Chemistry vs Compatibility | Tony Gaskins

hey hey Tony guys in here one popin got a question that came in about chemistry versus compatibility and that's a great question and being that they sound very similar when you think about it just if you just quickly pass through it you will think what's the difference but when you really dig into it and I've talked about this for quite some time using an analogy from chemistry now you think about it if you're ever in science class and you were ever in the lab and you seen videos where somebody's in the science lab and they mix two different chemicals and create an explosion the same thing happens in relationships sometimes because you can be in a situation to where y'all have chemistry but your compatibility is actually explosive in a negative way so a lot of times what happens is when you go on a date and I hear women say all the time you know the chemistry was so strong the chemistry was so strong and that's how we ended up you know sleeping together on the first night or in the first week or on the third date you know all the chemistry is so strong the chemistry is so strong and you hear this all the time but what you gotta realize is that players womanisers are scientists so these men and I used to be one of those men are scientists they know how to create chemistry so women oftentimes are on the losing end and vice versa think about it the devil in the blue dress you know think about when you the movies you see where they have this woman and she's the temptress and she worked for the bad guys but she can go to this man get him to drop his guard and get the information she needs to return it back to the bad guys she created what this guy thought was chemistry so what you have to realize is that a lot of times today chemistry is manipulated because it is created by someone who has had so many interactions with different people that he or she knows how to manipulate it and just create your reaction so if a person deals with a lot of people you learn okay this is how a white woman responds this is how a black woman responds this is how I age and woman responds this is how a Hispanic woman responds this is how what a tall woman needs this is what a shorter woman needs this is what a woman who is this complexion needs to hear this is what a woman who is this complexion needs to hear a woman who's built like this shaped like this I color this see a womanizer somebody who's playing the field learns the buttons to push that really gets a woman to drop her guards because he's had so many field tests so what you have to realize is that most of the time chemistry is just created it's not this organic spontaneous combustion is something that's created so highly educated people when I say educated I mean like well-read I'm not talking about the person who is socially awkward but a genius I'm not talking about that I mean someone who was well read and they or just well-versed don't even have to be well-read it's just they're well versed in in dealing with people and talking to people you know I called my wife the aunt little Queen when I sat down and I talked to her she was able to hold a conversation we talked for six hours straight so both of us are conversation conversationalist so therefore that gives a feeling of chemistry now what you have to realize is chemistry is important when it's real so I wasn't playing the game she wasn't playing a game and this is where compatibility comes into play because if you're fake then the compatibility won't be enough if you're being authentic and you have authentic chemistry which it may take about three months to really know if the chemistry is authentic or if it is contrived then that's where compatibility comes into play but on the other side of this what you have to understand well before we go to the other side what you have to realize about chemistry is if you mix certain chemicals it's going to explode in your face so when you mix someone that is highly that you're highly attracted to there you're lusting over them and they're very well-versed in dating in courting in conversating in the beginning of a new union all of those things mixed together means a lot of laughter a lot of touchy-feely and then boom you're in the bedroom or in the backseat of the car and then next thing you know five weeks later you're looking at a pregnancy test that's telling you it's that time and you're like what in the world just happened you were in the wrong chemistry lab mixing the wrong things together and boom now you stuck with this person that you barely know because y'all went too fast and now you're about to reproduce and bring a third life into the world inside of six months that it's already conceived you see that's the thing with chemistry is that you have to put it to a test of compatibility now the big mistake that happens with compatibility and I've never watched a video on chemistry versus compatibility you know I searched it to see if this is something that people are actually talking about when I received the question but I didn't watch a video because I don't like to repeat anybody else so if I say something that somebody else says then that would be a confirmation but I'm taking my angle on it and this is the thing that I see as a relationship coach is when it comes to compatibility and as a former matchmaker when it comes to compatibility a lot of people don't really understand what it means and so I will see people that say hey you know I need someone that I'm compatible with he must enjoy classical music because I absolutely love classical music I need someone that I'm compatible with he must like old-school R&B he must love to cook he must love to love the arts he must love to play instruments and we consider that compatibility but what you have to realize is opposites attract so when I mean opposites attract I'm not saying in the sense of a positive and a negative but what I mean is when you are opposite you allow you give room in your relationship to teach each other because when you're opposites now you have more room for exploration see what a lot of people make compatibility mean which regardless of what the definition says in a relationship compatibility may mean something totally different then in business or in science so in a relationship compatibility does not mean that this person is your replica this person is your your clone that y'all like the same type of fool and you like the same type of music you like to do all the same things because guess what when you're just like someone you're gonna be bumping heads now you become like two bulls you don't bump a head and you're just going at each other because you're just a life but see when you are truly compatible you're gonna be different in the key way so that you fit together like a puzzle so think about it like when you're putting together a puzzle a lot of people say I need somebody that likes this like this like this like this and it's like that's the same shape as you so when you try to put your puzzle together you're gonna have missing pieces because you're stacking on top of each other because you're just a light but when you're different now you can bring balance especially when you have kids or adopt kids or what have you you can bring balance because one of you has this certain type of personality that may be like this a type personality dispar fection is this you know very strict and by-the-book type personality then the person you're compatible with may have a very chill easygoing personality to where they can reinforce you on the important things but they let the little non-essential things slip through the cracks so that the kids can breathe a little bit and then vice versa one person may be very strict on something and then the other person viii the a personality a type personality can let something slide see that is more compatibility so here's the thing when it comes to compatibility what you have to make sure is that your foundation is compatible see and foundation is the things upon which you build your life so the type of food you eat you need food to live but what you eat is not necessarily as you may not feel as strongly about that as the religion that you serve now sometimes it goes hand in hand like certain religions do not eat pork so if you meet someone and they just love the bacon bar and they wanna just kill a little piggy every week then guess what y'all are not compatible because the reason why you don't eat bacon is rooted in your religion which is your faith which is your foundation you see what I mean so you have to look at compatibility and realize that the key component there is that your foundation is the same so politics religion and then the things that matter in your life on a large scale like do you want marriage do you want children how do you spend money in those areas you know your faith your family meaning how much family you want how many kids you want how you interact with your family how you separate family from your relationship your marriage your faith your family and your finance is those three else that I just gave you are very important when you are evaluating compatibility now it's like this I'm a cool chill person I've been married 13 years and what I call a healthy perfect marriage and the reason why I say healthy perfect marriage is because I absolutely love being married and I could tell my wife loves being married we don't fuss and fight and yell and argue and storm off and go to bed man but here's the thing my wife she is more health conscious so she can eat all these vegetables she can make a vegetable soup not a piece of meat in sight and just tear it up you know and I that's not my idea of a soup you know I'm more so thinking like chili that has the meat in there and but I could eat her vegetable soup and it just opened my eyes I'm like wow this is delicious she introduced me to something you know I picked a woman just like me then we just be eating chili and whatever that does to the body me I come from you know african-american culture she is Jamaican she comes from Jamaica and now like a Jamaican American but not really because she was born in Jamaica so in African American culture fried chicken is a big thing you know we fried chicken and maybe that's because we hired a hot grease and didn't have a oven you know back in the day I don't know so you can make a fire outside and get some grease you fry your chicken maybe that's where it came from and but oven you got I mean you know roasting it on the ugh I don't know where Fried Chicken came from but it's a thing so I knew of Popeyes 8'o Popeyes when I met my wife she had never had Popeyes so I was able to introduce her to that and then she was able to explain to me how this ain't healthy okay you eat just once a month all right we'll let it slide but you're gonna hit three times a week you're gonna be dead so she was educated in ways that I was not educated in she was able to teach me things about the body guess what she love roller coasters I loved them until like the age of 18 from probably 15 18 after that my senses started to slow down and roller coasters just too hot and too fast for me but it brings balance because it'll get me out of my comfort zone but yeah it also engages her and she has a blast me I'm more so a movie theater person she will watch a movie with me and enjoy it and love it our date night she feels up to me we'll be going to you know the movie theater that serve you dinner in there every time but she's more outgoing adventurous we went to Europe for six weeks I did not like the bill but I would never forget the experience of visiting 20 different cities eight different countries in Europe so I want you to understand that I'm giving you a real-life example of a happy healthy marriage authors of a woman's influence that we just wrote and publish here recently but I want to give you a real example because see a lot of the people that's talking about chemistry versus compatibility I don't know but they may be single they may not be married they may not be in a happy healthy marriage that's been longer than a decade so the depths of knowledge and understanding that you get when you get married and you're happy and you cross a decade and you're still happy that depth of knowledge and understanding is gonna open your eyes and so now I realize that compatibility may not be what a lot of people think it is because me and my wife are complete opposites so when you look at it on the outside you may say y'all aren't compatible but actually we are compatible because we fit together like a puzzle piece when I when I want to go low she could bring me high when she want to get to high I could bring her back down low we can balance one another out so she might get too crunk at a soccer game because I'm chill I could bring her back down hey calm down me I might overanalyze i overanalyze everything she could get me a stop thinking so much stop overanalyze come come back up you see what I mean we balance one another out if I got somebody with a woman who I said oh we're compatible because she thinks like I think me man this woman to be so sad and depressed and stressed and over analyzing everything we would be looking at the clouds trying to analyze the conspiracy theories the grass outside will be overanalyzing everything and we calling ourselves compatible when really we bad for each other because we can't bring balance so that's what you got to understand and this is a mistake that so many people make is they go and they get somebody who likes exactly what they like but see the difference between chemistry and ability is that chemistry is typically just gonna be around your preferences so and then compatibility will take into account your standards and there's a difference between preferences and standards so with chemistry what you have is you feel chemistry when you're turned on and what I mean is when you're intrigued and when you are in awe of this person but see that has to do with your preferences so if you like a certain height a certain build a certain complexion a certain articulation a certain education if you like certain things then when you meet that you're going to feel a sense of chemistry but this person let's just say as a man he may be tall dark and handsome with an amazing body but he could absolutely be toxic abusive lying cheater but you don't know that so because he's tall dark and handsome he has an eight-pack he has an amazing million-dollar smile he's six foot four he has great hair line he just can talk his head off but he listens to you you soul you learn her life you aquafina round down there and so you just oh you so and so you feeling so good that next thing you know you own your body boom three months and you realized whoa that was his representative this guy is nuts this guy has gone off the deep end what in the world am I in Oh y'all had chemistry and now it blew up in your face see preferences are a lot of times no I need him to be six-foot needing to make six figures needing to have a six-pack or needing to have at least six inches you see it all up six is you putting in so remember what we say about that with all them six is you will end up with a devil on your hand and that's what happens a lot of times and a man will do the same thing oh I need our button to be like this I need her breasts to be like this neither have this complexion this kind of hair this color eyes and what he don't realize that he just built a Jezebel this woman got a Jezebel spirit and she been using her looks and her shape for years to manipulate men and get what she want from me and now he's thinking this chemistry and it actually is the death things that's gonna introduce him to his financial spiritual or emotional demise and he didn't even see it coming because he called it chemistry so see that's what you got to realize is when you meet someone that there was a study done wants that and what they did in the study is may be able Stanford you know somebody some somebody smart school what they did is they got people's lists of what they wanted so in a person and so a woman to put I want a guy who is you know has a great tan he's six foot tall or taller has brown hair hazel eyes and loves to fish loves long walks but is honest trustworthy and faithful so that's her list to know if a person is honest trustworthy and faithful that takes time that takes time you got to be able to be with a person sometime you're not gonna know that on the first date so what does what the scientists took him did the researchers they took him got a man with a great tan hazel eyes brown hair six foot two and who says he loves the fish he's honest and all of that so no he he didn't say all that he's a dog he a dog he a player he don't like the fish he don't like the fish that's what the study was he don't like the fish what they took him did is got what a person was looking for physically but everything else the person was the complete opposite and so they sat these people down to have this talk and the people talking and they talking with somebody who looked like exactly what they said they won't and then the people got up from the top and they're like oh my goodness that was so amazing that is my husband that is my wife oh my goodness how did you all do that you all need to have a matchmaking agency that was just the most yo euphoric thing I've experienced in my life so what the scientists were able to come up with is that when we see something we like all other senses go out the window you looking at something that you like and you sew into it the man said yeah you know and I actually like on Saturdays I just have this thing that I it's called like grandma purse snatch and I just go to like women that's over 60 and I just you know I Club him in the back of the head really quick and just take their person run and you over there like oh my goodness that is hilarious I can only imagine the old lady's face up oh my god you're so hilarious and so you sitting over there and the man says told you he snatched old lady purses on Friday night but you looking at him like he the best thing since sliced bread because he tall dark and handsome so you really and that's an exaggeration but I want you to understand what I'm saying is how when you see what you like you end up on your bike when you see what you like you end up on your by that is chemistry but chemistry can explode in your face there are explosions in the chemistry lab but see when you come into the compatibility lab okay compatibility lab this over here is natural science okay which I don't know what natural science eels but I'm going to make it mean something over here in NASA scientists uh D in the dirt we study in the rocks Co chemistry you studying the molecules the protons the all lists here okay in natural science and I don't know what happened in real science class okay cuz I've failed mine but over here natural science we studying just the natural the real the organic okay so that's compatibility see over here incompatibility now you're looking at not preferences you're looking at standards so if I come in and I say listen I'm talking to myself and I said I'm a Christian man you know I read the Holy Bible and I live by the teachings so not lying not still in not killing you know not coveting not fornication not adultery I'm keeping these teachings of my faith in my religion so that's gonna mean a lot when you look at compatibility if this person over here says you know I'm an atheist I'm a good person but I don't believe in II you know Jesus Christ or anything like that guess what we're not compatible because I build my life off of my religion my beliefs my spiritual beliefs if this person does not have spiritual beliefs and don't believe in a higher power we're not compatible you see what I mean when you look at standards one of the standards that people may make is politics if foundationally the side of politics your own is different foundationally from the side of politics of this person you met then y'all may not be able to build because inside of those beliefs those political beliefs maybe some foundational things and whatever country you're in I don't know but that can be come a foundational belief so do you want family as you're living life you build a family or not so if you say I want to build a family I want to have kids and if you can't have kids I want to adopt kids and then the person you're dealing with says I absolutely hate children I will rip their hair out one strand at a time I mean it is know I cannot do that I just I worked at daycare for three seconds and it absolutely not guess what that's a foundational belief you're not compatible when you look at and see this is the thing this what I'm telling you why it's dangerous when you confuse chemistry with compatibility because he here's the thing in the chemistry department you can meet somebody who was everything you say you want a man over six-foot this guy six four he absolutely what y'all would call gorgeous how women be saying oh he's gorgeous yeah I mean you think this man look perfect but you a Christian or a Muslim and he said he ate this when you confuse the two that's what goes wrong and you end up in a relationship fighting like cats and dogs okay because what happened is if so many people who choose chemistry over compatibility and now you up the creek without a paddle and y'all can't even devise a plan on how to get back to shore because y'all aren't compatible so y'all can't even work together put your minds together you could think differently but they can definitely does not mean that you're not compatible because you can think differently and come together put the puzzle pieces together and get back to shore you get up the creek without a paddle with somebody you're not compatible with and y'all going to meet Lord you see what I mean and so that's what you got to realize when you look at compatibility don't include preferences see when you think about compatibility some people they're taking in well what kind of music do you like what's your favorite food what's your favorite color those things are not real compatibility those are preferences that's gonna help you overhearing your chemistry on the first date second date third date oh my goodness we ordered the exact same thing I did not know you were gonna order that oh my G and so you sitting there and that's chemistry cuz y'all wanted the same food and y'all want to go to the same restaurant cuz y'all like the same kind of music that's chemistry see what happened is compatibility coming to play is does this man want children like you want children does this man believe in God like you believe in God you see what I mean cuz yeah he like the same y'all order the same food want to go to the same restaurant because they play the same live music live jazz band absolutely love it but he could be in there and be an atheist and you in there and you a woman of faith you see what I mean so get this through your head alright and my video might be longer than everybody else chemistry verse compatibility because everybody ain't called going to the depths of these things if you don't do this every day you know you get popping up just to shoot a video it's gonna be a little hard to go where you need to go on there but I'm here to tell you I'm seeing this happen where people confusing it and you choosing chemistry over compatibility or you confuse and welcome ability is so understand is lastly I'm reiterating this in your compatibility it's not how compatible you are in your preferences like in the same music like in the same flavor of food like in the same outdoor activities what matters is how compatible you are in your standards your faith your family and your finances because he look when it comes to finances if you are a saver if you are saver and this person over here is a complete spender and they they just want to spend every single dime and they have no balance whatsoever they want they they love filing bankruptcy they'd already file bankruptcy for you mental they love filing bankruptcy they love credit card debt and they have no desire to change they want to live on debt and credit and just spend every dime or the count got point oh one in it oh man there's a penny store up the street oh my gosh I've been waiting to get this last little piece of penny candy but I needed my account to get the zero point oh one yes let's go you see and now it's different if the person like to spin because they don't have a scarcity mindset and they have an abundant mindset and they have balance they still understand paying down debt you know getting out of debt but they like to live that's different so if you are saver this person who understands having a savings is good coming out of debt is good but let's not live on the envelope system the rest of our life let's get beyond that and let's live a little bit and so that's how my wife feels she doesn't have a scarcity mindset so we went on this six-week tour of Europe and we're not filthy rich it's not like we are Bill Gates so but she said let's do this and but at the same time she know how to say okay let's pay down these credit cards or let's pay this right here pay this debt there so it's balanced so me I'm a spender but I'm may not have that same amount of balance me personally a bill collector you can chase me are you saying boat buddy bills keep chasing be you so I may be different it's just an example so you need somebody that's gonna bring balance if they just like you and handle it the same exact way you handle it then guess what y'all gonna be up the creek without a paddle and y'all because your standards do not fit together so realize this regardless of what compatibility says in the dictionary regardless of what it means in science regardless what it means in math what it means in a relationship may have different implications or it may be the same I have not checked in math science in the dictionary but what it means in a relationship is that y'all standards are compatible does not mean the same but it's compatible it goes together that you your belief system will bring balance and unity in your household so me and my wife we have the same political beliefs we look at it the same way we have the same religious beliefs we look at it the same way we have the same family beliefs we look at family the same way so we have the same financial beliefs you can have a little reals here and there and net to where she went to a birthday party this is a real-life example she want to do a birthday party and the the way she want to do it and plan it might cost 20500 me I might be like is there any way we could do this for 1500 so we just offer brand right there but what I realize is if she's doing and then she knows it's not gonna kill us and I gotta just get out of my head and thinking that she being over the top and just let her be let her do that because she may see it a different way than me because she's thinking about the kids she's thinking about their memories and so later upon interviewing my kids about a birthday party it's some of the greatest days they've ever had in their life so had I done it my way they wouldn't have had those days look like the way those days looked but allowing my wife to do it the way she wanted to do it so you see what I mean it brings balance if she thought just like I thought then our kids be at how popping balloons you know with a birthday cake but thinking the way she think I'm able to stretch go to the party that's out of rented out you know rec room at the town hall or city hall with all the decoration that's being come come in from Party City and Amazon and from China all set up blow-up dolls and all the tables and all this food and so I'm able to go in there and I'm like wow this is amazing wow that's amazing and I'm taking credit for it yeah yeah this our party yeah this our party that we put together mm-hmm you like everything and I was against it you see what I mean but me being able to let her be her operating her personality that actually makes us compatible because it brings balance so listen now when I'm doing these her videos I could talk on it for hours and give different analogies and different scenarios to help you understand but I don't want to be too long and and also y'all understand by the ads on videos I don't play some you to play some and I'm not a youtuber okay so I don't know how all this work so just understand that talk to you take that over YouTube or get you to premium okay now sit down and do your recap on this and really look at if there's any confusion you have between chemistry and compatibility and look at dates that you had or even the relationship that you're in and see if you had chemistry but didn't have compatibility or you had compatibility but didn't have chemistry both do matter and both can go hand-in-hand so my wife and I had chemistry when we sat down and we talked for six hours that was chemistry but in the talking we realized we had compatibility in our belief system but here the caveats and nuance is okay two months in what I said I believed I showed my wife that I wasn't on her level by being trying to be insecure jealous and controller so she had to break up with me so she broke up with me two or three months in I lost track and we just so happened to link back up six months later so two or three months and after amazing chemistry she found out that in the actual relationship setting that we were not compatible because I could not trust I wasn't gonna trust her when gonna believe her and I was being overbearing when we went apart I learned my lesson when she left me I learned my lesson like wow honey you ran a good woman away by being overbearing and controlling and asking too many questions being jealous and insecure because you int because you don't trust yourself because you know you add all you want accuse her of being a dog because you was a cheater you know what cheating looked like so everything she do it looked like cheating when it could have not been cheating and some of it could have been how am I to know and so what I was asking is she didn't appreciate that so guess what that's what you have to realize is that you can feel chemistry and you can hear compatibility and then a few months later three months and six months in what you thought was gonna be compatible this person is actually not who they said they were when you were that chemistry and now you got to pack your things and leave now you got to get up and go and so find the balance between the two and so some people will say okay Tony well we're compatible we're compatible our faith is the same you know our our politics beliefs are the same we both want children we both can be fiscally responsible in our finances but I just don't feel the chemistry I don't feel any chemistry guess what that matters because chemistry matters so this person could say all of this stuff and fill all this stuff and y'all are compatible but if they really don't know how to conversate with you to stimulate your mind they really don't know how to conversate if they really don't have a real interest like a real interest in you that makes you feel you know loved and wanted and desired and kind of you know turned on then something is off so in this you don't just throw chemistry out the door just because it can blow up in your face no you go in the lab and you mix chemical that's supposed to be mixed to create the desired result so chemistry is necessary it is necessary you don't throw it out and say well just as long as we compatible I'm not gonna worry about chemistry no you need chemistry because you need to be able to vibe the elves and flows you need to be able to connect mentally emotionally spiritually and that plays into chemistry as well as your belief systems being on the same plane the same foundation that you can build upon so understand this they go hand in hand compatibility is more important than chemistry chemistry can be developed you might not feel it on the first date but it can developed it can be created and I always say love is not found love is created you don't find love you create love through your actions so because love is a verb so you create love not find it the same thing with chemistry is it can be created you in the lab creating meaning you learning one another you expressing yourself and you have a desire to know your partner better that you can create chemistry and you can come together and in certain areas that really get the senses going and for you it may be a stretch out of your comfort zone but it's a good thing because nothing good happens in the comfort zone oftentimes so it could be a good thing for you so you got to sit down make this make sense to you and it's all subjective because a lot of people want to go read the dictionary and it comes down to your reading and comprehension skills and it's like unless you or a plus student in English class then you might not be comprehending every word in the definition or you may be over standing instead of understanding you may be over comprehending so this is very subjective because everybody's interpretation of the word chemistry could be different and everybody's interpretation of the word compatibility can be different so that's why you have to make words mean what they need to mean for you and your life because it was another human who wrote the definition so if that definition of this word does not work for you and your life then you find the caveats and nuances and you make it mean what it needs to mean for you and so that's what I mean when I say some people think compatibilities we like the same music and we like to do the same activities whereas I say compatibility means our standards our foundational belief are the same and we may not like the same music we may not like the same food we may not like the same outdoor activities but if we have the same faith family goals and financial goals we can make this thing work you teach me about your music I'll teach you about my music you teach me about your favorite dish a fool I'll teach you about my favorite dish a fool you teach me show me what you like to do outdoors I show you like what I like to do for fun and then we grow and we love and we respect one another and we stretch one another we build upon our common ground which is our foundational beliefs Hey I try to put that every way for a disease for all the different brain types hope that y'all can find it or understand what I'm saying one way or the other god bless you and we'll talk song

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 56,683

Rating: 4.9489098 out of 5

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Id: jhfK4B1k5Yk

Length: 45min 13sec (2713 seconds)

Published: Thu May 07 2020