'm very conflicted right now I don't know about this all right well with any luck let's hope she has a son and let's hope it's not inbred fingers crossed was hopes not inbred Oh as a daughter Oh Oh No oh he thinks it's his daughter oops yeah oops indeed my friend oops indeed oh and of course she's inbred as well Oh God oh man I really hope cos never finds out he'll never forgive his dad if that happens oh I've done it again okay oh this is just disturbed I'm 60 years old now and she's 27 Oh God I also love how my mind immediately jumped to the fact that the issue is the age and not the the family relation oh I've got a son and she no know she named him after me oh and of course cost is too stupid to realize that despite the fact right that he spent all this time in this province scheming I don't even know why he's there I think I don't I did that by mistake but despite the fact that he's there scheming it's not never occurred to him that these kids are not his oh well I mean the line is pure I guess is this kid inbred yeah yeah he is he's inbred oh god what does this family tree look like now what the hell is this God is like bacteria every single row it just doubles is ohm and it's happened against happened a third time now do you know what just just in case I think cost would you mind going we need you to go to Rome okay study their technology and just remember you know it could take take years for you to conceive a child so any children born between now and then are definitely yours I promise you nothing fishy is going on here at all you just stay over there in Rome and you can come back when I'm dead oh wait now that we have another son and costs to fix the kid oh it's happened the fourth number four all right we're in number four Oh son number three and coughs still thinks the kid is his this kid is really it's just not that bright is he oh oh no oh so after four kids her her brother found out oh yeah well I mean it works you know we have four kids now in the line only one girl I'm not really I don't know how that's gonna turn out let's give them to the courtier oh Sh I died all right I'm apparently the next guy okay that's fine oh oh no oh no I looked away for one second and the incapable died in bed I'm thinking I'm really tempted to kill off the second son because we're still on gävle kind and if we lose if we die now we'll lose novgorod's which is a bit of an issue oh no oh no the daughters incapable now oh god she's gonna know so now we only really have two sons left oh wait what wait wait wait wait wait wait what's with who King cask and Marya her but wait why should do something come up and did I just click okay no I've done it I've gone outside of the family I failed but we do have a daughter who quite clearly is not inbred so I mean maybe we should just legitimize her and keep her because the other daughter is incapable so she's gonna die but if we keep this one that leaves a daughter to be married sorry if we're gonna take her I don't know how okay wait so am I am I still in like having an affair no I'm not and I can't I can't even seduce her so how the hell did that happen what the hell all right well okay I guess we have a bastard then that's fine this just makes the family tree a little more confusing oh wait a minute wait wait she's capable again the first daughter is okay that means we don't really need this bastard after all because now we actually have a decent daughter here she may be inbred and she may be nourished but I mean she's she's come below below netic all right let's see so we're gonna marry verve and which one of yous older and that kids right we're gonna marry these two Oh oh no oh we just lost one of the sons he died of illness all right well that leaves that leaves one right well there's only one thing for it it's guess those two are together now oh there we go all right one of the last two kids have come of age the line the line continues my friends the line continues oh no no no not this again oh it's happening again all right well we're going for it and that was it right well that is the second time that an elderly father has had an affair with this elf god what am i doing what am i doing right well if if it produces an error I will do what must be done god this is getting this is getting really confusing cuz right this isn't wait no no no no so she's not actually my daughter though she's my no no hang on no I got to think about this she's not my daughter she is my I guess daughter-in-law no because that means it's in-law well but let me think about this half part so sister because it's my oh this is really okay this is doing my head in right let me think so it was my father and my wife's son daughter and my wife is also my sister so it's my father so that makes her partially a sister yeah so sister not a daughter this is this is getting really confusing this is doing my head in Julia's oh of course right because I I have polygamy okay so we're also gonna give his half-sister to this guy as well this is just max I'm just like so confusing right now oh there we go right so now we can marry her off to that guy okay so now the son is married to the two sisters Oh oh my wife just died damn it he's 29 now and she's 36 and there's no there's no air oh oh he's dead that's it all right well we desperately need children so we're gonna take the son bonus we're gonna take seduction we're gonna do whatever whatever it takes damn it you morons come on we need we heat the kids come on you can't let all of this family planning go to waste there's only three of you left now oh right well we've we've just become incapable again oh god damn it it looks like we're gonna he's he's probably gonna die now oh okay whatever you just saw and that was not edited that timing was perfect oh my god all right so there's now only two women left in the family so now we need we need to get some new blood in here so we're gonna take seduction we're gonna take Mary someone sent art beckons me massive muscles flexing oh oh right we're we're a lunatic so I'm hallucinating so I either so I either banged my hallucination or I have a 10% chance of losing the trait lunatic I think I'm gonna take I'm gonna take my hallucination for a ride I came to to in a state of bliss mine filled with foggy images of the stunningly handsome centaur when it what is wrong with me oh wait who the hell are you Oh Oh do is this is the Centaur so I had wait so it wasn't a hallucination all right we've had a son with a hallucination of a centaur and his name will be cost okay sure oh I'm ill don't die please don't die please son I died [ __ ] all right so that leaves that leaves us with King cost the second two years old board of a hallucination I got a call that in the bloodline because he just kind of appeared out of nowhere look at this family tree they call this a family tree but the longer this goes on the more it starts to look like a family circle all right so now now what do we do we're two years old we have no surviving relations except for one the sibling here it is she's the only one left it's almost fitting that the last surviving member of this dynasty Trueblood anyway of this dynasty was produced by a hallucination guys she's probably being the stable boy did she bang Hodor oh god it was Hodor all right well I think for now I think for now we can call this a success so thank you guys for watching and I will see you next time [Music]

Channel: Valefisk

Views: 1,850,447

Rating: 4.9163246 out of 5

Keywords: crusader kings ii, ck2, ckii, ck2 holy fury, ck2 game of thrones, ck2 multiplayer, ck2 tutorial, ck2 guide, ck2 tips, ck2 elder kings, ck2 byzantine empire, ck2 timelapse, eu4, eu4 memes, ck2 memes, hoi4, hoi4 memes, ck2 perfectly balanced masterpiece, xcom 2, xcom 2 gameplay, valefisk, valefisk speedchievement, funny, perfectly balanced, skyrim together, age of mythology, gaming montage, thespiffingbrit, csgo funny moments

Id: H9w5U1rSd88

Length: 21min 19sec (1279 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 02 2019

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Comfy video